Help us with our orgasms
October 11, 2016 4:06 PM Subscribe
My partner can only come in one position (lying on her back with her legs dead straight) and then only sometimes. Do you have any suggestions for us?
My partner and I enjoy the most amazing, intimate, and in many ways incredibly satisfying sex. We have only been together for a few months but in that time have developed a very strong bond, to the point where we are talkind about getting married next year.
The one thing I would like to be able to do for her, is to help her achieve an orgasm more easily. At the moment, and she tells me it has been like this forever, she can only get an orgasm when lying on her back with her legs absolutely straight, and even then only sometimes. She says in the past she has not been able to come hardly ever, so in some ways I suppose our current situation is an improvement. However, I would like her to be able to enjoy orgasms in other positions too. We have talked about this a little bit, but she does not seem very concerned about it probably because it has been like this for her for a long time. Also, I know that there are some body issues, even though I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, she is very worried about certain aspects of her physical self, so I do feel I need to be a little bit sensitive about not wanting to, forcing her to talk about it too much.
I have tried going down on her and she enjoys that (but only right after she has taken a shower), but after a while she will pull me up to initiate intercourse. I have read in some of the other threads here at this is not uncommon?
As she tells me, this position is good for her because it stimulates her clit, so that made me think that perhaps there are other ways that we could try. For example, would there be a small device (I think a large vibrator would really put her off) that stimulates her during intercourse?
Or do you have any other suggestions for us?
My partner and I enjoy the most amazing, intimate, and in many ways incredibly satisfying sex. We have only been together for a few months but in that time have developed a very strong bond, to the point where we are talkind about getting married next year.
The one thing I would like to be able to do for her, is to help her achieve an orgasm more easily. At the moment, and she tells me it has been like this forever, she can only get an orgasm when lying on her back with her legs absolutely straight, and even then only sometimes. She says in the past she has not been able to come hardly ever, so in some ways I suppose our current situation is an improvement. However, I would like her to be able to enjoy orgasms in other positions too. We have talked about this a little bit, but she does not seem very concerned about it probably because it has been like this for her for a long time. Also, I know that there are some body issues, even though I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, she is very worried about certain aspects of her physical self, so I do feel I need to be a little bit sensitive about not wanting to, forcing her to talk about it too much.
I have tried going down on her and she enjoys that (but only right after she has taken a shower), but after a while she will pull me up to initiate intercourse. I have read in some of the other threads here at this is not uncommon?
As she tells me, this position is good for her because it stimulates her clit, so that made me think that perhaps there are other ways that we could try. For example, would there be a small device (I think a large vibrator would really put her off) that stimulates her during intercourse?
Or do you have any other suggestions for us?
My suggestion for you is to back off of this right now. This is not the right time in the relationship to put this kind of pressure on her. If you'd been together for years or if she expressed a keen interest in coming in other positions, that would be the time. But right now this is likely to end with her feeling ashamed and being unable to come in any position at all with you. Just keep doing what you are doing, remain open to trying new things, but let her initiate those things. You've got good intentions (maybe, but why is the present sex not satisfying to you if she says she enjoys it and comes some of the time?) but there is really no way to do this that won't make her feel deficient, especially because your relationship is fairly new. Take care of her and respect her limitations and don't push on this.
posted by sockermom at 4:13 PM on October 11, 2016 [81 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 4:13 PM on October 11, 2016 [81 favorites]
You can read Come As You Are, as recommended above.
You should not mention it to her, bring it up, try to change anything, try to sneak any changes in, until she chooses to "solve" this "problem" (which it doesn't actually seem to be for her) herself.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:20 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
You should not mention it to her, bring it up, try to change anything, try to sneak any changes in, until she chooses to "solve" this "problem" (which it doesn't actually seem to be for her) herself.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:20 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
Is that the only way she can have an orgasm or the only way she can have an orgasm during intercourse? Most women do not have orgasms during intercourse. The book that was linked to is an excellent resource for anyone who is a cis female or who has sex with cis females. Also, you really need to read that book. Because if she is OK about not having orgasms during intercourse in different positions you had better learn to be OK with that too. Or get a vibrator and play together in different positions. Because it is no fun, in my experience, to have my partner all worried about my orgasms when I'm perfectly happy with whatever is going on with us. So this may be important to you and disastrous for her because you're giving her just one more thing to fail at in a sex life you claim is really satisfying to her. Also, go read some Dan Savage columns or listen to podcasts. Let her lead on this. If you want to do something, you read the book yourself first. Go educate yourself and then, when you are not having sex, bring up a few tidbits. Or not. But please for the love that all that is sexy, do not make this some kind of test she has to pass to make you somehow feel better.
posted by Bella Donna at 4:24 PM on October 11, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 4:24 PM on October 11, 2016 [14 favorites]
You could try cannabis lube, or even cannabis edibles (a small amount).
posted by My Dad at 4:25 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by My Dad at 4:25 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
She's says she's not very concerned about this? Well then, believe her!
I suspect you don't mean it this way but this:
"She says in the past she has not been able to come hardly ever, so in some ways I suppose our current situation is an improvement."
sounds a whole lot like she's a video game that you are playing and you get self-esteen points when she has an orgasm, regardless of if an orgasm is important to her or not.
You're going down on her and "after a while she will pull me up to initiate intercourse. I have read in some of the other threads here at this is not uncommon?" Who cares if it's uncommon? At that moment, she wants you to stop going down on her. Why would you think that was a problem to solve?
Listen to your parter and believe her.
posted by mcduff at 4:27 PM on October 11, 2016 [51 favorites]
I suspect you don't mean it this way but this:
"She says in the past she has not been able to come hardly ever, so in some ways I suppose our current situation is an improvement."
sounds a whole lot like she's a video game that you are playing and you get self-esteen points when she has an orgasm, regardless of if an orgasm is important to her or not.
You're going down on her and "after a while she will pull me up to initiate intercourse. I have read in some of the other threads here at this is not uncommon?" Who cares if it's uncommon? At that moment, she wants you to stop going down on her. Why would you think that was a problem to solve?
Listen to your parter and believe her.
posted by mcduff at 4:27 PM on October 11, 2016 [51 favorites]
The one thing I would like to be able to do for her, is to help her achieve an orgasm more easily.
That is nice of you but does she want this? I'm not entirely unlike your girlfriend and if a new guy started talking about this it would not be seen as helpful. For a lot of women who have tricky orgasms, they've probably dealt with a lot of shit about it from people and/or just decided to be happy with themselves and accept how their body works.
So if you decide this is a thin you'd like to pursue, you either need to do it as a couple because it's what she wants too, or you can try some things (that book is good) but try to keep yourself from making it a goal-oriented sort of pursuit. Bodies are great and they do a lot of great stuff but sex can be one of those things (particularly with people with body issues) that can get unfun fast when people are trying to make it go a certain way.
And as to what Bella Donna said, yeah if this is just about coming when fucking, maybe finding other ways to bring her to orgasm and get creative. But if you're looking for other good positions, this is one (wikipedia link but maybe NSFW) that gets a lot of good reviews and is pretty simple to achieve.
posted by jessamyn at 4:27 PM on October 11, 2016 [9 favorites]
That is nice of you but does she want this? I'm not entirely unlike your girlfriend and if a new guy started talking about this it would not be seen as helpful. For a lot of women who have tricky orgasms, they've probably dealt with a lot of shit about it from people and/or just decided to be happy with themselves and accept how their body works.
So if you decide this is a thin you'd like to pursue, you either need to do it as a couple because it's what she wants too, or you can try some things (that book is good) but try to keep yourself from making it a goal-oriented sort of pursuit. Bodies are great and they do a lot of great stuff but sex can be one of those things (particularly with people with body issues) that can get unfun fast when people are trying to make it go a certain way.
And as to what Bella Donna said, yeah if this is just about coming when fucking, maybe finding other ways to bring her to orgasm and get creative. But if you're looking for other good positions, this is one (wikipedia link but maybe NSFW) that gets a lot of good reviews and is pretty simple to achieve.
posted by jessamyn at 4:27 PM on October 11, 2016 [9 favorites]
I agree with the above advice, and the book Come As You Are is really really good. Okay also - I'm someone who can only orgasm in a couple positions, and lying flat on my back is the easiest and my husband and I basically use that during sex if we want me to orgasm (which, we don't always do FYI, sex isn't only about an orgasm). I'm okay with it. If your girlfriend is okay with it, you should just leave it be. It would annoy the shit out of me if my husband pushed something like this and it would also put a lot of pressure on me to perform, and keep attempting in other positions where I know even when I'm relaxed and alone, doesn't work great.
When my husband goes down on me, I often pull him up part way. I just, don't love it? It's hard to describe, but yeah, if she wants you to stop and do something else, just go with it!
If she decides she wants to try other positions to orgasm in, then go for it. Otherwise, just enjoy things between you two.
Also - you can try toys/vibrators too, but only if she wants to. Good luck!
posted by FireFountain at 4:45 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
When my husband goes down on me, I often pull him up part way. I just, don't love it? It's hard to describe, but yeah, if she wants you to stop and do something else, just go with it!
If she decides she wants to try other positions to orgasm in, then go for it. Otherwise, just enjoy things between you two.
Also - you can try toys/vibrators too, but only if she wants to. Good luck!
posted by FireFountain at 4:45 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
That's actually pretty common if my girl friends discussions about sex are anything to go by. It's a good position for friction with most guys and also how a lot of women masturbate. It's pretty normally a good position for women to get off.
Unless you can change the shape of your penis or pelvic bone to something else that's what works for her. Not your job to tell her she's doing sex wrong.
posted by fshgrl at 4:47 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Unless you can change the shape of your penis or pelvic bone to something else that's what works for her. Not your job to tell her she's doing sex wrong.
posted by fshgrl at 4:47 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
If she's interested in a during-intercourse vibrator, I can recommend the We-Vibe.
posted by metasarah at 4:57 PM on October 11, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 4:57 PM on October 11, 2016 [5 favorites]
Why do you want to do this? Has she said she'd like to try something different? I'm asking because it sounds like you might be more frustrated with the situation than she is and if so it might be worth thinking on that a bit before you approach her directly.
She's possibly more likely to be willing to try different things if you explain what you'd like for yourself, rather than couching it in terms of more orgasms for her. Believe it or not the big O is not the only pleasure to be had from sex for many women (and men too!).
posted by freya_lamb at 4:58 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
She's possibly more likely to be willing to try different things if you explain what you'd like for yourself, rather than couching it in terms of more orgasms for her. Believe it or not the big O is not the only pleasure to be had from sex for many women (and men too!).
posted by freya_lamb at 4:58 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Okay so I 100% agree that you should drop it unless she WANTS the project, but if you two together do decide to try something different, the toy you're looking for is called the Silver Bullet.
For a very long time, the only position that worked for me was something very similar to her preferred position. The silver bullet was my best friend.
posted by janey47 at 5:01 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
For a very long time, the only position that worked for me was something very similar to her preferred position. The silver bullet was my best friend.
posted by janey47 at 5:01 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think your intentions are good. As a person with a long history of sex issues, I get where you're coming from. I would say, as others have suggested, to not bring this up now; if you're both otherwise fulfilled sexually in this relationship, it might be something you let her bring up (if she wants to) as time goes on. I understand your desire to want her orgasms to be more easily achieved but it might be best to not let this bother you (as it doesn't seem to bother her). It sounds like your sex life is really fulfilling in lots of ways so maybe focus on that. :)
posted by sucre at 5:02 PM on October 11, 2016
posted by sucre at 5:02 PM on October 11, 2016
Also, the title of this question "Help us with our orgasms"? They are HER orgasms.
posted by mcduff at 5:02 PM on October 11, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by mcduff at 5:02 PM on October 11, 2016 [16 favorites]
I'm also someone who doesn't orgasm that easily and not often during intercourse and I find it really off-putting when men are pushy about this or imply in any way that this is inadequate. It makes me feel like they don't really care about my pleasure--that it's more of an ego thing for them. In your question, the fact that your partner has said that it isn't a problem for her emphasizes that impression. Women experience sex differently from men. She knows her body and her pleasure better than you do. If she doesn't have a problem with it, leave it alone. Otherwise, you risk turning it into a major point of insecurity for her.
posted by armadillo1224 at 5:08 PM on October 11, 2016 [28 favorites]
posted by armadillo1224 at 5:08 PM on October 11, 2016 [28 favorites]
You might find it helpful to read this thread, as a way of thinking about what it would mean for her to be okay with this situation. It does seem like you have good intentions, but you should also trust her to be aware of her own needs and desires.
I want to add that there is, in your post, an undercurrent that suggests she may feel ashamed of her body or of sexuality. This may or may not be true, and may or may not have anything to do with her frequency of orgasm. But most importantly, this is something that she may want or need help with, but--like orgasms--this is something where you need to wait for her to ask for that help, which will (if it ever happens at all!) probably take a while and require substantially more intimacy.
posted by dizziest at 5:12 PM on October 11, 2016
I want to add that there is, in your post, an undercurrent that suggests she may feel ashamed of her body or of sexuality. This may or may not be true, and may or may not have anything to do with her frequency of orgasm. But most importantly, this is something that she may want or need help with, but--like orgasms--this is something where you need to wait for her to ask for that help, which will (if it ever happens at all!) probably take a while and require substantially more intimacy.
posted by dizziest at 5:12 PM on October 11, 2016
she does not seem very concerned about it
Listen to her. You have a much better chance at long-term satisfaction with your partner via respectful communication than you do via orgasm-counting.
posted by headnsouth at 5:14 PM on October 11, 2016 [16 favorites]
Listen to her. You have a much better chance at long-term satisfaction with your partner via respectful communication than you do via orgasm-counting.
posted by headnsouth at 5:14 PM on October 11, 2016 [16 favorites]
I am making an assumption that you are male, I apologise if I am incorrect.
For many women, there is a lot of bullshit and shame surrounding sex for a lot of different reasons. These reasons are mostly irrelevant for the purposes of this comment but they all end up in the same place - her thoughts about the way her body looks or functions are what matter here, not yours. She has made herself vulnerable and shared some of these thoughts with you, presumably in the hopes you will understand more about the relationship she has with her body. She doesn't need to be fixed by an outside person and to try implies you think she is broken. Of course you want her to have an awesome time, but it does sound like you're projecting onto her your metrics about what constitutes an 'awesome time'. As someone who has been in your girlfriend's situation, I can say that there's nothing unsexier than feeling like you 'failed' at sex because your body didn't perform in the way your partner thought it should. One of the most important things I desire and expect from a partner is that when I tell them how I feel about something that they respect that and take me at my word. I do not think I am unusual in this. She says she is not overly concerned about it, so I would just drop it and continue as you have been while paying attention to her body language. If she has ideas about improving her chances at achieving orgasm, she can bring it up to you when she feels comfortable.
Besides, if you've only been having sex for a couple of months you are still learning about each other's bodies. This process can take a while and I know for me personally, it can take a long time to feel truly comfortable around a new partner.
posted by BeeJiddy at 5:16 PM on October 11, 2016 [13 favorites]
For many women, there is a lot of bullshit and shame surrounding sex for a lot of different reasons. These reasons are mostly irrelevant for the purposes of this comment but they all end up in the same place - her thoughts about the way her body looks or functions are what matter here, not yours. She has made herself vulnerable and shared some of these thoughts with you, presumably in the hopes you will understand more about the relationship she has with her body. She doesn't need to be fixed by an outside person and to try implies you think she is broken. Of course you want her to have an awesome time, but it does sound like you're projecting onto her your metrics about what constitutes an 'awesome time'. As someone who has been in your girlfriend's situation, I can say that there's nothing unsexier than feeling like you 'failed' at sex because your body didn't perform in the way your partner thought it should. One of the most important things I desire and expect from a partner is that when I tell them how I feel about something that they respect that and take me at my word. I do not think I am unusual in this. She says she is not overly concerned about it, so I would just drop it and continue as you have been while paying attention to her body language. If she has ideas about improving her chances at achieving orgasm, she can bring it up to you when she feels comfortable.
Besides, if you've only been having sex for a couple of months you are still learning about each other's bodies. This process can take a while and I know for me personally, it can take a long time to feel truly comfortable around a new partner.
posted by BeeJiddy at 5:16 PM on October 11, 2016 [13 favorites]
From what I understand - it's only for orgasm that she like this - right? Like, you're not only in one position forever during sex? If you're only ever doing one thing then I would understand wanting to switch that up.
However - most (all?) people have a preference or physical trigger for orgasm. You probably do too. That doesn't mean you can't do other things or that other things aren't enjoyable or fun. The goal of sex should be fun NOT orgasm as fast as possible. (I mean, sometimes that's fun too!)
If you're switching things up and having fun during sex and she just needs to be on her back with her legs down for a final ending? So what? Work with it. Unless it's preventing you from having fun around this time then it literally doesn't matter. Take turns doing what you each want. Good sex is based on good communication, compromise, and putting fun first. There's plenty of things that I find really really enjoyable but enjoyable doesn't equal certain types of orgasm.
I would assume if she's not "concerned" then she's enjoying sex. Work on communicating your preference and her preference without trying to change things. If you're truly incompatible or want to switch things up you'll find out by talking AND listening.
posted by Crystalinne at 5:41 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
However - most (all?) people have a preference or physical trigger for orgasm. You probably do too. That doesn't mean you can't do other things or that other things aren't enjoyable or fun. The goal of sex should be fun NOT orgasm as fast as possible. (I mean, sometimes that's fun too!)
If you're switching things up and having fun during sex and she just needs to be on her back with her legs down for a final ending? So what? Work with it. Unless it's preventing you from having fun around this time then it literally doesn't matter. Take turns doing what you each want. Good sex is based on good communication, compromise, and putting fun first. There's plenty of things that I find really really enjoyable but enjoyable doesn't equal certain types of orgasm.
I would assume if she's not "concerned" then she's enjoying sex. Work on communicating your preference and her preference without trying to change things. If you're truly incompatible or want to switch things up you'll find out by talking AND listening.
posted by Crystalinne at 5:41 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
There's nothing quite like a guy - I am assuming that you are a guy - telling you that you should come differently, or better, or in a different position. Back off. Drop this issue like a hot potato right now. Your intentions are good, but you're turning her body into a problem. This is the way she is, it doesn't bother her, and unless she starts wanting to orgasm in other positions, just let it go.
I am a woman who cannot orgasm from penetrative sex, like the vast majority of women. I'm not broken. I'm fine.
Oh, and "our orgasms?" Pretty sure they're "her" orgasms, dude.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:49 PM on October 11, 2016 [32 favorites]
I am a woman who cannot orgasm from penetrative sex, like the vast majority of women. I'm not broken. I'm fine.
Oh, and "our orgasms?" Pretty sure they're "her" orgasms, dude.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:49 PM on October 11, 2016 [32 favorites]
It sounds like you guys have fun during sex and she can orgasm, I'm guessing from masturbating just with her hands? That's an awesome place to start, yay!
As a cis lady who has sex with men, here's my personal vibrator recommendation. It's pricey, but works well/easy to clean/rechargeable. I'm a big fan of using lube, especially since I was mildly shamed by an early partner about being too dry and now it's fucked me up for life :) oh well.
With that vibe, I like to use it during doggy style penetrative sex, which you can keep your legs closed for. I also like it for cowgirl if I lean back some. Missionary is difficult since there isn't much room. She can play solo with it too.
Have fun!
posted by Drosera at 5:54 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
As a cis lady who has sex with men, here's my personal vibrator recommendation. It's pricey, but works well/easy to clean/rechargeable. I'm a big fan of using lube, especially since I was mildly shamed by an early partner about being too dry and now it's fucked me up for life :) oh well.
With that vibe, I like to use it during doggy style penetrative sex, which you can keep your legs closed for. I also like it for cowgirl if I lean back some. Missionary is difficult since there isn't much room. She can play solo with it too.
Have fun!
posted by Drosera at 5:54 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
This is like the porn version of the damsel in distress. Anyone wanting to fix how I orgasm would be shown the bedroom door, especially early on in a relationship.
Over time (months and years) she may feel comfortable enough to branch out but it needs to be her idea.
posted by toomanycurls at 6:05 PM on October 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
Over time (months and years) she may feel comfortable enough to branch out but it needs to be her idea.
posted by toomanycurls at 6:05 PM on October 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
I feel like you've gotten a little beaten up in these comments, so I hope you take them in the spirit they're offered -- of giving you a counterpoint, and a different way to look at this. My suggestion is that you ask her, "How do you feel about our sex life? Is there anything you wish we would do differently, or anything you'd like to try?" Then listen to what she says, without assuming you know how she's feeling or why. (For instance, you're saying that she has body issues, but maybe it's something very different or for a reason that you would never guess.) If she asks you the same thing in return, as pointed out above, don't try to teach her or fix her, but instead focus on your own pleasure or any worries you have about pleasing her.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:14 PM on October 11, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:14 PM on October 11, 2016 [5 favorites]
If this isn't a problem for her, then you don't need to try to fix it. She's normal and fine and doesn't need to be fixed.
posted by a strong female character at 7:19 PM on October 11, 2016
posted by a strong female character at 7:19 PM on October 11, 2016
If she's interested & wants to explore this with you, and you want to do this as a "hey it might be fun to try some new things in the bedroom & if you orgasm that'll be great but not a bit deal if you don't" kind of way I second the bullet or an egg of some sort, you can even leave it in place during intercourse as you can tuck it up between her labia folds onto the clit, let her have the controller and have fun.
Be willing to accept that you directly might not be able to bring her to orgasm, but with the help of some toy she can try some different positions, but some women really do find stretching & pointing their legs really do help them achieve orgasm & by having sex in that position you may well be doing the best thing to help her orgasm.
posted by wwax at 7:46 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Be willing to accept that you directly might not be able to bring her to orgasm, but with the help of some toy she can try some different positions, but some women really do find stretching & pointing their legs really do help them achieve orgasm & by having sex in that position you may well be doing the best thing to help her orgasm.
posted by wwax at 7:46 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Mod note: One comment deleted. Answers that are mostly browbeating the OP will be removed. Please just address the poster with helpful advice rather than commenting to "the room" about them. If the question annoys you too much to practice basic civility, just pass it by – otherwise, it's fine to respectfully point out problems with the premise.
posted by taz (staff) at 12:05 AM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:05 AM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
My partner and I enjoy the most amazing, intimate, and in many ways incredibly satisfying sex.
That's great! This is #lifegoals right there. It sounds like your heart is very much in the right place here, and it really is wonderful that you want to make your girlfriend's pleasure a priority.
That said, I'm with the other commenters in that the second you start conflating the "amazing, intimate" sex you're having with the number of orgasms achieved (by her or by you), you lose the fun spontaneity of sex and it starts becoming a performative chore rather than something fun and joyous you both share. Don't fall into this trap!
A lot of women can only come under certain circumstances or in certain positions; it's quite normal. By drawing attention to this or expressing astonishment that your girlfriend is ONLY capable of coming in this specific position can a) make her self-conscious about how her body functions and b) displays a lack of understanding of how varied sexual response can be.
If your girlfriend is unconcerned with it and you've already talked about it before, I would just let it be, honestly. The most important thing to do here is to keep that channel of communication open so she knows that if she DOES want to try something different, she knows she can talk with you about it. If you come on too strong with your ideas about what sex with her should look like or function like, that can be very off-putting.
I might ask her if she would be interested in incorporating a vibrator into your sex life at some point in the future, but do NOT frame it in a way that puts the onus on her to come because of it. Frame it more as something sexy and fun you'd like to try with her if she's interested, not because you think that this is the key to unlocking more orgasm positions. If she seems down with it, let her pick it out unless she expressly says she wants to be surprised. The Je Joue Mimi Soft is particularly awesome and body safe and versatile enough to be used a lot of different ways, but there are loads of options.
posted by helloimjennsco at 10:39 AM on October 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
That's great! This is #lifegoals right there. It sounds like your heart is very much in the right place here, and it really is wonderful that you want to make your girlfriend's pleasure a priority.
That said, I'm with the other commenters in that the second you start conflating the "amazing, intimate" sex you're having with the number of orgasms achieved (by her or by you), you lose the fun spontaneity of sex and it starts becoming a performative chore rather than something fun and joyous you both share. Don't fall into this trap!
A lot of women can only come under certain circumstances or in certain positions; it's quite normal. By drawing attention to this or expressing astonishment that your girlfriend is ONLY capable of coming in this specific position can a) make her self-conscious about how her body functions and b) displays a lack of understanding of how varied sexual response can be.
If your girlfriend is unconcerned with it and you've already talked about it before, I would just let it be, honestly. The most important thing to do here is to keep that channel of communication open so she knows that if she DOES want to try something different, she knows she can talk with you about it. If you come on too strong with your ideas about what sex with her should look like or function like, that can be very off-putting.
I might ask her if she would be interested in incorporating a vibrator into your sex life at some point in the future, but do NOT frame it in a way that puts the onus on her to come because of it. Frame it more as something sexy and fun you'd like to try with her if she's interested, not because you think that this is the key to unlocking more orgasm positions. If she seems down with it, let her pick it out unless she expressly says she wants to be surprised. The Je Joue Mimi Soft is particularly awesome and body safe and versatile enough to be used a lot of different ways, but there are loads of options.
posted by helloimjennsco at 10:39 AM on October 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think what you are saying is that you want to know that you are pleasing your partner, and that her inability to orgasm through other than stimulation in one non-partnered position is casting doubt on your ability to do that. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, and it is extremely common. We don't know much about male sexuality in heterosexual relationships. The notion that you are responsible for her pleasure and wounded when she does not seem to experience pleasure through means that you prefer to give it (oral sex) is something that I think almost everyone with a Y chromosome experiences.
The solution is to be honest about your feelings, including the part where you feel wounded, and work things out together. Suffering in silence is not a winning strategy. If it makes her feel bad, then she is an adult and you (who are also an adult) will have to come up with effective strategies for dealing with these unintentionally wounding moments if you are to have a vibrant and fulfilling relationship.
"It bothers me that I can't get you off from oral." is a wonderful place to start. Listen to what she has to say. Come up with a compromise, even if that compromise is her showing empathy and concern for your feelings, but telling you that this is just how she is wired. Back off? No. Lean in. Lean *way* in.
posted by Mr. Fig at 2:51 PM on October 12, 2016
The solution is to be honest about your feelings, including the part where you feel wounded, and work things out together. Suffering in silence is not a winning strategy. If it makes her feel bad, then she is an adult and you (who are also an adult) will have to come up with effective strategies for dealing with these unintentionally wounding moments if you are to have a vibrant and fulfilling relationship.
"It bothers me that I can't get you off from oral." is a wonderful place to start. Listen to what she has to say. Come up with a compromise, even if that compromise is her showing empathy and concern for your feelings, but telling you that this is just how she is wired. Back off? No. Lean in. Lean *way* in.
posted by Mr. Fig at 2:51 PM on October 12, 2016
Not all women like oral, and some hate it. Let this go.
posted by sideofwry at 4:39 PM on October 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by sideofwry at 4:39 PM on October 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
The solution is to be honest about your feelings, including the part where you feel wounded, and work things out together.
I could not disagree more vehemently. If I have to console one more "wounded" sex partner about my "failure" to orgasm from things they want me to orgasm from, I swear to fucking christ....
posted by randomnity at 5:41 PM on October 12, 2016 [17 favorites]
I could not disagree more vehemently. If I have to console one more "wounded" sex partner about my "failure" to orgasm from things they want me to orgasm from, I swear to fucking christ....
posted by randomnity at 5:41 PM on October 12, 2016 [17 favorites]
The solution is to be honest about your feelings
Put me on team NEVER bring this up. Lie about your feelings, they are unhelpful and making her body's functions about your pride. Don't do that.
posted by French Fry at 7:22 PM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Put me on team NEVER bring this up. Lie about your feelings, they are unhelpful and making her body's functions about your pride. Don't do that.
posted by French Fry at 7:22 PM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
You know, this isn't wrong: "Suffering in silence is not a winning strategy." Maybe this does need to be discussed by the OP. In therapy. Without his/her girlfriend present. This is not her issue. Look, if it bothers a partner that I can't do this or that in bed or that I come this way and not that other way or blah blah blah, that is his problem and not mine. This kind of thing has the potential to be profoundly damaging. I have had someone sit me down for the whole "it bothers me that you don't come when I do X" thing and let me tell you: it can go wrong about ten thousand different ways, and it has a very small, small chance of going well. I haven't even seen that guy for four years and let me tell you, I think about this conversation a lot. My ex did go about it particularly badly, but if it does go badly it really can be very damaging.
The way I see it, there are two options: (1) Work through this alone because it's not her battle and it is not only deeply unfair, it is hurtful to make her work on it with you; or (2) Break up with her and find someone you're more sexually compatible with after you've done some reflection on what you gave up and why you gave it up (because look, if this is really all about "improving" this "situation" that she is not particularly bothered by... isn't it worse to leave her and give her no orgasms at all and never talk to her again?). Neither option includes telling her that you're bothered that she doesn't come from whatever . This is not her problem and making it her problem by discussing it with her is, at best, hurtful; at worst, cruel.
posted by sockermom at 8:05 PM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
The way I see it, there are two options: (1) Work through this alone because it's not her battle and it is not only deeply unfair, it is hurtful to make her work on it with you; or (2) Break up with her and find someone you're more sexually compatible with after you've done some reflection on what you gave up and why you gave it up (because look, if this is really all about "improving" this "situation" that she is not particularly bothered by... isn't it worse to leave her and give her no orgasms at all and never talk to her again?). Neither option includes telling her that you're bothered that she doesn't come from whatever . This is not her problem and making it her problem by discussing it with her is, at best, hurtful; at worst, cruel.
posted by sockermom at 8:05 PM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Echoing the comments above. If you want to center her pleasure, start by centering her experience. Really ask her — "What do you want? How can I give you pleasure? What would you like to try?" And then do that thing.
But sometimes you do need a supportive, patient hand to overcome longstanding issues of body shame. Some people need to see it reflected in a partner's eyes; I know I did. Though you can't lead this fight, or even choose it for her, you can sure as hell support your GF as she muddles, balks and shimmies through it.
Play a long game here. I think you should strive to make yourself open, affirming, available and encouraging. Give up control, let her lead. Reward your partner with loads of positive attention whenever she expresses interest in new or different activities. Ignore or gently push back on body-shaming; tell her loudly and often what a babe she is (in all ways, not just her body!); say how great she smells, even before the shower; and give her time, time, time to build trust.
Remember, the world tells women that our pleasure is shameful, dirty, second-rate and in service to other people. She may have taken these messages to heart even if she doesn't process them consciously. This can look like not having preferences "Oh I don't know, that's fine..." or careful redirection "Why don't you just fuck me instead?" or overthinking or awkward stiffness or always caring for your pleasure first. Everyone feels it differently. If she's not enthusiastic, big red flag. SHOW HER QUIETLY — BY EXAMPLE — these messages are false!
Which is to say, you can take a sentence at face value when the speaker is strong and in control.
But when you feel powerless, you're inclined to hide or couch your real feelings. And orgasm is a very vulnerable place.
So DO BELIEVE your girlfriend and TAKE HER WORD point blank. Anything less is condescending and vile. Maybe what you have is what you got.
But it also sounds to me like she has some shit to work through. And you can keep a watchful eye and steer a quiet hand without interfering in her natural process of being.
(This undoing takes a lifetime, btw.)
Just be there for her and show up when she calls. If you're patient, she will.
posted by fritillary at 2:50 AM on October 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
But sometimes you do need a supportive, patient hand to overcome longstanding issues of body shame. Some people need to see it reflected in a partner's eyes; I know I did. Though you can't lead this fight, or even choose it for her, you can sure as hell support your GF as she muddles, balks and shimmies through it.
Play a long game here. I think you should strive to make yourself open, affirming, available and encouraging. Give up control, let her lead. Reward your partner with loads of positive attention whenever she expresses interest in new or different activities. Ignore or gently push back on body-shaming; tell her loudly and often what a babe she is (in all ways, not just her body!); say how great she smells, even before the shower; and give her time, time, time to build trust.
Remember, the world tells women that our pleasure is shameful, dirty, second-rate and in service to other people. She may have taken these messages to heart even if she doesn't process them consciously. This can look like not having preferences "Oh I don't know, that's fine..." or careful redirection "Why don't you just fuck me instead?" or overthinking or awkward stiffness or always caring for your pleasure first. Everyone feels it differently. If she's not enthusiastic, big red flag. SHOW HER QUIETLY — BY EXAMPLE — these messages are false!
Which is to say, you can take a sentence at face value when the speaker is strong and in control.
But when you feel powerless, you're inclined to hide or couch your real feelings. And orgasm is a very vulnerable place.
So DO BELIEVE your girlfriend and TAKE HER WORD point blank. Anything less is condescending and vile. Maybe what you have is what you got.
But it also sounds to me like she has some shit to work through. And you can keep a watchful eye and steer a quiet hand without interfering in her natural process of being.
(This undoing takes a lifetime, btw.)
Just be there for her and show up when she calls. If you're patient, she will.
posted by fritillary at 2:50 AM on October 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: woaw, I can't tell you all how hurt I feel by all of this - and thanks to the few of you who actually don't portray me as some sexist, egocentric, mysogniistic and even cruel 'dude' - and in particular to the one or two who acknowledged that a real person with actual feelings (and good intentions) wrote the original post.
I am actually crying now - so thanks guys.
I love my girlfriend and all I want is for her to have the greatest amount of pleasure possible, that's all.
I have no 'problem' with her not having an orgasm, I don't see her as 'broken', I don't need to 'fix' her or get her to orgams for the benefit of my ego, and I used the expression 'our orgasms' as I hate thinking of her or my orgasm as something separate from the other person.
Does that mean I need therapy, as one of you suggested?
I believe that a lot of the comments here, although perhaps coming from a good place, are quite sexist in their assumptions about me as a man, and possibly more driven by peope's own (negative) experiences and perceptions than a positive outlook.
Having said that, a useful take-away is that the consensus is to let her bring it up if and when she wants to. That's useful advice.
If only the advice had been more sensitively offered.
posted by sinbarambam at 2:57 AM on October 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am actually crying now - so thanks guys.
I love my girlfriend and all I want is for her to have the greatest amount of pleasure possible, that's all.
I have no 'problem' with her not having an orgasm, I don't see her as 'broken', I don't need to 'fix' her or get her to orgams for the benefit of my ego, and I used the expression 'our orgasms' as I hate thinking of her or my orgasm as something separate from the other person.
Does that mean I need therapy, as one of you suggested?
I believe that a lot of the comments here, although perhaps coming from a good place, are quite sexist in their assumptions about me as a man, and possibly more driven by peope's own (negative) experiences and perceptions than a positive outlook.
Having said that, a useful take-away is that the consensus is to let her bring it up if and when she wants to. That's useful advice.
If only the advice had been more sensitively offered.
posted by sinbarambam at 2:57 AM on October 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
OP, sorry that you're upset by the answers that you've gotten, but calling a bunch of female mefites "sexist" because your post offended and triggered them shows that you really don't get it. Your original post showed a pretty typical, problematic male view of female sexuality, and we called you out on it. That doesn't mean you're a terrible person, but it means that you need to check your privilege and learn from this experience.
I still don't like the use of the word "our orgasms", but I understand your use of the term. But it's her body. Men have a history of taking ownership of women's bodies and experiences. The reverse isn't really true, and that's why people have a problem with your use of that term.
I am a woman. I have had sexual experiences with men who described my orgasms in the terms that you use to talk about your girlfriend, and it really bothered me. Listen to me, and listen to the other women in the thread and really think about what we are saying instead of reacting defensively.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:00 AM on October 13, 2016 [13 favorites]
I still don't like the use of the word "our orgasms", but I understand your use of the term. But it's her body. Men have a history of taking ownership of women's bodies and experiences. The reverse isn't really true, and that's why people have a problem with your use of that term.
I am a woman. I have had sexual experiences with men who described my orgasms in the terms that you use to talk about your girlfriend, and it really bothered me. Listen to me, and listen to the other women in the thread and really think about what we are saying instead of reacting defensively.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:00 AM on October 13, 2016 [13 favorites]
I would say the label of egocentric appears to apply here (based on what you've written), so I wouldn't dismiss that out of anger. It's really common for men to view giving women orgasms as a mark of virility, that having a partner who doesn't or rarely orgasms is a failing of themselves. It's not uncommon for women to experience their partner getting irrationally defensive and angry when they don't "perform" properly (there's a reason the majority of women fake orgasms). So when you post about how to get your girlfriend to have more of "our" orgasms, there are going to be a lot of JESUS NO coming from women who've been in your girlfriend's place.
It's fair you were not aware of this dynamic, but your reaction to finding out it exists is ego-based. You've taken it as a personal attack. How would you have taken it if you had tried that conversation with your girlfriend and she had replied as the women in this thread did?
All of that, wanting your girlfriend to perform (labelled as wanting her to have more pleasure, but without HER saying she wishes to have more pleasure it's solely coming from your desires), thinking of her orgasms as "ours", getting very angry and defensive at criticism, even while admitting there might be truth in it lashing out that it was improperly handed to you, those are all marks of ego. You can have good intentions and still be acting based on your own ego, if you believe that's a personal failing then start confronting your beliefs and reactions.
posted by Dynex at 8:50 AM on October 14, 2016
It's fair you were not aware of this dynamic, but your reaction to finding out it exists is ego-based. You've taken it as a personal attack. How would you have taken it if you had tried that conversation with your girlfriend and she had replied as the women in this thread did?
All of that, wanting your girlfriend to perform (labelled as wanting her to have more pleasure, but without HER saying she wishes to have more pleasure it's solely coming from your desires), thinking of her orgasms as "ours", getting very angry and defensive at criticism, even while admitting there might be truth in it lashing out that it was improperly handed to you, those are all marks of ego. You can have good intentions and still be acting based on your own ego, if you believe that's a personal failing then start confronting your beliefs and reactions.
posted by Dynex at 8:50 AM on October 14, 2016
I hate thinking of her or my orgasm as something separate from the other person.
You realize she can have an orgasm without your help, don't you? Her body is her own. Her orgasm is her own. She retains sole ownership of both regardless of her relationship status.
posted by headnsouth at 9:50 AM on October 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
You realize she can have an orgasm without your help, don't you? Her body is her own. Her orgasm is her own. She retains sole ownership of both regardless of her relationship status.
posted by headnsouth at 9:50 AM on October 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hey, I'm the one who suggested a therapist. The reason I suggested this is not because there is something wrong with you. I suggest this because you're trying to figure something out that is difficult for a lot of people, and a therapist is a neutral third party to talk with about tough stuff. You don't have to be mentally ill to see a therapist. In fact, I've found that the most stable and mentally healthy people I know are much more likely to go to therapy on a regular basis. It's not a sign of weakness or deficiency to go to therapy. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
Anyhow, my comment about therapy was not meant to indicate that there is something wrong with you, nor was it an insult.
posted by sockermom at 11:28 PM on October 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Anyhow, my comment about therapy was not meant to indicate that there is something wrong with you, nor was it an insult.
posted by sockermom at 11:28 PM on October 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by AliceBlue at 4:08 PM on October 11, 2016 [6 favorites]