Creating unspoken boundaries in new/casual relationships?

October 19, 2016 1:43 AM

How do I create subtle boundaries with someone I just started casually dating without pushing them away? I want to give it a chance and see where it goes, but I don't want to get too attached while it is still casual.

I recently started seeing someone who is fresh out of a long-term relationship and doesn't want to seriously date/be monogamous right now. I am completely fine with this. I've been there and understand the time/space it takes to go into something new with a clear head.

My problem is that the way they are acting towards me goes completely against what they say they want. We see each other regularly, do really romantic things together, and they are constantly telling me how much they like me. I am more reserved about things with them, but if they keep showering me with attention I am going to let my guard down and start returning the level of affection.

I am worried that their actions are just a result of their personality and not because they think we actually have something special. Also, I'm worried that we are creating a weird dynamic by simultaneously keeping each other at arms length. People have a tendency to want what they can't have and I can't tell if that is what is going on in my own head, let alone theirs.

I am ultimately looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, but I am comfortable living in the moment until I find that person. However, my last serious relationship ended because they couldn't commit in any way and the whole thing left me very heartbroken.

The intensity of our interactions feels great and I want to give it a chance, but I'm worried that all this bonding is going to put me in too serious of a headspace too soon. I want to avoid being a rebound (read: collateral damage), but I would have a harder time forgiving myself for not giving it a chance than I would have eventually being dumped.

I need some ideas for how to keep things moving slowly without actually telling this person 'HEY STOP BEING SO GREAT'. Ideally, these would be things I could just keep in my head and act accordingly, without actually verbalizing them to the other person. I have a tendency to come across kind of harshly and I don't want this person to think I don't appreciate the way they are treating me.

Thank you in advance for your undoubtedly insightful advice.

posted by prism4tic to Human Relations (6 answers total)

Best answer: I think you do need to talk to them, the answer to this isn't something you need to change in yourself. It doesn't have to be "stop being so great", it can just be "can we just check-in on how we both feel?". It might feel overly pushy or needy but it's a mature way to do relationships, whether they're casual or serious, and communication is totally vital wherever you are on that spectrum for fun and healthy times.

If you look at it pragmatically, there are no downsides to this - either they will say "yes actually I really like you, and I've changed my mind about the keeping-it-casual thing". Or, they will acknowledge that they've been overstepping their own line that they've set and step back, which will help you keep your distance. Or I guess they might be weird about it (you're reading too much into this/hey just go with it babe/other things that mean "I don't care about your feelings") and then you know that they're an asshat.

I mean non-pragmatically there are downsides, in that it'll hurt if you find out that they're an asshat and have to stop seeing them and having this nice time you've been having. But I'd rather know.

Anyway, I think some people will probably chime in with the AskMe favourite "make words come out of your face", which makes it sound really simple to have a conversation that might be quite difficult for some. But you've identified the risk, which is your feelings being carried away and then crushed, so at the point which that risk becomes too big for your liking, please do talk to this person, however hard it is to bring up, so that you mitigate that risk.
posted by greenish at 4:04 AM on October 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: It’s possible that their definition of casual and your definition of casual are different. Like, they’re ready and willing to go all in emotionally but aren’t willing to make a commitment to monogamy or a long term relationship. If you discover that’s the case, you’ll need to decide if YOU can handle that or if it feels unsafe to you.

(For me, artificially limiting my connection to someone sucks for my mental health and causes problems in the relationship. It seems like other people can do this effectively, but think about whether it would work for you.)
posted by metasarah at 6:31 AM on October 19, 2016

My problem is that the way they are acting towards me goes completely against what they say they want.

I had this experience recently and it was really difficult; while at the beginning I didn't feel attached to this person and was fine with the idea of something casual, after a few months of that kind of behavior, I got attached. Then they got overwhelmed by the intensity and it ended; it turned out that what they said they wanted (nothing serious) was accurate in terms of what they actually had the capacity for at that moment, even if some part of them was enjoying (and initiating) a lot of intense closeness. Talking about it throughout (I'd pointed out that they had said they didn't want anything serious but were behaving like they wanted a lot of closeness) ultimately didn't help.

My current take on this is that this sort of thing (behavior and words sending opposite messages) can be a stress or trauma response. Talk about it but keep in mind they might not be able to control it and talking about it might not help.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:12 AM on October 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was recently in a very similar situation, and I have to agree that a) you should talk about it, and b) you should trust yourself to recognize when behaviour and words don't line up, and maintain your boundaries based on behaviour.
posted by Edna Million at 10:40 AM on October 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

If you can already sense that putting up "subtle" boundaries to curb this mixed-message behavior is going push him away, chances are this is not a good arrangement for you -- not because of you, but because he's not in the headspace to respectfully be with *anybody*. He's probably carrying over a lot of affectionate behavior momentum from his last relationship, and even though you've both defined it as casual, he's using you as his niche for expressing those unrequited feelings for his ex. I would try setting a boundary, and if he refuses to understand why his super-affectionate behavior is not conducive to a casual relationship, then you know: he's using you as a rebound to manage unrequited feelings about his ex, and this relationship is probably not going anywhere that's going to do you much good.
posted by human ecologist at 12:56 PM on October 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Nthing human ecologist's comment about 'affectionate behaviour momentum' from a previous relationship.

When I was fresh out of a six year relationship, I easily fell into affectionate and intimate behaviours with brand new guys even though I wasn't ready for anything serious. Nicknames I had for my former love just popped out of my mouth. I missed and craved the closeness I had lost. This could be what's causing your person to send mixed signals.

I'm not a fan of having to keep a lid on big feelings to avoid scaring someone off. You'll already be hurt if it ends now, right? So I don't think there's anything to be lost by telling them what you told us.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 3:26 PM on October 19, 2016 [4 favorites]