Seeking small ways to practice gratitude and generosity

July 24, 2016 3:51 PM

What are some little things that you do to express gratitude for / generosity toward people around you, like friends, loved ones, or colleagues, that don't require too much time or money?

After spending a long time focusing inward on self-care, I feel like I am in a pretty good place and one of my goals at the moment is to find ways to practice greater generosity toward and gratitude for the people in my life (particularly friends, loved ones, and colleagues, since I think generosity toward strangers is well covered by this question, but further suggestions for, e.g., my bus driver I see everyday would also be welcome).

I'm aware of practices like making a mental/written "gratitude list" at the end of every day, but I am wondering what ideas others might have for small gestures that express these things outward to others. For example, one of my colleagues is a phenomenal thank-you-note writer; she writes them for things that it would never occur to me to thank someone for, such as helping her out with some small problem at work, and it's a small gesture that is so very touching and appreciated. Despite my admiration for this practice, I have felt so busy over the past few years that I've never actually emulated my friend in this, but now that I have some more free time, I would like to try it. Or, as another example, a friend of mine consistently brings in leftovers from his delicious home-cooked dinners to give away/share at lunchtime (we are a workplace of hungry students so this is deeply appreciated by all); I've spent a long time in great financial stress where I am always thinking "OK, I can stretch the leftovers from dinner to 3 more lunches this week" but am now in a place where it is possible, and I think would feel good, to maybe share that food with others instead. Since I am out of the habit, though, these ideas don't spontaneously occur to me and I think it would be good for me to find small ways to consciously practice. Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

posted by Owl of Athena to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Best answer: I've been working on, whenever I think fondly of someone, to just send them a quick text saying, hey, thinking fondly of you. It takes very little time or effort and can be done instantaneously, and it's easy for it to become habitual, so that might be good as a first step?
posted by ITheCosmos at 3:59 PM on July 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Say please and thank you. (Maybe you already do.)
Start small. Don't think you have to bring lunch, just bring some bagels, or similar.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:23 PM on July 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

Write detailed thank you notes (mailed cards are great; emails or Facebook messages are fine too). A couple specific sentences about what they did and why you appreciated it can be really powerful.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:23 PM on July 24, 2016

Best answer: further suggestions for, e.g., my bus driver I see everyday would also be welcome).

For this kind of thing I'm really big on telling them I'm going to let the proper supervisors know what a good job they're doing. In fact, yesterday I dropped a note online about a great bus driver I had. Earlier in the day I grabbed lunch at Carl's Jr fast food restaurant for the first time in years. The details aren't important, but the kid that helped me did a nice thing, so when I saw comment cards on the table I filled one out and mentioned it. The manager was thrilled to get it (who ever fills those out?!) and the kid was beaming. (And I do mean kid; he was probably in high school.)

With such a horrible job market out there I think it makes a difference, especially because it's a thing that most people don't usually do. It's not fancy or elaborate, but I've made this one of my things. It's important to follow through, though.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:33 PM on July 24, 2016 [19 favorites]

Best answer: Take a look at Construcive Living, which advises doing a good deed anonymously every day. Picking up trash in the street, cleaning up in the office, etc.
https://www.amazon.com/Constructive-Living-Kolowalu-Books-Paperback/dp/0824808711
posted by Ideefixe at 4:45 PM on July 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

If someone did really well on something at work tell their supervisor, especially folks below you on the food chain. Not "Zoe helped me photocopy some stuff," but "Zoe helped me out with a sticky wicket on Tuesday. She really had some good ideas and her analysis was spot on. [briefly provide specifics]"

And yes! Fill out customer surveys!!!! If you appreciated the service pleeeease complete the survey and praise the employee. I work in retail and for us the feedback goes to employees' managers and they definitely use it when evaluating employees. If you are filling out a survey after bad service, be specific: "Steve mostly mumbled and never made eye contact with me" vs. "Steve helped me he was a turd ugh."

Ask people you don't usually talk to at work how their day is/how their weekend was. Follow up with a friend the day after an interview/date they are really excited about. If you don't usually remember this stuff set a calendar reminder.
posted by good lorneing at 4:53 PM on July 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

Smile when you see them. You like this person and appreciate having them in your life. Let it show when you first see them. Allow your whole face to light up, let your teeth show and say their name like you are happy to see them. :) Bob! If you feel like it, add a little compliment "My favorite bus driver" "What a great tie"(if it is a great tie, don't lie). But really, just a warm, genuine, knock your socks off smile can make someone's day.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:53 PM on July 24, 2016

Best answer: Fruit! Every year my Dad would drive several hours to Rocky Ford to pick up cantalope, fresh from the field, and bring them back for friends, neighbours and co-workers. Now I do the same with peaches. Well, I don't drive for hours, I pick them up at a roadside stand from a farmer who brings truckloads in and cuts out the middleman. Still, it seems to go over well. People still remember my Dad for it and that was back in the 60's and 70's.
posted by BoscosMom at 5:06 PM on July 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: One thing I have been doing is verbalising my feelings about those things. So when a friend takes time out of their life to talk with me and give me advice, I make sure to thank them, specifically, for that time and advice. It's like the gratitude version of a proper apology - "Thank you for grabbing coffee/talking/sending the email/sharing the article, it was really helpful/useful/interesting, and I applied it/thought about it a lot/appreciated it."

It does surprise people, but I also find people really like being told they were right/useful/helpful/kind. Works for friends, colleagues, kids, everyone.

If I am making certain dishes I try and share with friends who I know like those dishes, or if I have milk to use make pancakes to take to work.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:25 PM on July 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Letting people know you enjoyed your time with them. "It was really great to see you. I'm so glad we made time for this." sorts of things. As people get older and their lives get busy, making time for social time is often at least a small amount of work. Let people know you enjoyed yourself (assuming you did) and that you are happy they made the effort (if you did).

Also noting if someone does something that plays to their strengths "You always know what to do in situations like this" or "I wanted to know what you thought because you've given me great advice in the past" Sincere compliments that are not just based on looks/achievement but just all around "You're a good person and I am happy to know you" sorts of things.

I also second nice handwritten thank you notes, even if they're short. When I interact with the facebook happy birthday machine I try to say a few words about why I am happy this person is in my life. Just generally if you are feeling like you are in a good place (and congrats, that is work!) helping people make space for whatever their own path is. Maybe they could use someone being forgiving when they make a minor mistake. Maybe they'd like someone to notice they made an effort with their outfit. Maybe they'd like someone else to pay for the first round. There are lots of low-stakes way to be gracious with other people that often just involve making the moment about them and not about you, it's a tough muscle to flex if it's been atrophying for a while, but once you get the hang of it you'll be wondering why you haven't been doing it all along.
posted by jessamyn at 7:55 PM on July 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

Even if they come from a mix, everyone looooovves baked goods.
posted by bendy at 9:11 PM on July 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Get to know the people in your life well enough to know what they need, and then give it to them in a way that you can. My grandmother was a brilliant country cook. She always kept track of what was going on in everyone's lives and remembered their favorite dishes. When anyone was down, she cooked their favorite dish. We had one Thanksgiving where she made chicken and dumplings along with all the traditional food and two of my cousins, who were both going through a rough patch and who both loved her chicken and dumplings, argued briefly over who she cooked them for. She pointed out that she had made a larger amount than usual and they should just hush. She would also slip money into people's pockets and purses if she knew they were going through a rough time. I've heard stories about people finding money out of the blue and then realizing that she was the only one who could have done it. She was poor, by the way.

The key is to get to know the people around you well enough to serve their needs. Some people would see a thoughtfully written thank you note as a waste of paper but a candy bar handed to them at 2:00 in the afternoon as the most wonderful gift in the world. Don't give to make yourself feel better or look good, give because you love the people in your life enough to want to see them happy.
posted by myselfasme at 5:38 AM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

Take time to observe the people around you in a curious, affirmative way. Being aware what people might be doing and predicting what their next actions will be means that you can make interacting with them smoother. For example if you share an office with someone and see that they are printing a newsletter, you can then predict that they might want the space to sort and collate it, so you can arrange to clear the counter before they want it. Just observing people and figuring out what they are doing in advance can make things go really smoothly and make them happy.

Try to be positive. When work is handed out people often grumble. It can make a huge difference if you say that you are pleased to be given work. So for example, let's say the house chores just got split up and you and one other person got stuck with the dishes - Saying that you are glad you now get to spend some time with the other person, and that getting to spend that time makes it a pleasure to do the dishes, can turn an annoying chore into a rise in self esteem and a feeling of being productive. It also makes life much easier for anyone who has to allocate the work.

Make eye contact and brighten up a tiny bit when you see people. Another game I play with strangers is making just enough eye contact and putting on just enough expression to lure them into smiling in response. But it is even more important for the people you spend time with a speak to every day.

Today there was a guy starting his motor cycle in his driveway and I noticed that the bike was not making a horrible ear-splitting grumble, but purring. I appreciated that so I called "Cool Bike!" Positive feedback for someone who doesn't feel they need to be noisy to be noticed. There are a lot of good things that you can see around you when you are with people - good parenting, courage, style, tenacity - even if you can't always say anything you can look it. This is where the observing and being curious comes in. Ask yourself: What did this person do that made my life better? What is this person's best quality? What makes this person beautiful?

When you are doing something for yourself - going to the store, running a load of laundry, preparing a sandwich, emptying your wastebasket - take a second to ask if you can do something for them at the same time. Your self nurturing can be expanding to nurture other people this way.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:49 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Do you live near drive-thru coffee?

I love paying it forward at the drive-thru... just pay for the person behind you. They often will do the same for the next person! And then it starts a fun chain of kindness!

(I do this when I wake up in a poisonous mood. As soon as I pay for the person's coffee behind me, I feel like I've done some good and I feel immediately better)
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:02 AM on July 25, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: You might set aside one Sunday evening per month (people tend not to have plans and be dreading the restart of the work/school week) to invite people to a casual dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy -- a chili or curry or pasta dinner and a salad or vegetable. Students tend to have potluck dinners for cost reasons, so it feels like an extravagance to be invited to a dinner where you don't have to bring anything.
posted by *s at 8:36 AM on July 25, 2016

Best answer: I notice that when I am in a checkout lane at CVS or the grocery store, both the cashier and I only look at the screens or keypad or bags -- never at each other. So I often force myself to slow down and actually make eye contact when I thank them.

BTW, you're awesome for wanting to do this. Thanks for making the world a little better!
posted by wenestvedt at 8:41 AM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I bring in snacks for my coworkers every now and then. I have a wonderful team. A while back we threw our boss a Minnesota-themed party when he retired (thank you, AskMe!) and he was so happy that we went to that effort. It was all the little things that he commented on and appreciated. From that experience, I learned that while we went all out with a party, what really meant a lot was what we went to the effort to learn about a place that he really loves. You can do this in small ways with people that you have gratitude for and it doesn't have to cost a lot. Like if you have a friend who loves to spend time with their kids more than anything, a small gift card to the zoo or something that they can experience would be a nice thank-you for something your friend did for you. Starbucks is great, but when you personalize a gift card it can be even more meaningful beyond the "thank-you." It shows that you pay attention.
posted by onecircleaday at 4:24 PM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you for all these great suggestions! They are all great but I favorited a few that are cool ideas that would have never occurred to me - I am excited to try them out right away.
posted by Owl of Athena at 11:19 AM on July 26, 2016

This has been my favourite way to exercise my gratitude muscles lately: Stop saying ’sorry’ if you want to say thank you.
posted by kitkatcathy at 12:55 PM on July 26, 2016

From an anonymous Mefite:

There's one work-specific thing I just remembered. I was once in charge of an enormous project related to the Oscars, starting with the announcement of the nominees, which happens at 5:00am local time. My team had to come in during the middle of the night to prepare, so a week earlier I went to a trophy shop and bought Oscar look-a-like trophies with custom plaques with their name and "Best Developer." They were on their desks when they came in and I think it successfully showed my appreciation in a thoughtful way that wasn't just a one-time/one-use gag gift. Also, super corny, like me.

This is obviously a very specific idea but could be adapted, and also it was not given in lieu of actual cash money compensation or bonuses.

posted by LobsterMitten at 1:09 PM on July 26, 2016

Best answer: Addendum to my answer above: when I get good customer service on the phone, especially from a company that is notoriously bad, I will complete the customer satisfaction phone survey if the CSR asks me to and I'm still available to use the phone. I just got a fantastic resolution to an issue with Time Warner Cable (I know!) and the woman asked me to complete it so I will. It really just takes a minute or two. (And I don't know if this is always true, but I was once told it's better to select 9 rather than 10, because sometime 10 can register as 1 in the system.)
posted by Room 641-A at 11:12 PM on July 26, 2016