A couple of great dates but this guy's behaviour seems off.
January 25, 2017 6:09 AM   Subscribe

Matched with the same guy on both OkCupid and tinder and had a couple of great dates: lots to talk about, much in common. At the end of 2nd he gave me a peck on the lips and said we should do this again. I just smiled and agreed. He hasn't got in touch since. I initiated 2nd date. Do I write casually to ask how he is doing, or just leave it?

Hello. I wonder if you can help me with yet another dating dilemma...
2 weeks ago I matched with the same guy on both OkCupid and tinder. He asked if I wanted to go for a drink and I accepted, based on our okc high match percentage and his profile. We had a great 1st date. I found him quite exciting.
At the end he just said "keep in touch", which I found a bit cold.
In any case, I did- the day after I asked him if he wanted to go to a gallery with me, something we both enjoy. He agreed, but as he proposed a morning date, I thought I'd be honest and said that perhaps we shouldn't meet again after all, since based on his answers on okc he's looking for someone younger to maybe have kids with, one day, and I'm a little older and don't want any- maybe that was why he didn't seem keen. I told him to let me know if this wasn't a deal-breaker and he replied he is indeed looking for someone younger (though I'm in his age bracket) but we should meet as friends.
I agreed, as I thought maybe on the 2nd date I may realise I'm not fussed- though I am not interested in his friendship. We set a time to meet up a week later, and had no contact in between. On the day, I got to the gallery on time but after 10 minutes he still had not showed up, so I contacted him to ask if he was late and he answered immediately to say he had forgotten (!) but could get there in 30 minutes. I agreed to wait and he arrived in 20, which makes me think he was ready but for some reason had decided not to come until I chased him.
Obviously I was pretty humiliated by this but we visited the show, then he proposed a coffee he paid for, then a walk and then lunch so overall we spent 4 hours together and again hit it off. At the end I said I had to go and he gave me a peck on the lips and said we should do this again. I just smiled and agreed.
He has not been in touch since. Personally I don't think I should write, as I feel I've been forcing this. I know if he wants kids we have no future, really, but wouldn't mind taking it further myself and see where it goes.
What do you make of his behaviour? I'm inclined to leave it right now, but hate not exploring potential when I see it.
posted by muppets to Human Relations (29 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Let it go.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 6:13 AM on January 25, 2017 [17 favorites]


He already said before the 2nd date he just wanted to meet as friends, so I don't think there's anything left to pursue. I'd leave it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:14 AM on January 25, 2017 [16 favorites]


No just let this one lie. Also standing someone up isn't super cool. Also why does he only want to date younger women? No no no just let it lie.
posted by benadryl at 6:22 AM on January 25, 2017 [30 favorites]


and he replied he is indeed looking for someone younger (though I'm in his age bracket)
*record scratch*

Leave it. You'll find a better match.
posted by kimberussell at 6:26 AM on January 25, 2017 [18 favorites]


Definitely let him go.

He probably enjoyed your company, but only as a casual acquaintance and not as a potential SO. Standing you up was really uncool; I agree that he didn't "forget", he was just blowing you off. And that bit about 'looking for someone younger' --- wooboy, that's a red flag right there: he's looking for arm-candy to show off to his buddies, the way a lot of older (and often rich) dudes want a Playboy bunny, not an equal partner.
posted by easily confused at 6:34 AM on January 25, 2017 [2 favorites]


I really wouldn't even say you've had a couple of "great" "dates." He stood you up on that second one, for Pete's sake - not at all great - and even if he hadn't, he said he wanted to get together as friends - so not a date.

I really don't think you have anywhere to go with this dude. You will find better.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:35 AM on January 25, 2017 [8 favorites]


That's too much no-contact from him for him to be really interested. And standing you up? He's definitely not interested. Sorry.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:45 AM on January 25, 2017 [2 favorites]


This dude is telling you in words and actions that he's not into you and you deserve better. He told you he wanted to be friends because he's looking for someone younger then he stood you up! What friend does that, even!? It can be hard to focus on what's really going on because you'd like there to be something more (oh wait, he treated me to coffee and we had lunch and he kissed me on the lips, so?), but he'll just waste your time and energy that you could use to pursue someone who is kind and is also into you unreservedly.
posted by *s at 6:56 AM on January 25, 2017 [17 favorites]


Next!

Sorry. It sounds like you connected with him which from what I've heard can seem rare in online dating but this ocean liner is headed in a different direction and you are going to waste a lot of energy trying to turn it. Keep fishing!
posted by amanda at 7:08 AM on January 25, 2017 [4 favorites]


Run and don't look back.

Relax, Mr. Right is out there. You two just haven't met yet.
posted by james33 at 7:19 AM on January 25, 2017 [2 favorites]


We set a time to meet up a week later, and had no contact in between. On the day, I got to the gallery…

He might easily have interpreted your not confirming the date as disinterest, and similarly expected you to interpret his lack of contact as disinterest. In the future, you should confirm the day of or the day before.

—or, he might really have forgotten, which is evidence of disinterest. In which case, there's nothing there.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 7:32 AM on January 25, 2017


I feel your pain. This is pretty typical of how online dating goes. Ordinarily I would say maybe give it another shot, but as he has stated he just wants to be friends AND is looking to date younger, coupled with him forgetting (or whatever) the date, then I would say definitely let it go.

It sucks, I know, to connect with someone and have it not work out, when connecting seems so rare. But I think you'll save yourself pain if you can move on at this point.
posted by bearette at 7:35 AM on January 25, 2017 [3 favorites]


He wants children and you do not.
He is not interested.

He is telling you what he wants, and his goals--which is not you, but that's a good thing because he's preventing you from wasting any more time on him.
Try again with someone else.
posted by blueberry at 7:46 AM on January 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


Thanks, everyone- it's good to be clearly told what the deal is, as for me the uncertainty is half of the problem.
For the record, blueberry- he didn't tell me what he wanted until I suspected what the problem may be and asked him directly- I doubt he'd have been straightforward about it otherwise.
posted by muppets at 8:27 AM on January 25, 2017


Contrarian here. There is absolutley nothing wrong with contacting this guy, letting him know that you are interested, and asking him if his silence means that he isn't intetested. Adults are allowed to do that, just as they are allowed not to be interested in each other after any number of dates.

What other people think of you and your actions matters very little, as long as you conduct yourself with grace and class. What you think of you matters enormously. You are allowed to ask for what you want. Do not let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

Even if this guy still blows you off, (and in keeping with my first sentence...) I think you are pretty awesome. You went on a date with someone you liked, the outcome of which is always uncertain. Give yourself credit for the risks that you did take. Don't beat yourself up for missing the signs. Your heart isn't interested in signs. It shouldn't be.
posted by Mr. Fig at 8:35 AM on January 25, 2017 [12 favorites]


as he proposed a morning date, I thought I'd be honest and said that perhaps we shouldn't meet again after all, since based on his answers on okc he's looking for someone younger to maybe have kids with, one day, and I'm a little older and don't want any- maybe that was why he didn't seem keen."

To me, this sounds like you were flaky first. He showed interest, and you backpedaled that interest by giving him a clear reason to back out, as if expecting him to. If I were on the receiving end of that, I would feel like you weren't that interested in a relationship but were trying to be the good guy and give me an out.

Then you didn't communicate at all between the plan and the date. Yes, he didn't either, but if he was already feeling like he was getting mixed signals from you, your not communicating with him at all would be strike two. Especially when you suggested the gallery date. It should be on you to facilitate the plan.

So I can't tell you whether he's worth pursuing or not, because other than saying you really hit it off, I'm still not getting the sense you actually care about him or think this has any legs as a relationship. But if you're being reticent here and actually really like him, then I would reach out. But you'll have to show yourself to be really interested and apologize for being standoffish before. It still may not work, but this is one of those times when the ball may be in your court.
posted by Mchelly at 8:44 AM on January 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


What? No. He told you he's not interested. That's what "we can go out again AS FRIENDS" means - it means he enjoys your company (as you perceived), but is not romantically interested. You're not interested in his friendship. Move on.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:01 AM on January 25, 2017 [4 favorites]


He did say we should meet as friends, true, but then he kissed me on the lips. And yes, perhaps I also gave mixed signals, but as women, we are told so many times that we shouldn't pursue men, and not to seem needy, and that if a man is interested he'll show it, that it is no wonder I'm terrified of doing anything wrong. I find it all very confusing.
posted by muppets at 9:18 AM on January 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


A peck on the lips on the second date is a sign of sexual disinterest, not interest. A sexual-interest kiss will involve a real embrace, at least.

I don't think this is about the signals you gave. You're fine (although in general any date you make you ought to confirm the day before, if there hasn't been contact in between.) The guy just wants to be friends.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:23 AM on January 25, 2017


Why are you trying to get attached to a man who wants kids? Date a man who doesn't want kids.
posted by Clotilde at 10:38 AM on January 25, 2017 [8 favorites]


Not to be unkind, but he did not give you mixed signals in any way. All his signals were very, very clear.

But it does suck when things don't work out. But be kinder to yourself next time. Don't let yourself go down the road of making things into something they aren't and getting your feeling hurt.

He didn't reject you. He simply wanted other things.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 2:30 PM on January 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


F. Here, totally pursued my M. now fiancé -sure, it can be intimidating but it's not like I held him down and made him propose. I get the cultural narrative that says that he's the one who has to pursue, but, I think that's crap. (How does that rule apply to same sex couples any way? It doesn't- so why should it to m/f relationships?)

Keep your head up, keep looking- I also understand the pain of being interested in Mr 'almost but not quite right'. It's a sign that you had a win (in finding someone), but circumstances mean that it didn't work out.

You've had success, so to me this means you can keep going and look for the next win (and maybe that will work out.)
posted by freethefeet at 3:29 PM on January 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


I don't think you two are matched at all, so definitely give this one a pass. But I am not seeing where his behavior was "off"? If anything, your behavior is more confusing to me.

as he proposed a morning date, I thought I'd be honest and said that perhaps we shouldn't meet again after all

Morning dates mean you have to throw serious issues on the table?

he replied ... we should meet as friends.
I agreed, as I thought maybe on the 2nd date I may realise I'm not fussed


But . . . you didn't have a second date. You met up as friends. I realize that he kissed you, but you were apparently already thinking of this as a date beforehand, when he told you he didn't want to go on a date with you.

I don't think you gave mixed signals but I am not sure you are seeing this with logical eyes. Especially since you are asking whether you should meet up with a guy for the third time (!) with whom you have diametrically opposed life goals.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:34 PM on January 25, 2017 [3 favorites]


Yes, I realise I haven't been logical here. Had I been, I wouldn't have agreed to meet someone who wants kids, when I don't, hoping there'd be more than friendship at the end.
But then dating is hardly ever logical, no? If emotions weren't involved, it'd be much easier.
And perhaps he hasn't been entirely logical, either, asking someone older out when he's looking for a younger woman, and kissing her after saying he only wants friendship.
My guess is that, had I not brought up the kids issue very early on -which may have been confusing, but also helpful- he'd have strung me along until he'd found the younger girl he was looking for.
And to that I say- no thanks.
I hope I have not come across as bitter, resentful or even critical of the guy, as someone here seemed to imply, though. By 'off' behaviour I meant, not what you'd expect after a great date.
In any case, thanks for some great responses, it's all been very useful.
posted by muppets at 1:57 AM on January 26, 2017


but we should meet as friends.

This seems pretty clear to me. He friend-zoned you, and he told you he was doing it. Anything more is just wishful thinking on your part.

And then he forgot your date. Someone who's interested will not forget; he will be counting the minutes until your next date.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:10 AM on January 26, 2017 [2 favorites]


Ok, MexicanYenta. He friendzoned me. Thanks for making it so clear.
posted by muppets at 8:32 AM on January 26, 2017


He forgot to turn up for your second date? If you are really into someone you do not forget, you can't stop thinking about it. Forget him instead!
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:10 AM on January 26, 2017 [2 favorites]


Whoa whoa whoa.
I thought I'd be honest and said that perhaps we shouldn't meet again after all, since based on his answers on okc he's looking for someone younger to maybe have kids with, one day, and I'm a little older and don't want any- maybe that was why he didn't seem keen.
If someone sent me this literally as we were scheduling a second time to hang out, I would strongly interpret this as "this person is trying to justify why they don't want to date me."

Now, I get that your gut was saying that he wasn't into you. I get that. But your gut was also saying that you were into him. I strongly suggest that in the future, listen harder to what your gut tells you about your own feelings about someone, and less as to what your gut thinks is going on in someone's head -- especially if you've only known them for literally a matter of hours.

We had a great 1st date. I found him quite exciting.

If those feelings are still true, I think you should try one last time, for the sake of not disqualifying yourself. "Hey, I've had a great time hanging out with you. I find you really exciting. Would you like to go out again on [x date]?"
posted by nicodine at 11:31 AM on January 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


Firstly, definitely let this one go. He hasn't contacted you, and believe me, if he wanted to he would.

Secondly, don't message him with a reason why you shouldn't meet up. As a previous commenter said, it sounds like you're trying to give him a reason why he shouldn't be with you!

Bringing up the issue kids is probably a little bit much just before a second date, but if you don't want any, and he does, then clearly this is already an issue.

Listen to your instincts. He said "let's keep in touch", you found it cold. He then didn't contact you. Why would you want to chase someone like that?
posted by datingandotherstories at 7:42 AM on January 29, 2017


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