Putting the brakes on a one-sided friendship
October 4, 2016 12:17 AM Subscribe
I have an acquaintance from high school who I’ve interacted with in group settings for several years. Recently, she has decided that she wants to hang out with me, one on one, more frequently than I am comfortable with.
She's a nice person, but I don't have the social bandwidth to maintain what is effectively a one-sided friendship. There are also some hygiene issues that factor into my reluctance. I’ve tried to signal disinterest by not initiating any hangouts, but she seems to have no problem asking me to meet up every few weeks. I feel bad saying I'm “too busy” every time, so I end up hanging out with her occasionally. I know she's struggled with mental health issues in the past, so I’m trying to be sensitive to that and not be blunt about ending the friendship, but she simply doesn’t take the hint that I have never once been the one to say we should hang out. How can I put the brakes on this friendship as kindly as possible?
She's a nice person, but I don't have the social bandwidth to maintain what is effectively a one-sided friendship. There are also some hygiene issues that factor into my reluctance. I’ve tried to signal disinterest by not initiating any hangouts, but she seems to have no problem asking me to meet up every few weeks. I feel bad saying I'm “too busy” every time, so I end up hanging out with her occasionally. I know she's struggled with mental health issues in the past, so I’m trying to be sensitive to that and not be blunt about ending the friendship, but she simply doesn’t take the hint that I have never once been the one to say we should hang out. How can I put the brakes on this friendship as kindly as possible?
If you are trying to be kind to her, for the times you hang out with her, change it to a group meeting. Send out an email to a bunch of friends and just say so and so and I are meeting up, let's all go out to dinner or what have you.
posted by gt2 at 4:19 AM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by gt2 at 4:19 AM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Being explicitly, honestly broken up with in a friendship is not something that happens often -- neither in real life, nor in the representations of real life (movies, books) that someone with little social instinct might rely on for a sense of what's normal and typical. It is not the same as in romantic relationships, which demand the explicit break up and in which the fade is considered disrespectful. Yet friendships end and fade all the time.
She does not pick up on the more subtle cue that you don't initiate any get togethers. That's ok. Just be busy all the time. The aim is to end the friendship without humiliating her, without giving her a sense of shame and discomfort. If you are just constantly busy, and say things like "I just have no time anymore!" then she can save face and possibly comfort herself by thinking you are flaky, too busy, etc. Right now, you have taught her that if she asks you to do something four times and you say yes the fifth time, then she just has to ask five times. Just keep saying no even though it's hard and eventually she will likely grow tired of asking. That, to me, is the kindest way.
posted by flourpot at 6:13 AM on October 4, 2016 [16 favorites]
She does not pick up on the more subtle cue that you don't initiate any get togethers. That's ok. Just be busy all the time. The aim is to end the friendship without humiliating her, without giving her a sense of shame and discomfort. If you are just constantly busy, and say things like "I just have no time anymore!" then she can save face and possibly comfort herself by thinking you are flaky, too busy, etc. Right now, you have taught her that if she asks you to do something four times and you say yes the fifth time, then she just has to ask five times. Just keep saying no even though it's hard and eventually she will likely grow tired of asking. That, to me, is the kindest way.
posted by flourpot at 6:13 AM on October 4, 2016 [16 favorites]
I think in this case it's kinder to do a slow fade/non- responding rather than to tell this person that you don't want to be friends with her.
posted by emd3737 at 7:49 AM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 7:49 AM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you can find a subtle and non-hurtful way to cue her on upping her hygiene, you will REALLY help her out in the rest of her life. It'd be a good deed to do it if you can.
Ideas:
Tell her how much you love Tom's Toothpaste or Optic White or men's Old Spice Antiperspirant or GUM Floss Picks- some affordable drugstore brand she plausibly might not have tried. Buy it for her if you can. I dunno, just try not to leave her stinky when you leave her.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:11 AM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
Ideas:
Tell her how much you love Tom's Toothpaste or Optic White or men's Old Spice Antiperspirant or GUM Floss Picks- some affordable drugstore brand she plausibly might not have tried. Buy it for her if you can. I dunno, just try not to leave her stinky when you leave her.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:11 AM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Kindness would be honesty, I think - in a way that is safe for her - maybe sending something in writing or whatever- but people struggling with mental health issues and hygiene need honesty. It's much better for her to know what her problems are than for people to keep ghosting on her. Whether it's safe for you to be honest in that way is a different - and legitimate- question. Society limits our bandwidth indeed, and these limited resources leave us, sometimes, without the capacity to make the most honourable choice.
It's okay if you're trying to minimise discord, and it's okay if you don't have the resources to be honest, but be clear with yourself about your priorities. Slow fade isn't necessarily kind here.
posted by Mistress at 2:37 AM on October 4, 2016 [8 favorites]