How to pay someone back when they are unwilling
March 10, 2017 4:58 PM Subscribe
My sister-in-law (the wife of my husband's sister) and I are both staying at the house of our respective significant others for a short time. We bought something together as a gift for the house, agreeing we'd split it 50/50, and now she refuses to take my portion. I feel upset but also like I'm being petty for being offended she won't take my money after she agreed we'd split it. What is the etiquette here? Snowstorm inside.
My question is mostly, is it rude for her to refuse my money after agreeing to split the cost of something, and am I justified in being ticked off? I guess I just have to let it go, or is there a non-rude thing I could do to feel that I've held up my share?
She has been with my husband's sister for 9 years, I've been with my husband for 4 years. We generally all get along well, but I've always felt like she doesn't think I'm as cool as her wife or their friend circle.
We went out to a yoga class together and afterwards she said she was thinking of buying flowers for the house, since there had recently been a death in the family (the cousin of our respective spouses) and everyone was gloomy. I said I thought it was a great idea and tell her I'd love to go in on some flowers with her. We saw a florist and went in, and she requested a bouquet for $50. I didn't have enough cash on me for my portion (because we had been at yoga and I didn't bring my wallet, just a credit card for the class), and it seemed ridiculous to ask the florist to split the charge on 2 credit cards, so we agreed I'd give her cash when we got back to the house. We get back, I had to feed my baby, she goes out for awhile with her wife, so about 8 hours pass before I see her reasonably alone and try to give her the $25 cash. She refuses to take it. I tell her, in kind of a joking way that I'll be offended if she doesn't, and she tells me to be offended. I insist again and she refuses. Short of shoving the cash in her hand or throwing it on the floor there's nothing I can do. She is extremely stubborn.
I felt so mad after that I almost wanted to cry. In a fit of pique I actually bought an Amazon gift card to send to her house addressed to her and her wife because I'm sure if I addressed it to her only she'd throw it in the garbage, but I canceled it because it's obviously a stupid and petty thing to do.
My question is mostly, is it rude for her to refuse my money after agreeing to split the cost of something, and am I justified in being ticked off? I guess I just have to let it go, or is there a non-rude thing I could do to feel that I've held up my share?
She has been with my husband's sister for 9 years, I've been with my husband for 4 years. We generally all get along well, but I've always felt like she doesn't think I'm as cool as her wife or their friend circle.
We went out to a yoga class together and afterwards she said she was thinking of buying flowers for the house, since there had recently been a death in the family (the cousin of our respective spouses) and everyone was gloomy. I said I thought it was a great idea and tell her I'd love to go in on some flowers with her. We saw a florist and went in, and she requested a bouquet for $50. I didn't have enough cash on me for my portion (because we had been at yoga and I didn't bring my wallet, just a credit card for the class), and it seemed ridiculous to ask the florist to split the charge on 2 credit cards, so we agreed I'd give her cash when we got back to the house. We get back, I had to feed my baby, she goes out for awhile with her wife, so about 8 hours pass before I see her reasonably alone and try to give her the $25 cash. She refuses to take it. I tell her, in kind of a joking way that I'll be offended if she doesn't, and she tells me to be offended. I insist again and she refuses. Short of shoving the cash in her hand or throwing it on the floor there's nothing I can do. She is extremely stubborn.
I felt so mad after that I almost wanted to cry. In a fit of pique I actually bought an Amazon gift card to send to her house addressed to her and her wife because I'm sure if I addressed it to her only she'd throw it in the garbage, but I canceled it because it's obviously a stupid and petty thing to do.
My sister and mom are both like that. I let them "win" sometimes then I find a way to be generous back.
posted by cabingirl at 5:05 PM on March 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by cabingirl at 5:05 PM on March 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
That would irk me. I'd feel like even if my name was on the card, the flowers weren't really "from" me and my spouse along with the others. But then I'd tell myself not to personalize it, that this was about her being weird and a bit thoughtless and a bit self absorbed and then I'd let it go.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:06 PM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:06 PM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
Can you buy another arrangement later on or do something else thoughtful for everyone?
posted by masquesoporfavor at 5:10 PM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 5:10 PM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
She probably feels like taking it looks/feels petty, with it being such a small amount. Instead of arguing with her or feeling bad about it, just add a bottle of wine or a cake to the thank-you presentation.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:11 PM on March 10, 2017 [15 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:11 PM on March 10, 2017 [15 favorites]
Edited because I misunderstood the housing arrangement. My original suggestion was to buy a new $50 bouquet when these fresh flowers hit their expiration date and similarly refuse to take any money, if it is offered. To me, that ends up being a win-win because you get pretty flowers for twice as long and are able to contribute to the house in the spirit you intended. Now that I realize this is a short stay, if you aren't going to be there long enough to extend having flowers in the house, then just add to the gift with a similarly thoughtful present such as fancy tea, a bottle of wine, etc.
posted by katemcd at 5:12 PM on March 10, 2017
posted by katemcd at 5:12 PM on March 10, 2017
In a fit of pique I actually bought an Amazon gift card to send to her house addressed to her and her wife because I'm sure if I addressed it to her only she'd throw it in the garbage, but I canceled it because it's obviously a stupid and petty thing to do.
Wait... she would throw it in the garbage rather than finding some way to sneak it back unbeknownst to you, like secreted in another gift or something, or re-gift it to someone else? Is throwing it out what you'd expect other people in the family to do, or is there a particular pre-existing hostility between the two of you that would make her want to completely get rid of it? (Possibly it only surprises me because my family is tight-fisted and wouldn't throw it away?)
posted by XMLicious at 5:13 PM on March 10, 2017
Next time you're eating out with her, leave the table before the check arrives and pay for the meal.
However, what really needs to happen is you calmly and warmly telling her, or her reading, about why keeping financial things 100% clean and clear between you is a good thing.
If there's any chance that she thinks you don't like her or 100% accept her as part of the family, this is another thing that warmth can address. If she's being weirdly petty, this could be a reason -- she might worry that you don't see her as a true sister or something.
posted by amtho at 5:15 PM on March 10, 2017
However, what really needs to happen is you calmly and warmly telling her, or her reading, about why keeping financial things 100% clean and clear between you is a good thing.
If there's any chance that she thinks you don't like her or 100% accept her as part of the family, this is another thing that warmth can address. If she's being weirdly petty, this could be a reason -- she might worry that you don't see her as a true sister or something.
posted by amtho at 5:15 PM on March 10, 2017
Best answer: For some people $25 is not that big a deal and maybe she'd already forgotten about it?
Alternatively maybe she was annoyed that you offered to pay half of something and then didn't have the money for it? (I mean people differ on how much they feel to inconvenience a shopkeeper vs. the person they are with. I would have done it your way but not everyone would) or maybe she lives a cash-free existence and what was she going to do with the cash?
I mean my read is either it was totally not a big deal don't even think/worry about it, or it was TOTALLY a big deal because she is super fussy in which case there's not much you can do in which case just blow it off. Whether she thinks you are cool or not cool is a non-issue. It sorts of sounds like maybe there is some existing agita between the two of you... who tosses a gift card in the garbage?
She said no and no means no. Part of etiquette is trying to make the other person comfortable. Hers is clearly not that good. You can just do what you can do and briefly gripe to your spouse about it and then let it go.
posted by jessamyn at 5:15 PM on March 10, 2017 [12 favorites]
Alternatively maybe she was annoyed that you offered to pay half of something and then didn't have the money for it? (I mean people differ on how much they feel to inconvenience a shopkeeper vs. the person they are with. I would have done it your way but not everyone would) or maybe she lives a cash-free existence and what was she going to do with the cash?
I mean my read is either it was totally not a big deal don't even think/worry about it, or it was TOTALLY a big deal because she is super fussy in which case there's not much you can do in which case just blow it off. Whether she thinks you are cool or not cool is a non-issue. It sorts of sounds like maybe there is some existing agita between the two of you... who tosses a gift card in the garbage?
She said no and no means no. Part of etiquette is trying to make the other person comfortable. Hers is clearly not that good. You can just do what you can do and briefly gripe to your spouse about it and then let it go.
posted by jessamyn at 5:15 PM on March 10, 2017 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I think she's being weird. Let it go, be the bigger person, find another opportunity to be generous but don't do it to get back at her. Just do it because you've cultivated a habit of generosity. And carry cash next time.
It could also be a cultural difference. I know people where if you don't push payback on them they'll think you never really wanted to pay them back anyway. I know other people who'd find it gauche to be paid back but expect this is setting up a longer relationship of reciprocity, where'd you step up to pay for the next big thing, and so on and back and forth over years... but that's another thing and there isn't one right way to navigate it.
ETA After seeing your update: There could definitely be a class thing here. It can feel bad to be handed cash, if you associate it with pity or a handout. I'd definitely leave it alone and focus on long term receiving and offering of generosity in a mix of ways.
posted by ramenopres at 5:21 PM on March 10, 2017 [5 favorites]
It could also be a cultural difference. I know people where if you don't push payback on them they'll think you never really wanted to pay them back anyway. I know other people who'd find it gauche to be paid back but expect this is setting up a longer relationship of reciprocity, where'd you step up to pay for the next big thing, and so on and back and forth over years... but that's another thing and there isn't one right way to navigate it.
ETA After seeing your update: There could definitely be a class thing here. It can feel bad to be handed cash, if you associate it with pity or a handout. I'd definitely leave it alone and focus on long term receiving and offering of generosity in a mix of ways.
posted by ramenopres at 5:21 PM on March 10, 2017 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Possibly relevant data: There is an income disparity between SIL household and my own because they are both in grad school, while my husband and I are pretty solid middle class income, and SIL grew up low-income.
posted by permiechickie at 5:22 PM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by permiechickie at 5:22 PM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
My mom gets sooooo mad if someone won't take her money! But why? I don't know. But there's something to it - I think she takes it as a sign that the other person will think she's a moocher or something like that. I've seen it many times and her angry reaction to someone saying, "nah, don't worry about it" is always so out of proportion that I know there has to be something underneath that really bothers her about it. Maybe sit with it for a while and ask why it's bothering you so much?
(Also, it's possible that she did want all the credit and she brought the idea up with you just to have something to talk about - she didn't want your help or to share the expense.)
posted by dawkins_7 at 5:22 PM on March 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
(Also, it's possible that she did want all the credit and she brought the idea up with you just to have something to talk about - she didn't want your help or to share the expense.)
posted by dawkins_7 at 5:22 PM on March 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
I think she's being weird, but I actually think the weirdness comes in earlier -- where you tagged along on the flowers and said you'd love to go in with her. My guess is she wanted to do something special from herself, but felt pressured to let you tag along, and this play about the money is a softly passive-aggressive way to get back 'her' gift.
How I would handle it, on my GOOD day, would be to be the bigger person, let it go, and then send her flowers (or whatever) in a couple of months if it's still bothering you, for about the $25 amount. This way you settle the score with plausible deniability that you didn't even remember anything except that she likes flowers.
Remember y'all are going to be related a long time so I don't think it's worth making a big deal of it, even with the gift card approach, right now.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:24 PM on March 10, 2017 [11 favorites]
How I would handle it, on my GOOD day, would be to be the bigger person, let it go, and then send her flowers (or whatever) in a couple of months if it's still bothering you, for about the $25 amount. This way you settle the score with plausible deniability that you didn't even remember anything except that she likes flowers.
Remember y'all are going to be related a long time so I don't think it's worth making a big deal of it, even with the gift card approach, right now.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:24 PM on March 10, 2017 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I thought she did not want to share the gesture with you. While your intention was to be generous and team oriented, she might have seen your offer as "stealing her spotlight."
Forget this. 100%.
posted by jbenben at 5:26 PM on March 10, 2017 [10 favorites]
Forget this. 100%.
posted by jbenben at 5:26 PM on March 10, 2017 [10 favorites]
Best answer: after agreeing to split the cost of something
but when you told the detailed story, it wasn't like a mutual project. she had the independent idea to purchase something, and you informed her you would be paying for half. I hasten to add that this is nice and generous of you, so if she was annoyed by it, but wanted to behave well, she did not have the polite option of refusing outright. I am the kind of person who would be irritated by someone trying to get in on my nice gesture, but I know this makes me small and petty so I would never say so either. but if this is what is happening, she is choosing to fight generosity with even more generosity. This is the only semi-civilized way to express resentment so I don't think it is really something to be outraged about.
If you want to escalate, you have to stick to the weapons you've both chosen. just keep buying nicer and nicer hostess/occasion gifts every time you see her, and so will she, until one of you goes bankrupt. but the person who lets on overtly that they are mad is the one who loses and this is true no matter who started it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:29 PM on March 10, 2017 [10 favorites]
but when you told the detailed story, it wasn't like a mutual project. she had the independent idea to purchase something, and you informed her you would be paying for half. I hasten to add that this is nice and generous of you, so if she was annoyed by it, but wanted to behave well, she did not have the polite option of refusing outright. I am the kind of person who would be irritated by someone trying to get in on my nice gesture, but I know this makes me small and petty so I would never say so either. but if this is what is happening, she is choosing to fight generosity with even more generosity. This is the only semi-civilized way to express resentment so I don't think it is really something to be outraged about.
If you want to escalate, you have to stick to the weapons you've both chosen. just keep buying nicer and nicer hostess/occasion gifts every time you see her, and so will she, until one of you goes bankrupt. but the person who lets on overtly that they are mad is the one who loses and this is true no matter who started it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:29 PM on March 10, 2017 [10 favorites]
Some of my family is like this. They refuse to be paid back, always try to pay for things first, and make a big deal of it if someone else pays first. I don't know what they get out of it, though it seems to correlate with tendencies to play the martyr in general. I've decided that being gracious is the best response for all concerned. Now I just say "thanks" and let it slide. It makes me REALLY appreciate people who just say "thanks" when I offer to pay for something.
posted by superfish at 5:30 PM on March 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by superfish at 5:30 PM on March 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Yeah and typing it out helped me to get some perspective... I'm going to forget about it and buy some liquor and baked goods for the household on my own, and just remember not to "go in together" with her on anything in the future.
And when the idea was brought up she was asking my opinion on whether it would be a good idea, and I told her I thought it was. I didn't try to steal credit at all or say it was from the both of us - she walked in with the flowers and I didn't say anything about it.
posted by permiechickie at 5:31 PM on March 10, 2017
And when the idea was brought up she was asking my opinion on whether it would be a good idea, and I told her I thought it was. I didn't try to steal credit at all or say it was from the both of us - she walked in with the flowers and I didn't say anything about it.
posted by permiechickie at 5:31 PM on March 10, 2017
Yeah, background can be important. It could be she somehow got it into her head that accepting your half would be accepting charity from someone richer, and she doesn't like that.
But yeah I think her behavior is at least a little rude.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:32 PM on March 10, 2017
But yeah I think her behavior is at least a little rude.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:32 PM on March 10, 2017
Given the information, this is a case where I would decide I am just not going to be bothered by it. I like your idea of getting some baked goods for the house.
I hope this morphs into an easy, happy relationship where any of the four of you pick something up when you're all together, whatever that happens to be is community property/enjoyed by all and decades from now you all get a good laugh over "that time way back when" that you were worried about not paying back half for the flowers.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 5:47 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
I hope this morphs into an easy, happy relationship where any of the four of you pick something up when you're all together, whatever that happens to be is community property/enjoyed by all and decades from now you all get a good laugh over "that time way back when" that you were worried about not paying back half for the flowers.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 5:47 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't think this is an etiquette thing. This sounds more like some underlying issue between you and your SIL - the amount of upset that you feel/felt over this seems out of proportion with the actual incident but I realise your question is just a snapshot, not a full picture.
I do think that having offered and been refused, you should consider yourself off the hook in terms of owing anything.
posted by sm1tten at 5:52 PM on March 10, 2017 [13 favorites]
I do think that having offered and been refused, you should consider yourself off the hook in terms of owing anything.
posted by sm1tten at 5:52 PM on March 10, 2017 [13 favorites]
I have a family member that does stuff like this a lot...my solution has been to slip the cash into her purse secretly just before we leave town. Its sneaky...but it makes me feel better.
posted by JennyJupiter at 6:13 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by JennyJupiter at 6:13 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
There are a lot of experiential and cultural and family dynamics variations in the world, and they get magnified 10x when money is involved. I would have been upset and made incredibly anxious by your insistence on complicating a simple thing I was trying to do, doing it in a way that gave me no graceful out, and then getting mad at me for doing what I wanted instead of what you wanted. People get to have boundaries.
Money is a very common abuse vector. I'd be upset and anxious and a little scared over being treated the way you treated her. It would be far worse if I knew you were angry enough to consider retaliation of some kind.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:16 PM on March 10, 2017 [19 favorites]
Money is a very common abuse vector. I'd be upset and anxious and a little scared over being treated the way you treated her. It would be far worse if I knew you were angry enough to consider retaliation of some kind.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:16 PM on March 10, 2017 [19 favorites]
I think Lyn Never may have it. It sounds like your SIL wanted to do a nice gesture on her own, and you inadvertently muscled in on it. She still wants to have her own gesture but you just won't let it go and insist on making it yours too by forcing her to take cash she has told you repeatedly she doesn't want. (And I realise you don't mean it like this! At all! But it may well be her take on it, she just can't express it without seeming petty at this point.) I wouldn't slip her the cash, I would believe her when she tell she you no and just drop it.
posted by Jubey at 6:25 PM on March 10, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 6:25 PM on March 10, 2017 [5 favorites]
There are so many possible interpretations of this that I think the ask you need to do is not AskMetafilter, but AskSIL. Presuming there's no other tension between you, you need to sit down with her and ask what's up: "Hey SIL, what I thought was a simple agreement to do something nice for our mutual family seems, at least the way I see it, to have gotten complicated in ways I don't understand. I like/love you and want to have a good relationship with you, and I don't know what's going on. So could you help me figure it out? Because if I've inadvertently done something to offend you, I want to know why, and how to avoid it in the future. And if we just have different ways of communicating, I want to figure that out too, so we can avoid inadvertently stressing one another out."
posted by brianogilvie at 7:40 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by brianogilvie at 7:40 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Honestly your reaction "mad enough to cry" seems way over the top and if I were her I'd be like "wtf?" $25 is not a big amount, you really don't know the details of other people's finances and that may have been totally inconsequential to her. Also if I tell someone something and they keep insisting I will also dig my heels in, especially if they are getting visibly upset that I won't go along with their agenda. I feel like it sets a bad precedent in relationships to give in to soothing someone else's insecurities at the cost of doing something I don't feel like doing. So she's stating her position, you won't accept it and she sets a firm boundary and you're hitting that and having a tantrum, kind of, and now you're online looking for validation that she's wrong and you're right. I'm a bit appalled you're getting it to be honest. Your SIL is not being rude, she's telling your something you are refusing to hear and you are calling her names and implying she's stubborn and poor and has issues. She's not the one nearly crying over $25 and a simple "no worries, I got it" between relatives.
You need to slow your roll and give the woman credit for knowing her own mind and being able to speak it. You really seem to dislike this woman.
posted by fshgrl at 7:48 PM on March 10, 2017 [9 favorites]
You need to slow your roll and give the woman credit for knowing her own mind and being able to speak it. You really seem to dislike this woman.
posted by fshgrl at 7:48 PM on March 10, 2017 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, ok. I did drop it, didn't say another word to her about it, ate dinner with her and the rest of the family. Haven't called her names, not sure where you're getting that from. I don't like it when people renege on paying their fair share of something and felt like she was forcing me into that position, but in general I've been seeing another perspective that I hadn't seen myself so I'm glad I asked the question.
posted by permiechickie at 8:22 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by permiechickie at 8:22 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think there is some other dynamic going on here that is coloring this interaction. I agree with the readings that (1) she was annoyed about you trying to join her in the gift of flowers, and (2) your feeling of being "mad enough to cry" seems out of proportion to her refusing cash. I've felt both these ways in the past in similar circumstances, but only when there's an underlying issue - in the first case, with a person being kind of clingy or a hanger-on (meaning a smaller gesture of trying to join in with me on something makes me feel hassled and smothered as part of a larger pattern of behavior), and in the second case, when I felt like a person was rejecting me by rejecting my offer of money (a small expression of rejection like refusing my money was magnified by a larger pattern). This is also echoed in your remark that you think she thinks of you as less cool. Do you feel kind of rejected by her in general, maybe?
posted by sallybrown at 8:28 PM on March 10, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 8:28 PM on March 10, 2017 [5 favorites]
. I don't like it when people renege on paying their fair share of something and felt like she was forcing me into that position,
I think this is very insightful, you've identified something what it is in particular about this interaction that set you off, and you've also identified that the reaction you're having is probably more about your feelings than what actually happened.
I'd just let this one go, grab breakfast or lunch next time you catch up.
posted by smoke at 9:10 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think this is very insightful, you've identified something what it is in particular about this interaction that set you off, and you've also identified that the reaction you're having is probably more about your feelings than what actually happened.
I'd just let this one go, grab breakfast or lunch next time you catch up.
posted by smoke at 9:10 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Stuff the $25 under a couch cushion and go about your day.
posted by fritillary at 10:16 PM on March 10, 2017
posted by fritillary at 10:16 PM on March 10, 2017
I think you've got the right idea moving forward about not splitting anything with her. My brother did this to me with regard to taking our parents to dinner for an anniversary. It was agreed beforehand that we would split the cost. When the bill came, he paid it in full and refused to take my money. Really pissed me off because the dinner was a gift from "us". I let it go at dinner, but spoke to him about it later. He honestly thought he was being kind and generous and meant nothing by it. I told him that it bothered me because it appeared to my parents that dinner was only from him and that I didn't get them a gift and now I had to go get them a gift, and my parents are hard enough to buy for in the first place - why we went with a family dinner. He seemed to understand it better why I was pissed after I explained that his generosity put me in a bad light and position, but yeah, moving forward, I don't split any costs for anything with him. Lesson learned.
posted by NoraCharles at 5:22 AM on March 11, 2017
posted by NoraCharles at 5:22 AM on March 11, 2017
Since buying the flowers was her idea, and you didn't have the money on you at that time, it seems weird to me to keep insisting on paying her back.
Also, not sure what cultural background your SIL is but insisting on splitting things right down the middle is a very american (and maybe european?) Thing. In asia it's almost shameful to let a friend or family member pay half, especially after the fact. People take turns treating each other. So maybe you can do that next time.
posted by bearette at 6:05 AM on March 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also, not sure what cultural background your SIL is but insisting on splitting things right down the middle is a very american (and maybe european?) Thing. In asia it's almost shameful to let a friend or family member pay half, especially after the fact. People take turns treating each other. So maybe you can do that next time.
posted by bearette at 6:05 AM on March 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Gee, there's a lot of really weird psychology in how humans deal with money, isn't there? :)
First off: if I were in your position, I'd write this off as a Life Lesson and buy some other gift for your hosts. I think someone earlier suggested buying some groceries - that sounds like a good idea to me.
My take is that yes, SIL is acting weird. If she wanted the flowers to be a gift that was from her and her alone, why did she even mention it to you after the yoga class? According to your account, it's almost like she mentioned it because she was hinting that she'd like you to contribute.
Maybe she changed her mind later and decided she didn't want to share the credit with you?
Or - when you got home, did you tell her "hey, I have to feed my baby and then hit the ATM, but I'll have your money for you later tonight"? If not - she may have (somehow) concluded that you'd decided not to go in with her. Maybe she was miffed over that? (not that she is especially justified. I mean: you essentially borrowed $25 and paid it back in 8 hours? That is extremely conscientious of you).
This may be one of those things that is destined to remain an Eternal Mystery. If I were you, I would *not* try to sneak her the $25 or otherwise forcibly push the money on her. But I understand why you were upset, and IMHO, you didn't do anything wrong - I think your SIL probably has this weird peeve about money, and you accidentally stepped in it. I've encountered similar (and even worse) behavior from people. About all one can do is endeavor to never get involved in money matters with this person again.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:13 AM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
First off: if I were in your position, I'd write this off as a Life Lesson and buy some other gift for your hosts. I think someone earlier suggested buying some groceries - that sounds like a good idea to me.
My take is that yes, SIL is acting weird. If she wanted the flowers to be a gift that was from her and her alone, why did she even mention it to you after the yoga class? According to your account, it's almost like she mentioned it because she was hinting that she'd like you to contribute.
Maybe she changed her mind later and decided she didn't want to share the credit with you?
Or - when you got home, did you tell her "hey, I have to feed my baby and then hit the ATM, but I'll have your money for you later tonight"? If not - she may have (somehow) concluded that you'd decided not to go in with her. Maybe she was miffed over that? (not that she is especially justified. I mean: you essentially borrowed $25 and paid it back in 8 hours? That is extremely conscientious of you).
This may be one of those things that is destined to remain an Eternal Mystery. If I were you, I would *not* try to sneak her the $25 or otherwise forcibly push the money on her. But I understand why you were upset, and IMHO, you didn't do anything wrong - I think your SIL probably has this weird peeve about money, and you accidentally stepped in it. I've encountered similar (and even worse) behavior from people. About all one can do is endeavor to never get involved in money matters with this person again.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:13 AM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
She wanted to buy a gift and you wanted to share in the presentation. Could it be that you sort of overstepped yourself here?
posted by mule98J at 9:49 AM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by mule98J at 9:49 AM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have no idea what happened but if I were you, I would be most concerned about letting SIL know that I want to have a good relationship and if I messed up or made her feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry, that was not my intention.
I might say something like "I'm sorry that I offered to pay for half the flowers and then didn't have any money on me. In my family, if you offer to pay for something, it is really important keep your word, that's why I was so insistent on paying you back. When you refused, I felt like maybe I had done something wrong." Then stop and see what she says. She might tell you what she thinks you did wrong and at least then you know. If she might discount the whole thing (even if she is mad) in which case you can just close the conversation with something like "As a SIL, you are part of my family and I would like us to have a good relationship. If I do something that upsets you, please let me know." Hopefully, if she is upset, she will take this as an apology even if she won't talk about it. It also lets her know that you won't overreact to a little more bluntness. (I spent years trying to teach my MIL that was OK to tell me things and now that she is aging and I'm involved in her care, it really helps that she feels safe enough to tell me when she doesn't like something.)
posted by metahawk at 12:29 PM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I might say something like "I'm sorry that I offered to pay for half the flowers and then didn't have any money on me. In my family, if you offer to pay for something, it is really important keep your word, that's why I was so insistent on paying you back. When you refused, I felt like maybe I had done something wrong." Then stop and see what she says. She might tell you what she thinks you did wrong and at least then you know. If she might discount the whole thing (even if she is mad) in which case you can just close the conversation with something like "As a SIL, you are part of my family and I would like us to have a good relationship. If I do something that upsets you, please let me know." Hopefully, if she is upset, she will take this as an apology even if she won't talk about it. It also lets her know that you won't overreact to a little more bluntness. (I spent years trying to teach my MIL that was OK to tell me things and now that she is aging and I'm involved in her care, it really helps that she feels safe enough to tell me when she doesn't like something.)
posted by metahawk at 12:29 PM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
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posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 1:00 PM on March 11, 2017
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 1:00 PM on March 11, 2017
What's her relationship like with your husband and his family? Especially any other family members staying with you all? (I'm unclear if your parents-in-law were also there.) Is it possible she's been trying to win them over, and/or feeling like you're the preferred daughter-in-law, and these flowers were a way for her to make a nice gesture on her own, making it more important for her to have spent the money than for you to have?
posted by lazuli at 4:01 PM on March 11, 2017
posted by lazuli at 4:01 PM on March 11, 2017
For whatever it's worth, this kind of thing is completely normal in my family, my boyfriend's family, and my social circle. Sometimes we split things, sometimes someone pays for someone else, sometimes you have to steal the check while the other person is in the bathroom. It's all generosity and decided mostly by whim, and feels like it works out pretty evenly in the end. In general the better-off person probably pays more often, but not all the time. I've never seen it meant as anything negative.
posted by sepviva at 7:26 PM on March 11, 2017
posted by sepviva at 7:26 PM on March 11, 2017
There is an income disparity between SIL household and my own because they are both in grad school, while my husband and I are pretty solid middle class income, and SIL grew up low-income.
This makes the whole thing more understandable.
You offered to go in with her and didn't have the cash at the time. This let her pay for the whole thing, which is the position of someone who is both generous and stable. You offered to pay cash when you got back, but didn't do so immediately, instead doing it eight hours later.
THIS IS EXACTLY SIMILAR TO THE BEHAVIOR OF SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT EASILY HAVE 25$ TO HAND AND HAS TO OBTAIN IT.
Through no intention of your own, I, as someone else who grew up low income, would assume that you and your husband were having hard times, that you had maybe thought the flowers would be cheaper, and were having to scrape together the money.
In such a case, it would make me feel really good to be able to say "No, no worries! In fact, I insist on not taking it!" because forgiving the minor debt of 25$ would feel like paying back all the times someone else had to spot me 25$.
posted by corb at 8:53 AM on September 14, 2017
This makes the whole thing more understandable.
You offered to go in with her and didn't have the cash at the time. This let her pay for the whole thing, which is the position of someone who is both generous and stable. You offered to pay cash when you got back, but didn't do so immediately, instead doing it eight hours later.
THIS IS EXACTLY SIMILAR TO THE BEHAVIOR OF SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT EASILY HAVE 25$ TO HAND AND HAS TO OBTAIN IT.
Through no intention of your own, I, as someone else who grew up low income, would assume that you and your husband were having hard times, that you had maybe thought the flowers would be cheaper, and were having to scrape together the money.
In such a case, it would make me feel really good to be able to say "No, no worries! In fact, I insist on not taking it!" because forgiving the minor debt of 25$ would feel like paying back all the times someone else had to spot me 25$.
posted by corb at 8:53 AM on September 14, 2017
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posted by lunasol at 5:03 PM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]