He seems very attracted to me but is unable to maintain his erection
January 17, 2017 1:49 AM   Subscribe

I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months now. Since the first time we had sex, he kept losing his erection. I thought it was just nerves but things never got better.

We waited about 7 dates to have sex. We made out from date 1 and were hot and heavy, all over each other. It seemed like we had a lot of physical chemistry. I wanted to wait a bit for sex and seemed OK with my decision.

He would literally kiss me all over and people were telling us to get the room. He kept telling me how attracted he is to me and how he felt butterflies every time we touched.

Then the first time we had sex, he was unable to maintain his erection. The next morning, we managed to do it and he ejaculated which was the only time he ever did.

Things got worse and not from the lack of trying. Most evenings, he can't even get an erection no matter what I do and in the mornings, it's on and off and he never even came close to "finishing". Yes he tends to have a few drinks in the evenings but he is still reasonably young and in shape and the alcohol should evaporate by the morning. We tried doggy and different positions but no luck.

The thing is, he told me that he never had this problem before unless he was blind drunk. He assures me that he finds me sexy and is not nervous. I know I am attractive and none of my previous boyfriends had this problem.

What to do? My electric attraction to him is disappearing rapidly each time we fail to do it.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

Has he talked to a doctor?
posted by Nerd of the North at 1:50 AM on January 17, 2017 [4 favorites]

Age? My experience in the mid 40's up is that it's astonishingly normal. I now expect it. I let the guy know it's incredibly common, we can fool around if he wants, or not, but that I'm certain he can give me a good time (no mention of orgasm) whether or not he's hard or he comes. One of my special friends took ages to get used to my lack of surprise or worry, but a year later, he maintains an erection much longer and I suspect that's because I clearly didn't mind whether he did or didn't.
posted by b33j at 2:13 AM on January 17, 2017 [4 favorites]

Oh and because of your experiences together, if you think he's worth it, I seriously recommend you both decide to have multiple sexual experiences together where his erection and orgasm is unnecessary. I would have missed many beautiful memorable sweet moving experiences and deep connections if I required an erection. Blowing a soft penis is much easier on the jaw and can be a loving and accepting experience for a guy. Fingers and tongues can be as effective as a cock.

I can't imagine the pressure I would be under if I had to keep my nipples hard. I mean, mostly they respond to stimulus but when they don't, it's neither my fault not that of the stimulator.
posted by b33j at 2:19 AM on January 17, 2017 [11 favorites]

Is he drinking enough that he is hung over in the morning? If so, that might be affecting his ability to get it up.

If so, could you guys try having an alcohol-free date and see if anything changes?
posted by colfax at 2:20 AM on January 17, 2017 [1 favorite]

If he's young and drinks enough that that's the cause of the problem, I fear this isn't the only disappointment coming. Yes, try to figure out the cause, ask him to see a doctor or avoid alcohol. (If he doesn't want to do either to protect his drinking, or if he just won't stop, dump him and wish him luck.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:13 AM on January 17, 2017 [7 favorites]

Is he on SSRI's (or other medication)? They can cause issues.
posted by threetwentytwo at 3:40 AM on January 17, 2017 [8 favorites]

The thing is, he told me that he never had this problem before unless he was blind drunk

this stuck out at me as the kind of thing people lie about when they don't want alcohol to be the actual problem.

Even if he's not deliberately lying to you (more lying to himself, and thus to you), IME the negative effects of alcohol become more pronounced with fewer drinks the older you get.

But if that's the issue I might still be more concerned about the fact that he views drinks as more important than this other thing that seems to be important to you both.
posted by schadenfrau at 5:52 AM on January 17, 2017 [7 favorites]

What does his doctor say?

Most evenings, he can't even get an erection no matter what I do and in the mornings, it's on and off and he never even came close to "finishing".

Do you? Focus on you only for a while and see what happens. Takes the pressure off him and benefits you. Win-win. (I am assuming that there is as much focus on your pleasure/orgasm as there is on his.)

Yes he tends to have a few drinks in the evenings but he is still reasonably young and in shape and the alcohol should evaporate by the morning.

He should stop having a few drinks in the evenings.
posted by headnsouth at 6:26 AM on January 17, 2017

This can also happen to guys who use a lot of porn and kind of get conditioned to have erections mainly or only when using porn. He may not be willing to discuss this with you and/or might lie about it if he will talk about it, though.
posted by Polychrome at 6:43 AM on January 17, 2017 [7 favorites]

Get some toys and have the focus be on you. Nthng head south - take the pressure off of him for awhile.
posted by gt2 at 6:44 AM on January 17, 2017

Viagra is good, Cialis is better.

I had a doctor give me Viagra samples when I was in my early 40s, I was all "WTF, doc, I don't need this shit." because I didn't, but he gave them to me. He'd give them to me any time I came into his office -- it was pretty weird. But I held onto them.

Then, just for the hell of it, I took half of one of them -- maybe I was 50, not sure. Holy Fucking Shit! Not only did it make Mr. Happy awfully happy -- I could have used my dick for a hammer -- but also it was as like being 16 years old again, the intensity of the orgasm(s) was unreal.

I was sold.

I didn't use the stuff all the time -- didn't need it still -- but more as recreational. I really did have a shitload of samples, and used sparingly, they lasted a long time.

Fast forward. I'm 62. Sometimes I need a lift, if you catch my drift there. And either of those drugs sure works fine. And the intensity of orgasm is still mindbending. This stuff is magic.

Cialis is the better of the two, IME, as Viagra only lasts for XX amount of hours, while Cialis stays with you for days.

The stuff is expensive but he can start with samples from his doc. There is a generic for Viagra -- Sildenafil -- it's the exact same medication but costs tons less. But he'll have to get his doc to write for it -- generally not a problem -- and he'll have to find a pharmacy to fill it, and I've had some balk at filling it, because they want to make the money of Viagra. Total BS but there it is. But he'll find someone to fill it. Use GoodRX.com to find the best price in your area.

Generic Cialis is available also, made in India, sold by mail with no scrip. It's still expensive but *way* less expensive than the Cialis brand. He can also find Viagra mail order with no scrip.

Viagra has more side effects than Cialis; some ppl get these killer headaches.

The bad news? He's going to have to set down drinking to use this stuff. I think. I don't drink so I don't know but I think you're going to not drink to use this stuff. He can ask his doc about that, or ask google.

There's no shame to it. I know many men who use it recreationally, I know some men who need it, I know some men who sometimes need it and sometimes use it recreationally -- I fall into that latter category.

Long answer. Sorry. Mostly wanted to say that there's no shame in it, also to let you know that it provides remarkably intense orgasm -- that will catch his attention.

Could be that he'll be too ashamed to consider this -- too bad. We're expected to have diamond-cutting dicks any time it's called for and fact is that many ppl do, into their 80s, 90s even. But many -- most? -- aren't so lucky. I feel really fortunate to live in a time where this stuff is available. Better living through chemistry!

Last. If he's jacking around with porn all the time he may not have anything left. Porn leaves some ppl desensitized to the point that real-life situations no longer light them up. So there's that, too.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:08 AM on January 17, 2017 [5 favorites]

I think there is a certain amount of inconsistency in typical answers questions like these, where the woman is exhorted to focus on her own physical needs, but her own needs are absolutely not permitted or admitted to include intercourse. His body is his own, his desire is his business, and he shouldn't be pressured, but for many of us with male partners this has nothing to do with wanting to see a badge of our own desirability or whatever. those things are functional as well as decorative, you know? Not caring what activities you carry on in bed just as long as you're both there while they happen is a standard not many people are required to meet, and I'm not sure it's even a worthy ideal.

OP, if you love him and want to keep him forever, take the advice above, but if you're mainly physically attracted to him and want to fuck him, and he cannot do that with you, you can let him go and move on. If he wants to change this, stick with him while he tries all the reasonable alternatives and of course don't blame or insult him or get mad, he's not doing anything wrong or anything to you. I would not ever be comfortable asking someone to take medication for me, although if he comes up with the idea himself it might fix things. but you don't have to keep trying forever if you're not enjoying yourself.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:04 AM on January 17, 2017 [8 favorites]

Definitely Cialis over Viagra. The big V can be very bad for the eyes. I do get some degree of headache from Cialis as I did from Viagra.
posted by SemiSalt at 9:09 AM on January 17, 2017

Research terms are "masturbation death grip." He may have accidentally trained his body to maintain erections and bring himself to climax in this one way. If this is the case, he can practice using his non-dominant hand and a looser grip to re-condition his response.
posted by furtive_jackanapes at 11:57 AM on January 17, 2017

I can understand your frustration. It sounds like intercourse is a big part of the pleasure for you, so oral and fingers can only go so far. This isn’t about you pressuring him (assuming you aren’t doing that); it’s about him not being able to meet your needs at the moment. I can think of a few reasons, most already mentioned above:

- Masturbation – he may have become used to getting aroused in a specific way, physically, and will need to retrain his mind/body.
- Porn – he may have become used to getting aroused in a specific way, mentally, and will need to retrain his mind/body.
- Drinking – it’s easy enough to see if this is the issue by simply cutting it out for awhile.
- Nervousness – he says he isn’t nervous, but the more this happens, the more pressure he’ll feel every time. It’s a vicious cycle.
- A physical condition – he should see a doctor about this. There’s no need to reject modern medicine when it could be an easy (and likely temporary) fix.

No matter what the issue is, you both need good, open communication to overcome it. If he’s interested in this relationship, he should be willing to engage with you and try to address the problem. Has he done anything yet to address it? Has he made any of his own suggestions? Stuff like this can take time to fix and if he’s worth it, you can be patient and supportive. But if you’ve made your desires clear, he should be demonstrating a good faith effort to meet them. If he isn’t, I would rethink the relationship.

I would also suggest checking out reddit.com/r/sex - a very sex positive community .
posted by yawper at 12:19 PM on January 17, 2017

The thing is, he told me that he never had this problem before

Either he is lying or he isn't. Granted he is saving face rather than gaslighting you--but if he is lying, it is not possible for you to fulfill the role of sex therapist, which requires a great deal of trust. You are far too early in the relationship for this role. On both sides. If he is not lying, then you two are not sexually compatible, period. I say, leave before you feel terrible about yourself--only a matter of time, I promise you
Lots of women do not enjoy penetrative sex. You can truly say: it's not you, it's me. Be nice, and save yourself.
posted by uans at 8:25 PM on January 17, 2017

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