Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?
September 28, 2016 10:35 PM   Subscribe

Help me remember all of the jokes I forgot after having a baby.

After having a child a few years ago, I've had some pretty severe memory lapses. Most of the memory has come back, but actually I can't remember any jokes. I can go hunting online, but actually would prefer something slightly more curated by a community of people .

So, if you could share a single joke with a person suffering from severe joke amnesia, what would it be?

Assume this is a blank slate - I know zero jokes - and anything you tell me will be the only jokes I know moving forward. No joke is too simple, corny or boring. Poodle and elephant jokes welcome. Dead baby jokes not welcome.
posted by Toddles to Writing & Language (52 answers total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
 
The funniest knock-knock joke ever:

You: Knock knock!
Joke victim: Who's there?
You: Interrupting cow.
Joke Victim: Interrupting...
You: MOOOOOOO

yes I giggled while typing this
posted by rtha at 10:38 PM on September 28, 2016 [11 favorites]


A minimalist walks into a bar...
posted by codex99 at 10:42 PM on September 28, 2016 [3 favorites]


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey pal - why the long face?"
posted by O9scar at 10:45 PM on September 28, 2016


What's the difference between a chicken and an elephant? An elephant has an enormous butt!
posted by kerf at 10:47 PM on September 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here."

The string leaves, roughs up his hair and twists himself into a tangle. Then he goes back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you that string that was in here before?"

The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot." (I'm afraid not)

Haaaaa.

And the ever classic dad-joke

Child: I'm hungry
Dad: Hello, Hungry. I'm Dad.
Child: *sighs in exasperation*
posted by ananci at 10:53 PM on September 28, 2016 [2 favorites]


The funniest knock-knock joke ever:

If there's an eight-year-old or me around then try this one:

Me: Knock knock!
Victim: Who's there?
Me: Europe.
Victim: Europe who?
Me: No, you're a poo!
posted by Joe in Australia at 10:56 PM on September 28, 2016 [9 favorites]


A man walks into a bar
And he says ouch
posted by zachlipton at 11:01 PM on September 28, 2016 [2 favorites]


There are many joke threads here. If you're looking specifically for weird kid jokes:

A photographer is at the zoo to take a picture of a bear. But the bear is sleeping all the time! The photographer is confused and wants to know how this particular kind of bear sleeps. S/he asks the zookeeper: "What kind of bear is this?" Zookeeper: "Himalayan." Photographer: "I know him a' layin'! What I want to know is when him a gettin' up!"

Obv could be elaborated.
posted by transient at 11:10 PM on September 28, 2016


Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his SLEEVIES!

It helps if you pop your hands out of your too-long sleeves when you hit the punchline.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:30 PM on September 28, 2016 [5 favorites]


A duck goes into a pharmacy to buy some Chapstick. "Will that be cash or card?" "Just put it on my bill."
posted by tippy at 11:43 PM on September 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


I want to acknowledge at this stage that you should invest in learning some mnemonics techniques.

Books/podcasts/apps/whatever - because this will never get truly better. I use tricks now to remember stuff. I used to read 3 books at a time (one fiction, one non-fiction, one silly) just to stay satisfied. I've been slogging through the same two books (one dense non-fiction, one autobiography that is slight fiction - I was there at the time, heh) for the past 4 months! And my child is 5 years old!!

I love the app ThoughtBack. I also set a contact with my own phone number (Me) and text message myself.

As per your AskMe...

Guess what?
- Chicken butt.

Do you know why?
- Chicken thigh.

Do you know the rest?
- Chicken breast.

... My other joke is the "frayed knot" joke. I swear I had a high IQ once and scored really well on my SATs. I swear!
posted by jbenben at 11:47 PM on September 28, 2016 [3 favorites]


I edited that comment for typos and grammar at least twice. Maybe three times because I don't remember now.

I feel your pain.
posted by jbenben at 11:52 PM on September 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


Guess when?

CHICKEN BUTT AGAIN
posted by rouftop at 11:55 PM on September 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

Dam!
posted by metaseeker at 12:47 AM on September 29, 2016


What's brown and sticky?

A stick!
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:56 AM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a duck.
posted by SyraCarol at 1:01 AM on September 29, 2016


What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

Dam!
posted by metaseeker at 12:47 AM on September 29 [+] [!]

No, the fish said "Damn". It was cursing, as would anyone who ran into a wall.*

I know this is true because my ridiculously authoritarian brother said the joke was "inappropriate" when the kids were little.

(*For the record, if I were a fish and I swam into a concrete wall, I would say "fuck".)
posted by she's not there at 1:21 AM on September 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Also, a followup to the knock knock Interrupting Cow is Interrupting Starfish.

Kid: Interrupting starfish wh... (splat palm into kid's face)
posted by transient at 1:39 AM on September 29, 2016 [8 favorites]


What's big and red and eats rocks?

A big red rock eater.

What's big and red and eats sand?

A big red rock eater on a diet.

(Sometime later in conversation) So, if you drilled a tunnel through the earth from the North Pole to the South Pole, and you dropped a rock down the hole, do you think the rock would drop through, stay in the centre or keep bouncing from pole to pole?

Nope! A big red rock eater would eat it.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:26 AM on September 29, 2016


What do you call a bee that keeps dropping things?
A fumble-bee
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:38 AM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.
posted by kamikazegopher at 2:49 AM on September 29, 2016


Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
It's rated arrrrrrr.

Why did the pirate go on vacation?
For arrrrrrrr and arrrrrrr.

How about the pirate who went on The Price Is Right?
He won a new caaarrrrrrrrr.

Why are pirate jokes so bad?
They just arrrrrrrr.

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
(Is it... arrr?)
Ye'd think so, but his first love is the C.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:32 AM on September 29, 2016 [7 favorites]


So I go to the doctor, she finds corn in my ear. I've got mashed potatoes in my hair. Peas in my nose. She says "Hey, you're not eating right."

I go to the doctor, my feet feel weird, she takes one look and she's like "Holy shit! You've got tolio!!" I ask; she says it's like polio except it starts in your toes. So now she's got me taking my clothes off to get into one of those stupid gowns and she gasps "My god -- you've got kneesles, too!!!" and turns out it's like measles but starts in your knees. She continues the exam, I overhear her and a nurse exclaiming that I sure don't suffer from smallcocks.

Loud fart, everyone looking at you, you say "Hey, wasn't me, it was some asshole behind me."

Define: republican -- A person who cannot enjoy their meal unless they know someone somewhere is hungry.
(except that one isn't a joke)

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods, the bear says "Don't you hate when poop sticks to your fur?" and the rabbit says "That's not really a problem for me." and the bear says "Great!" picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

Bear walks into a bar, orders a beer, barkeep figures to charge eight bucks, how would a bear know what's a beer cost. They get to talking, bar-talk, barkeep says "We don't get too many bears in here." Bear says "Well, at eight bucks a beer I'd think not."
posted by dancestoblue at 3:37 AM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


...the hot dog vendor says, "thanks, here's your change"

and the Dalai Lama says, "change comes from within."

I am also a huge fan, whenever tipping is being discussed at a table (like how to split the bill chat), of the dad joke: "Here's a tip: an apple a day keeps the doctor away (insert changing tips here)." I also of course actually tip.

Also:

Knock knock
Who's there
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

aaaaahhh i just love that one.
posted by athirstforsalt at 3:37 AM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
posted by girlgenius at 3:38 AM on September 29, 2016


Ok, I am so sorry for this one but I still (32 years old here) think it is the funniest joke I've ever heard.

Me: Hey, did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
You: What, really?
Me: Yeah, it runs in your jeans (genes)!
posted by lollymccatburglar at 4:18 AM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted! ...

...peanut.
posted by satoshi at 5:27 AM on September 29, 2016


Some (but certainly not all) of my favorites:

Why is the sky blue?
Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

A rabbi, a clown, and a prostitute walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe under his arm. He sets it down, orders a whiskey, drinks it, and turns to leave.
The bartender says, "You're not gonna just leave that lyin' there, are you?"
The man says, "That's not a lion; it's a giraffe!"

A cockroach walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.

A penguin's car breaks down in the middle of summer. He gets it towed to a garage, and the mechanic tells him that it'll take about an hour to give him an estimate.
So the penguin walks up the street, and buys an ice cream cone, and walks up the street a little more, eating his ice cream, killing time 'til he goes back to the garage.
It's a really hot day, and the penguin's ice cream melts really fast, so he eats it faster than he normally would, and it gets a little messy. There aren't any places around with mirrors, so he can't see how much ice cream is on his face, or his chest, and he wipes his mouth, but he really doesn't get as clean as maybe he'd like.
He goes farther up the street, watches a juggler and some street musicians for a while, and eventually walks back down to the garage, and the mechanic waves him over.
The penguin's car is up on the lift, and they walk over to it. The mechanic says to the penguin, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "Oh, no, that's just ice cream."

Where does a ghost go to catch a train?
A manifestation.

What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A Manila folder.

What's the difference between humor and odor?
Humor is a shift of wit...

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down the stairs.

What's black and white and red all over? And laughing?
The nun who pushed her.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:31 AM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


the interrupting joke also works with sheep BAAAAAAAAA
posted by kitten magic at 5:58 AM on September 29, 2016


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne da baftub, I'm dwowning!
posted by bologna on wry at 6:35 AM on September 29, 2016


Knock knock

Who's there?

Interrupting mime!

Interrupt...

[start miming an invisibile box]
posted by SobaFett at 6:36 AM on September 29, 2016


I field tested a few of these this morning on my 5 year old and can confirm that Interrupting Cow, followed by Interrupting Starfish, is good for total collapse into a heap of giggles.
posted by telepanda at 6:41 AM on September 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

You gotta have pretty good aim, though....
posted by Liesl at 6:43 AM on September 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


What happened to the cat that swallowed the yarn?

It had mittens!
posted by what's her name at 7:00 AM on September 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his belt. The bartender says, "Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel on your belt?!" The pirate says, "Arrr! I know! It's drivin' me nuts!"
posted by Betelgeuse at 7:04 AM on September 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


A photon is checking into a hotel.

Receptionist: "Do you need any help with your luggage?"

Photon: "No thanks; I'm traveling light!"
posted by Betelgeuse at 7:05 AM on September 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an ithberg.
posted by sewellcm at 7:27 AM on September 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


What is the alphabet's favorite insect? B!

What is the alphabet's favorite water? The C!

What does the alphabet call itself? I!

What is the alphabet's favorite bird? J!

Where will the alphabet go when it dies? L!

What did the alphabet do in the bathroom? P!

What did the alphabet's snake say? S!

What is the alphabet's favorite drink? T!

Who is the alphabet's favorite person? U!

What is the alphabet's favorite question? Y!

What did the alphabet say to you? O U R A Q T! (Or G U R A Q T)

What did the alphabet say during hide-and-seek? I C U!
posted by Mo Nickels at 7:40 AM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


Q. What happens when you drink food coloring?
A. You dye a little inside.

(Dark-humored 9yo thinks this joke is aces.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:54 AM on September 29, 2016


Why doesn't the Dalai Lama vacuum under the couch?
Because he has no attachments.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:55 AM on September 29, 2016 [5 favorites]


There's some really excellent series of jokes in this thread. I really like this one, posted by phunniemee:

Q: How do you fit an elephant in a closet in 3 steps?
A: 1. You open the door. 2. Put the elephant in the closet. 3. Close the door.

Q: How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you fit a giraffe in a closet in 4 steps?
A: 1. You open the door. 2. Take the elephant out of the closet. 3. Put the giraffe in the closet. 4. Close the door.

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a volkswagen bug?
A: Six, two in the front, two in the back, and two in the trunk if you squeeze them in real tight.

Q: How do you know two elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they'd be aspirin.

Q: An elephant and a giraffe are having a race. Who wins?
A: The elephant. The giraffe is still in the closet.

Q: How do you know six elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: VW tire tracks in the butter.
posted by danceswithlight at 8:41 AM on September 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors?
To hide in a bag of M&Ms.

What did the elephant say when he stepped on an ant?
[to the tune of the Pink Panther Theme] Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaaaaant... dead ant dead ant!

Duck goes into the pharmacy to buy some condoms. Pharmacist asks, "Should I put it on your bill?" "Hey, buddy, I'm not that kind of duck."
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:09 PM on September 29, 2016


What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
posted by Comrade_robot at 12:38 PM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


A rhyme? A joke? A jokey rhyme?

To be read out loud:

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Bear
Fuzzy Wuzzy Had No Hair
Fuzzy Wuzzy Wasn't Very Fuzzy, Was He?

Makes me smile now every bit as much as it did when I was 6.
posted by space_cookie at 1:19 PM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


Oh. And. Mama Tomato, Papa Tomato, Little Tomato and Baby Tomato were walking down the street. Little Tomato was lagging behind. Papa Tomato went to Little Tomato, stomped his foot and said "Catch Up!"
posted by space_cookie at 1:38 PM on September 29, 2016


Since you mention elephant jokes, I happen to have a copy of The Elephant Book (1963) from my mother's childhood. Here are some (very dated) excerpts:

Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes?
Because white ones get dirty too fast.

Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?
So they won't get their tennis shoes wet.

Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles?
Because their tennis shoes are too tight.

Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
From playing marbles.

How do you tell an elephant from a grape?
A grape is purple.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants?
"OOH look at all those grapes." (She was colorblind.)

How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge?
He takes out his Diner's Club card.

How do you get an elephant out of a tub of gelatin?
Follow the directions on the back of the box.

What did President Kennedy say when the elephants arrived at the White House?
"We didn't expect you till tomorrow . . ."
posted by belau at 4:41 PM on September 29, 2016


I don't get the Kennedy one.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:28 PM on September 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


Why did Billy fall off his bike?



Because Billy is a fish!
posted by cholly at 1:28 AM on September 30, 2016


A pony walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks, "Got a sore throat?". The pony replies, "Yes, I'm a little horse."
posted by daysocks at 6:04 PM on September 30, 2016


The Three Jokes

Did you hear the one about the three farmers?
Hoe hoe hoe.

Did you hear the one about the three old men?
He he he.

Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well well well.
posted by lagomorph at 9:04 PM on October 1, 2016


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.
posted by 4ster at 7:12 PM on October 2, 2016


This is a variation of my favorite joke ever.

So three priests and their wives are flying back from an interdenominational conference when the plane crashes and they all die.

They all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time.

St. Peter says to the first priest, "I am sorry, but I cannot let you in. You adored sugar and sweets. You had the biggest sweet tooth, and was so involved with sugar and sweets that you married a woman named Candy."

St. Peter then addresses the second priest, "I am sorry but I cannot let you in. You truly did not love the Lord, you only loved money. In fact, you loved it so much that you married a woman named Penny."

The third priest says to his wife, "Fanny, we don't have a chance."
posted by 4ster at 7:15 PM on October 2, 2016


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