Difficult Conversation-Filter: Probably Not Cancer

October 15, 2016 2:01 PM

I'm having some surgery on Friday next week to excise what is probably not skin cancer on my scalp. I have no idea how to tell my boyfriend this. I'm usually good with difficult conversations and I'm at a loss for how to do this one.

I probably don't have skin cancer, but the doctor was concerned, so I'm getting a chunk taken out of my scalp next Friday. It's an outpatient procedure, I'll end up with some stitches.

Boyfriend and I (both mid-30's) have been dating since June, are exclusive and committed, and though we haven't had any serious "where do you see this going" conversations, it's crossed my mind and I get the sense that it's crossed his too. We make future plans, months in advance, and assume the other will be there. But we're not the inseparable type; both of us have demanding jobs and usually only see one another once a week, maybe twice. We're in touch - usually text because we're better writers than talkers - every day. I've been independent for a long time.

So I made this appointment last month, never brought it up with Boyfriend, and now the surgery's next week and I... sort of feel like I should tell him, at least to prevent him from playfully tugging my hair for the next month while I have stitches. I'm sure he'll be great about it and supportive, but it seems like I missed the opportunity to tell him when I should have, and now I don't know how to frame it.

Things that have not sounded great in the mirror:

"So, on Friday, I'm having minor surgery." (Boyfriend heart attack here)
"I'd been meaning to tell you..." (Boyfriend heart attack here) "that I'm having minor surgery..." (additional heart attack)
"I should have told you this sooner, but..." (heart attack here)

He won't even be in town when it happens, he is traveling, and I don't actually need anything from him. It's more an FYI, but surgery is more important than just a text, and it is possible though unlikely that I have skin cancer, so there's that too. I can't pretend that I'm not anxious about it, but I don't want to invite him to take that on.

Can you provide me with some scripting, at least at the start, on how to bring this up? I can fill in the rest with details, but I just don't know how to start the conversation.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Hey honey, I forgot to let you know that I'm having minor surgery on Friday. Here's the deal:

This is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. It's not a big deal. He's your honey, he should know, you forgot to tell him until now. So now you're going to tell him.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:06 PM on October 15, 2016 [9 favorites]

if I was trying to be low key I would probably use the word procedure, as in "oh I'm getting this procedure done to remove a suspicious thing on my scalp, I'm sure it's nothing though." I wouldn't bring up the possibility of it being cancerous unless he asked for details.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 2:10 PM on October 15, 2016 [10 favorites]

Hey - meant to mention to you - got to go to dermatologist on Friday to get a probably-nothing removed. If my hair looks funny don't say anything!
posted by sheldman at 2:11 PM on October 15, 2016 [17 favorites]

Coming from a family with major anxiety over medical conditions, I would probably just say, "Hey, do you feel/see this weird bump on my head? It's been bothering me so I'm going to have it removed on Friday. The doctor thinks it's probably nothing but it'll be checked for skin cancer/other things."

For my family, seeing the problem and then the person bringing up the slight possibilities at the end of the conversation help, instead of right away bringing up cancer or surgery, which give us all heart attacks.
posted by umwhat at 2:12 PM on October 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

If you're trying to downplay it, stop saying "surgery" - you're having a spot removed on your scalp so they can take a better look.
posted by barnone at 2:14 PM on October 15, 2016 [12 favorites]

Yeah, just be straightforward, he's not going to have a heart attack. Plus, if you like the guy you should be able to talk about this stuff plainly.
posted by rhizome at 2:18 PM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Hey, the doctor thinks I should have this thing removed from my scalp, so I'm doing that on Friday. Stressful, right? But I'm sure it's fine."
posted by unknowncommand at 2:19 PM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

A lighthearted jokey way to bring it up would be to start with, "so, my hair might not be the perfection you are used to next week"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:23 PM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Also, he most likely has no idea that these kinds of appointments could even be scheduled months in advance. You haven't missed any opportunity to tell him, in his mind.
posted by unknowncommand at 2:25 PM on October 15, 2016

I think you're building this conversation up in your head to be more melodramatic than it actually will be because you're nervous about this procedure and worried about what the results of the biopsy will be. Which is completely understandable, but I think it's helpful sometimes to take a step back and try and reframe this stuff a bit. For example, I think if you use any of the three suggestions that you've mentioned here and say them in a neutral sort of way without any long dramatic pauses or spooky organ music in the background then I think your boyfriend will not have a minor heart attack. He'll probably be sort of concerned about you, but that's okay.
posted by colfax at 2:25 PM on October 15, 2016 [10 favorites]

Hopefully this is all about *your* anxiety about this procedure* and not about dating the world's most delicate flower who makes everything about him. "Oh hey, I've got a dermatologist appointment on Friday, they're removing a little bump on my head. It may be weird for a few days, I have no idea when I get to wash my hair. *shrug* So anyway, how 'bout that TV Show Sports Political Event?"

*You will be fine. Even if it is cancer. But it's probably not.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:31 PM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Don't use the word surgery or procedure. I got a mole removed once too and it was nothing. They literally just numbed the area and cut it out with a razor blade. It was not even remotely surgery. The vast majority of the time moles are removed it's nothing. Just say you had a skin check done and they wanted to remove a mole to be safe. It's really not a big deal at all.
posted by AppleTurnover at 4:19 PM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

I've been in this sort of situation before (it was not cancerous) and I started the conversation with "This is not a big deal". I didn't say, "I'm having minor surgery, but it's probably nothing". I said "This is probably nothing, but I'm having minor surgery".

But, really, if someone wants to freak over this then they will freak over this. Don't worry too much about finding the exact perfect phrasing to keep their world from being shaken.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:47 PM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

"My dermatologist is removing a spot from my scalp on Friday, so I have that to look forward to while you're gone!"

Do not say surgery, do not say cancer.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:00 PM on October 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

Ok... I had a molectomy recently and although I suppose one could TECHNICALLY call it 'surgery', I have literally had spa facials which were more painful and invasive. It took less than ten minutes, a single stitch, and a bandaid. It is the least big deal I can imagine, and there is absolutely no reason to be freaked out about telling your boyfriend about it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:28 PM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

I just had a cyst off my head. I've had the procedure maybe 10 times before. I don't think it as surgery. And always benign (look up 'wen').

Wait, be careful when you look that up.
posted by persona au gratin at 12:36 AM on October 16, 2016

Yes, 'a mole taken off' is the way I've described having this, and nobody bats an eyelid. Wishing you all the best.
posted by Coda Tronca at 4:48 AM on October 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

"Procedure" is good. Other no-need-to-panic indicators I gave out recently when I had for-real exhausting and excruciating surgery were "middle-aged maintenance stuff," "elective," "non-emergency."

My GP has frozen off so many 'pre-cancerous lesions' I no longer pay attention, and once a dermatologist excised a gross maybe-cancer? thing (it wasn't) from my back. The most you will get for this sort of thing is "@#$*, they're not kidding about the sunblock, are they? I'd better use mine more often..."

You kinda sound like you're projecting some anxiety here -- nobody had a heart attack over even the serious surgery, even though they are still running errands for me until I can drive again -- so maybe you want to talk about "having a procedure" and "it's not a big deal, derm doesn't think it's cancerous or anything," and then follow that up with "but I'm pretty anxious about it. Sorry I didn't mention it when I made the appointment; it was just my own private freak-out thing. But now I am feeling [insert honesty and an as clear as possible statement of your needs here]."
posted by kmennie at 2:00 PM on October 16, 2016

Just want to add that when I had my first mole taken off, the derm did not prepare me adequately for the quite deep amount of skin that would be taken away (it was on my nose) and so I was a bit shocked afterwards, because it was deep (but healed nicely!). Some doctors can be a bit blasé about this part of the experience (mine actually read a text on his phone during the procedure) so I'm just suggesting that you ask first about the likely size of wound and prepare yourself for it accordingly. (But it doesn't last long and anyway you may not need a deep excision.)
posted by Coda Tronca at 2:19 PM on October 16, 2016