How to accept an apology graciously while conveying loss of respect?

August 1, 2016 7:18 AM

My sister-in-law is visiting from out of town and said a lot of very offensive things to me the other day. Last night my wife confronted her about it and made her realize her error. I imagine she might apologize to me today before flying home tonight.

We all have a busy schedule today so there's no time to properly clear the air, so how do I succinctly respond to her apology with grace while somehow conveying that I lost some respect for her? Or is that a contradiction? I don't want to come off petty. I was thinking of a response like "Oh that's alright, we all say stupid things."

Background: consensus between me, my wife, my other sister-in-law and her husband is that said sis-in-law is an extremely self-centred, uncaring person. Always has been, always will be. Only cares about what is thought of her due to a need to maintain an image, not out of care for other people.

posted by wutangclan to Human Relations (22 answers total)

"Thank you, have a safe trip home." The end.
posted by something something at 7:23 AM on August 1, 2016 [59 favorites]

Even more explicit: "Thank you for apologizing" is about as icy as one can be while still acknowledging the apology, if that's the goal. Not sure if that's grace or not, but it certainly makes clear that you thought she needed to apologize. "Apology accepted" is up there too. Steer away from the reflexive "That's ok" and you're fine.
posted by supercres at 7:26 AM on August 1, 2016 [31 favorites]

I've been in your position with my own sister....many, many times. I suggest that you tell the truth by saying, "when you said those things, I felt _________ and _________. I wouldn't speak to you that way. Please treat me as you would like to be treated." If she has any shame, that's pretty much all you can do to make her regret her remarks.

If you just "convey a loss of respect," it can't help anything. The satisfaction you might feel will fade quickly, because you know your sister isn't going to change and her offensive words and actions will probably continue for the rest of her life. Consider whether you might feel better about yourself in the long run if you take the high road with her and treat her politely.
posted by wryly at 7:31 AM on August 1, 2016 [12 favorites]

The best way to convey a loss of respect is to be as polite as possible without being warm. To that end, "Thank you for apologizing" with no further discussion, as supercres suggests, is clear enough without going down to her level.
posted by winna at 7:33 AM on August 1, 2016 [6 favorites]

Unfortunately, there isn't really a good way to do this. You can't be gracious and also subtly make sure you communicate that you don't really mean it.

I think the best you can hope for is one of two options:
- be superficially gracious, with a subtle dig - might be satisfying, but not really gracious.
- accept the apology and be honest about why you think that the things she said were more than just passingly offensive. Like "thank you for your apology. It is really important to me that you don't talk about me or similarly situated people that way. [For Reasons]
posted by mercredi at 7:33 AM on August 1, 2016 [18 favorites]

Don't tell her it's alright if it's not. "Okay, thank you," is enough to acknowledge she apologized.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:35 AM on August 1, 2016 [9 favorites]

I'm going to invite you to reframe this entire situation. Join me?

Happy People Don't Do Bad Things.

Your one sister-in-law sounds like an unhappy person. Yet I have to wonder why there are four adults gossiping about her behind her back. Assume your unhappy SIL can feel the vibes from the rest of you and feels shunned or attacked in some way, even if she's not insightful enough to vocalize this.

You can acknowledge her apology without really accepting it (ex: Yes, what you said was hurtful. Thank you for realizing it) but you can't accept her apology and be mean or haughty or snarky. The idea is to remove the resentment from both your lives, not leave her with a bad taste in her mouth. Remember, she already senses you guys all get along better with each other than you do with her. If she could get along better, she would. She may be selfish, but that's not something being mean today will help her discover or grow out of.

I think you can be honest (I'm still too angry to consider your apology, but I appreciate that you acknowledge what you did/said was hurtful) and leave it at that. But no, please don't try to get a final dig in. If you guys respected her, she wouldn't feel left out, she would not have picked on you in the first place.

It sounds like it was a difficult family get together for everyone. Be kind towards your future selves and be gracious all around. Do this for yourself, for anyone else that is effected by these events and bad feelings.

Just remember she must be hurting to do what she did. Try not to make things worse. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 7:38 AM on August 1, 2016 [73 favorites]

When someone apologizes for something stupid, generally the expected response is something that salves their hurt pride at being called out, in the vein of "oh that's ok" or "don't worry about it" because generally that's how we're conditioned to accept apologies. Be gracious, deescalate the situation, etc.

Deny her that.

"Thank you" or "thank you for apologizing," simple and without any cushioning fluff, are both great responses that get that done.

When you don't get the effusive acceptance of your apology you expect, it stings your ego. Take this from someone who's had to apologize for a lot of dumb things.
posted by phunniemee at 7:43 AM on August 1, 2016 [7 favorites]

If you're trying to do anything other than accept an apology, you're not really accepting the apology. It's like giving an apology that's worded so that you don't actually say you're sorry. Saying, "Thank you," is enough.
posted by xingcat at 7:44 AM on August 1, 2016 [7 favorites]

I think I know what you mean by "We all say stupid things," but if SIL self-centered, she's probably not going to pickup on the subtext. That's not necessarily a bad thing, since if she's not the kind of person who would learn and grow from this, then she'll either ignore the subtext anyways or be insulted, and that doesn't really sound like what you want right now either.

It sounds like you want to acknowledge her apology, but you also want to be sure it's not just being brushed off. If that's the case don't say "we all make mistakes" or that "it was nothing." Go ahead and say "I was very hurt by what you said." Then you can say "Thank you for realizing that/apologizing" or whatever acknowledgement feels right to you.
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:45 AM on August 1, 2016 [2 favorites]

You can't respond with grace & show lack of respect the two are mutually exclusive. Do you want to be the adult or make a final dig at her the choice is yours and may well effect your relationship with not only her but may have repercussions with the sibling she's married to.

Why not tell the truth. Something like Thank you for your apology. I appreciate you taking the effort to apologize, I was really offended by what you said & I am hoping going forward that we can work on our communication so I can regain the respect I once had for you. As I think that's important as we're all family.

One upmanship & snarky comments while feeling great at the time are not how you gracefully accept something & never make a situation better in the long term.

If you are happy to burn bridges then the. "Thank you for your apology." is a great subtle dig. Or my estranged brothers. "It's good that you know enough about manners to apologize if nothing else." Which was pretty much the last thing I've let him say to me for the past 2 years.
posted by wwax at 7:47 AM on August 1, 2016 [7 favorites]

I think one way to think about this is to acknowledge and praise the good behavior while not excusing the bad behavior. So, "Thank you for apologizing" or "I appreciate the apology" seems about right. I would encourage you to rise above the desire to get her back; don't be a push over (i.e. don't say, "That's OK." or even "We all do stupid things."*), but also be magnanimous in acknowledging that she's doing something reasonable (even if she's doing it for the wrong reasons.)

*I think that saying "We all do stupid things." normalizes her behavior and, at some level, suggests that it's an OK thing for her to do in the future because we all do it.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:01 AM on August 1, 2016 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I think I will say "Thanks, I appreciate your apology" and leave it at that.
posted by wutangclan at 8:13 AM on August 1, 2016 [28 favorites]

My first reaction to this was to wonder what would be accomplished by "conveying loss of respect". I kept thinking about it, though, and I think there is something to accomplish.

There are people in the world who genuinely do not know that their words have a strong effect on others. Especially if you grow up in a way (at home, at school, due to parental or educational philosophies, due to lack of time and attention) that means your words aren't taken very seriously, you might not learn to weigh your words, or to stifle your anger or disdain when speaking it is a bit of a relief.

Even people telling you "your words have an effect" or "words can hurt" or "what you say has an effect" may not have much impact, because people have been saying these things _around_ you all your life. You've seen and heard them acted out, but they don't really resonate because they don't seem to apply to your own life.

A genuine reaction of anger may have something of an impact, but if you have been living your life this way, chances are that people just get angry at you occasionally and, while you sort of understand it, you won't really "get" it. You have enough social skills to carry on, to apologize, to recognize that people are upset, but you don't really understand that there's an underlying reason, or that you could possibly do anything about it.

There are such things as physiologically-based personality differences (see: the Russian study of arctic foxes, lots of contemporary psychology studies involving physiology), so people will probably always have different tendencies. Even babies are different from one another, though they are universally nurturable. This person started out as an adorable baby full of potential! However, it takes a lot of different steps and people and time and resources to nurture a cute baby into a fully-realized modern human as such are commonly understood, particularly in this medium.

That's not to say that you should tolerate someone who is actively hurting you, or who is probably hurting others; and words and ideas do hurt. But if you have the ability and mental fortitude, especially in a critical moment, to help that someone -- and it's a big if, and that extraordinary ability and mental fortitude are not easy to come by -- then I believe you should.

In this case, help might be something like being just a little bit harsh, showing your hurt just a little bit more than you might usually, so that the message "your words have a real effect" might resonate just a little bit more. Maybe you can find a fresh way to show her that what she's done is hurtful. Be sincere if you can. Be prepared for her to respond with incomprehension, or with not seeming to recognize your hurt, or with acting childish. However, there's a chance that your words or actions or the expression on your face or a small gesture you make -- something involuntary, that comes out because you were being sincere and not trying "too hard" to teach her, but rather to let her see the truth on her own -- will come back to her later, when she has time alone to reflect. It's when people are alone and can think for themselves, I believe, that real change can happen.

While there is no certainty that you will make an impact this way, there is also no certainty that you will make an impact any other way.
posted by amtho at 10:44 AM on August 1, 2016 [3 favorites]

"Have a safe trip".
End of story. Thank you for what? If this is the first time she has done so, you can give her the benefit of doubt but don't go overboard. Observe to see if this happens again.
posted by metajim at 10:52 AM on August 1, 2016

It sounds like you've kind of written her off. You never liked her anyway, and so you don't want to lose point by rejecting her apology, you don't want to risk her thinking you actually like her. If that's what you want to convey, fine, but in my book, that's a loss. If she's offering to talk about these things and improve the chance that she'll be a decent person in your future dealings, take her up on it. "Thanks for noticing that you'd hurt my feelings. I appreciate that you and Sis took the time to talk about it. Today was really hectic and we didn't have much time to address it, and that's fine, it's enough to know that you noticed the problem. But any time you'd like to talk more, I'd be up for that." Note that you're not telling her it's okay, in fact you're telling her it's very much not okay and this will be ongoing - but you're being nothing but kind, supportive, and appreciative... while demanding that she fix it and putting her on notice that she should very much not be saying that again.
posted by aimedwander at 11:02 AM on August 1, 2016 [3 favorites]

Your last seven words say it all: "not out of care for other people".

The best solution is for you to step away from needing her to understand that you're hurt (she doesn't care) or that you've lost respect (she doesn't care). Don't provide the other side of the conflict; disengage. Don't aim for snark. Don't hope she'll understand your message (she doesn't care) and turn into a concerned person (she doesn't care). Just do what you need to do to keep yourself sane but disengaged, and move on.

That is why "thanks, safe travels" is a good response.
posted by Dashy at 1:13 PM on August 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

You want to get an upper hand with her, I sense. I would say something like "Thanks for apologizing. I imagine DW talked to you about how hurt and offended I was by what you said. I was trying not to make a big deal about it at the time, because you have been a guest in our home. Next time I'll speak up if you say something like that, and then we can clear the air more quickly. I know you don't want to disrespect me like that again, and I appreciate you saying so."
posted by tk at 2:28 PM on August 1, 2016 [2 favorites]

"I accept that you have apologized -- goodbye."
posted by lathrop at 6:44 PM on August 1, 2016

While starting my work on psychiatric wards, I was once advised "Assume that people are simply doing the best they can do at any given time with the skills they have." Even if the behavior (or words) were clearly intended to hurt and did, the ultimate motivation may lie deeper in a flaw or illness or lack of capacity.

While I think this attitude is absolutely critical to take with involuntarily held psychiatric patients, I've found it's also a useful mantra for everyday life.

The flip side is that it helps me imagine that my friends and loved ones might excuse my failings, too.
posted by soylent00FF00 at 6:51 PM on August 1, 2016 [7 favorites]

Do you want to educate her into being a better person by carefully wording your acceptance so it stings? Or do you just want to hurt her back?

You say you don't want to be petty but you do want to temper the apology acceptance with a conveying of your diminished respect for her. To lose respect for her after she hurt your feelings is not petty. To convey it when she is trying to apologise, no matter how insincere you believe her to be, absolutely is.

"Thank you. Have a safe trip!" is perfect. The apology is a social lubrication, hopefully drawing a line under the sorry event. Don't use it to extend the event into a simmering feud! If you want her to know you now have diminished respect for her and you expect her to care about that (even though you have stated she doesn't care about such things) then this is not the time to express it.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 5:22 AM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Update: she skipped down without apologizing at all! Well I guess that solves one problem...
posted by wutangclan at 8:29 AM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]