Which coworkers is it appropriate to invite to a wedding?
January 31, 2017 6:40 AM   Subscribe

We're a small org, 15 or so total employees. I work mostly remotely but work out of the office and grab dinner/drinks with coworkers once a week or so (the office is a couple hours from where I live). There are about 4 other people that work remotely from the opposite coast - I see them 1-2 times a year. Is it appropriate to invite just in-office folks, or do I need to include everyone? Save the Dates will go out in the next few weeks - Thoughts?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total)
 
You do not need to include everyone. If I got a wedding invitation from someone I worked remotely with asking me to cross the country for their wedding, unless we were on a very friendly basis in phone/email contact, I would personally see it as awkward.
posted by ftm at 6:52 AM on January 31, 2017 [4 favorites]


Invite the people you want to be there, not those you feel obligated to invite.
posted by paradeofblimps at 6:57 AM on January 31, 2017 [9 favorites]


I only invited some co-workers. We had a team of about 10 at the time, two of whom were new and one of whom I didn't really like. So seven people got invitations. What paradeofblimps said.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:58 AM on January 31, 2017 [1 favorite]


It is fine to invite only local people.

You want to avoid having people feel left out, so think of it as you might a child's birthday party and inviting members of their class. You can invite a couple of people you are particularly close to, but omit most of the group. You can invite some obvious subset of people ('only the locals' is an obvious subset, for kids parties it is often 'only the girls' or similar). You can invite everyone.

The main thing to avoid is inviting, say, 8 out of 10 local people, leaving the last two to wonder why you hate them.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:01 AM on January 31, 2017 [9 favorites]


I worked in a local office of about 20 with a satellite office on the other coast and I invited 3 people from work total (all from the local office). You're under no obligation to coworkers to invite any of them. People understand that weddings are expensive.
posted by adrianb at 7:06 AM on January 31, 2017 [2 favorites]


Totally fine to only invite the local people.

If I were you, I might consider whether it is necessary to send save the dates to any coworkers at this point. Save the dates are not required; you can just send invitations to your local co-workers when you send the invitations. If you're sending save the dates, I assume your wedding is months away. Assuming this, if one or more of your local coworkers left your job before your wedding, would you still want to invite them? If you wouldn't, or you're not sure, I would skip the save the dates for the work people, so you are not committing yourself to the invitations now.

This happened to a friend of mine. She had family who lived on the other side of the world, so she sent her save the dates very early - a year in advance of the wedding - so that those people could make travel arrangements. She sent save the dates to her coworkers who she liked. Shortly after the save the dates went out, she left her job for a new position. Unsurprisingly, the job change meant that her relationships with her old coworkers became much more distant. She sent them invitations, but she admitted that if she hadn't sent the save the dates to them, she probably would only have invited the two that she maintained a friendship with.
posted by Caz721 at 7:20 AM on January 31, 2017 [5 favorites]


I only invited some co-workers. We had a team of about 10 at the time, two of whom were new and one of whom I didn't really like. So seven people got invitations.
I can pretty much assure you that at least one, and possibly three, were hurt by this.

My advice is to invite everyone in the group you see regularly. There's no need to invite people you see once or twice a year.
posted by Dolley at 7:55 AM on January 31, 2017 [1 favorite]


There is no perfect answer here. If you send them to everyone, one of the remote people might feel obligated to fly across country for someone they barely know. If you send it to only the locals, one of the remote people might feel left out. The good news is this means you should send it to whoever you would want to see at your wedding, because you are not responsible for the emotions of others! Yay!
posted by Rock Steady at 7:55 AM on January 31, 2017 [1 favorite]


You know, you don't need to invite *any* coworkers...it's totally fine to be friendly with work people but not invite them to your wedding. I'd only invite people if they were truly friends, and not just friendly colleagues.
posted by msbubbaclees at 8:48 AM on January 31, 2017 [15 favorites]


Contrarian view. If you're only going to invite one or two particularly good friends who happen to be co-workers, fine. But any more than that and you'll make the others feel excluded.

All other things being equal (e.g. expenses and space) there are benefits to inviting people outside your most intimate circle. It gives the event diversity; you'll feel that you have more people "on your side", pulling for you, and this will extend into your future, as well. Those who really don't feel close to you will either politely self-select by begging off (but be pleased they were invited and not feel excluded), or else they'll show up and and naturally come to care about you more. What's wrong with that?

"It's your wedding; fuck these people; just invite whoever you want to party with!" is a perfectly reasonable approach, but doesn't strike me as coming from the best human place.
posted by Quisp Lover at 9:34 AM on January 31, 2017


We're getting married soon, and only inviting the folks that we socialize with outside of work.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:43 AM on January 31, 2017 [6 favorites]


A wedding is a celebration of a major life event between two people who are taking a huge leap together. Invite friends, people who genuinely mean something to you, and if the circle overlaps into people who sometimes email you spreadsheets, great. But if your only connection is that you share spreadsheets, they don't need to be invited to one of the biggest moments of your life. You can have a backyard barbecue to socialize with them.
posted by sageleaf at 11:04 AM on January 31, 2017 [6 favorites]


I only invited some co-workers. We had a team of about 10 at the time, two of whom were new and one of whom I didn't really like. So seven people got invitations.
I can pretty much assure you that at least one, and possibly three, were hurt by this.


PS. I have been one, and possibly all three of these people. Not hurt.
posted by sageleaf at 11:09 AM on January 31, 2017


If I were one of the cross country coworkers and got an invite, I might see it as a gift grab if I were having a bad day. I'd invite all the locals. If it comes up in conversation with a distant person and they express an interest (even if they just mention they'd love to get you a gift), send them an invite then.
posted by pecanpies at 11:25 AM on January 31, 2017 [1 favorite]


Invite who you want to be there and don't feel guilty about it. I work in a lab team of 9 people and we've had 3 members get married in recent years- one invited all 9, 1 invited none, and 1 invited the 2 people she was closest to. No one was offended in any scenario. In your case it's absolutely fine not to invite the remote coworkers you only see a couple of times a year. Personally I'd only invite the ones I was friendly with outside work and had met my partner. Good point on not sending any of them save the dates- then you can decide later.
posted by emd3737 at 1:00 PM on January 31, 2017 [2 favorites]


To your wedding? None of them. To your pre-wedding shindigging, if you do any? Whoever you like.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:17 PM on January 31, 2017 [1 favorite]


As you can see, people are going to interpret whatever you do however they want. This will be the case with every choice you make so I recommend just making yourself happy.
posted by dame at 6:08 AM on February 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


As you can see, people are going to interpret whatever you do however they want. This will be the case with every choice you make so I recommend just making yourself happy.

This should be auto-posted to any wedding question.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:06 AM on February 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


I only invited some co-workers. We had a team of about 10 at the time, two of whom were new and one of whom I didn't really like. So seven people got invitations.

Be cautious if you do something like this. It would be clearly logical if you didn't invite 'new' people, but if you were to leave out just one or two coworkers that you know about the same as everyone else just because you didn't like them, it could get awkward.

Whatever you choose to do, remember that you're very likely to continue working at this place, and thus don't want any awkwardness going forward.
posted by Everydayville at 12:21 PM on February 1, 2017


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