Would noise cancelling headphones help me?

March 13, 2017 11:52 AM

I'm thinking about getting some noise cancelling headphones but before I spend the cash I'd like to know whether they would work in my situation. I know it must sound bizarre, but I have a very noisy husband. And I'm noise sensitive.

This is kind of a cross between a human relations question and a technology question. My husband is an amazing, wonderful man and we're very happy together with the exception of one thing. He makes a lot of noise. It's mostly singing random song lyrics over and over, humming, catch phrases from TV commercials, etc. He says he's done this since he was a child and that he does it even when no one is around. He thinks he started it as a way of distracting his parents so they wouldn't fight? But it drives me up the wall, especially because I love to read and I can't really read when he's around.

It's not that he makes noise absolutely constantly, but at least every five minutes and usually more frequent he'll come out with something. It's very stressful because even when he's not actively making noise I've got low level anxiety that a noise is coming. I've mostly given up trying to read novels when he's in the room.

Yes I've talked to him about it but he doesn't seem able to stop. When he walks into a room now he'll say "the noisy one is here" so he's fully aware of it. For a while we tried giving him a "noisy time" where he'd make noise for ten minutes and then be quiet for half an hour. But he'd often forget to be quiet.

Part of it is also definitely me being more noise sensitive than most. I love peace and quiet. It's one of several reasons I decided against having children (my husband already has lovely grown children). So he's noisier than most and I'm more noise averse than most. However this is definitely not a DTMFA question as I'd rather live wIth him and the noise than without both.

So I'm now thinking of technological solutions. If I get a fancy pair of noise cancelling headphones (such as Bose Q35s) would they block the noise? Even if I didn't listen to music could I just sit in silence with someone singing (not loudly but in a normal speaking voice) in the same room as me? Could I sit in silence while someone watches TV at a normal volume (as he would like the TV on more than I would)?

Any other friendly advice that might help us find a solution? Anyone else find a compromise between peace and quiet and noise? Has this ever been an issue in your relationship and if so what did you do? He's a great guy honestly and this is my least favourite thing about him - as far as least favourite things it's not such a bad one.

posted by hazyjane to Human Relations (36 answers total)

Noise canceling headphones probably wouldn't resolve it on their own, but you should be able to combine them with white noise playing in the headphones (if that's tolerable to you) and drown it out.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 11:56 AM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

When we moved into our new office a lot of people were thrown into cubes, so our bosses bought us some decent-but-not amazing Audio Technica ATH‑ANC7 headphones. Long story short: they're great for blocking out random noise (coughing, chairs hitting things, typing sounds) but are bad at blocking human speech. I have much better luck with my old Sony MDR-7506's and just playing music over the din.
posted by Oktober at 11:58 AM on March 13, 2017

Noise cancelling headphones plus white noise will go some way towards muting the sound, but you should know that they are designed *not* to filter out speech.

They do help, but I've accepted that in order to benefit I have to turn the sound up loud enough that I'm sacrificing my hearing over the longer term.

So do it, but accept that hearing loss in later life is inevitable.

No noisy person is ever going to change the level of noise they make, regardless of the cost to you. The noisier person sets the rules, always.
posted by tel3path at 12:01 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I'm in a situation where I'm temporarily living with my going-deaf, constant noise-making parents. Seriously: all my father wants to do is hammer-hammer-hammer or cut wood with an electric saw. My mother spends most of the time wantering around yelling for my dad, who can't hear her. They also have a daschund that is lovely, but whose bark cuts through my train of thought like a ice pick.

For reading, I've opted for soft foam earplugs that can block out 33 decibels. I find they work great for me. They're much lighter and less cumbersome than headphones... Bonus: I can sleep with them.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 12:05 PM on March 13, 2017 [7 favorites]

Best answer: My husband and I have a very similar dynamic. I'm going to second the suggestion of listening to white noise. I use the free "Rain, Rain" app (ios) which has way more sound variety than the name suggests. We also decided that each of us has a right to some amount of alone time in the house. This has been the most helpful thing for me. Finally, I don't know how synched up your sleep schedules are but I take advantage of my husband being a night owl by getting up and enjoying alone time when he's sleeping.
posted by CMcG at 12:05 PM on March 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

I love my Audio Technicas for concentration while painting. If the noise cancel feature is switched on, it pushes the sound of a lawn mower far away so I don't focus on the sound and can concentrate. If I don't want the sound at all, I put in some foam ear plugs and turn on the sound cancel and I can't hear most things at all. If it's the ice cream truck blast, that requires the noise cancel feature and some ambient music like Brian Eno's Discreet Music, or Lux, or Montana Cello on You Tube that delivers cello at a low megaherz frequency. I hope this is helpful.
posted by effluvia at 12:07 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

As a long term suggestion, meditation can help people with his kind of behavior - obviously no guarantees there, and he would have to make a commitment, but I've had luck with it.
posted by Dmenet at 12:13 PM on March 13, 2017

What about big over-the-ear style noise-blocking earmuffs over earbud headphones playing white noise?
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:14 PM on March 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

You could try ear plugs under noise-cancelling headphones.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:20 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Active noise cancelling works by "listening" to sound and then creating sound to cancel that out, so it's mostly effective on consistent types of noises like engine sounds and dull background murmuring and stuff like that. Intermittent, unpredictable sounds like what you're describing are best dealt with with noise isolation rather than active noise cancellation.
posted by ernielundquist at 12:20 PM on March 13, 2017 [15 favorites]

Best answer: Keep in mind that noise cancelling headphones work by generating a counter noise using phase cancellation that is overlaid on the existing noise to cancel it out. No need to get too technical here, but you may want to test the headphones first as some people (myself included) sense the "counter noise" and find it uncomfortable.

In my case it's merely distracting at first but after a long period it gets slightly irritating. YMMV of course and you may not notice the sensation - most don't seem to in my experience.
posted by Zedcaster at 12:21 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I've got low level anxiety that a noise is coming. I've mostly given up trying to read novels when he's in the room.

Hey this is us! I'm a low-level anxious person with a fierce startle reflex and my guy is a noise machine with post-nasal drip and allergies (think: sneezing and nose blowing) so some of this stuff is stuff he really can't help. However, some of it is. And this is part of it, for me. You deserve to have time when the two of you are together that are quieter, and he deserves time when the two of you are together when it's more boisterous. This is not just on you to be solving. So you have to really work with your husband and decide if this is a can't thing or a won't thing. Like ... my guy absolutely can't not-sneeze. But what he CAN do is sneeze a lot less loudly so it's not so startling. He just hasn't ever had to before. So he resents this (a little) but that's the nature of compromise.

And sometimes I get up and go into another room when he can't be quiet, or quiet-er. And sometimes we sit and hang out together and have some music on sort of loud-ish so that his constant stream of noises (he's a foot tapper, he mutters to himself, he thinks out loud) isn't startling it's just... noise.

I do meditation and a lot of things for my anxiety and it's helped me be a little less reactive to noises but ultimately this is sort of how I am. I actually can't sit in a room where there's a TV on and get things done. I'd be looking at ways to organize the space so that you can both get what you want out of the space you share, but also have some spaces that are mostly "your way" (yours, his) where you can set the tone a little more. My partner and I don't live together and I'm not honestly sure we could. This is a challenging conflict, best of luck.
posted by jessamyn at 12:22 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Oh, hi. Your husband might be my husband, and I work from home doing work that requires non-distraction. For us the solution is me wearing Bose headphones + me playing white noise or the type of music that I can tolerate while I work + the fact that my husband has trained himself to notice me wearing the headphones as a reminder for him to shut up. That's an ongoing thing, him trying to be quiet because he sees me wearing the headphones. But it seems to work. At the very least it's a huge improvement over the amount of noise he just makes normally.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:25 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

You can buy relatively cheap headphones that HE can wear to watch TV. Usually Bluetooth and they work really well. That might help some with the TV part.
posted by pearlybob at 12:45 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Noise isolating earbuds are cheaper, fit in your pocket, don't require batteries, and block more kinds of noise. I like the tips with multiple flanges. I can wear them all day, but they go deep into your ear and a lot of people find them too uncomfortable. There are also over-the-ear ear protectors that function as headphones.

If you don't especially want music, or need it to distract from the noise, I agree with others, definitely try earplugs. They'll block the most noise, and you can try several kinds from your local drugstore for cheap.
posted by floppyroofing at 12:47 PM on March 13, 2017

Best answer: If actual silence is the goal, noise blocking is the answer. Noise cancelling, as mentioned above, doesn't make it silent.

I've had both kinds of headphones, and I don't think you'd be happy with just noise cancelling. The nice thing is that noise blocking is actually cheaper than cancelling if you don't mind in-ear as opposed to over-the-ear. Over-the-ear that can block sound tend to be pretty bulky and I find them uncomfortable.

I am partial to these in-ears because they're a great price and have interchangable tips. I use these tips, but there are several kinds. I can't stand silence, so I play music. After getting a previous version of these, I gave away the Bose headphones.

But you might want to look at some nice earplugs. There are other kinds than foam plugs now.
posted by monopas at 12:54 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Before spending the high dollars on good earphones, please try HEAROS Xtreme Foam Ear Plugs With NRR 33 Noise Canceling Hearing Protection. You may be able to find them in a drug store, they are available on Amazon.
Just roll and insert, they fill the ear opening fully are very comfortable, bonus is that they also come in light beige rather than eye assaulting neon colors.

I initially used them for ear protection in a helmet with high wind noise but they made it too quiet. Now I use them for snoring protection . When I want to block out a lot of noise but not all I will put one in one ear and a lower density one in the other ear so I can hear if my name is called.
posted by IpsoFacto at 12:57 PM on March 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

Nthing earplugs. I sleep with these earplugs in and have done so for years. I also wake up to NPR, but all I hear is a faint "wah wah wah wah" (ala Charlie Brown), no actual words. That might be enough for you? I can't read when anything with words is happening around me (song lyrics, TV, etc.) but if I can't make out the words, I'm fine.
posted by purple_bird at 1:16 PM on March 13, 2017

Noise-canceling headphones work great with everything except voices. I work in an "open plan" (ugh) office and have tried lots of things to cover up voices --- for me the only thing that works is other noise. I do use noise-canceling headphones because they dull it a tiny bit, but without playing music/noise I can still hear everyone.

I guess in-ear headphones or earplugs work for those who can wear them, but not everyone can.
posted by thefoxgod at 1:52 PM on March 13, 2017

The same applies to straight-up ear protection stuff. I bought some high-NR earmuff things but they don't work on voices at all.
posted by thefoxgod at 1:55 PM on March 13, 2017

as an alternative to foam ear plugs, moldable silicone works better and is more comfortable for some people because it doesn't go into the ear canal. These are sold at almost all major pharmacies, Target, etc.
posted by AFABulous at 2:06 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

The Bose headphones with the pads that go completely over the ears (like muffs) for maixmum dorkiness work well. Bought some for Mr. Bessiemae to drown out his coworkers who shout their native language at each other all day. It's really helped. But, they were the $600 versions.
posted by bessiemae at 2:26 PM on March 13, 2017

It sounds like it's mostly an issue when he's in the same room. Can you arrange your space so there's a room he doesn't need to go into while you're in it with the door closed? A bedroom, study, yurt in the backyard, whatever? If all you have to work with is a bedroom, maybe whatever he stores in there and might need could be moved to another part of your home?
posted by metasarah at 2:49 PM on March 13, 2017

i got the best noise protection from the squishy silicone earplugs mentioned above but the way they seal up your entire ear caused really uncomfortable pressure problems in my ears. they're really cheap on amazon though so you can test them out without a big commitment to costly equipment.
posted by poffin boffin at 3:10 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: No, don't get noise canceling headphones. They'll filter out stuff like the hum of your refrigerator, and make it easier to hear your husband's human noises.

Try in-ear sound isolation headphones, often called in-ear monitors, or IEM for short. They go from cheap to ludicrously expensive depending on sound quality. Find some that make a good seal in your ears, then play something you like at a low or moderate volume.

The sound isolation, plus the desired sound you'll be playing, will probably completely resolve your problem while you read.
posted by reeddavid at 3:29 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

When it's that time of month I can find chewing noises (like normal chewing, not especially loud) and paper crinkling really irritating. I found the silicone ear plugs or my custom earphones+music the most helpful.

And honestly, just having them gets me most of the way there: knowing I can pop them in if I get irritated helps break that anxiety/irritation cycle.
posted by ghost phoneme at 3:36 PM on March 13, 2017

One impulse buy that immeasurably improved my life (light sleeper, noisy building) was the purchase of a pair of big yellow industrial hearing protection earmuffs (basically these). It's like being in an isolation tank. Something needs to be pretty loud to be even slightly audible.

The downside is that they can be slightly uncomfortable and get a bit hot, since the seal over the ears is pretty tight.
posted by figurant at 4:56 PM on March 13, 2017

Best answer: Custom molded earplugs! The kind that professional drummers and construction workers use to not go deaf are fantastic for this. They will give you the closest thing to total silence that you can get(unless you're moonlighting as a heavy metal performer), and most companies make different versions depending on your sound filtering needs.
posted by InkDrinker at 5:33 PM on March 13, 2017

Best answer: I find that my Bose noise-cancelling headphones work well against nearby conversations when combined with a noise app that's more than just a steady white noise hum, like the various watery and windy sounds on Noisli. For extreme cases I resort to the "coffee shop" noise option.
posted by lakeroon at 5:49 PM on March 13, 2017

Best answer: Tmsoft's white noise app is magic. The air conditioner sound effect completely erases human speech - people can be standing right next to me and I can't hear a thing.

Even cheap ear buds with that app should work.
posted by winna at 6:12 PM on March 13, 2017

Response by poster: Thanks very much for all the advice and also for making me feel less weird for having this problem in the first place. I'll try foam earplugs first and then if that doesn't work then noise isolating headphones with white noise (I like the rain sounds idea). Much appreciated,
posted by hazyjane at 10:55 PM on March 13, 2017

I've been your husband in this situation to an extent - my partner's health issues can at times make him extremely sensitive to sounds. I do my best to be quiet during those times, but sometimes one does need to be able to make a snack, walk around the house doing chores, type, etc., and when he's particularly bad, even that everyday I-am-a-human-who-has-to-make-noise-sometimes stuff can be unbearable for him. What we eventually worked out were a couple of compromise measures, one mine and one his, for those periods when he's noise-sensitive. (Which he's responsible for identifying and telling me about - I can't be expected to read his mind and know that a sound that would usually be fine, is making him want to tear his hair out on a particular day. That said, it sounds like this is a constant thing for you, so maybe that's not a factor.)

For my part, I try to check in with him before I do something that's going to be sustained noise (say, unloading/loading the dishwasher, watching TV), and see if it's an okay time to do it or if he's trying to concentrate just then. For his part, when he really needs quiet, he wears the protective earmuffs from Home Depot that he otherwise uses for construction/workshop-type stuff, and then he can hang out in his happy bubble of silence and I can go about my day. They look pretty silly, but they get the job done and I think they're pretty cheap, so there's another option for you.

It sounds like you may need both a short-term compromise solution to make things bearable for you now (headphones, earmuffs, a designated room that is your quiet space where he doesn't get to come in and make noise) and a long-term promise from him to really work on breaking this habit, maybe with a therapist's help if needed, because it is making his partner low-key miserable constantly and that's not really okay.
posted by Stacey at 4:14 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

You mentioned white noise and "I like the rain sounds idea". Instead of white noise which is pretty harsh and I find annoying for long periods, you might want to try brown noise which is more like being inside listening to a downpour on the roof. There's also pink noise which is like being outside and listening to a downpour on the roof, and also blue, violet, and grey noise, so you can find the one that suits you best: Wikipedia 'Colors of Noise' entry.
Note that you can find .mp3 files of different sounds and qualities on www.freesound.org, and as an added bonus, if you have tinnitus the brown or pink can 'override' that and not be as all-encompassing as white noise.
posted by Zack_Replica at 9:57 AM on March 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Would your husband consider talking to some kind of doctor or specialist as well? I have a family member who does this kind of thing (although he likes to burst into full-throated church songs on repeat so...there's that) but it feels like there's more than just "I'm a noisy person" going on with him. My family member also self-medicates with alcohol (previously) and now with weed. I think he grew up in a very noisy household where the many kids had to compete for attention but I also think that there's some kind of stimming or compulsion to his outbursts. And it also can come across as aggressive and inappropriate – say, when we are trying to get everyone and the kids and all our stuff out the door to do some activity and instead of being helpful, he's jigging around the house blasting a harmonica. When we visit, I often retreat and put in some ear plugs. They do just enough to cut the noise to give me some space and breathing room.
posted by amanda at 10:38 AM on March 15, 2017

If he is game, he could try holding a sip of water in his mouth without swallowing. Brought to you by a Russian proverb!
posted by prefpara at 4:21 AM on March 17, 2017

Response by poster: Amanda, I think you've hit the nail on the head - yes, I believe it's a stimming behaviour. His daughter is on the autistic spectrum and has told her dad (based on conversations with her psychiatrist) that she thinks he is as well.
posted by hazyjane at 11:01 PM on March 17, 2017