My parents forgot I was raped - really confused about how to proceed
October 25, 2016 12:37 PM Subscribe
So, in the wake of all the conversation about triggers/sexual assault happening in the USA right now, I shared an article about how this campaign has been demoralizing to survivors of sexual assault and briefly mentioned my own story (basically, I was sexually assaulted by an acquaintance. My parents responded to my post saying "WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL US?" The thing is, I did. 10 years ago. And 3 years ago. And I have no idea how to proceed.
I deleted their comments and said "You know, I appreciate your support, but I'm afraid this will derail the conversation and make it more about something that happened to me versus rape culture. And, their reaction would totally make sense if they didn't think I had told them. But I am certain that I have told them about it multiple times.
I'm not sure if it's something that makes sense to talk to them about - I'm afraid it will just be a conversation that makes them feel hurt. But I also am really, really confused. This isn't the first time something like this has happened - they claim to have forgotten about my sister's miscarriages, as well as the abusive relationship she was in. But I also feel weird about having to manage their feelings about this when it shouldn't be a surprise. Any advice about how to proceed would be appreciated. Thanks, AskMe!
I deleted their comments and said "You know, I appreciate your support, but I'm afraid this will derail the conversation and make it more about something that happened to me versus rape culture. And, their reaction would totally make sense if they didn't think I had told them. But I am certain that I have told them about it multiple times.
I'm not sure if it's something that makes sense to talk to them about - I'm afraid it will just be a conversation that makes them feel hurt. But I also am really, really confused. This isn't the first time something like this has happened - they claim to have forgotten about my sister's miscarriages, as well as the abusive relationship she was in. But I also feel weird about having to manage their feelings about this when it shouldn't be a surprise. Any advice about how to proceed would be appreciated. Thanks, AskMe!
Best answer: I would send them a private message saying:
posted by homodachi at 12:48 PM on October 25, 2016 [28 favorites]
I was surprised and hurt by your comments that you felt I hadn't told you about my sexual assault, when in fact I told you twice, on [date] and [date].That's it. There is no need to manage someone else's feelings about your experience. See also the comfort in, vent out theory.
posted by homodachi at 12:48 PM on October 25, 2016 [28 favorites]
Would their reaction make sense if you hadn't told them? I am not a parent, but is publicly proclaiming that you have no moral responsibility due to ignorance...sensible?
I feel like maybe I would call my kid instead and be like, "I'm sorry that happened to you and am proud of you for sharing your story--is there anything I can do now to help, or something I could've done better?"
The fact that they also did this with your sister's miscarriages and abusive relationship makes them sound like they are mentally ill.
posted by radicalawyer at 12:51 PM on October 25, 2016 [32 favorites]
I feel like maybe I would call my kid instead and be like, "I'm sorry that happened to you and am proud of you for sharing your story--is there anything I can do now to help, or something I could've done better?"
The fact that they also did this with your sister's miscarriages and abusive relationship makes them sound like they are mentally ill.
posted by radicalawyer at 12:51 PM on October 25, 2016 [32 favorites]
My parents have done similar. It is not your responsibility to protect them when they can't be bothered to remember something so important. Do not concern yourself with managing their feelings. And take care of yourself, as I know how hurtful that kind of forgetfulness can be.
posted by amro at 12:53 PM on October 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by amro at 12:53 PM on October 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
Like...if my spouse told me that ze was raped, and that ze had told me years before and I'd forgotten, and ohbytheway I'd forgotten other traumatic things that happened to other people whom I cared about, I would go to a neurologist first to see if I had a brain disease, then go talk to my therapist about why I was shoving this stuff down the memory hole and how it could have possibly happened and how we could work on that.
I guess what I'm saying is, your parents sound toxic.
posted by radicalawyer at 12:55 PM on October 25, 2016 [59 favorites]
I guess what I'm saying is, your parents sound toxic.
posted by radicalawyer at 12:55 PM on October 25, 2016 [59 favorites]
Your parents have done something hurtful, I'm sorry. To be honest, I don't think there's any "proceeding" here. I would have done exactly what you did- delete the comments because they're in the way, and move on. I'm sure you told them 10 years ago, and 3 years ago, and there's probably been other instances where they were "told" secondhand, much like this one. I don't think there's going to be any of them remembering, especially with what you say about your sister's circumstances. You are the last person on earth that should have to deal with retelling this, and you certainly shouldn't have to put on baby gloves to deal with their feelings.
Don't tell them again, don't handle their feelings, erase their shock when you can and when you can't a simple "I already told you" will do.
posted by FirstMateKate at 1:05 PM on October 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
Don't tell them again, don't handle their feelings, erase their shock when you can and when you can't a simple "I already told you" will do.
posted by FirstMateKate at 1:05 PM on October 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
Yeah, it kind of read to me like social grandstanding, so that they can claim plausible deniability in front of anyone they know, should they be asked what they did to help you, etc.
I'm not sure you need to say anything, because that's a lot of EL for you yourself, but imho danny the boy has a good script (with the caveat that I am not a survivor).
posted by vignettist at 1:08 PM on October 25, 2016 [13 favorites]
I'm not sure you need to say anything, because that's a lot of EL for you yourself, but imho danny the boy has a good script (with the caveat that I am not a survivor).
posted by vignettist at 1:08 PM on October 25, 2016 [13 favorites]
they claim to have forgotten about my sister's miscarriages, as well as the abusive relationship she was in
Yeah, either your parents are the actual worst or you need to send the fire department over there to deal with their decade-long carbon monoxide leak.
You don't owe them anything, and they deserve to be "shocked"; you don't need to manage their feelings. More importantly, as painful as this will be to finally accept, there is nothing you can do to make them act like spine-bearing humans. There's no answer here that will suddenly make them remember to care about their children's pain.
You proceed by making sure you have a support system in other quarters - friends who care and respect you, ideally a therapist you can work with on this, maybe a stronger relationship with your sister if that's possible.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:09 PM on October 25, 2016 [33 favorites]
Yeah, either your parents are the actual worst or you need to send the fire department over there to deal with their decade-long carbon monoxide leak.
You don't owe them anything, and they deserve to be "shocked"; you don't need to manage their feelings. More importantly, as painful as this will be to finally accept, there is nothing you can do to make them act like spine-bearing humans. There's no answer here that will suddenly make them remember to care about their children's pain.
You proceed by making sure you have a support system in other quarters - friends who care and respect you, ideally a therapist you can work with on this, maybe a stronger relationship with your sister if that's possible.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:09 PM on October 25, 2016 [33 favorites]
Best answer: they claim to have forgotten about my sister's miscarriages, as well as the abusive relationship she was in
Parental denial & memory suppression are extraordinarily impressive forces, I think. Just point out that you have told them, and when. Then let it go*. This isn't about them. At all.
* chances are, they'll forget again anyway.
posted by Neekee at 1:28 PM on October 25, 2016 [25 favorites]
Parental denial & memory suppression are extraordinarily impressive forces, I think. Just point out that you have told them, and when. Then let it go*. This isn't about them. At all.
* chances are, they'll forget again anyway.
posted by Neekee at 1:28 PM on October 25, 2016 [25 favorites]
Best answer: Your parents have a proven track record in erasing things that are unpleasant, difficult to process and/or that cause them pain. You get this with alcoholics, narcissists, and a particular type of "everything must be perfect ALL THE TIME and above all, DO NOT TELL THE NEIGHBOURS."
It absolutely sucks and also makes you feel like you are losing your mind. You are not losing your mind.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:33 PM on October 25, 2016 [54 favorites]
It absolutely sucks and also makes you feel like you are losing your mind. You are not losing your mind.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:33 PM on October 25, 2016 [54 favorites]
I think you did the right thing and I'm sorry that your parents are acting like this. To share some of my story, which may or may not apply in your situation, I told my mother of some abuse that was happening when I was a child and she helped to bring an end to that situation but I never felt like she did enough and it always pained me that she fell short in this way. It wasn't until I was very much an adult, some 25 years after the fact, and doing a lot of reading and trying to make sense of it all that I realized that I probably did not tell her the truth. I told her just enough to get some action on my behalf and then I shut down. I minimized and I refused to talk much more about it in the presence of anyone other than a therapist. And even there, I'm pretty sure I didn't say much more. It was self-preservation. When I had this realization, it hit me like a brick.
Around this same time, I had the opportunity to talk to my mom about this because some of that stuff got dredged up and I felt her memory was awfully selective. I confessed that I probably did not tell her the whole story and that I could feel at the time that she didn't want to know the whole story. We have such tightly ingrained family patterns and functions. You can sense exactly when you are treading too close to something with a parent, with a family member. You can preemptively hold back, or minimize either consciously or subconsciously the trauma. And what you want, with a parent, is for them to read through the lines, to leap to protect you, to hear what you say but then go above and beyond to respond to your welfare. But, too often, we don't want to hear the trauma. We are afraid ourselves, as parents, what we will do. We are afraid, ourselves, as children to burden our parent, to hurt the relationship by being truthful. For me, there's a certain level of holding back because the trauma of being utterly truthful and having the results be getting no help, action or support is too terrifying to imagine.
For certain people, too, any out you give them to avoid trauma and they take it. My mother was already experiencing trauma in her life. I think she did the best she could but, on the other hand, I also feel she should have done more to help me. It's something I carry, heavily, to this day.
posted by amanda at 1:41 PM on October 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
Around this same time, I had the opportunity to talk to my mom about this because some of that stuff got dredged up and I felt her memory was awfully selective. I confessed that I probably did not tell her the whole story and that I could feel at the time that she didn't want to know the whole story. We have such tightly ingrained family patterns and functions. You can sense exactly when you are treading too close to something with a parent, with a family member. You can preemptively hold back, or minimize either consciously or subconsciously the trauma. And what you want, with a parent, is for them to read through the lines, to leap to protect you, to hear what you say but then go above and beyond to respond to your welfare. But, too often, we don't want to hear the trauma. We are afraid ourselves, as parents, what we will do. We are afraid, ourselves, as children to burden our parent, to hurt the relationship by being truthful. For me, there's a certain level of holding back because the trauma of being utterly truthful and having the results be getting no help, action or support is too terrifying to imagine.
For certain people, too, any out you give them to avoid trauma and they take it. My mother was already experiencing trauma in her life. I think she did the best she could but, on the other hand, I also feel she should have done more to help me. It's something I carry, heavily, to this day.
posted by amanda at 1:41 PM on October 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
A lot of people can't deal with negative emotions and so shut them out to the point where they never happened/don't exist (particularly in situations where there is existing trauma that has not been dealt with properly).
I think you handled their comment fine and I don't think you need to engage with them on this any further beyond stating when you did talk to them about it already - just remind yourself that they literally do not have the skills to deal with this and, while that is quite sad, this is not your responsibility.
posted by heyjude at 2:39 PM on October 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think you handled their comment fine and I don't think you need to engage with them on this any further beyond stating when you did talk to them about it already - just remind yourself that they literally do not have the skills to deal with this and, while that is quite sad, this is not your responsibility.
posted by heyjude at 2:39 PM on October 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Human memory is a strange thing and it can, indeed, alter and delete information over time, for reasons that are not always obvious, or even understandable. There are some guessed-at diagnoses for your parents' case suggested above, like alcoholism or mental illness, but you would know best about those. If those don't apply, and you can't really figure out why they delete/forget these things, I suggest patience rather than blame. So I second Danny the boy's suggestion in the first response, along with, "I'm perfectly willing to tell you about it again, if you like. Just give a call."
posted by beagle at 2:41 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by beagle at 2:41 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
There are so many things I don't tell my parents because I don't want to have to manage their feelings about it. And, yes, selective memory ABSOLUTELY comes into it.
I pretty much never mention my abusive ex in front of my mom, because she once casually said to my face over dinner, "Oh come on it's not like he abused you or anything." Meanwhile, when it was happening she saw the warning signs and pulled me aside to ask if he was abusing me. Which is part of what helped me to see it as abuse.
I also don't talk about my own rape, sexual assault, and abuse on "normcore" Facebook (e.g. outside of specific private groups) for this reason. Just thinking about managing my entire family's feelings about this exhausts me. I can't speak highly enough of joining private FB groups that are for survivors, or even just feminist safe spaces that welcome talk about rape culture and our direct experiences of it.
posted by Sara C. at 3:13 PM on October 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
I pretty much never mention my abusive ex in front of my mom, because she once casually said to my face over dinner, "Oh come on it's not like he abused you or anything." Meanwhile, when it was happening she saw the warning signs and pulled me aside to ask if he was abusing me. Which is part of what helped me to see it as abuse.
I also don't talk about my own rape, sexual assault, and abuse on "normcore" Facebook (e.g. outside of specific private groups) for this reason. Just thinking about managing my entire family's feelings about this exhausts me. I can't speak highly enough of joining private FB groups that are for survivors, or even just feminist safe spaces that welcome talk about rape culture and our direct experiences of it.
posted by Sara C. at 3:13 PM on October 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
For whatever cold comfort it brings, I've experienced this parental amnesia too. It sucks. Whoever suggested adjusting your expectations was right. I was direct with them and then let it drop. There was a chill in the relationship for a while but I'm prepared to shut down the issue if it comes up instead of being shocked and hurt. I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by mrcrow at 3:37 PM on October 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by mrcrow at 3:37 PM on October 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
I guess the line in your question that just leaves me with my jaw hanging agape is, I'm not sure if it's something that makes sense to talk to them about - I'm afraid it will just be a conversation that makes them feel hurt. But I also am really, really confused.
Yes, I'd sure as hell be confused if I were you too. Your parents have somehow mastered the ability of ignoring and "forgetting" their children's traumas but plausibly expressing "hurt" when this is pointed out to them.
Like every one else, I am gob smacked that they are willing to publicly deny memory of painful disclosures like these. But it sure isn't on you to tenderly care for their selfish need to look good to others, or to help them avoid the pain of being called on it.
If they were my parents, I'd remind them all the time about these traumas you and your sister experienced, and I wouldn't hesitate to do that in a public forum, either. And if they acted "hurt" I'd point out how absolutely outrageous it is to claim a victim mantle because they can't be bothered to recall or care about their kids' most dreadful experiences.
Should you not have my appetite for confrontation, and I don't see why you should, I think what you did is fine, and you owe them no further discussion of the topic. Don't let them gaslight you -- this is them, not you.
posted by bearwife at 4:05 PM on October 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
Yes, I'd sure as hell be confused if I were you too. Your parents have somehow mastered the ability of ignoring and "forgetting" their children's traumas but plausibly expressing "hurt" when this is pointed out to them.
Like every one else, I am gob smacked that they are willing to publicly deny memory of painful disclosures like these. But it sure isn't on you to tenderly care for their selfish need to look good to others, or to help them avoid the pain of being called on it.
If they were my parents, I'd remind them all the time about these traumas you and your sister experienced, and I wouldn't hesitate to do that in a public forum, either. And if they acted "hurt" I'd point out how absolutely outrageous it is to claim a victim mantle because they can't be bothered to recall or care about their kids' most dreadful experiences.
Should you not have my appetite for confrontation, and I don't see why you should, I think what you did is fine, and you owe them no further discussion of the topic. Don't let them gaslight you -- this is them, not you.
posted by bearwife at 4:05 PM on October 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
I have witnessed this behavior enough, that I think this is incredibly normal. One of the symptoms of trauma is memory loss. It's how our brain processes the things that are too painful to actual process.
My mom's mom has forgotten my mom's entire childhood. And it's incredibly painful to my mom and aunt, because it erases the abuse they experienced and witnessed. But it was the only way my grandmother knew how to cope with being trapped in an abusive marriage until she found the strength to leave.
My mom occasionally does it to me. She's shocked by things in my childhood that she should remember. But I think to stay calm, she disassociates from the experience so that she can ignore her own emotional response and try to tend to mine. But that very disassociation tends to prevent the memory from taking hold.
I recently had a baffling experience on social media talking about rape. I knew that all the women commenting had been sexually assaulted, including myself, but it was facebook, where your grandma might stumble onto it. So none of us had disclosed in the thread. Eventually it became clear that my best friend from High School did not remember I was raped.
I'm not going to pretend that it isn't incredibly hurtful and traumatic. But I know that we became friends primarily because we were two weirdos who were desperately trying to avoid acknowledging we needed help processing our shit.
posted by politikitty at 4:53 PM on October 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
My mom's mom has forgotten my mom's entire childhood. And it's incredibly painful to my mom and aunt, because it erases the abuse they experienced and witnessed. But it was the only way my grandmother knew how to cope with being trapped in an abusive marriage until she found the strength to leave.
My mom occasionally does it to me. She's shocked by things in my childhood that she should remember. But I think to stay calm, she disassociates from the experience so that she can ignore her own emotional response and try to tend to mine. But that very disassociation tends to prevent the memory from taking hold.
I recently had a baffling experience on social media talking about rape. I knew that all the women commenting had been sexually assaulted, including myself, but it was facebook, where your grandma might stumble onto it. So none of us had disclosed in the thread. Eventually it became clear that my best friend from High School did not remember I was raped.
I'm not going to pretend that it isn't incredibly hurtful and traumatic. But I know that we became friends primarily because we were two weirdos who were desperately trying to avoid acknowledging we needed help processing our shit.
posted by politikitty at 4:53 PM on October 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
Yeah, just lay it on the line:
"I was surprised and hurt by your comments that you felt I hadn't told you about my sexual assault, when in fact I told you twice, on [date] and [date]."
They say blah blah blah blah blah. You reiterate that you did in fact tell them.
You could also double down if you wanted to:
"I've noticed past instances when you've forgotten significant events. [Example] I can't say how Sis felt about that, but it would have really made me feel bad.
"I hope the next time we discuss this, you will remember this conversation. That would help me feel more cared for, knowing that you remembered that I went through this scary and traumatic event."
posted by salvia at 5:49 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
"I was surprised and hurt by your comments that you felt I hadn't told you about my sexual assault, when in fact I told you twice, on [date] and [date]."
They say blah blah blah blah blah. You reiterate that you did in fact tell them.
You could also double down if you wanted to:
"I've noticed past instances when you've forgotten significant events. [Example] I can't say how Sis felt about that, but it would have really made me feel bad.
"I hope the next time we discuss this, you will remember this conversation. That would help me feel more cared for, knowing that you remembered that I went through this scary and traumatic event."
posted by salvia at 5:49 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
It could be selective. But it could also be actual memory loss- has the parent who responded been forgetting even more mundane things? Everything from certain vitamin deficiencies to early Alzheimer's could be at fault if so.
(My read: call your sis and vent. You can't change your folks' behavior, assuming it isn't due to a correctible medical issue, but it sounds like she would understand.)
posted by nat at 6:37 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
(My read: call your sis and vent. You can't change your folks' behavior, assuming it isn't due to a correctible medical issue, but it sounds like she would understand.)
posted by nat at 6:37 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Glad that you re-directed and were direct. This may be a time where your sibling may help you make sense of your parents and you can support each other & find something to lend some humor to this can-you-believe-it situation and feel less gaslighted. Glad you have the strength to speak up on rape culture and your own experience. Hugs, as my own parents have similar, but not identical, oddness.
posted by childofTethys at 6:57 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by childofTethys at 6:57 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
I block out horrible things that happened to me with alarming frequency. (Thanks, Trump, for bringing a lot of that back.) I'm not excusing your parents in any way, just offering a possibly more benign suggestion.
My mom has also conveniently "forgotten" things like the transgressions of her creepy brother, which she actively intervened against decades ago.
Peace and love to you.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 7:08 PM on October 25, 2016
My mom has also conveniently "forgotten" things like the transgressions of her creepy brother, which she actively intervened against decades ago.
Peace and love to you.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 7:08 PM on October 25, 2016
I've experienced this to a much lesser degree in terms of stuff I've had to deal with, but my parents still forget difficult things all the time.
For example, I've been on and off suicidal since I was 11. The first big indicator that I wasn't okay and it wasn't just puberty was that I would start sobbing uncontrollably at night and have to fling myself into my mom's lap and cry for literally hours, and I was never able to vocalize what was wrong except that I didn't want to be "here". Flash forward 21 years and in talking about my mental health and the family's history with their own stuff, I brought this up. Mom had completely and utterly forgotten it, and rewritten it as her having no idea what was going on with me at a tween and me never talking to her about anything and her assuming I was mostly fine. She's not gaslighting me, she'd do her best to help me every time I was communicative about my mental state at the time. She also forgot about ten different times that I'm not straight, something I've been upfront and nonchalant about since I was 16, and she accepted and moved on every time.
My point is, people forgetting about difficult challenges people they love have endured is really normal. It's not good, but I wouldn't automatically assume the worst. That they've forgotten your sister's troubles as well indicates to me that they have some kind of mental block going on where when bad things happen to their kids that they can't control, they don't process it. It's not healthy but it's not actively malicious. How many other things are they repressing??
It's not your job to handle them, and you have no obligations, but if either of them are receptive to therapy you could bring it up.
posted by Mizu at 7:28 PM on October 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
For example, I've been on and off suicidal since I was 11. The first big indicator that I wasn't okay and it wasn't just puberty was that I would start sobbing uncontrollably at night and have to fling myself into my mom's lap and cry for literally hours, and I was never able to vocalize what was wrong except that I didn't want to be "here". Flash forward 21 years and in talking about my mental health and the family's history with their own stuff, I brought this up. Mom had completely and utterly forgotten it, and rewritten it as her having no idea what was going on with me at a tween and me never talking to her about anything and her assuming I was mostly fine. She's not gaslighting me, she'd do her best to help me every time I was communicative about my mental state at the time. She also forgot about ten different times that I'm not straight, something I've been upfront and nonchalant about since I was 16, and she accepted and moved on every time.
My point is, people forgetting about difficult challenges people they love have endured is really normal. It's not good, but I wouldn't automatically assume the worst. That they've forgotten your sister's troubles as well indicates to me that they have some kind of mental block going on where when bad things happen to their kids that they can't control, they don't process it. It's not healthy but it's not actively malicious. How many other things are they repressing??
It's not your job to handle them, and you have no obligations, but if either of them are receptive to therapy you could bring it up.
posted by Mizu at 7:28 PM on October 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
Reminds me of a thread a few (weeks?) ago by someone who couldn't remember whole days of his life, including around the time of his mother's cancer diagnosis. Trauma, even second hand, does do weird things to memory. It might be worth pointing out the pattern plus trying to have the conversation in email this time so they have something undeniable to look back on later if they actually forget again. Therapy could be good for their relationship with you all.
posted by Lady Li at 12:39 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Lady Li at 12:39 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry this happened. Check out gaslighting.
posted by frantumaglia at 2:34 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by frantumaglia at 2:34 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I mean.... if you want to know if they really FORGOT, then I would send them an email or text saying "I've told you about this previously on Date and Date. If you truly have no recollection, you need to visit your doctors ASAP for memory issues, or a therapist to understand why you are blocking this."
They will either say "yes, I too am deeply troubled that we could have completely forgotten this"
or continue to say "no, I'm sure you never told us."
And then you have an answer - they either believe you or want to continue to believe they never knew and you are the one lying about telling them.
I'm sorry this continues to hurt you. Your sister may be a source of support if you think they've done the same thing to her.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:38 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
They will either say "yes, I too am deeply troubled that we could have completely forgotten this"
or continue to say "no, I'm sure you never told us."
And then you have an answer - they either believe you or want to continue to believe they never knew and you are the one lying about telling them.
I'm sorry this continues to hurt you. Your sister may be a source of support if you think they've done the same thing to her.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:38 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
These are my parents. We don't talk anymore, because of a pattern of behavior that includes (but is not limited to) this, and because they're not interested in addressing it. It hurts, but it's better for me.
posted by mchorn at 6:22 AM on October 26, 2016
posted by mchorn at 6:22 AM on October 26, 2016
My mom does this but she is literally diagnosed as being mentally ill, plus she is on a drug cocktail that can cause memory issues. I'm still hurt because even though it's not intentional, everyone wants their parents to be there for them. If I were you I'd temper my response if it is a physical issue, but I would also not trust them with future disclosures. I don't talk about my feelings with my mom at all because I can't trust her.
I totally agree with nakedmolerats' suggestion to suss out whether it is a possible physical issue, or if they are being giant assholes.
posted by AFABulous at 7:15 AM on October 26, 2016
I totally agree with nakedmolerats' suggestion to suss out whether it is a possible physical issue, or if they are being giant assholes.
posted by AFABulous at 7:15 AM on October 26, 2016
My point is, people forgetting about difficult challenges people they love have endured is really normal. It's not good, but I wouldn't automatically assume the worst. That they've forgotten your sister's troubles as well indicates to me that they have some kind of mental block going on where when bad things happen to their kids that they can't control, they don't process it.
Our conception of the people in our lives we are closest to really amounts to a kind of gestalt of who they are as a person. There is nothing more frustrating than when you see, through their eyes, that a parent or relative still sees you as "that rebellious teenager" or some other characterization of your self that you feel you have moved beyond. It's one of the classic parent/child anxieties – why don't you see me as I am? But that goes both ways. We see our parents as a kind of caricature of themselves. It's part of the perspective shift as you grow into the years that matched your parents' parental years of you. I don't think we really want our closest friends and family to see us as "the victim." By not incorporating that into the gestalt of how they view you, it preserves their narrative of who you are. And that's not entirely a bad thing. It's possible that if they really thought about it, they had contextualized what had happened to you as a bad incident that you moved beyond and to see it spelled out as "Sexual Assault!" didn't conform to their picture of you.
I often feel like because I present to my mom as someone who seemed to have moved through the challenges of an abusive childhood and appear to have my life in some picture of togetherness that what happened to me as a child wasn't really affecting. She has her own gestalt of how she views me and, honestly, it can be a real mind-fuck to unpack all that. So much so that our relationship is not really very strong at all. I've tried to find a way through or around all that but it's really difficult. If you have the kind of relationship where you can say to your parents, hey, I just want you to know, that your comment really affected me and I want to just remind you that this happened and I just need to know that you're on my side in this life.
posted by amanda at 10:35 AM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Our conception of the people in our lives we are closest to really amounts to a kind of gestalt of who they are as a person. There is nothing more frustrating than when you see, through their eyes, that a parent or relative still sees you as "that rebellious teenager" or some other characterization of your self that you feel you have moved beyond. It's one of the classic parent/child anxieties – why don't you see me as I am? But that goes both ways. We see our parents as a kind of caricature of themselves. It's part of the perspective shift as you grow into the years that matched your parents' parental years of you. I don't think we really want our closest friends and family to see us as "the victim." By not incorporating that into the gestalt of how they view you, it preserves their narrative of who you are. And that's not entirely a bad thing. It's possible that if they really thought about it, they had contextualized what had happened to you as a bad incident that you moved beyond and to see it spelled out as "Sexual Assault!" didn't conform to their picture of you.
I often feel like because I present to my mom as someone who seemed to have moved through the challenges of an abusive childhood and appear to have my life in some picture of togetherness that what happened to me as a child wasn't really affecting. She has her own gestalt of how she views me and, honestly, it can be a real mind-fuck to unpack all that. So much so that our relationship is not really very strong at all. I've tried to find a way through or around all that but it's really difficult. If you have the kind of relationship where you can say to your parents, hey, I just want you to know, that your comment really affected me and I want to just remind you that this happened and I just need to know that you're on my side in this life.
posted by amanda at 10:35 AM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: So, last night I talked to my dad about it some. It turned out at least one of my sisters had brought up my sexual assault to them previously, too, so that helped me feel more confident in my certainty that this had been discussed with them.
I basically said, "Hey, I was really confused when I read your comments because it made it seem like I had never told you about my experience with sexual assault, and I know that I have talked to you about this before. Do you remember those conversations?" My dad replied that he did remember now that we talked about it, but he had just blocked it out/minimized it in his own mind. I think it's some kind of coping mechanism, which is understandable, if really baffling to me while it was happening.
He did say that in response to my post and his strong reaction to it he was now voting for Hillary, which is nice. And my parents did seem to understand that what they posted was not super-appropriate/relevant to the conversation. But yeah. I think they are people who tend to suppress stuff they don't want to think about to the point where they just are in complete denial. I think something about seeing the words written out versus just hearing them made it extra jarring. Which is not to make an excuse for them - they have a lot of narcissistic tendencies, and this is just the latest example. But it is something to keep in mind; I do not have dependable parents, but that's not my fault.
Thank y'all so much for the support and kindness. I was really having a hard time with this yesterday, and y'all comments really helped me have perspective and generosity with them while still allowing me to feel okay about feeling sad and hurt. So thank you.
posted by socktothepuppet at 2:04 PM on October 26, 2016 [11 favorites]
I basically said, "Hey, I was really confused when I read your comments because it made it seem like I had never told you about my experience with sexual assault, and I know that I have talked to you about this before. Do you remember those conversations?" My dad replied that he did remember now that we talked about it, but he had just blocked it out/minimized it in his own mind. I think it's some kind of coping mechanism, which is understandable, if really baffling to me while it was happening.
He did say that in response to my post and his strong reaction to it he was now voting for Hillary, which is nice. And my parents did seem to understand that what they posted was not super-appropriate/relevant to the conversation. But yeah. I think they are people who tend to suppress stuff they don't want to think about to the point where they just are in complete denial. I think something about seeing the words written out versus just hearing them made it extra jarring. Which is not to make an excuse for them - they have a lot of narcissistic tendencies, and this is just the latest example. But it is something to keep in mind; I do not have dependable parents, but that's not my fault.
Thank y'all so much for the support and kindness. I was really having a hard time with this yesterday, and y'all comments really helped me have perspective and generosity with them while still allowing me to feel okay about feeling sad and hurt. So thank you.
posted by socktothepuppet at 2:04 PM on October 26, 2016 [11 favorites]
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posted by danny the boy at 12:44 PM on October 25, 2016 [48 favorites]