How to Slowly Gain Independence in an Abusive Relationship
October 14, 2016 12:57 PM Subscribe
My childhood friend is married to an emotionally controlling, increasingly paranoid man. What can she put in motion now to assist with her independence later, if it becomes necessary to leave?
She currently home-schools their children and does not work outside the home. She volunteers at church and they have a marriage counseling group they go to. I'm not going to dredge up the details unless you have specific questions, but they have had several arguments of late. She expressed a desire to leave, and he flipped out. He has responded by deleting her FaceBook account and taking her phone. She still has access to the computer for now. He works outside the home and controls all of their finances. She has no separate money. She doesn't want to leave without the kids. I am thinking of this Reddit post and how the girlfriend carefully set things up so that she could leave with a minimum of fuss. Obviously, she needs a source of income and a separate bank account. How can she get those without setting off an alarm?
She currently home-schools their children and does not work outside the home. She volunteers at church and they have a marriage counseling group they go to. I'm not going to dredge up the details unless you have specific questions, but they have had several arguments of late. She expressed a desire to leave, and he flipped out. He has responded by deleting her FaceBook account and taking her phone. She still has access to the computer for now. He works outside the home and controls all of their finances. She has no separate money. She doesn't want to leave without the kids. I am thinking of this Reddit post and how the girlfriend carefully set things up so that she could leave with a minimum of fuss. Obviously, she needs a source of income and a separate bank account. How can she get those without setting off an alarm?
It sounds more like she needs a good family law attorney who's willing to quickly get on the stick with filing for emergency support and being willing to be paid out of that. (I don't suppose she has any access to a joint credit card to throw a lawyer on retainer with?)
It also sounds like it was necessary to leave a while ago given all the abusive dynamics going on here, especially with children involved.
Couples' counselling is inappropriate for abusive relationships -- Google will fetch up a good whack of essays on why. Counselling for her would not be a bad idea to assist with what will be a big transition, though.
In many jurisdictions attorneys offer brief initial consultations for free. She should go and find out what her rights are and what the best escape route in her particular situation and in her particular area of the world is before doing anything. (If consultations are not free when she is, and you're in the position to finance one, perhaps this is a gift you could give?)
posted by kmennie at 1:22 PM on October 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
It also sounds like it was necessary to leave a while ago given all the abusive dynamics going on here, especially with children involved.
Couples' counselling is inappropriate for abusive relationships -- Google will fetch up a good whack of essays on why. Counselling for her would not be a bad idea to assist with what will be a big transition, though.
In many jurisdictions attorneys offer brief initial consultations for free. She should go and find out what her rights are and what the best escape route in her particular situation and in her particular area of the world is before doing anything. (If consultations are not free when she is, and you're in the position to finance one, perhaps this is a gift you could give?)
posted by kmennie at 1:22 PM on October 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
Your friend needs a consultation with a good divorce lawyer. Not one that specializes in mediation but one that is strong in high conflict cases. This lawyer can help your friend make an escape plan to safe guard her and her children AND make a financial plan.
posted by Kalmya at 1:25 PM on October 14, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 1:25 PM on October 14, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'd recommend you call a women's shelter in town and talk to them/make an appointment to go talk to them, to see what they can tell you that you can maybe pass on to her (or do to help provide her with security when the time comes). They will know things about the specific location where you live that people here won't know.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:31 PM on October 14, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 1:31 PM on October 14, 2016 [8 favorites]
Please do help her to make contact with a women's shelter. They will help her to develop a safety plan and can provide shelter and legal resources as she needs them. In the meantime, it is really, really worrying that her husband is moving to isolate her by taking away computer and phone access. Can you and friends potentially set up a rotating visitation schedule? Having the understanding that others are watching over her and that she is not alone can make such a difference in her mental state. It can also send a strong message to him that there are witnesses and a network of support waiting for her.
posted by goggie at 1:48 PM on October 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by goggie at 1:48 PM on October 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
If he's monitoring her computer use, she either needs to become very good at personal security, erasing logs, finding keystroke recorders, etc, or she needs to only do her relevant computing elsewhere. I recommend the public library, which her homeschooled kids definitely have reason to visit.
I think it's important to have her own bank account even if there's almost nothing in it, just use the bank that has a branch at her supermarket.
In terms of what you can do to help, some of it could be setting up a new email account for her, letting her use your address and phone as contact info (eg with the bank), possibly doing some errands for her if her kids are old enough to be suspicious but not wise enough to keep a secret, possibly looking after the kids while she does stuff, helping her brainstorm about what she'd like life to be like (a job? public schools?), checking in on her (he took her cell phone, do they still have a landline?), figure out what times she's expected/allowed to be out of the house and help cover for her then, eg her volunteer shift at church, so she can visit the women's shelter legal aid.
posted by aimedwander at 2:38 PM on October 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think it's important to have her own bank account even if there's almost nothing in it, just use the bank that has a branch at her supermarket.
In terms of what you can do to help, some of it could be setting up a new email account for her, letting her use your address and phone as contact info (eg with the bank), possibly doing some errands for her if her kids are old enough to be suspicious but not wise enough to keep a secret, possibly looking after the kids while she does stuff, helping her brainstorm about what she'd like life to be like (a job? public schools?), checking in on her (he took her cell phone, do they still have a landline?), figure out what times she's expected/allowed to be out of the house and help cover for her then, eg her volunteer shift at church, so she can visit the women's shelter legal aid.
posted by aimedwander at 2:38 PM on October 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Teach her how to use private(firefox) / incognito(chrome) browsing and start a new email account. Help her set up a skype account with enough funds for an emergency call. You might be able to help he get her get a pay-as-you-go phone for emergency use. When a man is that controlling - cutting off her communication, things are really serious. Talk to a domestic violence expert - she needs a safety plan as soon as possible. Separate bank account is difficult, but she can buy traveler's checks or stash cash in a safe place. A clean detergent container, a clean shoe polish tin. If there are assets, she has a right to at least half of them, and she should, right away, document what's in any accounts, so he can't try to hide it later.
She will probably have to wait until she's out to find a job, for safety's sake. She is lucky to have friends who will help.
posted by theora55 at 3:42 PM on October 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
She will probably have to wait until she's out to find a job, for safety's sake. She is lucky to have friends who will help.
posted by theora55 at 3:42 PM on October 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
There are services out there that help women relocate in these situations, in at least some states. I suggest googling [Domestic Violence Shelter YOURCITY] to start.
Here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If he checks her phone records, maybe she could visit a friend and use their phone. Or maybe a friend could call on her behalf.
Justice For Women: The Great Escape.
I'm sorry your friend is in this situation, and I wish her well.
posted by bunderful at 3:53 PM on October 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If he checks her phone records, maybe she could visit a friend and use their phone. Or maybe a friend could call on her behalf.
Justice For Women: The Great Escape.
I'm sorry your friend is in this situation, and I wish her well.
posted by bunderful at 3:53 PM on October 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Call a domestic violence support service and ask the best resources they have available. If you have anything like a bus card in your town that tracks where you get off, tell her to pay for all bus trips in coins. Maybe you can come up with some convenient covers for her so that she can see a lawyer and talk to a support worker at the women's shelter / DV centre.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 4:17 PM on October 14, 2016
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 4:17 PM on October 14, 2016
She should get a secret PO box and apply for a credit card with the PO box address.
posted by bq at 4:20 PM on October 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bq at 4:20 PM on October 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Can you provide her with a burner cell phone? Pay as you go, old flip phone that holds a charge for a week at a time? Even without a working cell plan it will call 911, but it's less than $10 a month to have a few minutes available.
Also, this is kind of a sharky move, but she might consider getting free consultations with every aggressive local family lawyer who offers them, even if she thinks she can't afford them. 1) They may be able to help her figure out how to pay them from the marital assets, as suggested above, and 2) having consulted with her may conflict out those attorneys so they can't represent her husband.
With her homeschooling the kids, her time is probably largely monitored, however inadvertently, by them. She'll need places to leave them while she goes to the lawyer, etc., and she'll need excuses to do so. Helping her find a local babysitting coop, homeschooling group, or other activities for them will help keep her other activities under the radar.
posted by katemonster at 4:48 PM on October 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
Also, this is kind of a sharky move, but she might consider getting free consultations with every aggressive local family lawyer who offers them, even if she thinks she can't afford them. 1) They may be able to help her figure out how to pay them from the marital assets, as suggested above, and 2) having consulted with her may conflict out those attorneys so they can't represent her husband.
With her homeschooling the kids, her time is probably largely monitored, however inadvertently, by them. She'll need places to leave them while she goes to the lawyer, etc., and she'll need excuses to do so. Helping her find a local babysitting coop, homeschooling group, or other activities for them will help keep her other activities under the radar.
posted by katemonster at 4:48 PM on October 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
The most useful practical thing I can think of is to "gift" the kids with a drop off enrichment weekly class in town like gymnastics or art studio our an adventure playground, sports - something regular and where she has a cast iron excuse to take all the kids and leave them, while she "runs errands", or meets with you initially for coffee (she can tell the controlling husband you are going through some big medical drama and want a shoulder to cry on and the kids gift is because you want to make up for missing their birthdays or you Sr do much potential in them blah blah, whatever will appeal to his vanity as patriarch and make him squeamish about enquiring too closely about the medical details), and then she has a regular block of free time a week to go see lawyers, go to the bank, apply for jobs, etc.
Otherwise, she needs to basically encourage him to go for a camping trip on a weekend and then pack like crazy and move. Though she should talk to a lawyer asap about if she can change locks and kick him out or if she has to move, physical custody is so different in different places.
She also needs to be very clear on if he has access to guns if she's in a gun-friendly place. The first few months are the most dangerous which is why you want to leave as quickly and completely and let him cool off, then things get easier usually.
If she trusts you, you can set up a bank account for her for now as well. Money really is the most critical part of an escape.
She also should get a phone with a basic camera with a number he doesn't know if possible and a free gmail account and start snapping pictures to scan in documents like the house deed, financial paperwork, etc. She can email them and delete them from her phone as a back up to access from library computers and other Wi-Fi when she moves out.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:38 PM on October 14, 2016 [7 favorites]
Otherwise, she needs to basically encourage him to go for a camping trip on a weekend and then pack like crazy and move. Though she should talk to a lawyer asap about if she can change locks and kick him out or if she has to move, physical custody is so different in different places.
She also needs to be very clear on if he has access to guns if she's in a gun-friendly place. The first few months are the most dangerous which is why you want to leave as quickly and completely and let him cool off, then things get easier usually.
If she trusts you, you can set up a bank account for her for now as well. Money really is the most critical part of an escape.
She also should get a phone with a basic camera with a number he doesn't know if possible and a free gmail account and start snapping pictures to scan in documents like the house deed, financial paperwork, etc. She can email them and delete them from her phone as a back up to access from library computers and other Wi-Fi when she moves out.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:38 PM on October 14, 2016 [7 favorites]
Also, this is kind of a sharky move, but she might consider getting free consultations with every aggressive local family lawyer who offers them, even if she thinks she can't afford them. 1) They may be able to help her figure out how to pay them from the marital assets, as suggested above, and 2) having consulted with her may conflict out those attorneys so they can't represent her husband.
2) is a very bad idea.
posted by bq at 7:47 PM on October 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
The Metafilter Wiki There is Help page has a decent listing of domestic abuse/violence resources around the world, which might provide a good starting point.
posted by penguin pie at 6:27 AM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by penguin pie at 6:27 AM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sorry - also if you scroll to the bottom of that geographical listing on the wiki there's also a valuable list of links on how to support a friend/survivor of domestic abuse - mostly previous AskMes, but also some other links.
posted by penguin pie at 6:31 AM on October 15, 2016
posted by penguin pie at 6:31 AM on October 15, 2016
How does she pay for things like groceries, etc? Is there a way she can start skimming off a little money here and there to put in her bank account?
posted by cabingirl at 9:20 AM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by cabingirl at 9:20 AM on October 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
I DO NOT think she should get a lawyer. I do think she should get a divorce consultant, who can help her manage the attorney and who has experience with this sort of abuse. Custodycalculations is one place to start.
For $70 you can get her a 16gb Fire tablet, which should be secured with a good password. Pretty sure with an OTG cable you can hook up a keyboard. Safest way to read and internet.
The best advice on financials I've found is at Bedrockdivorce.com
Bill Eddy's BIFF book is very good
The problem with finding resources and books is that she probably won't be able to read them. You can give her support by reading them, and then going over the important points or sitting with her while she reads the important pages.
Having her situation clearly documented, with a very brief intro of her present status, what she wants to accomplish (fixing him is almost certainly not possible), a timeline of events (like when he took her phone), and a listing of what assets they have and SHOULD have, will make it easy to bring people up to speed on the situation.
posted by Sophont at 9:41 AM on October 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
For $70 you can get her a 16gb Fire tablet, which should be secured with a good password. Pretty sure with an OTG cable you can hook up a keyboard. Safest way to read and internet.
The best advice on financials I've found is at Bedrockdivorce.com
Bill Eddy's BIFF book is very good
The problem with finding resources and books is that she probably won't be able to read them. You can give her support by reading them, and then going over the important points or sitting with her while she reads the important pages.
Having her situation clearly documented, with a very brief intro of her present status, what she wants to accomplish (fixing him is almost certainly not possible), a timeline of events (like when he took her phone), and a listing of what assets they have and SHOULD have, will make it easy to bring people up to speed on the situation.
posted by Sophont at 9:41 AM on October 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
My friend is going through this right now. Despite not having the money, she has apparently wasted several thousand dollars in attorney's fees because she is dealing with a divorce lawyer who is not well versed in domestic violence, and so has repeatedly given her advice that would put her physically at risk.
You can help your friend by doing a little research and creating a short list of divorce attorneys in her area who have good experience with DV situations, so that she may then interview those three or four attorneys and select the best one for her needs.
posted by vignettist at 2:51 PM on October 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
You can help your friend by doing a little research and creating a short list of divorce attorneys in her area who have good experience with DV situations, so that she may then interview those three or four attorneys and select the best one for her needs.
posted by vignettist at 2:51 PM on October 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Here's a helpful list from www.helpguide.org for things women can do when they are getting ready to get out of an abusive relationship. It also has links to domestic violence hotlines and lists of women's shelters by state.
posted by colfax at 1:14 PM on October 14, 2016 [17 favorites]