What's the appropriate response to being ogled by strangers?

August 20, 2016 1:56 PM

After several recent experiences being ogled in a very obvious way, I would like to learn how to respond (or how to let it go).

Over the last several months, I've been conspicuously leered at a number of times, and my reaction to this is often anger and frustration. I'm not talking about the normal looking and observing that we all do; we're all human, and we all look at other people and their bodies. I mean someone on the bus staring at me for a full 10 seconds, with a lecherous look (I'm not sure this is the right word, but it's not a neutral stare, at least from my perspective). This recently happened twice on the bus, and though I know that reacting is probably not recommended, I find myself doing a version of this expression and putting my hands face up, as if to say, "What the hell?" The two times I reacted this way on the bus, the oglers did some variation on putting on sunglasses / looking at the ceiling / saying "sorry" / not looking at me again.

A similar thing happened today as I was walking past a parking lot. A taxi driver sitting on the hood of his car turned his head all the way around to repeatedly stare. I did the "What?" hand motion and perplexed expression, and kept on walking. (This specific person lives near me, so I see him often. I heard that he was banned from a local bakery for taking photos of women inside.)

When this happens, I'm usually going to work or coming home. I'm not asking to be leered at. I'm not wearing revealing clothing. And, importantly, even if I was, I'm still not asking for it! I'm getting ticked off just typing this.

If it matters, I'm a 31 F. These particular situations have involved men. I'm not making any generalizations about all men, to be clear!

Maybe a Kristin Wiig face is the appropriate response?

I realize that this could be something I just need to ignore and let go. I also realize this likely happens to a lot of people every single day. What is the most appropriate reaction?

posted by sucre to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Short of anything that harms the other person physically or could bring you harm, the most appropriate reaction is whatever makes you feel better.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:16 PM on August 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

I love the Kristin Wiig one. Do it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:18 PM on August 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Are you in a big city? 20 years ago or more, it was very common for me to receive looks AND comments or calls. My 14 year old F self would have not even noticed pointed looks. Full on harrassment.

Ignore it or call it out. Echoing Brandon Blancher, whatever makes you feel better.

My point is this type of things seems to be getting better, so whatever it is you are doing - keep it up!!
posted by jbenben at 2:19 PM on August 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Perhaps this will be helpful?
posted by elf27 at 2:21 PM on August 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm in this situation as I've just moved to a small town and am a runner. My butt's pretty big so I get a lot of slow drive-by cars with stares, or pedestrians looking but trying to not look, or just directly staring (and I've gotten loads of street harassment in the past).
I think it would make me feel better, and maybe you too, if the next time this happens in a way that you want/need to express, is to do something funny as folks above suggested, or to say, "shame on you." I feel like it's a really powerful message that's pretty hard to reply to, and it's not very aggressive, it's just... direct.

Good luck! People can be weirdos, sometimes it gets to ya.
posted by erattacorrige at 2:26 PM on August 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Perhaps this 'toothy face' will do the trick.
posted by tarantara at 2:27 PM on August 20, 2016 [15 favorites]

Jenna Marbles has thoughts on how to avoid talking to people. It probably also works well for leering.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:27 PM on August 20, 2016

Pull crazy faces at them, shout at them loudly to fuck off, ignore them, give them the finger, lecture them impotently about how I'm not here as decoration, etc, etc. I've done all of them, you're free to handle it in whatever way you feel works best for you.

I like the shouting at them to go fuck themselves option, personally.
posted by phunniemee at 2:28 PM on August 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think you're doing great. I sometimes work up an ailing-grandfather cough. Or do a BIG yawn. UGLY yawn.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:31 PM on August 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Maybe a Kristin Wiig face is the appropriate response?

I like this. It works as a demonstration that you're not just scenery, you're a person with your own take on whatever is happening. And it's a proportional response, and keeps the stakes at the same level.
posted by wildblueyonder at 2:45 PM on August 20, 2016

Try looking them straight in the eye, with a blank expression, and then sticking a finger up your nose.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:58 PM on August 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: If you're gonna do anything other than ignore these guys, be prepared for an aggressive/cruel response. Every time I attempt anything other than ignoring a harasser, I come away feeling worse than if I'd just ignored it.
posted by mollymayhem at 3:08 PM on August 20, 2016 [23 favorites]

Best answer: My tactic about this is to ignore, and in general to wear headphones or sunglasses (whichever is more appropriate) so as to discourage eye contact and make it less likely that I'll be aware of this stuff/it'll escalate to an actual encounter of some kind. I'm sure people ogle me constantly, but I make it beneath my notice.

As many have said, and has been said in many other questions about street harassment, if you react in a way designed for the ogler to notice, you will also likely escalate the situation in a way you don't want.
posted by Sara C. at 3:26 PM on August 20, 2016 [6 favorites]

Whip out your phone and take a photo of them. They make you uncomfortable and wonder what they're going to do next? Well now you've got a picture of them, they'll know how that feels too.
posted by Jubey at 4:01 PM on August 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

I should add, I would only ever use this in a situation where you're surrounded by other people and/or you feel completely safe, because absolutely, it could escalate. You may never feel that way, in which case, headphones and ignore.
posted by Jubey at 4:07 PM on August 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

You have my permission to roar "STOP LEERING AT ME, YOU CREEPY ASSHOLE!!!" at them. Wrt to cabby and others pulling this in their place of employment, I would also call the business and report them.
posted by brujita at 4:26 PM on August 20, 2016 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I agree with others that there is no appropriate response to this. What they're doing is shitty, gross, and dehumanizing, and there is no good or normal way to react to being treated like that.
posted by a strong female character at 5:00 PM on August 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

I can personally vouch for the toothy face. It feels GREAT. Before that I used to stare right back at them and then say aggressively, "WHAT". That worked too but left me feeling more flustered than the toothy grin. YMMV. I'm sorry you/me/we have to deal with this. It's exhausting.
posted by stellaluna at 5:46 PM on August 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

You might find some useful insights on this thread: Hi-Whatcha-reading.

I have a pair of shaded glasses that provide privacy. I also have a few scary stories about men who responded very aggressively to rejection, even with a lot of strangers looking on. Nthing trying to just ignore and get them out of your life as soon as possible.
posted by effluvia at 5:56 PM on August 20, 2016

I often want to scream at these people, but I refrain for the reasons effluvia describes above. Staring them down works, but I love the toothy grin advice mentioned upthread. Creative and so awkward.
posted by onecircleaday at 7:30 PM on August 20, 2016

FWIW I'm about your age and my technique (so long as I don't get a will-get-agressive vibe from the oggler) is to put on my very best Pissed Off Librarian/Angry Mother face, with raised eyebrows, set jaw, and slightly pursed lips, and very pointedly stare back. Usually this shames them enough to end the oggling. I like to believe I suddenly remind them of some female authority figure from their childhood. Probably not, but I enjoy the mental image.
posted by JuliaIglesias at 7:41 PM on August 20, 2016

I do as Charlize Theron does: keep my expression as stony as possible, all the while thinking, "Murder..."

It is reasonably effective, but I am usually hit on by men 50+ whose pick up lines usually start with, "You remind me of my daughter/granddaughter/recently departed wife when she was young/etc", so YMMV.

then there are the 15-16 year olds who genuinely think I am their age even though I am nearly 30 and that's a whole 'nother debacle unto itself unless they're sweet and polite and then usually I buy them a smoothie or something and let them say to their friends that my boyfriend goes to another high school but thanks anyway because I am a big ridiculous softie. this does not mean I condone the outright gross leering though. Eff that every which way but Tuesday regardless of the age of the louse doing it.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:22 PM on August 20, 2016

I usually just do the Stoneface with a side of "refusal to make eye contact," but I think I'm going to pull out this variation on the toothy the next time this happens to me.
posted by sallybrown at 2:56 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: In certain environments, you could harness the power of ridicule. A withering "Really?" with a raised eyebrow and a sarcastic smirk, if necessary followed up by "Are you seriously trying to hit on me?" or "Is that how your mother raised you?"

Toothy face probably gets the message across more succinctly, though.
posted by danceswithlight at 7:41 PM on August 21, 2016

Response by poster: I love all these answers. The "Jessica's Feminized Atmosphere" video cracked me up, as did the toothy face. And Jenna Marbles, yes!

I agree that initiating an interaction is probably inadvisable. You never know what could happen. I just get so pissed off in the moment that it's hard for me to just chill out and ignore it. Thank you for all these insights!
posted by sucre at 6:06 PM on August 22, 2016

Best answer: Toothy face, Kristen Wiig face, etc. Just like a weird inscrutable face that's sort of unreadable and weird.

It doesn't work in every situation but if I am REALLY not in the mood I use it. If you look happy that gets attention, if you look angry (which harassment inspires) then it's "come on, smile"....

If you have just a deeply weird expression the harassers seem to not know wtf to do and will usually just pass by.
posted by zutalors! at 7:20 PM on August 22, 2016