Into the garbage chute, flyboy!
January 5, 2017 12:31 PM   Subscribe

Give me your favorite PG insults from movies and TV, please!

I've gotten a lot of mileage out of the Buzz Lightyear "and you have my pity" line over the years, Star Wars has a bunch of good ones like the above (and scruffy looking nerf herder, of course), and while watching Mighty Ducks this past weekend I was reminded how versatile the term "cake eater" is.

There are plenty of internet lists of movie insults, but they're heavy on the "you're an inanimate fucking object" sorta thing, and I'm in search of taunts appropriate for a wider audience. Even better if they come mefite-approved.

Please and thank you, everyone! All of your mothers are hamsters.
posted by phunniemee to Grab Bag (55 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
"Keep the change, ya filthy animal."
posted by kevinbelt at 12:43 PM on January 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Did you ever see the Gene Wilder Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?

Because ALLL THE TIIIIME especially when talking to myself, I say in Grandpa Joe's voice, "Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit."
posted by theatro at 12:45 PM on January 5, 2017 [4 favorites]

"Into the mud, Scum Queen!"
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:46 PM on January 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: This isn't exactly an insult but you need it anyway. This was cut from an email sent to me by a dear friend less than an hour ago.

To be used only when an argument gets out of hand, when loud, rapid-fire, emotional exchanges roll on and on, when blood pressure is rising, when arms are waving, when saliva is spraying out of your mouth, and when you realize you really have nothing else to say: TELL ME FOR A FACT THAT YOU KNOW AN EXORCISM WOULDN'T DO ANY GOOD. I think I said that first in like 1985 and have not used it since, but it's in my quote book.

The same friend lives in LA and occasionally is forced to walk through traffic obstacles caused by $c!ent0logists. He doesn't usually directly confront them, but when he does, he usually calls them "Moonies" and that REALLY bugs them.
posted by janey47 at 12:53 PM on January 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

Sorry, should have noted that his exorcism demand is actually from The Exorcist, as is:

* I tell you that thing upstairs is not my daughter. - Ellen Burstyn in the Exorcist
posted by janey47 at 1:00 PM on January 5, 2017

Best answer: You're killing me, Smalls!
posted by epj at 1:01 PM on January 5, 2017 [8 favorites]

Best answer: "I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
posted by JohnFromGR at 1:01 PM on January 5, 2017 [18 favorites]

"So's your face!"
"That doesn't even make any sense."
"So's your face!"
- Scrubs

(often shortened to just "So's your face!" at my house)

Also, the gesture from Friends.
posted by jillithd at 1:05 PM on January 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

My non sweary ex called everything Commie!! It was a hoot, especially after The Cold War ended.

I like the line in The Messenger about "May God forgive you -- because I never will." It is an awesome line.
posted by Michele in California at 1:11 PM on January 5, 2017

Best answer: The Better Off Ted episode "The Impertence of Communicationizing" (S2, E08) involves company-mandated swearing. As such, it has a huge number of entertaining PG insults. Unfortunately, it's not freely available online, but last I checked you could stream it on Netflix.

(There's also an outake reel from this episode, which is most assuredly not PG and is pretty NSFW to boot.)
posted by Johnny Assay at 1:13 PM on January 5, 2017 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberry.
posted by bondcliff at 1:18 PM on January 5, 2017 [8 favorites]

Best answer: Also, some friends and I pull out the classic Seinfeld line "well the jerk store called and they're out of YOU" on occasion. It's even funnier in places where it doesn't really make sense.
posted by bondcliff at 1:21 PM on January 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

From The Sweet Smell of Success, when doubtful of something:

That's fish four days old... I won't buy it!
posted by amicamentis at 1:30 PM on January 5, 2017

"I close the iron door on you!"

John Barrymore to Carole Lombard, Twentieth Century (1934)
posted by BostonTerrier at 1:48 PM on January 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It's from the game Skyrim rather than TV or movies, but I'm partial to "milk drinker!"
posted by Occula at 1:53 PM on January 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: "Maybe the dingo ate your baby!"
posted by SisterHavana at 2:06 PM on January 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Not exactly from movies/TV although I'm sure there's some film of it somewhere, but when I was in Henry IV Part One, my favorite lines were when folks were referred to as "chuffs" and "fat bacons."
posted by fairlynearlyready at 2:07 PM on January 5, 2017

Best answer: It only really makes sense in the context of the movie, but I really liked in the movie Superstar when Molly Shannon's character Mary Katherine says to her nemesis Evian "Go drink a bottle of yourself!" It's silly and really only makes sense based on the character's name, but the silliness/nonsensical nature makes it work for me.
posted by friendlyjuan at 2:19 PM on January 5, 2017

Fool of a Took! - Lord of the Rings

Primitive screw-head - Army of Darkness

Negative. I am a meat popsicle. (As a sarcastic reply to any question that starts with "Are you...?") - Fifth Element
posted by Boxenmacher at 2:20 PM on January 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

"Laugh-a while you can, monkeyboy!"
posted by jessamyn at 2:43 PM on January 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

Best answer: "Straight to video, that's what you are!"

- literally the only thing I remember from Cecil B. DeMented
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:52 PM on January 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

You sack of wine! - the only good thing I remember from Troy and spat out by a woefully miscast Brad Pitt.
posted by kariebookish at 2:56 PM on January 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: "you warthog-faced buffoon." (Lots of other good ones from The Princess Bride too.)
posted by lakeroon at 3:08 PM on January 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

One of the great talents for uttering child-safe expletives was of course Colonel Sherman T. Potter, US Army, MASH 4077.

Quite a lot of them are substitutes for "Bullshit!" Personnaly, I'm partial to "Buffalo bagels!" but "Horse hockey!" is a contender.
posted by Sunburnt at 3:10 PM on January 5, 2017 [4 favorites]

"My straw reaches across the room...! and starts to drink your milkshake...! I *drink* your milkshake...!" [slurps] "I drink it up!!!"
posted by a good beginning at 3:18 PM on January 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've worn dresses with higher IQ's - A Fish Called Wanda

"You're gonna end up living in a VAN down by the RIVER!" - Matt Foley (Chris Farley) on SNL

"What a maroon" - Bugs Bunny

"Fargin' Bastages" (Johnny Dangerously)
posted by Mchelly at 3:29 PM on January 5, 2017 [7 favorites]

Best answer: "You're dumber than a box of hair."

From the terrible movie Trapped In Paradise. I use that one all the time.
posted by tacodave at 3:41 PM on January 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Cotton-headed ninny muggins!
posted by kitcat at 3:48 PM on January 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: You have to leave off the bit about sucking his fat one, but "you cheap dime store hood" is always nice.
posted by Beardman at 5:22 PM on January 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

From the classic showdown in Hook, I thought "Boil-dripping, beef-fart-sniffing, bubble-butt" had a particularly nice ring to it, but the whole scene's a treasure trove.
posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 5:27 PM on January 5, 2017

From an oddly subtitled version of Yojimbo many years ago:

"Shave your head and make brother your boss, you monkey brewer!"

Who doesn't know someone they want to call a monkey brewer?
posted by N-stoff at 5:31 PM on January 5, 2017

"Silence you fool(s)!" pops into my head fairly often, and I'm sure it's from a movie (or several) but damned if I remember. (Possibly followed by "'Twas I!") Anyway, a nicely PG "Shut the fuck up, dumbass!"
posted by catatethebird at 6:06 PM on January 5, 2017

"Loving your work, cowboy." When someone's work is... not so great. (Man From U.N.C.L.E.)
posted by evilmomlady at 6:44 PM on January 5, 2017

Best answer: "You bloated sack of protoplasm"--Ren Hoek
posted by stevis23 at 6:49 PM on January 5, 2017

i don't mean to criticize, because you're an innovator.
posted by jadepearl at 7:35 PM on January 5, 2017

"You daring lousy guy"
posted by dizziest at 7:52 PM on January 5, 2017

melon-farming sock plucker
posted by clavicle at 8:50 PM on January 5, 2017

Best answer: Take your pick from this absolute belter of a letter by Robert Burns, responding to a bad review.
Ellisland, 1791.

Dear Sir:

Thou eunuch of language; thou Englishman, who never was south the Tweed; thou servile echo of fashionable barbarisms; thou quack, vending the nostrums of empirical elocution; thou marriage-maker between vowels and consonants, on the Gretna-green of caprice; thou cobler, botching the flimsy socks of bombast oratory; thou blacksmith, hammering the rivets of absurdity; thou butcher, embruing thy hands in the bowels of orthography; thou arch-heretic in pronunciation; thou pitch-pipe of affected emphasis; thou carpenter, mortising the awkward joints of jarring sentences; thou squeaking dissonance of cadence; thou pimp of gender; thou Lyon Herald to silly etymology; thou antipode of grammar; thou executioner of construction; thou brood of the speech-distracting builders of the Tower of Babel; thou lingual confusion worse confounded; thou scape-gallows from the land of syntax; thou scavenger of mood and tense; thou murderous accoucheur of infant learning; thou ignis fatuus, misleading the steps of benighted ignorance; thou pickle-herring in the puppet-show of nonsense; thou faithful recorder of barbarous idiom; thou persecutor of syllabication; thou baleful meteor, foretelling and facilitating the rapid approach of Nox and Erebus.

I'm also partial to calling people 'whey-faced poltroons'.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:58 AM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]

"20 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag." - Eliot (Leverage)

Red dwarf is full of these:

The human equivalent of a visible panty-line - Cat
Miss Yo-Yo Knickers - Lister to Ms. Lister
Dinosaur breath. Molecule mind. Smeg-for-brains. - Kryten
I compared your mother to a foolish aged blubbery fish! I said she was simple-minded scaly old piscine! I intimated that she was an ugly lungless marine animal with galloping senility! A putrid amphibious gill-breather with less brains than a mollusc! - Kryten
You could go double-dating with the Elephant Man and he would be the looker! - Cat
[Lister is mocking a hologram who has just insulted the crew]

Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf, we have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin, absent presumed missing. Genitalia, small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest whatsoever.

Commander Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human displays knowledge of satire and imitation. With patient tuition, could perhaps master simple tasks.

Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummeling, could be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.

Commander Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. The human seems to be under the delusion that he is somehow capable of bestowing physical violence to a hologram.

Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems blissfully unaware that we have a fairly sturdy holowhip in the Munitions cabinet.

[Binks looks scared]

Lister: And unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better become history in the next two seconds flat.
You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse. - Lister to Rimmer

Mchelly: ""What a maroon" - Bugs Bunny"

I use this all the time and nobody gets it.
posted by Mitheral at 5:23 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: From Aliens:

Hudson: Hey, Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez: No. Have you?

(I know that whole movie by heart.)
posted by tully_monster at 5:27 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

The idea took form quickly; the first appearance of the Haddockian argot occurred in The Crab with the Golden Claws when the Captain storms towards a party of Berber raiders yelling expressions like "jellyfish", "troglodyte" and "ectoplasm". This use of colourful insults proved successful and was a mainstay in future books. Consequently, Hergé actively started collecting these types of words for use in Haddock's outbursts, and on occasion even searched dictionaries to come up with inspiration.

As a result, Captain Haddock's colourful insults began to include "bashi-bazouk", "visigoths", "kleptomaniac", "sea gherkin", "anacoluthon", "pockmark", "nincompoop", "abominable snowman", "nitwits", "scoundrels", "steam rollers", "parasites", "vegetarians", "floundering oath", "carpet seller", "blundering Bazookas", "Popinjay", "bragger", "pinheads", "miserable slugs", "ectomorph", "maniacs", "pickled herring"; "freshwater swabs", "miserable molecule of mildew", "Logarithm", "bandits", "orang-outangs", "cercopithecuses", "Polynesians", "iconoclasts", "ruffians", "fancy-dress freebooter", "ignoramus", "sycophant", "pickled-herring", "dizzard", "black-beetle", "pyrographer", "nitwit", "scoundrel", "anacoluthon", "slave-trader" and "Fuzzy Wuzzy", but again, nothing actually considered a swear word.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:43 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

I use this all the time and nobody gets it.

Ditto. But I ain't stopping.
posted by Mchelly at 7:23 AM on January 6, 2017

Best answer: This might be pushing into PG-13 territory, but I've always loved "You're a virgin who can't drive."
posted by lindseyg at 7:32 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: These are great!

I'd also like to add, for posterity...I'm not sure I agree with you 100% on your police work there, Lou.
posted by phunniemee at 8:33 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]

Sounds like a job for Blackadder:

"Believe me, Baldrick, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil."

"Arrow fodder."

"Just a wild stab in the dark which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."

and something my parents say to us frequently (with love): "Wicked child!"
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 8:45 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

Oh, we also had a couple of great insults when I was in the reserves.

"Oxygen thief" - someone who's stealing air that could be used by someone who isn't a total goon.

"Waste of rations" - as above
posted by Happy Dave at 9:34 AM on January 6, 2017


"Hipster doofus."

"Serenity now!"

"We're trying to have a civilization here." Which is closely related to, "You know, we're living in a SOCIETY!"

Referring to someone as "Biff Loman."

And, of course, "These pretzels are making me thirsty," said with odd emphasis.
posted by cmoj at 9:51 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

"No puppet! You're the puppet!" (Celebrity Apprentice)
posted by Clambone at 11:26 AM on January 6, 2017

RuPaul's Drag Race has some good ones:

"Oh no she better don't!"
"This is not RuPaul's Best Friend Race!"
"Now sashay away!"

And another one from Seinfeld:
"You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!"

And from 9 to 5:
posted by SisterHavana at 12:34 PM on January 6, 2017

From the MST3K episode "Parts: The Clonus Horror" (my namesake), in which several of the characters are clones:

Were you cloned from a sack of doorknobs??
posted by TheClonusHorror at 5:31 PM on January 6, 2017

The quote from "Female Trouble" I was going to suggest is a tad risque. But everyone knows it. It's a quote from Taffy and she's speaking to Gator telling him she wouldn't do something even if it saved her from asphyxiation. I use it all the time, esp when I'm bar tending.
posted by james33 at 8:42 AM on January 7, 2017

Best answer: "Statistics show there are more women in the world than anything else...except insects "
posted by exceptinsects at 10:30 PM on January 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Reading American Prometheus, a biography of Robert Oppenheimer, I just learned that a friend of his would occasionally say disparagingly of other scholars "so young, and already so unknown! "
posted by janey47 at 8:06 PM on January 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

« Older Could non-job related reasons cause ruining...   |   How do I explain this to my boss? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.