It's not you, it's me (I guess?)

December 23, 2016 8:45 AM

How would you game OKC's quizzes to generate matches in a specific direction?

I've not yet used it to actually date (because honestly, the idea of shopping for a person still icks me out, and the process seems exhausting and less efficient than just talking to people you like the look/smell of IRL. Importantly - I think there's a good chance of missing good people). But I might use it, because I've been in more than out and that's likely to continue.

So I answered plenty of questions, and the matches concern me. I've gotten 95-98% matches with three people in my acquaintance who I would be running from IRL, as dates.

I like them well enough at parties, for short periods. There's banter, ok, which is fun to a point. Then there's a time at which I need to leave them because there is no air left in the room, and I am worked up and profoundly irritated by them. These are all flashy, charming, slightly self-obsessed, slightly obnoxious, very intense people who "love to argue" and won't let up until either they've "won" or I get a headache. Combative, or at least competitive. That mano a gyno power struggle is a familiar dynamic to me, absolute last thing I need or want; I (now) consider that collection of traits/behaviours a fleet of red flags, it's the opposite of the sort of person I am now looking for. (Gentle, easygoing, funny in a chill way, stable...)

I know that unlike some dating sites, OKC's algorithm makes no assumptions about what a good match might be, it's just matching you to people based on criteria you're telling it to use. I guess I loaded it up with extreme answers to political questions (NO to guns, etc), for myself. I even recognized at the time that requiring the same might yield overly intense and opinionated types, and modified those answers - still got those three :/

I know I can ignore the match % and just date whoever, but my question is, how can I answer the quiz questions to get matches closer to what I'm looking for, without making criteria meaningless and overly broad, which I gather would happen if I answered straight down the middle for everything, for the other person's desired responses. (How would an easygoing, funny, caring, non-combative non-egoist answer?)

I'm not sure what those results say about me... am I the person I don't want to date? I mean I have strong opinions on certain things, but actually discussing them in any depth at this point is something I've become allergic to. People have spontaneously told me I'm "down to earth" and that they feel "relaxed" and "comfortable" around me. I did grow up with bombastic debate as entertainment [Eastern European background], but I tend to stay away from Big Discussions because I find them exhausting, I'm so over it.

posted by cotton dress sock to Human Relations (12 answers total)

IME OKC "top matches" who I knew IRL were people so like me (or raised so like me) that I saw them as either not sexy at *all* or somehow that thing where 95% yes plus 5% no = DEAR GOD NO. That 5% can be important. The people I knew IRL who I really wanted to date (and the people I wound up dating via OKC and liking well enough to see more than once) were in the 70-85% "sweet spot" (I spoke with others who felt similarly, so I'm willing to wager that it isn't just me, or them, or you).

I hope this helps. And genuinely - while I couldn't date myself, I would date someone *quite* like me. With 15-30% not-me.

And in case this helps too: I am now married to someone who also did the OKC thing but who I met through friends. Life, it's funny.

Go get 'em.
posted by pammeke at 8:52 AM on December 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

You can do that by looking at how those annoying people answered their questions, and answering differently (or marking their answers as unacceptable)... but the problem is you'd probably be lying, as well as needlessly screening people out.

I'd really strongly suggest ignoring the match % altogether, and just looking at the answers for questions you really care about - and even there, keep an open mind. My top 2 worst dates ever from OKC were high 90s matches, and so were some good dates. My current boyfriend was like a 60% match on OKC (we didn't meet on there, and truthfully based on his terribly unflattering photos and questions, I would not have gone out with him...but we're going strong at 2 years now). He had VERY worrying answers to a few questions that as it turns out were totally fine after all (for example, he thought men should be head of household, which I'd marked as mandatory no obviously, but he's probably the most feminist-in-reality boyfriend I've had and we have a very equal relationship... just has some weird hangups about admitting it to himself, I guess?). So moral of the story, (some?) people are bad at answering those questions...
posted by randomnity at 9:01 AM on December 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

I don't think it's bad for results that you've demarcated moral/ethical stances - maybe scale back the "Very" important to "Pretty" important if you want to start testing it in some way? :) but, frankly, logic says to me that 'your people' will probably respond very near to where you respond, and you wouldn't want to discount their answers, in trying to cast too small a net.

I'm one of the ones that goes through the things that that my matches and I actively disagree upon. I've found it to be elucidating at least some of the time. YMMV, as I've found I can be a little finicky and end up discounting somebody on what might not normally be a dealbreaker, but often I weed through and find what I don't like about them couched within their responses. I turn on my anonymous - have a look, hide them in my results if need be - and anonymous goes back off. Like, sometimes they'll say stuff in their comment-reactions that just squicks me a little bit the wrong way, and I can just know.

I'll also make reads on character by their "'more compassionate' than most," etc., badges at the bottom of their profiles, and look more for my preferred characteristics there. Also, nthing to take 'Match Value' down an order of quantitative significance. I have to remind myself sometimes, as it's a pretty nice ego-boost to see that someone who looks so nice in theory matches seemingly so well with you, but I've found that it can just add and lead to some unnecessary tummy-butterfly expectations.
posted by a good beginning at 9:15 AM on December 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Something I've realized is that marking certain "basic" things as "very important" can actually work against you/give you less granularity. Like, for me, a queer woman, everyone I am realistically going to meet up with (and probably anyone whose profile even looks decent to me) is going to say that they think it's acceptable for same-sex couples to have kids, or that they are liberal rather than conservative. But marking that "very important" then weights that question higher, and then the collection of other more specific things that are important to me and that I would not take for granted in most people I meet socially don't get weighted as much in match percentages.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:24 AM on December 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I answer mostly match questions that are about political and cultural beliefs because I feel like that's the only thing the algorithm is effective at doing: selecting for people who are in the same general educational level as you, maybe have similar ambitions, are in a relatively similar life stage and have similar political beliefs. I avoid questions like "do you love to argue" because multiple-choice questions are not going to tell you anything meaningful about personality compatibility and chemistry. You just have to go on dates to see if you gel with people in real life.

For example, OkC told me I'm a 98% match with my roommate, who is very similar to me demographically and in education level, life stage and political beliefs. However, I find him very grating and we have no chemistry romantically. That's not something a questionnaire can tell you. It's not a fault of the algorithm, just a natural limit of it. Go out on lots of dates and eventually, you'll meet someone you have physical/personality compatibility with. The quizzes and questions are just a culling mechanism, in my mind, so you don't end up with people who have beliefs or a life perspective that are the absolute opposite of you. If you look at the questions from that lens, I think they are pretty effective. I have yet to date any men through OkC who think feminism is a cancer or are overtly racist/homophobic but whether or not I find them attractive in person is completely arbitrary.
posted by armadillo1224 at 9:24 AM on December 23, 2016 [9 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks so much, everyone! I'll look at other aspects of their profiles, including badges, and their answers to specific questions; will reduce reliance on the algorithm altogether (and look more at the 75-80% range matches). Will also reduce the weighting of questions I've set as super important, for the person's desired response. But!

So moral of the story, (some?) people are bad at answering those questions...

Maybe I'm terrible at answering these questions? Maybe they've specified that they want to meet people with extreme and heavily weighted responses to political questions? Maybe endorsing extreme responses and heavily weighting them indicates some latent personality factor on its own, regardless of the question (like difficulty prioritizing things? Or restraint/emotional regulation/executive function stuff?...) I could drop the importance of a few things, but as has been pointed out, I don't think I'd want to be with anyone who had a diametrically opposed view of human nature. I really could *not* date someone who was ok with guns in the home (or whatever else). (I could swear I'm not that intense as far as day to day stuff, or actually relating to people, though...)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:59 PM on December 23, 2016

Best answer: Your question reminds me of this: article on 'hacking okc' was discussed previously on metafilter I think but I am on my phone- sorry.

While we didn't meet online, my fiancé amd I didn't hit it off immediately, and still have different opinions on some things, but it works. Keep going, good luck!
posted by freethefeet at 1:36 PM on December 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I've taken to deliberately getting some of the "intelligence"-oriented questions on OkC — the math/logic puzzles, the spelling questions, etc — wrong. The goal is to reduce my match percentage with people who mark those questions as very important.

Before I started doing this, I was getting a lot of men (and some women) who were in the "love to argue" camp. Now, I still get matches who are clever, creative, and interested in ideas and the world, but I get a lot fewer who treat a conversation as something that has a winner and a loser.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:39 PM on December 23, 2016 [11 favorites]

Yes, don't just look at the high percentage matches. The love of my life didn't match me at all, and she only bumped into me by relaxing a load of settings (not on OKC but same idea) and seeing what came up, then contacting me. We have significantly different views on politics, religion, and many other things (although not as dramatic as the difference between extreme R and D in the US, we can see each other's points). But these are small beer in the scheme of things. I agree that obviously neither of us would date someone who thought that guns in the home was a thing, but then that's unlikely as we're neither of us from the US again.
posted by tillsbury at 10:39 PM on December 23, 2016

I see where you're coming from but I'd encourage you to take a step back. You're not shopping for a partner. It's not a database with one person hidden in there that you have to crack some code to find them.

I'd suggest checking out the special blend suggestion list. Those people are calculated based on algorithms that take more into account than match percentage. I think things like engagement with profiles similar to yours and general response activity. Contact people whos faces you like that sound interesting based on what they write. Plan on meeting a lot of people, and approach it with humor and enthusiasm. You won't like everyone and everyone won't like you. But you won't know til you're face to face.

I met my current boyfriend on there and we were something like a low 80s match. I've never met anyone I've hit it off so well with... So that's how the match percents play out IRL.
posted by KMoney at 11:31 AM on December 24, 2016

My ex and I were a case of "opposites attract." I still tend to like men that are a lot like him.

I tend to be highly emotional. This is not a trait I want in a man. I like men who are stable and grounded and serve as an emotional anchor for me. There are plenty of quiet people who think I am too much and they will run the other way. There are also those who will sit there and quietly soak it all in and say things to me like "I like listening to you talk" (instead of complaining they can't get a word in edgewise).

My point is that if OKC basically matches like to like, this may be where you have a problem, and not because you did something wrong. You can think of it as being like some people want a same sex partner and some want an opposite sex partner. Neither preference is wrong. It is just who you are. But if the default setting matches you to a same sex partner and that isn't your thing, then you might start wondering what that says about you when it doesn't actually say anything at all about you.

It can be tricky to communicate that "I am X but I am not specifically looking for other people who are also X." I find that it is important to communicate both so that people can decide if you are potentially thier cup of tea while also guaging if you might be receptive to them.

It helps to be aware of the need to make the distinction. I am much more comfortable these days with the process of communicating a) who I am and b) what I need as very distinct things.

I can be highly emotive to the point of being histrionic. I don't want a histrionic bf. From experience, this goes really bad places. I generally do better with conservative men who see me as an opportunity to pull them out from behind their castle walls and stop feeling so isolationist while being appreciated for their conservative nature instead of criticized for it.

I am hearing you say "maybe I am the bad date that I wouldn't date" and I am trying to tell you that not wanting to date someone like yourself in certain respects does not have to be framed at all negatively. There is no obligation whatsoever to be attracted to people "like" you in every respect. "Opposites attract" is a thing that can work perfectly well. But it does seem to require extra care in communicating to effectively signal to potential partners.
posted by Michele in California at 11:31 AM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

You are way overthinking it.

It is a number based on what is essentially an online quiz. Use it to weed out people who are obviously awful. (Example: you think it's okay to grope random girls in a crowd? EEP, okay, BYE!) It can help flag people who you MAY click with, but that's it.

Read people's profiles. Message the folks who seem interesting. You'll kiss a lot of frogs but that's how it goes. You may meet someone that you really click with - I did. Or you may not, and that's okay too. It's just a casual way of talking to and meeting new people.
posted by Amy93 at 7:15 PM on December 25, 2016