How to co-parent with someone you still love?
August 15, 2016 10:14 AM Subscribe
I am looking for advice on how to co-parent effectively with someone, while you are still working on "getting over" them or moving on. What are the best steps you have taken, or you can recommend? It's feels impossible to move forward with your life and from someone you have constant contact with due to a child.
My previous post can sum up the relationship that I just decided to end. Briefly, I have been with someone for 3 years and we had an "oops" baby who is now one years old. I carried his resent for the pregnancy (he told me he resented me and didn't trust me as a woman for not taking my pill, getting pregnant and "forcing" him in this, and made me get a paternity test so that he could "trust" me again), on top of that, I carreid my guilt because I believed him, and most recently he told me he didn't love me, wasn't connected to me, that he needed more substance in a woman, and that he would not be here if it weren't for our child, and that I am to blame for where he is in his life because he is now respondible for another baby he didn't plan for. He left, told me he signed a year lease somewhere but stayed at my home for about 1.5 weeks until his place was ready (truth: he never signed a lease, and ended up me making him leave because I was uncomfortable with his coming and going on his time, and he ended up in a temporary short term lease). During this time, I have realized and recognized I was not a priority to him, that the responsiblity of being a boyfriend and father was too much, he still wants to have his own time, his own life, and freedoms to do what he wants but wants that family life to fall back on (when it is convenient for him).
He is now in over drive trying to get me back (predictable), telling me it's not over, that he is buying a house for us, everytime he comes to see our daughter (twice a week and once during the weekend), he makes comments about going into the bedroom, how attracted he is to me, or begs me to let him stay for a few hours, or asks to cook me dinner, he gets touchy feely and every time he begs me not to give up on him and our family. It is hard for me because I want him to spend time with his daughter, but having him in and out of my house or meeting him is making it very uncomfortable for me. I have voiced it to him, he sais sorry but every time he does it again. I have made a decision, I feel strong and confident about my decision, but it never fails every single time (even if we decide to meet outside of my home), he winks, flirts, tries to hug and kiss me, tries to get me to "give in" and just let him back in, tells me everything I could want to hear how much he realizes he loves me. I don't know how to move forward with my life, and stick to my decision, when I have someone who continues to try to get into my mind... I am in a very tough spot because he is very manipulative and smoozes me very easily, I'm still weak to him and even though I make him leave and don't allow him in, after he begs and tries keeping me close after finally getting him to leave or myself leaving, I end up on the floor crying trying to re-convince myself, and remind myself this is whats best for me and my daughter. He has left before a few times over the course of the 3 years, so him coming back confessing his appologies and love for me has happened several times before.
How do I navigate co-parenting with someone I clearly still love, but know is not good for me? How do I keep my strength and move forward when 3 times a week I have to look in his eyes while he begs for me and our family back? I feel so strong, and then I see him, and I feel weak again (he doesn't see me weak, I wait until he leaves), I question and doubt myself, and I am back to square one each week. How can I remain confident and strong in my decision, when evertime I see him it chips away at my decision or confidence in the decision I made?
My previous post can sum up the relationship that I just decided to end. Briefly, I have been with someone for 3 years and we had an "oops" baby who is now one years old. I carried his resent for the pregnancy (he told me he resented me and didn't trust me as a woman for not taking my pill, getting pregnant and "forcing" him in this, and made me get a paternity test so that he could "trust" me again), on top of that, I carreid my guilt because I believed him, and most recently he told me he didn't love me, wasn't connected to me, that he needed more substance in a woman, and that he would not be here if it weren't for our child, and that I am to blame for where he is in his life because he is now respondible for another baby he didn't plan for. He left, told me he signed a year lease somewhere but stayed at my home for about 1.5 weeks until his place was ready (truth: he never signed a lease, and ended up me making him leave because I was uncomfortable with his coming and going on his time, and he ended up in a temporary short term lease). During this time, I have realized and recognized I was not a priority to him, that the responsiblity of being a boyfriend and father was too much, he still wants to have his own time, his own life, and freedoms to do what he wants but wants that family life to fall back on (when it is convenient for him).
He is now in over drive trying to get me back (predictable), telling me it's not over, that he is buying a house for us, everytime he comes to see our daughter (twice a week and once during the weekend), he makes comments about going into the bedroom, how attracted he is to me, or begs me to let him stay for a few hours, or asks to cook me dinner, he gets touchy feely and every time he begs me not to give up on him and our family. It is hard for me because I want him to spend time with his daughter, but having him in and out of my house or meeting him is making it very uncomfortable for me. I have voiced it to him, he sais sorry but every time he does it again. I have made a decision, I feel strong and confident about my decision, but it never fails every single time (even if we decide to meet outside of my home), he winks, flirts, tries to hug and kiss me, tries to get me to "give in" and just let him back in, tells me everything I could want to hear how much he realizes he loves me. I don't know how to move forward with my life, and stick to my decision, when I have someone who continues to try to get into my mind... I am in a very tough spot because he is very manipulative and smoozes me very easily, I'm still weak to him and even though I make him leave and don't allow him in, after he begs and tries keeping me close after finally getting him to leave or myself leaving, I end up on the floor crying trying to re-convince myself, and remind myself this is whats best for me and my daughter. He has left before a few times over the course of the 3 years, so him coming back confessing his appologies and love for me has happened several times before.
How do I navigate co-parenting with someone I clearly still love, but know is not good for me? How do I keep my strength and move forward when 3 times a week I have to look in his eyes while he begs for me and our family back? I feel so strong, and then I see him, and I feel weak again (he doesn't see me weak, I wait until he leaves), I question and doubt myself, and I am back to square one each week. How can I remain confident and strong in my decision, when evertime I see him it chips away at my decision or confidence in the decision I made?
Do you trust him to be alone with your daughter? If so, can you arrange his visits so that you have minimal contact with him? Drop her off at his house, go have coffee/a pedicure/yoga class/something else for you, and then pick her up?
If you don't trust him, do you have a trusted loved one who could sit in on the visitations instead of you? Because you need to minimize contact with this guy for a while.
What is the legal situation with regards to custody? Can you limit/stop his visitations with your daughter if he persists in behavior that you consider unacceptable?
posted by sparklemotion at 10:28 AM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you don't trust him, do you have a trusted loved one who could sit in on the visitations instead of you? Because you need to minimize contact with this guy for a while.
What is the legal situation with regards to custody? Can you limit/stop his visitations with your daughter if he persists in behavior that you consider unacceptable?
posted by sparklemotion at 10:28 AM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: That's a lot of stuff to unpack beyond just the question you asked, so I'm assuming you still want him involved in your daughter's life. He and you are not a good fit, regardless of whether he is still a good dad to your daughter. You can both be better parents if you detach your lives from each other.
For me, the best thing I learned early in my divorce is to set up a very rigid custody schedule. For us, that's a 5-2-2-5 schedule, but there are variations. Have one parent drop off at daycare and have the other parent pick up if possible. That way you have as little face-to-face time as possible. You can still switch weekends... but switches should be explicit and negotiated.
Any other transfers should happen outside one of your house, such as on the porch. No lingering. No coming in the other person's space.
posted by Llamadogdad at 10:33 AM on August 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
For me, the best thing I learned early in my divorce is to set up a very rigid custody schedule. For us, that's a 5-2-2-5 schedule, but there are variations. Have one parent drop off at daycare and have the other parent pick up if possible. That way you have as little face-to-face time as possible. You can still switch weekends... but switches should be explicit and negotiated.
Any other transfers should happen outside one of your house, such as on the porch. No lingering. No coming in the other person's space.
posted by Llamadogdad at 10:33 AM on August 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
This sounds really hard. From your description it sounds like you have made a good decision and know that you made a good decision -- so stick with it!
My sister has had a difficult go with a similar situation, but that has mostly been because the dad went out of his way to be a major jerk at every interaction. You have a different sort of jerk who is going out of his way to be nice (but in a pretty creepy, controlling kind of way).
My sister worked to create space and minimize interactions. She limited communication to be about logistics for visits, and kept things brisk at pick-up and drop-off times. If he tried to initiate conversation or negotiation about something, she would remind him that those conversations shouldn't happen in front of their daughter and that he would need to arrange a different time for it or do it through email. Sometimes she was able to have friends or family present and pick up and drop off times to make it harder for him to be a jerk in those moments. She leaned on a lawyer to help handle more difficult negotiations, many of which happened in court. She also let the court order (once there was one) stand in place of many conversations -- rather than having a discussion, she could just reference the order and avoid the power struggle.
Sounds like much of your problem right now is happening during his parenting time, which takes place in your home. Would you feel comfortable requiring his parenting time to happen at his own place? This could go a long way toward helping you draw out your boundary lines, both for your own clarity and so that it is easy to make it clear to him when he is crossing them.
It will also help in the long term to formalize the relationship through a court order. That will establish his financial contributions, visitation schedule, and lots of other things. You don't want to have to struggle about that stuff with this guy -- you just need it to be settled and clear so that he can't make you feel guilty every time you remind him how much diapers (and everything else needed to raise a child) costs. I recommend starting a log now that collects all correspondence between the two of you, tracks your expenses, his visitation hours, etc -- this may come in very handy later in a court situation.
Best of luck through all this and stay strong!
posted by cubby at 10:34 AM on August 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
My sister has had a difficult go with a similar situation, but that has mostly been because the dad went out of his way to be a major jerk at every interaction. You have a different sort of jerk who is going out of his way to be nice (but in a pretty creepy, controlling kind of way).
My sister worked to create space and minimize interactions. She limited communication to be about logistics for visits, and kept things brisk at pick-up and drop-off times. If he tried to initiate conversation or negotiation about something, she would remind him that those conversations shouldn't happen in front of their daughter and that he would need to arrange a different time for it or do it through email. Sometimes she was able to have friends or family present and pick up and drop off times to make it harder for him to be a jerk in those moments. She leaned on a lawyer to help handle more difficult negotiations, many of which happened in court. She also let the court order (once there was one) stand in place of many conversations -- rather than having a discussion, she could just reference the order and avoid the power struggle.
Sounds like much of your problem right now is happening during his parenting time, which takes place in your home. Would you feel comfortable requiring his parenting time to happen at his own place? This could go a long way toward helping you draw out your boundary lines, both for your own clarity and so that it is easy to make it clear to him when he is crossing them.
It will also help in the long term to formalize the relationship through a court order. That will establish his financial contributions, visitation schedule, and lots of other things. You don't want to have to struggle about that stuff with this guy -- you just need it to be settled and clear so that he can't make you feel guilty every time you remind him how much diapers (and everything else needed to raise a child) costs. I recommend starting a log now that collects all correspondence between the two of you, tracks your expenses, his visitation hours, etc -- this may come in very handy later in a court situation.
Best of luck through all this and stay strong!
posted by cubby at 10:34 AM on August 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry, he sounds like a horrible, manipulative and abusive person. Can a third party (even a friend of yours) do the handovers? And by hand-overs, I mean he is given the child and then walks away to give you a break. His visitation of a one-year old should not be taking place inyour home (where instead of paying attention to his daughter he is abusing you)- the exception being if he is abusive to your daughter, in which case you need professionals involved and as witnesses to back you up.
posted by saucysault at 10:37 AM on August 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 10:37 AM on August 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
I try not to be judgmental, but in case it helps you: he does indeed sound like THE WORST.
Maybe he's that way because of issues in his own life, but he's pretty much the worst as far as you're concerned. Use this knowledge for good.
I mean, this is comedy movie levels of THE WORSTness. A bad, overly simplistic, 1980's comedy movie. Maybe seeing him as secretly hilarious will help you move on...
posted by amtho at 11:21 AM on August 15, 2016
Maybe he's that way because of issues in his own life, but he's pretty much the worst as far as you're concerned. Use this knowledge for good.
I mean, this is comedy movie levels of THE WORSTness. A bad, overly simplistic, 1980's comedy movie. Maybe seeing him as secretly hilarious will help you move on...
posted by amtho at 11:21 AM on August 15, 2016
Best answer: You might try to keep in mind that even at this young age, your daughter is learning from you how relationships between men and women should work. Whatever you let your ex do to you, you'll teach her to put up with-- perhaps even to seek out-- from some other douchebag someday.
When you feel yourself tempted to cave in and take him back after some shallow flattery or half-assed apology, ask yourself how you'd want your daughter to respond to similar behavior from a man who'd hurt her time and time again. By being strong, standing your ground, and protecting yourself, you're helping your little girl to learn to be strong and protect herself someday.
posted by Bardolph at 11:25 AM on August 15, 2016 [28 favorites]
When you feel yourself tempted to cave in and take him back after some shallow flattery or half-assed apology, ask yourself how you'd want your daughter to respond to similar behavior from a man who'd hurt her time and time again. By being strong, standing your ground, and protecting yourself, you're helping your little girl to learn to be strong and protect herself someday.
posted by Bardolph at 11:25 AM on August 15, 2016 [28 favorites]
Therapy. Therapy therapy therapy. Or at least an understanding friend.
I grew up with a mother who - while not abusive - screwed with my sense of what was reasonable, and my ability to set boundaries. Having someone who could a) listen to me vent and b) say, 'Tam, no, your mother is being ridiculous,' as the case warranted was SO HELPFUL to me. I can't recommend finding yourself a good therapist strongly enough.
Also, I second the suggestion to minimise contact, and to remember that you're an example to your daughter. You might also find the Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do that useful in figuring out how to deal with your ex.
posted by Tamanna at 2:24 PM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
I grew up with a mother who - while not abusive - screwed with my sense of what was reasonable, and my ability to set boundaries. Having someone who could a) listen to me vent and b) say, 'Tam, no, your mother is being ridiculous,' as the case warranted was SO HELPFUL to me. I can't recommend finding yourself a good therapist strongly enough.
Also, I second the suggestion to minimise contact, and to remember that you're an example to your daughter. You might also find the Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do that useful in figuring out how to deal with your ex.
posted by Tamanna at 2:24 PM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Communication should be done by email. When you see him, it should literally be him standing on your doorstep while you hand him the baby and supplies. Don't let him in the house, don't say anything more to him than, here you go, I'll see her back in two days. If you have an issue, text or email me.
posted by Jubey at 2:49 PM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 2:49 PM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
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1) He's literally THE WORST, and I am so sorry you have to deal with him.
2) You just have to keep reminding yourself that everything he says, ever, is a lie. He doesn't love you, he doesn't want your family back, he doesn't probably even care all that much about his kid. Learn to see his words for what they are: gross, disgusting lies told by a man who is just hoping to get some easy sex and maybe some free rent until he finds someone "better" for easy sex and free rent.
And seriously? He doesn't get to touch you. He doesn't get to hug you or kiss you. You are within your rights to tell him, loudly and unkindly, to get his fucking hands off you. Every time.
But I'll bet it will only take one time for him to show his true colors. The minute you set a hard boundary he'll go back to "what an awful person you are" and how much he "resents" you.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:26 AM on August 15, 2016 [41 favorites]