How do we become more Ask culture and less Guess culture?
March 4, 2017 10:26 AM Subscribe
My husband and I both come from homes where conflict isn't dealt with head-on but rather quietly avoided at all costs. I don't want to raise our kids that way, but I have no idea how to change. What books, tips, etc. can help us raise our kids to actually deal with conflict in a healthy manner so that in 30 years they're not asking this same question?
Both my husband and I were raised in families where conflict was to be avoided at all costs and still is in both of our families of origin.
I have two older sisters and had a normal level of sibling conflict with one and (what I would classify as) above normal levels of conflict with the other. Like, she was, to my mind, frequently verbally abusive to me. When I tried to address it with her, my parents would either dismiss it or tell her to apologize without ever dealing with the underlying issues. If I pushed back, they would basically ignore me and tell me to get over it. That has lasted to this day. She remains verbally abusive to me, so at this point I choose not to be around her. I've tried to discuss this with my parents, but they ignore me and tell me that I need to get over it. If I try to bring anything up, I'm treated as the bad guy for disrupting everyone's pleasant time. Basically, my parents value "nice" times together above all else where nice is defined as everyone having pleasant, superficial conversation while refusing to deal with anything below surface-level.
My husband's family has much less conflict, but is much more of the "If I'm upset with you, I'll tell Person A who will tell Person B who will tell you, then you'll tell Person B you're sorry, who will tell Person A who will tell me, and we'll never actually discuss it with each other directly." So conflict is sort of resolved in an extremely roundabout way.
Thus, both of us come from families of origin with extremely conflict avoidant cultures. We've somewhat managed to overcome that in our interactions with each other, but it's still a challenge with have to work on. Our defaults are still to either avoid conflict altogether, stuffing our feelings down, or to have terse conversations where we end up still annoyed with each other, not actually resolving anything. Fortunately we don't have conflicts too often, and we can resolve them in a healthy manner if we're very conscious of it and work hard.
The problem is that we now have two young children, and I really want them to be able to handle conflict in a healthy way. I want our family to be able to have hard discussions. I don't want it to be like in my family of origin where two of us aren't speaking to each other but that will never be dealt with or discussed openly because it's "unpleasant" to address.
So how do we teach them how to do this? Do you have any books that teach how to address or teach conflict resolution in a healthy way? If you are someone who came from a conflict-avoidant family and learned to resolve conflict in a healthy way, how did you do it?
Both my husband and I were raised in families where conflict was to be avoided at all costs and still is in both of our families of origin.
I have two older sisters and had a normal level of sibling conflict with one and (what I would classify as) above normal levels of conflict with the other. Like, she was, to my mind, frequently verbally abusive to me. When I tried to address it with her, my parents would either dismiss it or tell her to apologize without ever dealing with the underlying issues. If I pushed back, they would basically ignore me and tell me to get over it. That has lasted to this day. She remains verbally abusive to me, so at this point I choose not to be around her. I've tried to discuss this with my parents, but they ignore me and tell me that I need to get over it. If I try to bring anything up, I'm treated as the bad guy for disrupting everyone's pleasant time. Basically, my parents value "nice" times together above all else where nice is defined as everyone having pleasant, superficial conversation while refusing to deal with anything below surface-level.
My husband's family has much less conflict, but is much more of the "If I'm upset with you, I'll tell Person A who will tell Person B who will tell you, then you'll tell Person B you're sorry, who will tell Person A who will tell me, and we'll never actually discuss it with each other directly." So conflict is sort of resolved in an extremely roundabout way.
Thus, both of us come from families of origin with extremely conflict avoidant cultures. We've somewhat managed to overcome that in our interactions with each other, but it's still a challenge with have to work on. Our defaults are still to either avoid conflict altogether, stuffing our feelings down, or to have terse conversations where we end up still annoyed with each other, not actually resolving anything. Fortunately we don't have conflicts too often, and we can resolve them in a healthy manner if we're very conscious of it and work hard.
The problem is that we now have two young children, and I really want them to be able to handle conflict in a healthy way. I want our family to be able to have hard discussions. I don't want it to be like in my family of origin where two of us aren't speaking to each other but that will never be dealt with or discussed openly because it's "unpleasant" to address.
So how do we teach them how to do this? Do you have any books that teach how to address or teach conflict resolution in a healthy way? If you are someone who came from a conflict-avoidant family and learned to resolve conflict in a healthy way, how did you do it?
Best answer: My husband and I started family meetings on Sundays as a way to discuss issues that could be discussed with our daughter and ourselves. And we used the weekly meetings to talk about things we were excited about and plan the weeks activities and menus, not just the bad stuff. It's a good way to model communication and catch small resentments before they become a big deal. Also, it turns out that it's easier to talk about sensitive stuff if you are walking side-by-side rather than sitting at a table facing each other. I'm on my phone and it's too hard for me to google links but there are some science behind it and in any case it made it easier for my husband to talk to me. He was the not-sharer of the two of us while I was the over-sharer. Best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:54 AM on March 4, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 10:54 AM on March 4, 2017 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Getting to Yes and The mind and heart of the negotiator were required texts for my college class on Negotiation and Conflict Management. My sons were instructed on negotiating at a very early age and with a lot of prompting and hand holding for one week. After that, they had five minutes to work out a solution for who got to sit in the front seat or they both went in the back. This meant they both had motive to cooperate, because the front seat was the coveted position. They are excellent at coming up with win-win solutions together.
posted by Michele in California at 12:56 PM on March 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Michele in California at 12:56 PM on March 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
This is timely. I just had a major surgery. I said to someone before the surgery "I would like to have visitors and I don't want to wrangle/organize them."
This person made sure to be in touch by phone and text after my surgery. Did not wrangle visitors for me. This person is a person I have been dating for 1.5 years. We had a conversation about several things surrounding the surgery today. He requested that I ask more explicitly "please arrange for other people to visit me."
I responded by requesting that when I mention a thing I want to have happen and say that I do not want to do or orchestrate the thing, could he please ask me how I would like him to facilitate the arranging of the thing? Because I'm stating that I want the thing and I do not want to do the thing. I am not saying I expect the thing to happen by magic.
Make of this what you will in your own relationships. I'm going to have some more Percocet and another nap.
posted by bilabial at 1:08 PM on March 4, 2017
This person made sure to be in touch by phone and text after my surgery. Did not wrangle visitors for me. This person is a person I have been dating for 1.5 years. We had a conversation about several things surrounding the surgery today. He requested that I ask more explicitly "please arrange for other people to visit me."
I responded by requesting that when I mention a thing I want to have happen and say that I do not want to do or orchestrate the thing, could he please ask me how I would like him to facilitate the arranging of the thing? Because I'm stating that I want the thing and I do not want to do the thing. I am not saying I expect the thing to happen by magic.
Make of this what you will in your own relationships. I'm going to have some more Percocet and another nap.
posted by bilabial at 1:08 PM on March 4, 2017
Best answer: I don't know if this advice will be helpful to you, but...just stop.
That's what I did. My family is extremely guess culture, to the point where everyone hides serious illnesses from each other so as not to cause worry, etc. It drives me crazy, but it's so easy to keep the status quo when it's all you know, and so SO hard to change. But I decided I wanted to, and needed to, so I did. I started saying what I was thinking instead of quietly playing along.
Let me tell you: for the first year or so, every time I opened my mouth to do an "ask culture" thing I got a horrible fight or flight response. I'd get sweaty, my heart rate would rise, I'd freeze. It's so hard. But you just do it and keep doing it, and it will get easier. It's like anything else, you have to practice.
You're in a good position right now with a spouse to work with. You can practice with each other. Something I do with my Girl Scouts as an icebreaker if they're holding back at meetings is "one good, one bad." Everyone shares one good thing about their day and one bad thing. There's a lot of "how did that make you feel?" and "what do you think you'd do if it happened again?" Usually the hardest part is just starting the conversation; once you're talking, it's easier. You can do one good one bad with your kids at dinner, and even with your spouse on a more adult level. It's a great little exercise to get folks talking about their feelings.
As for the extended family aspect, I don't know what to tell you. My family really doesn't like that I've started telling them when their actions and words upset me, so mostly they don't talk to me. But that's OK. Part of ask culture is deciding that the only thing you can control is your own action--I neither can be nor should I try to control other people's emotional response to my words.
posted by phunniemee at 1:26 PM on March 4, 2017 [27 favorites]
That's what I did. My family is extremely guess culture, to the point where everyone hides serious illnesses from each other so as not to cause worry, etc. It drives me crazy, but it's so easy to keep the status quo when it's all you know, and so SO hard to change. But I decided I wanted to, and needed to, so I did. I started saying what I was thinking instead of quietly playing along.
Let me tell you: for the first year or so, every time I opened my mouth to do an "ask culture" thing I got a horrible fight or flight response. I'd get sweaty, my heart rate would rise, I'd freeze. It's so hard. But you just do it and keep doing it, and it will get easier. It's like anything else, you have to practice.
You're in a good position right now with a spouse to work with. You can practice with each other. Something I do with my Girl Scouts as an icebreaker if they're holding back at meetings is "one good, one bad." Everyone shares one good thing about their day and one bad thing. There's a lot of "how did that make you feel?" and "what do you think you'd do if it happened again?" Usually the hardest part is just starting the conversation; once you're talking, it's easier. You can do one good one bad with your kids at dinner, and even with your spouse on a more adult level. It's a great little exercise to get folks talking about their feelings.
As for the extended family aspect, I don't know what to tell you. My family really doesn't like that I've started telling them when their actions and words upset me, so mostly they don't talk to me. But that's OK. Part of ask culture is deciding that the only thing you can control is your own action--I neither can be nor should I try to control other people's emotional response to my words.
posted by phunniemee at 1:26 PM on March 4, 2017 [27 favorites]
Can you create a safe space where it's okay to ask? Clearly both of you grew up in environments where it wasn't okay, so you learned not to. You need to make it safe to ask at your house.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:02 PM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:02 PM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
I changed to more of an 'ask' person when I moved to the east coast. It is helpful to practice with people who are 'ask' so that you get better at it. When I moved back to the west coast, I started slipping back into my 'guess' ways. I find that there is a kind of inertia that sucks you in and it can be hard to break out of. I'd find that I didn't know what to say or do to be more 'ask'. Eventually, I formed a kind of mantra to snap out of it: "I value direct communication."
Something about saying that to myself centers me and points the way forward to just go tell the person I'm dancing around what I want them to know.
posted by pazazygeek at 5:19 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
Something about saying that to myself centers me and points the way forward to just go tell the person I'm dancing around what I want them to know.
posted by pazazygeek at 5:19 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Sort of offhandedly, I think sometimes conflict avoidance can go hand in hand with general "uncomfortable feelings" avoidance. It seems like that may have been the case with your parents. If you create space for your children to be open about their feelings, that's half the battle. If kids are shielded from the fact that life is full of disappointment and unfairness this can contribute to not being prepared to deal with "uncomfortable feelings" in adulthood. Just a thought.
posted by unicornologist at 5:28 PM on March 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by unicornologist at 5:28 PM on March 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: My wife's family was like your spouse's family (and still is). In my own family I never saw my parents resolve conflict. They would just argue to the point of shouting and tears and then retreat from each other.
When my wife and I got married we had a lot to learn and a lot of new habits and skills to process. As we raised our 4 children to adulthood, we wanted to both model for them and to give them relational skills which surpassed our own upbringings.
They are now all on their own and are better at relating than either of our original families.
One of the tools we used was from the Peacemaker series.
(This is explicitly Biblical-based material, so YMMV with it's underlying assumptions) They have lots and lots of materials for helping people with the communication process.
We found the Young Peacemaker: Student Activity Books to be very understandable at helping kids work through the communication process. And they were great for mom and dad too!
Far more than what you "teach" is the example you and your spouse will set in the coming days and years. Real, honest, healthy communication can be learned. There is skill and practice and mistakes and misunderstandings involved. And the process requires courage, patience, grace and forgiveness. Sadly often these qualities are not in our families of origin.
The journey is totally worth it!
BTW my wife and I are still in the "learning" process after 30+ years.
posted by tronec at 5:55 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
When my wife and I got married we had a lot to learn and a lot of new habits and skills to process. As we raised our 4 children to adulthood, we wanted to both model for them and to give them relational skills which surpassed our own upbringings.
They are now all on their own and are better at relating than either of our original families.
One of the tools we used was from the Peacemaker series.
(This is explicitly Biblical-based material, so YMMV with it's underlying assumptions) They have lots and lots of materials for helping people with the communication process.
We found the Young Peacemaker: Student Activity Books to be very understandable at helping kids work through the communication process. And they were great for mom and dad too!
Far more than what you "teach" is the example you and your spouse will set in the coming days and years. Real, honest, healthy communication can be learned. There is skill and practice and mistakes and misunderstandings involved. And the process requires courage, patience, grace and forgiveness. Sadly often these qualities are not in our families of origin.
The journey is totally worth it!
BTW my wife and I are still in the "learning" process after 30+ years.
posted by tronec at 5:55 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don’t want it to be like in my family of origin where two of us aren’t speaking to each other but that will never be dealt with or discussed openly because it’s “unpleasant” to address.OK. You first have to learn to deal with this very personal feeling of unpleasantness. Moving from guess to ask is going to be unpleasant at first, because it can feel like you are doing the wrong thing by being honest. However, ask culture will pay off in your relationship communication and negotiation.
How do you teach your kids to do this? 1. Model the behavior yourselves 2. Listen to your kids when they speak 3. This is the hardest one – when your kids or husband speak, respond to the words they are saying, not to the way they are saying them.
If you are someone who came from a conflict-avoidant family and learned to resolve conflict in a healthy way, how did you do it? By accepting the fact that some conflicts cannot be resolved, and that I – and the person I am conflicting with – both deserve to be heard 100% in our desires.
posted by tooloudinhere at 6:10 PM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
How do you teach your kids to do this? 1. Model the behavior yourselves 2. Listen to your kids when they speak 3. This is the hardest one – when your kids or husband speak, respond to the words they are saying, not to the way they are saying them.
If you are someone who came from a conflict-avoidant family and learned to resolve conflict in a healthy way, how did you do it? By accepting the fact that some conflicts cannot be resolved, and that I – and the person I am conflicting with – both deserve to be heard 100% in our desires.
posted by tooloudinhere at 6:10 PM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Are you asking how to become more ask and less guess? Or are you asking how to become a family that handles conflict in a healthy way? Because those are different things and your question kind of flicks back and forth between them.
Because you both come from unhealthy guess families, you may be thinking that moving from guess to ask will make things better. But no. There are healthy ask families (open, direct communication, people can make difficult requests and criticize each other in a loving spirit of acceptance) and there are healthy guess families (quiet intimacy, lots of loving exchange without explicit acknowledgment of same, a willingness on everybody's part to relax away from something that's causing annoyance)
There is also unhealthy guess (you've experienced it, no need to explain) and unhealthy ask (every. single. thing. is a long discussion where everybody gets mad at each other and processes their feelings and then makes up and feels close again)
Going from unhealthy to healthy is hard, going from guess to ask is hard, it is totally fine to be motivated to do both if you want, but ask yourself: do you need to do both at once?
posted by escabeche at 10:06 PM on March 4, 2017 [13 favorites]
Because you both come from unhealthy guess families, you may be thinking that moving from guess to ask will make things better. But no. There are healthy ask families (open, direct communication, people can make difficult requests and criticize each other in a loving spirit of acceptance) and there are healthy guess families (quiet intimacy, lots of loving exchange without explicit acknowledgment of same, a willingness on everybody's part to relax away from something that's causing annoyance)
There is also unhealthy guess (you've experienced it, no need to explain) and unhealthy ask (every. single. thing. is a long discussion where everybody gets mad at each other and processes their feelings and then makes up and feels close again)
Going from unhealthy to healthy is hard, going from guess to ask is hard, it is totally fine to be motivated to do both if you want, but ask yourself: do you need to do both at once?
posted by escabeche at 10:06 PM on March 4, 2017 [13 favorites]
Best answer: When Anger Scares You: How to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict and Express Your Anger in Healthy Ways by John Lynch is exactly about this -- how to understand anger/conflict as normal and express it in healthy and productive ways.
posted by lazuli at 10:46 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by lazuli at 10:46 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: KidPower also has a lot of good handouts and resources.
posted by lazuli at 10:47 PM on March 4, 2017
posted by lazuli at 10:47 PM on March 4, 2017
Best answer: Something else that really helped me was an offhand comment made by one of my therapy instructors: Never make a statement when you're actually asking a question, and never ask a question when you're actually making a statement. A lot of unhealthy "Guess" culture is making vague statements rather than asking people to do something (e.g., "It's kind of cold in here" rather than, "Could you please close the window?"), or asking leading questions rather than stating your own feelings ("Are you worried about the upcoming thing?" rather than, "I'm worried about the upcoming thing."). Paying attention to that doesn't completely solve everything, but it's made me much more aware of the purpose of my communication and whether I'm trying to project my own feelings onto someone else, shame/guilt someone into doing something, not allowing myself to value my own needs, etc.
posted by lazuli at 8:18 AM on March 5, 2017 [20 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 8:18 AM on March 5, 2017 [20 favorites]
Maybe it is my terrible eyesight and tendency to skim, but a point I am not seeing and feel like I failed go make adequately is that a lot of the scary feelings are fueled by not knowing how to effectively communicate and effectively resolve things in a win-win manner. In fact, many people see social situations as a win-lose scenario and are doing their best to not be the loser. It is a miserable way to go through life and absolutely can be left behind.
In many social settings, people are intentionally kept in the dark in order to take advantage of them. The less your opponent knows, the better off you are. In negotiating, the more both sides understand negotiating technique, the better the outcome. Additionally, generally speaking, the more transparent and open you are, the better the outcome.
In negotiating, value is found in the differences. I want A and you want B. I trade you B for A. We are both happy. We both gained something. No one lost.
So, if you read negotiating books, you learn a completely different paradigm that shifts talking about this stuff from scary and fraught with danger to interesting and full if opportunity.
That doesn't mean there are never situations where you should not divulge certain kinds of information. But with trusted people close to you, more information empowers the group to find optimal solutions that most satisfy all involved parties.
With my kids, I instituted the rule that no question was off limits. There were no bad questions and they would never get in trouble for asking me a question. If it was a bad word, I would explain that, but it wasn't going to get them in trouble to ask me what something meant. And then I kept my promise in that regard, even if it made me uncomfortable and if my first reaction was "Where did you learn that word!?"
posted by Michele in California at 8:48 AM on March 5, 2017
In many social settings, people are intentionally kept in the dark in order to take advantage of them. The less your opponent knows, the better off you are. In negotiating, the more both sides understand negotiating technique, the better the outcome. Additionally, generally speaking, the more transparent and open you are, the better the outcome.
In negotiating, value is found in the differences. I want A and you want B. I trade you B for A. We are both happy. We both gained something. No one lost.
So, if you read negotiating books, you learn a completely different paradigm that shifts talking about this stuff from scary and fraught with danger to interesting and full if opportunity.
That doesn't mean there are never situations where you should not divulge certain kinds of information. But with trusted people close to you, more information empowers the group to find optimal solutions that most satisfy all involved parties.
With my kids, I instituted the rule that no question was off limits. There were no bad questions and they would never get in trouble for asking me a question. If it was a bad word, I would explain that, but it wasn't going to get them in trouble to ask me what something meant. And then I kept my promise in that regard, even if it made me uncomfortable and if my first reaction was "Where did you learn that word!?"
posted by Michele in California at 8:48 AM on March 5, 2017
Response by poster: escabeche, thank you so much for this observation! I wasn't really aware of it, but you're completely right. I think what I would really like is to move to a more healthy mode of conflict resolution, whether that's more ask or guess. I think ideally then we would be able to bring conflict more out in the open and address it in a healthy manner, but I don't need us to transform into a completely ask family.
Thank you all so much for your comments and resources! There's a lot for my husband and me to chew on here as we discuss this issue. I especially appreciated the recommendation for Peacemakers, since I actually own the original book but haven't read it in years. It's obviously time to get it off my bookshelf again!
And if anyone else has any more thoughts or resources to check out, I'd love to hear them! Thanks!
posted by McPuppington the Third at 2:55 PM on March 5, 2017
Thank you all so much for your comments and resources! There's a lot for my husband and me to chew on here as we discuss this issue. I especially appreciated the recommendation for Peacemakers, since I actually own the original book but haven't read it in years. It's obviously time to get it off my bookshelf again!
And if anyone else has any more thoughts or resources to check out, I'd love to hear them! Thanks!
posted by McPuppington the Third at 2:55 PM on March 5, 2017
Response by poster: And thanks for the encouragement about the uncomfortable feelings. I had to slightly, tangentially deal with the conflict with my family of origin yesterday and felt like I was going to throw up, so the need to get comfortable with uncomfortable feelings really resonated with me.
posted by McPuppington the Third at 2:58 PM on March 5, 2017
posted by McPuppington the Third at 2:58 PM on March 5, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
My wife and I sought counselling together on how to handle my family, which in turn helped us deal with conflict in our relationship. I've learned to be more direct with my family, which has improved my relationship with my wife, if not my parents.
Seek counselling with your husband to develop healthy conflict resolution behaviours for your family.
posted by Amity at 10:38 AM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]