A man, a girlfriend, and an ex (or two): now what?
July 28, 2016 5:46 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend is driving six hours to spend the night at an ex's place. I don't know what to do from here. More inside.
He dated her for two years in college. They broke up three years ago. They were friends before and have remained friends since, but this is their first time seeing each other since the breakup.
Originally, she was supposed to come here and spend two nights on the futon in his studio. I was upset, we talked, and he agreed to get a hotel for her. When I found out it was two nights, I got upset again, and he agreed to ask her only to stay one. It was frustrating; he completely lacked any understanding of why I was upset. He insisted they were just friends and it would be fine if he did this; nothing would happen. But he did make other arrangements. Fine.
... Until now. She's having car trouble, so now he's driving to see her. It will be one overnight, but he wants to stay with her. His justification is that she rents a room from an older couple in a big house, so it's different than her staying in his studio. He said it's fine because he's not in her room and there are other people around. I said he's still at her place and he insisted that it's not like that because it belongs to this older couple. He said he'd look into a hotel but he doesn't like the city he'll be in and if he can't find anything staying with her will be fine.
And I'm upset all over again. I'm also upset because he says it's really not as simple as her being his ex; they are just friends, so he thinks it's a "gray area". He continued to insist that nothing would happen.
Now, on the "ex (or two)" comment: we went camping earlier this week and we went to the concert. After we went camping, he told me the weekend was hard for him at times because the last time he camped was with his most recent ex (different girl). He then ranted about their relationship to me, saying he was still mad at her, and then later he said that he basically never got a chance to say his piece to her. I think this is wildly inappropriate. He later apologized, saying he shouldn't have brought it up.
I'm... tired. I don't know how to feel about all of this. I don't know if my feelings are rational. I've already talked to him; I've clearly made my feelings known. But I'm still tired. How much stress is reasonable in a relationship? He completely fails to understand why I'm having a hard time. He seems to think I should be entirely fine with this new arrangement of him staying at her place. But I'm not. And then you add on his comments about his most recent ex... and I'm just tired. Why are these women playing such an active role in my relationship?
I really, really like this guy. I see a future with him and he sees a future with me. We talk about how we think the relationship has long term potential. He is incredibly kind and funny and smart and we have so much in common it's almost eerie.
How would you feel? I know relationships are work... but how much work should they be? This doesn't feel easy anymore. It's also hard because he's depressed, and lately his meds haven't been working so well. He told me this in the middle of our conversation last night, which felt mildly manipulative, but anyway.
I was planning on just getting through this and letting the dust settle and seeing where we're at. I don't want a relationship that's hard and stressful. If things like this keep coming up, I can't handle that. But I don't know. It's my first serious relationship and I'm really not sure how to navigate this.
What would you do?
He dated her for two years in college. They broke up three years ago. They were friends before and have remained friends since, but this is their first time seeing each other since the breakup.
Originally, she was supposed to come here and spend two nights on the futon in his studio. I was upset, we talked, and he agreed to get a hotel for her. When I found out it was two nights, I got upset again, and he agreed to ask her only to stay one. It was frustrating; he completely lacked any understanding of why I was upset. He insisted they were just friends and it would be fine if he did this; nothing would happen. But he did make other arrangements. Fine.
... Until now. She's having car trouble, so now he's driving to see her. It will be one overnight, but he wants to stay with her. His justification is that she rents a room from an older couple in a big house, so it's different than her staying in his studio. He said it's fine because he's not in her room and there are other people around. I said he's still at her place and he insisted that it's not like that because it belongs to this older couple. He said he'd look into a hotel but he doesn't like the city he'll be in and if he can't find anything staying with her will be fine.
And I'm upset all over again. I'm also upset because he says it's really not as simple as her being his ex; they are just friends, so he thinks it's a "gray area". He continued to insist that nothing would happen.
Now, on the "ex (or two)" comment: we went camping earlier this week and we went to the concert. After we went camping, he told me the weekend was hard for him at times because the last time he camped was with his most recent ex (different girl). He then ranted about their relationship to me, saying he was still mad at her, and then later he said that he basically never got a chance to say his piece to her. I think this is wildly inappropriate. He later apologized, saying he shouldn't have brought it up.
I'm... tired. I don't know how to feel about all of this. I don't know if my feelings are rational. I've already talked to him; I've clearly made my feelings known. But I'm still tired. How much stress is reasonable in a relationship? He completely fails to understand why I'm having a hard time. He seems to think I should be entirely fine with this new arrangement of him staying at her place. But I'm not. And then you add on his comments about his most recent ex... and I'm just tired. Why are these women playing such an active role in my relationship?
I really, really like this guy. I see a future with him and he sees a future with me. We talk about how we think the relationship has long term potential. He is incredibly kind and funny and smart and we have so much in common it's almost eerie.
How would you feel? I know relationships are work... but how much work should they be? This doesn't feel easy anymore. It's also hard because he's depressed, and lately his meds haven't been working so well. He told me this in the middle of our conversation last night, which felt mildly manipulative, but anyway.
I was planning on just getting through this and letting the dust settle and seeing where we're at. I don't want a relationship that's hard and stressful. If things like this keep coming up, I can't handle that. But I don't know. It's my first serious relationship and I'm really not sure how to navigate this.
What would you do?
This (a boyfriend staying overnight at an ex's house, or having her stay with us) would not bother me at all. I think it's a little bit strange that it bothers you quite this much. It sounds like he is definitely over her, or he wouldn't feel so mad at the more recent ex.
BUT it's irrelevant how I would feel. You feel uncomfortable with the situation and it is a bit of a red flag that he is completely unwilling to see your side. Even if your thinking is alien to him, he should care that these plans hurt and worry you, and he should (in my opinion) not want to go ahead with them on that basis. Unless there's something you are leaving out here about why it is so important for him to visit. If it's just a social call, your feelings should take precedence.
As for your other question about it not being "easy" anymore, I think that's kind of normal. Relationships aren't easy all the time. But they shouldn't be hard and stressful all the time either. I'd wait and see if you can move past this together and get back to easy mode in a few weeks before making any big decisions.
posted by lollusc at 5:54 AM on July 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
BUT it's irrelevant how I would feel. You feel uncomfortable with the situation and it is a bit of a red flag that he is completely unwilling to see your side. Even if your thinking is alien to him, he should care that these plans hurt and worry you, and he should (in my opinion) not want to go ahead with them on that basis. Unless there's something you are leaving out here about why it is so important for him to visit. If it's just a social call, your feelings should take precedence.
As for your other question about it not being "easy" anymore, I think that's kind of normal. Relationships aren't easy all the time. But they shouldn't be hard and stressful all the time either. I'd wait and see if you can move past this together and get back to easy mode in a few weeks before making any big decisions.
posted by lollusc at 5:54 AM on July 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
Is this the same guy from the last three relationship questions you asked? He was flaky and hung up on his ex in all of those. Sounds like nothing has changed.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 5:55 AM on July 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 5:55 AM on July 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
Different people have different levels of tolerance for ongoing friendship with exes and talking about prior relationships.
At the end of the day, you feel how you feel. I get why you might be squicked by her crashing at his studio apartment, but not so much about him crashing at her shared out house. I also wouldn't be too put off about a one-off rant about an ex (although I absolutely would be if it were a common thing or if the rant was particularly vicious).
But again: this is about you feel about it, not me and only you can decide if this stuff is a dealbreaker. It sounds you feel very insecure in this relationship. Only you can determine if this is because of how he treats you, something that's going on with you, or some combination of the two.
posted by smirkette at 6:01 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
At the end of the day, you feel how you feel. I get why you might be squicked by her crashing at his studio apartment, but not so much about him crashing at her shared out house. I also wouldn't be too put off about a one-off rant about an ex (although I absolutely would be if it were a common thing or if the rant was particularly vicious).
But again: this is about you feel about it, not me and only you can decide if this stuff is a dealbreaker. It sounds you feel very insecure in this relationship. Only you can determine if this is because of how he treats you, something that's going on with you, or some combination of the two.
posted by smirkette at 6:01 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I feel the same as lollusc (staying with an ex wouldn't bother me, but if it bothers you, that's how you feel and it's perfectly reasonable). For me, though, a real red flag is that he thought it was completely acceptable to discuss his issues about the camping weekend with you. It's ok to have unfinished business with his latest ex; these things take time. But you're not his therapist and you can't reasonably be expected to deal with his issues on this one. I agree with you that this was wildly inappropriate.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like if you stick with him you can expect more of the same.
posted by rubbish bin night at 6:04 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I hate to say it, but it sounds like if you stick with him you can expect more of the same.
posted by rubbish bin night at 6:04 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
If I were dating someone and they were fine with me visiting an ex but did not want me to stay with them, I would view that as a bit excessive - but I'd go along with it, especially if my partner didn't know the ex. If this persisted over years as it became clearer and clearer that we were just friends, it might get frustrating, but for a first time thing, no biggie.
I am uncomfortable with the fact that your boyfriend is so ready to go against your strongly held feelings in this situation. You aren't saying "never see your ex" - you're just saying "you haven't seen this ex in years, I would like it if you didn't sleep near her, especially since you're getting all waffley when we talk about it".
I dunno, this would edge me ever closer to the break-up talk.
posted by Frowner at 6:11 AM on July 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
I am uncomfortable with the fact that your boyfriend is so ready to go against your strongly held feelings in this situation. You aren't saying "never see your ex" - you're just saying "you haven't seen this ex in years, I would like it if you didn't sleep near her, especially since you're getting all waffley when we talk about it".
I dunno, this would edge me ever closer to the break-up talk.
posted by Frowner at 6:11 AM on July 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
You're exhausted, you're questioning your own judgment, your boyfriend is ignoring your clearly-stated requests ... these aren't good signs. I'd also be irritated with the "he says he'll look into a hotel but he doesn't like the city (?) and says it'll be fine if he stays with her" bit - that seems to pretty much flat-out say he's not going to do any serious searching for a hotel room and he doesn't care that to YOU it isn't "fine" that he stays with her. Why even lie about looking?
It doesn't matter what other people think about your feelings about him staying at his ex's - it bothers you, you've spoken to him about it, and he's running roughshod over your requests and feelings. People should take their partner's requests seriously because they're serious to their partner. In a healthy relationship, he'd be putting the strength of that relationship first and working with you to find a compromise you could both agree to - not just do what he wants and leave you to suck it up. He's prioritizing this visit to his ex over you.
I mean, this isn't the type of person I'd want to be with, but if you want to stick with it, this is probably a good time to look into couples counseling.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:14 AM on July 28, 2016 [21 favorites]
It doesn't matter what other people think about your feelings about him staying at his ex's - it bothers you, you've spoken to him about it, and he's running roughshod over your requests and feelings. People should take their partner's requests seriously because they're serious to their partner. In a healthy relationship, he'd be putting the strength of that relationship first and working with you to find a compromise you could both agree to - not just do what he wants and leave you to suck it up. He's prioritizing this visit to his ex over you.
I mean, this isn't the type of person I'd want to be with, but if you want to stick with it, this is probably a good time to look into couples counseling.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:14 AM on July 28, 2016 [21 favorites]
My concern is that you don't seem to trust him. And that worries me. If my husband wanted to visit with an ex, I'd be comfortable because I trust him completely. And he would feel comfortable with me staying with an ex because he trusts me utterly. That's the level of trust one hopes to have in any long term relationship. To believe in your partner. I'm worried you don't believe him. Is it because he has given you cause or because you're paranoid or you feel it's morally improper? Either way, there's a disconnect that doesn't seem to bode well.
I also have to say that in this day and age, spending on accommodation for a night is a true waste of money when someone has a couch they're happy to give up. Unless you're all quite wealthy.
posted by taff at 6:16 AM on July 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
I also have to say that in this day and age, spending on accommodation for a night is a true waste of money when someone has a couch they're happy to give up. Unless you're all quite wealthy.
posted by taff at 6:16 AM on July 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
I've been with my husband for over twenty years and trust him absolutely, completely, and without doubt - and I would find a plan like this so far out of line as to be completely bizarre. It's okay to think it's not okay, and it's a huge red flag to me that he's placing more importance on driving six hours each way to sleep on some other woman's couch for a night than on his partner's emotional well being. You are not being irrational.
posted by something something at 6:19 AM on July 28, 2016 [96 favorites]
posted by something something at 6:19 AM on July 28, 2016 [96 favorites]
I don't want a relationship that's hard and stressful.
Then you don't want this relationship. It's not going to change; *he's* not going to change.
This is your first serious relationship. As with all firsts, it is very, very valuable as a learning experience. What you have learned so far:
- You are not comfortable with a partner who is still hung up on his ex(es).
- Your insecurities/concerns are made worse, not better, when your partner ignores them.
- Emotional manipulation is dirty pool (your instincts are spot-on there, don't ignore them)
So when you move on and are ready to meet someone new, you know what to look for:
- Someone who is all-in with you & not still half in the past.
- Someone who respects you and your feelings.
- Someone who argues/negotiates in good faith.
You're still working hard to make this relationship be the one with the future. But in all likelihood that won't be the case. So make it one that helps you figure out what you want your future to be like.
posted by headnsouth at 6:24 AM on July 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
Then you don't want this relationship. It's not going to change; *he's* not going to change.
This is your first serious relationship. As with all firsts, it is very, very valuable as a learning experience. What you have learned so far:
- You are not comfortable with a partner who is still hung up on his ex(es).
- Your insecurities/concerns are made worse, not better, when your partner ignores them.
- Emotional manipulation is dirty pool (your instincts are spot-on there, don't ignore them)
So when you move on and are ready to meet someone new, you know what to look for:
- Someone who is all-in with you & not still half in the past.
- Someone who respects you and your feelings.
- Someone who argues/negotiates in good faith.
You're still working hard to make this relationship be the one with the future. But in all likelihood that won't be the case. So make it one that helps you figure out what you want your future to be like.
posted by headnsouth at 6:24 AM on July 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
I'm tired
Take a break.
If you live together, ask him to move out for a period (say, minimum two weeks), or move out yourself. When you're tired, and this goes for any kind of tiredness, it's hard to make good decisions, or indeed any decisions. You need space, time, and quiet.
No-one I have ever heard of who took a relationship break has ever regretted it, including me. It gives you clarity and the space to think, and you come out of it either feeling more confident in your doubts, more optimistic about your will to make things work, or with better, clearer questions to ask the other person.
Also, how he behaves if you ask him for a break, during it, and after, will show you a lot about who he is.
posted by greenish at 6:29 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Take a break.
If you live together, ask him to move out for a period (say, minimum two weeks), or move out yourself. When you're tired, and this goes for any kind of tiredness, it's hard to make good decisions, or indeed any decisions. You need space, time, and quiet.
No-one I have ever heard of who took a relationship break has ever regretted it, including me. It gives you clarity and the space to think, and you come out of it either feeling more confident in your doubts, more optimistic about your will to make things work, or with better, clearer questions to ask the other person.
Also, how he behaves if you ask him for a break, during it, and after, will show you a lot about who he is.
posted by greenish at 6:29 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'd leave you, because you have no trust in me, belief in what I say and are attempting to control who spend I time with.
I'm with Brandon but really, it doesn't matter. The two of you are incompatible on a pretty fundamental issue. He has the right to make his own choices, and you have the right to not be able to stick around for them.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:31 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm with Brandon but really, it doesn't matter. The two of you are incompatible on a pretty fundamental issue. He has the right to make his own choices, and you have the right to not be able to stick around for them.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:31 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Oh, for fucks sake. This is not about lack of trust or control. This is about you having boundaries.
Sleeping over is more intimate than not sleeping over. It doesn't matter if there's actual sex - it's intimacy, trust, and allows for more late-into-the-night conversations, when rules and conventions seem unbound from life. It is okay to not want this, even if it's a shared house space. Because these things are never as clear cut as you think.
I have exes who are my friends. Most of my exes are my friends. I have only slept over at the house of one, through necessity, with kid in tow, and it /still/ got weird and I felt uncomfortable.
This guy wants to drive six hours to see an ex. It's a cruel, punishing drive, and you're right to wonder why he wants to make it, and why he was willing to put her up in a hotel here with you, but not put himself in a hotel there.
posted by corb at 6:33 AM on July 28, 2016 [90 favorites]
Sleeping over is more intimate than not sleeping over. It doesn't matter if there's actual sex - it's intimacy, trust, and allows for more late-into-the-night conversations, when rules and conventions seem unbound from life. It is okay to not want this, even if it's a shared house space. Because these things are never as clear cut as you think.
I have exes who are my friends. Most of my exes are my friends. I have only slept over at the house of one, through necessity, with kid in tow, and it /still/ got weird and I felt uncomfortable.
This guy wants to drive six hours to see an ex. It's a cruel, punishing drive, and you're right to wonder why he wants to make it, and why he was willing to put her up in a hotel here with you, but not put himself in a hotel there.
posted by corb at 6:33 AM on July 28, 2016 [90 favorites]
It is very weird that they haven't seen each other in three years and are planning a sleepover weekend as the reunion. This isn't a "can boyfriends visit exes?" question, the specifics make it very strange.
(Also, after lots of discussion and him agreeing to get her a hotel room, the end result is him going to stay at her place?)
posted by cakelite at 6:37 AM on July 28, 2016 [41 favorites]
(Also, after lots of discussion and him agreeing to get her a hotel room, the end result is him going to stay at her place?)
posted by cakelite at 6:37 AM on July 28, 2016 [41 favorites]
Seriously, you were against the idea that of her staying at his place. So he asks her to stay only one night instead of two. Then he agrees to get her a hotel room. Then he's going to go see her and you're still upset, even though he's not staying in her room. It sounds like you want him to have no contact
Look, there's absolutely nothing you can do to prevent a lover from getting physical with someone else. If they want to do it, they'll find a way. You getting upset and attempting to impose restrictions will just push them closer together, because now they've been forced to work together to deal with your feelings or whatever.
Ultimately, he's ok with them spending time together (for whatever reason) and you are not. Long term this might be a deal killer for this relationship unless one of you sincerely changes.
And what is up with you thinking him venting his feeling about his ex is wildly inappropriate? People in relationships talk and express feelings. If he's still upset about a previous relationship, you're one of the people he should be able to talk about this without getting a lot of judgement.
The relationship doesn't sound very supportive or loving. You should re-examine it and what makes you think it is.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:40 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Look, there's absolutely nothing you can do to prevent a lover from getting physical with someone else. If they want to do it, they'll find a way. You getting upset and attempting to impose restrictions will just push them closer together, because now they've been forced to work together to deal with your feelings or whatever.
Ultimately, he's ok with them spending time together (for whatever reason) and you are not. Long term this might be a deal killer for this relationship unless one of you sincerely changes.
And what is up with you thinking him venting his feeling about his ex is wildly inappropriate? People in relationships talk and express feelings. If he's still upset about a previous relationship, you're one of the people he should be able to talk about this without getting a lot of judgement.
The relationship doesn't sound very supportive or loving. You should re-examine it and what makes you think it is.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:40 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Nthing that I trust my spouse but I would absolutely not be okay with her sleeping over with an ex. It's not that I'm worried that more would happen - that thing alone is already too much. In the real world this is not a particularly prudish expectation.
posted by ftm at 6:43 AM on July 28, 2016 [20 favorites]
posted by ftm at 6:43 AM on July 28, 2016 [20 favorites]
Oh come on. You don't have "trust issues" because you don't want your new boyfriend to spend the night with his ex. He's being a dick for not respecting your feelings.
I mean, I would personally have no qualms with my husband staying at certain exes houses overnight. But this is a special 6 hour visit just to see her? Don't let other people paint you as the crazy one. Something's fishy here and it ain't you.
posted by pintapicasso at 6:45 AM on July 28, 2016 [79 favorites]
I mean, I would personally have no qualms with my husband staying at certain exes houses overnight. But this is a special 6 hour visit just to see her? Don't let other people paint you as the crazy one. Something's fishy here and it ain't you.
posted by pintapicasso at 6:45 AM on July 28, 2016 [79 favorites]
I don't usually comment on relationship threads - generally because I tend to favourite the advice of people who are a lot wiser than me - but my advice would be to gently walk away from this one and take some time to care for yourself.
The levels of anxiety you're experiencing are not healthy. I think you should trust your instincts that you perhaps rushed into this relationship a bit soon - It shouldn't be this hard this early on. You might think he's a great guy, that he's funny, kind, but I don't think he's necessarily the right guy for you right now. And that's ok. It's ok if you just let this one go.
Now for the massive red flag.
She's having car trouble, so now he's driving to see her.
If my mother had car trouble I wouldn't drive six hours to see her and I love my mother - I would tell her to call a garage and have the car picked up by an expert. I don't know what their goal is here but the truth is probably a lot further from what he's telling you. So, again, trust your instincts. He might appear good and funny and someone you're planning on spending your time on, but your spidey-sense is telling you something is up. I think you should listen to it.
I don't know if my feelings are rational.
They are.
He completely fails to understand why I'm having a hard time.
He does, he just doesn't care.
Finally, I'm a Brit so I don't really suggest the therapy route as a way to solve problems as much as my US cousins, but I do think you need someone to talk to, or even just hang out and have a moan about life with some good friends, or join a gym and punch something, focus on something other than your anxiety, but make sure you come back to it at times and find out what it is that's causing it so that you can use some tools to help combat it. I know how much from personal experience how much anxiety can screw things up, so my thoughts are with you, and I hope things work out.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 6:46 AM on July 28, 2016 [48 favorites]
The levels of anxiety you're experiencing are not healthy. I think you should trust your instincts that you perhaps rushed into this relationship a bit soon - It shouldn't be this hard this early on. You might think he's a great guy, that he's funny, kind, but I don't think he's necessarily the right guy for you right now. And that's ok. It's ok if you just let this one go.
Now for the massive red flag.
She's having car trouble, so now he's driving to see her.
If my mother had car trouble I wouldn't drive six hours to see her and I love my mother - I would tell her to call a garage and have the car picked up by an expert. I don't know what their goal is here but the truth is probably a lot further from what he's telling you. So, again, trust your instincts. He might appear good and funny and someone you're planning on spending your time on, but your spidey-sense is telling you something is up. I think you should listen to it.
I don't know if my feelings are rational.
They are.
He completely fails to understand why I'm having a hard time.
He does, he just doesn't care.
Finally, I'm a Brit so I don't really suggest the therapy route as a way to solve problems as much as my US cousins, but I do think you need someone to talk to, or even just hang out and have a moan about life with some good friends, or join a gym and punch something, focus on something other than your anxiety, but make sure you come back to it at times and find out what it is that's causing it so that you can use some tools to help combat it. I know how much from personal experience how much anxiety can screw things up, so my thoughts are with you, and I hope things work out.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 6:46 AM on July 28, 2016 [48 favorites]
The comment while camping is a bit of a "whatever" to me.
The visiting the ex though....
Personally, I would see this as a problem, I would see this as not caring that the choices he is making are causing you (I feel very valid and rational) distress, I would see it as him valuing his relationship with his ex above his relationship with you. Because ultimately, that is what he is doing. He is showing you that the feelings of his ex are more important to him than your feeling are to him. He is bending over backwards to see this woman, privately, with the two of them sleeping in the same location. LIke others, I don't see this as a "can my boyfriend maintain contact with exes", this is far beyond that. Far far far beyond that. Their first meetup is a sleepover? Give me a break. Call me a Doubting Thomas but I sincerely would be wondering if her "car trouble" wasn't more than a little convenient. In my head, this feels shifty as hell. Your request that she stay in a hotel room "ruined" their plan, so OOPS! Her car isn't working! Guess I'll have to drive SIX HOURS to go see her, oh and now I'll be staying in her house...
Sorry, but most human beings would reschedule the visit. This sort of uber accomodation and effort to ensure this meetup with his ex happens is odd to me and is waving red flags all over the place. I mean, REALLY! Why is it so damned important that he have an overnight visit with his ex? Maybe it is all above board, maybe it is all totally legit and there is no cause to be concerned, but I really doubt it.
Is this breakup territory? For me it would be, but that is a decision you have to make for yourself. Regardless of this particular situation, I agree that this relationship sounds like a lot of work for you, and no, it definitely shouldn't be this hard. It sounds like it is causing you a lot of worry and anxiety and stress. I cannot believe that this is a healthy relationship for you, and I have to believe that there is a better relationship out there for you that isn't so painful and stressful and upsetting.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:04 AM on July 28, 2016 [31 favorites]
The visiting the ex though....
Personally, I would see this as a problem, I would see this as not caring that the choices he is making are causing you (I feel very valid and rational) distress, I would see it as him valuing his relationship with his ex above his relationship with you. Because ultimately, that is what he is doing. He is showing you that the feelings of his ex are more important to him than your feeling are to him. He is bending over backwards to see this woman, privately, with the two of them sleeping in the same location. LIke others, I don't see this as a "can my boyfriend maintain contact with exes", this is far beyond that. Far far far beyond that. Their first meetup is a sleepover? Give me a break. Call me a Doubting Thomas but I sincerely would be wondering if her "car trouble" wasn't more than a little convenient. In my head, this feels shifty as hell. Your request that she stay in a hotel room "ruined" their plan, so OOPS! Her car isn't working! Guess I'll have to drive SIX HOURS to go see her, oh and now I'll be staying in her house...
Sorry, but most human beings would reschedule the visit. This sort of uber accomodation and effort to ensure this meetup with his ex happens is odd to me and is waving red flags all over the place. I mean, REALLY! Why is it so damned important that he have an overnight visit with his ex? Maybe it is all above board, maybe it is all totally legit and there is no cause to be concerned, but I really doubt it.
Is this breakup territory? For me it would be, but that is a decision you have to make for yourself. Regardless of this particular situation, I agree that this relationship sounds like a lot of work for you, and no, it definitely shouldn't be this hard. It sounds like it is causing you a lot of worry and anxiety and stress. I cannot believe that this is a healthy relationship for you, and I have to believe that there is a better relationship out there for you that isn't so painful and stressful and upsetting.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:04 AM on July 28, 2016 [31 favorites]
This whole situation definitely sounds hinky to me. It is one thing to stay friendly/friends with exes and to meet up with them if they happen to be in town. It is a very different thing to make a special 6-hour trip to assist when your ex has car trouble. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I would drive six hours to help my husband with car trouble, because he is an adult who is capable of calling a cab or getting a rental car or whatever the issue may be. I'm not sure if your boyfriend has some sort of weird white knight situation going on with this woman or if he's fudging the details of why he's going on the trip, but the whole thing would also make me feel nervous and like something was pretty off.
Honestly: trust your gut here. Whether because your boyfriend is actively planning to cheat here or because he's just oblivious to your (very valid) feelings, neither of those things are good signs. Certainly it sounds like he has a level of emotional involvement with his ex that goes beyond "friendly" unless he's constantly off on 12-hour-round-trip drives to rescue his male friends. Of course relationships are not 100% easy and light and joy all of the time. But let me tell you: it really truly does not have to be this hard, in this way. There are men out there who will not treat you like this, and you deserve to find one.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:09 AM on July 28, 2016 [17 favorites]
Honestly: trust your gut here. Whether because your boyfriend is actively planning to cheat here or because he's just oblivious to your (very valid) feelings, neither of those things are good signs. Certainly it sounds like he has a level of emotional involvement with his ex that goes beyond "friendly" unless he's constantly off on 12-hour-round-trip drives to rescue his male friends. Of course relationships are not 100% easy and light and joy all of the time. But let me tell you: it really truly does not have to be this hard, in this way. There are men out there who will not treat you like this, and you deserve to find one.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:09 AM on July 28, 2016 [17 favorites]
I'd have no issues with my partner staying with an ex, as long as the big picture makes sense. So, like maybe, she was on a trip and there was a flight cancellation and staying with an ex saved us the cost of an airport hotel, something like that.
But a special trip just to stay the night? That would raise some red flags for me. I'm doing a work trip right now with similar back to back drives, and the only reason I would take on that kind of misery is for a family or job crisis, or a booty call. Doing that just to see a platonic friend doesn't add up.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:29 AM on July 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
But a special trip just to stay the night? That would raise some red flags for me. I'm doing a work trip right now with similar back to back drives, and the only reason I would take on that kind of misery is for a family or job crisis, or a booty call. Doing that just to see a platonic friend doesn't add up.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:29 AM on July 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Driving six hours to help someone with their car. Someone you haven't seen in three years. OKAY. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Yep. Please respond to this: did his ex actually come to your town and stay overnight in a hotel? And if so how long ago was that?
It sounds like he is not over his last ex. The fact that the camping trip was "hard for him" because the last time he went camping was with her, is troubling. That is not normal. Things you do with your current partner should not be difficult because you did them first with someone else. He shouldn't have given her more than a fleeting thought unless he is still harboring feelings.
posted by the webmistress at 7:30 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
It sounds like he is not over his last ex. The fact that the camping trip was "hard for him" because the last time he went camping was with her, is troubling. That is not normal. Things you do with your current partner should not be difficult because you did them first with someone else. He shouldn't have given her more than a fleeting thought unless he is still harboring feelings.
posted by the webmistress at 7:30 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
If he were my girlfriend I would take her at her word that she was just going to catch up regarding old times. To me, either you trust him or you don't. This is only an issue after the fact if he did indeed violate your trust. To dump him because you think he might fool around seems odd to me. Dump him if he DOES fool around. To me, this is a great opportunity to show mutual trust. It will also be a great opportunity to find out who your bf really is.
Having said all that, I get that you feel slighted he would even consider it. If that is how you feel, that is the way it is. To thyne own self be true.
posted by AugustWest at 7:31 AM on July 28, 2016
Having said all that, I get that you feel slighted he would even consider it. If that is how you feel, that is the way it is. To thyne own self be true.
posted by AugustWest at 7:31 AM on July 28, 2016
The funny thing is that I trust my boyfriend, but I don't trust some of his female friends and ex-girlfriends that continue to stay in contact with him in weird ways. Case in point, one of them calling to wish him a happy birthday in March when his birthday is in September, at 11:30 pm. If she knew him that well, she should know that that is the dumbest excuse ever for calling someone who's in a relationship at almost midnight.
The point of that little anecdote is to illustrate that, many times, some single women (and a handful of married ones,) throw themselves at 'taken' men for whatever reason. I've seen it happen time and again, and even though one could make the argument that if you trust your boyfriend you should trust that he won't follow through on an advance... why even bring on that situation?
Trust your instincts. Personally, if my boyfriend drove six hours to help his ex out with her car over being considerate of my feelings, I'd be gone. In fact, I've been wary in the past of men who've remained close friends with their still-single exes. Occasional contact on Christmas and perhaps birthdays is fine, but yeah... no staying over crap. You're allowed to make your decisions and him his, but if those aren't mutually beneficial then parting ways is the less exhausting road to take. This won't change.
posted by Everydayville at 7:37 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
The point of that little anecdote is to illustrate that, many times, some single women (and a handful of married ones,) throw themselves at 'taken' men for whatever reason. I've seen it happen time and again, and even though one could make the argument that if you trust your boyfriend you should trust that he won't follow through on an advance... why even bring on that situation?
Trust your instincts. Personally, if my boyfriend drove six hours to help his ex out with her car over being considerate of my feelings, I'd be gone. In fact, I've been wary in the past of men who've remained close friends with their still-single exes. Occasional contact on Christmas and perhaps birthdays is fine, but yeah... no staying over crap. You're allowed to make your decisions and him his, but if those aren't mutually beneficial then parting ways is the less exhausting road to take. This won't change.
posted by Everydayville at 7:37 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Think of someone you really admire -- someone notably strong, and self-assured.
How long would they put up with feeling like you do in this relationship?
posted by argonauta at 7:43 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
How long would they put up with feeling like you do in this relationship?
posted by argonauta at 7:43 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Usually, I'm not all that concerned about people who hang out with their exes, but he just seems to be a dick to you, so I'd drop him.
posted by xingcat at 7:43 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:43 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Step away from this jerk boyfriend. He is selectively deaf toward you!
The range of responses here is interesting. Many tolerance levels represented.
If my honey stayed overnight with an ex, that house would be burned to the ground. By me.
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:44 AM on July 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
The range of responses here is interesting. Many tolerance levels represented.
If my honey stayed overnight with an ex, that house would be burned to the ground. By me.
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:44 AM on July 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
Can you be happy with someone who doesn't respect your feelings, someone who doesn't make you a priority? It will only get worse with time ... right now you are in the early, non-married stages of your relationship, where you're supposed to be crazy about each other and putting your best faces forward. If this is his best, what is the future going to look like?
posted by Ostara at 7:47 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Ostara at 7:47 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I feel like we should have an automated bot that posts this:
You have every right to feel uncomfortable with your partner's behavior.
If I were him, I would respect those feelings in this instance and try to set boundaries between my friends and I that didn't make you uncomfortable. Some people hate any type of limitation to their friendships. Neither is wrong, but it makes a bad fit for a couple if these preferences vary this wildly.
Whether or not anything untoward is going on you have a right to be in a relationship where your partner respects the bright line limits of what behavior you think it appropriate with potential sexual partners.
There is no rational universally agreed upon standard behavior for exes or potential crushes that people get to refer to. He has the right to believe your boundaries are too limiting for him, but not to make you think you are being irrational.
His behavior and disrespect of your wishes sounds like it's a huge issue in other areas too. If it's a dealbreaker, never look back.
Finally, all that said, it is relevant data that men ARE more likely to simply be lying, gaslighting their partners and straight up cheating on you. The overwhelming number of situations where this is the case makes your request all the more worthy of consideration by him.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:49 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
You have every right to feel uncomfortable with your partner's behavior.
If I were him, I would respect those feelings in this instance and try to set boundaries between my friends and I that didn't make you uncomfortable. Some people hate any type of limitation to their friendships. Neither is wrong, but it makes a bad fit for a couple if these preferences vary this wildly.
Whether or not anything untoward is going on you have a right to be in a relationship where your partner respects the bright line limits of what behavior you think it appropriate with potential sexual partners.
There is no rational universally agreed upon standard behavior for exes or potential crushes that people get to refer to. He has the right to believe your boundaries are too limiting for him, but not to make you think you are being irrational.
His behavior and disrespect of your wishes sounds like it's a huge issue in other areas too. If it's a dealbreaker, never look back.
Finally, all that said, it is relevant data that men ARE more likely to simply be lying, gaslighting their partners and straight up cheating on you. The overwhelming number of situations where this is the case makes your request all the more worthy of consideration by him.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:49 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
The thing that I find concerning is you're not respecting your own feelings. As you can see, this type of thing bothers some here; it doesn't bother others and that's fine.
It bothers you. You've told him this whole thing bothers you and he doesn't care. That enough should be reason to break it off.
Having said that, OMG I CALL BULLSHIT on the whole story. Come on - you guys are supposedly in the limerance excitement stage and he thinks this is a really excellent time to go visit his ex girlfriend he hasn't seen in three years but she has car trouble and can't come to visit him? So he's going to drive 12 hours round trip to say howdy?
The whole story is such nonsense; of course it raises red flags. Sure, friendly exes hang out, but he wants to hang with her for the first time in three years without you and is willing to make a mighty long trip to do this.
You should trust your gut. Having so many issues in a new relationship isn't promising. I'd break up with this guy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:52 AM on July 28, 2016 [40 favorites]
It bothers you. You've told him this whole thing bothers you and he doesn't care. That enough should be reason to break it off.
Having said that, OMG I CALL BULLSHIT on the whole story. Come on - you guys are supposedly in the limerance excitement stage and he thinks this is a really excellent time to go visit his ex girlfriend he hasn't seen in three years but she has car trouble and can't come to visit him? So he's going to drive 12 hours round trip to say howdy?
The whole story is such nonsense; of course it raises red flags. Sure, friendly exes hang out, but he wants to hang with her for the first time in three years without you and is willing to make a mighty long trip to do this.
You should trust your gut. Having so many issues in a new relationship isn't promising. I'd break up with this guy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:52 AM on July 28, 2016 [40 favorites]
I checked your history and, if my math is right, this is a boyfriend of about 4 months? Am I right about that? And it looks like you've asked as many questions about him as months seeing him, yes?
Your gut's been telling you something is hinky about this relationship since you were still calling it a "relationship" in quotes.
To answer your question: it doesn't really matter whether your feelings are rational or not (although I think they are). What matters is that they're yours. You're having these feelings, and your boyfriend does not give one shit about them. You can't fix that. You'll never fix it. Regardless of what's going on with the exes, your feelings are always going to come last with this guy. Now, maybe that's not a dealbreaker for you. But: 4 questions, one per month, since the beginning of the relationship?
Take a few days alone and really think about it. Do you want to have to deal with these feelings -- alone, of course, he's never going to comfort you or care particularly how you feel -- for the longterm? Do the benefits he brings to the relationship the loneliness and isolation that come when he ignores your feelings and puts yet another thing ahead of your heart? They might! And that's fine! But it's your call to make.
And: 4 questions, 4 months. I don't think the benefits outweigh the downsides for you.
posted by AmandaA at 7:53 AM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Your gut's been telling you something is hinky about this relationship since you were still calling it a "relationship" in quotes.
To answer your question: it doesn't really matter whether your feelings are rational or not (although I think they are). What matters is that they're yours. You're having these feelings, and your boyfriend does not give one shit about them. You can't fix that. You'll never fix it. Regardless of what's going on with the exes, your feelings are always going to come last with this guy. Now, maybe that's not a dealbreaker for you. But: 4 questions, one per month, since the beginning of the relationship?
Take a few days alone and really think about it. Do you want to have to deal with these feelings -- alone, of course, he's never going to comfort you or care particularly how you feel -- for the longterm? Do the benefits he brings to the relationship the loneliness and isolation that come when he ignores your feelings and puts yet another thing ahead of your heart? They might! And that's fine! But it's your call to make.
And: 4 questions, 4 months. I don't think the benefits outweigh the downsides for you.
posted by AmandaA at 7:53 AM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
The thing that is missing here is WHY you don't want him staying with her. You haven't communicated this in your post, nor have you said whether you have communicated it to your boyfriend. Just that you're not okay with it and therefore he should change his plans. This is not something that is universally agreed upon as okay or not-okay behavior, as evidenced here. Plenty of people are okay with their partners staying with an ex. Plenty aren't. Neither is more right, but an explanation is required to make it clear.
You don't get to say your partner can't do something simply because something bothers you. That's controlling behavior. My husband does things that scare me (see my recent Ask about a hiking trip) but it's not a logical fear based in anything real so I don't stop him.
posted by joan_holloway at 7:57 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
You don't get to say your partner can't do something simply because something bothers you. That's controlling behavior. My husband does things that scare me (see my recent Ask about a hiking trip) but it's not a logical fear based in anything real so I don't stop him.
posted by joan_holloway at 7:57 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
You haven't been seeing him long--what, 4-5 months total? IIRC this is your first serious relationship. I understand you don't want to go through a breakup. No one does. But if you are already "tired" and things seem hard this early, I am afraid they will not get easier. What IS easier is to let someone go at the 5 month mark than at 7 months or 9 months or 1 year, or even longer. In my life I have never regretted breaking up with someone in the presence of red flags; I only wished I'd done it sooner.
When you're in a good relationship at some point in the future, you are likely to realize how unhealthy this one is/was. I think you are anxious because he gives you lots of good reasons to be anxious--in this situation and others you've posted about. Also his ranting about exes is disturbing to me. I ran far away from men who did that and I was right to do so. You would be, too. Don't be afraid of being alone for a while. Given his behavior it may be a relief. Good luck to you.
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 7:58 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
When you're in a good relationship at some point in the future, you are likely to realize how unhealthy this one is/was. I think you are anxious because he gives you lots of good reasons to be anxious--in this situation and others you've posted about. Also his ranting about exes is disturbing to me. I ran far away from men who did that and I was right to do so. You would be, too. Don't be afraid of being alone for a while. Given his behavior it may be a relief. Good luck to you.
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 7:58 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Trust, like love, isn't just this feeling that you carry around in your head, something that either exists or doesn't, that can be granted or rescinded on a moment's notice. It's something you develop with someone over time by mutually acting in trustworthy ways towards each other. By showing an unwillingness to sacrifice even the tiniest bit of his own happiness for yours, your boyfriend is not acting trustworthy. My advice to you is to think through what your own expectations are for opposite sex friendships in romantic relationships, articulate those expectations to him and then leave the final decision up to him. If you decide that you're uncomfortable with this visit and he moves forward with seeing his ex anyway? Leave him.
posted by scantee at 8:00 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by scantee at 8:00 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
This one is obvious - ROAD TRIP!!!
Seriously, though, this isn't a big deal. I wouldn't care if Mr. Arnicae did this. But if you care that your boyfriend is doing this, that isn't a big deal, either. Is money a factor? Can you offer to cover the hotel cost? Do you have free time? Could you ask to go along?
Don't stress too much about this. However, the ranting about other ex girlfriends is weird and definitely a red flag.
posted by arnicae at 8:01 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Seriously, though, this isn't a big deal. I wouldn't care if Mr. Arnicae did this. But if you care that your boyfriend is doing this, that isn't a big deal, either. Is money a factor? Can you offer to cover the hotel cost? Do you have free time? Could you ask to go along?
Don't stress too much about this. However, the ranting about other ex girlfriends is weird and definitely a red flag.
posted by arnicae at 8:01 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
You don't get to say your partner can't do something simply because something bothers you
Just to reiterate, as long as you respectfully communicate your wishes, yes you do. You have this right. He gets to decide if he wants to comply or not. You don't need a reason besides "this makes me very uncomfortable".
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:02 AM on July 28, 2016 [26 favorites]
Just to reiterate, as long as you respectfully communicate your wishes, yes you do. You have this right. He gets to decide if he wants to comply or not. You don't need a reason besides "this makes me very uncomfortable".
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:02 AM on July 28, 2016 [26 favorites]
Deal breaker. I would nicely let him know it's not ok with you, but it's his decision. If he goes I think you got your answer about where you stand. Don't talk and talk and talk about. He isn't getting it. Just move on.
I'm pretty chill about male/female relationships, and am pretty close to a couple exes, but I would never go stay with them without inviting my significant other.
posted by ReluctantViking at 8:06 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm pretty chill about male/female relationships, and am pretty close to a couple exes, but I would never go stay with them without inviting my significant other.
posted by ReluctantViking at 8:06 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
A vote for weird. I wouldn't drive 6 hours for a boyfriend/close family member. An ex? Hell no, and I get on really well with my ex boyfriends. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. You're not crazy, you're not controlling, you just shouldn't date someone that IS.
posted by Marinara at 8:09 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Marinara at 8:09 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Also, just adding to say that I posed this question to my boyfriend and he is at minute five about how ridiculous your boyfriend is being and about how unacceptable this situation would be.
posted by Marinara at 8:11 AM on July 28, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by Marinara at 8:11 AM on July 28, 2016 [19 favorites]
I'm also upset because he says it's really not as simple as her being his ex; they are just friends, so he thinks it's a "gray area".
I don't like the sound of this. If he said, "Hey, it's perfectly OK; she's a friend," that would be one thing. But he actually thinks it's a gray area? How many gray areas does he expect there to be in your relationship?
Maybe it's the way your conversation unfolded, or the way you are paraphrasing it, but this sounds very squishy to me. He doesn't seem to think it's straightforward so why should you?
posted by BibiRose at 8:19 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't like the sound of this. If he said, "Hey, it's perfectly OK; she's a friend," that would be one thing. But he actually thinks it's a gray area? How many gray areas does he expect there to be in your relationship?
Maybe it's the way your conversation unfolded, or the way you are paraphrasing it, but this sounds very squishy to me. He doesn't seem to think it's straightforward so why should you?
posted by BibiRose at 8:19 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
It is very weird that they haven't seen each other in three years and are planning a sleepover weekend as the reunion. This isn't a "can boyfriends visit exes?" question, the specifics make it very strange.
Yeah, my feelings are
- it's totally fine for exes to hang out together, and I sleep over at the house of my exes sometimes and my guy does too.
- BUT there's often some weird adjustment period at first while it becomes okay where it's normal (in my world) for the partner to be like "What exactly is going on here?" and you talk about it
- and if your responsibility is to your primary relationship then you try to make your partner comfortable with the situation through word and deed
- sometimes you can't agree and then you have to get into dealbreaker talk/territory
To me, who is sometimes suspicious of AskMe stories, this reads a lot more like your boyfriend or his ex basically wanting private alone time (for whatever reason) and the car trouble is more of a manufactured excuse than an actual "Welp I have to go to ex's town instead of her coming here. Sorry. Nothing to be done." On my planet what would happen is "Oh hey sorry you're having car trouble, another time then?" I know there are some cultures in which driving six hours to go do a thing is a totally reasonable event but it sounds like it's pretty well outside of normal for you. So, I'd be wondering "What exactly is going on here?" I wouldn't drive six hours to go see a friend for a weekend if I was newly in a relationship. I wouldn't insist that the only way I could see my ex would be in private. Realistically if you're in a new relationship, unless there's a THING going on, you want to introduce the new partner around. This is the opposite of what is happening here.
You've gotten no explanations for why this is playing out like this. There may be some, but you haven't heard them and your feelings are not getting respected. Your guy sounds like he's working some shit out and is not handling things generally (like the rant about the other ex) and he could use some help and maybe some space from him while he works that stuff out is warranted. Trust in a new relationship is, in my opinion, earned and we're not seeing this guy working on that here.
posted by jessamyn at 8:34 AM on July 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
Yeah, my feelings are
- it's totally fine for exes to hang out together, and I sleep over at the house of my exes sometimes and my guy does too.
- BUT there's often some weird adjustment period at first while it becomes okay where it's normal (in my world) for the partner to be like "What exactly is going on here?" and you talk about it
- and if your responsibility is to your primary relationship then you try to make your partner comfortable with the situation through word and deed
- sometimes you can't agree and then you have to get into dealbreaker talk/territory
To me, who is sometimes suspicious of AskMe stories, this reads a lot more like your boyfriend or his ex basically wanting private alone time (for whatever reason) and the car trouble is more of a manufactured excuse than an actual "Welp I have to go to ex's town instead of her coming here. Sorry. Nothing to be done." On my planet what would happen is "Oh hey sorry you're having car trouble, another time then?" I know there are some cultures in which driving six hours to go do a thing is a totally reasonable event but it sounds like it's pretty well outside of normal for you. So, I'd be wondering "What exactly is going on here?" I wouldn't drive six hours to go see a friend for a weekend if I was newly in a relationship. I wouldn't insist that the only way I could see my ex would be in private. Realistically if you're in a new relationship, unless there's a THING going on, you want to introduce the new partner around. This is the opposite of what is happening here.
You've gotten no explanations for why this is playing out like this. There may be some, but you haven't heard them and your feelings are not getting respected. Your guy sounds like he's working some shit out and is not handling things generally (like the rant about the other ex) and he could use some help and maybe some space from him while he works that stuff out is warranted. Trust in a new relationship is, in my opinion, earned and we're not seeing this guy working on that here.
posted by jessamyn at 8:34 AM on July 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
My partner is genuinely friends with his ex. I was incredibly jealous. He took a break from hanging out with her (not too hard as they are both busy). They chatted via Facebook, but since he respected me as his new girlfriend, and she respected him (and his relationships) as a genuine friend, they knew they couldn't be in my face with their friendship.
After nine months or so, they went to lunch together. She came to his place first, met me, gave me a small present (homemade cookies) and we chatted for a bit before they went out to catch up. From there, he ramped up how much time he spent with her, and interspersed it with doing stuff with her and her fiance as couples. I think they are like the ideal model of how to be friends with an ex and how to introduce your new SO to your ex. If he had suggested an overnight trip with her before I had ever met her, no freaking way. My anxiety would have been through the roof.
posted by tippy at 8:36 AM on July 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
After nine months or so, they went to lunch together. She came to his place first, met me, gave me a small present (homemade cookies) and we chatted for a bit before they went out to catch up. From there, he ramped up how much time he spent with her, and interspersed it with doing stuff with her and her fiance as couples. I think they are like the ideal model of how to be friends with an ex and how to introduce your new SO to your ex. If he had suggested an overnight trip with her before I had ever met her, no freaking way. My anxiety would have been through the roof.
posted by tippy at 8:36 AM on July 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
You should break up with him.
Originally, she was supposed to come here and spend two nights on the futon in his studio. I was upset, we talked, and he agreed to get a hotel for her.
I don't know if he's untrustworthy or if you have trust issues or what, but I feel like in a healthy relationship, this first thing would have been solved with an agreement for you to also be spending the night at BF's place. Because if she's "a friend" and you are his significant other, he should want the two of you to be friends.
Ditto now with this 6 hour drive. Did you joining him ever come up as an option? Why not?
If it's because you are not comfortable with the idea of him being around his ex's, then yeah, this is on you and you should break up so that you can work on yourself.
If it's because he wants "alone" time with this "friend," then yeah, this is hinky and you should break up with him because he isn't doing what he needs to to help you be able to trust him.
Finally, ask yourself why this is hard and stressful for you? I'm going to assume that you are afraid that he will cheat on you with this ex. But here's the thing -- if he's going to cheat, you will not be able to control every single opportunity that he has to so. Cheaters will cheat -- it's not the job or responsibility of their SOs to stop them. So, in some ways, if he cheats now it would be a blessing, because you can break up with him earlier rather than later.
But on the other hand, if you are that worried that he will cheat, you'll stay this worried even if he doesn't, this time. Because you don't trust him.
And so you should break up with him.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:43 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Originally, she was supposed to come here and spend two nights on the futon in his studio. I was upset, we talked, and he agreed to get a hotel for her.
I don't know if he's untrustworthy or if you have trust issues or what, but I feel like in a healthy relationship, this first thing would have been solved with an agreement for you to also be spending the night at BF's place. Because if she's "a friend" and you are his significant other, he should want the two of you to be friends.
Ditto now with this 6 hour drive. Did you joining him ever come up as an option? Why not?
If it's because you are not comfortable with the idea of him being around his ex's, then yeah, this is on you and you should break up so that you can work on yourself.
If it's because he wants "alone" time with this "friend," then yeah, this is hinky and you should break up with him because he isn't doing what he needs to to help you be able to trust him.
Finally, ask yourself why this is hard and stressful for you? I'm going to assume that you are afraid that he will cheat on you with this ex. But here's the thing -- if he's going to cheat, you will not be able to control every single opportunity that he has to so. Cheaters will cheat -- it's not the job or responsibility of their SOs to stop them. So, in some ways, if he cheats now it would be a blessing, because you can break up with him earlier rather than later.
But on the other hand, if you are that worried that he will cheat, you'll stay this worried even if he doesn't, this time. Because you don't trust him.
And so you should break up with him.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:43 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Hey, this isn't about the ex-girlfriend, at all. That's a red herring and it's tripping people up. It's tripping you up, too, and your boyfriend -- he's able to say to himself "man she is just being jealous" and you're having to say to yourself "oh no am I just being jealous" and the real issue is just flowing along like a terrible undercurrent of doom, here.
So, let's pretend that the twelve hour drive to see an ex is not part of your question.
I'm... tired. I don't know how to feel about all of this. I don't know if my feelings are rational.
Feelings are by definition not rational. They are feelings. When I start to ask myself "is what I feel OK," I do two things: (1) I respect my feelings by telling myself "I is OK to feel what I feel right now," and (2) I ask myself: "What are the facts?" So: What are the facts? Here are a few facts about your relationship:
Take care of yourself. Best of luck to you.
posted by sockermom at 8:44 AM on July 28, 2016 [51 favorites]
So, let's pretend that the twelve hour drive to see an ex is not part of your question.
I'm... tired. I don't know how to feel about all of this. I don't know if my feelings are rational.
Feelings are by definition not rational. They are feelings. When I start to ask myself "is what I feel OK," I do two things: (1) I respect my feelings by telling myself "I is OK to feel what I feel right now," and (2) I ask myself: "What are the facts?" So: What are the facts? Here are a few facts about your relationship:
- Your boyfriend does not listen to you
- He does not think that you should feel the way that you feel and does not acknowledge that your feelings are OK
- He thinks it is OK to rant at you about his ex
- He thinks that doing a fun activity with you is hard sometimes because it reminds him of doing that activity with his ex, and he thinks that telling you this is OK (it is not; this is the kind of thing that you discuss with a friend, a therapist, or your own self, you don't talk about this specific thing to your current partner, because it will probably make your current partner feel crummy about something that has nothing to do with them)
- He is mildly depressed and his meds aren't working
- He brings up his mental health during a discussion where it is not germane and this feels manipulative to you
- We have so much in common it's almost eerie.
Take care of yourself. Best of luck to you.
posted by sockermom at 8:44 AM on July 28, 2016 [51 favorites]
Wait I just realized this was the guy who said he was too tired to see you, who now has no problem with six hour drives for an ex. DTMFA.
posted by corb at 8:45 AM on July 28, 2016 [56 favorites]
posted by corb at 8:45 AM on July 28, 2016 [56 favorites]
I would read and re-read sockermom's comments over and over again. I spent years - many long years - in a relationship like yours. It took me way too long to learn (the hard way) that the most important relationship I will ever be in is my relationship with myself.
1) Am I ignoring my feelings and instincts? Then I will not feel I can trust myself later, and my confidence will continue to erode.
2) Am I making choices that lead to me feeling happy and secure, or am I letting other people's choices come before my own?
You have worked hard enough here, and it is perfectly right and reasonable to close the door behind him when he leaves to be with his ex and move yourself on to something new. You deserve way better.
For what it's worth, my "first serious relationship" was with a boy who really knew how to talk a good game. I would communicate in a way that I believed was honest and direct, and oh he would agree wholeheartedly and mirror my own thoughts (so that I believed we were SO similar), and then would very deftly explain why his staying overnight with exes, with my (now former) best friend, was all very sensible for reasons related to the cost of gas, not wanting to drive at night while tired, etc. etc. and I fell for it over and over again. The feeling of denying my instincts about his behaviour was the worst ever. When my alarms are going off now, I pay fucking attention and I steer the boat away from danger, because I've been there, and it wasn't fun.
And oh yeah, first love was cheating on me all over the place, even though I'd have been perfectly fine with an open relationship where he could sleep with other people. He wasn't capable of that kind of honesty, and he liked the subterfuge of an illicit connection with someone else. I don't, in retrospect, give much of a shit about what he was doing, but I care very much about all those years I spent not trusting myself to protect myself from toxic assholes like him.
posted by annathea at 9:02 AM on July 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
1) Am I ignoring my feelings and instincts? Then I will not feel I can trust myself later, and my confidence will continue to erode.
2) Am I making choices that lead to me feeling happy and secure, or am I letting other people's choices come before my own?
You have worked hard enough here, and it is perfectly right and reasonable to close the door behind him when he leaves to be with his ex and move yourself on to something new. You deserve way better.
For what it's worth, my "first serious relationship" was with a boy who really knew how to talk a good game. I would communicate in a way that I believed was honest and direct, and oh he would agree wholeheartedly and mirror my own thoughts (so that I believed we were SO similar), and then would very deftly explain why his staying overnight with exes, with my (now former) best friend, was all very sensible for reasons related to the cost of gas, not wanting to drive at night while tired, etc. etc. and I fell for it over and over again. The feeling of denying my instincts about his behaviour was the worst ever. When my alarms are going off now, I pay fucking attention and I steer the boat away from danger, because I've been there, and it wasn't fun.
And oh yeah, first love was cheating on me all over the place, even though I'd have been perfectly fine with an open relationship where he could sleep with other people. He wasn't capable of that kind of honesty, and he liked the subterfuge of an illicit connection with someone else. I don't, in retrospect, give much of a shit about what he was doing, but I care very much about all those years I spent not trusting myself to protect myself from toxic assholes like him.
posted by annathea at 9:02 AM on July 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
I don't think the sleepover is at the heart of this. I'd feel weird about that, but would probably be able to get over it if one person just happened to be in the other person's town and needed a place to crash for the night. It's the level of effort he's expending to see his ex that would be the real issue for me. It's more than I would do for most friends. Unless it was my best friend, or current SO, or close family member, if someone couldn't come visit me because of car trouble my reaction would be, "Okay, let's reschedule!" Because the need to see that person just isn't that urgent and can happen another time.
The camping comments would be a yellow flag for me. I don't think it's necessarily a bad sign to have unresolved feelings of anger, etc. about an ex. I occasionally have feelings like that pop up about exes. I don't think it's appropriate to vent those feelings with my current boyfriend, though. That's for therapy or my close friends. Maybe this was a one-time slip-up for him, but given everything else you've described I think you have reason to feel uneasy. It sounds like this guy has some emotional work to do on himself and is caught up in what he wants and needs, to the point where he can't or won't even empathize with how you feel. That would be a dealbreaker for me regardless of his feelings or intentions about his exes.
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 9:19 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
The camping comments would be a yellow flag for me. I don't think it's necessarily a bad sign to have unresolved feelings of anger, etc. about an ex. I occasionally have feelings like that pop up about exes. I don't think it's appropriate to vent those feelings with my current boyfriend, though. That's for therapy or my close friends. Maybe this was a one-time slip-up for him, but given everything else you've described I think you have reason to feel uneasy. It sounds like this guy has some emotional work to do on himself and is caught up in what he wants and needs, to the point where he can't or won't even empathize with how you feel. That would be a dealbreaker for me regardless of his feelings or intentions about his exes.
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 9:19 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
That guy is selfish. Period.
posted by Postroad at 9:23 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Postroad at 9:23 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Seriously? Your boyfriend is about to drive for 6 hours because he wants to bonk his girlfriend. This, and your previous questions about him, indicate that there is already far too much drama in this relationship.
Do yourself a favour, and come to the proper conclusion without us having to spell it out for you.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:24 AM on July 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Do yourself a favour, and come to the proper conclusion without us having to spell it out for you.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:24 AM on July 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
> Oh come on. You don't have "trust issues" because you don't want your new boyfriend to spend the night with his ex. He's being a dick for not respecting your feelings.
Quoted for truth. This guy does not care about your feelings. Find someone who does.
posted by languagehat at 9:30 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Quoted for truth. This guy does not care about your feelings. Find someone who does.
posted by languagehat at 9:30 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
When my current relationship started I was still living with my ex-wife, for months. We were still married but separated. After I moved in with my GF, her ex needed a place to stay so lived with us for two weeks.
The difference here, though, is that we discussed both things at length and agreed that it was fine for both of us. I would totally not be ok with a 6-hour drive to visit an ex, and my GF would agree not to go, no question, and vice-versa.
The issue here is his refusal to respect your feelings, and IMO it's a deal breaker. My marriage ended because of a similar situation, and the problem boiled down to her not respecting my feelings about her relationship with someone else. Physical cheating was never an issue or a concern.
You should try couples therapy if he's willing, but it doesn't sound like he's ready to put your relationship first.
posted by Huck500 at 9:30 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
The difference here, though, is that we discussed both things at length and agreed that it was fine for both of us. I would totally not be ok with a 6-hour drive to visit an ex, and my GF would agree not to go, no question, and vice-versa.
The issue here is his refusal to respect your feelings, and IMO it's a deal breaker. My marriage ended because of a similar situation, and the problem boiled down to her not respecting my feelings about her relationship with someone else. Physical cheating was never an issue or a concern.
You should try couples therapy if he's willing, but it doesn't sound like he's ready to put your relationship first.
posted by Huck500 at 9:30 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Nah this dude sucks. He's no good, lady.
For future reference: I have found, as an Old who has been in Many Relationships with Men, that my concerns about my partner vis-a-vis their exes/friends who are girls are always 100% actually about my relationship with the guy.
I have had boyfriends who I wouldn't trust in the same *state* as their exes. Literally! I had a boyfriend who set my spidey senses off whenever he visited his family, because he had an ex two cities over from his parents. This seems nuts, right? It seemed nuts to me, too. I thought I had become an overwhelmingly, irrationally jealous Fatal Attraction person.
Yeah he cheated on me with that ex of his. A lot. And also with a lot of other people. The thing is, everything ABOUT that dude was trying to tell me he did not give any shits about me, really. That he had no interest in being faithful, that he barely had interest in me. In fact, everything he did suggested that he found literally any woman on earth more compelling than me.
That dude where I thought, "oh god, please don't let his new coworker be a woman" and other insane things? Same deal. Wasted absolutely no time before trying to bang that new coworker.
My current boyfriend could tell me he was going to a nude spa with his ex for three days and I would be like, "OMG have fun, don't forget to get the exfoliating scrub." Because my current boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt his fidelity to or his interest in me. He radiates these things.
Your dude barely grants you the time of day. Oh sure, he's always got a reason. But he's hung up on these other girls and you're just a convenient placeholder for him. And you know this thing! That's why you're worried. You're worried because you know that if it's you vs. them, you'll lose. But you see in a situation like that, you shouldn't be worried: you should be single. Don't sit around and let someone make you their consolation prize. DTMFA.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:32 AM on July 28, 2016 [46 favorites]
For future reference: I have found, as an Old who has been in Many Relationships with Men, that my concerns about my partner vis-a-vis their exes/friends who are girls are always 100% actually about my relationship with the guy.
I have had boyfriends who I wouldn't trust in the same *state* as their exes. Literally! I had a boyfriend who set my spidey senses off whenever he visited his family, because he had an ex two cities over from his parents. This seems nuts, right? It seemed nuts to me, too. I thought I had become an overwhelmingly, irrationally jealous Fatal Attraction person.
Yeah he cheated on me with that ex of his. A lot. And also with a lot of other people. The thing is, everything ABOUT that dude was trying to tell me he did not give any shits about me, really. That he had no interest in being faithful, that he barely had interest in me. In fact, everything he did suggested that he found literally any woman on earth more compelling than me.
That dude where I thought, "oh god, please don't let his new coworker be a woman" and other insane things? Same deal. Wasted absolutely no time before trying to bang that new coworker.
My current boyfriend could tell me he was going to a nude spa with his ex for three days and I would be like, "OMG have fun, don't forget to get the exfoliating scrub." Because my current boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt his fidelity to or his interest in me. He radiates these things.
Your dude barely grants you the time of day. Oh sure, he's always got a reason. But he's hung up on these other girls and you're just a convenient placeholder for him. And you know this thing! That's why you're worried. You're worried because you know that if it's you vs. them, you'll lose. But you see in a situation like that, you shouldn't be worried: you should be single. Don't sit around and let someone make you their consolation prize. DTMFA.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:32 AM on July 28, 2016 [46 favorites]
Oh, I don't know. I've definitely been the sort to drive far for platonic cross-sex friendships, but if I am 100% HONEST, it is because there was a little more there. Perhaps not 100% romantic or sexual, but SOMETHING quite intimate that I needed emotionally. I can't pretend that your fellow has the same motivations.
However, I HAVE been in your shoes in terms of relationship uncertainty, and when your gut is screaming at you that something isn't right, and that your relationship is threatened or on uneasy ground, it typically IS and you should listen. People (women in particular) are often painted as irrational, jealous, and possessive simply because we respond to our instincts when we feel our partners pulling away for whatever reason. What you're both experiencing right now is human, but we mind fuck each other by pretending that this is something that doesn't or, perhaps more apropos, "SHOULDN'T" happen.
I am validating your feelings, right here and right now, because you are correct to notice and feel them. Something is going on. Don't talk yourself out of this realization. This fellow is not 100% committed to you yet and is exploring other options, at least mentally and emotionally (if not potentially physically) while keeping you as an option. It's unfortunately common, which is also when relationships are most uncertain. However, now you have to determine how YOU cope with the situation. We cannot control people's behaviors, but we CAN control how we feel regarding their behaviors and how we react to them to protect our autonomy, dignity and feelings. You have every right to decide that you don't want to tolerate this fellow's INTENSE interest in his ex. You can also choose to see how this pans out and perhaps your relationship will improve and become more solidified over time...once he's gotten every other potential option out of his system. Or you can split, because nobody puts baby in the corner.
I, personally, would and have split.
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:05 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
However, I HAVE been in your shoes in terms of relationship uncertainty, and when your gut is screaming at you that something isn't right, and that your relationship is threatened or on uneasy ground, it typically IS and you should listen. People (women in particular) are often painted as irrational, jealous, and possessive simply because we respond to our instincts when we feel our partners pulling away for whatever reason. What you're both experiencing right now is human, but we mind fuck each other by pretending that this is something that doesn't or, perhaps more apropos, "SHOULDN'T" happen.
I am validating your feelings, right here and right now, because you are correct to notice and feel them. Something is going on. Don't talk yourself out of this realization. This fellow is not 100% committed to you yet and is exploring other options, at least mentally and emotionally (if not potentially physically) while keeping you as an option. It's unfortunately common, which is also when relationships are most uncertain. However, now you have to determine how YOU cope with the situation. We cannot control people's behaviors, but we CAN control how we feel regarding their behaviors and how we react to them to protect our autonomy, dignity and feelings. You have every right to decide that you don't want to tolerate this fellow's INTENSE interest in his ex. You can also choose to see how this pans out and perhaps your relationship will improve and become more solidified over time...once he's gotten every other potential option out of his system. Or you can split, because nobody puts baby in the corner.
I, personally, would and have split.
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:05 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
His plan really raises my suspicions, and I would literally bet money on some level of physical intimacy happening between them on this trip. He hasn't seen her since the break-up, there are going to be emotions, and then then there's ample opportunity for the whole, "Oh, my elderly landlords actually don't want you to crash in the living room; here, just sleep on my bed with me" hijinks.
Maybe I'm cynical, but this just sounds like a confluence of fishy excuses in order to create an optimal setting for infidelity. After you pushed back on the hotel, suddenly her car broke down, and no one suggested that the trip be postponed or that she get a rental car, both of which would be easy compared to driving 6 hours. How handy that he now gets to go to her, alone, away from your watchful eye. Oh, and a hotel? No, because [flimsiest reason in the history of mankind]. He simply MUST stay with her, alone. How convenient for him.
If he's not planning to cheat, he should at least make SOME effort to defray the impression that this is just the world's most elaborate booty call.
posted by delight at 10:21 AM on July 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
Maybe I'm cynical, but this just sounds like a confluence of fishy excuses in order to create an optimal setting for infidelity. After you pushed back on the hotel, suddenly her car broke down, and no one suggested that the trip be postponed or that she get a rental car, both of which would be easy compared to driving 6 hours. How handy that he now gets to go to her, alone, away from your watchful eye. Oh, and a hotel? No, because [flimsiest reason in the history of mankind]. He simply MUST stay with her, alone. How convenient for him.
If he's not planning to cheat, he should at least make SOME effort to defray the impression that this is just the world's most elaborate booty call.
posted by delight at 10:21 AM on July 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
I hope this discussion doesn't derail into a "my relationship is so chill I would LOVE my boyfriend to sleep in the same bed as a woman he used to have sex with, you must be really unchill!" fest because I don't think that's going to help the asker.
I agree you can't prevent someone from cheating or dictate their friendships but I don't think this is what OP intends to do. I think it's more about his lack of respect for her wishes and boundaries. OP, you're allowed not to feel totally comfortable with this-- it's all about your own boundaries, your own relationship, your gut. No need to generalize about men and women hanging out, as we have the unique details of this case. It's HIS lack of respect and odd flimsy-sounding stories that make this inappropriate in my book. Not the general idea of a man and his ex spending time together.
The car thing sounds contrived to me. The "house of old people" thing sounds contrived to me-- she has a room in a strange couple's house and he's going to what, camp out with these old people he doesn't know rather than stay in her room?
Of course I don't know if he is going to cheat or intends to. I do know you sound miserable and he sounds like a dismissive and immature partner. You also sound like your head is swimming and my gut tells me it's because he does not present you with straightforward information or respond to your concerns in a caring way. Can you take a break and see how you feel about the relationship with some distance?
posted by kapers at 10:24 AM on July 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
I agree you can't prevent someone from cheating or dictate their friendships but I don't think this is what OP intends to do. I think it's more about his lack of respect for her wishes and boundaries. OP, you're allowed not to feel totally comfortable with this-- it's all about your own boundaries, your own relationship, your gut. No need to generalize about men and women hanging out, as we have the unique details of this case. It's HIS lack of respect and odd flimsy-sounding stories that make this inappropriate in my book. Not the general idea of a man and his ex spending time together.
The car thing sounds contrived to me. The "house of old people" thing sounds contrived to me-- she has a room in a strange couple's house and he's going to what, camp out with these old people he doesn't know rather than stay in her room?
Of course I don't know if he is going to cheat or intends to. I do know you sound miserable and he sounds like a dismissive and immature partner. You also sound like your head is swimming and my gut tells me it's because he does not present you with straightforward information or respond to your concerns in a caring way. Can you take a break and see how you feel about the relationship with some distance?
posted by kapers at 10:24 AM on July 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Just as a matter of perspective, told my husband about your situation. My husband is hella trusting and awesome and think the best of people-ish. His response was "Jesus Christ, she needs to walk away from that guy." And that was before I even got to the whole "Her car is apparently broken so now the dude is planning to drive 6 hours to see said ex, and plans to sleep over at her house." BEFORE. Then once I told him about the whole "car doesn't work" 6 hour drive thing he said "Sounds like that guy is absolutely going to cheat on her."
Consensus in the McSockerson household seems to be that sleepovers with exes is not cool and that you should walk.
Take that however you want.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:25 AM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Consensus in the McSockerson household seems to be that sleepovers with exes is not cool and that you should walk.
Take that however you want.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:25 AM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Also, what type of "rant" are we talking about? Extreme anger toward women, especially an ex, has NEVER been a good sign in a partner in my experience.
posted by kapers at 10:25 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by kapers at 10:25 AM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
How would you feel?
I would feel the refreshing whoosh of the air conditioning on my butt and the hot sun on my face as the door slammed shut behind me.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:29 AM on July 28, 2016 [20 favorites]
I would feel the refreshing whoosh of the air conditioning on my butt and the hot sun on my face as the door slammed shut behind me.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:29 AM on July 28, 2016 [20 favorites]
And just so you know, the heartache and pain of breaking up with him will be real and sucky, but I eighty billion thousand percent promise you it will be nothing compared to the heartache and pain staying in a bad relationship will cause, not to mention the very real damage to your feelings of self worth, self confidence, attractiveness, and trust in your instincts. The longer you let this relationship that CLEARLY isn't working for you continue, the harder it will be.
Even if this guy isn't planning to cheat on you, even if he never cheats on you, this STILL isn't a healthy relationship for you. You aren't a good match. You may love him, he may love you, but it can still be the wrong match.
You're young and have so much ahead of you. Don't settle for a relationship that you hope will end up okay. Don't waste time being in a relationship that doesn't feel right, that leaves you anxious and upset. Don't settle for "He's great except..." people.
You're amazing and awesome.
You deserve a relationship that doesn't make you feel worse about yourself.
You deserve a relationship that isn't so filled with stress and upset and questions.
That relationship exists for you. It just isn't this guy.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:35 AM on July 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
Even if this guy isn't planning to cheat on you, even if he never cheats on you, this STILL isn't a healthy relationship for you. You aren't a good match. You may love him, he may love you, but it can still be the wrong match.
You're young and have so much ahead of you. Don't settle for a relationship that you hope will end up okay. Don't waste time being in a relationship that doesn't feel right, that leaves you anxious and upset. Don't settle for "He's great except..." people.
You're amazing and awesome.
You deserve a relationship that doesn't make you feel worse about yourself.
You deserve a relationship that isn't so filled with stress and upset and questions.
That relationship exists for you. It just isn't this guy.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:35 AM on July 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
It doesn't matter whether he understands your feelings or not. You've told him you don't like it, and he's doing it anyway. He doesn't care about your feelings. DTMFA and find someone who cares about your feelings. Because this will not get better over time, it will get worse.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:38 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:38 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
You're mad because he wants to have sex with her. You're confused because he's lying about it.
I know relationships are work... but how much work should they be?
A little bit for both people. Right now you're doing all the work. That's why you're tired.
posted by French Fry at 10:39 AM on July 28, 2016 [17 favorites]
I know relationships are work... but how much work should they be?
A little bit for both people. Right now you're doing all the work. That's why you're tired.
posted by French Fry at 10:39 AM on July 28, 2016 [17 favorites]
As has been noted above, what really matters is how you feel about all of this, not how we would. How you feel is uncomfortable and worn out, and this early in the relationship that's not so great. I think you should walk away. It's unrealistic to expect relationships to always be easy, and any one that lasts long enough is probably going to get downright hard at some point, but you shouldn't be this worn out this early.
That said, since you're asking: Personally? The camping thing wouldn't bother me at all, and in fact I would appreciate that the other person felt they could be honest with me about what was bothering them. And the initial plan for the visiting ex wouldn't have bothered me. But the constant shifting plan, where you say "here's what would make me comfortable" and he says "okay...but...what if instead THIS?" Multiple times now? That sounds like some kind of exhausting whack-a-mole boundary-testing thing and I think you would not be at all unreasonable to say "the way this whole thing has gone down has made me really uncomfortable. It would mean a lot to me if you would cancel this trip to give us some time to talk through my discomfort and and try to figure out how you can remain in touch with your friend-and-ex in a way that works for both of us." The response to that would probably tell you quite a bit and might make your decision to walk away or not an easier one.
posted by Stacey at 10:40 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
That said, since you're asking: Personally? The camping thing wouldn't bother me at all, and in fact I would appreciate that the other person felt they could be honest with me about what was bothering them. And the initial plan for the visiting ex wouldn't have bothered me. But the constant shifting plan, where you say "here's what would make me comfortable" and he says "okay...but...what if instead THIS?" Multiple times now? That sounds like some kind of exhausting whack-a-mole boundary-testing thing and I think you would not be at all unreasonable to say "the way this whole thing has gone down has made me really uncomfortable. It would mean a lot to me if you would cancel this trip to give us some time to talk through my discomfort and and try to figure out how you can remain in touch with your friend-and-ex in a way that works for both of us." The response to that would probably tell you quite a bit and might make your decision to walk away or not an easier one.
posted by Stacey at 10:40 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I see a future with him and he sees a future with me. We talk about how we think the relationship has long term potential.
Then this means he's showing you what a future with him will be like -- it will be like this. He is doing the bare minimum to placate you / shut you up / make you doubt yourself so he is free to do what (and perhaps whom) he wants. When he lies in bed at night, his stomach isn't turning because he knows he's actively making you unhappy and is having a hard time living with it -- instead I'd bet good money that he's actually busy crafting what his "reason" will be when he gets there and announces to you that he's staying for two nights, not just one. On the callous-to-loving spectrum toward you, he is not choosing the loving side. At all.
He continued to insist that nothing would happen.
But something IS happening. It has already happened. It matters how your partner is choosing to invest their time and energy and thought and emotion. It matters how comfortable your partner is with your discomfort. He appears to be taking your present and your future together very much for granted -- if he's giving it much consideration at all.
He is incredibly kind
No.
I'm sorry. I know this is hard. Please know that those of us with the fiercest spidey-senses here have earned them the hard way, and please believe that you deserve love that is much, much more uplifting for you than this.
posted by argonauta at 10:54 AM on July 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
Then this means he's showing you what a future with him will be like -- it will be like this. He is doing the bare minimum to placate you / shut you up / make you doubt yourself so he is free to do what (and perhaps whom) he wants. When he lies in bed at night, his stomach isn't turning because he knows he's actively making you unhappy and is having a hard time living with it -- instead I'd bet good money that he's actually busy crafting what his "reason" will be when he gets there and announces to you that he's staying for two nights, not just one. On the callous-to-loving spectrum toward you, he is not choosing the loving side. At all.
He continued to insist that nothing would happen.
But something IS happening. It has already happened. It matters how your partner is choosing to invest their time and energy and thought and emotion. It matters how comfortable your partner is with your discomfort. He appears to be taking your present and your future together very much for granted -- if he's giving it much consideration at all.
He is incredibly kind
No.
I'm sorry. I know this is hard. Please know that those of us with the fiercest spidey-senses here have earned them the hard way, and please believe that you deserve love that is much, much more uplifting for you than this.
posted by argonauta at 10:54 AM on July 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
I see a future with him and he sees a future with me. We talk about how we think the relationship has long term potential.
Oh yeah also, dudes like this guy LOVE to spin fond tales of the future for you. Because it is like literally the easiest thing in the world to do. It's so fun! The payoff for them in emotional goodfeels is huge! And it requires no actual effort or investment on their part! And! And it convinces you to forgive all of their stupid bullshit because they're obviously SO SRS about you.
You know how a guy who *actually* sees a future with you behaves? By clearly demonstrating that you and your feelings are his top priority. Which is super fucking hard to do. It is not as simple as pretty words and cooing over houses you might someday (never) buy together. It isn't fun. It might involve giving up stuff he has previously felt entitled to, like ambiguous overnights with exes.
The guy who really sees a future with you is the one who steps up and does the hard shit.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:59 AM on July 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
Oh yeah also, dudes like this guy LOVE to spin fond tales of the future for you. Because it is like literally the easiest thing in the world to do. It's so fun! The payoff for them in emotional goodfeels is huge! And it requires no actual effort or investment on their part! And! And it convinces you to forgive all of their stupid bullshit because they're obviously SO SRS about you.
You know how a guy who *actually* sees a future with you behaves? By clearly demonstrating that you and your feelings are his top priority. Which is super fucking hard to do. It is not as simple as pretty words and cooing over houses you might someday (never) buy together. It isn't fun. It might involve giving up stuff he has previously felt entitled to, like ambiguous overnights with exes.
The guy who really sees a future with you is the one who steps up and does the hard shit.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:59 AM on July 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
Response by poster: Clarification: he's not driving six hours to help her with her car. She can't drive to him because of her car problems, so she invited him to her place.
posted by Amy93 at 11:16 AM on July 28, 2016
posted by Amy93 at 11:16 AM on July 28, 2016
It doesn't matter *why* he's driving 6 hours to see her. It's the fact that he *is* driving 6 hours to see her.
posted by Amy NM at 11:29 AM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Amy NM at 11:29 AM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Yes, I know. I posted that quickly as I was reading through the replies.
Thank you for all the responses. I have some thinking to do. First I need to see if he'll get r hotel... and then I can go from there.
posted by Amy93 at 11:38 AM on July 28, 2016
Thank you for all the responses. I have some thinking to do. First I need to see if he'll get r hotel... and then I can go from there.
posted by Amy93 at 11:38 AM on July 28, 2016
I find it fascinating how over the map the answers here are.
I personally consider it totally fine to rant, to a certain extent, about exes (heaven knows I've done it- yeah, I still have unresolved lack of closure feelings. Years later. Not reflecting romantic interest, which is totally dead, but just frustration with the utterly bizarre way the relationship ended). To me it's weird that's upsetting to you - and yet plenty of people felt that was the unacceptable thing here.
On the opposite side of the coin I would find sleeping over at an ex to be absolutely unacceptable - not only that, I find it pretty laughable that there are people in this thread describing that as "controlling", I'd consider it a basic assumption of respect towards the relationship, and I'd consider it a huge red flag if someone tried to guilt me about being "controlling" over it.
I think the lesson here is that different people have different basic, baseline expectations of what is acceptable and unacceptable, appropriate and inappropriate behavior in a relationship. And it sounds like you are discovering some things about your own standards, expectations, and red lines.
And I think you should respect what you discover about yourself. Your standards aren't crazy and unreasonable, and I think trying to force yourself to adopt someone else's standards is a recipe for unhappiness. There are men out there with the same baseline expectations as you have. Those men are probably a better, easier, more pleasant fit for you, because dating them won't be a constant clashing of expectations, negotiations, and compromises that leave no one happy.
posted by Cozybee at 11:40 AM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
I personally consider it totally fine to rant, to a certain extent, about exes (heaven knows I've done it- yeah, I still have unresolved lack of closure feelings. Years later. Not reflecting romantic interest, which is totally dead, but just frustration with the utterly bizarre way the relationship ended). To me it's weird that's upsetting to you - and yet plenty of people felt that was the unacceptable thing here.
On the opposite side of the coin I would find sleeping over at an ex to be absolutely unacceptable - not only that, I find it pretty laughable that there are people in this thread describing that as "controlling", I'd consider it a basic assumption of respect towards the relationship, and I'd consider it a huge red flag if someone tried to guilt me about being "controlling" over it.
I think the lesson here is that different people have different basic, baseline expectations of what is acceptable and unacceptable, appropriate and inappropriate behavior in a relationship. And it sounds like you are discovering some things about your own standards, expectations, and red lines.
And I think you should respect what you discover about yourself. Your standards aren't crazy and unreasonable, and I think trying to force yourself to adopt someone else's standards is a recipe for unhappiness. There are men out there with the same baseline expectations as you have. Those men are probably a better, easier, more pleasant fit for you, because dating them won't be a constant clashing of expectations, negotiations, and compromises that leave no one happy.
posted by Cozybee at 11:40 AM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
It doesn't matter that he wants to drive 6 hours to stay with an ex. In some relationships, that would be normal and fine; in others, not.
What matters is that a good partner listens to your feelings and validates them. A good partner never just "doesn't understand" why you're upset. They listen to your side and give it due consideration. They make it their number one priority to come up with a compromise that works for both of you, because they care about the life you are building together. They want to show they are trustworthy, not just say it.
And this guy is not being respectful of your emotions and needs. He's not listening. He's dismissing you. The foundation of a strong relationship is built when both people's needs are considered equally. I think staying with someone who dismisses you would be incredibly painful. You deserve better.
posted by capricorn at 12:00 PM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
What matters is that a good partner listens to your feelings and validates them. A good partner never just "doesn't understand" why you're upset. They listen to your side and give it due consideration. They make it their number one priority to come up with a compromise that works for both of you, because they care about the life you are building together. They want to show they are trustworthy, not just say it.
And this guy is not being respectful of your emotions and needs. He's not listening. He's dismissing you. The foundation of a strong relationship is built when both people's needs are considered equally. I think staying with someone who dismisses you would be incredibly painful. You deserve better.
posted by capricorn at 12:00 PM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
First I need to see if he'll get r hotel... and then I can go from there.
Really? You're not this guy's mom. Back off. You have expressed your feelings, right? You've said to him, "Look, I don't like this ex-girlfriend situation and you're not helping me at all feel good about these things." If you haven't been clear to him, now is your chance. But you have literally no control over where he sleeps or what he does six hours away. You'll only drive yourself nuts trying to control another person. You can be clear in your boundary line and then maintain it. Here's your 100% that I see: You want a monogamous relationship. You want your guy to be all-in with you in this relationship. You want your guy to respect your feelings and make good faith efforts to understand them and respond appropriately. Is he aware of this?
Here's what I see: Dude is having a hard time settling in with just one woman. It may be all in his head (likely is) or maybe he's keeping flirty contact with these women? They may be "just friends" but you don't throw over your current relationship for a friend. That shouldn't even be necessary.
Here's the deal, you make your boundary clear and then let the chips fall. You don't have to trust him if you don't trust him. You don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who makes you feel uneasy and untrusting. He can pine for his exes but you don't have to be there to listen.
posted by amanda at 12:02 PM on July 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
Really? You're not this guy's mom. Back off. You have expressed your feelings, right? You've said to him, "Look, I don't like this ex-girlfriend situation and you're not helping me at all feel good about these things." If you haven't been clear to him, now is your chance. But you have literally no control over where he sleeps or what he does six hours away. You'll only drive yourself nuts trying to control another person. You can be clear in your boundary line and then maintain it. Here's your 100% that I see: You want a monogamous relationship. You want your guy to be all-in with you in this relationship. You want your guy to respect your feelings and make good faith efforts to understand them and respond appropriately. Is he aware of this?
Here's what I see: Dude is having a hard time settling in with just one woman. It may be all in his head (likely is) or maybe he's keeping flirty contact with these women? They may be "just friends" but you don't throw over your current relationship for a friend. That shouldn't even be necessary.
Here's the deal, you make your boundary clear and then let the chips fall. You don't have to trust him if you don't trust him. You don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who makes you feel uneasy and untrusting. He can pine for his exes but you don't have to be there to listen.
posted by amanda at 12:02 PM on July 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
I really dreaded my ex-husband and I splitting up. I was exhausted. I was scared. I was kind of embarrassed. The day it ended, I spent the day at work wondering about going home, feeling sick and scared and wondering at the loneliness of it all.
I came home from work, turned on music, made myself dinner, drank wine, talked to my pets, flicked through the New Yorker, and enjoyed the first of some of the best nights of my life. I still remember that time with great fondness.
I had no idea how miserable and exhausting it was to keep hanging on to this cruddy relationship when I could have been experiencing actual peace and contentment. I was in my mid-thirties and had that 'omg now or never' graspiness going on, so that was part of it, but really I think I just kind of dully knew it sucked but thought it would suck worse to end it.
I was wrong.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:17 PM on July 28, 2016 [36 favorites]
I came home from work, turned on music, made myself dinner, drank wine, talked to my pets, flicked through the New Yorker, and enjoyed the first of some of the best nights of my life. I still remember that time with great fondness.
I had no idea how miserable and exhausting it was to keep hanging on to this cruddy relationship when I could have been experiencing actual peace and contentment. I was in my mid-thirties and had that 'omg now or never' graspiness going on, so that was part of it, but really I think I just kind of dully knew it sucked but thought it would suck worse to end it.
I was wrong.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:17 PM on July 28, 2016 [36 favorites]
Thank you for all the responses. I have some thinking to do. First I need to see if he'll get r hotel... and then I can go from there.
Best of luck to you, OP. But I dunno...my guess is, all the hotels in the world aren't going to solve the fundamental issue here, which is that this dude is not actually a good boyfriend for you. If he's your age, he's probably not a good boyfriend for anyone. People in their very early 20s by and large aren't good at relationships yet. You aren't, either, by your own admission! But you came to folks who have been there, done that, to see what you can learn to remedy your inexperience. Do you think he's bothering to do the same?
When you're 23 and in your first serious relationship it always feels like you cannot possibly let it end. Except that it always does. Honestly, even if it doesn't, it does--every relationship ends, it's just that some of them end when someone dies. But that isn't a lesson MeFi can teach you--it's one most people can only learn the exceedingly hard way.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:32 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best of luck to you, OP. But I dunno...my guess is, all the hotels in the world aren't going to solve the fundamental issue here, which is that this dude is not actually a good boyfriend for you. If he's your age, he's probably not a good boyfriend for anyone. People in their very early 20s by and large aren't good at relationships yet. You aren't, either, by your own admission! But you came to folks who have been there, done that, to see what you can learn to remedy your inexperience. Do you think he's bothering to do the same?
When you're 23 and in your first serious relationship it always feels like you cannot possibly let it end. Except that it always does. Honestly, even if it doesn't, it does--every relationship ends, it's just that some of them end when someone dies. But that isn't a lesson MeFi can teach you--it's one most people can only learn the exceedingly hard way.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:32 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I too remember your username. And here's the thing - relationships shouldn't make you feel this way. They shouldn't move too fast in the beginning. They shouldn't make you feel super anxious like you are. They shouldn't make you question your sanity.
People are telling you to dump this guy because we KNOW this guy. We've dated this guy. I know I dated a guy like this. He rushed things and all of a sudden it was all this talk about our future and getting married and yada yada. Well, his actions didn't match up - EVER!
So look at this guys actions, not what he said. As shared above - he can say anything he wants and "playing house" with his words are SO fun for him. Because it keeps you around.
This guy's actions are sketchy as hell. He's ignoring you. He's driving SIX hours to see his ex conveniently after agreeing for her to stay in a hotel how he "has" to stay at her place. You've asked far too many questions about this dude to stay around. Seriously. When he's gone it will be SO MUCH BETTER!
posted by Crystalinne at 2:06 PM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
People are telling you to dump this guy because we KNOW this guy. We've dated this guy. I know I dated a guy like this. He rushed things and all of a sudden it was all this talk about our future and getting married and yada yada. Well, his actions didn't match up - EVER!
So look at this guys actions, not what he said. As shared above - he can say anything he wants and "playing house" with his words are SO fun for him. Because it keeps you around.
This guy's actions are sketchy as hell. He's ignoring you. He's driving SIX hours to see his ex conveniently after agreeing for her to stay in a hotel how he "has" to stay at her place. You've asked far too many questions about this dude to stay around. Seriously. When he's gone it will be SO MUCH BETTER!
posted by Crystalinne at 2:06 PM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
If this hasn't been a very long relationship, I'd cut my losses and dump him. Not gonna lie, its gonna hurt like fuck for awhile, and you'll be in agony wondering if you made the right choice, but if you stick with it – you'll come out okay
I'm sure this guy has a lot of stuff going for him (peeps rarely fully suck), but for you, at this point in both of your lives, he kind of just seems to be generating a lot of future baggage for you. This is exactly the kinda stuff you don't want to drag into your next relationship(s). seriously. you don't want to carry all this shit around for years and years. if he fails to see how much all of this garbage hurts you, thats pretty lazy boyfriending on his part. You seem to be doing the lion's share of everything.
posted by speakeasy at 2:15 PM on July 28, 2016
I'm sure this guy has a lot of stuff going for him (peeps rarely fully suck), but for you, at this point in both of your lives, he kind of just seems to be generating a lot of future baggage for you. This is exactly the kinda stuff you don't want to drag into your next relationship(s). seriously. you don't want to carry all this shit around for years and years. if he fails to see how much all of this garbage hurts you, thats pretty lazy boyfriending on his part. You seem to be doing the lion's share of everything.
posted by speakeasy at 2:15 PM on July 28, 2016
Clarification: he's not driving six hours to help her with her car. She can't drive to him because of her car problems, so she invited him to her place.
Amy, that was probably my fault, so my apologies for the disrail. Most of my comment stands, however, with one distinction: he is the one who isn't ready to be in a relationship, and that's what you're reacting against. Again, trust that instinct.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 3:18 PM on July 28, 2016
Amy, that was probably my fault, so my apologies for the disrail. Most of my comment stands, however, with one distinction: he is the one who isn't ready to be in a relationship, and that's what you're reacting against. Again, trust that instinct.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 3:18 PM on July 28, 2016
He's trying everything he can to get back with his ex. He was enjoying being with you in the meantime. Sorry, it sucks. He might not end up getting back with his ex, but there's no way it's going to benefit you doing anything other than moving on and finding someone who only wants you.
posted by tillsbury at 3:55 PM on July 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by tillsbury at 3:55 PM on July 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
If you continue to press, he's probably going to tell you he's getting a hotel room, and you'll doubt him because after all this draining back-and-forthing you're right to be wary, and then it will be your fault for not trusting him. (It'll be, do you need to see the credit card receipt or what, I feel like I'm on trial, but really, even if he actually makes the reservation who knows if he'll use that room, much less by his lonesome.)
And so on and so forth. I agree with everyone above who wrote that it's not about staying over at this woman's place, it's about how lousy he's treating you.
You're only four months in. This guy (no guy) is worth this amount of self-doubt, headache, and heartache.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:12 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
And so on and so forth. I agree with everyone above who wrote that it's not about staying over at this woman's place, it's about how lousy he's treating you.
You're only four months in. This guy (no guy) is worth this amount of self-doubt, headache, and heartache.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:12 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Your feelings are valid. You have the right to feel upset and uncomfortable with this. Your feelings are not "strange" or wrong.
Your boyfriend isn't listening to you, isn't willing to compromise, and even worse than that, he's making you question your own feelings and wonder if you're being irrational or not. You are not being irrational. He's acting selfishly and you don't have to put up with someone completely disregarding your feelings in this way.
posted by a strong female character at 8:05 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Your boyfriend isn't listening to you, isn't willing to compromise, and even worse than that, he's making you question your own feelings and wonder if you're being irrational or not. You are not being irrational. He's acting selfishly and you don't have to put up with someone completely disregarding your feelings in this way.
posted by a strong female character at 8:05 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
And to add to that: I let my husband cheat on me because I thought he was "so kind" and couldn't believe he would actually be that disrespectful to me. Even though all of his behavior proved otherwise. Don't be me. You deserve to feel respected and heard.
posted by a strong female character at 8:10 PM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 8:10 PM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Hello! I'm late to this thread, but wanted to say -- I literally *moved in* with my ex, because we're pals and it was a cool living arrangement. My partner *not once* gave me any hell about it -- it was so moving to be this unconditionally trusted. His emotional generosity and trust are something I will forever treasure, and it made me love him all the more. Only you know if you boyfriend can be trusted. It sounds like your gut is saying "no" -- this is actually the thing to feel more worried about, imho.
posted by crawfo at 4:39 AM on July 29, 2016
posted by crawfo at 4:39 AM on July 29, 2016
Even if he does tell you he booked a hotel room to placate you, why would you trust that he would actually sleep there? Or that he will sleep there alone.
I'm going to stay it again - breaking up sucks, but the pain of a breakup is infinitely less than the long, drawn out pain and anxiety and damage to your person that staying in a bad relationship causes. Regardless of whether or not he is planning on cheating on you (and I truly suspect that he IS planning on cheating on you), he still doesn't have respect for your boundaries or feelings. He is still putting other people's feelings way way WAY ahead of yours. He is still absolutely 100% okay with doing things that are upsetting to you, and they are things that would upset the majority of people. He is still someone who maintains a level of contact with exes that you aren't comfortable with. He is still someone who doesn't make you feel valued or important.
Him booking every hotel room in the country isn't going to change any of that.
He is still someone who is clearly okay risking his relationship with you to be able to see his ex. Seriously, he knows this is upsetting to you and an issue, yet he continues to pursue it with bizarre intensity. If he has a brain in his head, he has to know that this is putting a major strain on your relationship and putting it in jeopardy, but that is not deterring him in the slightest.
Reread your question as though a close friend of yours had written it. What advice would you give them?
If you decide to not break up with him, you may want to be hyper vigilant about using protection. Not just because you don't want to get pregnant by this guy, but because there is every reason to suspect he is getting his bread buttered by other people, and you don't want to put yourself at risk of STDs.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:36 AM on July 29, 2016 [13 favorites]
I'm going to stay it again - breaking up sucks, but the pain of a breakup is infinitely less than the long, drawn out pain and anxiety and damage to your person that staying in a bad relationship causes. Regardless of whether or not he is planning on cheating on you (and I truly suspect that he IS planning on cheating on you), he still doesn't have respect for your boundaries or feelings. He is still putting other people's feelings way way WAY ahead of yours. He is still absolutely 100% okay with doing things that are upsetting to you, and they are things that would upset the majority of people. He is still someone who maintains a level of contact with exes that you aren't comfortable with. He is still someone who doesn't make you feel valued or important.
Him booking every hotel room in the country isn't going to change any of that.
He is still someone who is clearly okay risking his relationship with you to be able to see his ex. Seriously, he knows this is upsetting to you and an issue, yet he continues to pursue it with bizarre intensity. If he has a brain in his head, he has to know that this is putting a major strain on your relationship and putting it in jeopardy, but that is not deterring him in the slightest.
Reread your question as though a close friend of yours had written it. What advice would you give them?
If you decide to not break up with him, you may want to be hyper vigilant about using protection. Not just because you don't want to get pregnant by this guy, but because there is every reason to suspect he is getting his bread buttered by other people, and you don't want to put yourself at risk of STDs.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:36 AM on July 29, 2016 [13 favorites]
Well, you don't trust him. Unless you have a long history of not trusting people, you probably have a good reason for that. Unfortunately it might be a "gut" reason and not one you have neat bundle of documented evidence for.
Listen to your gut. None of us is dating this guy, you are. If you feel "off" about all this and it's wearing you out then please listen to those reactions and act accordingly. It does seem, from reading your posts, that he disregards your feelings. For goodness sake don't YOU start disregarding them too!
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 5:33 AM on August 2, 2016
Listen to your gut. None of us is dating this guy, you are. If you feel "off" about all this and it's wearing you out then please listen to those reactions and act accordingly. It does seem, from reading your posts, that he disregards your feelings. For goodness sake don't YOU start disregarding them too!
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 5:33 AM on August 2, 2016
Response by poster: Final update: he got the hotel. He stayed one night, checked in with me a few times while he was there, then told me about the weekend, in detail (on the phone), while he was driving back.
We're doing well. Maybe it's naive but nothing about how this ended up playing out made me feel like I couldn't trust him. I decided to take a wait and see approach with it after the fact, figuring if he were an untrustworthy cheater it would make itself obvious, with time. There's been nothing.
Just wanted to let people know that these situations can play out and turn out okay.
posted by Amy93 at 11:58 AM on August 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
We're doing well. Maybe it's naive but nothing about how this ended up playing out made me feel like I couldn't trust him. I decided to take a wait and see approach with it after the fact, figuring if he were an untrustworthy cheater it would make itself obvious, with time. There's been nothing.
Just wanted to let people know that these situations can play out and turn out okay.
posted by Amy93 at 11:58 AM on August 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Jubey at 5:53 AM on July 28, 2016 [74 favorites]