Cool scar story, bro!
February 1, 2017 6:44 AM   Subscribe

I just got top surgery last week and by the time I take my shirt off in public, my scars will look approximately like this (NOT me, just showing you placement and size). What are some fun stories I could make up about why I have the scars?

I wear hearing aids in both ears and when I was in school I'd tell other kids they were radio transmitters so I could communicate with the mother ship. I'm also missing a finger from birth and I'd make up stories about bar fights and "you should see the other guy." So I'm looking for stuff in that vein, especially if it's quasi-plausible but makes the other person laugh.
posted by AFABulous to Grab Bag (50 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
"Turns out the autopsy was premature..."
posted by cooker girl at 6:47 AM on February 1, 2017 [47 favorites]


One word: wolves
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:47 AM on February 1, 2017 [5 favorites]


Some guy started chanting "Kalima" and tore out my still-beating heart.
posted by bondcliff at 6:54 AM on February 1, 2017 [5 favorites]


You got a bear hug from a real bear!
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:54 AM on February 1, 2017 [3 favorites]


Motorcycle sword jousting match! Congrats on the top surgery, BTW - hope recovery goes smoothly.
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:56 AM on February 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


"Cut myself shaving. Why?"
posted by Mayor West at 6:57 AM on February 1, 2017 [6 favorites]


Of course it's from fighting Nazis.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:01 AM on February 1, 2017 [20 favorites]


"I mean, to be fair, they do warn you up front that the Klingon rite of ascension isn't all hugs and cupcakes—"
posted by cortex at 7:18 AM on February 1, 2017 [11 favorites]


"My tray was not in upright and locked position at landing."
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:21 AM on February 1, 2017 [40 favorites]


I usually go with knife fight for mine, but I appreciate your question so I can get some better ideas!
posted by asperity at 7:22 AM on February 1, 2017


Turns out that we did, in fact, need a bigger boat.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:27 AM on February 1, 2017 [15 favorites]


I figured "why do I need to wear clothes to have pockets?" but then, after a short trial period, I changed my mind.
posted by I-baLL at 7:27 AM on February 1, 2017 [8 favorites]


Ninjas Or the old standby: You should see the other guy.
posted by PJMoore at 7:28 AM on February 1, 2017


Stuck head into lion's mouth. Lion apparently not briefed on plan.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:29 AM on February 1, 2017


"Chef training at Benihana. I didn't pass."
"You know how they teach you not to run with scissors in kindergarten? I was sick that day."
"I got hit with a folding chair at a wrestling match. Incidentally, wrestling is NOT fake."
"I was playing Mortal Kombat, and the other guy botched his finishing move."
"I tried to teach a robot the Heimlich maneuver."
"I was born with upside-down lungs, and I had to get them surgically flipped."
"Goldfinger expected me to die."
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:33 AM on February 1, 2017 [9 favorites]


Turns out I don't put the lotion on my skin.
posted by koolkat at 7:36 AM on February 1, 2017 [3 favorites]


Had those new artificial, titanium, ribs inserted for the standard reasons.
posted by AugustWest at 7:37 AM on February 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


I was in a sabre duel at Heidelberg.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 7:43 AM on February 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


Blame the cats.
posted by dinty_moore at 7:44 AM on February 1, 2017


You slipped and fell while doing a parkour stunt over an active swordfight.
posted by witchen at 7:46 AM on February 1, 2017


"You know Wolverine? It was kinda like that."
posted by restless_nomad at 7:47 AM on February 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


Or pretend that the scars are something that everyone is born with, when told by someone that they don't have scars, take a note and mutter something about having to send some skin suit adjustments to the homeworld.

But the cats one nicely segues into changing the subject to your cats, and then showing pictures of said cats, which seems like a win/win scenario.
posted by dinty_moore at 7:51 AM on February 1, 2017 [5 favorites]


Buy one of these to carry around.
posted by thingonaspring at 7:59 AM on February 1, 2017


"I just love anchors"
posted by spraypaint at 8:01 AM on February 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


"I had my lungs rotated." Give the questioner an assessing gaze. "Yours should be about due for the same."
posted by Sunburnt at 8:25 AM on February 1, 2017 [30 favorites]


I'm a Nexus Six.
I'm a replicant.
I failed my Voight-Kampf.
I'm from the Off World Colonies.
posted by effluvia at 8:41 AM on February 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


The (now-defunct?) trans punk/klezmer band Schmekel has a song about this - "Shark Attack!" (Lyrics here.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:42 AM on February 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


Cow tipping accident. I tried to hurdle the barbed wire and ... *shrug*
posted by jillithd at 9:08 AM on February 1, 2017


"My lawyer says I can't talk about it yet."
posted by Wild_Eep at 9:18 AM on February 1, 2017 [3 favorites]


"All I can say is... if you're going skydiving... don't choose the place based on price."
posted by Wild_Eep at 9:19 AM on February 1, 2017 [7 favorites]


"Scars...? Oh my goodness! Where did those come from?"
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:26 AM on February 1, 2017


Cow tipping accident. I tried to hurdle the barbed wire and ... *shrug*

Snipe attack.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:30 AM on February 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


This weird Spanish guy thought I killed his father. He kept telling me his name, but I forgot it.
posted by Mchelly at 9:32 AM on February 1, 2017 [6 favorites]


I would never lie about my (substantial) surgical scars, so I just tell the honest truth:

"It was dark. He had a knife. I don't know what happened next, but I woke up like this."
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 9:35 AM on February 1, 2017 [17 favorites]


"Adamantium underwire bras are a BITCH."
posted by DrAstroZoom at 9:37 AM on February 1, 2017


Oh yeah, and my go-to answer for everything:

I was young and I needed the money.
posted by Mchelly at 9:38 AM on February 1, 2017 [8 favorites]


"What scars?"
posted by scratch at 9:49 AM on February 1, 2017


I got drunk, passed out and woke up in a hotel bath tub full of ice.

I do like "Turns out the autopsy was premature..."
posted by tman99 at 9:57 AM on February 1, 2017




I have a big, angry scar running a third of the way around my trunk (from a partial nephrectomy), and I've always told my kids it was from a shark attack.
posted by bifter at 11:04 AM on February 1, 2017


Pitchfork fight!
posted by RainyJay at 12:01 PM on February 1, 2017


A magician tried to saw me in half.
posted by Grandysaur at 12:39 PM on February 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


Appendectomy by Dr. Benway.
posted by spacewrench at 12:54 PM on February 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


I tried to chest bump a velociraptor.
posted by bondcliff at 1:49 PM on February 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


Lost a fight with a lawnmower.
posted by catatethebird at 2:06 PM on February 1, 2017


Remember Carol Doda? I got tired of people asking if I was related to her.
posted by Bruce H. at 3:14 PM on February 1, 2017


Broadswords, in a pit.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:25 PM on February 1, 2017


I have the same scars (from a reduction, so I still have some breast tissue, but the incisions are the same) and mine were barely visible after less than a year and now, 8 years later, they're nigh invisible. So you might be overthinking it. Especially if T provides some chest hair.

Otherwise, I'd go for shaming. "Well bless your heart, what a rude question!“
posted by elsietheeel at 10:05 PM on February 1, 2017


Turns out you should master juggling clubs before you move onto broken bottles.
That's where they started putting in the adamantium.
posted by plinth at 6:09 AM on February 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


When I'm able to walk, I often use leg braces in addition to canes/walker. I get asked a LOT "What happened to you?!" My answers vary, similar to those above, but they always take the form, "Would you believe...?"

"What happened to you?"

"Would you believe, skydiving?"

"You were skydiving and THAT happened?"

"Nope, just wanted to know if you'd believe it. So, "
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 8:00 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


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