Surviving a Toxic Work Place: To Leave or Not To Leave?
December 1, 2016 1:36 PM Subscribe
I'm the only female in my group at work and I'm rarely spoken to by any of my male colleagues, including my boss...not even courtesy greetings. They avoid me and only talk to me when they need something from me.
My boss didn’t like me from the start- he didn’t want me hired and tried to rush me out of the interview, but the big boss hired me. On the first day, my boss said I was lucky to be there. He goes out of his way to correct me when I speak and interrupt me, but doesn’t do this to anyone else. He goes for days at a time without speaking to me, walks around the room and talks to everyone else and makes it obvious that he’s ignoring me. He literally walks in and greets everyone except me, and leaves without saying good night or says it to everyone but me.
I’ve apparently become the scapegoat/target because I have to deal with my coworkers putting me down at work quite a bit. (ie: Coming up behind me at my desk and trying to startle or scare me by talking loudly; Making comments within earshot about me to outright making fun of me.) They’ll whisper while I’m around, some flat out stop their conversations when I pass by them or laugh when I walked by.
My boss makes passive-aggressive comments within earshot and makes fun of me to other managers. My coworkers just laugh when he yells at me and tell me to “get a sense of humor.” Another coworker told me that the position “isn’t a fit for everyone” when I had only been there for five months. It's a really toxic environment, so the higher ups don't care and HR non-existent.
I don't understand this, as I've always gotten good reviews, and have always worked hard to do great work. Some of the reviews have even come from the same people who are openly badmouthing me (they call it "joking around" - but I don't find it funny). There are other quiet, hardworking men in the group and none of them get the treatment that I seem to draw.
It’s starting to impact my work- I’m making mistakes and can’t concentrate. If it was just one person, I would ignore it. Having an office full of men like this is unbearable and I’m outnumbered. Are they trying to bully me out? Is there any way to resolve this or should I just leave?
My boss didn’t like me from the start- he didn’t want me hired and tried to rush me out of the interview, but the big boss hired me. On the first day, my boss said I was lucky to be there. He goes out of his way to correct me when I speak and interrupt me, but doesn’t do this to anyone else. He goes for days at a time without speaking to me, walks around the room and talks to everyone else and makes it obvious that he’s ignoring me. He literally walks in and greets everyone except me, and leaves without saying good night or says it to everyone but me.
I’ve apparently become the scapegoat/target because I have to deal with my coworkers putting me down at work quite a bit. (ie: Coming up behind me at my desk and trying to startle or scare me by talking loudly; Making comments within earshot about me to outright making fun of me.) They’ll whisper while I’m around, some flat out stop their conversations when I pass by them or laugh when I walked by.
My boss makes passive-aggressive comments within earshot and makes fun of me to other managers. My coworkers just laugh when he yells at me and tell me to “get a sense of humor.” Another coworker told me that the position “isn’t a fit for everyone” when I had only been there for five months. It's a really toxic environment, so the higher ups don't care and HR non-existent.
I don't understand this, as I've always gotten good reviews, and have always worked hard to do great work. Some of the reviews have even come from the same people who are openly badmouthing me (they call it "joking around" - but I don't find it funny). There are other quiet, hardworking men in the group and none of them get the treatment that I seem to draw.
It’s starting to impact my work- I’m making mistakes and can’t concentrate. If it was just one person, I would ignore it. Having an office full of men like this is unbearable and I’m outnumbered. Are they trying to bully me out? Is there any way to resolve this or should I just leave?
This does seem like an excessively toxic environment, and constitutes harassment. Large companies would not tolerate such unprofessionalism, although I have seen some version of this sort of bullying at smaller companies.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this, and I don't think you should stay where you are. Not to say that this is your fault, but it is possible that your quietness and refusal to engage is worsening this horrific behavior. Get out. It's not worth your sanity.
posted by Everydayville at 1:44 PM on December 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry that you have to go through this, and I don't think you should stay where you are. Not to say that this is your fault, but it is possible that your quietness and refusal to engage is worsening this horrific behavior. Get out. It's not worth your sanity.
posted by Everydayville at 1:44 PM on December 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Go on interviews while you're still working here and get another job. Key phrase at interviews: "My current workplace turned out to not be a good fit for me."
posted by infinitewindow at 1:45 PM on December 1, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 1:45 PM on December 1, 2016 [13 favorites]
No, go!!! Why are you still working there? This is a toxic workplace full of assholes, just leave as quickly as possible.
posted by benadryl at 1:45 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by benadryl at 1:45 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Are they trying to bully me out? Is there any way to resolve this or should I just leave?
Yes. You should leave anyway.
Also: Yes. You should leave anyway.
Additionally: YES. LEAVE. NOW.
I'm being a bit aggressive with my tone because I mean to shock you a little bit; you seem not to be overlooking red flags so much as you've been made deaf by a klaxxon going off next to your ear for five months. Their behaviour is completely unacceptable on a professional or human level and your management shows no inclination to change the situation. Your job is to do your work, not act as a asshole-reformation tool just through your sheer shining excellence. These people are making you unhappy. That is because they suck. You don't suck. Stop letting them do this to you.
posted by Diablevert at 1:47 PM on December 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
Yes. You should leave anyway.
Also: Yes. You should leave anyway.
Additionally: YES. LEAVE. NOW.
I'm being a bit aggressive with my tone because I mean to shock you a little bit; you seem not to be overlooking red flags so much as you've been made deaf by a klaxxon going off next to your ear for five months. Their behaviour is completely unacceptable on a professional or human level and your management shows no inclination to change the situation. Your job is to do your work, not act as a asshole-reformation tool just through your sheer shining excellence. These people are making you unhappy. That is because they suck. You don't suck. Stop letting them do this to you.
posted by Diablevert at 1:47 PM on December 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
I'm going to hip you something you may not know... There is zero relationship between your self worth and this situation. Had you decided to look for another position the hot second this behavior became apparent, it would not have meant the perpetrators "won" anything.
Hell yes you should get a new gig! This treatment is beneath you, hold your head high. This is not about you (even though it seems it's about you.)
posted by jbenben at 1:48 PM on December 1, 2016 [16 favorites]
Hell yes you should get a new gig! This treatment is beneath you, hold your head high. This is not about you (even though it seems it's about you.)
posted by jbenben at 1:48 PM on December 1, 2016 [16 favorites]
Run. These people are assholes of the highest order.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 1:52 PM on December 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 1:52 PM on December 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm stealing this from I don't even know who, but one of the best things about being a grown-up adult is that, in the vast majority of cases, you can, if you really need to, up and leave from things whenever you want. There are consequences to that, of course, but that freedom to leave, which is usually denied to children, is vitally important.
And in this situation, you should use that freedom and leave. You're not proving anything by allowing them to treat you horribly, and you clearly aren't happy. You've literally described your workplace is "toxic." When a creature is in a toxic environment, the best thing for their well-being is to GTFO as soon as possible..
These people are horrible. You aren't proving anything to them by taking this abuse. Start looking for a new job now.
posted by zachlipton at 2:01 PM on December 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
And in this situation, you should use that freedom and leave. You're not proving anything by allowing them to treat you horribly, and you clearly aren't happy. You've literally described your workplace is "toxic." When a creature is in a toxic environment, the best thing for their well-being is to GTFO as soon as possible..
These people are horrible. You aren't proving anything to them by taking this abuse. Start looking for a new job now.
posted by zachlipton at 2:01 PM on December 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Toxic situations weaken you longterm. Get out.
I stayed at a toxic workplace for 10 years. I've been out for 8 years and I STILL catch myself doing weird protective learned behaviours at other jobs.
For instance- in my new workplace, recently I was asked to solve some problems independently. I believed I was making the right decisions, but I kinda compulsively went to pains to hide my decisions til the last minute for fear of being second-guessed. Another time I obsessed for a few days about raising some simple issues because in my old workplace, my toxic colleagues and manager would have reacted badly. In both situations, now that I work in normal workplaces, when I finally, nervously, did reveal my thinking-- I was enthusiastically praised, thanked, and moreover I was literally immediately given a promotion and raise, explicitly because of the quality of my foresight. That's what the normal world is like.
My old sociopathic boss would also freeze me by not saying hi and not crediting me for my work. I just finished a project for a non-sociopathic person. A few weeks later I sent him an email and he didn't reply for a few days so I knew he too was a sociopath who hated me and would block my progress wherever possible. Still, I needed an answer, so I nervously dropped by. He jumped out of his seat and beamed when he saw me, gave me a bear hug, told me he misses me being in the office and wants to hire me again asap, and apologized for not replying to my email as he had been ill. Then he spent a focussed 30 minutes on my issue and offered generous feedback and support. He was very obviously thrilled to see me and is not a sociopath at all. My old boss was so whackadoo he has made me kind of whackadoo too. I have to actually do WORK to reset my perceptions and reactions to normal-ness. 10 years of bullshit has had a lasting effect on me, even 8 years later.
The people you're working with sound absolutely terrible and it is harming you to stay there. Get out.
When you land in a workplace that's not populated by assholes, you'll be thrilled to realize what an asset you are, and how nice work can be.
Go now! Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:13 PM on December 1, 2016 [28 favorites]
I stayed at a toxic workplace for 10 years. I've been out for 8 years and I STILL catch myself doing weird protective learned behaviours at other jobs.
For instance- in my new workplace, recently I was asked to solve some problems independently. I believed I was making the right decisions, but I kinda compulsively went to pains to hide my decisions til the last minute for fear of being second-guessed. Another time I obsessed for a few days about raising some simple issues because in my old workplace, my toxic colleagues and manager would have reacted badly. In both situations, now that I work in normal workplaces, when I finally, nervously, did reveal my thinking-- I was enthusiastically praised, thanked, and moreover I was literally immediately given a promotion and raise, explicitly because of the quality of my foresight. That's what the normal world is like.
My old sociopathic boss would also freeze me by not saying hi and not crediting me for my work. I just finished a project for a non-sociopathic person. A few weeks later I sent him an email and he didn't reply for a few days so I knew he too was a sociopath who hated me and would block my progress wherever possible. Still, I needed an answer, so I nervously dropped by. He jumped out of his seat and beamed when he saw me, gave me a bear hug, told me he misses me being in the office and wants to hire me again asap, and apologized for not replying to my email as he had been ill. Then he spent a focussed 30 minutes on my issue and offered generous feedback and support. He was very obviously thrilled to see me and is not a sociopath at all. My old boss was so whackadoo he has made me kind of whackadoo too. I have to actually do WORK to reset my perceptions and reactions to normal-ness. 10 years of bullshit has had a lasting effect on me, even 8 years later.
The people you're working with sound absolutely terrible and it is harming you to stay there. Get out.
When you land in a workplace that's not populated by assholes, you'll be thrilled to realize what an asset you are, and how nice work can be.
Go now! Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:13 PM on December 1, 2016 [28 favorites]
Why would you stay? You have Stockholm Syndrome. This is not happening because people are fair and therefore you deserve it. These people are bad, and they enjoy it, at your expense. Get out.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:20 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Lyn Never at 2:20 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Find a better opportunity and leave. You owe this company nothing in terms of an easy transition or accommodating what would be best for them in terms of the disruption your departure may cause. Do what's best and easiest for you. That means that you don't have to finish projects, leave a breadcrumb trail, or give them two weeks notice. Do what's best for you, period.
posted by quince at 2:23 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 2:23 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, start documenting everything. Illegal might be a more apt description than toxic.
(Also, run at your first chance! Run!)
posted by crankyrogalsky at 2:35 PM on December 1, 2016 [8 favorites]
(Also, run at your first chance! Run!)
posted by crankyrogalsky at 2:35 PM on December 1, 2016 [8 favorites]
I'm in a toxic situation that's similar--I was hired by big boss, my immediate boss dislikes me, and there's a gendered component to it. I'm working on getting out (although I have ~reasons~ to seriously consider staying--boss isn't SO far off from retirement, and I'm a shoe-in to replace him). I take solace in the fact that my boss is a men's rights dude and the very fact that he has a competent, intelligent, accomplished woman as a subordinate probably drives him as crazy as he drives me. Can you find a similar silver lining to see yourself through?
posted by mchorn at 2:52 PM on December 1, 2016
posted by mchorn at 2:52 PM on December 1, 2016
Start looking for other jobs tomorrow and leave as soon as you can. You don't deserve this. It will not get better. This advice is based on experience. Your situation is far worse than any of mine, and my memories are still upsetting.
Do not ever at any point in the process of leaving write down anything negative about your workplace or your employers. Do not say anything negative to anyone involved. Be vague! Speak in cliches. This is one of the worst parts. Say negative thoughts to a therapist or write it down somewhere private. Nothing you say in this situation will teach these people anything, more likely they will use it against you (or, at least, laugh at it). Also if any of these people can access your social media, block them now and if asked, tell them you quit using the site to save time.
posted by aralymn at 3:37 PM on December 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
Do not ever at any point in the process of leaving write down anything negative about your workplace or your employers. Do not say anything negative to anyone involved. Be vague! Speak in cliches. This is one of the worst parts. Say negative thoughts to a therapist or write it down somewhere private. Nothing you say in this situation will teach these people anything, more likely they will use it against you (or, at least, laugh at it). Also if any of these people can access your social media, block them now and if asked, tell them you quit using the site to save time.
posted by aralymn at 3:37 PM on December 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
You haven't said anything about why you are staying. This is not information we need, but it is extremely important information for you to take into consideration.
The short version is that unless there is some really compelling reason why THIS particular place serves some sort of important goal of yours, you should have been out of there faster than it took to write this question.
There can be many reasons why people do dumbass shit like this. You get group dynamics involved and individuals who aren't themselves horrible will cave to group pressure because they don't want to be lumped in with you and be the next person bullied to pieces. Group dynamics and context also magnify what could otherwise be behaviors that would be no big deal.
There are ways to combat this stuff, but they are complicated and nuanced and hard as hell to actually implement. Hard as hell from a human perspective of swallowing your pride and your hurt feelings and blah blah blah and focusing on a goal.
If you aren't, like literally curing blindness for own mother by staying or something equally compelling, just leave. It is extremely unlikely that the price you are paying here is worth whatever this is accomplishing.
posted by Michele in California at 3:38 PM on December 1, 2016
The short version is that unless there is some really compelling reason why THIS particular place serves some sort of important goal of yours, you should have been out of there faster than it took to write this question.
There can be many reasons why people do dumbass shit like this. You get group dynamics involved and individuals who aren't themselves horrible will cave to group pressure because they don't want to be lumped in with you and be the next person bullied to pieces. Group dynamics and context also magnify what could otherwise be behaviors that would be no big deal.
There are ways to combat this stuff, but they are complicated and nuanced and hard as hell to actually implement. Hard as hell from a human perspective of swallowing your pride and your hurt feelings and blah blah blah and focusing on a goal.
If you aren't, like literally curing blindness for own mother by staying or something equally compelling, just leave. It is extremely unlikely that the price you are paying here is worth whatever this is accomplishing.
posted by Michele in California at 3:38 PM on December 1, 2016
Leave as soon as you can. Document everything until that day. Make sure they have no access to you on social media. Then leave there without a second thought, this is all on them oh and try not to stay where people treat you like that again you deserve better.
posted by wwax at 4:07 PM on December 1, 2016
posted by wwax at 4:07 PM on December 1, 2016
Leave as soon as you can. You can't win this and you shouldn't waste your energy trying.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:53 PM on December 1, 2016
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:53 PM on December 1, 2016
I worked for a year for a boss who never spoke to me even though our desks faced each other, separated by only a thin divider. The other folks I worked with talked to me and were really friendly to me. Finally, I realized there was no way the situation was sustainable, so I started looking for other jobs. I waited until they put me on a performance plan and then let me go so that I could collect unemployment. It only took a few weeks for one of my job leads to turn into full-time employment. However, if everyone I worked with wouldn't speak to me or was abusive, there's no way I could have hung on that long.
Life is too short and jobs are easy-come, easy-go in the big picture of life. Get out as soon as you can.
posted by bendy at 4:59 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Life is too short and jobs are easy-come, easy-go in the big picture of life. Get out as soon as you can.
posted by bendy at 4:59 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yea, joining team GTFO here. This is unacceptable behavior on their part, but no reflection on you. Assholes gonna ass, more or less. Find a new shop where you are treated with, at the very least, basic human decency. Unless you literally work in Antarctica and can't leave until spring, I'm sure there are opportunities out there.
posted by Alterscape at 5:49 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Alterscape at 5:49 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Please don't keep doing this to yourself and leave ASAP. Whatever you think you're getting out of this job (money, proving them wrong, experience, etc) isn't worth the cost of their abuse, as well as you being cruel to yourself by staying.
posted by A hidden well at 7:07 PM on December 1, 2016
posted by A hidden well at 7:07 PM on December 1, 2016
Dropping back into the thread to second keeping copious records of any harassment or poor behaviour against you. You may need this in potential future legal action, if they are in fact trying to force you out.
Unless you literally work in Antarctica and can't leave until spring, I'm sure there are opportunities out there.
It's summer in Antarctica right now. So if you are there, now's the time to get out.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:07 PM on December 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Unless you literally work in Antarctica and can't leave until spring, I'm sure there are opportunities out there.
It's summer in Antarctica right now. So if you are there, now's the time to get out.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:07 PM on December 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Document, document, document. Keep a daily work journal where you write down the weather, the date, the name of your company, the name of your supervisor, and then anything notable that happened that day. Write an entry every single day, even if the entries are repetitive. Note especially harassment that seems to be related to your gender. If you end up going to court, this documentation is what is going to win you a hostile workplace complaint.
Then you can take your notebook and call the EEOC (or BOLI?) and make a complaint. This is exactly why the EEOC exists, and gender is a protected class.
It also might be worth thinking about whether it's better to accumulate a month or two worth of journal entries (more evidence, probably your best bet) or file an EEOC complaint sooner (I'm not sure whether or not the upcoming presidential administration will affect the EEOC, but someone else with more knowledge of bureaucracy might be able to answer that question). Maybe the EEOC themselves will know what your best course of action is if you ask them.
posted by cnidaria at 8:23 PM on December 1, 2016
Then you can take your notebook and call the EEOC (or BOLI?) and make a complaint. This is exactly why the EEOC exists, and gender is a protected class.
It also might be worth thinking about whether it's better to accumulate a month or two worth of journal entries (more evidence, probably your best bet) or file an EEOC complaint sooner (I'm not sure whether or not the upcoming presidential administration will affect the EEOC, but someone else with more knowledge of bureaucracy might be able to answer that question). Maybe the EEOC themselves will know what your best course of action is if you ask them.
posted by cnidaria at 8:23 PM on December 1, 2016
Just to clarify: What is happening in your workplace is most likely ILLEGAL. It's harassment, probably falling in the "hostile work environment" category. Get your documentation in order, and then you can throw these jokers to the wolves.
https://www.eeoc.gov/employees/charge.cfm
"Harassment becomes unlawful where 1) enduring the offensive conduct becomes a condition of continued employment, or 2) the conduct is severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive."
Disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer or employment law expert. What I am is a woman who works in a heavily male-dominated industry (~99.5% men).
posted by cnidaria at 8:31 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
https://www.eeoc.gov/employees/charge.cfm
"Harassment becomes unlawful where 1) enduring the offensive conduct becomes a condition of continued employment, or 2) the conduct is severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive."
Disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer or employment law expert. What I am is a woman who works in a heavily male-dominated industry (~99.5% men).
posted by cnidaria at 8:31 PM on December 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Are they trying to bully me out?
Yes, mostly your boss but he now has the others behind him so you're facing a group of men who are (mostly) united in their cause, which is getting rid of you.
Is there any way to resolve this or should I just leave?
The best thing for you would be to leave before it gets worse, because it will get worse.
I posted an ask about my old job once, my issue boiled down to sexist behavior from a male workforce. I was fired 6 months after my ask. At first frankly I was stunned to be let go. I'm a great worker, I did a great job while putting up way more than my fair ration of shit and then to be 'laid off' really messed my mind and confidence up. My boss also explicitly didn't want me or anyone else hired. He had some real shenanigans going on and hiring my position put a real crimp in his game. He gaslighted me, lied to me, gave me incomplete or wrong info, etc etc. A lot like what you're experiencing. We didn't all work in the same room so I didn't experience the hello to everyone then skip me, but if we had been in the same room I'm confident he'd have done that too. It was soul crushing and I kick myself now for staying there for 7 years. The money was good, benefits great, etc.
2 months later I landed a new job in a different field and oh my god they aren't all assholes! I don't dread going to work. People don't stop talking, get up and leave the room when I walk in (yeah, that went on for a solid week once, every time I entered a room, my boss and coworker got up and left w/o a fucking word. They spent a week muttering darkly in corners and I damn near lost my mind. I cried on my way home from work every day that week. It was just the 3 of us there for that week. Their little secrecy had nothing to do with me but they made sure I knew I wasn't welcome or to be trusted.)
What you are experiencing is sexual harassment imo. You can spend your time and energy documenting this, trying to work with your HR to improve this, and at the end of the day you'll still lose. You may be able to sue later but really, do you want to stay somewhere that allows that kind of horrible treatment of it's workers? I know there is the issue of paving the way for the next woman but in a small place like you're describing I just don't see it as worth the effort and pain to improve things. I also suspect nobody can improve things with a straight up jerk like the boss you've described. Sometimes living well is the best revenge and if you found a better position you could feel free to blast him with a great big fuck you when you leave. You could also hold your tongue and use the legal system against them, but for your own mental health, better to do this from the other side of their doors.
I do suggest you talk to a lawyer about this and start documenting every little crappy thing that happens to you, because you may be able to give your old boss back all and some more of the shit he's been feeding you, in a courtroom. THAT would be the ultimate revenge, suing the shit out of him and the company. Seeing him squirm on the stand. Smile when you cash that check sister. You'd have to stay a bit longer, and try to work with HR and endure possibly worse harassment but in the end you may prevail. Either way, I think for your mental health the best thing would be to just leave and try to forget you ever were associated with a group of sexist pigs and sissies who won't stand up for you but sit quietly and watch you be mistreated. Feel free to memail me if you'd like to commiserate.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 3:53 PM on December 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yes, mostly your boss but he now has the others behind him so you're facing a group of men who are (mostly) united in their cause, which is getting rid of you.
Is there any way to resolve this or should I just leave?
The best thing for you would be to leave before it gets worse, because it will get worse.
I posted an ask about my old job once, my issue boiled down to sexist behavior from a male workforce. I was fired 6 months after my ask. At first frankly I was stunned to be let go. I'm a great worker, I did a great job while putting up way more than my fair ration of shit and then to be 'laid off' really messed my mind and confidence up. My boss also explicitly didn't want me or anyone else hired. He had some real shenanigans going on and hiring my position put a real crimp in his game. He gaslighted me, lied to me, gave me incomplete or wrong info, etc etc. A lot like what you're experiencing. We didn't all work in the same room so I didn't experience the hello to everyone then skip me, but if we had been in the same room I'm confident he'd have done that too. It was soul crushing and I kick myself now for staying there for 7 years. The money was good, benefits great, etc.
2 months later I landed a new job in a different field and oh my god they aren't all assholes! I don't dread going to work. People don't stop talking, get up and leave the room when I walk in (yeah, that went on for a solid week once, every time I entered a room, my boss and coworker got up and left w/o a fucking word. They spent a week muttering darkly in corners and I damn near lost my mind. I cried on my way home from work every day that week. It was just the 3 of us there for that week. Their little secrecy had nothing to do with me but they made sure I knew I wasn't welcome or to be trusted.)
What you are experiencing is sexual harassment imo. You can spend your time and energy documenting this, trying to work with your HR to improve this, and at the end of the day you'll still lose. You may be able to sue later but really, do you want to stay somewhere that allows that kind of horrible treatment of it's workers? I know there is the issue of paving the way for the next woman but in a small place like you're describing I just don't see it as worth the effort and pain to improve things. I also suspect nobody can improve things with a straight up jerk like the boss you've described. Sometimes living well is the best revenge and if you found a better position you could feel free to blast him with a great big fuck you when you leave. You could also hold your tongue and use the legal system against them, but for your own mental health, better to do this from the other side of their doors.
I do suggest you talk to a lawyer about this and start documenting every little crappy thing that happens to you, because you may be able to give your old boss back all and some more of the shit he's been feeding you, in a courtroom. THAT would be the ultimate revenge, suing the shit out of him and the company. Seeing him squirm on the stand. Smile when you cash that check sister. You'd have to stay a bit longer, and try to work with HR and endure possibly worse harassment but in the end you may prevail. Either way, I think for your mental health the best thing would be to just leave and try to forget you ever were associated with a group of sexist pigs and sissies who won't stand up for you but sit quietly and watch you be mistreated. Feel free to memail me if you'd like to commiserate.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 3:53 PM on December 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
So after I wrote you a novel in response you your ask, I thought of a different way you could approach this, if you have the resolve to try. It could actually be fun but you need nerves of pure steel. You could;
When boss greets everyone but you in the morning-turn around, face him, give him an up & down look, and say loudly Good morning boss. Really bellow it at him. Force him to either respond or ignore.
When he flat out ignores you, are you old enough to remember the 70's show Soap? There was a character who would do this arm-flailing, finger-snapping thing then he thought he was invisible. You could do that and say 'see? It DOES work HAHAHA' This would depend on boss being over say 50 yrs old, or the majority of coworkers being old enough to remember it.
When he has just corrected you for some minor/imaginary error, wait a moment then do the same thing to him. Like every fucking time he does it, you wait less than 2 minutes and do it back. Then if he gets mad you say gosh this is such a supportive environment for us to help each other improve and omg boss I hate to hear you say such dumb stuff like what you just said cause I know you're way smarter than what you just said. That's one of the things I like best about this awesome company, the freedom to express ourselves. Insert big goofy grin, add an exaggerated wink if he seems put off by it.
When coworkers try to startle you, respond way over the top. Like jump out of your chair, shriek, then say 'oh Billy you are so silly, you got me AGAIN you rascal. Then laugh maniacally. Believe me they'll start thinking you may be crazy and might get a little scared of you. Start doing it to the ones who do it to you. Up it a bit even, then if they get mad say again gee one of my favorite things about this great company is all the fun we have here! Chill out bro! It was JUST A JOKE. You know, like when you (insert some shitty thing he recently did to you). Flash big smile.
Are you getting left out of meetings or email chains? Try emailing your brilliant suggestions to your bosses boss or the project manager etc, saying oh they were SO BUSY they forgot to bring me in again so here is what I was thinking about those widgets and the production line could be improved by blah blah. Be sure to cc your boss for added satisfaction. If/when boss confronts you, say oh boss I know how gosh darn BUSY you are these days and I'd love to help the company solve the widget problem and increase sales so hey when you're too busy to include me I'll just do whatever I can to help the company save/increase sales/whatever positive thing. Always return to the company and how much you want to help it and how great it is.
When they flat out fuck with you, take a tiny notepad out of your pocket and write in it. If they ask you what you're doing say with mock innocence 'I forgot to buy milk again' or better yet, I forgot to buy tampons again, do you need any while I go get some? God my period is hell this month, it's like I'll never stop bleeding a river of blood. For some reason menses really mess up sexist's minds. They may run away from you.
Ask boss/coworkers 'what would your wife/momma/granny say if she knew you talked this way to a lady? I wonder how she'd like working here...Did he respond by saying well she's so much smarter than you she'd do great! You say oh she must be adopted cause I hate to tell you the gene pool in your family is pretty dismal. I'm surprised you can find your way in to work every day, frankly. Or that you put on shoes or some other silly but insulting remark.
Make a list of every single crappy thing these guys do to you and cook up a witty or passive aggressive response, the more ridiculous the better. Consider what their response to your response would be and plan for that too. Layer it, be ready for the kickback. You may get called in to HR and that would actually be terrific, because you can start the paper trail on what's going on and maybe get some help. But boss isn't going to want to bring in HR because he'd have to admit his role and it's bad so you're pretty free to go rogue.
What I'm suggesting is nuclear and you need to be looking for a new job while you do this. But there is a teeny tiny chance you could actually improve things by holding a mirror up to these assholes. It could also be fun and you might change one or two of these asshole's thinking.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 5:04 PM on December 4, 2016
When boss greets everyone but you in the morning-turn around, face him, give him an up & down look, and say loudly Good morning boss. Really bellow it at him. Force him to either respond or ignore.
When he flat out ignores you, are you old enough to remember the 70's show Soap? There was a character who would do this arm-flailing, finger-snapping thing then he thought he was invisible. You could do that and say 'see? It DOES work HAHAHA' This would depend on boss being over say 50 yrs old, or the majority of coworkers being old enough to remember it.
When he has just corrected you for some minor/imaginary error, wait a moment then do the same thing to him. Like every fucking time he does it, you wait less than 2 minutes and do it back. Then if he gets mad you say gosh this is such a supportive environment for us to help each other improve and omg boss I hate to hear you say such dumb stuff like what you just said cause I know you're way smarter than what you just said. That's one of the things I like best about this awesome company, the freedom to express ourselves. Insert big goofy grin, add an exaggerated wink if he seems put off by it.
When coworkers try to startle you, respond way over the top. Like jump out of your chair, shriek, then say 'oh Billy you are so silly, you got me AGAIN you rascal. Then laugh maniacally. Believe me they'll start thinking you may be crazy and might get a little scared of you. Start doing it to the ones who do it to you. Up it a bit even, then if they get mad say again gee one of my favorite things about this great company is all the fun we have here! Chill out bro! It was JUST A JOKE. You know, like when you (insert some shitty thing he recently did to you). Flash big smile.
Are you getting left out of meetings or email chains? Try emailing your brilliant suggestions to your bosses boss or the project manager etc, saying oh they were SO BUSY they forgot to bring me in again so here is what I was thinking about those widgets and the production line could be improved by blah blah. Be sure to cc your boss for added satisfaction. If/when boss confronts you, say oh boss I know how gosh darn BUSY you are these days and I'd love to help the company solve the widget problem and increase sales so hey when you're too busy to include me I'll just do whatever I can to help the company save/increase sales/whatever positive thing. Always return to the company and how much you want to help it and how great it is.
When they flat out fuck with you, take a tiny notepad out of your pocket and write in it. If they ask you what you're doing say with mock innocence 'I forgot to buy milk again' or better yet, I forgot to buy tampons again, do you need any while I go get some? God my period is hell this month, it's like I'll never stop bleeding a river of blood. For some reason menses really mess up sexist's minds. They may run away from you.
Ask boss/coworkers 'what would your wife/momma/granny say if she knew you talked this way to a lady? I wonder how she'd like working here...Did he respond by saying well she's so much smarter than you she'd do great! You say oh she must be adopted cause I hate to tell you the gene pool in your family is pretty dismal. I'm surprised you can find your way in to work every day, frankly. Or that you put on shoes or some other silly but insulting remark.
Make a list of every single crappy thing these guys do to you and cook up a witty or passive aggressive response, the more ridiculous the better. Consider what their response to your response would be and plan for that too. Layer it, be ready for the kickback. You may get called in to HR and that would actually be terrific, because you can start the paper trail on what's going on and maybe get some help. But boss isn't going to want to bring in HR because he'd have to admit his role and it's bad so you're pretty free to go rogue.
What I'm suggesting is nuclear and you need to be looking for a new job while you do this. But there is a teeny tiny chance you could actually improve things by holding a mirror up to these assholes. It could also be fun and you might change one or two of these asshole's thinking.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 5:04 PM on December 4, 2016
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your suggestions and input- I greatly appreciate it. Maybe I’m naive, but I didn’t know that this type of behavior existed past junior high. All of my co-workers in my previous jobs- men and women- would never ever act like this. I still don’t understand it and probably never will (it wouldn’t solve anything either), but it’s time to move on. I found a temporary job and will be giving my notice soon.
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 5:47 PM on December 5, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 5:47 PM on December 5, 2016 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by wintersweet at 1:43 PM on December 1, 2016 [36 favorites]