What, exactly, am I sending comfort into?
July 14, 2016 11:00 AM   Subscribe

A very close friend's wife is in detox for alcohol abuse. Again. He's on his own, dealing with a stressful job in a toxic workplace and two kids who are on summer vacation. He and I don't get much time to talk each day, just a few sentences here and there. I want to be as supportive/comforting/distracting as possible during those brief chats, but my curiosity/lack of context for what the family is going through gets in the way of being present.

I know the experience differs from facility to facility and family to family, but I want to have insight into the range of what my friend and his family might be going through.

What's it like to have a spouse (or parent) in detox? What's it like to be in detox? What might come next?

Most importantly, besides listening, being available, and following comfort-in/dump-out, what can I do to be supportive of my friend (if I can't physically be there to help)?
posted by itesser to Human Relations (6 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Most importantly, besides listening, being available, and following comfort-in/dump-out, what can I do to be supportive of my friend

In WW2, they sent special magazines to the troops that lacked icky advertising. The troops complained. They wanted a taste of normal life from back home, including the ads.

When I was largely housebound and my health crisis, including drug withdrawal, was basically my entire world, talking to friends and listening to them talk about their totally normal life with normal activities and normal problems was one of the most wonderful things. It helped me believe that normality still existed and could be gotten back to, someday. It hasn't ceased to exist just because it couldn't be found in my life.

Just talk to them like a normal person about normal life, warts and all.

Best.
posted by Michele in California at 11:20 AM on July 14, 2016 [23 favorites]


Most people I know with loved ones in rehab feel relief. I know I did. Because, even if it turns out to be temporary, for at least this moment you know they're safe. You don't have to worry about what they might be up to. So for now he probably feels tired (physically, emotionally, all of it), but also better in some ways than he has for a long time. He's also mad and probably feels guilty for being mad and, maybe above all, is scared about the future, and that's because of your third question, "What might come next?"

The truth is nobody knows. The uncertainty is horrible - but there is just no way of knowing. There's a reason 12-step programs use the slogan "one day at a time" - it's the only way to function early in sobriety, both as the alcoholic and the family member or friend. Maybe his wife will come home and go to AA meetings and stay sober. Maybe she'll go into a long-term rehab facility followed by a halfway house. Maybe she'll come out and get drunk right away. There's no way to know, and speculation will drive you crazy, so try not to focus on that for now.

As for what to do - you're doing the right things. I had a friend tell me recently that when she was going through a rough time in her life, her best friend would text and say, "I'm in the car with your favorite Starbucks drink, do you want me to leave it on the porch or ring the doorbell?" and she got to choose what she wanted, with no hard feelings. I love this idea. Let him know you're available and keep checking in - if you aren't physically close, a quick text message is fine - but make sure he understands it's cool if he doesn't respond.

If you want more context for how people in your friend's situation might be feeling, you could go to a couple of Al-Anon meetings. Anyone with a friend or family member who is an alcoholic qualifies. You don't have to talk; you can just sit and listen.
posted by something something at 11:20 AM on July 14, 2016 [9 favorites]


Practice pushing your curiosity/lack of context out of the way to be in the moment anyway. When you're in crisis (and, for me at least, even when I'm not) the voracious curiosity of some of my very best friends is exhausting. I don't want to explain anything because that takes time away from just being. Enjoying my friend. Talking about silly stuff. Whatever. So yes, go to an Al-Anon meeting and after it's over, ask people there this question. But mostly, try your very best to be present in the moment for your friend despite your ignorance of the larger context. And make it clear that your friend has your permission to let you know what he needs, including what he needs conversationally. Yay you for being supportive!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:29 AM on July 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


Your job is to react. The only questions you should be asking are gently leading questions about his self-care and needs. You don't need to know any information he doesn't offer about his wife's condition. Listen if he wants to talk, take the lead on trivial conversations in moments he seems to want that - sportsball, Pokemon Go, 100 duck-sized horses vs one horse-sized duck. Reassure him you're not judging him when he has feelings, or when he lightens up for a second or when he feels relief.

Note that you can be loyal and supportive of him even in his hardest moments - like when he's incredibly angry, which he probably is sometimes - without trash-talking anyone in ways you might have to eat later. By all means, pile on when he talks about shitty coworkers you'll never meet, but unless you really need to stay something in a come-to-Jesus sense* to him, you can be neutral about his wife or family or other people related to him.

*Be willing to stand behind everything you say, but if he's doing stuff like blaming himself for her illness or otherwise selling himself short, that's the time to take a stand and say dude, no, you can't be responsible for another adult's actions, that's on her, and you need to hold her responsible. That's a very different thing to say, though, than calling her names he won't forget you called her. You don't have to belabor the point, but you can whisper in one ear when necessary.

Encourage him to get professional help, if possible. People have a hard time accepting help, so if you can be a voice in his head helping to normalize that this is what people do when they are in impossible circumstances, do that.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:47 PM on July 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


What's it like to have a spouse (or parent) in detox?

As a kid whose parent was in rehab multiple times, what I felt when my dad was in detox was immense relief to have him physically gone, tempered by guilt over that relief and terror at the thought of what was going to happen when he returned - because once you start getting into "inpatient mode AGAIN" situations, the family's probably already been through ... oh, let's see ... countless runs at AA. Hypnotherapy. Antibuse. Acupuncture. Situations where the police were called. Individual counseling. Obsessive hunts to dump all the alcohol you can find in the house. Family counseling. Prayer groups. More counselors. Subliminal tapes. Divorce threats. Hospitalization for physical effects of the drinking. Screaming at that goddamned gawking neighbor who always just "happened" to be taking his dog out when the family drama spilled outside. Maybe it's different for your friend (I hope so), but my experience was that by the time you're talking repeated tries at inpatient programs, the family has already been living in fire and blood. The immediate family members are probably shell-shocked, and the only thing worse than the belief that nothing is going to change is that grossly unextinguishable spark of hope that something will.

In the midst of all this, as a kid I evolved a sort of defensive rage towards all the well-meaning adults who would try to tell me things about my situation. You know -

"this isn't your fault" (me: I never thought it was my fault but so many people keep harping on this, maybe I am to blame)

"think of it as if your dad had cancer - it's a disease, he can't help himself" (me: I am so - fucking - angry at my dad and now I must be a horrible person because it's like I'm mad at someone with cancer)

"he's where he needs to be and I'm sure things will get better now" (me: please stop lying and making me have to smile and pretend you're making me feel better)

Eh, my point is that there are a lot of things people will say in a situation where they want to make things better but truly don't have any idea how to do so, and their words actually make it worse ... so please put your focus on listening and just being there.

Help provide some shred of normalcy if you can. The neighbor who let me just hang out and pet her dog was INFINITELY more comforting than just about anybody else in my life back then.
posted by DingoMutt at 2:21 PM on July 14, 2016 [12 favorites]


It sounds like,you don't live near him, but if there is anything you can do to help with running the household, I'm sure he'd appreciate that. Helping pick up kids from camp, mowing his lawn, bringing over dinner, saying you're headed to the grocery store/hardware store/big box, and can you get anything for him. That lets him focus on spending time with the kids when he's not at work.
posted by Sukey Says at 1:18 AM on July 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


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