Breaking off an on-off relationship for good
September 8, 2016 10:57 AM Subscribe
I love my girlfriend so much but have had a very turbulent relationship with her with almost constant break up threats. How do I convince myself enough is enough?
My girlfriend [35F] is one of the most fun, creative, extroverted people I've [25F] ever spent time with. She is my first serious relationship. As someone with largely introverted friends it has been a welcome change. Everyone who meets her loves her instantly and she is so beautiful and passionate. I was shocked she wanted to go out with me. We've been going out for 3 years.
However we have so many fights and it looks like this is the one where we should call it quits. I can be very snappy and negative and if I ever cross the line she feels enough is enough and swears at me, gives me the silent treatment, calls me names and breaks up with me. She has called me the c word, says she never wants to see my face again and I will never get over her... No holds barred stuff.
But we always make up and now it is so difficult to make myself feel this time is real.
How can I:
A) convince myself this time is for good - I am coping well but think it's because I am still in denial
B) believe that I can have a relationship which is sexy and exciting without this turbulence
C) convince myself I'm not losing the only person who would out up with me.
Thanks for any advice.
My girlfriend [35F] is one of the most fun, creative, extroverted people I've [25F] ever spent time with. She is my first serious relationship. As someone with largely introverted friends it has been a welcome change. Everyone who meets her loves her instantly and she is so beautiful and passionate. I was shocked she wanted to go out with me. We've been going out for 3 years.
However we have so many fights and it looks like this is the one where we should call it quits. I can be very snappy and negative and if I ever cross the line she feels enough is enough and swears at me, gives me the silent treatment, calls me names and breaks up with me. She has called me the c word, says she never wants to see my face again and I will never get over her... No holds barred stuff.
But we always make up and now it is so difficult to make myself feel this time is real.
How can I:
A) convince myself this time is for good - I am coping well but think it's because I am still in denial
B) believe that I can have a relationship which is sexy and exciting without this turbulence
C) convince myself I'm not losing the only person who would out up with me.
Thanks for any advice.
How can I:
A) convince myself this time is for good - I am coping well but think it's because I am still in denial
Start dating other people!
B) believe that I can have a relationship which is sexy and exciting without this turbulence
Start dating other people!
C) convince myself I'm not losing the only person who would out up with me.
Start dating other people!
There's no better way to get over a relationship that made you feel like crap than to go date new people and notice how much you don't feel like crap when you're having fun with literally anybody else.
posted by phunniemee at 11:07 AM on September 8, 2016 [9 favorites]
A) convince myself this time is for good - I am coping well but think it's because I am still in denial
Start dating other people!
B) believe that I can have a relationship which is sexy and exciting without this turbulence
Start dating other people!
C) convince myself I'm not losing the only person who would out up with me.
Start dating other people!
There's no better way to get over a relationship that made you feel like crap than to go date new people and notice how much you don't feel like crap when you're having fun with literally anybody else.
posted by phunniemee at 11:07 AM on September 8, 2016 [9 favorites]
It sounds like you guys need to find a way to talk about your disagreement that is not "fighting." If this is a relationship that you think it worth investing it, perhaps you two can go to couples therapy and find new ways to communicate.
If you're both not willing to change for the better of the relationship though, that's not a good sign.
posted by k8t at 11:12 AM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
If you're both not willing to change for the better of the relationship though, that's not a good sign.
posted by k8t at 11:12 AM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Go no contact. I was dumb about this for a while, but it works amazingly well. No contact. None. Zero. Delete numbers, no social etc.
posted by zutalors! at 11:12 AM on September 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by zutalors! at 11:12 AM on September 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
Also, FWIW, the person that you're attracted to at 22 may or may not be the same person that you think is a good life partner. People grow and change a lot in their late 20s.
posted by k8t at 11:13 AM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by k8t at 11:13 AM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
This sounds like a damn mess.
I can be very snappy and negative and if I ever cross the line
OK so. Everyone has a bad day, everyone gets snippy sometimes. And nobody has to be relentless sunshine 24/7. But if you're repeatedly "crossing the line," being overly nasty to your partner, that shit is not cool. It would be worth your while to figure out, while you're single, whether this is a thing you do with everyone or whether it was a function of how you and your partner related.
she feels enough is enough and swears at me, gives me the silent treatment, calls me names and breaks up with me. She has called me the c word, says she never wants to see my face again and I will never get over her... No holds barred stuff.
Also super duper not ever even a little okay. You and she did not have a good dynamic at all, apparently.
In general, in a good relationship, you should feel at least a little bit lucky to be dating your partner. You should definitely think your partner is super great, and awesome, etc. However, too much of that can get unbalanced really fast: where they do not feel particularly lucky to be dating YOU, or where you feel not just lucky but undeserving of them...that should be a red flag that the relationship is an incipient Hindenburg. Just a note for your future.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:18 AM on September 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
I can be very snappy and negative and if I ever cross the line
OK so. Everyone has a bad day, everyone gets snippy sometimes. And nobody has to be relentless sunshine 24/7. But if you're repeatedly "crossing the line," being overly nasty to your partner, that shit is not cool. It would be worth your while to figure out, while you're single, whether this is a thing you do with everyone or whether it was a function of how you and your partner related.
she feels enough is enough and swears at me, gives me the silent treatment, calls me names and breaks up with me. She has called me the c word, says she never wants to see my face again and I will never get over her... No holds barred stuff.
Also super duper not ever even a little okay. You and she did not have a good dynamic at all, apparently.
In general, in a good relationship, you should feel at least a little bit lucky to be dating your partner. You should definitely think your partner is super great, and awesome, etc. However, too much of that can get unbalanced really fast: where they do not feel particularly lucky to be dating YOU, or where you feel not just lucky but undeserving of them...that should be a red flag that the relationship is an incipient Hindenburg. Just a note for your future.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:18 AM on September 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
Yes, so, the problem is that you want "excitement" but not turmoil.
You need to figure out that the best relationships are fun but peaceful and supportive. Meaning you need to want to be with someone who is attractive to you but also kind, considerate, caring about you, courteous, and a good listener. Physical beauty is nice but fleeting, and really pales in comparison to the beauty you see in someone who is loving and easy to be with and enjoyable.
I'd add that you need to work on your tendency to be snappy and negative, which is quite hurtful behavior.
I don't think you'll have any trouble meeting someone great and stabilizing your romantic life when you start looking for more substantive qualities and stepping up your own game as a partner.
posted by bearwife at 11:25 AM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
You need to figure out that the best relationships are fun but peaceful and supportive. Meaning you need to want to be with someone who is attractive to you but also kind, considerate, caring about you, courteous, and a good listener. Physical beauty is nice but fleeting, and really pales in comparison to the beauty you see in someone who is loving and easy to be with and enjoyable.
I'd add that you need to work on your tendency to be snappy and negative, which is quite hurtful behavior.
I don't think you'll have any trouble meeting someone great and stabilizing your romantic life when you start looking for more substantive qualities and stepping up your own game as a partner.
posted by bearwife at 11:25 AM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
How can I:
A) convince myself this time is for good - I am coping well but think it's because I am still in denial
As has been suggested earlier, this is much easier to do if you go "no contact"; personally, I'm not a believer in it most of the time. But you used the magic words of "very turbulent" and that's where I draw the line: it's hard to escape the storm if you're in it. Chill out in the eye of the storm for a while.
B) believe that I can have a relationship which is sexy and exciting without this turbulence
I'm trying to think of a way to phrase this that doesn't completely through some very nice dudes under the bus but I can't so here it goes:
Your 20s are an excellent time for relationships with sexy, exciting, confident (seeming). slightly older people you have no business staying with long term. Trust me; I have the t-shirt.
It's very easy to feel like because you are younger and less experienced that you're somehow less mature than the older person you are in a relationship with. But emotionally maturity doesn't always come with age. There's a huge difference between occasional snappiness and a grown person going "silent treatment" (let alone the other things you describe), and I think if you're honest with yourself, you know that. Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you should have to deal with another's greater imperfections.
All that said, some people can totally deal with the type of things you describe from your current GF. Some people recognize "fighting language" as not representative of the real relationship. Let her find that person who can put up with her crap. You don't have to do so.
C) convince myself I'm not losing the only person who would out up with me.
This is both the shortest and hardest answer (find someone else). Until then, remember: you didn't get "lucky" by having this woman express an interest in you, you got what you deserved. Now you've decided you deserve better; do right by yourself and stick with it.
Good luck!!!
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:32 AM on September 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
A) convince myself this time is for good - I am coping well but think it's because I am still in denial
As has been suggested earlier, this is much easier to do if you go "no contact"; personally, I'm not a believer in it most of the time. But you used the magic words of "very turbulent" and that's where I draw the line: it's hard to escape the storm if you're in it. Chill out in the eye of the storm for a while.
B) believe that I can have a relationship which is sexy and exciting without this turbulence
I'm trying to think of a way to phrase this that doesn't completely through some very nice dudes under the bus but I can't so here it goes:
Your 20s are an excellent time for relationships with sexy, exciting, confident (seeming). slightly older people you have no business staying with long term. Trust me; I have the t-shirt.
It's very easy to feel like because you are younger and less experienced that you're somehow less mature than the older person you are in a relationship with. But emotionally maturity doesn't always come with age. There's a huge difference between occasional snappiness and a grown person going "silent treatment" (let alone the other things you describe), and I think if you're honest with yourself, you know that. Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you should have to deal with another's greater imperfections.
All that said, some people can totally deal with the type of things you describe from your current GF. Some people recognize "fighting language" as not representative of the real relationship. Let her find that person who can put up with her crap. You don't have to do so.
C) convince myself I'm not losing the only person who would out up with me.
This is both the shortest and hardest answer (find someone else). Until then, remember: you didn't get "lucky" by having this woman express an interest in you, you got what you deserved. Now you've decided you deserve better; do right by yourself and stick with it.
Good luck!!!
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:32 AM on September 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
Don't break up with her after an argument. Break up when all is calm.
As to convincing yourself that this is for good, you don't have to. Just promise yourself you won't contact her for at least two months and see what your life is like without her. I would be very surprised if the answer isn't "better" - even if you don't find someone else for a while.
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:22 PM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
As to convincing yourself that this is for good, you don't have to. Just promise yourself you won't contact her for at least two months and see what your life is like without her. I would be very surprised if the answer isn't "better" - even if you don't find someone else for a while.
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:22 PM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Go to couples counseling. You can break up if the process doesn't help. Then you'll know.
No contact works amazingly well. But try learning some relationship skills. You guys fight wrong. If you can't fix how you fight and disagree, it will be easier to leave for good.
posted by jbenben at 12:55 PM on September 8, 2016
No contact works amazingly well. But try learning some relationship skills. You guys fight wrong. If you can't fix how you fight and disagree, it will be easier to leave for good.
posted by jbenben at 12:55 PM on September 8, 2016
If you have decided from a rational position that this is not right for you, just make a choice.
It's not about convincing. You don't need to feel it in your gut. You just choose not to do it anymore and set yourself up ways to make following through easier and you just do the thing.
As for the other things, maybe go to therapy? You seem to be struggling with being in charge of your life and believing in your own self-worth, and that's what therapy is for. Let an expert teach you ways to be better at that stuff. (Dating other people works so much better when you are better at that stuff. Take a break, try that out.)
posted by Lyn Never at 1:21 PM on September 8, 2016
It's not about convincing. You don't need to feel it in your gut. You just choose not to do it anymore and set yourself up ways to make following through easier and you just do the thing.
As for the other things, maybe go to therapy? You seem to be struggling with being in charge of your life and believing in your own self-worth, and that's what therapy is for. Let an expert teach you ways to be better at that stuff. (Dating other people works so much better when you are better at that stuff. Take a break, try that out.)
posted by Lyn Never at 1:21 PM on September 8, 2016
I have been the drama queen girlfriend in a hetero version of this scenario. My observation is that the men who did this kind of dance with me were not comfortable with emotions. They were drawn to me because I am highly emotionally expressive. They seem unable to come out of their shell without something that breaks down the door. This was often a fight between us, followed by make up sex.
I hated that dynamic as much as they did.
Emotional intimacy should not involve this much drama. If you like an emotionally expressive partner, you can quietly express your appreciation for their characteristics. Your current gf probably does not need you to be emotionally effusive. If she liked that in a partner, she would have chosen someone else.
You can listen when she talks. You can make short comments that make it clear you are listening.
When I am being animated, my sons say stuff like "Mom has the best faces." They find me funny. They enjoy and appreciate my expressiveness. They also can let me know when they have had enough and I just need to chill without making me feel like I am being accused of being a bitch or a drama queen.
I have been involved with quiet men who enjoyed listening to me talk and who made this clear to me. They made it clear they were paying attention, they heard what I said, and I mattered to them even though I did like ten times as much talking as them.
Whether you try to work it out with her or decide this needs to end, I suggest you work on this in yourself. If you like this kind of person, you need to learn to interact constructively with such people. Thinking she's hot and making her feel like you think she's a bitch is not a good combo. It inevitably breeds resentment and drama.
If you really want to end it: Go no contact, date other people and start a journal to sort out your thoughts and feelings. If you do not learn from history, it tends to repeat itself.
posted by Michele in California at 2:47 PM on September 8, 2016
I hated that dynamic as much as they did.
Emotional intimacy should not involve this much drama. If you like an emotionally expressive partner, you can quietly express your appreciation for their characteristics. Your current gf probably does not need you to be emotionally effusive. If she liked that in a partner, she would have chosen someone else.
You can listen when she talks. You can make short comments that make it clear you are listening.
When I am being animated, my sons say stuff like "Mom has the best faces." They find me funny. They enjoy and appreciate my expressiveness. They also can let me know when they have had enough and I just need to chill without making me feel like I am being accused of being a bitch or a drama queen.
I have been involved with quiet men who enjoyed listening to me talk and who made this clear to me. They made it clear they were paying attention, they heard what I said, and I mattered to them even though I did like ten times as much talking as them.
Whether you try to work it out with her or decide this needs to end, I suggest you work on this in yourself. If you like this kind of person, you need to learn to interact constructively with such people. Thinking she's hot and making her feel like you think she's a bitch is not a good combo. It inevitably breeds resentment and drama.
If you really want to end it: Go no contact, date other people and start a journal to sort out your thoughts and feelings. If you do not learn from history, it tends to repeat itself.
posted by Michele in California at 2:47 PM on September 8, 2016
Sometimes attractive, volatile, dramatic people date much-younger people because people their own age won't put up with their shit. I'm around your girlfriend's age, and I would not be attracted to those qualities in a partner now--but I probably would have been at 25. So don't be too mad at yourself. Most people over 30 have that one charismatic, high-drama ex, but they're exes for a reason.
This situation sounds dysfunctional, and not sustainable long term. Maaaaaybe you two could make it work with a lot of counseling, but this sounds like it's not working for you, and you want off this emotional rollercoaster now.
The best way to make a breakup stick is to go no-contact for at least 4-6 months. In terms of dating again, I think you're probably a good candidate for online dating--it's good for introverts because you don't have to wonder if it's a romantic interaction. And seeing a therapist is always helpful if you have access to one.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 3:26 PM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
This situation sounds dysfunctional, and not sustainable long term. Maaaaaybe you two could make it work with a lot of counseling, but this sounds like it's not working for you, and you want off this emotional rollercoaster now.
The best way to make a breakup stick is to go no-contact for at least 4-6 months. In terms of dating again, I think you're probably a good candidate for online dating--it's good for introverts because you don't have to wonder if it's a romantic interaction. And seeing a therapist is always helpful if you have access to one.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 3:26 PM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Ok so of course everyone above is correct in that certain behaviors are not ok ( snappy and negative; silent treatment) but here's the thing: you keep coming back to her and she keeps coming back to you which means the two of you want to be together for some reason. If your goal is as stated, to finally break up with her and stay broken up with her, maybe ask yourself why you keep coming back? It might be some kind of dysfunction. Or, you might really love her. Only you can answer that question though.
If you do decide to stay / find yourself back with her again, you might consider working on your own behavior. You're snappy and negative because you're afraid - those are defensive postures. Thing is, her behaviors are *also* defensive postures. What you are each afraid of is something you'll each have to figure out, but anger is almost always an interface emotion for fear or anxiety. (Although I'd guess yours is connected to: "the only person who would put up with me" - and you might be surprised - hers might be the same exact fear.)
For you, one thing you might try is, instead of getting angry, be curious. Often when we feel hurt, we ask rhetorical questions (e.g. "why is she like that? why can't she just do xxxx?") - what if you actually tried to answer those questions with honesty and as much compassion as you can muster?
posted by eustacescrubb at 1:00 PM on September 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you do decide to stay / find yourself back with her again, you might consider working on your own behavior. You're snappy and negative because you're afraid - those are defensive postures. Thing is, her behaviors are *also* defensive postures. What you are each afraid of is something you'll each have to figure out, but anger is almost always an interface emotion for fear or anxiety. (Although I'd guess yours is connected to: "the only person who would put up with me" - and you might be surprised - hers might be the same exact fear.)
For you, one thing you might try is, instead of getting angry, be curious. Often when we feel hurt, we ask rhetorical questions (e.g. "why is she like that? why can't she just do xxxx?") - what if you actually tried to answer those questions with honesty and as much compassion as you can muster?
posted by eustacescrubb at 1:00 PM on September 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
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PS - The better relationships might not be exciting in the same way this one was. This one sounds pretty messed up, so that would be good. Therapy might be another great way to help you get over this relationship and find better ways of relating in your next one, too.
posted by ldthomps at 11:05 AM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]