How do I deal with the pain/guilt of not keeping in touch with family?
October 21, 2016 3:56 PM Subscribe
I have social anxiety, and I've put off calling my family members (other than my Mom) for years because I'm afraid/don't know what to say/think they'll reject me. Now it looks like one of them doesn't have much longer to live. How do I not hate myself for putting off getting in touch?
My Great Aunt might not have much longer. I've called and visited her a few times over the years. But, I've been telling myself every day for awhile to call her more frequently, as in a few times a week. Every day I chicken out. She's been sick for awhile and I still couldn't bring myself to call her. Now she's in intensive care, and I'm scared and mourning the times we could have spent together. I would have really liked to have gotten to know her better and spend time with her. And I completely wasted the chance, for years. I've been afraid for awhile that if I didn't start keeping in touch with her, there would come a time when it would be too late. Now it seems like that time is here. I'm not even sure I'll be able to get a ride to see about her, but I'm trying my best there. I've only lost one other person that I'm close to, and that was when I was young. How do I process/deal with/handle the regret?
My Great Aunt might not have much longer. I've called and visited her a few times over the years. But, I've been telling myself every day for awhile to call her more frequently, as in a few times a week. Every day I chicken out. She's been sick for awhile and I still couldn't bring myself to call her. Now she's in intensive care, and I'm scared and mourning the times we could have spent together. I would have really liked to have gotten to know her better and spend time with her. And I completely wasted the chance, for years. I've been afraid for awhile that if I didn't start keeping in touch with her, there would come a time when it would be too late. Now it seems like that time is here. I'm not even sure I'll be able to get a ride to see about her, but I'm trying my best there. I've only lost one other person that I'm close to, and that was when I was young. How do I process/deal with/handle the regret?
Best answer: I find regret evaporates when I work towards fixing what the regret is about. Yes, time is linear and finite. And yeah, we'd be better off if we could make our past selves do better. But it doesn't work that way.
I suggest you try to reach out to family in whatever ways you can bring yourself to do as soon as possible. I have social anxiety, too. It can be the worst. But imagine how much more difficult it'll be to reach out if you wait even longer. It's not likely to get less awkward, and you're just going to feel more regret/guilt in the meantime.
posted by MuppetNavy at 5:01 PM on October 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
I suggest you try to reach out to family in whatever ways you can bring yourself to do as soon as possible. I have social anxiety, too. It can be the worst. But imagine how much more difficult it'll be to reach out if you wait even longer. It's not likely to get less awkward, and you're just going to feel more regret/guilt in the meantime.
posted by MuppetNavy at 5:01 PM on October 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: It's hard when you set up an unrealistic goal. Think about going from no contact to a few times a week. That seems impossible, right? You set yourself up for failure if you set unrealistic goals. No contact to one phone call is achievable and would make both of you feel better. Strive to give yourself achievable goals, not unrealistic ideal goals. Be kind to yourself and try to stop wasting time on regrets. Call or visit your aunt now and be happy because it will be a net benefit to both of your lives. I know it's easier said than done, but try to drop the baggage and just dial the phone. You won't regret that no matter what happened in the past.
posted by JenMarie at 5:42 PM on October 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by JenMarie at 5:42 PM on October 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Get off the internet, write her a letter, send it to someone you know is going to visit her (seriously, you can email it), work on your ride situation, assure yourself you are doing what you can. I totally get the "Just CAN'T make the phone call" situation but there are other ways to get in touch. Find the one you are least avoidant of and do that before you go to bed tonight.
posted by jessamyn at 8:07 PM on October 21, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 8:07 PM on October 21, 2016 [6 favorites]
Do you care about this aunt? Is it important to you to connect to her while she is still here? If so, then call her. Pick up the phone, dial, and say "Hi Auntie, it's Autumn, what's going on? ... Oh let me tell you about this picnic I went on over the weekend... What did Sam say?" Just do it.
But I don't have the sense that you really feel a need to connect with your aunt or other relatives -- it seems more that you feel like you need to, not that you want to. Don't feel like you have to reconnect unless there is a reason to.
posted by OrangeDisk at 8:33 PM on October 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
But I don't have the sense that you really feel a need to connect with your aunt or other relatives -- it seems more that you feel like you need to, not that you want to. Don't feel like you have to reconnect unless there is a reason to.
posted by OrangeDisk at 8:33 PM on October 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Just do it. Stop worrying about what you didn't do in the past. That's the past. You can't do anything about that now. Go do this now so that you won't look back in the future and regret not doing it.
posted by azpenguin at 9:53 PM on October 21, 2016
posted by azpenguin at 9:53 PM on October 21, 2016
jessamyn's suggestion to write a letter is brilliant and may help you longer term. (I know it will help me, who has something of a telephone phobia.)
posted by heatherlogan at 6:10 AM on October 22, 2016
posted by heatherlogan at 6:10 AM on October 22, 2016
Best answer: I hope you can find some compassion for yourself. Social anxiety is real and makes so many things almost unmanageable. You are living life on one of the hardest difficulty settings, and it's not surprising if there are some things that have been a bridge too far. Anxiety doesn't have to be forever, and I hope you're getting support to manage it the best way you can.
It sounds like you are afraid of what might happen if you make contact - as though there will be awkward silences, or you are going to be criticised or yelled at. You can't rule out those possibilities (although I suspect your anxiety is lying to you about how likely they are, and how catastrophic it would be if they did) but I wonder if it would be worth enduring those possibilities to make contact with your aunt? It sounds like it's very important to you, and although it may not be easy, there's still a possibility of making the future different from the past.
Good luck!
posted by Cheese Monster at 5:17 PM on October 22, 2016
It sounds like you are afraid of what might happen if you make contact - as though there will be awkward silences, or you are going to be criticised or yelled at. You can't rule out those possibilities (although I suspect your anxiety is lying to you about how likely they are, and how catastrophic it would be if they did) but I wonder if it would be worth enduring those possibilities to make contact with your aunt? It sounds like it's very important to you, and although it may not be easy, there's still a possibility of making the future different from the past.
Good luck!
posted by Cheese Monster at 5:17 PM on October 22, 2016
Best answer: The thing about anxiety is that the thought of doing something is much more scarier than the actual act of doing the thing. I know from experience both with social anxiety and maybe undiagnosed avoidant personality disorder. If it will make you feel better, prepare some questions you can ask her or some anecdotes you want to share, so you have some notes to fall back on. I mean, if your aunt is sick and might die soon, I doubt when she gets off the phone with you, she will be thinking, "God, Autumn is such an awkward loser and I hated talking to her." No, she will probably just be happy to hear from you and feel like you care about her. So I would stop overthinking and just let your aunt know you love her and you are thinking of her. What will help you not live with regret is probably rectifying this right now while your aunt is still here.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:27 PM on October 22, 2016
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:27 PM on October 22, 2016
Friendly communication is an uneven two-way thing. It is not supposed to be balanced. When you are in conversation you do not say one sentence then stop, wait, listen to the other person say one sentence, and then say your next one sentence. Rather you say an idea and go on until it is a complete thought, and until there is enough interesting stuff said to trigger the other person having something to say to you.
When your friend has just had a new baby they will talk a blue streak, doing a system dump and you will keep nodding and agreeing, "Wow!" and "No kidding!" and they get to do 95% of the talking. You get your turn the day you describe your plan to elope to Ellesmere Island.
If the conversation lags, it is appropriate for the other person to make several attempts to get things going again by introducing different topics, and checking out the mood and situation of the person who is being quiet. "Say, what do you think of the actor they are casting to play Shadow in "American Gods?" "You feeling okay?" "want me to come back later?"
If you are the hostess or host at a party and you notice that you have a shy wallflower who is sitting miserably against the wall trying to make eye contact and getting snubbed, your duty is to trot up to them, chat with them to get them feeling more comfortable and then take them around and introduce them to people who will be nice to them and get them started in conversation together.
The shy wallflower with social anxiety is not expected to carry their side of the conversation. That's not the way it works. People like me, who have trouble shutting up at the best of times are expected to carry the bulk of the conversation, and pay for the privilege of having people listen to us by being very solicitous of the invaluable audience, by trying not to be boring, and making sure that we draw them out and get their opinions and keep the topic on stuff they like and providing them with cups of tea and what not.
So if you have social anxiety, rather than feeling guilty about not having gone more than halfway to keep in touch with your great aunt, perhaps you should ask yourself why you think you should have done more.
It's quite possible that as she grew older she was tired enough that she didn't want a giddy social whirl and if she had wanted to see more of you she would have called you more often and urged you to come visit more often. There is a strong chance that she was competent enough that she got to see people as much as she wanted to.
It's also possible that grief is causing some of that magical thinking: If I don't look away she won't die. ...I looked away too much so now she is dying.
It may be that the regret you are feeling is just a different manifestation of the social anxiety. You think: Aunt and the emotional reaction is close to panic and involves shame. Instead of it being "Aunt will reject me" you are thinking "I have failed Aunt." Biochemically the two emotions are very close.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:45 PM on October 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
When your friend has just had a new baby they will talk a blue streak, doing a system dump and you will keep nodding and agreeing, "Wow!" and "No kidding!" and they get to do 95% of the talking. You get your turn the day you describe your plan to elope to Ellesmere Island.
If the conversation lags, it is appropriate for the other person to make several attempts to get things going again by introducing different topics, and checking out the mood and situation of the person who is being quiet. "Say, what do you think of the actor they are casting to play Shadow in "American Gods?" "You feeling okay?" "want me to come back later?"
If you are the hostess or host at a party and you notice that you have a shy wallflower who is sitting miserably against the wall trying to make eye contact and getting snubbed, your duty is to trot up to them, chat with them to get them feeling more comfortable and then take them around and introduce them to people who will be nice to them and get them started in conversation together.
The shy wallflower with social anxiety is not expected to carry their side of the conversation. That's not the way it works. People like me, who have trouble shutting up at the best of times are expected to carry the bulk of the conversation, and pay for the privilege of having people listen to us by being very solicitous of the invaluable audience, by trying not to be boring, and making sure that we draw them out and get their opinions and keep the topic on stuff they like and providing them with cups of tea and what not.
So if you have social anxiety, rather than feeling guilty about not having gone more than halfway to keep in touch with your great aunt, perhaps you should ask yourself why you think you should have done more.
It's quite possible that as she grew older she was tired enough that she didn't want a giddy social whirl and if she had wanted to see more of you she would have called you more often and urged you to come visit more often. There is a strong chance that she was competent enough that she got to see people as much as she wanted to.
It's also possible that grief is causing some of that magical thinking: If I don't look away she won't die. ...I looked away too much so now she is dying.
It may be that the regret you are feeling is just a different manifestation of the social anxiety. You think: Aunt and the emotional reaction is close to panic and involves shame. Instead of it being "Aunt will reject me" you are thinking "I have failed Aunt." Biochemically the two emotions are very close.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:45 PM on October 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
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