How to get rid of sentimental objects?
October 18, 2016 3:06 PM   Subscribe

Do you have any tips, tricks or mantras that help you detach from objects and/or reframing the need to document memories?

I recently moved and due to being in a rush, did not have the time to go through my belongings and purge. I am now in the midst of that process and am getting stuck on objects and the memories attached to them.

Some of it seems to boil down to that a fear that if I throw something out, I may lose the memory attached to it. For example, I have thousands of pictures. What if I throw out that blurry image of my uncle walking down the street in Washington DC? Nobody will ever know that happened. I know that is ok, but it makes part of me feel sad.

I know that when I finally get rid of things, I feel better and more free; I don't have as much weighing me down.
posted by retrofitted to Home & Garden (22 answers total) 29 users marked this as a favorite
 
Love people, use things.
posted by trinity8-director at 3:10 PM on October 18, 2016 [8 favorites]


Put the object somewhere really out of context. So drop the snapshot of your uncle on the ground outside or stick it to the ceiling in the bathroom. If your instinct is still to "rescue" it, then keep it, if not, that's a sign you're not as attached as you thought.
posted by girlgenius at 3:18 PM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm sort of going through this right now, in that I had to watch two beloved people's houses being emptied after their deaths.

In both cases, their houses were chock, chock full of a million memories. One of them had some recorded VHS tapes of 1980s PBS TV shows, and she wouldn't have thrown them out if you paid her. Their heirs said to me, "come over to the houses, and take anything you want." I went over and took three or four things; a quilt, a musical instrument, a neat thermometer. (I cherish these items, because now I will remember my loved ones through them.)

But then I watched the heirs as they begged other people to take things, and after everything desired was taken, hardly a dent had been made in the large piles of stuff that remained. Professional estate sale people came in, and sold a few more things, but there was still tons, tons of stuff left over. Furniture. Recipe cards in cute boxes. Swan figurines.

And as I left after watching the last estate person leave, I thought, "you know what? NONE of this stuff matters anymore. The people who cared are dead. The memories died with them, and no one else will EVER have those exact memories. It's all just stuff, destined for a recycle bin or what have you."

After seeing all that stuff now rendered completely useless, I am trying to apply it to my own life. It's just stuff. My memories are mine, and they'll die with me. My only heir, my nephew, will not give a shit about 98% of it. I'm just a speck of dust in the universe. It doesn't matter. I don't need to save most of my stuff.

Anyway, that's how I'm trying to frame it.
posted by Melismata at 3:22 PM on October 18, 2016 [22 favorites]


I have one folder of memories, and I usually forget about it, but when I bump into it, it's a joy. I last bumped into it 2 years ago when moving, and there were cards in there I'd forgotten about, and it was really, really lovely to spend 10 minutes looking through them. And now everything's back in the folder for the next time I'm going through those papers.

Pictures are so easy to save. Photo albums are cheap, and they're nice to flip through when you want to look back, and only take a book's space on the bookshelf.

If it's large items, you may have to make some hard calls, but for things that can go in a folder with other important documents, or photos you can put in an album, it's not a mass of cruft that gets in the way.
posted by colin_l at 3:28 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Digitise everything (and make plenty of back-ups). For larger objects, take a photo, and ditch the object.
posted by lollusc at 3:31 PM on October 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


I read Apartment Therapy when I was transitioning from a 4 bedroom Victorian to an open floor plan loft, and it really helped me understand my relationship with stuff and how to move beyond it.
posted by ananci at 3:34 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Count size and uniqueness inversely, then multiply by intensity of emotions elicited. Printed photos are tiny in weight and volume, and are almost always one of a kind. Other things may also elicit strong memories, but photos are also good for showing to other people, unlike your favorite t-shirt from college. So if you like a photo pretty good, you should keep it.

That plastic toy from childhood? That tourist swag from a pretty decent trip eight years ago? There are millions of the same or similar, more than a few takes up space, dollars, and intellectual processing load for storage and retrieval. Take a photo of it next to a note about it and then donate it or throw it out.

It's OK to be a little sad when you donate or throw away old things you like. But that doesn't mean it won't also be good for you. And if you're more than a little sad about ditching one thing, reconsider the big picture and your motives and what else you might ditch in order to save that thing.
posted by SaltySalticid at 3:38 PM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I have found that baby steps help. I had to put my stuff in storage for 3 years and I thought I had culled it as well as humanly possible. When I got it out of storage I threw away at least 1/3 of the non-furniture items I had stored since I realized I hadn't missed them at all.

Obviously you can't repeat this exercise in it's entirety but if you can't bear to part with things now but don't actually need them, box them up for a year and see how you feel when you open them up. If you're excited to have it back in your life, keep it. If your reaction is more "meh, whatever", just throw it away. If you didn't need it for that year and didn't miss it, you don't need it.
posted by scrute at 3:39 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


To use your example, unflattering photos (including photos of you) do not honor their subjects and should be ditched. Photos without people in them, unless really singular subjects like, say, the Great Wall of China or the Grand Canyon can be ditched. Random autumn tree or rosebush photos can go. The leaves always change, the flowers bloom again.
posted by jgirl at 3:52 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


How often do you look at that blurry photo of your uncle? Do you know there are photos you love in that box that you aren't enjoying because of all the just-okay ones? If you wouldn't put it in a photo album, it's almost certainly not worth keeping. Put the rest in an album.

I know a lot of people think she sounds awful, but Mari Kondo / KonMari is super-helpful for sentimental things, partly because you start with things that are easier to toss and work your way in.

And if you really have to, get a cheapy scanner off Amazon for ~$20, most snapshots are low-resolution enough that you don't need to worry about making really excellent copies of them.
posted by momus_window at 5:27 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm doing a purge now; coming at it from melismata's angle - if I were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, what would I want leave behind for my relatives to deal with?
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:14 PM on October 18, 2016


Pictures are just gone, if you get rid of them. I have to say that a time to time catharsis, via looking at pictures is a great thing. I have a box with about 40 pounds of pictures, back three generations. My kids took hardly any. But now I have become the family genealogist. The pictures will be copied and the whole thing digitized. Other stuff not so much, really. Just because someone else owned it, does not mean it has meaning for you. The important thing is to make sure you have a trust for your descendants. Get that done, the whatever you throw out is your business.
posted by Oyéah at 6:54 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


My late aunt taught me this: "You can throw this away when you're tired of it, because I know you don't need it to remember me by." I've found that immensely helpful in decluttering and moving. I don't have to hold on to sentimental things because they're not required for me to keep the memories.
posted by rhiannonstone at 7:33 PM on October 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I am in the process of packing for a large move to another country. I read Mari Kondo and it helped me with several rounds of purging. Here is what am doing:
* Ruthlessly went through clothing. Any clothes that do not fit go, especially sentimental stuff when I was young and thin. With clothes it is about the future not ruminating about the past;
* The husband went through his books and found electronic versions before donating the hardcopy
* digitize all photos and only keep intact albums whose physical integrity is essential to the photos
* Every week at least one bag of donations must leave the house
* Items earmarked for people to receive

I like the idea of taking a quick snapshot of an item for the passing memory. But you will start to find as you let go of things that it becomes easier as you curate your memories and the items that occupy space. I really recommend reading Mari Kondo, it let me really think about my relationship to stuff. Because in the end, it is just stuff.
posted by jadepearl at 8:12 PM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Some things I've held onto for years, usually without seeing them, and that have been hard to do anything with I've recently begun using again, as just ordinary things. For example, the cashmere sweater that was my grandmother's but is too small for me? I let my tween wear it, knowing it will be damaged or even destroyed, because that creates a tie between these two people that I love. The sweater doesn't stay with me as long, but the sheer number of minutes I see it and think about it and my grandmother is far higher because it's not in a cedar chest.

My grandmother and great-grandmother made doilies. Lots of them. They're seriously old and precious, and totally not my taste. So I've been giving them to artists to use for their patterns and textures. Again, I never see the doilies when they're in the chest, but I see the art made from them, and know that my artist friends grew artistically from them. And the fact that they're now covered with paint, or clay, or glue is irrelevant. They're preserved in another form.

I do not (cannot) ruthlessly purge. The need to label it "ruthless" tells me it's unpleasant, painful, and ugly. Nor are you stuck on things. You're clearly stuck on memories. So I feel your pain, and suggest not that you detach, but instead that you think a bit out of the box about these things. Maybe use photos to write lists and notes on, so that during the brief period while you're using them, the memories are activated? I am more comfortable with that kind of solution than just trashing things and hoping I feel better, and not worse, after it's all gone.
posted by Capri at 9:19 PM on October 18, 2016 [7 favorites]


I went through a box of papers and junk and scanned/photographed them and threw the originals away. Now I can still look at them if I want to, but they don't take up any space.
posted by intensitymultiply at 3:05 AM on October 19, 2016


I found Marie Kondo's advice to thank objects really helpful. I find there's an element of guilt associated with sentimental items, maybe I feel guilty because I don't spend enough time with the person who gave it to me, or I feel obligated to keep it, I don't know. But acknowledging the purpose it served and thanking it for its service weirdly helps me let it go.

So thank you photo of uncle in DC, you did a good job reminding me of that trip but it wasn't a major life moment and I remember my uncle fondly on many other occasions so I'm going to let you go now.
posted by kitten magic at 3:48 AM on October 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


Yes, cheesy as it sounds: KonMari, and her method of thanking objects for a job well done. In the case of the photos, scan them, upload them to Google Photos or your photo-storage solution of choice, thank them for reminding you of that time and place with your uncle, then ceremoniously place them in the box which you will then take to the garbage. I said goodbye to a lot of things that way and my life is freer for it.
posted by AmandaA at 7:09 AM on October 19, 2016


it really helped me to take pictures. with things being digital now, it's so easy. scan your photos or ship 'em to a company to scan for a small price. if you have a little figurine from moscow that makes you remember that time you were kissed in the rain, then take a picture of it, save the picture, and give away the figurine. for things like cards and stuff i have a "memory" box that things get put in. when it is full, i go through it and purge the things that are no longer precious, and keep the few things that are, and then repeat.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:14 AM on October 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


I am echoing others - I find the Kondo "thank stuff for its service" thing utterly ridiculous for, like, pajamas, but it really really helps with sentimental or emotionally attached objects.

It may also help to think of the throwing away as a little burial; instead of trying to avoid the sense of loss, understand that the loss is part of it, part of moving on. It's OK to feel sad about throwing something away; the sadness is a natural part of time passing, not a sign that you should cling to the thing in question.
posted by superfluousm at 9:26 AM on October 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


I went through boxes of childhood things with my mother and sister and we looked at everything and talked about the memory together before throwing things away.

When I was little I had hoarder-ish tendencies that occasionally pop up and now I say, "This needs to be thrown away, but I can't do it. Can you throw it away for me?"
posted by meemzi at 5:49 PM on October 19, 2016


Before my last big move, I took photos of all of the random sentimental things I wanted to keep — including old photos, greeting cards, etc — and then tossed them.

Every once in a while I open the photos (on my computer, of course!) to look through. I find I kept the items mostly to be able to recall the memory of a time or place.
posted by lukez at 3:57 PM on October 20, 2016


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