Finding closure on my own

July 28, 2016 3:49 AM

I'm obsessing over a former friend who ghosted me a long time ago and I need to figure out how to find closure on my own.

This issue is more about me than the friend, but here's some brief background:

Nearly a decade ago, I (female thirtysomething) was friendly with a man who moved away. We kept in touch via email. Some other friends and I visited him in his new town once. Some time later, he messaged me to say that he was back in our town for the weekend. I was really busy with work, but messaged back to say that I'd love to meet him the next day, though I'd have my boyfriend in tow (said boyfriend was staying with me at the time and I wasn't about to leave him at my place on his own while I went out).

I never heard from my friend again.

I emailed him twice over the next few months but received no reply and I figured he no longer wanted contact with me. I was gutted but I had to let it go. For some reason, though, it really affected me and I've never forgotten it.

I recently got in touch with him on social media and we exchanged brief, friendly, noncommittal messages. I responded again with a question - a vague one, couched in lots of chat - about what the hell happened that weekend. I've received no reply.

I could write again with a clear and definite question (and probably still not receive a reply), but the weekend and ghosting was a long time ago and my obsession with it has nothing to do with him. It's clearly about me. How do I start to move on? I'm not going to get any answers from him I don't think, so I have to find my own form of closure. I really don't know where to start with this. I feel like I'm trying not to think of a white bear, and it's not working.

posted by rubbish bin night to Human Relations (14 answers total)

It's not clear to me if you don't realize this or if you're intentionally ignoring it: it seems extremely likely to me that this friend had romantic feelings toward you that were thwarted when you said you would be bringing your boyfriend to your meeting.

Ghosting isn't the kindest thing to do, but I would bet a lot of money that he did it to protect himself because he was upset about the whole thing. If he isn't interested in talking to you now, it's either still raw for him, or perhaps the feelings have changed but he remains embarrassed about everything that happened (especially because I think most people would assume you realized how he felt).

You say this is clearly about you, but I think it is not. It seems clearly about this guy's complicated feelings. Would it help you feel like you have closure if you can acknowledge (to yourself -- not to him!) that ending the friendship was what he needed for his emotional health? You can know in your heart that you're doing him a favor by allowing him to remain no-contact and move on.
posted by telegraph at 3:53 AM on July 28, 2016 [44 favorites]

Seconding Telegraph. I've definitely had this happen too; and definitely had a few male friends sort of disappear when I got married.
posted by jrobin276 at 4:14 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

He likes/liked you, romantically. Bringing the boyfriend? Deal breaker.
posted by fixedgear at 4:52 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Trying *not* to think about someone is like trying not to scratch an insect bite or pick at a scab. You know you shouldn't, but it's so (briefly) satisfying and an impulse that leaps up on you before common sense can kick in.

The way I've dealt with this is to just refocus. If the person comes into mind, redirect, don't dwell on it. Do something else. Definitely stop pursuing this person on social media and hoping they'll come up with answers.

When they pop into your mind and you start to dwell on this, purposefully re-engage in something else. It will take a while.
posted by jzb at 4:57 AM on July 28, 2016

I think a better approach would be to examine why it's impacted you. Had that happened to me I would have brushed it off as stuff that happens when out-of-towers try to get together. Anything could have happened, maybe his Gran had a funny turn, maybe the wheels fell off his bike? Maybe he was intending amore and got thwarted by your beau, who knows? The bigger point is would any of those outcomes have made your response any different?

I'm asking because it sounds like you maybe think he may have been the one who got away because you did not know he had romantic inclinations. If so why not sit with that. If you're single now you can work up to seeing if the mutual interest remains.

If I'm barking up the wrong tree and you're just harbouring mortification-by-fear-of-unrealised-slight you may have to just let it ride. But recognise what's needling you first - that will help define the next steps to letting it go.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:20 AM on July 28, 2016

Response by poster: I'm floored by what now seems an obvious answer.

I have pretty low self esteem I guess so it never occurred to me.

He and I are now both married (to other people, obviously). In my case very happily, and with children.

I feel bad now. I really cared about this friend (it was a long time ago; I really don't know him now) and would never have wanted to hurt him. But I suppose I can't do anything about it now without seeming completely unhinged? And that wouldn't actually be the way forward to me finding closure for myself, without his assistance.
posted by rubbish bin night at 5:28 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

You can't really do anything about it now. But even if you could, remember that what seems for you like a fresh wound (since you've just now realized that there was a wound at all) is for him probably an old faint scar.

And you don't need to feel bad about it. You did have a boyfriend, letting him know you had a boyfriend was the right thing to do, and he couldn't help being embarrassed about the situation ... and even if you knew, what were you going to do? Dump your boyfriend? You didn't do anything wrong, it was just one of those awkward things that happens in life. I'm sure he realized that.
posted by bunderful at 5:36 AM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]

As to the closure, perhaps some sort of ritual like writing a letter and burning it, might be helpful.
posted by freethefeet at 6:47 AM on July 28, 2016

if you give the above time to sink in, you might find it brings closure as it is. you have a reason that makes sense.
posted by andrewcooke at 7:19 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: This may not be as applicable for you now, but in a different "friend-ghosting" situation I finally moved on when I mostly convinced myself that it was Likely not about me, but about the other person. I knew I had not intended any harm, certainly, so I had to hope I had not intentionally hurt that person.

Years later my friend got back in touch, having gotten help for their depression (and shame at the ghosting) to say they missed me and they were sorry. It's helped me to see that, indeed, the usual advice to figure situations like these are something about the other person, not you, is correct.

So maybe work on your own self-esteem issues to move on? Like start noting the ways in which you're a kind person, or capable, or what-have-you. It could help you overall.
posted by ldthomps at 8:01 AM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I feel bad now. I really cared about this friend (it was a long time ago; I really don't know him now) and would never have wanted to hurt him. But I suppose I can't do anything about it now without seeming completely unhinged? And that wouldn't actually be the way forward to me finding closure for myself, without his assistance.

Well I feel bad now, because after I posted my first comment I thought to myself, "I really should have emphasized how much this was completely not OP's fault," but instead I got on the bus.

Anyway, it is never your fault if you don't or can't return someone's affections. Affection is only affection if it is freely given. It is unfortunate that your friend most likely had unrequited feelings for you, but they were never communicated to you, and even if you had known, you acted in the very best way possible given that. Instead of blindsiding him by showing up with a new boyfriend in tow, you very politely let him know in advance the boyfriend would be there. That was really the best you could have done in the moment even with perfect information.

For me the best way forward would be to remind myself that it is not and was not my fault, and that he has moved on and is happily married now. Whatever happened in the past did not ruin his life, and if he ghosted it was for self protection, an end that he seems to have achieved.
posted by telegraph at 8:46 AM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I feel bad now. I really cared about this friend (it was a long time ago; I really don't know him now) and would never have wanted to hurt him.

I would advise being cautious with this narrative. Because yes, there's the movie trope where his heart was so broken by this event that he could never fully love again and resents you for being so cruel...

...and then there's the more unpleasant real life possibility that he believed he had a right to you, did not actually ever want just a friendship with you, and is angry that you denied him a thing to which he was entitled. And that is why he is not interested in a friendship with you now.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:00 PM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Alternate/simultaneous theory: he flaked (for some reason) on that weekend and hasn't really forgiven himself for being a flake, so he decided that since he was an irredeemable bad friend, it was easier to avoid you (and his shame) than to resolve the issue.

I have definitely done this shit when my anxiety was out of control and have lost/damaged friendships as a result. However the issue has always been me, not my friend - normally I miss the friend deeply but am stuck in my own sad place.
posted by samthemander at 12:42 PM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Came here to post an almost identical question. Now I'm thinking its a sign. Thank you.
posted by luckyme793 at 7:53 PM on August 2, 2016