Dirty talk question
December 9, 2016 7:42 AM   Subscribe

When you engage in dirty talk, how do you refer to lady parts?

I'm not very experienced with dirty talk, but I want to get better. My issue is that I don't really have a good word for referring to female genitalia.

The most obvious porny word is "pussy" but that word has been tainted for me a bit (can't help but mentally prepend "grab them by the"). All the other words I can think of feel wrong for a bedroom context. Vagina or vulva feel clinical. Cunt feels like an insult. And the other terms I can think of feel either too silly or childish.

Best I've got so far is to get more specific (referring to the "lips" or the clit) or to avoid the noun entirely ("I want to be inside you" or some such)

So I'm curious, for those of you who get turned on by dirty talk, what words you like to use/hear?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

Personally, pussy or cunt. Best practice is to ask the bearer of the parts what they prefer.
posted by corvine at 7:57 AM on December 9, 2016 [5 favorites]

Pussy or cunt. Reclaim the pussy! Don't let the Abuser-in-Chief grab a perfectly good word.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:59 AM on December 9, 2016 [19 favorites]

This is going to vary so much from woman to woman and situation to situation that I cannot in good conscience suggest any one-size-fits-all terminology. Some of us are vehemently opposed to pussy and passionately pro-cunt, others vice versa, others still don't really care either way. Just speaking for myself, if a dude referred to my vulva as "lips," that would be jarringly weird to me, and while I think yoni is mellifluous and lovely, many other women think it's embarrassing and/or hilarious.

It can be incredibly hot to have conversations about this kind of thing with partners new and old, so that is what I must recommend. To each their own, sexily!
posted by amnesia and magnets at 8:00 AM on December 9, 2016 [5 favorites]

[One comment removed; let's really really not go in a "but definitely don't use [hilariously bad phrase]" direction with this.]
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:06 AM on December 9, 2016

Most of my partners have preferred cunt or pussy or both. When we used cunt, there was enjoyment of subverting the negative connotations the word has taken on and turning it into something great. But some people have valid strong reactions against it, so it's not one to break out in the middle of action unless you're willing to risk things coming to a screeching halt.

One liked slit thrown into the mix. One liked panocha.
posted by Candleman at 8:24 AM on December 9, 2016

When we used cunt, there was enjoyment of subverting the negative connotations the word has taken on and turning it into something great.

Yeah, personally I hate that word but I use it in bed to refer to myself. Puts a little zing in it. Obviously ask the lady-parts-haver first!
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:35 AM on December 9, 2016

cunt all the way!
posted by terretu at 8:42 AM on December 9, 2016 [4 favorites]

Agree that the owner of the parts chooses what to call them. Always sexier to discuss a partner's preferences in bed... or elsewhere.

A few sex academics I follow on Twitter (@WhoresOfYore comes to mind) are trying to reclaim cunt, and prefer it over vagina as that term comes from sheaf, therefore connecting it to its role as a place for a penis. WhoresOfYore is British though. On this side of the pond it still has baggage so YMMV.
posted by terrapin at 8:45 AM on December 9, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'm a stripper, so dirty talk is part of the job. I have not found an easy answer to your question.

I avoid using a specific word. I agree with your assessment of the standbys: pussy is porn-y, vagina/vulva feels like clinical, the c-word is insulting, and everything else feels silly.

Also, I feel like referring specifically to the vagina is weird. It does something unnatural to the sentence structure, if that makes sense. "I want you inside me" feels less like a scripted porno than "I want you inside my [vagina word]."

You should ask your partner(s) because many people of all genders dislike certain words. (If you use the c-word to me, I will end the lap dance in a blunt and uncomfortable manner, but some women do like that word for dirty talk.) So if you're going to go there with the c-word, or even "pussy" if you're not paying a sex worker, I think you need to be comfortable enough to have a conversation about preferred words. In the context of my job, with my customers who aren't longtime regulars, it's easier to dodge the issue than to pause the fantasy and have a conversation about vernacular.

Anecdata: Most customers (both male and female) don't use specific words, but for those who do, they almost always use the word "pussy."

I have a hard time not laughing when they use that word, because it does sound like such a cliche of porn. It's like breaking the fourth wall. But if you absolutely do need to use a word, and "clit" doesn't work, I think using the word "pussy" is probably the way to go.

tl;dr: Avoid or ask.

(For what it's worth, a few of my coworkers and I decided in the dressing room to refer to our vaginas as our "cupcakes." To the tune of Kelis' "Milkshake": "My cupcake brings all the boys to the stage / They're like, 'She's gonna get paid' / Damn right, I'm gonna get paid.")
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 8:51 AM on December 9, 2016 [35 favorites]

• pie
• flower
• downtown dining and entertainment district
posted by porn in the woods at 9:10 AM on December 9, 2016 [15 favorites]

game the system. get them to refer to their own lady parts first, and use the words they use
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:17 AM on December 9, 2016 [5 favorites]

Echoing that this is entirely partner-specific or your own personal preference (depending on who owns the equipment).

As you've seen here, answers can range from "flower" to phrases that would be completely beyond the pale outside the bedroom to, as my partner and I sometimes enjoy, comically awful as in Patton Oswalt's Clean Filth (nswf).
posted by cmoj at 9:35 AM on December 9, 2016

This is a super personal issue, to the point that the preferred sexytime words for genitalia (for both sexes) have been different in every relationship I've ever been in. I think this is a good question to get some new ideas, but yeah the real person you want to have this brainstorming session with is your specific partner.
posted by Sara C. at 9:49 AM on December 9, 2016

Pussy for acquaintances. Pussy or cunt for good friends. That's the Miss Manners rule, isn't it?
posted by benadryl at 10:07 AM on December 9, 2016 [8 favorites]

posted by lathrop at 10:35 AM on December 9, 2016

Dirty talk is dirty, that's the point. Cunt and pussy are it. I assume you are talking about sexytimes.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:05 PM on December 9, 2016

I'm not going to admit that I have ghostwritten porn here but let's just say I'm not not going to admit that I have ghostwritten porn.

Pussy. Cunt. Slit. Lips. Folds. Opening. Clit.

Never ever vagina or vulva. Ugh.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:44 PM on December 9, 2016 [2 favorites]

nthing that asking your partner is going to be best. As many have mentioned above, what someone wants their parts called is going to be hugely personal. If it helps, I do draw porn (often for the kink community) and most of my clients use 'pussy' and 'cunt' -- other terms are eschewed as too clinical (and therefore mood-killing). I personally prefer 'pussy' as my go-to term -- 'cunt' seems too degrading unless it's been discussed beforehand. But that may be personal bias due to the fact that transmen are commonly called 'cuntboys' in porn/kink circles and that turns me off of the word in general.

But I digress, the words you use are going to be very dependent on what your partner prefers and the circumstances themselves. For example, your partner may be open to certain words depending upon the type of play you're doing. Being romantic and 'making love'? Using 'cunt' may kill the mood. However, when used during kinkier sexytimes, it may feel more natural and heighten the excitement/taboo factor.
posted by stubbehtail at 6:07 PM on December 9, 2016

Huh. I would've expected more fans of "snatch."
posted by kmennie at 8:05 PM on December 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

Gimme that fleur. Beth! Junk. Dirty girl cunt. Clit. My brizendine. Juicy lil luvvhole. Fill you up. Turn you out. Spread your lips. Vaheen. Uh... depends on your propensity for wacko, rough, sweet and silly. Dirty talk is a tightrope, ask your date. Bargain basement! The pit! Chamber of secrets
posted by fritillary at 8:31 PM on December 9, 2016 [5 favorites]

Lot's of "lip"-related double entendres.
(I'm classy like that ;P()
posted by Captain l'escalier at 2:33 PM on December 15, 2016

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