Parenting for the anally retentive

August 16, 2016 6:10 PM

Cleanliness and order are pretty critical to my sanity. I live with 3.5 and 5.5 year old who thrive on mess and chaos. I am turning into a grumpy, controlling as*hole of a parent as a result and would like to knock it off and let them be kids without losing my mind. Fellow neat freak parents - tips for negotiating this more successfully?

Context: We live in a 3 bedroom apartment w/minimal storage space.

posted by ryanshepard to Human Relations (16 answers total)

For me, this was a question of allocation of space and regular scheduled cleanup sessions. The scheduled cleanups help me stay calm when I see messes, because we all know when they're going to be cleaned up.

I allocated spaces in the house that they were absolutely not to ever bring their toys into (everywhere but their room, their bathroom, and the living room) and spaces where they could. If your shared space doesn't lend itself easily to that kind of division, you can think about getting an area rug or something that delineates their space visually.

Cleanup is a scheduled activity. For us, basic straightening up of the shared space every night; and a deeper one Sunday night that includes putting away everything in the bedroom as well.

Also, you have to get more storage AND be very strict (and discreet! They don't need to know) about throwing away their junk. Birthday parties need to be no-gift, but they will still accumulate too much stuff. If you have a wall, one big Ikea thing like this can help keep all that stuff off the floor.

It's still a battle. Oh, and your partner needs to be on the same page with you or it will not happen. Alternate supervision of the cleanup sessions so you don't wind up as the bad guy.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:21 PM on August 16, 2016 [10 favorites]

My mom used to let me keep my room as slovenly as my heart desired but the rest of the house had to be neat. Also I had to keep the door to said room closed at all times (unless it was tidied up).
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:22 PM on August 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

Best answer: I'm right there with you. My kids are similar in age to your kids plus a baby. Get rid of 80% of their stuff. At least. They probably won't miss it and it makes the time and space (and sanity) that remains so much more enjoyable. Before moving to the suburbs last year we were in a small apartment and when I packed up their stuff before the move, I found that we had so much more fun with what was left. One box of crayons, some magnatiles, a bouncy ball and some magnetic letters. We had a blast. I think the excess actually causes the children stress as well.
posted by defreckled at 6:27 PM on August 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

When my oldest was a baby I thought I needed a bunch of toys for him, but then I realized that he was at daycare fulltime and that we aren't really home too much on weekends. So we don't really ever buy toys. We gratefully accept toys for birthdays but I put them in the closet and they get doled out one at a time at intervals over the course of several weeks to several months depending on how many things we received. It gives me time to quietly put things away, while.not being overwhelmed by new things.
posted by vignettist at 7:20 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Maybe you could rework the room arrangement a little. Instead of each kid having their own bedroom, they could share one room just for sleeping and have the other be a playroom/kid room. We are in the process of setting up a playroom in my house and I am so relieved that I can just sit and enjoy a book and not be staring at a floor full of Lego pieces.
posted by ficbot at 8:03 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

When I taught preschool, we used cleanup songs and made toy cleanup a race.
posted by slateyness at 8:13 PM on August 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

Reduce the amount of stuff you have (theirs and yours) and allow one messy space (their room) and require other rooms to be tidied.

In our living room we have a large bin for toys and we just toss everything into at the end of the day. Yes there is chaos...but it lives in the bin.
posted by Toddles at 8:17 PM on August 16, 2016

Best answer: A friend of mine has a fastidious ritual: no matter how foul the rest of his house, he always keeps a single table completely pristine. No items, no papers, no drinking glasses, no smudges, no dust. Not even a set of keys.

When everything else is UPROAR, that little island of sanity remains.
posted by fritillary at 8:19 PM on August 16, 2016

My kids are pretty much the same ages as yours and I'm a neat freak as well. I know this is not the advice you are looking for but... just surrender.

I know you want these three things:

1) Kids
2) Clean house
3) Sanity

But the problem is -- you can only pick two!
posted by Mr. X at 8:26 PM on August 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

Yeah, if your kids aren't in your home for most of the day, toys can be REALLY minimal.
You can train your kids to take out a Tupperware or whatever of the toy they're playing with and then put it back when they are done.
Cleaning up is a group activity a few times a day.
There are a ton of storage solutions. I'm a fan of the ikea or closet maid cubes and the fabric cubes to hold toys and/or Tupperware.
I have always kept my kids' toys separate from his sleeping space.

The mess has never been a problem for me, because we had/have systems, even when I was hosting a nanny share of with three toddlers.

SYSTEMS AND EXPECTATIONS. AND TUPPERWARE.
posted by k8t at 8:27 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Everyone here is on the money. First you need less stuff. Then you need more storage (bins or tubs work great.) Then you need a system whereby you tell the kids - and yours are the same age as mine, so old enough to follow this - that they can't play with a new toy until the current toys they're playing with are packed away. This has added impact if what they want to play with are up on a shelf out of reach so they have to actually ask you to get them, but even if they're not, get the kids in the habit of packing one project away before they play with the next. Bins within reach that even the youngest can easily throw things into helps.

Then finally, a dedicated play area would be great but I find they like to play in the main living area. It's hard to constrain them to one room. Having said that, we have our adults bedroom/bathroom/study downstairs and they know that space is grown ups only and no toys are ever brought down there. So our area is always clean.

Now my systems aren't perfect but it's drastically better than it used to be and I don't feel like my house is over run with kid detritus. Pack away only takes a few minutes, ever. It's just getting them in the habit to start with. Withholding the next fun toy until it's done is the key. I decided very early on that I wasn't going to be a slave to my kids, picking up after them way into their teens. So far, so good.
posted by Jubey at 11:41 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Hello, slob here checking in. I have a 7-yo and a 4-yo.

I call myself a slob because I am definitely not a neat freak, but I also am getting sick of living in a giant storage bin for Shopkins and Legos. The advice to get rid of stuff is spot on. I recently donated/tossed so many toys and my kids did not even notice. Bonus, they started playing with the actual toys they had instead of pulling out all the Tupperware.

What's also worked well for us is to involve the kids in the cleaning process. Daycare has a rule that they can't take out a new toy until they've put away the one they're currently playing with, so that is also our rule. I have noticed the chaos increases exponentially when the toys are jumbled together instead of kept in their proper box or bin so we've really been making an extra effort to have a proper place for everything. We have a Trofast from Ikea and I even went and labeled what should go in each bin with a piece of clear tape and a sharpie. My younger one can't read but my oldest can so she can remind him where it goes.

I grew up with neat freak parents and just want to remind you that this too shall pass and it won't always be like this. I wish my parents had actually taught me HOW to clean up instead of yelling at me for being messy. I know it is much easier said than done but be patient with your kids and show them how to pick up their shit. Make it a game, give them stickers for a job well done.
posted by sutel at 3:26 AM on August 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

In addition to the above great advice, one thing that was a game-changer for me was buying a toy storage system that is the same as the one at my child's pre-school. (Spoiler: it's the ikea trofast. I got it on Craigslist for cheap). The advantage is that she knows how to use it and I realized her school had probably tried several methods and selected the best. The trofast is great because the kids can carry the bin to the toys and the bins are large enough to hold a lot of junk. And then you have to ruthlessly declutter. What we try to do is give our kid the option of "you only have so many bins and toys have to fit in the bins." And then she can select a type of toy to pack away for a bit. So right now we have a box of toy animals and toy cars in the basement, and if she ever gets tired of her current toys we can rotate those back in. When she was younger, I could make these decisions myself or just clean out toys without her knowing. But now that she's getting school-age, she will notice when toys are missing and I think it's better to have her involved in the decisions.
I recently posted a sign by our back door for me that reminds me, "It's okay to be late. Kids before clocks." This was because I was finding myself freaking out when we were trying to leave to be somewhere, and I hated how angry I was getting at my kids. The sign helps me remember that being kind is more important than being on time, and gives me a chance to take a breath and remember my priorities. Something like that may work when you're blood's starting to boil over messy rooms.
posted by areaperson at 1:25 PM on August 17, 2016

Best answer: One more thing that has been a life changer around here: I got two of these hammocks (can't recall the brand specifically but they all appear about the same) for the 98574975825 stuffed animals my kids insist on keeping. They hang near the ceiling, take up no room, stuffies are easily thrown up there, and it eliminated an entire category of toy from the need-to-find-room-for-it category.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:45 PM on August 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Boxes for all the things. Lego goes in a box, ponies and action figures and dolls in the toy box apartment we built, art stuff on her desk. As stuff accumulates it gets harder for her to manage it, so we reduce the clutter. It takes time, and is a constant (if she spends time with certain relatives we go straight back to mess because either they are neat freaks + control freaks so the kids don't tidy since they 'get it wrong' so someone else does it in a huff, or they dump rubbish on the floor).

The boxes reduce the visual clutter, and provide a limit on the amounts.

We also make sure cleaning stuff is around - baby wipes are great for that, so kiddo can wipe up her own messes (mostly) and will sit and clean toys sometimes too.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:39 PM on August 17, 2016

I made my daughter's room her space as she pleased to keep it, she s 8 and loves crafting and making tons of trash all over the place while immersed in constructing her project. Also, clothes. Within hours or days it was a massive mess. This seemed like a fine way to handle keeping the house tidy but a couple of results made me think otherwise. First, by telling her she couldn't leave any toys in the rest of the house rather than just my bedroom, I was implying that the house isn't hers, but mine. Why not just make my room my safe space? Of course, I believe that we all need to respect the communal space but I realized I was being too territorial with the rest of the house, especially given my antiques and books are populating those rooms. Second, she really hated having a messy room so letting her room be her safe space resulted in her feeling bad there. What came out of this was a compromise: She is allowed to use the whole house as she pleases as long as she keeps it under control. The house doesn't need to be spotless like it was before we had her but it also isn't a pig sty. In my mind, I gave her "permission" to live in the whole house, just as she should. It's more work than making a rule of no toys outside your room but it makes it our home rather than my home and she's a boarder. Also, I put effort weekly into helping her organize her room. I used to make her clean it herself but decided that this was a bit cruel. I help her and she does most of the work but I keep it moving. She vacuums, I dust.
posted by waving at 6:48 AM on August 18, 2016