How can I support my girlfriend as she begins therapy?
October 17, 2016 1:33 PM Subscribe
She's never been and she wants to tackle a lot of deep issues.
My girlfriend still experiences very heavy emotions surrounding her father's passing 4 years ago. From what she's told me, he was a loving father who meant very much to her. These emotions occur especially when she visits a meaningful place she's visited with him in the past. Other occasions have been at a friend's wedding when we watched the bride dance with her father. She becomes very overwhelmed but regains her composure when I comfort her.
Throughout our two years of being together, she recently brought up the idea of going to therapy. She's never been before. She doesn't drink very much at all, nor does she do any drugs. She has very little family (no siblings, she has one aunt in the state and an uncle who lives in the midwest) and is currently living with her mother (who is a very caring woman). Our relationship has reached the point where we've discussed about moving in together and she's always made it a point to bring up that she doesn't want to live too far away from her mother at first. She'll panic/become distracted if she hasn't heard from her mom all day and will call her to assure herself that she's okay.
Recently we had a discussion where she admitted that she might need professional help to navigate through a lot of emotions she's been feeling lately. She's also in the middle of a leaving a long term job. She admits that sometimes she'll keep herself mindlessly busy to avoid feeling sadness brought upon her dad, her career, religious beliefs.
We both love and support each other and I really want to help her through this. I'm just curious as to what would be a good way. I've never experienced the death of a close family member. What should I expect when she's on the road to heal?
Any related stories or advice is appreciated. Thank you.
My girlfriend still experiences very heavy emotions surrounding her father's passing 4 years ago. From what she's told me, he was a loving father who meant very much to her. These emotions occur especially when she visits a meaningful place she's visited with him in the past. Other occasions have been at a friend's wedding when we watched the bride dance with her father. She becomes very overwhelmed but regains her composure when I comfort her.
Throughout our two years of being together, she recently brought up the idea of going to therapy. She's never been before. She doesn't drink very much at all, nor does she do any drugs. She has very little family (no siblings, she has one aunt in the state and an uncle who lives in the midwest) and is currently living with her mother (who is a very caring woman). Our relationship has reached the point where we've discussed about moving in together and she's always made it a point to bring up that she doesn't want to live too far away from her mother at first. She'll panic/become distracted if she hasn't heard from her mom all day and will call her to assure herself that she's okay.
Recently we had a discussion where she admitted that she might need professional help to navigate through a lot of emotions she's been feeling lately. She's also in the middle of a leaving a long term job. She admits that sometimes she'll keep herself mindlessly busy to avoid feeling sadness brought upon her dad, her career, religious beliefs.
We both love and support each other and I really want to help her through this. I'm just curious as to what would be a good way. I've never experienced the death of a close family member. What should I expect when she's on the road to heal?
Any related stories or advice is appreciated. Thank you.
Hugs, warm food, long walks, basically whatever non-verbal expressions of love make her happy. She may not know what those are; just try stuff and see how happy she is 5 minutes later :)
posted by amtho at 2:32 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by amtho at 2:32 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Let her take the lead on how much the two of you talk about her sessions.
posted by soelo at 2:53 PM on October 17, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by soelo at 2:53 PM on October 17, 2016 [11 favorites]
Listening is by far the most valuable support you can give. You can ask how you might help...just asking that is helpful in itself, even if she says she doesn't need anything.
Don't give any advice or suggestions, even if you feel absolutely sure you know what would help. If she asks your advice, you can say, "What are your options?" Then listen as she considers them. In the course of this conversation, you can chime in with a suggestion, but don't lobby for it.
She may have some big feelings bubbling up. Just try to empathize about the emotions.
How do you feel about that?
That must be hard.
I'm sorry you have all this pain.
So it's confusing for you.
Don't ask what she and the therapist have talked about, and especially don't ask if she's talked about you or your relationship.
posted by wryly at 3:07 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Don't give any advice or suggestions, even if you feel absolutely sure you know what would help. If she asks your advice, you can say, "What are your options?" Then listen as she considers them. In the course of this conversation, you can chime in with a suggestion, but don't lobby for it.
She may have some big feelings bubbling up. Just try to empathize about the emotions.
How do you feel about that?
That must be hard.
I'm sorry you have all this pain.
So it's confusing for you.
Don't ask what she and the therapist have talked about, and especially don't ask if she's talked about you or your relationship.
posted by wryly at 3:07 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's really cool that you're trying be supportive. I've recently started therapy for the first time, and here is what worked for me. I am not your girlfriend, so results may vary.
The mister doesn't ask any questions aside from "how did it go?" This gives me the opportunity to share as much or as little as I want. If she does want to talk about, reassure that you're there to listen and won't give advice unless she specifically asks for it. This was the hardest part for my mister, because his natural inclination is to give advice, even when I'm only looking for a friendly ear. amtho is right on about non-verbal displays of love. My go-to is a cup of herbal tea. Try to remember that therapy can be emotionally exhausting, so don't take it personally if she doesn't have the energy for you after a session.
posted by Ruki at 3:33 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
The mister doesn't ask any questions aside from "how did it go?" This gives me the opportunity to share as much or as little as I want. If she does want to talk about, reassure that you're there to listen and won't give advice unless she specifically asks for it. This was the hardest part for my mister, because his natural inclination is to give advice, even when I'm only looking for a friendly ear. amtho is right on about non-verbal displays of love. My go-to is a cup of herbal tea. Try to remember that therapy can be emotionally exhausting, so don't take it personally if she doesn't have the energy for you after a session.
posted by Ruki at 3:33 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
The mister doesn't ask any questions aside from "how did it go?"
This is what me and my guy do. Basically we've had times when we've gotten therapy and times when we haven't but this is a nice neutral opening. I find that sometimes the day after therapy I feel more ootchy and weird than I do generally because I bring up a lot of heavy topics and engage with them more than I might otherwise. This is normal. Realize that she is going for her own reasons and they might not have much to do with you (or they might). If she is working out issues with you (it doesn't sound like it) you could offer to go with her if that would be helpful.
Otherwise yeah don't pry and presume that things are going okay but you can also encourage her to continue (if things seem to be working for her) or be supportive for her to change therapists (if she doesn't click with this one) or consider medication (if a therapist suggests it). She might have exercises to do when she gets home and being just generally supportive of the process is often helpful for people who are reluctant about going to a therapist. I think of it like going to physical therapy. Saying "Hey have you done your shoulder exercises today?" can be helpful in a way that "Do your exercises!" is not.
Occasionally if I'm grappling with something complicated in my life, my SO might say "That might be a good thing to talk with your therapist about" but will not say that about disagreements the two of us are having, which is wise.
posted by jessamyn at 4:40 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
This is what me and my guy do. Basically we've had times when we've gotten therapy and times when we haven't but this is a nice neutral opening. I find that sometimes the day after therapy I feel more ootchy and weird than I do generally because I bring up a lot of heavy topics and engage with them more than I might otherwise. This is normal. Realize that she is going for her own reasons and they might not have much to do with you (or they might). If she is working out issues with you (it doesn't sound like it) you could offer to go with her if that would be helpful.
Otherwise yeah don't pry and presume that things are going okay but you can also encourage her to continue (if things seem to be working for her) or be supportive for her to change therapists (if she doesn't click with this one) or consider medication (if a therapist suggests it). She might have exercises to do when she gets home and being just generally supportive of the process is often helpful for people who are reluctant about going to a therapist. I think of it like going to physical therapy. Saying "Hey have you done your shoulder exercises today?" can be helpful in a way that "Do your exercises!" is not.
Occasionally if I'm grappling with something complicated in my life, my SO might say "That might be a good thing to talk with your therapist about" but will not say that about disagreements the two of us are having, which is wise.
posted by jessamyn at 4:40 PM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Seconding the fact that therapy can start dredging up stuff you've buried in order to function day to day, so things might feel worse for a while. Or it might take some time to get going and not feel like it's going anywhere for a few months - I'd tamped everything down nice and tight, and it took a good six months of dipping my toes and dancing around some problems and very slowly beginning to trust my therapist to get into any really meaningful stuff.
Something my dude does that's very helpful is to remind me I can take specific things to therapy that I'm freaking out about. I tend to massively, massively compartmentalise, and my list of "topics which are suitable for therapy" is kind of weird and rigid and omits a ton of stuff that's actually impacting my life. So if I'm getting really anxious about something and he asks if I've brought it up in therapy, it's a good reminder that my problems and fears that I discount as not meaningful enough are actually legit things to take to therapy, even if they're not in the deep & long-lasting childhood trauma category.
posted by terretu at 2:12 AM on October 18, 2016
Something my dude does that's very helpful is to remind me I can take specific things to therapy that I'm freaking out about. I tend to massively, massively compartmentalise, and my list of "topics which are suitable for therapy" is kind of weird and rigid and omits a ton of stuff that's actually impacting my life. So if I'm getting really anxious about something and he asks if I've brought it up in therapy, it's a good reminder that my problems and fears that I discount as not meaningful enough are actually legit things to take to therapy, even if they're not in the deep & long-lasting childhood trauma category.
posted by terretu at 2:12 AM on October 18, 2016
I'm just curious as to what would be a good way. I've never experienced the death of a close family member. What should I expect when she's on the road to heal?
One thing that people who've never experienced a death often don't realize is that the idea that at some point you "heal" and are over it is a convenient Hollywood construction. You seem to be very understanding that your partner still experiences strong emotions. It's quite possible that those emotions will never go away, and that's OK. My father died 36 years ago, and there are still times when the pain seems unbearable to me. Those times are infrequent now, but they still occur. That is completely normal.
posted by FencingGal at 6:50 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
One thing that people who've never experienced a death often don't realize is that the idea that at some point you "heal" and are over it is a convenient Hollywood construction. You seem to be very understanding that your partner still experiences strong emotions. It's quite possible that those emotions will never go away, and that's OK. My father died 36 years ago, and there are still times when the pain seems unbearable to me. Those times are infrequent now, but they still occur. That is completely normal.
posted by FencingGal at 6:50 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Be ready to listen. One aspect of therapy for me, and it appears to also be true for my husband, is about taking things that have been bothering me, and figuring out how to put words to it. Sessions with the therapist involve trying out words, discussing it, and having words reflected back to help me describe what I'm feeling; then more discussion to put it in context.
Going into a session, I might be feeling disappointed in myself for my inability to focus at work, but not really wanting to talk about it/admit it with my husband who might start giving me helpful productivity tips, which is not at all helpful so I just don't bring it up. (lack of conversation, low communications, little relationship building, less connection with each others lives) Coming out of a session, I might be able to tell my husband that the idea of losing my job scares me more than I've told him, and when I lose focus and have unproductive days I get really frustrated with myself. It's an entirely different type of conversation, and one that involves more talking on my part and more listening from my husband. Even though he's not "contributing" the way he'd be tempted to give me productivity tips in the other conversation, he's contributing by listening.
Then, as we get used to this new style of thinking/feeling, where the conversation is not about symptomatic problems affecting our day-to-day but about the causes and context, our home conversation starts being useful to me in similar ways to therapy conversations. But that didn't really kick in until he had seen a therapist enough to be familiar with the listening and processing techniques.
posted by aimedwander at 10:58 AM on October 18, 2016
Going into a session, I might be feeling disappointed in myself for my inability to focus at work, but not really wanting to talk about it/admit it with my husband who might start giving me helpful productivity tips, which is not at all helpful so I just don't bring it up. (lack of conversation, low communications, little relationship building, less connection with each others lives) Coming out of a session, I might be able to tell my husband that the idea of losing my job scares me more than I've told him, and when I lose focus and have unproductive days I get really frustrated with myself. It's an entirely different type of conversation, and one that involves more talking on my part and more listening from my husband. Even though he's not "contributing" the way he'd be tempted to give me productivity tips in the other conversation, he's contributing by listening.
Then, as we get used to this new style of thinking/feeling, where the conversation is not about symptomatic problems affecting our day-to-day but about the causes and context, our home conversation starts being useful to me in similar ways to therapy conversations. But that didn't really kick in until he had seen a therapist enough to be familiar with the listening and processing techniques.
posted by aimedwander at 10:58 AM on October 18, 2016
Additionally, it's easy for people who aren't familiar with therapy to talk about it in kind of a hushed undertone, as if the fact that she's seeing a doctor is something we don't talk about in public. If you even suspect that you're doing that, get over it. I'm not saying that you are, in fact your question tone was very neutral. But one thing you can do for her is to be enthusiastic about this.
Therapy isn't something that other people do, or only for sick people, or crazy people, or people with problems. It's more like an athlete who has a personal trainer - you can work out on your own and make progress, but when you're really serious about your health, you consult with a professional who helps direct you toward what to work on, and make sure you're challenging yourself in appropriate ways so that you'll grow without getting hurt. So your girlfriend is tackling a big health push, and your job is to cheer her on.
posted by aimedwander at 11:12 AM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Therapy isn't something that other people do, or only for sick people, or crazy people, or people with problems. It's more like an athlete who has a personal trainer - you can work out on your own and make progress, but when you're really serious about your health, you consult with a professional who helps direct you toward what to work on, and make sure you're challenging yourself in appropriate ways so that you'll grow without getting hurt. So your girlfriend is tackling a big health push, and your job is to cheer her on.
posted by aimedwander at 11:12 AM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
So so coo that youre there for her, asking this. just feel like echoing the feeling here that after a session (or the days following) i can be really, really tired - generally pretty out of whack, like shit got dislodged, and now i gotta shuffle around a lot of bulky stuff in my head.. like the amount of thinking of meh stuff really takes it out of me. and my SO just lettin me take a nap (like after breakfast. i dont know if thats normal at all) without being judgey or bringing home fresh strawberries is hella nice.
posted by speakeasy at 12:32 PM on October 18, 2016
posted by speakeasy at 12:32 PM on October 18, 2016
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My favorite analogy of this effect is the one that says that therapy is like sweeping your floors after a long neglect. You have to get into the corners where the light doesn't really reach, and before you know it, there's a big pile of dust, dirt, and cat hair in the middle of the room. You have to bear in mind that this means that you're doing the right thing.
posted by janey47 at 2:17 PM on October 17, 2016 [7 favorites]