How can I make my dating profile more reflective of who I really am?
July 29, 2016 12:32 PM   Subscribe

I'm getting back into dating but my OKCupid profile belongs to an insecure child. How do I update my profile to reflect the growth I’ve experienced in the last five years?

The Responsible Hedonist came up in another thread and I was reminded of my own grotesqueries in my mid 20s. I've grown a lot since then, but there's still a lot of that baggage on my current OKCupid profile, even after AskMe-assisted revisions in 2012 and 2013.

things I have learned since my previous questions
  • "I'm into stuff that's pretty out there" -- lol nope, I just lacked imagination
  • soliciting casual sex on OKCupid -- turns out I don't actually want this
  • there are plenty of hipstery poly people out there, I am not unusual
  • my queerness is debatable -- I'm not that into most cis dudes
things that have changed in five years
  • I'm in a stable, open relationship
  • I went through therapy and I'm less creepy now
  • I have a social life outside of OKCupid
  • I didn't exactly make "internet billions", but I have a career that I like
  • I've toned down a lot of my affectations
  • I don't really identify as a musician anymore
  • straight people are all on Tinder now, OKCupid (in NYC) is largely poly & queer people
relationship goals
  • low intensity dating, like less than once a week -- not "casual", but not a partner
  • maybe someone who already has a primary partner
  • very cautiously investigating more serious poly stuff
profile goals
  • reflect who I am, not what my tastes are
  • vulnerable instead of jokey
  • "woke" in a less performative way
  • more about ideas, less about products
  • talk about some of my hobbies -- I give talks about computer stuff and do a podcast about karaoke theory -- in a way that honestly conveys my excitement
  • I'm still pretty good with fancy drinks / breakfasts, but I don't need to center my identity around that
posted by modernserf to Human Relations (10 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: I give talks about computer stuff and do a podcast about karaoke theory

I would replace literally everything in the "spend my time thinking about" section with an honest, non-self-deprecating description of that. The stuff that's in there right now is borderline-performative-wokeness/"I'm Not Creepy" virtue signalling (i hate that term but I don't have a better one) and doesn't really give any information about who you are, just who you're not. Every dude on OKC is a dude you're not - the important thing on your profile is to show the dude you are.

I'd also take out the stuff about not having time for books/movies in the "favorites" section because it's one of those "I like to laugh!" things where, like, none of us have enough time to absorb and consume all the media we want to. Maybe talk a bit more about Pattern Language? I know the Dream Scenario is to have someone stumble onto there being like "holy shit I also love Pattern Language!" but a lot of people will have no idea what it is or why it means so much to you, and if it does mean a lot to you, that's a great thing to talk about in a dating profile.
posted by griphus at 1:40 PM on July 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Honestly, a lot of what you say here could go straight into an OKC profile, i.e. "I don't exactly make 'internet billions,' but I have a career that I like [doing XYZ]." You can also write about how you have been changing as a person, much like you do here. I think change is attractive and people mellowing out is a nice thing to see.

What about sitting down with the questions and starting over? What would you write if you encountered those questions for the first time today? Then you can go back to the old one and grab anything that still seems salient...
posted by hungrytiger at 1:44 PM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]


Also a good non-performative way to signal being conscious of social justice, is by naming books/art/etc. by people who aren't white dudes and/or are also conscious of social justice. Actually having read Ta-Nehisi Coates and Roxanne Gay and stating so will do a lot better job of telling people you're open to these ideas than just saying "I'm no brogrammer!" Anyone can say stuff like that; many fewer people actually take time out of their day to read and listen to the ideas of admirable people in progressive social politics.
posted by griphus at 1:51 PM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]


I actually think your profile is really cool. Maybe add some clearer pictures of yourself. I like that your profile is unapologetically passionate and weird, but not in a "holds up spork" way, while also being a little self-deprecating which is attractive. Good luck !
posted by pintapicasso at 2:11 PM on July 29, 2016


Yep, just start over from scratch, with a whole new account if you've answered a lot of questions. Say what you said here, except for the stuff about your past self. People will care about how you've grown, but not until after they know who you are now.
posted by momus_window at 3:32 PM on July 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


yeah I just peeked at your profile and I think it sounds fine! particularly into the huevos rancheros recipe because I thought it was fun, if not a little over explained.

you're right that there are a lot of hipster poly people out there, but I would make it clear what you're looking for because there are various degrees as you are aware.
posted by kerning at 3:42 PM on July 29, 2016


I think it probably reveals a fair bit about you, and could attract people from the demographic you're looking for. However, to me your profile reads a a bit self-satisfied/smug...maybe a little bit elitist? Also, starting your very first sentence with talking about having a full plate immediately makes me wonder why exactly you're looking, and would make me think dating isn't a priority for you. Also I would take out the part about being an oversharer.
posted by bookworm4125 at 5:38 PM on July 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


I think it's a brilliant and funny profile.
posted by stevedawg at 12:40 AM on July 30, 2016


Everyone likes different things, but to me it comes across as cocky and doesn't tell me much about who you are/ how you think. The Pattern Language reference was the only thing that gave me a glimpse into that.

The "full plate" line contributes to this. Also, you should be upfront about your current relationship situation and interests, so people who aren't into that don't waste your and their time.

The recipe to me is "trying too hard to subvert the form."
posted by metasarah at 7:23 AM on July 30, 2016 [3 favorites]


Lose the bow tie. It makes me think your two primary interests are public radio and the idea of yourself.
posted by randomname25 at 3:47 PM on July 31, 2016


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