Unintentionally Going on a Date with my TA

August 30, 2016 8:35 PM

I'm a senior in college who recently started talking to "Kyle" on Tinder. We scheduled a coffee date for this weekend and, in the ensuing conversation, we established that he is the TA for a music performance elective I just signed up for. Where do I go from here?

To give you some more detail, the class is set up so the professor is the professor in name only. All the in-class teaching is done by the TA - in my case, Kyle. Also, this elective is one I've wanted to take for a while - I was *so* incredibly excited when I was able to add it - and Kyle's section is the only open one that fits in my schedule.

Right now, my plan is to go to the class and see how it goes. If the class doesn't make me lose interest in Kyle (or vice versa), we would go on the date, which he said we could do if I was comfortable with it, and then I would re-evaluate. If it goes well and there's a second one on the horizon, I would probably drop the class. If it doesn't go well, I'm not sure yet what I would do. I'm also questioning whether to bother going to the class at all - and on the other hand whether to bother going on the date at all. Ideally I would have my cake and eat it too (I know that's getting ahead of myself) but doing so crosses lots of boundaries that are probably best left uncrossed. Any advice?

posted by that silly white dress to Human Relations (34 answers total)

Take the class, then go on the date? And never the twain shall meet...
posted by stoneandstar at 8:37 PM on August 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Take the class, then go on the date after the grades have been entered. Dating him while he's your teacher is unethical (of him), inappropriate, and likely prohibited by your school. Take the high road.
posted by bonheur at 8:39 PM on August 30, 2016 [42 favorites]

Best answer: Don't go on the date. Take the class, then date when the semester's up. Or, exactly what bonheur said. Dating an instructor is ethically bad for both of you, and there are likely actual consequences for him. Further, I'm sure he's great, but odds are it won't work out, so why skip a class you'd been looking forward to taking?

Or date him and ditch the class, but the real point here is there is no ethically ok way to both take the class and date him now.
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 8:42 PM on August 30, 2016 [21 favorites]

If the class doesn't make me lose interest in Kyle (or vice versa), we would go on the date, which he said we could do if I was comfortable with it, and then I would re-evaluate. If it goes well and there's a second one on the horizon, I would probably drop the class.

Your TA just suggested going on a date with a current student. I wouldn't date that man, nor would I take a class from him.
posted by lazuli at 8:42 PM on August 30, 2016 [60 favorites]

Best answer: If I'm following correctly: you were very excited about the chance to take this class, and you're a senior, so presumably you won't have another chance to take it before you graduate. Don't drop the class for a chance at dating the TA! Don't compromise your education for someone you just met on Tinder. Instead, take the class and if you want to date him after the semester is over, do that (or after you graduate, depending on your school's rules about student/teacher relationships.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:43 PM on August 30, 2016 [37 favorites]

Take the class. Drop the boy.

And it's really fucking unethical of him to suggest anything else but cancelling the date once he knew he was going to be your TA.
posted by MsMolly at 8:43 PM on August 30, 2016 [36 favorites]

You have the rest of your life to date guys you'll like as much as Kyle, but only one more year to take classes you'll like as much as this class. Take the class. Put all thoughts of the date off until after the semester. If Kyle brings up the date while you're his student, put all thoughts of the date off forever.
posted by escabeche at 8:45 PM on August 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

Right now, my plan is to go to the class and see how it goes. If the class doesn't make me lose interest in Kyle (or vice versa), we would go on the date, which he said we could do if I was comfortable with it, and then I would re-evaluate.

I am a university professor. If I found out about this - that an instructor/staff member dated (even briefly) a student actively enrolled in their class - I would have to report it to the Title IX Coordinator. I do not determine what would happen, but my guess is the TA would be terminated and would have bad references to boot, and that the school would do some apparently badly needed training across the board with all staff on ethics as well as Title IX. I am frankly somewhat surprised the TA was willing to go forward, but given his probable youth and entry-level position maybe he truly doesn't know it's a problem. It is, nevertheless, a problem. You will be doing him a big favor by either taking the class and resolving not to date until after the semester is over or dropping the class and dating him. (I would also question whether it was true ignorance of the problem on his end or if he just thinks he can get away with it/that it doesn't matter - the former is kind of thoughtless and doesn't speak too well to his critical thinking skills but the latter is even worse.)
posted by vegartanipla at 8:45 PM on August 30, 2016 [50 favorites]

Also, everyone is going to (rightfully!) say that dating the TA while taking his class is inappropriate. But don't feel too bad-- many students have gotten into awkward situations when they sleep with someone from their major, only to find out later that that person will be a grader for their class, etc. Just, like, don't willingly walk into that nightmare situation.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:46 PM on August 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

Something like this happened to me right after I graduated from college. I met someone online who it turned out was a grad student and TA in the undergrad department I had just left. When we realized what the situation was, she informed me that even though I'd never taken her class, we didn't know each other when I was in college, and I didn't intend to carry on in the field, we still couldn't date because people might make assumptions about how we met and that could hurt her career.

So, you *do* still go there, you *did* take his class? Sorry, girl. The prognosis is not good.

You need to tell him everything immediately.
posted by Sara C. at 8:52 PM on August 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Wait. Hold on. This guy already knows? There's no weird catch where he doesn't realize you're *that* That Silly White Dress? Nope. Run. And maybe consider also dropping the class. This is bad news.
posted by Sara C. at 8:56 PM on August 30, 2016

This is his problem, not yours. He needs to consult the rules. Then he gets back to you.

Also, a semester is a short amount of time. Hold off and put him on the back burner while he instructs you and let him know when second semester starts that you are thinking of him.

If you feel your attraction is super strong, drop the class and ad another.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:59 PM on August 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

The reason I think you should not date him and also drop the class is because the TA has shown himself to be unethical already. If you turn down the date, is he going to retaliate as your teacher?
posted by lazuli at 9:03 PM on August 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

I want to change my answer from above: you should neither date him nor take the class. If he's going to be your TA-cum-defacto-professor, and is okay with going on a date regardless, run far, far away.
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 9:06 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

And the fact that he's put you in a position where dropping a class you really want to take is the best option is why I also think you should report him to the college.
posted by lazuli at 9:14 PM on August 30, 2016 [7 favorites]

I think the advice to avoid both is over-cautious. The class will not be ruined by your TA's poor judgment.
posted by actionstations at 9:15 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Go on a date with him. I can't believe how uptight people are being about this. Is this going to end badly? Maybe. But for now it's just one date. Don't people here have any fun?
posted by paulcole at 10:26 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: There is so much fun that can be had... with dudes who are not in charge of your grade and who are probably not willing to violate the employer's policy about dating students! Go date them instead.
posted by rtha at 10:34 PM on August 30, 2016 [15 favorites]

Do not date this guy, and definitely don't date him now. If you proceed with the class (and I hope you do, because it's infuriating that your TA who you just met on Tinder would even suggest you drop it. Why doesn't he swap sections with another TA, eh?), keep copies of all your communications with him, especially the part where "he said we could [date] if I was comfortable with it" and the part where you tell him "no actually, I am totally not comfortable with this, I am canceling the date, see you in class!" I don't know how messaging in Tinder works, take screenshots if you have to.

I don't think you need to report this situation now. Probably it will just be a slightly awkward first day of class and then you'll both get over it. If sparks fly and it turns out to be twue wuv, you can deal with it when you're not his student. Worst case scenario, though, he does something that does warrant escalation (retaliation, harassment, preferential treatment, the list just goes on and on...) and it becomes a he-said-she-said about what your relationship actually is.
posted by yeahlikethat at 10:50 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Nthing don't date this guy.

My husband is a professor. If he or one of his TA's tried to pull what Kyle is attempting to do, he/they would be terminated. It's possible you think it flattering that Kyle would take such a risk for you, but this mostly represents some pretty poor judgment where his love life is concerned.

Maybe Kyle's the greatest guy under the sun. Maybe he's a malicious creep. All you know at this point is that he's either accidentally or deliberately placed you in a position where you have to choose between dating a guy (who you don't even really know yet!) and a class you wanted to take. Thanks, but no thanks; first dates should be fun and easy. In my book, the greatest guy under the sun would have already realized this isn't a good start to anything and would have backed off immediately instead of making you the one to shut down the party.
posted by Diagonalize at 11:05 PM on August 30, 2016 [4 favorites]

Is it not likely that other sections will open up in the first day or two of classes? Is there a wait list? What would you do if his section got cancelled?
posted by delezzo at 11:06 PM on August 30, 2016

Kyle is definitely not an ethical TA and may not make a very good boyfriend either. Is he new to teaching? It seems like he thinks it's 1978 still.

I would take the class, because you want to take the class. But I would not date Kyle. And I would try not to feel surprised when you realise he is getting his leg over other students and they are benefiting or suffering from his "favour".
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 11:56 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

I just had my mandatory yearly TA re-orientation last week, where we were told, as we are every year, in no uncertain terms, DO NOT DATE YOUR STUDENTS. If anyone I knew was trying to pull what you describe here, I would be side-eyeing them so hard my eyeballs might fall out.
posted by btfreek at 12:18 AM on August 31, 2016 [3 favorites]

Do not go on the date. Take the class. You can always drop the class if you don't want to be around Kyle or don't like the class - especially in the first few weeks in most cases.

I definitely wouldn't drop the class without even attending - especially in hopes of a date working out with a guy you met on Tinder.

I am also especially feeling icky about Kyle because the second he found out who you were he should have politely stopped the conversation.

I'm also assuming you're an undergrad and he's a graduate student of some kind? So there's an extra creepy level of someone preying on an undergrad or someone younger and not maintaining a personal boundary.

Say, "Kyle, I'd decided to continue with the class and keep this relationship professional. I'll see you in class."

If he continues to pressure you to drop the class or otherwise pressures you or asks you out I'd report him. Hell, I'm already creeped out enough that I'd consider reporting him already because he didn't already drop the conversation the second he found out but maybe he's just an idiot - which also doesn't bode well.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:35 AM on August 31, 2016 [3 favorites]

If the class doesn't make me lose interest in Kyle (or vice versa), we would go on the date, which he said we could do if I was comfortable with it, and then I would re-evaluate.

Does he mean going on that date during this academic semester? Because if so, this is incredibly unethical and a professional violation.

My suggestion is to report this TA immediately, because he may already have a history of pursuing students, or may establish a history of doing so.
posted by Dalby at 4:03 AM on August 31, 2016 [1 favorite]

If he is leaving the heavy lifting of deciding whether or not to date/take the class on you, even though it's against policy and a firable offense to date students...

Yes he is a creep and you should consider reporting him or just keep that option on the table. I'm disappointed you would drop a class for someone you only know over a dating app because you are worth more than such a flimsy connection.

"Kyle, I'm looking forward to the class, so let's reconnect on this after the end of the semester."

Save all correspondence just in case. Hopefully everything is smooth and you enjoy the class and get a fair grade. After the class, decline all invites from creepy unethical Kyle. This is not your burden to carry + he has rules to fall back on that he is not following. He's not BF material. Never date him.
posted by jbenben at 5:46 AM on August 31, 2016 [2 favorites]

i would consider taking the screenshots to the professor so that he has to be the one to deal with it. he should also be able to get you into a section with a different TA.
posted by noloveforned at 6:19 AM on August 31, 2016 [4 favorites]

As someone who "dated" a professor once (yes, my professor... yes, I was an undergraduate) this will not end good. He sees you as an object. You have so much to lose in this "relationship" that you have no idea.

Compound all of your current insecurities, multiply them by a million and you're still nowhere near it.

This guy is bad news. Scorn him.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:18 AM on August 31, 2016 [2 favorites]

Echoing others that you don't need (or want) to let limerence get in the way of your academics, especially before your first date.

As you said, you'll likely get to know him anyway during the class, in general. If the chemistry works after the class ends, great, and perhaps even better; if it doesn't, chalk this one up to bad timing and circumstances. Abstract a little: the reasons you would grow to not like him, or grow to like him, would be out of simple awareness-of-fit between you two in the classroom, and likely you could discern the same real attraction or disquietude regarding him whether you went on a date or in this class.

Frankly, you have to be patient if you want to date him; but if not, you're getting the easy way out. Plenty of breathing room.
posted by a good beginning at 8:30 AM on August 31, 2016 [1 favorite]

He has certainly been told not to do this in his TA training. And when he goes on Tinder, somewhere inside of his brain should be the idea that he may encounter students (especially if you're in a smaller town) and that he should be extra careful about this.
When I was a TA, my friends and I were extra cautious to avoid bars where we may bump into former or current students. It happened occasionally and we usually left.
It was also common for us to bump into our students working at various retail stores or cafes in town and then offering us a discount. We felt compelled to say no to that too.

If we all had the good sense to avoid these ethically-questionable situations, Kyle should be able to understand that dating a student is not okay.
posted by k8t at 8:50 AM on August 31, 2016 [1 favorite]

He has certainly been told not to do this in his TA training.

He should have been told this, but I'm not certain every academic institution actually has implemented TA training that covers this (or that some even have TA training beyond "you're going to be a TA as part of your stipend, you're with Professor Benniston, here's the class schedule and location, have fun"). Again, he should regardless as a critically thinking adult already have realized this is a no-go anyway, but I wouldn't go so far as to guarantee his institution has trained him properly.
posted by vegartanipla at 9:41 AM on August 31, 2016 [2 favorites]

This is a known NOT OKAY EVER completely verboten fireable offense at any educational institution worth the sign on its lawn. To the extent that Kyle should not need a special training to know that what he's doing is wrong. The school not having a special workshop for this is not an excuse. This crosses about a million ethical lines and is not OK for him to be doing, period.
posted by Sara C. at 10:22 AM on August 31, 2016 [2 favorites]

You know what the best case scenario for the relationship would be? You get married. He becomes a professor. Five years after you're married, he's creepering on his female undergrads.

There's something fundamentally wrong with an adult man who doesn't understand it's wrong to date someone he has such institutional power over. In my experience, they don't get better, they merely expand their range of operations.
posted by praemunire at 11:20 AM on August 31, 2016 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you all for the advice. This conversation with him happened at 2 am while I was hopped up on coffee and couldn't fall asleep, which is probably why I was more open to the idea of at least trying one date out with him than I should have been. I was definitely not thinking about consistently dating him while also taking the class.

Plan right now is pick class over boy, definitely needed some perspective. Fingers crossed that it doesn't cause any issues. Judging by his response (which gave me not-thinking-through-full-consequences-of-situation vibes as opposed to major-creep vibes) I don't think it will. Thanks again folks!
posted by that silly white dress at 12:00 PM on August 31, 2016 [10 favorites]