Do you and your SO sleep in separate beds but still get along?
June 24, 2016 11:11 AM   Subscribe

My GF and I were talking over plans to move in together. One of the ideas that I raised was getting a two bedroom apartment so that we could each have our own bed to sleep in at night for comfort/sleep quality and also a space that is ours within the apartment (and our relationship). We would sleep together from time to time when we feel like it. She was a little apprehensive, but open-minded. Have any of you devised a similar cohabitation arrangement? What have you found to be the pros and cons? Thanks!
posted by Fister Roboto to Human Relations (45 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
 
I do this with my husband! It is almost all pros. We each have our own space and can have our own bedtime routines and preferences. We both sleep a lot better so are generally happy with each other. We can choose to cuddle whenever we want! And because we choose to it always feels like such a delight. Honestly getting better sleep means we are nicer to each other which is better for the relationship overall.
posted by neematoad at 11:19 AM on June 24, 2016 [7 favorites]


Sleeping in the same bed is not a big deal for me and my SO since we're long distance and when we get together our circadian rhythms differ anyway. It has had no effect on our relationship other than improved sleep quality for both of us. It's how we interact while awake that's really important. We might keep sleeping separately when we live together in the future, especially because I'm a light sleeper and he snores.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:21 AM on June 24, 2016


There are a lot of reasons to not want to share a bed (or even a room) with someone that do not reflect on the relationship. Even the hottest couple will spend more than 90% of their time in bed sleeping, and if sharing a bed makes it hard for one or the other party to do this, why force it? If you know this is about comfort and preferences, and not about avoiding intimacy, go for it!
posted by ubiquity at 11:24 AM on June 24, 2016


My wife works evenings and weekends regularly. We have a two-bedroom apartment for which one is an office with a convertible bed. On nights where our sleep schedules are off, it's not uncommon for the later-to-bed person to use the office as their bedroom. In the summer when it's 90+ degrees and we don't have an A/C, I usually sleep in the office. Also - I have off/on sleep issues, and will sleep in the office when I can't fall asleep right away.

I would guess we spent two weeks out of a six week cycle in separate bedrooms.

We are no less cuddly/intimate during that period of time - perhaps moreso because we have to make a point of doing it vs. expecting it to happen naturally. When we have a proper spare room, I would expect the trend to continue or even increase.

A lot of people get king sized beds as a compromise (particularly if your S/O is not sure/not on board) - you're together, but so long as you're not thrashers/snorers, you're miles apart and unlikely to notice the other until morning. If you are - one partner not impacting the others' sleep is going to do SO much for their quality of life and mood.
posted by scrittore at 11:24 AM on June 24, 2016


YES

ABSOLUTELY

We slept together in the same bed when we each had our own apartment and would stay the night at the other's place, and honestly we both kind of hated it. We are both pretty fussy light sleepers and get the best sleep when we're in our own bed. We also have an 80 lb dog that sleeps in bed, so a queen was a bit tight with all 3 of us. When we decided to move in together (after we had to do some hop-skipping separate moves to end up with jobs in the same city) I absolutely wanted at least a 2-bedroom apartment. We each keep our own clothes/stuff in our own rooms and share common areas, like roommates. It's never interfered with our intimacy, although at first my (now) husband was a little defensive when people would come over and see our separate rooms, saying "Yes, but we still have a lot of sex."

In the evenings we'll cuddle with each other, watch tv and ... y'know ... and then when we're ready to sleep for the night just go back to our own quarters. It's working out great and we're expecting our first child in a few months. We plan to keep our separate rooms and the baby will just sleep in my room until they're old enough to need their own. I think it will also help with sleep deprivation that we each have our own queen bed.
posted by permiechickie at 11:25 AM on June 24, 2016 [3 favorites]


I have done this for a long time with my partner of many years. We've lived in a number of different places in that time period, and almost always, it was a positive. The only time I thought there was a downsize was when we lived for several years in a space that was quite rundown and very cheap, but also very large.

What I discovered---and I didn't realize this until we moved for unrelated reasons into a much smaller space--was that we had grown physically apart without realizing it. In the new apartment, when we were again spending lots of time "face to face," our consequent emotional closeness helped heal some cracks in the relationship.

My take is that always sleeping together isn't necessary to maintain intimacy in a relationship, but routine physical closeness is.
posted by layceepee at 11:26 AM on June 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


Oh, the only con I can think of is that a 2 bedroom is often more expensive than a 1-bedroom, but this was just not negotiable for us, and it's useful for having guests over. When we've had guests we have them sleep in "my" room and we share a bed temporarily.
posted by permiechickie at 11:27 AM on June 24, 2016


I have a partner who is here on weekends and occasional weekdays, and a house with multiple places to sleep. We sleep together some nights, but often not on "school nights," where he has to get up (very early, I'm a good distance from the city) for work, and I am an insomniac and my reading in bed or whatever can be annoying. Or if I'm the one who needs a solid night, he might be snore-prone (we've discovered a single beer is enough to change him from a non-snorer to a snorer), and I might be the one who needs to sleep separately.

Pros: shared bed space and leisurely mornings/going-to-bed on nights when getting every needed hour in exact particular hours is not critical. Often one of us is up before the other and the late sleeper gets to wake to already-made coffee and so on with no disturbance from the waking party. (And! It is nice when you have guests -- I had a *twelve-person* sleepover at one point. The kids were in sleeping bags, but all adults got proper sleeping surfaces.)

Cons: ??. I went through a bout of norovirus last month and was super-happy to have a space to just be sick as hell on without booting somebody to an uncomfortable sofa or sleeping bag or whatever. And, it would be nice if I was not a frequent-night-waking raging insomniac and a pain to sleep next to, but that's just not the reality, so...

I think loads of couples do this; I think it's just kept on the down-low a lot. I think it's wise to plan for it, as "had to sleep on the sofa" is not great in most cases but having a bed that has your reading lamp and water carafe and whatever your own bedtime things are right there is hardly something to complain about. Unless both parties are perfect sleepers with perfectly matched sleep times and so on, it just means better sleep for both of you, which is good news all around. And of course you can be a little kid and crawl into the other bed if you've had a nightmare -- I think it's good if both beds can be accommodating for both sleepers' preferences; you know, "yours" should also have her preferred style of pillow, etc.
posted by kmennie at 11:30 AM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


For sure.

I often sleep in our guest bedroom, mostly because I either make noises in the night that wake my wife, or because I'm coming to bed late and she has trouble falling asleep after being awakened. Initially, I didn't care for it, but now I really enjoy the nights I get to spread out in bed.

It's nice to keep your "stuff" separate, too, so you each have a space to retreat to. One couple I know uses their second bedroom as an office/guest room, which is code for "an out of the way place for her husband to keep all his junk."
posted by lukez at 11:30 AM on June 24, 2016


Married for 22 years in November. We do this. WE LOVE IT.

Sometimes we have to share a bed when we have an overnight guest and we both realize how much we like having our separate sleeping quarters. We both have different sleep neuroses and both of us being sleep deprived just wasn't worth it anymore.

Pros: The entire arrangement
Cons: None? Except when we have to share again?

In conclusion, A++, would sleep in separate beds forever.
posted by cooker girl at 11:32 AM on June 24, 2016 [4 favorites]


Do you guys have a history of not sharing a bed well together? If so, I guess this would be an option. But if you otherwise like sleeping in the same bed currently, I don't really see this as anything more than a waste of money and suboptimal apartment configuration.

For what it's worth, my partner and I have a two bedroom apartment and also are into the "having private space" idea. The second bedroom is my partner's office, and the bedroom is more my domain. Him sleeping in there with me and having stuff in "my room" doesn't pose a problem for me. Honestly between the bedroom, living room, and office, we have plenty of space and privacy has thus far not been a real problem in our living arrangement.

I did experience the privacy issue in a previous cohabitating relationship in a one bedroom apartment, however. Also, I totally feel you on the possibility that you guys just don't sleep well in the same bed. That has definitely been a problem for me in the past, and if it were an issue now we'd definitely spring for an extra bed in the office.
posted by Sara C. at 11:36 AM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


Recently my husband and I started sleeping separately during the week because I got a new job that necessitated me getting up much earlier than he does. It's aces. We always read together before lights out and then he goes into his room and the next morning I don't have to worry about being quiet while I get ready for work. Sometimes I go crawl in bed with him for one snooze cycle in the morning. It's a sensible routine that works well and has nothing but positive consequences for our relationship and lives. Plus I get the good bed, the Tempur-Pedic, all to myself, so it's working out extra great for me.
posted by something something at 11:41 AM on June 24, 2016




My husband wanted separate beds for all of our marriage but I was dead set against it even though he has horrible insomnia and frequently woke me up. I wanted cuddles! And to wake up to sex, which happened a lot.

But then we had a baby, and I decided to co-sleep with her, and there was just no way we got decent sleep with us 3 in a bed. He slept on the futon. Later, we moved, and put a twin bed in his office downstairs. It's been musical beds up here for me and the kiddo, but right now, she spends half the night in a toddler bed in my room and half the night in "our" really nice queen bed.

To be honest, we all sleep way better this way, and I'm glad to have this flexibility. Sex takes more planning, but that's life with a toddler, anyway.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:49 AM on June 24, 2016


In my past long term relationship, we made an effort to find places with 2 bedrooms for "your space, my space" and while we slept in the same bed most of the time, we did use separate beds for when one of us was sick or had different sleep schedules (like, for a while I had a hobby that needed me to go to bed and get up very, very early in the morning). My ex was also a very light sleeper and would sometimes ask to sleep in separate beds if she was feeling a significant rest deficit. It was fine, but in retrospect, I do feel like having separate personal spaces allowed us to normalize a decline in intimacy that we should've confronted earlier in the relationship before it finally ended.

In my current relationship, for various reasons, we couldn't land a place that had two full size bedrooms, so we share the same bedroom for sleeping and clothes and everything. The notion of "your space, my space" was demolished, and it was super stressful for both of us because we had both been accustomed prior to this of extended periods of living on our own, but now we wouldn't have it any other way. I now know that, for myself, being able to routinely wake up with my partner is a fundamental experience that I want in a relationship.

We're hoping to buy into a bigger space in the near future, we want that to have a second bedroom for overnight guests, but we aren't going back to "your space, my space."

In general, I believed that having separate bedrooms worked for my ex and she shouldbe able to ask for that separation. That is totally something that some people should recognize as being vital for their own sense of comfort and sleep quality. I would just express that the other party also needs to weigh in about whether that connection that comes from sharing a bed routinely is important to them.
posted by bl1nk at 11:49 AM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


Another option- my husband and I have two mattresses in one bed frame each with our own set of sheets. It really reduces motion transfer and allows us to have very different mattress preferences without paying for an extra bedroom.
posted by jeszac at 12:17 PM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


I think this often works, but only if both of you are on the same page. If it means quality sleep to you but uncomfortable emotional distance to them, that's a problem.
posted by kapers at 12:23 PM on June 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


I am sure that this works great for some people. I however am like your girlfriend, and personally feel I would not be happy with this arrangement. I think you should offer to test this before deciding which path to choose, so you can be sure she feels good about it.
posted by samthemander at 12:24 PM on June 24, 2016 [6 favorites]


There's two things going on: space of your own, which is a really, really good idea especially when you're first moving in; and sleeping.

Sleeping together is a bonding time, but has the drawbacks mentioned above. My husband often goes to sleep with me, then he gets up in the middle of the night and goes to what serves as our spare bed (he's up during the night anyway, and this has become his routine, so it's not as disturbing as it sounds).

I honestly prefer the times I wake up with him too; but it is my understanding that I thrash, talk, dictate monologues, and kick at night. So he has my permission to seek his own sleep.
posted by Dashy at 12:24 PM on June 24, 2016


One possible issue: jealousy when a pet chooses one of you to sleep with.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:42 PM on June 24, 2016 [3 favorites]


Me and Mr Fig do this and it is the BEST.
posted by Fig at 12:46 PM on June 24, 2016


I would say that her apprehension stems from the view that couples only sleep apart when things are going wrong in the relationship. She has said before that she sleeps better at home in her own bed, and I do as well. Also, we both really enjoy having our own separate space. Thanks for the feedback so far!
posted by Fister Roboto at 12:47 PM on June 24, 2016


Well, we share a bed, but for years I have wished we had our own, and these are the pros and cons I have thought of:

Pros:

Blankets just how you like them (I posted a question about this last year, still a problem)

More bed space to yourself

Stay up late reading or wake up super early with no disturbance to your partner

No kicking, sleep talking, or other bothers

Pick out your own bedspread, etc, according to your aesthetic tastes

Cons:

More laundry

More expensive (two sets of everything, plus the extra bedroom)

Basically, if we could afford the extra rent, I would have done it years ago (my partner agrees). Alas it's a luxury I can't justify. If you can, I say do it!
posted by epanalepsis at 12:49 PM on June 24, 2016


My parents have been mostly sleeping in two separate rooms for the past few years now; mainly because my father snores like someone is hurling concrete through a wood chipper. (It's bad, y'all - I tried sharing a hotel room with them the night before a cousin's wedding, and Dad's snoring was so loud that at one point I actually tried surrendering my bed and sleeping in the bathtub.)

Perhaps a compromise, though - same room, but different beds? My grandparents did that, and were married for years; and you can also pretend you're like all these different 60's-era sitcom couples.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:10 PM on June 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


I looooved living by myself, and I looooved sleeping alone, and I loooooved having my own space. But my SO and I share a bed because, even though my sleep is sometimes less optimal than I'd like, sharing this space with him and our pets is very meaningful to me. I am sometimes surprised by how my mood is lower if he's out of town/dog threw up on my side of the bed/pets are not sharing my side of the bed with me, but with each other... and only some of those time was my sleep actually better. The other thing I noticed is that even when we have separate spaces we can retreat to, we often end up in the same space by choice. This is something that also surprises me, because apparently my need to recharge from PEOPLE doesn't quite include him.

I'm sure that at least some of that is because I'm used to sleeping next to him, and if we had started our cohabitation with separate sleeping spaces/more diligently using our separate spaces my response might be different.

That being said, say you move into the two bedroom apartment with the separate spaces and one of you really doesn't care for it. What then?
posted by sm1tten at 1:14 PM on June 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


I would say that her apprehension stems from the view that couples only sleep apart when things are going wrong in the relationship

What she thinks she knows about other peoples' relationships and what the truth is have little to do with one another. Relationships have secret interior lives to which outsiders are not privvy.

My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. It is fabulous and I am a huge advocate for this whenever it comes up on Ask. But because of assumptions like the ones your girlfriend makes, the number of people in our real lives who know this is approximately 0. We do, in fact, disguise it from houseguests. Same for my parents; I know, but my sisters don't because they would freak.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:17 PM on June 24, 2016 [10 favorites]


My boyfriend and I actually bought a house together that has 2 apartments so we each have our own living spaces and it's really awesome. We have different sleeping habits and schedules, and having to share a bedroom would mean that neither of us got a good sleep. Proper sleep is so important to your health and happiness, and if your relationship interferes with that it's going to take a toll on your relationship. We spend a lot of time snuggling and watching movies on the pull-out bed in my living room, so we don't miss the physical closeness. We couldn't be happier with the arrangement. The thing is, if you get a place with 2 bedrooms, and find that you miss sleeping together, there's nothing stopping you from sleeping together whenever you want to. If there is only the one room to sleep in, you don't get that choice. And with an extra room you'll have a place for guests when they visit, a way to retreat when one of you is sick or needs alone time.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:24 PM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


We don't sleep apart as a matter of course but there is a second bedroom made up and ready at all times, because you want to know what's hard on a relationship? Sleep-deprivation-related homicidal impulses.

Everyone I know who sleeps apart has some kind of Bed Meeting as part of their daily routine. In one couple, he's the night owl so he hangs out in bed with her talking and snuggling until she passes out and then he leaves. In another, she always wakes up really early to pee so then gets in bed with him for the last hour or two.

This is probably not the only thing she thinks is universally done One True Way, so you might want to have a bunch of real low-level expectations conversations before deciding to move in together.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:43 PM on June 24, 2016 [4 favorites]


When we had a 2br apartment, one of us had the other room as an office/dressing room. We still slept together in the main room, but it was nice to have separate space. At our first place, my stuff was in the second bedroom and it was decorated more to my taste, and it's where I got ready in the morning. In our next place, he was in school, so he had his desk in the other room and also his clothes and such.
posted by radioamy at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2016


Sorry to post twice in the thread, but I've been thinking about it, and I have a different answer.

I spent A LOT of my single life dating guys who weren't that into me and showed it in subtle ways like not wanting me to sleep over or in their bed. Barring a huge and obvious problem with us sleeping in the same bed that we both agreed necessitated separate beds, I would feel rejected in your girlfriend's shoes.

If separate beds is a must from your standpoint, can you suggest them in a way that helps her not feel rejected/respects her feelings about this being a bad omen? If separate beds isn't necessary but would merely be nice to have, can you table it until she's feeling more secure about things?
posted by Sara C. at 2:02 PM on June 24, 2016 [11 favorites]


Yup, we have separate rooms. IT'S AWESOME. Bed in theirs, couch in mine. I'm a night owl so I join SO for snugs when they go to bed, then 50/50 sneak in late or "crash at my place." SO has free reign to enter The Office at any time and pounce me for cuddles. Which happens. Every. Day. WIN
posted by fritillary at 2:05 PM on June 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


We sleep together about half the time. The other half of the time, I either have a software release and need to be awake at weird times, or he's having sleep issues and keeping one or both of us awake.

I do agree with Lyn Never - it's good to talk this sort of thing out now, and worth exploring if either of you have other items like this hanging out in the back of your mind.
posted by RogueTech at 2:06 PM on June 24, 2016


I would suggest that rather than sleeping together "when we feel like it" to have a date night where you know you will share a bed that night once a week or every two weeks or whatever works for you. The "whenever we feel like it" could lead to resentment - she might feel like sharing a bed more than you do from your question, and then it's always on your terms.

Other than that I say go for it. I've always wanted this but never had the means, and hope that in my next relationship it's something we can afford.
posted by sockermom at 2:08 PM on June 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


The decibel level of my husband's snoring, my own sensitivity to it, and my tolerance for earplugs vary from night to night so I generally start the night in his bed and then retreat to my own as necessary. If I begin to feel sleep deprived, I spend a couple of full nights in my own bed.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:41 PM on June 24, 2016


We do this, I was initially dead set against it based on strong memories of this as a precursor to my parents divorce, but my wife's knuckle cracking forced me into it. And it's legit great. I still struggle with insecurities every now and then, but the better sleep is really worth it.
posted by smoke at 4:25 PM on June 24, 2016


We normally sleep in the same bed, but having a comfortable bed at the ready in the other room, already made up with sheets and blankets, is wonderful when someone is being insomniac or feeling sick.

And I agree that lots more people (in loving and happy relationships) do this than you would think. People keep it quiet out of privacy and to avoid judgemental comments, but I've been in a lot of houses where you could tell that the "guest bedroom" is really one of the spouses'.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:44 PM on June 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


We sleep in the same room, in separate beds that are next to each other. We do the separate bed thing mainly because I'm a restless and extremely light sleeper, and we go to bed and wake up at very, very different times. There's definitely less disturbances now than there were when we slept in the same bed. We discussed switching to a big bed awhile back but I don't think I'd want to go back. Honestly I would love a two bedroom and I suspect he might as well, but we don't have the money for that.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 7:20 PM on June 24, 2016


My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms. When we first moved in we bought a huge king sized super plush bed and gave it the old college try for a few months. But none of that made up for the fact he's a sleep molester and flops around like a fish all night completely disturbing the sheets. He'd flop in my direction and try to envelop me in a bear hug and by reflex I'd punch him in the face (I had no idea this was happening, I was still asleep but I'd see the bruises). He's the human furnace, I need to sleep under sheets. Etc. We are just so sleep-incompatible! And sleep is VERY important to us for our mental and physical health - we really wanted to prioritize it. Since we also had a perfectly good queen sized bed in the guest room eventually he'd sleep there during the week so I could get a good night's sleep for work. Two years later it's basically permanent, though I sleep in the guest room because the mattress there is extra firm and much better for my back. We still maintain it as a guest room and let guests stay there when they're here. We have another bedroom that's just gathering junk we'll probably convert and really move into two separate bedrooms. Sometimes we switch around (the master's better if you're sick). Hell, when we go on vacation I know now to book a room with two queen beds instead of a single king.

I think we'd be okay in the same room but with completely different beds, though they'd have to both be big and our master isn't that large. We go to sleep at roughly the same time and have a joint bedtime ritual. We're together all the time as we're both home during the day so we get plenty of together time. Ultimately, we've decided that in this, as well as in many other aspects of our marriage, we'll do what works best for us and fuck what people think of it.
posted by marylynn at 9:35 PM on June 24, 2016 [3 favorites]


Absolutely love sharing a bed with my partner. It would be a serious potential deal breaker to me if they didn't.
posted by Albondiga at 12:52 AM on June 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


I also really value sharing a bed with my partner. No, I don't sleep as deeply, as I am a very light sleeper, but falling asleep together after sex and waking up to cuddles is worth it for me. Yes, I wake up at least five times a night when we shift from big spoon to little spoon and back, but I enjoy the sleepy hugs and kisses when this happens. (Full disclosure, I also have a schedule that allows me to sleep in till noon if I need to, YMMV)

Bottom line, this is *your* relationship. You get to decide what is healthy and what isn't, together. If sleeping apart works for you both and makes you happy, do it! Don't let other people shame you into sharing a bed if it truly doesn't work. If this is a crazy sad-making thing for her, figure out a compromise. Big beds in the same room that you can share if you want, separate beds that are only used when one of you needs to wake early or stay up late. . .I live in the Bay, so this kind of option is like a fever dream for me. If you can swing it financially, good for you.

Make sure both your need for separate space AND her need for intimacy are being addressed. Compromise and accommodation of needs is the basis of all healthy long-term relationships, so you may as well start now :)
posted by ananci at 2:12 AM on June 25, 2016 [2 favorites]


We have slept in separate rooms for a few years and there's no going back. We are both terrible sleepers even alone, but together we were a disaster. The things I do (reading before I fall asleep and if I wake up, tossing and turning) make me a terrible bedmate. Same for him (sprawling diagonally across the entire bed, snoring, talking in his sleep).

Even before we had enough bedrooms, one of us ended up on the couch more often than not. It was kind of a no-brainer for us to sleep apart.

It hasn't affected our closeness at all. We have a lot of physical intimacy every day. We often visit to "tuck in" the other and say goodnight. Every once in a while we try to have a sleepover, but it never lasts the whole night because of our sleep problems. As for sex, we never had sex at bedtime or in the morning anyway, so our sex life is unchanged.

Would I like to be able to sleep with my partner and sleep as well as I do now? Definitely.
Do I miss actually sleeping with him? Not really.
posted by Frenchy67 at 6:57 AM on June 25, 2016


I think fondly of the days when we had the space to sleep apart. I was like your girlfriend at first but I have seen the light. If nothing else having two bedrooms where you can get space apart even if one is mostly an office is an excellent idea if you can afford it.
posted by ch1x0r at 9:33 AM on June 25, 2016


Mrs mule and I have separate beds; they are adjustable, with a controller. We have pushed the beds together, so that, although we each have our own individual sheets fitted to our mattresses, we share a large, king-size sheet and blankets over the both of us. For the first few years we slept in a double bed--we enjoy spooning and such. Later on Mrs mule needed to sleep with her torso elevated a bit (for a couple of years) to address a medical condition. So we bought these two beds and pushed them together. Now we have gotten used to them, and even though she's now able to sleep flat, we like the ability to adjust our own beds when we read in bed. The idea of sleeping in separate rooms appeals to neither of us.
posted by mule98J at 11:20 AM on June 25, 2016


I think that while sleeping in separate beds is an awesome thing that works for many people (see all the answers above), it does seem kind of weird to suggest it before you're even living together. I know that it's perfectly rational to bring it up now so you can choose an apartment accordingly, but if I were in your girlfriend's shoes I would want to at least try living together first and then see if you need to get separate bedrooms depending on how that goes. My partner and I are both very introverted/like our own space, we have different sleep schedules, he snores, etc - but I found that I wasn't really bothered by any of that stuff when we moved in together. I also wasn't bothered when we had sleepovers before moving in, though - are y'all currently having issues when you sleep in the same bed? If not, I think your ideal scenario would be to move into a place with a second bedroom and plan on it being a guest bedroom unless you find that sharing a bed really is an issue. You could also split the difference and find a place that has separate spaces you can each claim (so you can have your own space) but still share one bed.
posted by jouir at 9:33 PM on June 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


Whatever you decide now, keep in mind it might change. My SO and I were inveterate bed-sharers for years, but 10 years on, we're both older, we're on different schedules, and I have a diagnosed sleep issue. We have a 2BR originally intended for guests, but probably 1 out of 4 nights one of us repairs to it just to be sure they are sleeping well. It wasn't something we agreed at the outset, but it is normal for us, and I am comforted seeing how normal it is for many others. This wasn't an issue in my 20s but it is in my 40s, and as you get older, good sleep gets only more vital and more challenging. Adding in children is another difficulty level.
posted by Miko at 9:51 PM on June 25, 2016


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