Should I let my mom use my name in a MLM business?
October 22, 2016 7:40 AM Subscribe
My mom has joined a MLM business that sells "health" products. They've got all sorts of wonderful claims and, of course, no science to back them up. My mom wants to add my name in as one of her distributors. She says she will do all the work, I'll get the money, and eventually a new car. She just needs my social security number and bank account.
I don't believe in these products. I tried some of them to humor her/myself and I felt nothing at all. I also did some research, and of course very few people who sell this actually make a decent profit (ie, more than $10, or any profit at all). About 7%. Less than 1% get the car. I will not be doing anything to try to push this stuff on people. I've told her that. She says it's fine, she just wants to give something back to me, no strings attached.
I feel like, 1. this is a sort of fraud, and 2. I don't want these people to have my information. I don't know what they can do with it. I don't know if I can get in trouble. But my mom is so into this. My grandfather tried to talk her out of it but she wouldn't hear it. It's almost cult like.
Would it be a big deal if I let her use my info? If this is a horrible idea, how do I frame the conversation I'll need to have with her?
I don't believe in these products. I tried some of them to humor her/myself and I felt nothing at all. I also did some research, and of course very few people who sell this actually make a decent profit (ie, more than $10, or any profit at all). About 7%. Less than 1% get the car. I will not be doing anything to try to push this stuff on people. I've told her that. She says it's fine, she just wants to give something back to me, no strings attached.
I feel like, 1. this is a sort of fraud, and 2. I don't want these people to have my information. I don't know what they can do with it. I don't know if I can get in trouble. But my mom is so into this. My grandfather tried to talk her out of it but she wouldn't hear it. It's almost cult like.
Would it be a big deal if I let her use my info? If this is a horrible idea, how do I frame the conversation I'll need to have with her?
This is a good opportunity to exercise your boundaries. You don't want to be mixed up in this business venture and you don't want these people to have their information. So, don't give your permission.
Wish her well and say, "no, I don't want you to add me as a distributor." If she does spectacularly well, makes a ton of money and gets a new car, then she has permission to say "I told you so." Or, if she does really well and you change your mind, you can join her later.
posted by Sublimity at 7:43 AM on October 22, 2016 [13 favorites]
Wish her well and say, "no, I don't want you to add me as a distributor." If she does spectacularly well, makes a ton of money and gets a new car, then she has permission to say "I told you so." Or, if she does really well and you change your mind, you can join her later.
posted by Sublimity at 7:43 AM on October 22, 2016 [13 favorites]
There are of course strings attached, and that's that your social security number and bank information will be in the hands of people who don't need them. Just politely decline, and tell her she can gift you a car when she earns the money herself.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:47 AM on October 22, 2016 [24 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:47 AM on October 22, 2016 [24 favorites]
If you don't have a "that won't be possible" relationship, tell her that you don't want all that income attributed to your SSN since then you'll be on the line for the income taxes and this could cause you trouble down the line.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:48 AM on October 22, 2016 [51 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:48 AM on October 22, 2016 [51 favorites]
Dear god no.
posted by bdk3clash at 7:51 AM on October 22, 2016 [39 favorites]
posted by bdk3clash at 7:51 AM on October 22, 2016 [39 favorites]
This is a horrible idea. Tell her you are worried about the impact on your taxes. You should not agree to this, at all!
posted by kellyblah at 7:52 AM on October 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by kellyblah at 7:52 AM on October 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
She just needs my social security number and bank account.
No.
posted by FallowKing at 7:58 AM on October 22, 2016 [40 favorites]
No.
posted by FallowKing at 7:58 AM on October 22, 2016 [40 favorites]
Being your mother, she probably has your SSN. Make sure she doesn't get your bank account. Keep an eye on your credit. Fraud alerts are a huge PITA but might be worth considering.
It's a tough thing, but family members can get so into this stuff that they will de facto defraud their parents, kids, siblings. I have known people to whom this has happened. The family member tells themselves that it is really in the best interest of the others, or that it's harmless, and uses their SSN, bank account, etc.
posted by Frowner at 8:02 AM on October 22, 2016 [19 favorites]
It's a tough thing, but family members can get so into this stuff that they will de facto defraud their parents, kids, siblings. I have known people to whom this has happened. The family member tells themselves that it is really in the best interest of the others, or that it's harmless, and uses their SSN, bank account, etc.
posted by Frowner at 8:02 AM on October 22, 2016 [19 favorites]
No no no man i feel like MLMs are like cults, all the peeps i know that are pushing their merch are convinced its the best thing since sliced bread (and you must try it too!) - dont get involved on any level.
posted by speakeasy at 8:07 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by speakeasy at 8:07 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
Big ol' nope. This is basically step one of parental identity theft. As far as how to frame the conversation, that's gonna depend on your relationship, but trust me: this is worth having any level of fight about.
posted by Sternmeyer at 8:08 AM on October 22, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by Sternmeyer at 8:08 AM on October 22, 2016 [14 favorites]
absolutely not. And while the tax excuse is true, I wouldn't use it because I wouldn't want more argument. "No, there's no reason for my information to be part of this, it isn't my project. I wish you a ton of success but I will be staying out of it and just cheering you on."
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:09 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:09 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Absolutely not.
"She says she will do all the work, I'll get the money, and eventually a new car. She just needs my social security number and bank account."
If it weren't your mom, wouldn't you immediately identify this as a scam?
I think you're too worried about pleasing your mom and not worried enough about your own security, financial and otherwise. Say no, say it firmly and repeatedly. You don't have to say a word about whether you think this is a good idea, whether your mom should be involved, etc. Just say no to your own involvement.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:11 AM on October 22, 2016 [38 favorites]
"She says she will do all the work, I'll get the money, and eventually a new car. She just needs my social security number and bank account."
If it weren't your mom, wouldn't you immediately identify this as a scam?
I think you're too worried about pleasing your mom and not worried enough about your own security, financial and otherwise. Say no, say it firmly and repeatedly. You don't have to say a word about whether you think this is a good idea, whether your mom should be involved, etc. Just say no to your own involvement.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:11 AM on October 22, 2016 [38 favorites]
Best answer: I think the "no" aspect is covered well enough, but may I suggest doing a credit freeze? Your mother probably already knows your SSN, and she can figure out your banking information if you've ever written her a check. The freeze will prevent anything stupid from happening if your information does get out, and you can call to lift the freeze temporarily if you need a credit card/mortgage/whatever.
posted by ayerarcturus at 8:12 AM on October 22, 2016 [45 favorites]
posted by ayerarcturus at 8:12 AM on October 22, 2016 [45 favorites]
Hell to the N to the O. The way I would frame this with my mother is "This is a textbook example of a fraud and a scam and I'll have nothing to do with it."
posted by ejs at 8:14 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by ejs at 8:14 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
No.
posted by languagehat at 8:17 AM on October 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 8:17 AM on October 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
That information that she wants to give them is really sensitive. That's why you're saying no, and you're sure she'll understand.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:23 AM on October 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 8:23 AM on October 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
No, please don't give your mom this information.
posted by 41swans at 8:23 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by 41swans at 8:23 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Nope straight out of this.
posted by Alterscape at 8:24 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Alterscape at 8:24 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
This sounds like a great way for your mom to unintentionally commit income tax fraud.
posted by bq at 8:25 AM on October 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by bq at 8:25 AM on October 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
Please please please listen to ayerarcturus and do a credit freeze. Your mom might go ahead and do this anyways, and once it has happened, it's a world of hurt to fix.
posted by canine epigram at 8:28 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by canine epigram at 8:28 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Mom, it's a scam.
But...
No.
But...
No.
But...
No.
But...
Love ya, Mom. Bye!
posted by jon1270 at 8:29 AM on October 22, 2016
But...
No.
But...
No.
But...
No.
But...
Love ya, Mom. Bye!
posted by jon1270 at 8:29 AM on October 22, 2016
Best answer: I did this once for a friend. He was not a scammer; he just believed the MLM's hype, and truly meant well; he just needed another name on it and promised I wouldn't be further involved. I disapprove of MLMs, but I agreed since it sounded like just a formality. But the paperwork was more complicated and had more ongoing responsibilities for me than he realized; he kept having to come back to me apologetically asking for things; a voided check, a signature on something, a fee that he'd pay me for in advance but had to come out of my account, etc. I almost immediately demanded out, and he respected that, but it took time and work to extricate me. I didn't end up losing money or anything, but I think the mess hurt his involvement in it somehow.
So I'd say something like, "Mom, this kind of thing is a commitment; they want multiple names and SSNs because they genuinely require multiple people to be involved. I can't just put my name on documents and realistically expect not to have to share responsibility eventually, but I don't have time or energy to deal with it, and that'll end up hurting you in the end."
posted by xris at 8:40 AM on October 22, 2016 [33 favorites]
So I'd say something like, "Mom, this kind of thing is a commitment; they want multiple names and SSNs because they genuinely require multiple people to be involved. I can't just put my name on documents and realistically expect not to have to share responsibility eventually, but I don't have time or energy to deal with it, and that'll end up hurting you in the end."
posted by xris at 8:40 AM on October 22, 2016 [33 favorites]
Saw the words MLM and Social Security Number. My initial reaction was "HELL NO".
Reading the rest of the question, that's still my answer. "Sorry Mom; I love you, but that just wont be possible."
posted by cgg at 8:40 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
Reading the rest of the question, that's still my answer. "Sorry Mom; I love you, but that just wont be possible."
posted by cgg at 8:40 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
In addition to everything else already mentioned, there's a real possibility that your name will become associated with a scammy company in a way that background checks and possibly things like Google searches will reveal that could cost you employment opportunities and the like.
posted by Candleman at 8:55 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Candleman at 8:55 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
OMFG, are you insane? NO.
posted by holborne at 8:59 AM on October 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by holborne at 8:59 AM on October 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
Nope nope nope nope. It doesn't matter if your mom's intentions are good or not: MLM businesses are scams and if you get involved in like this, you're going to get burned.
posted by colfax at 9:01 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by colfax at 9:01 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Not the worst idea I've ever seen, but tied for second. Just say no. "Sorry Mom, can't."
posted by fixedgear at 9:05 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fixedgear at 9:05 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: All right, thank you guys for the answers, particularly xris. It's good to see from someone else's experience that yeah, nothing is that simple.
"OMFG, are you insane? NO."
Settle down, no I'm not. When you're dealing with your mom who recently lost a son to a heroin overdose and she's processing all the guilt she has from not having been a very good mother to us as children, and how that contributed to my brother's addiction.. it's hard to deny her some kind of comfort.
posted by blackzinfandel at 9:14 AM on October 22, 2016 [21 favorites]
"OMFG, are you insane? NO."
Settle down, no I'm not. When you're dealing with your mom who recently lost a son to a heroin overdose and she's processing all the guilt she has from not having been a very good mother to us as children, and how that contributed to my brother's addiction.. it's hard to deny her some kind of comfort.
posted by blackzinfandel at 9:14 AM on October 22, 2016 [21 favorites]
"I love you mom and I will joyfully give you one of my kidneys should you need it but I do not want these people to have my name or ss#. Absolutely not."
posted by BoscosMom at 9:22 AM on October 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by BoscosMom at 9:22 AM on October 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
she just wants to give something back to me
she's processing all the guilt she has from not having been a very good mother to us as children
If that's what this is about then maybe you can reassure her that you already love her, and this is not the kind of thing you need from her.
posted by jon1270 at 9:31 AM on October 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
she's processing all the guilt she has from not having been a very good mother to us as children
If that's what this is about then maybe you can reassure her that you already love her, and this is not the kind of thing you need from her.
posted by jon1270 at 9:31 AM on October 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: When you're dealing with your mom who recently lost a son to a heroin overdose and she's processing all the guilt she has from not having been a very good mother to us as children, and how that contributed to my brother's addiction.. it's hard to deny her some kind of comfort.
Maybe it would help if you could reframe this from "I could give my grief-stricken mom comfort by doing this" to "I could help my mom avoid bring taken advantage of in her vulnerable grieving state."
I remember your other question about your mom being taken advantage of by someone who claimed to be a medium who could help her connect with your brother on the "other side." The MLM people are taking advantage of her in the same way.
And I'm also sorry for your loss of your brother. You also deserve not to be taken advantage of when you're vulnerable in grief.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:32 AM on October 22, 2016 [55 favorites]
Maybe it would help if you could reframe this from "I could give my grief-stricken mom comfort by doing this" to "I could help my mom avoid bring taken advantage of in her vulnerable grieving state."
I remember your other question about your mom being taken advantage of by someone who claimed to be a medium who could help her connect with your brother on the "other side." The MLM people are taking advantage of her in the same way.
And I'm also sorry for your loss of your brother. You also deserve not to be taken advantage of when you're vulnerable in grief.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:32 AM on October 22, 2016 [55 favorites]
I think we can take the not letting her use your information thing as settled.
On top of that, though: I don't want to alarm you, but I do want to warn you that this MLM thing is likely to affect your mothers' life and yours in other negative ways, and you're probably going to need to start drawing other boundaries and preparing yourself.
If she keeps going hard on the MLM scam, there's a likelihood that she ends up destroying her relationships with friends and family with these types of requests, and also losing a bunch of her own money. If your mother goes broke off this, are you ready to support her, or ready to draw the line that you can't and won't?
As your grandfather's already seen, it can sadly be very hard to convince people of the reality of these scams once the dream has got its hooks into them.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 9:41 AM on October 22, 2016 [11 favorites]
On top of that, though: I don't want to alarm you, but I do want to warn you that this MLM thing is likely to affect your mothers' life and yours in other negative ways, and you're probably going to need to start drawing other boundaries and preparing yourself.
If she keeps going hard on the MLM scam, there's a likelihood that she ends up destroying her relationships with friends and family with these types of requests, and also losing a bunch of her own money. If your mother goes broke off this, are you ready to support her, or ready to draw the line that you can't and won't?
As your grandfather's already seen, it can sadly be very hard to convince people of the reality of these scams once the dream has got its hooks into them.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 9:41 AM on October 22, 2016 [11 favorites]
For what it's worth, there are some previous MLM threads that discuss the few strategies available to try to disabuse the MLM-stricken that MLM is a good idea, with useful links and so on -- I might read through some older Qs on MLMs to read up on them more in case you need to do a little verbal jousting -- "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" is not always as simple as it sounds. It might also help make the boundaries more firm if it is not just "No" but "No, because [authoritative sources]."
My condolences about your brother. Perhaps you can soften the blow here with "That won't be possible. But what WOULD be possible is...[shared activity if you live in the same area? Weekly swim at the pool together followed by a glass of wine, some ritual like that]?"
I almost see MLM victims as analogous in some ways to domestic abuse victims (I've been one, I don't mean to diminish it and many apologies if it comes off that way) -- there're all sorts of parallels. Financial abuse. Cutting one off from friends and family. Dependency on one entity/person (abuser/pyramid scheme). Feeling trapped. Feeling embarrassed (eventually). Isolation. All very depressing. Be there, just not financially.
posted by kmennie at 10:09 AM on October 22, 2016 [12 favorites]
My condolences about your brother. Perhaps you can soften the blow here with "That won't be possible. But what WOULD be possible is...[shared activity if you live in the same area? Weekly swim at the pool together followed by a glass of wine, some ritual like that]?"
I almost see MLM victims as analogous in some ways to domestic abuse victims (I've been one, I don't mean to diminish it and many apologies if it comes off that way) -- there're all sorts of parallels. Financial abuse. Cutting one off from friends and family. Dependency on one entity/person (abuser/pyramid scheme). Feeling trapped. Feeling embarrassed (eventually). Isolation. All very depressing. Be there, just not financially.
posted by kmennie at 10:09 AM on October 22, 2016 [12 favorites]
I'm so sorry for your loss and everything your family has been through.
When you're dealing with your mom who recently lost a son to a heroin overdose and she's processing all the guilt she has from not having been a very good mother to us as children, and how that contributed to my brother's addiction.. it's hard to deny her some kind of comfort.
This isn't a direct answer to your question, but I'm wondering if you've communicated your feelings to her? Is it possible that if you share with her what you've shared in your question, that she'll back out of MLM altogether and see the situation for what it is?
I know it's very hard to talk people out of these things (and that's not your job, of course!) but given the surrounding context of her desire to participate in this, it might be worth sitting with a therapist for a couple of sessions, if nothing else but to help her understand your reasons for not wanting to do it - and to respect those reasons. Like, respecting them enough to not obtain your information even if she believes it's "just a formality." I suggest a therapist because they're an impartial third party, and she's less likely to argue the logic of why she shouldn't participate with someone she doesn't know. I also suggest that because she probably doesn't see how vulnerable she is, or the fact that she's compromising the support network that she has by pressuring people into this.
A bonus would be if she saw her behavior for what it is (guilt, grief, depression, regret, etc...) and stopped participating herself.
posted by onecircleaday at 10:11 AM on October 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
When you're dealing with your mom who recently lost a son to a heroin overdose and she's processing all the guilt she has from not having been a very good mother to us as children, and how that contributed to my brother's addiction.. it's hard to deny her some kind of comfort.
This isn't a direct answer to your question, but I'm wondering if you've communicated your feelings to her? Is it possible that if you share with her what you've shared in your question, that she'll back out of MLM altogether and see the situation for what it is?
I know it's very hard to talk people out of these things (and that's not your job, of course!) but given the surrounding context of her desire to participate in this, it might be worth sitting with a therapist for a couple of sessions, if nothing else but to help her understand your reasons for not wanting to do it - and to respect those reasons. Like, respecting them enough to not obtain your information even if she believes it's "just a formality." I suggest a therapist because they're an impartial third party, and she's less likely to argue the logic of why she shouldn't participate with someone she doesn't know. I also suggest that because she probably doesn't see how vulnerable she is, or the fact that she's compromising the support network that she has by pressuring people into this.
A bonus would be if she saw her behavior for what it is (guilt, grief, depression, regret, etc...) and stopped participating herself.
posted by onecircleaday at 10:11 AM on October 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't think anyone else has mentioned this yet, but, it is quite likely that your Mom already has your social security number. I don't know if she is the type of Mom that, thinking it was in your best interest, would go ahead regardless of your answer, but, even if some time has passed, please do not give her your bank account information and keep an eye on your credit report. I doubt your Mom would go against your wishes (most wouldn't), but just in case. Sometimes people surprise us in unpleasant ways. Best of luck to you, your Mom, & the rest of your family!
posted by katemcd at 3:18 PM on October 23, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by katemcd at 3:18 PM on October 23, 2016 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rockindata at 7:42 AM on October 22, 2016 [61 favorites]