Should I tell my ex that i think he manipulated/abused me?
March 2, 2017 4:55 PM Subscribe
I broke up with my fiance two months ago. Of course I've been reviewing our relationship, and it just dawned on me that my ex may have manipulated me into believing that I asked him to choke me during sex...
While we were having sex one day, he choked me (lightly). He didn't ask me first whether he could do that. Afterwards, he said "dyou know where the choking came from? You were putting my hand around your neck the last time we had sex, so I thought you'd like it this time".
I have no memory of ever putting his hands around my neck, or asking him to choke me
. It's not the kind of thing that I would ask for. But at the time i believed him: I figured that maybe i must asked for it before and forgot about it.
Now, I'm thinking that he straight up lied. Im feeling confused, and I feel like it was an abusive thing for him to do (if he in fact was trying to manipulate me).
I feel like confronting him about this. Is it a bad idea to tell him that I think he lied?
We broke up because he was generally being a jerk. (the advice from my previous post on metafilter gave me courage to break up with him) He has lied to me about some other things before. To think that he manipulated me into thinking I asked to be choked... It makes me feel so confused , and wonder if maybe I'm going crazy a bit. I don't know what to do with these feelings.
He sufferers from self-loathing and depression, so i worry about how he'd take it if I confront him about this. What would you guys do in a situation like this?
We broke up because he was generally being a jerk. (the advice from my previous post on metafilter gave me courage to break up with him) He has lied to me about some other things before. To think that he manipulated me into thinking I asked to be choked... It makes me feel so confused , and wonder if maybe I'm going crazy a bit. I don't know what to do with these feelings.
He sufferers from self-loathing and depression, so i worry about how he'd take it if I confront him about this. What would you guys do in a situation like this?
I am so sorry this happened to you. Get your own therapist and tell her about it. Opening this topic with your ex only gives him the opportunity to hurt or manipulate you again.
posted by crazycanuck at 5:01 PM on March 2, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by crazycanuck at 5:01 PM on March 2, 2017 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, leave it. A manipulator will only practice more manipulation on you, leaving you with even more unresolved issues. He knows what he did. You know what he did. Let that be enough.
posted by janey47 at 5:14 PM on March 2, 2017 [13 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 5:14 PM on March 2, 2017 [13 favorites]
I can't see any benefit to you in talking to him at all, let alone bringing this kind of stuff up. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, maybe a bit of both. Are you looking for him to admit it, tell you that you're actually wonderful and he was the jerk? That's not going to happen. What else do you want from the confrontation?
Maybe he lied to you about some things. That doesn't make you crazy.
posted by tillsbury at 5:22 PM on March 2, 2017
Maybe he lied to you about some things. That doesn't make you crazy.
posted by tillsbury at 5:22 PM on March 2, 2017
I would focus on figuring out what you think you'd get out of telling him, rather than telling him.
You are allowed to go ahead and decide without his input that what happened was fucked up, that you didn't like it, that it was harmful to you, and that you can proceed with dealing with this particular bit of abuse your own way. You don't need his permission and you don't need his confirmation.
And it is very, very unlikely that you will get his apology. Even if you do, it doesn't make it un-happen. The only direction you've got here is forward, so just focus on that.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:34 PM on March 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
You are allowed to go ahead and decide without his input that what happened was fucked up, that you didn't like it, that it was harmful to you, and that you can proceed with dealing with this particular bit of abuse your own way. You don't need his permission and you don't need his confirmation.
And it is very, very unlikely that you will get his apology. Even if you do, it doesn't make it un-happen. The only direction you've got here is forward, so just focus on that.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:34 PM on March 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
Is it a bad idea to tell him that I think he lied?
It's hard to see how this helps you in any way. Either he lied or he didn't. You believe he did. Nothing he says will change that. He's still an asshole and he still treated you badly and you broke up with him for good reasons, whether or not he lied to you about this one thing.
You already ditched him. Forget about him and his bullshit and move on to better things.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:58 PM on March 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
It's hard to see how this helps you in any way. Either he lied or he didn't. You believe he did. Nothing he says will change that. He's still an asshole and he still treated you badly and you broke up with him for good reasons, whether or not he lied to you about this one thing.
You already ditched him. Forget about him and his bullshit and move on to better things.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:58 PM on March 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
Nope. Too many people are very mistakenly told that they need to be assertive with the people who have hurt them - well, that does not work with abusive people - with abusive people, you get as far away from them as humanly possible.
This is not about you being weak or strong here; this is just about basic survival - no good at all will come from confronting him on this.
posted by heyjude at 6:13 PM on March 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
This is not about you being weak or strong here; this is just about basic survival - no good at all will come from confronting him on this.
posted by heyjude at 6:13 PM on March 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
Don't give this jerk any more chances to mess with your head. You know who and what he is, be thankful that is out of your life and you are free to find good people who treat you the way you deserve. Living well really is the best revenge.
posted by rpfields at 6:14 PM on March 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 6:14 PM on March 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You asserted yourself by breaking up with him. Continue to do the right thing for yourself by having zero contact with him. More feelings are going to come up about this relationship, now that time has passed and you're gaining perspective. Honor these feelings, and see what you can learn from your new thinking about what happened with that guy. This is all about you -- don't bring him into it directly. It's totally normal reflex to want to speak to him about it, but as you get further away from your entanglement with him, that desire will fade.
posted by wryly at 6:27 PM on March 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by wryly at 6:27 PM on March 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: No, the best thing I ever did when I left an abusive relationship was when I decided, months later, to stop calling him or talking to him ever again. Every interaction was an invitation for more abuse.
Take care of yourself. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 6:30 PM on March 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
Take care of yourself. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 6:30 PM on March 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
Best answer: don't ever talk with this man again, if you can possibly help it.
don't worry about his mental health/self-loathing--i'm sure he's been using that as an excuse for how he's treated you for a very long time. it might help to do some reading on abuse and gaslighting--captain awkward advice blog was a site that helped me understand that stuff much better, and get some perspective on it through reading about others' relationships.
posted by JBD at 6:38 PM on March 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
don't worry about his mental health/self-loathing--i'm sure he's been using that as an excuse for how he's treated you for a very long time. it might help to do some reading on abuse and gaslighting--captain awkward advice blog was a site that helped me understand that stuff much better, and get some perspective on it through reading about others' relationships.
posted by JBD at 6:38 PM on March 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all very much, this is very helpful.
I feel like e should know that i know what be did, and that its fucked up. That is one thing I want to get out of speaking to him.. and I also want to tell him that that kind of manipulation can escalate and turn into something really dark.
Shortly after this incident he confided in me that he has a rape fantasy and asked if we could incorporate it into our sex life by doing role play. I'm pretty non-judgmental about people's kinks, so it didn't shock me (and we broke up before exploring it further). But it makes me fear that he might try this manipulation thing with a future partner as a way of easing her into violent sex.
posted by Hummingbird1983 at 6:39 PM on March 2, 2017
I feel like e should know that i know what be did, and that its fucked up. That is one thing I want to get out of speaking to him.. and I also want to tell him that that kind of manipulation can escalate and turn into something really dark.
Shortly after this incident he confided in me that he has a rape fantasy and asked if we could incorporate it into our sex life by doing role play. I'm pretty non-judgmental about people's kinks, so it didn't shock me (and we broke up before exploring it further). But it makes me fear that he might try this manipulation thing with a future partner as a way of easing her into violent sex.
posted by Hummingbird1983 at 6:39 PM on March 2, 2017
Best answer: No-- for your own sake, don't give him another chance to manipulate you into doubting yourself.
Please do tell us (I believe your recollection of events fwiw), tell a trusted friend, a therapist, your sister, shout it from the rooftops, but approaching him with this directly is going to be so unsatisfying you will again question your sanity.
Think about it this way: If he were the type of person who could receive this feedback, validate you, sincerely apologize, make amends, and reform, I'm guessing you wouldn't have had any of these issues in the first place.
He's not going to see the light, especially if you're the one to call him out.
posted by kapers at 6:41 PM on March 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
Please do tell us (I believe your recollection of events fwiw), tell a trusted friend, a therapist, your sister, shout it from the rooftops, but approaching him with this directly is going to be so unsatisfying you will again question your sanity.
Think about it this way: If he were the type of person who could receive this feedback, validate you, sincerely apologize, make amends, and reform, I'm guessing you wouldn't have had any of these issues in the first place.
He's not going to see the light, especially if you're the one to call him out.
posted by kapers at 6:41 PM on March 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
But it makes me fear that he might try this manipulation thing with a future partner as a way of easing her into violent sex.
There is literally nothing you can do about this. You're not going to provoke some sort of epiphany and remorse and personal commitment on his part to never do such a thing again by calling him out on this.
posted by blue suede stockings at 6:43 PM on March 2, 2017 [14 favorites]
There is literally nothing you can do about this. You're not going to provoke some sort of epiphany and remorse and personal commitment on his part to never do such a thing again by calling him out on this.
posted by blue suede stockings at 6:43 PM on March 2, 2017 [14 favorites]
He knows what he did was wrong- that's why he made up the lie afterwards. Stay away.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 6:48 PM on March 2, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by galvanized unicorn at 6:48 PM on March 2, 2017 [14 favorites]
The hardest thing about ending any relationship, I think, is the lingering desire to be seen by our ex as who we really are - - not the one he lied to or toyed with, but the strong, smart woman who would be the best partner anyone could ask for if they would just cut the crap and act right. Sometimes they even count on that desire to lure us back so they can hurt us more. It takes a long time to let go of it, but just use whatever means at your disposal to not give in while it's still burning. I guarantee you that it would make no difference to him and would only leave you feeling frustrated and crazy.
I speak from experience.
posted by janey47 at 7:09 PM on March 2, 2017 [17 favorites]
I speak from experience.
posted by janey47 at 7:09 PM on March 2, 2017 [17 favorites]
I feel like e should know that i know what be did, and that its fucked up.
He doesn't care and he's going to keep rewriting history to justify doing and saying whatever he wants. Stay away from him.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:15 PM on March 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
He doesn't care and he's going to keep rewriting history to justify doing and saying whatever he wants. Stay away from him.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:15 PM on March 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I worried a lot about the next woman after I left my abuser. It was something that therapy helped me come to terms with. I was able to come to a realization that I was attempting to protect an imaginary woman from future abuse more than I was trying to protect my own self, who really deserved (and continues to deserve) and very much needed care and protection at that time.
It's OK to take care of yourself right now.
posted by sockermom at 7:26 PM on March 2, 2017 [18 favorites]
It's OK to take care of yourself right now.
posted by sockermom at 7:26 PM on March 2, 2017 [18 favorites]
Either he already knows what is and isn't okay, or is so detached that you telling him isn't going to help. If you think he's a danger to others, consider telling the police, not him.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:31 PM on March 2, 2017
posted by Lyn Never at 7:31 PM on March 2, 2017
Frankly, he sounds dangerous. I wouldn't contact him.
posted by ziggly at 8:42 PM on March 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by ziggly at 8:42 PM on March 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: and I also want to tell him that that kind of manipulation can escalate and turn into something really dark.
He already knows this. It was a tryout. He manipulated you into doubting yourself very effectively. He was laying the groundwork for going further.
He has no need of anyone to tell him something he is very well aware of already, even though he is lying about it, probably to himself as well. He is in the past for you, thank goodness. This has come up in your mind now because now it's a safe time to think about it. So think about it. It's showing you something about your projected future with him. It should scare you, because it is scary.
On the other hand it's confirmation to you that you were right to break up with him and you should continue to have nothing at all to do with him, because he is scarier and more destructive than you could realise when you were in the relationship. Also he is extraordinarily good at misdirection. People aren't that manipulative by accident. He doesn't need you to tell him anything about himself, seriously, he already knows what he was doing to you.
posted by glasseyes at 3:52 AM on March 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
He already knows this. It was a tryout. He manipulated you into doubting yourself very effectively. He was laying the groundwork for going further.
He has no need of anyone to tell him something he is very well aware of already, even though he is lying about it, probably to himself as well. He is in the past for you, thank goodness. This has come up in your mind now because now it's a safe time to think about it. So think about it. It's showing you something about your projected future with him. It should scare you, because it is scary.
On the other hand it's confirmation to you that you were right to break up with him and you should continue to have nothing at all to do with him, because he is scarier and more destructive than you could realise when you were in the relationship. Also he is extraordinarily good at misdirection. People aren't that manipulative by accident. He doesn't need you to tell him anything about himself, seriously, he already knows what he was doing to you.
posted by glasseyes at 3:52 AM on March 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
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You've gotten rid of this guy, now let him stay 100% out of your life and do your own work to move on from him and his behavior, whatever that means for you (therapy, processing with friends, lots of self care, journaling, a ritual like writing things down and burning the paper, etc. -- obviously this will be different for everyone) I highly doubt this guy is going to give you the closure you want and need -- you have to do that yourself.
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:00 PM on March 2, 2017 [80 favorites]