mental health potpourri
August 10, 2016 10:25 PM Subscribe
I have some low-level mental and behavioral health-esque issues that I'm not sure how to address, including hair pulling, food hoarding, and generally not being good at assessing/meeting my needs.
I don't have full-blown trichotillomania, but I notice that when I'm a bit more stressed, I compulsively snap off dry or split-ended hairs. This lasts for maybe 4-8 days out of a month, for example, or can happen acutely during an exam. It goes away when I feel emotionally well.
I don't have body image issues, and my weight is normal and stable, but I have issues with hoarding free food. I will take more food than any reasonable person would eat and then eat some of it (usually a normal or slightly above normal amount) and throw away the rest. Somehow, throwing the free food away feels integral to the process. I also notice that even when I do eat a bag or serving of something, I am compelled to throw away 5-10% of it. Again, this feels more compulsive than anything else, and similarly, it gets better on days that I feel emotionally well.
I live and eat almost all my meals alone. It sucks. I don't eat "real food," I eat random bits of snacks (like canned vegetables, random condiment packets from free lunches, expired yogurts that people don't want or would otherwise be thrown away, a piece of fruit, some nuts, frozen berries that I can't even be bothered to thaw before eating) until I don't feel that hungry anymore. Sometimes I am very bad at gauging how hungry my body actually feels, and so even if I've eaten and I don't feel hungry, if I cognitively think to myself, "that wasn't that much food, I could eat more just to have eaten more," I will compulsively eat more. Some days I can be a little more calculating about my food, but my main issue now is that I just don't reliably eat real meals, I'm hungry but have no appetite but then also feel compelled to eat compulsively and hoard food that I don't even like or have a taste for... does this even make sense?
I know resources that support cooking for one, but when I do that, I cook 3-4 portions to theoretically save for later, but cannot maintain the food in my fridge. Instead, I eat about one portion and then waste/throw out/pick at/chew and spit out the remainder of the food. I don't really know why I do this. Is there a term to describe this?
Other things: Lately, my apartment has been really messy and I just don't feel motivated enough to organize it. I leave dishes undone until I have to use them, etc. I'm not good at spending money (I am painfully cheap and this is a huge mental stress on me; I waste food but of note, it isn't food that I've purchased per se). I am not good at reliably going to the doctor because sometimes I worry that it will cost too much, and that my health issues aren't really worth looking into because I'm probably fine, being young and generally well, and I feel guilty about that. I am not currently under financial strain, but I think this is leftover from childhood poverty. I wasn't abused growing up, but parts of me still relate strongly to descriptions of people who were abused.
I generally feel incredibly fortunate to have everything I do, and I have good friends, am involved in the community, and am high functioning (elite undergrad and med school, doing well) my existence kind of sucks. I'm in a long-distance relationship and I haven't had any physical contact for over six months, and I just want to snuggle, dammit. I will see my significant other in a few weeks, so I am really looking forward to that.
Otherwise, I have a bunch of hobbies that I'm excited about, I am happy, my sleep and energy are good, and I don't think that I'd necessarily meet criteria for major depression. I am in therapy and that is somewhat helpful, although I also feel that therapy is mostly for well-off white people, and I don't fully relate, because... yeah, maybe the way I grew up was suboptimal, but it was surely better than 99.999% of the possible lives I could've otherwise led given my family circumstances.
What do I need to do? I feel like my issues are at least not functionally impairing me but I also don't think that this is normal or healthy. I don't like it, and I don't know what to do. I don't think my behaviors fall neatly into any specific diagnosis. I tried bringing this up to my therapist but the modality of treatment isn't behavior-oriented so I did not actually get to talk about my behaviors. I also cannot change my living situation for another 9 months.
I don't have full-blown trichotillomania, but I notice that when I'm a bit more stressed, I compulsively snap off dry or split-ended hairs. This lasts for maybe 4-8 days out of a month, for example, or can happen acutely during an exam. It goes away when I feel emotionally well.
I don't have body image issues, and my weight is normal and stable, but I have issues with hoarding free food. I will take more food than any reasonable person would eat and then eat some of it (usually a normal or slightly above normal amount) and throw away the rest. Somehow, throwing the free food away feels integral to the process. I also notice that even when I do eat a bag or serving of something, I am compelled to throw away 5-10% of it. Again, this feels more compulsive than anything else, and similarly, it gets better on days that I feel emotionally well.
I live and eat almost all my meals alone. It sucks. I don't eat "real food," I eat random bits of snacks (like canned vegetables, random condiment packets from free lunches, expired yogurts that people don't want or would otherwise be thrown away, a piece of fruit, some nuts, frozen berries that I can't even be bothered to thaw before eating) until I don't feel that hungry anymore. Sometimes I am very bad at gauging how hungry my body actually feels, and so even if I've eaten and I don't feel hungry, if I cognitively think to myself, "that wasn't that much food, I could eat more just to have eaten more," I will compulsively eat more. Some days I can be a little more calculating about my food, but my main issue now is that I just don't reliably eat real meals, I'm hungry but have no appetite but then also feel compelled to eat compulsively and hoard food that I don't even like or have a taste for... does this even make sense?
I know resources that support cooking for one, but when I do that, I cook 3-4 portions to theoretically save for later, but cannot maintain the food in my fridge. Instead, I eat about one portion and then waste/throw out/pick at/chew and spit out the remainder of the food. I don't really know why I do this. Is there a term to describe this?
Other things: Lately, my apartment has been really messy and I just don't feel motivated enough to organize it. I leave dishes undone until I have to use them, etc. I'm not good at spending money (I am painfully cheap and this is a huge mental stress on me; I waste food but of note, it isn't food that I've purchased per se). I am not good at reliably going to the doctor because sometimes I worry that it will cost too much, and that my health issues aren't really worth looking into because I'm probably fine, being young and generally well, and I feel guilty about that. I am not currently under financial strain, but I think this is leftover from childhood poverty. I wasn't abused growing up, but parts of me still relate strongly to descriptions of people who were abused.
I generally feel incredibly fortunate to have everything I do, and I have good friends, am involved in the community, and am high functioning (elite undergrad and med school, doing well) my existence kind of sucks. I'm in a long-distance relationship and I haven't had any physical contact for over six months, and I just want to snuggle, dammit. I will see my significant other in a few weeks, so I am really looking forward to that.
Otherwise, I have a bunch of hobbies that I'm excited about, I am happy, my sleep and energy are good, and I don't think that I'd necessarily meet criteria for major depression. I am in therapy and that is somewhat helpful, although I also feel that therapy is mostly for well-off white people, and I don't fully relate, because... yeah, maybe the way I grew up was suboptimal, but it was surely better than 99.999% of the possible lives I could've otherwise led given my family circumstances.
What do I need to do? I feel like my issues are at least not functionally impairing me but I also don't think that this is normal or healthy. I don't like it, and I don't know what to do. I don't think my behaviors fall neatly into any specific diagnosis. I tried bringing this up to my therapist but the modality of treatment isn't behavior-oriented so I did not actually get to talk about my behaviors. I also cannot change my living situation for another 9 months.
If your eating habits are unusual, it's possible that you're not getting enough B12, omega 3s, and zinc, all of which would make anxiety and depression worse. (I was just talking to my psychiatrist about this today.)
Could you consider taking a B12 supplement, fish oil, and a zinc supplement and see if that helps?
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 1:14 AM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
Could you consider taking a B12 supplement, fish oil, and a zinc supplement and see if that helps?
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 1:14 AM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think it would be helpful if you had a therapist with whom you can bring this stuff up. Whether you go to someone additionally or switch is up to you, but I wonder if poverty in your youth is having a stronger effect on your present than you think it does.
posted by rhizome at 1:20 AM on August 11, 2016
posted by rhizome at 1:20 AM on August 11, 2016
I think it's okay to decide that some of these things aren't problems--that they're adaptive behaviors you adopted because you needed them, sometimes still do, and also have retained some as vestigial. If your life is working okay and a given thing seems like a "problem" because of what others think or say--there's shame around it for you--it might actually be possible to decide it doesn't matter much. We all do weird things. Lots of people who feel totally average have a weird thing or two. If a weird behavior helped you survive abuse, it's not a pathology. It's ok.
I'm not discounting your desire to change, and some of this stuff sounds like it IS a problem! I'm simply suggesting that you get to choose which things are problems--to solve some of them by accepting them.
posted by listen, lady at 4:03 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm not discounting your desire to change, and some of this stuff sounds like it IS a problem! I'm simply suggesting that you get to choose which things are problems--to solve some of them by accepting them.
posted by listen, lady at 4:03 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
I tried bringing this up to my therapist but the modality of treatment isn't behavior-oriented so I did not actually get to talk about my behaviors.
I'm a therapist and I work in a mix of modalities, some of them behavioral and some not, and this statement doesn't make any clinical sense to me. Even if a therapist is focusing more on emotions or insight, they'd still be able to discuss behaviors; they'd just focus the discussion on the underlying causes (with the goal of working through them so that the behaviors change), rather than focusing exclusively on behavioral goals. What you describe is something you should be able to talk about with a therapist, and I'd be concerned if my own therapist couldn't or wouldn't help me with such issues.
I also understand that sometimes a client bringing up a new issue when a client and therapist are focusing on something else can mean that the new issue needs to wait for a bit so that the existing issue can be the focus, so I'm not saying this is some sort of automatic bad sign about your therapist, but this is something you should be able to talk to a therapist about.
A lot of the behaviors you describe are often associated with anxiety disorders. Even if your behaviors are not severe enough to merit a full-on diagnosis, a mental-health professional (psychiatrist, therapist) who deals with anxiety and/or eating disorders would likely be helpful.
posted by lazuli at 10:59 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm a therapist and I work in a mix of modalities, some of them behavioral and some not, and this statement doesn't make any clinical sense to me. Even if a therapist is focusing more on emotions or insight, they'd still be able to discuss behaviors; they'd just focus the discussion on the underlying causes (with the goal of working through them so that the behaviors change), rather than focusing exclusively on behavioral goals. What you describe is something you should be able to talk about with a therapist, and I'd be concerned if my own therapist couldn't or wouldn't help me with such issues.
I also understand that sometimes a client bringing up a new issue when a client and therapist are focusing on something else can mean that the new issue needs to wait for a bit so that the existing issue can be the focus, so I'm not saying this is some sort of automatic bad sign about your therapist, but this is something you should be able to talk to a therapist about.
A lot of the behaviors you describe are often associated with anxiety disorders. Even if your behaviors are not severe enough to merit a full-on diagnosis, a mental-health professional (psychiatrist, therapist) who deals with anxiety and/or eating disorders would likely be helpful.
posted by lazuli at 10:59 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
If your therapist isn't interested in addressing disordered eating behaviors (even if it's not an "eating disorder" per se) and other coping strategies that you'd like to change, then I don't think you're working with the right therapist.
posted by drlith at 1:40 PM on August 11, 2016
posted by drlith at 1:40 PM on August 11, 2016
This question and your issues are far too complex for anyone on the internet to even begin adequately addressing them
You get professional help. If the help you're getting now isn't working, you keep looking until you can find someone who can help you. That is the best advice anyone could possibly give here.
posted by Amy93 at 3:32 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
You get professional help. If the help you're getting now isn't working, you keep looking until you can find someone who can help you. That is the best advice anyone could possibly give here.
posted by Amy93 at 3:32 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
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If you are willing and able to stay in therapy and to make changes: print your post out and ask your therapist to read it. If their response does not seem helpful to you, then consider changing changing therapists.
You do not need a diagnosis nor to establish the percentile of the optimality of your upbringing, in order to make changes.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 11:53 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]