Wanted: Broken Jokes!
January 13, 2017 3:40 PM Subscribe
In rereading our dearly departed jbickers' obituary from WFPL, I realized we had something in common: a love of broken jokes. Help me find more!
Excerpt from obit:
I dunno, absurdist humor, dumb humor, whatever it is I want more of it. I didn't know the term 'broken joke' was a thing but my google-fu just leads me to jokes about broken limbs and broken hearts. Fail.
Help my ridiculous sense of humor! Where can I find more?
Excerpt from obit:
"James had a brilliant sense of humor and wit,” Meredith said. “He and I were both fans of broken jokes and would trade them as often as possible. I’m grateful that, Wednesday at the hospital, I was able to throw one back at him, my favorite of the ones he had taught me: Do you know what’s green and has three wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.”I never realized there was a name for these. I've been a fan for as long as I can remember. I distinctly recall my friend Laurie and I in high school regaling everyone we came across with the funniest damn joke we had ever heard: Me: "Ask me if I'm George Washington." Reply: "Are you George Washington?" Me: *deadpan* "No." *cue laughter so intense we were gasping for air*
I dunno, absurdist humor, dumb humor, whatever it is I want more of it. I didn't know the term 'broken joke' was a thing but my google-fu just leads me to jokes about broken limbs and broken hearts. Fail.
Help my ridiculous sense of humor! Where can I find more?
me: say "knock knock"
you: knock knock?
me: who's there?
you: ??? ???
posted by emilyw at 3:50 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
you: knock knock?
me: who's there?
you: ??? ???
posted by emilyw at 3:50 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
Q) What's blue and smells like red paint?
A) Blue paint.
posted by bondcliff at 3:50 PM on January 13, 2017 [12 favorites]
A) Blue paint.
posted by bondcliff at 3:50 PM on January 13, 2017 [12 favorites]
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
(this joke broke all of my self-control circuits the first time I heard it - I laughed for ten minutes straight)
posted by DingoMutt at 3:51 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
"Where's my tractor?"
(this joke broke all of my self-control circuits the first time I heard it - I laughed for ten minutes straight)
posted by DingoMutt at 3:51 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
As a kid, I liked:
"What did the banana say to the dog?"
"Nothing, bananas can't talk!!"
posted by salvia at 3:52 PM on January 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
"What did the banana say to the dog?"
"Nothing, bananas can't talk!!"
posted by salvia at 3:52 PM on January 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
There was an old man from Milan,
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, 'yes, I know.
But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.'
posted by DingoMutt at 3:52 PM on January 13, 2017 [26 favorites]
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, 'yes, I know.
But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.'
posted by DingoMutt at 3:52 PM on January 13, 2017 [26 favorites]
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
And of course the old classic:
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNNNNGGGG
posted by DingoMutt at 3:54 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
A stick
And of course the old classic:
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNNNNGGGG
posted by DingoMutt at 3:54 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
There was an old man from Peru
Whose limericks ended at line two
posted by bondcliff at 3:58 PM on January 13, 2017 [13 favorites]
Whose limericks ended at line two
posted by bondcliff at 3:58 PM on January 13, 2017 [13 favorites]
What's big, white and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A fridge.
posted by escapepod at 4:01 PM on January 13, 2017 [9 favorites]
A fridge.
posted by escapepod at 4:01 PM on January 13, 2017 [9 favorites]
What's that white stuff in bird poop?
That's bird poop too.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:03 PM on January 13, 2017 [12 favorites]
That's bird poop too.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:03 PM on January 13, 2017 [12 favorites]
http://antijokes.net/ is a database of this kind of thing.
posted by murphy slaw at 4:04 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by murphy slaw at 4:04 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh my god. That antijokes database has me rolling in laughter. Jesus christ that is fantastic, thank you forever!
posted by bologna on wry at 4:09 PM on January 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by bologna on wry at 4:09 PM on January 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a tomato.
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.
posted by une_heure_pleine at 4:10 PM on January 13, 2017 [8 favorites]
Because the pilot was a tomato.
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.
posted by une_heure_pleine at 4:10 PM on January 13, 2017 [8 favorites]
Q: "What's the difference between a duck?"
A: "Two legs both the same"
posted by freezer cake at 4:10 PM on January 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
A: "Two legs both the same"
posted by freezer cake at 4:10 PM on January 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
Not sure if it quite counts but I am fond of:
Wanna hear a long joke?
Jooooooooooooooooooke.
posted by ferret branca at 4:13 PM on January 13, 2017 [20 favorites]
Wanna hear a long joke?
Jooooooooooooooooooke.
posted by ferret branca at 4:13 PM on January 13, 2017 [20 favorites]
This works when you actually see birds flying south/north for the winter/spring:
Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?
More birds on that side.
posted by lyssabee at 4:16 PM on January 13, 2017 [33 favorites]
Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?
More birds on that side.
posted by lyssabee at 4:16 PM on January 13, 2017 [33 favorites]
Q: What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
A: "I'm not really Willie Nelson."
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:18 PM on January 13, 2017 [17 favorites]
A: "I'm not really Willie Nelson."
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:18 PM on January 13, 2017 [17 favorites]
Why did the train chew gum? To ease the pain of its freakish anthropomorphic existence.
What do cows do on weekends? Hope not to be butchered for human consumption.
posted by JMOZ at 5:15 PM on January 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
What do cows do on weekends? Hope not to be butchered for human consumption.
posted by JMOZ at 5:15 PM on January 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
I guy walks into a bar. And says "ow, fuck, who put that bar there??" (Or just "ow")
posted by lunasol at 5:37 PM on January 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by lunasol at 5:37 PM on January 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
A rabbi, a priest, and an imam walk into a bar. They have a lovely evening, and plan to keep in touch, and to do it again soon.
(I like that this joke has a happy ending. You can pick any three people who don't automatically get along, so tailor it to your audience. If someone asks why an imam would agree to go to a bar, explain that it was the only thing open late after the interfaith conference and he just had a Coke, not that it's any of your business.)
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:54 PM on January 13, 2017 [15 favorites]
(I like that this joke has a happy ending. You can pick any three people who don't automatically get along, so tailor it to your audience. If someone asks why an imam would agree to go to a bar, explain that it was the only thing open late after the interfaith conference and he just had a Coke, not that it's any of your business.)
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:54 PM on January 13, 2017 [15 favorites]
George R.R. Martin and Joss Whedon walk into a bar. Someone you love dies.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:58 PM on January 13, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:58 PM on January 13, 2017 [11 favorites]
A horse walks into a bar. Before the bartender can ask for its order or comment on its physiognomy, the horse panics, because horses do not belong in bars. Much property damage ensues, and the horse is put down.
posted by Etrigan at 6:35 PM on January 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 6:35 PM on January 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
no no no, the duck joke is:
"What's the difference between a duck?"
"One of its legs are both the same."
posted by corvine at 7:00 PM on January 13, 2017 [9 favorites]
"What's the difference between a duck?"
"One of its legs are both the same."
posted by corvine at 7:00 PM on January 13, 2017 [9 favorites]
Previously (even has a variation on your George Washington joke) and previouslier
posted by John Cohen at 7:01 PM on January 13, 2017
posted by John Cohen at 7:01 PM on January 13, 2017
Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?
More birds on that side.
Oh man, my labmate delivered this one perfectly to a small group of scientists recently as we were watching birds migrate past our window. He wound us up real good expecting a mechanistic explanation, and then just deadpanned "more ducks."
posted by deludingmyself at 7:04 PM on January 13, 2017 [8 favorites]
More birds on that side.
Oh man, my labmate delivered this one perfectly to a small group of scientists recently as we were watching birds migrate past our window. He wound us up real good expecting a mechanistic explanation, and then just deadpanned "more ducks."
posted by deludingmyself at 7:04 PM on January 13, 2017 [8 favorites]
You: What's the difference between a piano, a fish, and a glue stick?
Them: what?
You: you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish
them: ...
them: What about the glue stick?
you: I thought you'd get stuck on that
posted by RustyBrooks at 7:20 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
Them: what?
You: you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish
them: ...
them: What about the glue stick?
you: I thought you'd get stuck on that
posted by RustyBrooks at 7:20 PM on January 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
From Trailer Park Boys:
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
- FUCK OFF. [Proffer dual extended middle fingers to a minimal distance from jokee's face]
More evil:
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
[Lean over, whisper in ear:]
- No one you love, ever again.
posted by quinndexter at 8:10 PM on January 13, 2017
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
- FUCK OFF. [Proffer dual extended middle fingers to a minimal distance from jokee's face]
More evil:
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
[Lean over, whisper in ear:]
- No one you love, ever again.
posted by quinndexter at 8:10 PM on January 13, 2017
What's a ghost's favorite kind of pie?
The same kind it liked when it was a person, before it died.
posted by LionIndex at 8:59 PM on January 13, 2017 [6 favorites]
The same kind it liked when it was a person, before it died.
posted by LionIndex at 8:59 PM on January 13, 2017 [6 favorites]
Has someone already linked to jbickers' broken joke AskMe?
posted by zamboni at 9:37 PM on January 13, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by zamboni at 9:37 PM on January 13, 2017 [7 favorites]
I had a joke book as a kid and thought it was hilarious to mix up the punchlines and tell them in pairs. (The hearer, maybe not as much.)
One pair I remember:
Three men fall out of their boat and sink to the bottom of the lake, but not a single one got wet. Why? (Pause.) Because they were bald!!!! (Laugh at my own "joke," then...)
OK, OK here's another.
Three men run through the rain with no umbrella and nothing to cover their heads, yet none of them get their hair wet. Why not? (Pause.) Because they were all married!
The reaction ranges from confusion to silence to anger to apathy to, sometimes, genuine laughter.
posted by The Deej at 10:43 PM on January 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
One pair I remember:
Three men fall out of their boat and sink to the bottom of the lake, but not a single one got wet. Why? (Pause.) Because they were bald!!!! (Laugh at my own "joke," then...)
OK, OK here's another.
Three men run through the rain with no umbrella and nothing to cover their heads, yet none of them get their hair wet. Why not? (Pause.) Because they were all married!
The reaction ranges from confusion to silence to anger to apathy to, sometimes, genuine laughter.
posted by The Deej at 10:43 PM on January 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
Q: What has purple fur, blue feathers, green scales and really sharp teeth?
A: Nothing
posted by ShooBoo at 11:41 PM on January 13, 2017 [7 favorites]
A: Nothing
posted by ShooBoo at 11:41 PM on January 13, 2017 [7 favorites]
why did the bus crash
the fried egg slid off teh seat
posted by Sebmojo at 2:45 AM on January 14, 2017
the fried egg slid off teh seat
posted by Sebmojo at 2:45 AM on January 14, 2017
How many strings has a twelve string guitar?
Eleven, if one is broken.
posted by hawthorne at 6:37 AM on January 14, 2017
Eleven, if one is broken.
posted by hawthorne at 6:37 AM on January 14, 2017
There was an old man from Peru
Whose limericks ended at line two
Along the same lines is:
There was a young man from Verdun.
And of course the similar limerick about the Emperor Nero.
posted by LizardBreath at 2:56 PM on January 14, 2017 [10 favorites]
Whose limericks ended at line two
Along the same lines is:
There was a young man from Verdun.
And of course the similar limerick about the Emperor Nero.
posted by LizardBreath at 2:56 PM on January 14, 2017 [10 favorites]
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Here come the elephants over the hill!"
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A: Grapes are purple.
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Here come the grapes over the hill." She was color blind!
posted by pecanpies at 5:56 PM on January 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
A: "Here come the elephants over the hill!"
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A: Grapes are purple.
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Here come the grapes over the hill." She was color blind!
posted by pecanpies at 5:56 PM on January 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
Me: What did one doctor say to the other doctor?
You: ?
Me: "We're doctors!!" (mild laughter)
Me: Ok, Ok, I've got another one....
Me: What did one dentist say to the other dentist?
You: "We're dentists"?
Me: Nooooo, "they're doctors!!!" pointing to imaginary "them" and laughing hysterically.
Maybe you had to be there, but that cracked up me and my sisters for years.
posted by CathyG at 10:11 PM on January 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
You: ?
Me: "We're doctors!!" (mild laughter)
Me: Ok, Ok, I've got another one....
Me: What did one dentist say to the other dentist?
You: "We're dentists"?
Me: Nooooo, "they're doctors!!!" pointing to imaginary "them" and laughing hysterically.
Maybe you had to be there, but that cracked up me and my sisters for years.
posted by CathyG at 10:11 PM on January 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
A priest, a rabbi and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by raider at 9:31 AM on January 15, 2017
Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by raider at 9:31 AM on January 15, 2017
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Philosophical Owl."
"Philosophical Owl who?"
"Indeed." 🤔
posted by speicus at 1:22 PM on January 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
"Who's there?"
"Philosophical Owl."
"Philosophical Owl who?"
"Indeed." 🤔
posted by speicus at 1:22 PM on January 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Greeting a friend: "Hey, man. You know who was asking about you today?"
Friend: "No, who?"
(deadpan) "Nobody."
posted by emelenjr at 3:08 PM on January 15, 2017
Friend: "No, who?"
(deadpan) "Nobody."
posted by emelenjr at 3:08 PM on January 15, 2017
How is a chicken like a plum?
They're both purple, except for the chicken!
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:10 PM on January 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
They're both purple, except for the chicken!
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:10 PM on January 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
And the follow-up:
What's foot-long and slippery?
A slipper.
posted by Jonathan Harford at 5:35 PM on January 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
A stick.
And the follow-up:
What's foot-long and slippery?
A slipper.
posted by Jonathan Harford at 5:35 PM on January 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
"You know what's funny?"
"What?"
"A joke."
It's worth noting that the well-known "Why did the chicken cross the road?" joke is of this variety.
I once obtained an inexplicable can of Sterno that rode around in the back of my car for a while while I tried to figure out what I should do with it. I tried giving it to a friend, but he had no more use for Sterno than I. However it became a thing, for a while, for me to come up with dumber ways to get him to take it. The timing is for them is important. Do one a day for about a week, then wait a couple of months for the next one.
Me: "I got the perfect birthday gift for you! Here's a hint. It begins with Stuh, and ends with Erno."
Me: "Here, to keep around for car emergencies."
Him: "How would that help?"
Me: "I dunno, I know nothing about cars."
Him: "I've got to go to the grocery store to get some sandwich stuff."
Me: "You know what I hear is good on sandwiches? Hold on, I've got some in the back seat."
Me: "I found you a present. It's not Sterno! (BTW, it's Sterno.)"
Me: "I got you this can of coffee grounds."
Him: "That's not coffee, that's that damn Sterno."
Me: "I didn't say it was good coffee."
posted by JHarris at 3:29 AM on January 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
"What?"
"A joke."
It's worth noting that the well-known "Why did the chicken cross the road?" joke is of this variety.
I once obtained an inexplicable can of Sterno that rode around in the back of my car for a while while I tried to figure out what I should do with it. I tried giving it to a friend, but he had no more use for Sterno than I. However it became a thing, for a while, for me to come up with dumber ways to get him to take it. The timing is for them is important. Do one a day for about a week, then wait a couple of months for the next one.
Me: "I got the perfect birthday gift for you! Here's a hint. It begins with Stuh, and ends with Erno."
Me: "Here, to keep around for car emergencies."
Him: "How would that help?"
Me: "I dunno, I know nothing about cars."
Him: "I've got to go to the grocery store to get some sandwich stuff."
Me: "You know what I hear is good on sandwiches? Hold on, I've got some in the back seat."
Me: "I found you a present. It's not Sterno! (BTW, it's Sterno.)"
Me: "I got you this can of coffee grounds."
Him: "That's not coffee, that's that damn Sterno."
Me: "I didn't say it was good coffee."
posted by JHarris at 3:29 AM on January 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
You know how when you see a V of geese flying overhead, one side is always longer than the other? Know why that is?
No. Why?
More geese on that side.
This will cause even my curmudgeonly father to cackle.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:24 AM on January 17, 2017
No. Why?
More geese on that side.
This will cause even my curmudgeonly father to cackle.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:24 AM on January 17, 2017
What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
posted by Orlop at 8:02 PM on January 17, 2017
A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
posted by Orlop at 8:02 PM on January 17, 2017
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(I once told this at a work dinner. There was a terrible silence and then a roar of laughter.)
Al Jaffee used to illustrate MAD magazine spreads of jokes without punchlines. One that I remember: "My hometown was so small, the hooker wore a helmet!"
posted by Countess Elena at 3:47 PM on January 13, 2017 [8 favorites]