i've got major mama drama, and i need help
October 17, 2016 1:53 PM Subscribe
I grew up with two severely mentally ill parents, but my mother's rejection is what has scarred me for life. Details within..
Hey guys. I've posted before about the severe abuse I endured right up until I moved out of my parents' home. My father is a clinically assessed psychopath and to this day, whenever I'm physically around him, my whole body goes weak and I start to feel ill. There's nothing I can do about what happened to me under his thumb, and I've for the most part accepted that it is a part of my past. Here is what I am struggling with now. It's gotten really bad I would say in only the last few years, in the sense that I've finally put it together that my mom's coldness, rejection and lack of love for me has affected my health and the course of my life more than anything he had ever done.
I could say a lot here, but I don't want to write a novel. I've felt my entire life that I was trapped in a Kafka story. I'll give you a handful of examples of my mother's character and cold behavior toward me:
At some point when I was around eleven-twelve, so heading into puberty and really needing my mom at this time, my mother stopped telling me she loved me. I know this because I remember very specifically asking her something I'd never asked before (because up until this point I'd never needed to question it), "Do you love me?" That question alone marked the beginning of the end of my relationship with her. Most recently, at 30, I asked her about that during a phone call. She said that she didn't need to tell me, that she was offended at my very absurd question, and that once a year she gets me a greeting card that tells me everything I need to know. That was literally what she said, and had become very agitated almost instantly at my asking her this. My voice was weak as I said, "Mom... I can't explain it but I need to hear you say it, and you haven't said it for a long, long time." She told me that she could not.
When I was around 17, I had a mental health emergency. I pleaded to be taken to the hospital, because I was getting ready to hang myself in my closet. My mother called my aunt over and instead of taking me right away, they dawdled around downstairs doing god knows what for nearly two hours. My mother came upstairs and started pummeling me so hard that I zoned out, and it was only when I was questioned in the hospital about why my entire left arm was bruised that I remembered she had done it. When they asked her, she lied and said she had no idea where the bruising came from. They believed her. While I was still in the hospital, shorty before being discharged, she came by and told me they'd get me a dog when I got out, and a new bed (I'd had the same bed in my late teens as the one in childhood). I was so happy to hear that, especially about the dog. Keep in mind, I was extremely suicidal, so the idea of a little animal buddy gave me some kind of hope. After I got home, those plans were almost instantly scrapped. For nearly a year, my mother would pull out the hospital bill from this visit, and say, "Look how much that visit cost us! I'm still paying for this!"
About a year ago, I told her, for the first time in my life, everything my dad did to me (the horrific physical abuse bordering on torture). Her response, word-for-word, was this: "I wasn't there, so I can't take sides. Besides, how could he have done that stuff when he was at work?" I can't describe here how I felt that day. There are simply no words to describe the sense of betrayal and pain.
I have had an eating disorder for a very long time. Now that I'm getting older, the physical damage it has caused is catching up to me and I finally have gotten so sick of it that I decided to start the process of healing. I called her and nervously told her that I made an appointment with my Dr's office. When I called the office, I spoke to one of the nurses and her response was, "I have a daughter your age. This is terrible. We're going to help you." My mother's response was, "What..? You're breaking up. I'll call you right back." As soon as she hung up, I knew there would be no call back. A week later she called about something unrelated and I said, "Why didn't you call me back that day last week? I was in the middle of telling you about something pretty serious and I really need to tell someone." She said she didn't recall every hearing about any eating disorder.
These examples go on ad infinitum and I'm sure by now you have the gist. My mother is severely ill now. Her body is breaking down. I've always thought that her fatal mistake was the decision to marry my father, and later her unwillingness/inability to get away from him. I think he broke her. He must have, for what else could cool the heart of a once loving woman? What stirred up the need to post this question was this amazing video I just watched about the mother of a transgendered child: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epDPui27QZQ
I cried as I realized, this is the kind of mother any kid could ever hope for. Her openness, love, acceptance, the way she shows affection to her kid. I didn't even feel jealous. I just cried that such a lovely mother exists somewhere out there.
I don't have a specific question so much as I have a need for some advice, guidance, support? especially now that I'm faced with her potential untimely demise from this life. I'm pretty fragile right now. (Yes, I've done therapy for years. Right now it would feel helpful to hear from "real people".)
Hey guys. I've posted before about the severe abuse I endured right up until I moved out of my parents' home. My father is a clinically assessed psychopath and to this day, whenever I'm physically around him, my whole body goes weak and I start to feel ill. There's nothing I can do about what happened to me under his thumb, and I've for the most part accepted that it is a part of my past. Here is what I am struggling with now. It's gotten really bad I would say in only the last few years, in the sense that I've finally put it together that my mom's coldness, rejection and lack of love for me has affected my health and the course of my life more than anything he had ever done.
I could say a lot here, but I don't want to write a novel. I've felt my entire life that I was trapped in a Kafka story. I'll give you a handful of examples of my mother's character and cold behavior toward me:
At some point when I was around eleven-twelve, so heading into puberty and really needing my mom at this time, my mother stopped telling me she loved me. I know this because I remember very specifically asking her something I'd never asked before (because up until this point I'd never needed to question it), "Do you love me?" That question alone marked the beginning of the end of my relationship with her. Most recently, at 30, I asked her about that during a phone call. She said that she didn't need to tell me, that she was offended at my very absurd question, and that once a year she gets me a greeting card that tells me everything I need to know. That was literally what she said, and had become very agitated almost instantly at my asking her this. My voice was weak as I said, "Mom... I can't explain it but I need to hear you say it, and you haven't said it for a long, long time." She told me that she could not.
When I was around 17, I had a mental health emergency. I pleaded to be taken to the hospital, because I was getting ready to hang myself in my closet. My mother called my aunt over and instead of taking me right away, they dawdled around downstairs doing god knows what for nearly two hours. My mother came upstairs and started pummeling me so hard that I zoned out, and it was only when I was questioned in the hospital about why my entire left arm was bruised that I remembered she had done it. When they asked her, she lied and said she had no idea where the bruising came from. They believed her. While I was still in the hospital, shorty before being discharged, she came by and told me they'd get me a dog when I got out, and a new bed (I'd had the same bed in my late teens as the one in childhood). I was so happy to hear that, especially about the dog. Keep in mind, I was extremely suicidal, so the idea of a little animal buddy gave me some kind of hope. After I got home, those plans were almost instantly scrapped. For nearly a year, my mother would pull out the hospital bill from this visit, and say, "Look how much that visit cost us! I'm still paying for this!"
About a year ago, I told her, for the first time in my life, everything my dad did to me (the horrific physical abuse bordering on torture). Her response, word-for-word, was this: "I wasn't there, so I can't take sides. Besides, how could he have done that stuff when he was at work?" I can't describe here how I felt that day. There are simply no words to describe the sense of betrayal and pain.
I have had an eating disorder for a very long time. Now that I'm getting older, the physical damage it has caused is catching up to me and I finally have gotten so sick of it that I decided to start the process of healing. I called her and nervously told her that I made an appointment with my Dr's office. When I called the office, I spoke to one of the nurses and her response was, "I have a daughter your age. This is terrible. We're going to help you." My mother's response was, "What..? You're breaking up. I'll call you right back." As soon as she hung up, I knew there would be no call back. A week later she called about something unrelated and I said, "Why didn't you call me back that day last week? I was in the middle of telling you about something pretty serious and I really need to tell someone." She said she didn't recall every hearing about any eating disorder.
These examples go on ad infinitum and I'm sure by now you have the gist. My mother is severely ill now. Her body is breaking down. I've always thought that her fatal mistake was the decision to marry my father, and later her unwillingness/inability to get away from him. I think he broke her. He must have, for what else could cool the heart of a once loving woman? What stirred up the need to post this question was this amazing video I just watched about the mother of a transgendered child: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epDPui27QZQ
I cried as I realized, this is the kind of mother any kid could ever hope for. Her openness, love, acceptance, the way she shows affection to her kid. I didn't even feel jealous. I just cried that such a lovely mother exists somewhere out there.
I don't have a specific question so much as I have a need for some advice, guidance, support? especially now that I'm faced with her potential untimely demise from this life. I'm pretty fragile right now. (Yes, I've done therapy for years. Right now it would feel helpful to hear from "real people".)
This book on overcoming trauma from emotional child abuse is helping me a lot and I would recommend it for anyone with mentally ill parents:
You are not alone. There is a huge support group for people like us on Reddit: r/raisedbynarcissists. Please consider joining. It's a safe space. And feel free to send me MeFiMail. I've been through some similar shit.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 2:36 PM on October 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
You are not alone. There is a huge support group for people like us on Reddit: r/raisedbynarcissists. Please consider joining. It's a safe space. And feel free to send me MeFiMail. I've been through some similar shit.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 2:36 PM on October 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
If you were living near me I'd meet you for tea and hug you.
posted by amtho at 2:41 PM on October 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by amtho at 2:41 PM on October 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: 1. When pondering existential questions, there naturally tends to be much focus on parents and whether or not they wanted you. At some point in my life, I realized my parents really were not aribtors of anything and ultimately their opinion did not matter. They were a vessel through which life perpetuated itself and my existence was so much more than them. As Deiderata puts it - “You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."
2. Would it help you to think of your mother as incapable? You seem to have accepted this about your father, IE, you mention his clinical diagnosis. Can you accept that your mother may also be fundamentally incapable, rather than purposefully denying or malicious? I don't know if this will help you or not, but it helped me. Think of her as a limited vessel, only able to hold this much attention or this much care. Try to pity her if you can. She has failed and she is "broken" as you put it. She is not "winning" against you, but rather, she is "losing" and cannot realize it or fix it.
posted by stockpuppet at 2:50 PM on October 17, 2016 [19 favorites]
2. Would it help you to think of your mother as incapable? You seem to have accepted this about your father, IE, you mention his clinical diagnosis. Can you accept that your mother may also be fundamentally incapable, rather than purposefully denying or malicious? I don't know if this will help you or not, but it helped me. Think of her as a limited vessel, only able to hold this much attention or this much care. Try to pity her if you can. She has failed and she is "broken" as you put it. She is not "winning" against you, but rather, she is "losing" and cannot realize it or fix it.
posted by stockpuppet at 2:50 PM on October 17, 2016 [19 favorites]
I am so sorry your mother was not, is not, will likely never be the mom you want, need, or deserve. While my experience was not nearly as severe or traumatic, I empathize and relate... your mom is your mom, and that she's deteriorating I'm sure brings up thoughts about final reconciliations, or finding some peace before it's too late and she's gone; however unlikely the chances are of you not being let down, yet again, by her. (I got lucky and had a good 18 months with mine before she unexpectedly died - largely because she was finally properly medicated.)
- You have to 'do right by you', I think. No one's looking out for that but you. If that means trying to help her through this, do it because you're getting something you need from it, not out of duty or guilt, or to please her. If walking away is the best for you, do it. This and many other communities can and will support you.
- Think about regret - what will you regret not doing or saying when she's gone?
It sucks. It really, really sucks and I'm sending all the hugs and comfort the internet can carry your way.
Feel free to memail me, if you like.
posted by ApathyGirl at 2:50 PM on October 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
- You have to 'do right by you', I think. No one's looking out for that but you. If that means trying to help her through this, do it because you're getting something you need from it, not out of duty or guilt, or to please her. If walking away is the best for you, do it. This and many other communities can and will support you.
- Think about regret - what will you regret not doing or saying when she's gone?
It sucks. It really, really sucks and I'm sending all the hugs and comfort the internet can carry your way.
Feel free to memail me, if you like.
posted by ApathyGirl at 2:50 PM on October 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
The peace I came to in my late twenties with what all happened was: she did the best she could with the tools she had - which were very, very limited and often broken - and with very little by way of a support system to help her. That she had shitty tools isn't my fault, and isn't entirely hers either. That toolbox was handed down from her shitty, abusive, alcoholic father. She did better than he did, by a wide margin, but the tools were still broken.
YMMV, of course.
posted by ApathyGirl at 3:00 PM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
YMMV, of course.
posted by ApathyGirl at 3:00 PM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
I feel for you. I have a very complicated mother -- I never spent much time with her as a child aside from the couple of years I lived with her, in that window between little kid time and puberty time, and while she was never physically abusive she definitely wreaked havoc on me in other ways. We've been estranged for the better part of the past 20 years, and maybe 12 or 13 years ago I heard that she'd been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which explains a lot, but doesn't make it all better. Anyway, long story short, it was my birthday last week, and I drunkenly made the mistake of sending her a Facebook message that just said "hi, mom", and a couple of days later I had a note in my Facebook inbox from her that made it clear nothing has really changed. She's still the same mean, childish hag she's always been. She's not capable of changing. And it HURTS to know that, it really does. My mom can't grow up and be the mom I want or need, not now, not ever. But... honestly, now I feel like I stand a better chance of letting go and actually healing. I don't have to sit around waiting and hoping anymore that my mom's going to be what I need and want her to be. I have other people to give me a little bit of what I'm missing from her, I can give myself that kind of love. Do I feel guilty for not responding to her note? A little bit, because she's my mom. But then I stop and ask myself, has she ever shown remorse for any of the hell she put me through as a child? NO. No, she never has, and I'm willing to wager she never will. That would require her to own up to her own actions, which again, she's not capable of doing.
I don't want to armchair diagnose your mom, but... mentally healthy people don't behave the way you've described her behavior. Regardless of whether she came into her marriage already mentally unhealthy or arrived there after exposure to your father, the fact of the matter is, she's not mentally well. Maybe it would help you to reframe her actions as an expression of her own mental illness, and not about your worth as a person. Because you have worth. You deserve to be here on this planet, you deserve to be happy and loved and to feel safe. I'm so sorry that you didn't get the kind of mom that you needed, but you don't have to hold space for the mom you got just because she gave birth to you. It is okay to let go of her, to find sources of love that nourish you and make you feel more whole. It is more than okay to be that source of love for yourself, to be your own mom for a bit. You know exactly what a good mom looks like to you, so... be one, for the little kid that still lives inside you. Especially right now, when you need kindness more than ever. If you need permission from an outside source to give yourself this love, to mother yourself for a while, then you've got my permission.
posted by palomar at 3:10 PM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
I don't want to armchair diagnose your mom, but... mentally healthy people don't behave the way you've described her behavior. Regardless of whether she came into her marriage already mentally unhealthy or arrived there after exposure to your father, the fact of the matter is, she's not mentally well. Maybe it would help you to reframe her actions as an expression of her own mental illness, and not about your worth as a person. Because you have worth. You deserve to be here on this planet, you deserve to be happy and loved and to feel safe. I'm so sorry that you didn't get the kind of mom that you needed, but you don't have to hold space for the mom you got just because she gave birth to you. It is okay to let go of her, to find sources of love that nourish you and make you feel more whole. It is more than okay to be that source of love for yourself, to be your own mom for a bit. You know exactly what a good mom looks like to you, so... be one, for the little kid that still lives inside you. Especially right now, when you need kindness more than ever. If you need permission from an outside source to give yourself this love, to mother yourself for a while, then you've got my permission.
posted by palomar at 3:10 PM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you (and to others in this thread).
Honestly, and this may sound terrible, but one thing that has made it easier to move past how terrible and abusive my father was to all of us when I was growing up was seeing him grow feeble and weak after three strokes. He literally doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore, and while I still have deep feelings regarding all of this—I feel anger that he wasn't who I needed him to be, and I feel some shame that I wasn't able to connect with him very well until that happened, as well as that I don't always live up to my own or anyone else's expectations of me as a caregiver—seeing that has helped. It has also helped that he has realized, finally, the effect some of what he did had upon us, now that he's unable to do anything but think and reflect on the past. And I've also moved beyond caring as much what other people think about my caregiving or lack thereof. They didn't have to live with him when they were growing up, and as has been noted above, his illness is not my responsibility. He wouldn't have ended up alone and sick if he hadn't been abusive to the point that my mother finally left him. So now he's in a nursing home, and he has people there to care for him, even when I'm not up for visiting him myself (and even when he's a jerk, because they're paid to be there).
In your case, there's no guarantee that your mother will ever reach the marginal place of understanding my father has, and you can't wait for her to do so. Mindfulness helps, though—working on being able to sit with the feelings you have about your mother and her interactions with you and your father and acknowledge the feelings without letting them control you. Regardless of what you experienced growing up, you are your own person, and now more than ever you have to stand tall and make your own way.
Do you have siblings? This is harder if you don't, as the burden of any end-of-life caregiving can end up falling upon your shoulders by default. Any burden of caregiving for an uncaring parent can feel like too much. So if you do have siblings, insist upon getting assistance with what they can manage to do, even if you're in the circumstance I am, with a sibling out of state and you being the closest potential caregiver. Do not take your mother into your own home, even if she ends up in need as a result of her illness.
Other people can probably give more objective advice, but from one person who has been there to another, I wish you well! Take care.
posted by limeonaire at 4:29 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Honestly, and this may sound terrible, but one thing that has made it easier to move past how terrible and abusive my father was to all of us when I was growing up was seeing him grow feeble and weak after three strokes. He literally doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore, and while I still have deep feelings regarding all of this—I feel anger that he wasn't who I needed him to be, and I feel some shame that I wasn't able to connect with him very well until that happened, as well as that I don't always live up to my own or anyone else's expectations of me as a caregiver—seeing that has helped. It has also helped that he has realized, finally, the effect some of what he did had upon us, now that he's unable to do anything but think and reflect on the past. And I've also moved beyond caring as much what other people think about my caregiving or lack thereof. They didn't have to live with him when they were growing up, and as has been noted above, his illness is not my responsibility. He wouldn't have ended up alone and sick if he hadn't been abusive to the point that my mother finally left him. So now he's in a nursing home, and he has people there to care for him, even when I'm not up for visiting him myself (and even when he's a jerk, because they're paid to be there).
In your case, there's no guarantee that your mother will ever reach the marginal place of understanding my father has, and you can't wait for her to do so. Mindfulness helps, though—working on being able to sit with the feelings you have about your mother and her interactions with you and your father and acknowledge the feelings without letting them control you. Regardless of what you experienced growing up, you are your own person, and now more than ever you have to stand tall and make your own way.
Do you have siblings? This is harder if you don't, as the burden of any end-of-life caregiving can end up falling upon your shoulders by default. Any burden of caregiving for an uncaring parent can feel like too much. So if you do have siblings, insist upon getting assistance with what they can manage to do, even if you're in the circumstance I am, with a sibling out of state and you being the closest potential caregiver. Do not take your mother into your own home, even if she ends up in need as a result of her illness.
Other people can probably give more objective advice, but from one person who has been there to another, I wish you well! Take care.
posted by limeonaire at 4:29 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I should clarify here, my mother is only in her mid fifties. Her illness now isn't due to old age. Her severe illness started about ten years ago, when her body began breaking down from stress. Her adrenal glands had shut down, and she developed pernicious anemia. She had completely shut all of us out and began spending increasingly longer hours at her office, sometimes coming home at 11pm or later, while us kids had to deal with my psychopathic, alcoholic father lounging in a stupor on the couch into the night. (He worked too but would come home, and she would not.) When she came home, she would just crash. We'd get so angry at her, and years later I found out about her diagnoses. I apologized to her for giving her such a hard time, because I hadn't known. She is always secretive and will not talk about things like that, which messes with me. She now has developed a full-blown autoimmune disorder with multiple deficiencies/organs that won't do their job properly but it all goes back to the stress. So it's like there's this mother-shaped outline which I can see right through because she's not actually there. This has left me with an undefinable feeling of emptiness. I feel torn between feeling deeply loving and protective of her, and a strong, primal hatred of her. It's hard to be that torn apart. It doesn't feel ok to hate her, and yet a part of me does...
posted by a knot unknown at 4:44 PM on October 17, 2016
posted by a knot unknown at 4:44 PM on October 17, 2016
It is absolutely okay to hate her. It's absolutely okay to love her while you hate her. I spent many years loving my mother while really disliking her (because she was a miserable, unhappy person).
She is however, living the results of her choices, as painful as it is for her, and for you to watch happen. I echo snickerdoodle above, about getting some distance. And be kind to yourself.
posted by ApathyGirl at 5:55 PM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
She is however, living the results of her choices, as painful as it is for her, and for you to watch happen. I echo snickerdoodle above, about getting some distance. And be kind to yourself.
posted by ApathyGirl at 5:55 PM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think you need to let go of your desire for a relationship with your mother. Ultimately, trying to maintain contact with her is going to continue to hurt you. She can never give you what you need and she will continue to hurt you - not just now, but until the day she dies. She will never magically come to the realization that she has wronged you (and don't mistake me, she was just as bad as your father in her own way). She will never give you the kindness and love you deserve (and believe me, you deserve kindness and love).
As painful as it is now, it might be best if you remove her from your life. You can't change her or get her to make choices that would help her body or mind heal. What you can do, for your own self-preservation, is stop talking to her now. You don't need to plead or explain or cajole, just don't call her or answer her calls anymore.Your concern for her is good, it shows you can empathize with and care for other people. But you don't have put up with her hurtful behavior anymore.
This is one of those "put on your own oxygen mask first" situations. You have to protect yourself first and foremost so that you can heal and gain some perspective. The conflicting emotions you're feeling are natural. You love her because she's your parent. But she also did and said terrible things to you and it's okay to hate her for that even while you love her. It's better if you let yourself experience your true emotions rather than trying to suppress them, even though it feels wrong. Bottling them up will just cause you more problems down the line.
Think of anything you might want to say to her before she dies, get it out in one last purge without letting her interrupt or harangue you and then just stop talking to her. Would you rather stop the hurtful words now and mourn her when she dies, or would you rather listen to her say hurtful things for months or years to come and then mourn her when she dies? This is the decision you have to make. As others said, be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness and love.
posted by i feel possessed at 7:35 PM on October 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
As painful as it is now, it might be best if you remove her from your life. You can't change her or get her to make choices that would help her body or mind heal. What you can do, for your own self-preservation, is stop talking to her now. You don't need to plead or explain or cajole, just don't call her or answer her calls anymore.Your concern for her is good, it shows you can empathize with and care for other people. But you don't have put up with her hurtful behavior anymore.
This is one of those "put on your own oxygen mask first" situations. You have to protect yourself first and foremost so that you can heal and gain some perspective. The conflicting emotions you're feeling are natural. You love her because she's your parent. But she also did and said terrible things to you and it's okay to hate her for that even while you love her. It's better if you let yourself experience your true emotions rather than trying to suppress them, even though it feels wrong. Bottling them up will just cause you more problems down the line.
Think of anything you might want to say to her before she dies, get it out in one last purge without letting her interrupt or harangue you and then just stop talking to her. Would you rather stop the hurtful words now and mourn her when she dies, or would you rather listen to her say hurtful things for months or years to come and then mourn her when she dies? This is the decision you have to make. As others said, be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness and love.
posted by i feel possessed at 7:35 PM on October 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
For me, it helps to think of the emotions that come from contiuing to have some relationship with my abusive mother, as waves. They come and they go. There are highs that are always followed by lows. I picture how I have to relax in order to stay afloat. I envision myself laying back and just floating on the surface of the waves. I dont try to controll them. When the come, I relax, I float, and eventully they go away for awhile. If you can not yet make a clean break from her, please take care of yourself and your emotions as best you can so you do not end up sick from stress just like her. Remember, breathe in, breathe out and float.
I very sincerely hope this gets better for you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:10 PM on October 17, 2016
I very sincerely hope this gets better for you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:10 PM on October 17, 2016
My father actually isn't that old either. His strokes and related conditions are in some part due to simply not taking care of himself (and perhaps traumatic brain injury causing personality changes when he was injured in the military).
It's definitely hard to feel torn between hate and pity. But those are both totally valid emotions in situations like this. I would suggest giving yourself permission to feel how you feel, even if it's not "nice" or whatever someone else would feel. Your parents haven't been "nice" or "normal" to you either.
posted by limeonaire at 11:23 PM on October 17, 2016
It's definitely hard to feel torn between hate and pity. But those are both totally valid emotions in situations like this. I would suggest giving yourself permission to feel how you feel, even if it's not "nice" or whatever someone else would feel. Your parents haven't been "nice" or "normal" to you either.
posted by limeonaire at 11:23 PM on October 17, 2016
I don't have much to offer for the advice on abusive parents which is well covered by others but just wanted to say this:
in terms of the medical stuff, it's impossible to say what's going on with your mom from what you've relayed here, but I think you should consider the possibility that what she's told you about her health might be just another tool of the abuse. Because people's bodies don't really break down because of stress (there are a lot of physical symptoms people can have because of stress, but their bodies don't actually 'break down'), 'adrenal problems' is a hot diagnosis for 'woo'/quackery these days, and pernicious anemia doesn't typically cause serious/life threatening illness with proper treatment. So there might be more to the story here than what is apparent (knowing what the 'autoimmune disease' she says she has would help), but considering the other things you've mentioned about your mom's behavior, the "I'm dying and I'm expecting an untimely demise, and it's all because of stress" MIGHT have something to do with a guilt trip she's trying to lay on you, if you don't see any evidence that she is suffering from actual organ failure.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:28 PM on October 17, 2016 [15 favorites]
in terms of the medical stuff, it's impossible to say what's going on with your mom from what you've relayed here, but I think you should consider the possibility that what she's told you about her health might be just another tool of the abuse. Because people's bodies don't really break down because of stress (there are a lot of physical symptoms people can have because of stress, but their bodies don't actually 'break down'), 'adrenal problems' is a hot diagnosis for 'woo'/quackery these days, and pernicious anemia doesn't typically cause serious/life threatening illness with proper treatment. So there might be more to the story here than what is apparent (knowing what the 'autoimmune disease' she says she has would help), but considering the other things you've mentioned about your mom's behavior, the "I'm dying and I'm expecting an untimely demise, and it's all because of stress" MIGHT have something to do with a guilt trip she's trying to lay on you, if you don't see any evidence that she is suffering from actual organ failure.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:28 PM on October 17, 2016 [15 favorites]
Mod note: Couple comments deleted. a knot unknown, moderator here - AskMe isn't a space for back-and-forth discussion, and we ask OPs basically to limit updates to necessary factual clarifications only, not debating with answers. You can read the answers and mark the ones that seem most useful to you, and just set aside the ones that aren't.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:18 PM on October 18, 2016
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:18 PM on October 18, 2016
Best answer: My abusive father, who I loved/hated and who died (at the age of 55 from lifestyle-induced congestive heart failure) last summer, desperately tried to continue to rope me in to his madness for the last 10 years (!!!) he was alive by constantly pushing a narrative that he was imminently dying. What he was really doing was slowly committing suicide by binge drinking, chain smoking, and living off processed nacho cheese and Chinese takeout. He was pretty much a ne'er do well kind of guy and a horrible parent who was nonetheless smart and interesting in small doses.
It was really weird feeling all those conflicting emotions, which continued to intensify year after year until he was finally gone. The last 5 years I had very little contact with him and no serious conversations or one-on-one time. At the very end, I said goodbye to him while he was in a coma after his final heart attack. So that sucked and it did kick up a little regret, but only a little. Once the shock wore off, I was left with this overwhelming feeling of relief like when you're listening a loud irritating noise and it suddenly stops. After the guilt of the relief wore off, wow. I was a new and different person. I was capable of true happiness for the first time since I developed abstract thought at the age of 10.
I got to work after that on all the things I couldn't do before because of the psychological and physical shackles of my disappointing and sometimes terrifying childhood. I started to make progress for real. I am still really surprised at times thinking this is just some kind of long dream and thinking it's a good thing I never succeeded in killing myself during the darkest of times.
I say all this because I read your other post about your past and I feel such a kinship with you. We are about the same age. I just want to say, I see you and hear you, and I understand you. Please do not give up yet. There are men/women out there (maybe not main stream Prince Charmings but real people who can give real love) who are capable of handling this kind of past without you having to hide it or change yourself.
Don't give up. I am here to talk more if that might help you. It is awkward to talk to strangers about things like this but sometimes it beats going to see some rando therapist who doesn't get it for the six millionth time.
posted by dissolvedgirl22 at 1:32 PM on October 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
It was really weird feeling all those conflicting emotions, which continued to intensify year after year until he was finally gone. The last 5 years I had very little contact with him and no serious conversations or one-on-one time. At the very end, I said goodbye to him while he was in a coma after his final heart attack. So that sucked and it did kick up a little regret, but only a little. Once the shock wore off, I was left with this overwhelming feeling of relief like when you're listening a loud irritating noise and it suddenly stops. After the guilt of the relief wore off, wow. I was a new and different person. I was capable of true happiness for the first time since I developed abstract thought at the age of 10.
I got to work after that on all the things I couldn't do before because of the psychological and physical shackles of my disappointing and sometimes terrifying childhood. I started to make progress for real. I am still really surprised at times thinking this is just some kind of long dream and thinking it's a good thing I never succeeded in killing myself during the darkest of times.
I say all this because I read your other post about your past and I feel such a kinship with you. We are about the same age. I just want to say, I see you and hear you, and I understand you. Please do not give up yet. There are men/women out there (maybe not main stream Prince Charmings but real people who can give real love) who are capable of handling this kind of past without you having to hide it or change yourself.
Don't give up. I am here to talk more if that might help you. It is awkward to talk to strangers about things like this but sometimes it beats going to see some rando therapist who doesn't get it for the six millionth time.
posted by dissolvedgirl22 at 1:32 PM on October 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
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Three things I can tell you, based on personal experience and lots of discussion with others:
1. Your mom is not going to change, and she will never say or do anything to fill your needs, so (probably) it would be wise to begin by giving up that hope/wish.
2. You do not owe her anything. Yes, she is aging. That is not a problem that you created, or that you will solve, and it is not your obligation to do anything in this regard.
For very many people in your situation, the right solution would be to stop talking to her entirely. Of course I can't say that's the right solution for you. But it would be morally ok, and might be the best thing for you.
posted by sheldman at 2:16 PM on October 17, 2016 [25 favorites]