Disclosing mental illness in a new relationship
August 3, 2016 2:08 PM Subscribe
I am mentally ill and dating someone new. When do you disclose mental illness in a new relationship and how do you do it?
I am a woman in my mid-20s who has had varying diagnoses of depression, generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. Things got out of control for me a year ago, but I am now on a good medication combo and am doing very well right. Even at my worst I was still very functional (i.e. I was miserable and acted batshit crazy while alone, but still went to work and acted fairly normal around other people). I was in a relationship when my mental health stuff began, which ended for unrelated reasons.
I would consider myself and my behaviour very normal right now, but mental illness still affects my life. I do still get visibly anxious sometimes, sometimes for no reason at all. My big thing is just that I have to make an effort not to overcommit myself and keep my stress levels low, so I don't keep as busy a social calendar as many people my age. And I take three daily medications.
I am seeing someone new which has been going pretty well (just had the exclusivity talk after a couple weeks). I'm not sure when to drop the mental illness bomb and how to do it. I don't want to scare the poor guy off but I also don't want to turn it into a big secret.
I am a woman in my mid-20s who has had varying diagnoses of depression, generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. Things got out of control for me a year ago, but I am now on a good medication combo and am doing very well right. Even at my worst I was still very functional (i.e. I was miserable and acted batshit crazy while alone, but still went to work and acted fairly normal around other people). I was in a relationship when my mental health stuff began, which ended for unrelated reasons.
I would consider myself and my behaviour very normal right now, but mental illness still affects my life. I do still get visibly anxious sometimes, sometimes for no reason at all. My big thing is just that I have to make an effort not to overcommit myself and keep my stress levels low, so I don't keep as busy a social calendar as many people my age. And I take three daily medications.
I am seeing someone new which has been going pretty well (just had the exclusivity talk after a couple weeks). I'm not sure when to drop the mental illness bomb and how to do it. I don't want to scare the poor guy off but I also don't want to turn it into a big secret.
He knows you, and he knows how you behave. Even if he would never put into words "my girlfriend has struggled with depression and anxiety" he probably is aware that you're not always 100% easy-breezy, which is to say, human. He probably even knows that you had some rough times a year ago. The point for your relationship isn't that you are mentally ill, as if that's a secret you haven't told him - if your current level of anxiety bothered him he'd already have said something. The point is that the person he knows and likes is a person who is actively managing a mental illness and he should be aware of how your work at managing things will affect your relationship. Namely, things like your preferred social calendar, any particular anxiety causes, and any clear signs of anxiety that should signal him that you need his help/understanding.
If you treat the subject like you are mentally ill and it's a shameful confession and you could relapse at any moment and be whisked off to inpatient care, then yes he might be freaked out. I'd address it as history, a series of events that taught you about this aspect of yourself, and talk about what you learned and what it means for you on a day-to-day basis.
posted by aimedwander at 2:24 PM on August 3, 2016 [10 favorites]
If you treat the subject like you are mentally ill and it's a shameful confession and you could relapse at any moment and be whisked off to inpatient care, then yes he might be freaked out. I'd address it as history, a series of events that taught you about this aspect of yourself, and talk about what you learned and what it means for you on a day-to-day basis.
posted by aimedwander at 2:24 PM on August 3, 2016 [10 favorites]
Also: you don't have to (and, honestly, shouldn't) go all first-day-of-therapy Full Disclosure when you have this conversation. It can be as simple as "hey, I had some issues, they're under control at the moment, but they're a part of my life and they may flare up occasionally." The nitty-gritty you can save for the actual relationship.
It helps me to consider my own issues the way I consider my gastrointestinal issues: they're an annoying part of my life that makes things difficult, but I have both medication and a set of habits I developed to keep it under control most of the time. At the point of disclosure early in a relationship, no one needs to know what I ate the first time my stomach did something awful, or what repercussions it had on my life. That stuff can come later, if it needs to.
posted by griphus at 2:30 PM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
It helps me to consider my own issues the way I consider my gastrointestinal issues: they're an annoying part of my life that makes things difficult, but I have both medication and a set of habits I developed to keep it under control most of the time. At the point of disclosure early in a relationship, no one needs to know what I ate the first time my stomach did something awful, or what repercussions it had on my life. That stuff can come later, if it needs to.
posted by griphus at 2:30 PM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
The important thing is how your mental health is going to affect your sweetie. That can be "I forgot my pills, I can't stay over" or "I limit my social calendar" or "I'm anxious because x, it's nothing you did". It should just come out pretty naturally as you spend time together, in more depth as you get closer / something happens and your dude needs to know.
Ditto for the past - I don't tell anyone the nitty-gritty of my depression, but most of my friends know I was depressed and am on anti-depressants (I sometimes mention the drugs when it comes up because I limit alcohol intake due to possible interactions), close friends hear when I feel "low" for a while.
posted by momus_window at 3:15 PM on August 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
Ditto for the past - I don't tell anyone the nitty-gritty of my depression, but most of my friends know I was depressed and am on anti-depressants (I sometimes mention the drugs when it comes up because I limit alcohol intake due to possible interactions), close friends hear when I feel "low" for a while.
posted by momus_window at 3:15 PM on August 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
First, stop thinking of it as a "bomb." Second, watch a whole lot of romantic comedies, starting with Shrek. They universally seem to have drama surrounding a "secret." In the vast majority of cases, it isn't a secret at all. It is just info the other person did not yet know because they had only just met.
Since you remained functional, I see no reason to make a big deal of this. As things come up naturally, give brief explanations:
"Time for my meds." "Oh, what kind of meds?" "I am on an antidepressant." (Or whatever)
You should work more on how to tell them than on when. There does not need to be a big reveal. It can come out little by little.
posted by Michele in California at 6:08 PM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Since you remained functional, I see no reason to make a big deal of this. As things come up naturally, give brief explanations:
"Time for my meds." "Oh, what kind of meds?" "I am on an antidepressant." (Or whatever)
You should work more on how to tell them than on when. There does not need to be a big reveal. It can come out little by little.
posted by Michele in California at 6:08 PM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
>>"Time for my meds." "Oh, what kind of meds?" "I am on an antidepressant."
I agree that it's not a bomb, but I would not disclose it this way.
posted by falsedmitri at 6:19 PM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree that it's not a bomb, but I would not disclose it this way.
posted by falsedmitri at 6:19 PM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
One in 5 people will have a mental illness at some point in their lives. Please, please stop thinking of yourself as being damaged or dropping a bomb.
Mental Illness is just a change in mood, thoughts or behaviour that can cause significant distress and impaired functioning. You're not a pariah and there's nothing "wrong" with you. When you can function well, awesome. When you can't, it sounds like you know what to do (i.e. get help, work on treatment, take care of yourself).
You tell your partner whenever and however you want. If they're not human garbage, they will understand how obscenely NORMAL mental illness is.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:28 AM on August 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Mental Illness is just a change in mood, thoughts or behaviour that can cause significant distress and impaired functioning. You're not a pariah and there's nothing "wrong" with you. When you can function well, awesome. When you can't, it sounds like you know what to do (i.e. get help, work on treatment, take care of yourself).
You tell your partner whenever and however you want. If they're not human garbage, they will understand how obscenely NORMAL mental illness is.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:28 AM on August 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
« Older Is it better for a fitted baseball hat to be too... | Positive outcomes for kids when there's sexual... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by griphus at 2:24 PM on August 3, 2016 [17 favorites]