Dating someone who jokes too much
October 10, 2016 10:17 AM Subscribe
Dear Mefites,
I've started going out with this person i met on a social app. He's jolly, but ever since we've met in person he hasn't stopped joking, literally. He's smart, confident, attractive and grounded but what tires me out abit is that he seems rather hard to get to know on a personal level.
Being an INFP, i require emotional intimacy and openness, but he seems to be so logical/philosophical and jokesy, that i find myself having to constantly think about clever comebacks to match his wit, being a little competitive myself. Also, we've only gone out for about 5 times, and although he initiated all of them, he hasn't made a physical move on me yet. Heck, he doesn't even really flirt with me - might it be that the constant jestering is his way of flirting? For those of you who know people who only seem to spurt out witty/funny one liners in all their replies - how do you get to them? i don't want to seem intrusive either. i've tried asking him abit about his ex and he didn't seem too enthusiastic about opening up very much about his opinions or feelings. Or perhaps he's slow to open up. i don't know. i'm sure there's more to him than what he reveals. Thanks in advance for your opinions! :)
Being an INFP, i require emotional intimacy and openness, but he seems to be so logical/philosophical and jokesy, that i find myself having to constantly think about clever comebacks to match his wit, being a little competitive myself. Also, we've only gone out for about 5 times, and although he initiated all of them, he hasn't made a physical move on me yet. Heck, he doesn't even really flirt with me - might it be that the constant jestering is his way of flirting? For those of you who know people who only seem to spurt out witty/funny one liners in all their replies - how do you get to them? i don't want to seem intrusive either. i've tried asking him abit about his ex and he didn't seem too enthusiastic about opening up very much about his opinions or feelings. Or perhaps he's slow to open up. i don't know. i'm sure there's more to him than what he reveals. Thanks in advance for your opinions! :)
i find myself having to constantly think about clever comebacks to match his wit, being a little competitive myself.
If you are engaged in the wit-fest then you are not showing yourself to him either. Be who you are, not who he is.
i don't want to seem intrusive either.
If he finds your genuine attempts to get to know him intrusive, then he may not be a good fit for you. That's ok - that's what dating is for.
I wouldn't ask about someone's ex though; I'd ask about him. And there's nothing wrong with you making the first move either, if that's what you want.
posted by headnsouth at 10:27 AM on October 10, 2016 [10 favorites]
If you are engaged in the wit-fest then you are not showing yourself to him either. Be who you are, not who he is.
i don't want to seem intrusive either.
If he finds your genuine attempts to get to know him intrusive, then he may not be a good fit for you. That's ok - that's what dating is for.
I wouldn't ask about someone's ex though; I'd ask about him. And there's nothing wrong with you making the first move either, if that's what you want.
posted by headnsouth at 10:27 AM on October 10, 2016 [10 favorites]
It's OK that you guys don't match. Some people don't - and neither of them are bad people or wrong. For me, the idea of getting to emotional intimacy and talking about exes (!!!) only 5 dates in makes me want to run screaming. But I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that level! But this guy is not your guy. Move on.
posted by brainmouse at 10:30 AM on October 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 10:30 AM on October 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: oops sorry guys - i forgot to add in that i asked about his ex in person because he said that he was on the app to see if anyone understood him like his ex did. but it turned out that he hasn't revealed much.
posted by eustaciavye87 at 10:40 AM on October 10, 2016
posted by eustaciavye87 at 10:40 AM on October 10, 2016
"Hey, all this joking is fun, but I'd really like to get to know you better and I get the sense that maybe you don't agree? Are you interested in something more? If so, please don't be afraid to relax around me. :)"
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:40 AM on October 10, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:40 AM on October 10, 2016 [9 favorites]
Best answer: he said that he was on the app to see if anyone understood him like his ex did.
Wait... he said this was his reason for dating? To compare other people to his ex?
Combined with his reluctance to make a move, plus the keeping you at arms' length, suggests strongly that he's not really ready to be connecting with anyone.
This sounds to me like one of those things that when someone says it to you about themselves, you need to hear it, even though your instinct might be to think "oh he couldn't mean that."
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:47 AM on October 10, 2016 [57 favorites]
Wait... he said this was his reason for dating? To compare other people to his ex?
Combined with his reluctance to make a move, plus the keeping you at arms' length, suggests strongly that he's not really ready to be connecting with anyone.
This sounds to me like one of those things that when someone says it to you about themselves, you need to hear it, even though your instinct might be to think "oh he couldn't mean that."
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:47 AM on October 10, 2016 [57 favorites]
i forgot to add in that i asked about his ex in person because he said that he was on the app to see if anyone understood him like his ex did. but it turned out that he hasn't revealed much.
Oh duuuuude. I hope I'm wrong, but this "I challenge ye women, come fix me! Come prove yourself to me! I'm so deep and hard to understand!" coupled with the jokiness and the lack of initiative REALLY reminds me of a guy practicing some kind of "game" wherein he acts "cool" and "hard to get" and "demonstrates value" or whatever the fuck. Gross. Ugh.
posted by stockpuppet at 10:53 AM on October 10, 2016 [40 favorites]
Oh duuuuude. I hope I'm wrong, but this "I challenge ye women, come fix me! Come prove yourself to me! I'm so deep and hard to understand!" coupled with the jokiness and the lack of initiative REALLY reminds me of a guy practicing some kind of "game" wherein he acts "cool" and "hard to get" and "demonstrates value" or whatever the fuck. Gross. Ugh.
posted by stockpuppet at 10:53 AM on October 10, 2016 [40 favorites]
Best answer: I'm a person who's always pretty jokey, especially when I'm first getting to know a new person. Feeling someone out to see if they get my sense of humor gives me a lot of info, e.g. do they get my jokes, are they quick enough to respond in kind, do they banter with humor that's dumb or offensive, are they smart and well-read enough to enjoy nuance and wordplay, etc. Historically, the people I've dated who can't keep up with my humor have been poor matches for me in general. For me it's a useful rubric to see if I even want to open up to the other person. If I don't see potential in you then my trust in you is pretty conditional and, sorry, you don't get to hear about my feelings. I don't think it's humor that's necessarily the problem, so much as it's a personality mis-match, and you're well within your rights to not want to date him because of that alone.
That said, this...
he said that he was on the app to see if anyone understood him like his ex did
...is a big flashing beacon of nope saying the dude isn't ready for the big leagues. Don't waste your time dating him, kid's still riding with training wheels.
posted by phunniemee at 10:56 AM on October 10, 2016 [24 favorites]
That said, this...
he said that he was on the app to see if anyone understood him like his ex did
...is a big flashing beacon of nope saying the dude isn't ready for the big leagues. Don't waste your time dating him, kid's still riding with training wheels.
posted by phunniemee at 10:56 AM on October 10, 2016 [24 favorites]
Ewww, I rescind my earlier suggestion and would like to join the chorus of people saying you should pass. Sounds like dude got dumped, isn't over it, and wants to live out a revenge fantasy through the next person he dates. So not worth your time.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:03 AM on October 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:03 AM on October 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have a friend with a similar personality. I saw him date several women that just didn't match this personality type. Then he met someone who did - she meets him joke for joke and they are all cute witty banter, and it's clear they are a match. Don't feel bad if this guy is not for you.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:03 AM on October 10, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:03 AM on October 10, 2016 [11 favorites]
he said that he was on the app to see if anyone understood him like his ex did
Yup, I'd agree that it's best to move on.
posted by Candleman at 11:27 AM on October 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
Yup, I'd agree that it's best to move on.
posted by Candleman at 11:27 AM on October 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
Wait why do you want to keep seeing this guy exactly?
Is it because of the competitive streak? Because nobody is waiting at an end line to declare you the relationship winner. You'll just randomly date someone you don't even like for ages, and then one day wake up and realize that was not a great use of your time.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:35 AM on October 10, 2016 [18 favorites]
Is it because of the competitive streak? Because nobody is waiting at an end line to declare you the relationship winner. You'll just randomly date someone you don't even like for ages, and then one day wake up and realize that was not a great use of your time.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:35 AM on October 10, 2016 [18 favorites]
he said that he was on the app to see if anyone understood him like his ex did
Regardless of anything else about this guy, the fact that you ask this question means that you failed this test. The test may or may not be bullshit, but you are not the one for him. (and he definitely seems wrong for you).
Move on.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:58 PM on October 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
Regardless of anything else about this guy, the fact that you ask this question means that you failed this test. The test may or may not be bullshit, but you are not the one for him. (and he definitely seems wrong for you).
Move on.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:58 PM on October 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
If you had a guy who didn't have this weird ex comparison and just had the using humor as a shield thing, you could try saying "but seriously" in a very gentle, almost coaxing voice and see if he has any willing to put down the shield and be straight with you.
posted by puddledork at 2:41 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by puddledork at 2:41 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
In my experience, people who joke to prevent vulnerability or to prevent people getting to really know them and connecting are just looking for an audience. Between this dynamic and the ex thing in his profile, I'd say goodbye. It's been 5 dates and you still aren't getting to know who he really is. It's time to move on.
posted by quince at 3:06 PM on October 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by quince at 3:06 PM on October 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
not a good fit. on to the next one!
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:15 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:15 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
This sounds exactly like what went on when teenaged me had a series of (odd?) dates with teenaged Tom Green. He could not drop the comedic persona. He was fun to hang out with and I had a nice time, and I also had no idea what was going on.
I am sometimes a fast talker with more witty banter than most people want (semi-regular critique from friends: 'beware of razor-sharp wit that can sometimes come off as cutting if you don't know her' -- I have fortunately mellowed with age) so we got on well enough, but even with that bit of compatibility, I took it as a sort of defence mechanism that prevented anybody from getting too close, for what that's worth, and was left with little to do but "friendzone" him and move on.
FWIW, when younger, I was not above using the constant stream of witty banter as a way to put distance between myself and others I wanted around but only at arms' length, at least until I knew them much, much better. Sort of a defence mechanism, sort of a delaying technique if I wasn't quite sure about things, and sometimes a 'friendzoning' technique when I liked the person but wasn't romantically interested but did enjoy spending time with them.
posted by kmennie at 6:26 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am sometimes a fast talker with more witty banter than most people want (semi-regular critique from friends: 'beware of razor-sharp wit that can sometimes come off as cutting if you don't know her' -- I have fortunately mellowed with age) so we got on well enough, but even with that bit of compatibility, I took it as a sort of defence mechanism that prevented anybody from getting too close, for what that's worth, and was left with little to do but "friendzone" him and move on.
FWIW, when younger, I was not above using the constant stream of witty banter as a way to put distance between myself and others I wanted around but only at arms' length, at least until I knew them much, much better. Sort of a defence mechanism, sort of a delaying technique if I wasn't quite sure about things, and sometimes a 'friendzoning' technique when I liked the person but wasn't romantically interested but did enjoy spending time with them.
posted by kmennie at 6:26 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've been on a few dates with people who just kept joking around. It felt like a fence erected to keep people from figuring out what made them feel vulnerable-- which is kind of obvious anyway because all of us feel vulnerable around "Am I loveable?" and "Am I good enough?" --so why work so hard to seem endlessly cheerful? Vulnerability is universal.
Wit and fun are important to me, but self-awareness, vulnerability, and openness are more important to me. My solution was not to date those people. They were great- just not the right fit for me. The way I see it, they deserve to be with someone who doesn't find them friggin exhausting.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:04 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Wit and fun are important to me, but self-awareness, vulnerability, and openness are more important to me. My solution was not to date those people. They were great- just not the right fit for me. The way I see it, they deserve to be with someone who doesn't find them friggin exhausting.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:04 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: What is "jokesy"?
Do you mean:
- Never giving a straight answer to anything, such that you're having trouble getting to know him? In that case, I'd just say, "I really like you, but when you have a silly fake answer to everything I ask you, it's hard to really connect. What did you study in college FOR REAL?"
- Constantly "riffing", telling big stories, trying to one-up you via humor? I think if this is your problem, where just in general you find his personality exhausting, you should probably move on. I'm a comedy writer, and I have a lot of friends who are like this who I adore in small doses. I love it when my partner (also a comedy writer) and I riff with each other, but we spend a lot more time just being normal. It's not one big improv warmup, and nor would I want to be with anyone where the dynamic was like that.
- "It's just a joke! Honestly!"? DTMFA, these people are terrible.
- Flirty? kiss him
- Witty? Are you super sure that you're expected to hold up your end of this? This is another area where just being honest about how you feel is probably a good start. "You're so funny! I feel awkward when I can't come up with witty comebacks as fast as you can." He will probably tell you not to worry and that he likes you exactly how you are. Or he won't, and yeah I would just move on.
- BIGGEST MOST EXTROVERTED PERSONALITY EVER!!!!!!!!!! As an introvert, this type of person is just not a good match for me. It's totally OK if you feel the same way. I think dating someone who is slightly extroverted can be a good contrast and help you grow as a person, but not if they exhaust you and make you feel bad.
- A lot of dudes just want you to laugh at their jokes, honestly. I think as long as you are doing this in a genuine and non-labored way, however you're already handling it is probably fine. Sometimes "be super duper funny and have a big personality" is something men put on early in a relationship to counter insecurity.
posted by Sara C. at 8:26 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Do you mean:
- Never giving a straight answer to anything, such that you're having trouble getting to know him? In that case, I'd just say, "I really like you, but when you have a silly fake answer to everything I ask you, it's hard to really connect. What did you study in college FOR REAL?"
- Constantly "riffing", telling big stories, trying to one-up you via humor? I think if this is your problem, where just in general you find his personality exhausting, you should probably move on. I'm a comedy writer, and I have a lot of friends who are like this who I adore in small doses. I love it when my partner (also a comedy writer) and I riff with each other, but we spend a lot more time just being normal. It's not one big improv warmup, and nor would I want to be with anyone where the dynamic was like that.
- "It's just a joke! Honestly!"? DTMFA, these people are terrible.
- Flirty? kiss him
- Witty? Are you super sure that you're expected to hold up your end of this? This is another area where just being honest about how you feel is probably a good start. "You're so funny! I feel awkward when I can't come up with witty comebacks as fast as you can." He will probably tell you not to worry and that he likes you exactly how you are. Or he won't, and yeah I would just move on.
- BIGGEST MOST EXTROVERTED PERSONALITY EVER!!!!!!!!!! As an introvert, this type of person is just not a good match for me. It's totally OK if you feel the same way. I think dating someone who is slightly extroverted can be a good contrast and help you grow as a person, but not if they exhaust you and make you feel bad.
- A lot of dudes just want you to laugh at their jokes, honestly. I think as long as you are doing this in a genuine and non-labored way, however you're already handling it is probably fine. Sometimes "be super duper funny and have a big personality" is something men put on early in a relationship to counter insecurity.
posted by Sara C. at 8:26 PM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In my experience, jokesters are flimsy listeners. Their jokes are about them; making you laugh and appreciate their wit. Not giving straight answers is dodgy, annoying and disrespectful.
"So, where did you work right after high school?"
"I helped the neighborhood dominatrix string up her clients. Nah, Just joking!"
I would put the big freeze on a person like this. Answer my goddamned question.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:09 PM on October 11, 2016
"So, where did you work right after high school?"
"I helped the neighborhood dominatrix string up her clients. Nah, Just joking!"
I would put the big freeze on a person like this. Answer my goddamned question.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:09 PM on October 11, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks for all your input :) - i've decided to redeem some head and heart space, as well as not waste further time by moving on.
posted by eustaciavye87 at 11:16 AM on October 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by eustaciavye87 at 11:16 AM on October 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
i've tried asking him abit about his ex and he didn't seem too enthusiastic about opening up very much about his opinions or feelings.
You're poking at a painful subject with someone you barely know. Failed relationships are generally not a good topic with people you're just starting to date.
posted by Candleman at 10:27 AM on October 10, 2016 [47 favorites]