Is it unreasonable to bow out of a work trip?
October 11, 2016 12:06 PM Subscribe
My business is planning an out of state week-long meeting for next spring, with hundreds of people coming in from across the country.... the week before my wedding. Am I unreasonable for asking for an exemption?
Possibly relevant details: I am in a managerial position, but not very senior. Aside from struggling with (medically diagnosed) anxiety, I also get sick fairly easily and pick up germs everywhere.
The set of meetings is supposedly mandatory, and finishes two days before people will start arriving into town for my wedding. It's basically a nightmare scenario for me, because I love my job and my colleagues, and this could be an important opportunity to meet with them.
Should I tell my boss now that this isn't going to work for me?
Possibly relevant details: I am in a managerial position, but not very senior. Aside from struggling with (medically diagnosed) anxiety, I also get sick fairly easily and pick up germs everywhere.
The set of meetings is supposedly mandatory, and finishes two days before people will start arriving into town for my wedding. It's basically a nightmare scenario for me, because I love my job and my colleagues, and this could be an important opportunity to meet with them.
Should I tell my boss now that this isn't going to work for me?
Other people will give you better advice than I can about negotiating corporate hierarchies or whatever but:
Aside from struggling with (medically diagnosed) anxiety, I also get sick fairly easily and pick up germs everywhere.
I have no idea if you're mentioning this for our benefit but at the risk of giving obvious advice: don't mention any of this stuff to management if you're walking in with "I can't go to the big meeting because of my imminent wedding".
If the wedding is the reason, the wedding is the reason. Piling stuff on top of that makes you look at best desperate (which, fair enough, it's sort of a desperate time, but still probably not going to help your case or reputation) or suspicious at worst.
posted by griphus at 12:13 PM on October 11, 2016 [39 favorites]
Aside from struggling with (medically diagnosed) anxiety, I also get sick fairly easily and pick up germs everywhere.
I have no idea if you're mentioning this for our benefit but at the risk of giving obvious advice: don't mention any of this stuff to management if you're walking in with "I can't go to the big meeting because of my imminent wedding".
If the wedding is the reason, the wedding is the reason. Piling stuff on top of that makes you look at best desperate (which, fair enough, it's sort of a desperate time, but still probably not going to help your case or reputation) or suspicious at worst.
posted by griphus at 12:13 PM on October 11, 2016 [39 favorites]
This seems like a legitimate reason to get out of something like this. The week before a wedding is crazy for all involved.
posted by bondcliff at 12:14 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bondcliff at 12:14 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Am I unreasonable for asking for an exemption?
No
posted by thelonius at 12:16 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
No
posted by thelonius at 12:16 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: griphus, sorry, I only meant that I really don't want to be sick or anxious the week before my wedding.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:18 PM on October 11, 2016
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:18 PM on October 11, 2016
The wedding issue is legit. The more you make yourself sound like a special snowflake otherwise, though, the more you'll harm your case.
posted by praemunire at 12:18 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 12:18 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
Nthing that it's completely reasonable to bow out of this trip.
(and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!)
posted by DingoMutt at 12:20 PM on October 11, 2016
(and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!)
posted by DingoMutt at 12:20 PM on October 11, 2016
It's certainly not unreasonable to ask, but I also think (depending on the details of your company and the meeting) that it is not unreasonable for your boss to decline to allow you the exemption. I would suggest not coming into it as a yes or no situation, because then if it is no, you are put in a really shitty position. Rather approach it as a collaborative "what can we do to make this work for all of us?" situation. Maybe you leave the meeting early, maybe you have reduced responsibilities at the meeting, maybe you only fly in for a day or two, etc.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:23 PM on October 11, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 12:23 PM on October 11, 2016 [7 favorites]
Frankly my initial gut reaction is that yes, it is unreasonable to beg off of work activities a full week before your wedding. I recognize this opinion is not universal and I myself would not judge you for handling this situation however you want, but I have a general impression that this would be allowing your wedding to impinge on your work too much.
Unfortunately, this is especially so since it is a big important event for your company. If it was just business as usual and you half-assed it and got people to cover for you in the week leading up to your wedding, that would be one thing. Shirking a major event is bad, though. Also even if your coworkers can genuinely assure you they won't judge you adversely for this, you're right to worry that you will inherently miss valuable opportunities if you're not there.
Is there any way you could find a compromise position? For example, go for the first 5-6 days and leave 1-2 days early? Obviously I don't know the schedule, but this might enable you to attend the vast majority of significant sessions and just miss a wrap-up dinner or whatever. On the other end, since you do have so long to plan before next spring, would it be possible to hire a wedding planner for the limited purpose of handling vendor requests, etc., during that specific week? Give your vendors very clear directions that questions regarding X, Y, and Z must be resolved 10 days ahead of time?
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 12:23 PM on October 11, 2016 [6 favorites]
Unfortunately, this is especially so since it is a big important event for your company. If it was just business as usual and you half-assed it and got people to cover for you in the week leading up to your wedding, that would be one thing. Shirking a major event is bad, though. Also even if your coworkers can genuinely assure you they won't judge you adversely for this, you're right to worry that you will inherently miss valuable opportunities if you're not there.
Is there any way you could find a compromise position? For example, go for the first 5-6 days and leave 1-2 days early? Obviously I don't know the schedule, but this might enable you to attend the vast majority of significant sessions and just miss a wrap-up dinner or whatever. On the other end, since you do have so long to plan before next spring, would it be possible to hire a wedding planner for the limited purpose of handling vendor requests, etc., during that specific week? Give your vendors very clear directions that questions regarding X, Y, and Z must be resolved 10 days ahead of time?
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 12:23 PM on October 11, 2016 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry, I'll stop threadsitting. My main issues are that I have anxiety about sleeping away from home, and that I have anxiety about picking up something (germs, bedbugs, whatever) at the hotel so close to the wedding. It's not really an issue of going for part of the week or not.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:27 PM on October 11, 2016
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:27 PM on October 11, 2016
As somebody who travels frequently for work, I am here to assure you that it is TOTALLY REASONABLE for you to say you are unable to travel a week before your wedding. I agree with others that you don't need to mention the anxiety or potential for sickness - just that your wedding plans have already been set and unfortunately that week is not available.
posted by joan_holloway at 12:34 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by joan_holloway at 12:34 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
Please don't mention germs, bedbugs, or anxiety.
Simply tell them the trip conflicts with your wedding. That's it. You don't give excuses or explain.
Since this is months in advance, your other choice is to get very organized for your wedding so that absolutely everything is accomplished before your business trip + get treatment for your anxiety.
posted by jbenben at 12:36 PM on October 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
Simply tell them the trip conflicts with your wedding. That's it. You don't give excuses or explain.
Since this is months in advance, your other choice is to get very organized for your wedding so that absolutely everything is accomplished before your business trip + get treatment for your anxiety.
posted by jbenben at 12:36 PM on October 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Sorry, I'll stop threadsitting. My main issues are that I have anxiety about sleeping away from home, and that I have anxiety about picking up something (germs, bedbugs, whatever) at the hotel so close to the wedding. It's not really an issue of going for part of the week or not.
I get that, but I think you would be wise to consider some sort of compromise you can offer if your boss does not enthusiastically agree to you not going to the meeting at all. If going for fewer days is not an acceptable compromise, you might want to think of some that are (can you video conference in to important meetings, for example) We are not in a great position to know what kind of compromises would make sense, as it depends on the type of business you are in and the details of the meeting.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:36 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
I get that, but I think you would be wise to consider some sort of compromise you can offer if your boss does not enthusiastically agree to you not going to the meeting at all. If going for fewer days is not an acceptable compromise, you might want to think of some that are (can you video conference in to important meetings, for example) We are not in a great position to know what kind of compromises would make sense, as it depends on the type of business you are in and the details of the meeting.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:36 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Maybe as part of your request for an exemption, ask if you can attend remotely. Surely they could set up a conference call? That way you look proactive about suggesting an alternative.
posted by clone boulevard at 12:37 PM on October 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by clone boulevard at 12:37 PM on October 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
Ask, but some companies make a BFD of these retreats. If they do allow you to bow out, be prepared to accept passive-aggressiveness from management and HR for some time after. Management live for this shit, and anyone who can't make it isn't a team player.
posted by scruss at 1:34 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by scruss at 1:34 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Frankly my initial gut reaction is that yes, it is unreasonable to beg off of work activities a full week before your wedding.
Heartily disagree with this. I fully agree with griphus though that you should leave mention of illness and anxiety out of it. I would give my reason that it's one week before the wedding and you will have out-of-town guests and final logistics. If your boss says no, there's not much you can do short of quitting, but there's nothing unreasonable about presenting your (succinct) case and seeing what the response is. Do it as soon as possible so your work can plan around your absence. You aren't half-assing things or leaving burdens on your colleagues shoulders or letting your personal life impinge on work too much. A functional workplace needs to have contingency plans in place for workers' absences.
posted by JenMarie at 1:45 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
Heartily disagree with this. I fully agree with griphus though that you should leave mention of illness and anxiety out of it. I would give my reason that it's one week before the wedding and you will have out-of-town guests and final logistics. If your boss says no, there's not much you can do short of quitting, but there's nothing unreasonable about presenting your (succinct) case and seeing what the response is. Do it as soon as possible so your work can plan around your absence. You aren't half-assing things or leaving burdens on your colleagues shoulders or letting your personal life impinge on work too much. A functional workplace needs to have contingency plans in place for workers' absences.
posted by JenMarie at 1:45 PM on October 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
Did your boss know about your wedding when they told you about this retreat? And if you do not go, do you have enough vacation time for this + wedding + honeymoon, or can you take unpaid time?
Some companies will say yes, some no, some will allow different sorts of compromises, and you need to figure out which ones you are willing to accept, and whether you need the week's pay or vacation.
posted by jeather at 1:50 PM on October 11, 2016
Some companies will say yes, some no, some will allow different sorts of compromises, and you need to figure out which ones you are willing to accept, and whether you need the week's pay or vacation.
posted by jeather at 1:50 PM on October 11, 2016
I would ask without giving too many details. ie, don't say it's a week before your wedding, say it conflicts with wedding plans. I work for an organization where these kind of retreats are a big deal. There's almost someone who has to miss (or video conference in) for family or health reasons and no one reasonable judges them for it.
If you do have to go, think about what you can do to minimize your anxiety, since it does seem like that's a big issue. For instance, if you're normally expected to share a room, ask to have a private room (and offer to pay if that's the corporate culture); take measures to boost your immune system during the trip; read up on how to minimize the risk of bed bugs. But also, maybe talk through this with a therapist if you don't already see one. Not because anxiety about travel or weddings is weird or anything, but because they can probably help you find ways to manage it so it doesn't ruin your week or you don't spend the next 6 months fretting.
posted by lunasol at 2:03 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you do have to go, think about what you can do to minimize your anxiety, since it does seem like that's a big issue. For instance, if you're normally expected to share a room, ask to have a private room (and offer to pay if that's the corporate culture); take measures to boost your immune system during the trip; read up on how to minimize the risk of bed bugs. But also, maybe talk through this with a therapist if you don't already see one. Not because anxiety about travel or weddings is weird or anything, but because they can probably help you find ways to manage it so it doesn't ruin your week or you don't spend the next 6 months fretting.
posted by lunasol at 2:03 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with others, it's unclear whether work will let you out of this (and some of that depends on timing which is unclear), but I'd go in to it with a few assumptions
- work will probably not be jerks about this but if they are you will have to decide how you feel about that
- this is especially true if I try to find a way to make it work
- key phrase "I'm sorry that won't be possible I have a house full of guests and final wedding prep with appointments every day" (or whatever)
- follow up with I can make myself available for key meetings via teleconferencing (whatever) and make it sound like you're really making an effort despite unavoidable obstacles
I am a person with anxiety and some travel related hypochondria and I concur with others that you do not mention this. Those are your private reasons but your boss does not care about them and should not have to manage those things for you. Do not use words like nightmare or germs or sleep issues. Do use words like compromise, unavoidable and family obligation. The big deal is that they are dealing with a TON of people all of whom have special preferences, issues and concerns. Try to make your case clearly and come to the table with constructive ways you can still participate on a limited basis that are low effort for them. They don't know what your wedding entails, they don't know that you don't have a house full of people a whole week early. It's ok to ask, the worst that happens is they say no.
posted by jessamyn at 2:05 PM on October 11, 2016 [7 favorites]
- work will probably not be jerks about this but if they are you will have to decide how you feel about that
- this is especially true if I try to find a way to make it work
- key phrase "I'm sorry that won't be possible I have a house full of guests and final wedding prep with appointments every day" (or whatever)
- follow up with I can make myself available for key meetings via teleconferencing (whatever) and make it sound like you're really making an effort despite unavoidable obstacles
I am a person with anxiety and some travel related hypochondria and I concur with others that you do not mention this. Those are your private reasons but your boss does not care about them and should not have to manage those things for you. Do not use words like nightmare or germs or sleep issues. Do use words like compromise, unavoidable and family obligation. The big deal is that they are dealing with a TON of people all of whom have special preferences, issues and concerns. Try to make your case clearly and come to the table with constructive ways you can still participate on a limited basis that are low effort for them. They don't know what your wedding entails, they don't know that you don't have a house full of people a whole week early. It's ok to ask, the worst that happens is they say no.
posted by jessamyn at 2:05 PM on October 11, 2016 [7 favorites]
You're totally not unreasonable. I wouldn't go, but I've always had reasonable work environments.
I'll add support to the idea that perhaps it's reasonable to offer to go, say, Mon-Wed instead of Mon-Fri, since you also say you really kinda DO want to do this, and the problem is its proximity to your wedding.
posted by uberchet at 2:18 PM on October 11, 2016
I'll add support to the idea that perhaps it's reasonable to offer to go, say, Mon-Wed instead of Mon-Fri, since you also say you really kinda DO want to do this, and the problem is its proximity to your wedding.
posted by uberchet at 2:18 PM on October 11, 2016
I am a manager and I would not find this request unreasonable at all BUT I've been married before and I think that might be a factor. I honestly think that if you've never planned a wedding you might not understand how much work is involved, so you may need to be strategic about how you present your request and to who. (During the presidential debate on Sunday, Trump literally said, it takes what, three or four emails to plan a wedding? and every married person in the audience was like um, no, thousands of emails would definitely be involved in that.)
Don't over-complicate it but DO bring it up to your manager as soon as you possibly can. Just say the trip is X-Y dates and my wedding guests start to arrive Z; with the unavoidable family commitments I have that week it's not possible for me to attend the meetings, how can we work together on this? They might actually need one person from the office to stay home and keep an eye on things there, if so YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON.
Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!
posted by kate blank at 2:50 PM on October 11, 2016
Don't over-complicate it but DO bring it up to your manager as soon as you possibly can. Just say the trip is X-Y dates and my wedding guests start to arrive Z; with the unavoidable family commitments I have that week it's not possible for me to attend the meetings, how can we work together on this? They might actually need one person from the office to stay home and keep an eye on things there, if so YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON.
Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!
posted by kate blank at 2:50 PM on October 11, 2016
Jobs are are jobs but this is your WEDDING! I am the least wedding-oriented person out there but even I get that this is big deal and absolutely ok to be a priority over work - it's not like you'll be doing it every year. Just be cheery and offer to help out with pre-meeting prep but let them know that although you're really bummed out about missing the work shebang it just won't be possible for you to renege on wedding week obligations.
Unless you're the POTUS or some other high stakes exec I seriously cannot imagine an employer demanding that you attend an out of state do at this time.
posted by freya_lamb at 4:39 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Unless you're the POTUS or some other high stakes exec I seriously cannot imagine an employer demanding that you attend an out of state do at this time.
posted by freya_lamb at 4:39 PM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Honestly?
I'm also in the throes of wedding planning, and this is not a thing I would do unless it was absolutely necessary.
If you have specific obligations that mean you are not available to travel out of town for work, say that and be prepared to talk about what they are in a clear and confident way. "I'm getting married Saturday the 19th, and my parents, inlaws, and several other family members are all arriving Thursday the 17th. I have a dress fitting and final meeting with the caterer on Wednesday the 16th. This will make it almost impossible for me to be out of town between the 14th and 18th."
If there's no particular reason you can't go, you just don't want to go and are hoping that your boss sees "wedding" as a legitimate excuse to get out of something lame nobody wants to be on the hook for, I would just suck it up and do your job just like all of your other coworkers.
Alternately, you could always ask and just be prepared to hear no.
posted by Sara C. at 4:56 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm also in the throes of wedding planning, and this is not a thing I would do unless it was absolutely necessary.
If you have specific obligations that mean you are not available to travel out of town for work, say that and be prepared to talk about what they are in a clear and confident way. "I'm getting married Saturday the 19th, and my parents, inlaws, and several other family members are all arriving Thursday the 17th. I have a dress fitting and final meeting with the caterer on Wednesday the 16th. This will make it almost impossible for me to be out of town between the 14th and 18th."
If there's no particular reason you can't go, you just don't want to go and are hoping that your boss sees "wedding" as a legitimate excuse to get out of something lame nobody wants to be on the hook for, I would just suck it up and do your job just like all of your other coworkers.
Alternately, you could always ask and just be prepared to hear no.
posted by Sara C. at 4:56 PM on October 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't think it's an unreasonable request. I appreciate you providing the context to the Green about why this is a more significant concern for you than it might be for some other people, but 100% agree you should not mention anxiety, germs, or similar concerns to ANYONE at work. I would approach your manager with as little details as possible and say something like, "X meeting is occurring a week before my wedding and presents several conflicts, but I understand how important X meeting is. Do you have any suggestions about how to manage these conflicts? Would it be possible to attend remotely or something similar?" Pay careful attention to your manager's response and go from there. My guess is you'll get a pass, especially if you do some extra prep work you might not normally do to make your colleagues' out-of-town experience easier. Congrats on your nuptials and good luck with your request!
posted by katemcd at 8:19 PM on October 11, 2016
posted by katemcd at 8:19 PM on October 11, 2016
However much of a BFD this is, surely there must be some people in the company for whom a whole week out of state is impossible? It's not 'shirking work duties' to say 'er, I have to pick my kids up from school/care for my sick neighbour/you don't own me after 5pm/etc'. (caveat: not an American, may have different attitude to work etc).
I'm not sure I'd even specify this was a wedding issue, I'd go with 'family commitments in the evenings that require me to be at home outside normal working hours this week'.
posted by AFII at 12:53 AM on October 12, 2016
I'm not sure I'd even specify this was a wedding issue, I'd go with 'family commitments in the evenings that require me to be at home outside normal working hours this week'.
posted by AFII at 12:53 AM on October 12, 2016
I wouldn't ask; I would inform — but I am a bad worker, so who knows. My boss insisted I take the week before my wedding off and boy, was he right.
posted by dame at 4:47 AM on October 12, 2016
posted by dame at 4:47 AM on October 12, 2016
Echoing kate blank on offering to be the person who "holds down the fort" at the home office during this event, as a good compromise. I just got married not quite two weeks ago, and worked M-W of the prior week, wrapping things up so I could be out of office for two weeks. Those three work days were hectic and tough, even being in my normal routine, between trying to prepare for out of town guests, final confirmations with vendors, etc. (And we had a relatively small, casual picnic wedding.)
Anyone who has planned a wedding would likely understand this, so I would inform, not ask, that you cannot be traveling that week due to family obligations around the wedding. Off to be in the office and videoconference in, participate remotely, etc. But it's enough notice - and you've had this date planned - that a company (and manager) worth its salt should understand.
posted by writermcwriterson at 8:51 AM on October 12, 2016
Anyone who has planned a wedding would likely understand this, so I would inform, not ask, that you cannot be traveling that week due to family obligations around the wedding. Off to be in the office and videoconference in, participate remotely, etc. But it's enough notice - and you've had this date planned - that a company (and manager) worth its salt should understand.
posted by writermcwriterson at 8:51 AM on October 12, 2016
Wait, is this the week of your wedding, or the week before your wedding week?
posted by at at 10:23 AM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by at at 10:23 AM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree with at, this is an important distinction to me (as, again, someone who is in the process of planning a wedding). If we're talking about the Monday through Friday immediately prior to your Saturday wedding, it seems useful, easy, and 100% worth asking. Possibly even in an inform rather than request kind of way. You're in "that simply won't be possible" territory with this one.
If we're talking about the week before that, and the idea is that you were hoping that would be a relaxing time when you'd be available to handle last minute odds and ends and rest up in preparation for the last big push to the wedding, I think you have to just understand that you don't always get what you want. Sometimes life is more complicated than we would prefer.
posted by Sara C. at 12:27 PM on October 12, 2016
If we're talking about the week before that, and the idea is that you were hoping that would be a relaxing time when you'd be available to handle last minute odds and ends and rest up in preparation for the last big push to the wedding, I think you have to just understand that you don't always get what you want. Sometimes life is more complicated than we would prefer.
posted by Sara C. at 12:27 PM on October 12, 2016
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