How did I lose weight?
June 22, 2016 3:35 PM   Subscribe

How did I lose weight?

I've lost a lot of weight recently. People notice these things, and they ask how. The way was not interesting, but I wish for better answers to give in its place.

My go to used to be 'cancer', but this isn't very couth. Similarly cocaine/heroin/meth addiction. I do like 'I was stuck on a desert island for a year', or maybe 'tapeworms'.

What say you?
posted by Evilspork to Health & Fitness (71 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
"I only weigh myself on the moon."
posted by stoneandstar at 3:36 PM on June 22, 2016 [6 favorites]


"i gave it to you."
posted by andrewcooke at 3:38 PM on June 22, 2016 [7 favorites]


How did I lose the weight?

I put it someplace really safe and then forgot where it was.
posted by The World Famous at 3:40 PM on June 22, 2016 [18 favorites]


"Ate less, exercised more."
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 3:40 PM on June 22, 2016 [15 favorites]


"I'm so forgetful, I lose things all the time! It'll be in the last place I look, I'm sure."
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 3:40 PM on June 22, 2016 [7 favorites]


"It isn't lost. I know where it is."
posted by trinity8-director at 3:41 PM on June 22, 2016 [9 favorites]


Satan.

(My keyboard fritzed and I originally typed "Stan", which is also an option.)
posted by Lyn Never at 3:41 PM on June 22, 2016 [8 favorites]


Most people ask this without any bad intentions and giving them a verbal flip-off of sarcasm does not serve any good purpose I can think of. If the uninteresting way you lost weight was through changes to your diet/exercise habits, then your go-to answer is "I've been eating better and exercising more." If you lost weight because of illness/depression or something else you'd rather not talk about, then "haven't been eating as much lately, I guess" will probably suffice for getting you past that question and cue the attentive in to the fact that it's not really something you're keen to discuss. I mean, I'd fake-laugh at the smartass answers suggested above, but I'd also think you were kind of insufferable for giving them.
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:42 PM on June 22, 2016 [35 favorites]


"Well, it was a heavy subject, and so I lightened up on it a little bit."
posted by a good beginning at 3:44 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Ate less, exercised more."

I'm trying to avoid plausible lies, which nixes the second part.
posted by Evilspork at 3:47 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Most people ask this without any bad intentions and giving them a verbal flip-off of sarcasm does not serve any good purpose I can think of."

Not doing this would be tearing out a part of my very core being.

I also tell the real answer afterward.
posted by Evilspork at 3:48 PM on June 22, 2016 [22 favorites]


In some crowds: The fat just walked away!

Spent some time on the moon, everyone's lighter there.
posted by cogitron at 3:53 PM on June 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'd be tempted to invent more and more ridiculous diets. All-chocolate diet. Bourbon and soda diet. Icee popsicle diet.
posted by muddgirl at 3:55 PM on June 22, 2016 [17 favorites]


If you are willing to share the reason with them, can you explain why the real reason isn't just your first answer? I assumed you were trying to shut down questions and protect your privacy, but if that's not it, I don't know why you wouldn't just tell the truth off the bat.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 3:56 PM on June 22, 2016 [12 favorites]


Alien abduction; they wanted the excess fat for their experiments

Sentenced to hard labor for your crimes

Transporter malfunction

Drive-by liposuction gang

Bitten by a radioactive spider

Government experiment gone horribly right

Zika (somehow)

"Turns out it was all just water weight. Weird, right?"

You had a parasitic twin removed

Turns out, that One Weird Trick actually works!
posted by BungaDunga at 3:57 PM on June 22, 2016 [5 favorites]


"If you are willing to share the reason with them, can you explain why the real reason isn't just your first answer? I assumed you were trying to shut down questions and protect your privacy, but if that's not it, I don't know why you wouldn't just tell the truth off the bat."

To be silly.
posted by Evilspork at 4:01 PM on June 22, 2016 [7 favorites]


"A spork. That's all I eat with."
posted by The World Famous at 4:02 PM on June 22, 2016 [9 favorites]


"I didn't lose weight, I'm just standing further away."
posted by ejs at 4:08 PM on June 22, 2016 [11 favorites]


"I blew it away" (in the sense that your body turned all the fat molecules into carbon dioxide that you exhaled)
posted by Doc_Sock at 4:10 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


When it happened to me (crushing depression and stressed) I'd respond with an awkward

"Arrrggaahahhh?" and look at my body like it was a foreign object. Something like this
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:14 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


Snarky/silly seems like an entirely appropriate response to a prying question (even when the intention is good).

Suspense/drama: "Oh ... I thought somebody already told you...."
Selfless: "I donated to help all the starving children."
Gravitational: "What goes up...."
Pneumatic: "10% effort, 90% helium."
Whovian (another): "I'm just bigger on the inside now."
Horror: "Self-cannibalism - it's the only diet where you can eat all you want."
posted by verschollen at 4:18 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


"I tripled my daily fart count. You'd be amazed at how much body mass is actually just fart weight."
posted by The World Famous at 4:18 PM on June 22, 2016 [13 favorites]


What I said, in similar circumstances;

"The misery diet. I don't recommend it."

You could also try: "Ate more, exercised less."
posted by djinn dandy at 4:19 PM on June 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


"I'm so glad you asked! Let me tell you all about essential oils!!"
posted by The World Famous at 4:20 PM on June 22, 2016 [27 favorites]


"I exhaled it" is weird and true
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:28 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


Ugh, I used to hate this question when the honest answer was because of a gastrointestinal disease.

So, I would suggest "Because of a gastrointestinal disease."
posted by a strong female character at 4:28 PM on June 22, 2016 [5 favorites]


They say you only use 10% of your brain, so I just got rid of the rest of it.
posted by aubilenon at 4:34 PM on June 22, 2016 [5 favorites]


If you aren't a person with a uterus, "Finally had that damn baby." I mean, hell, even if you are a person with a uterus it may well be funny depending on your circumstances.
posted by town of cats at 4:43 PM on June 22, 2016 [6 favorites]


"Wait for the book." or "To find that out, you'll have to buy my book."


also:

"Mitosis."
posted by amtho at 4:46 PM on June 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


Accelerated my metabolism
posted by forforf at 4:54 PM on June 22, 2016


I got a part time job stocking shelves at Sam's Club.
posted by advicepig at 5:13 PM on June 22, 2016


Hypnos...zzzzzzzzzx
posted by advicepig at 5:15 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


Competitive leap frog.
posted by advicepig at 5:16 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


DTMF, or kicked it to the curb.
posted by effluvia at 5:28 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


South Bronx Paradise, baby!!
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:38 PM on June 22, 2016


"I had the kung pao chicken."
posted by The World Famous at 5:59 PM on June 22, 2016


"Have I?"
posted by ReluctantViking at 6:08 PM on June 22, 2016


Ooooh, I think I got a good one:

"I started charging all my devices with a stationary bike!"
posted by amtho at 6:18 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


"The secret is LinkedIn."
posted by The World Famous at 6:35 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


Nanobots.
posted by deludingmyself at 6:41 PM on June 22, 2016


GUVMENT TOOK MAH SPOONS
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:42 PM on June 22, 2016 [7 favorites]


* look down at your body; flinch/startle * "MY GOD! WHERE DID IT GO?!"
posted by coppermoss at 6:44 PM on June 22, 2016 [7 favorites]


Or, from my favorite MeFi post/comment of the week: one weird trick.
posted by deludingmyself at 6:45 PM on June 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


"Actually, I'm still the same weight -- I just got denser."
posted by btfreek at 7:14 PM on June 22, 2016 [6 favorites]


"You're soaking in it."
posted by The World Famous at 7:20 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


I switched to applying my food topically.
posted by Mchelly at 7:30 PM on June 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


Stress.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:44 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Lots of salads." "That's it?" "Yep, that's it." "What kind of salads?" "All kinds, just lots of them." "Oh okay."
posted by soakimbo at 9:11 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Oh, no, I just bought bigger clothes."

"I quit sleeping."

"Coffee enemas. Or was it the other way around?"

"Bacon. 'Nuff said."

"It's just in disguise."

"I volunteered to test the autism vaccine."

"Chemtrails."
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:29 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


I used to weigh 255 pounds. Over the course of 7 months, I lost 70 pounds. For every person that said, "Wow! You look great!" someone asked, "Is everything okay?" Look, people notice weight loss, be it 5 pounds in the face or 100 pounds over your whole body, the point is that they are curious. The reason for their curiosity may differ: some may want to know because they, too, want to lose weight. Others may want to know because they are concerned about your health and well being.

What's the harm in telling them the truth? For me, it was a culmination of events, which led to portion control, calorie counting, better food choices, exercising, and an overall healthy lifestyle. I freely shared this with people because I perceived their curiosity to be rooted in how they could make their lives better, too.

If the reason is due to depression or some other cause you would rather not share, you can always resort to the "changed diet and more exercise" response.\
posted by metazen at 9:52 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


"What's the harm in telling them the truth?"

I do, but the price is I get to mess with them for three seconds first.
posted by Evilspork at 10:01 PM on June 22, 2016 [8 favorites]


Cursed frogurt

Teleporter incident

Walked on my hands for a month

If you put on enough weight, the scale goes back to zero
posted by zippy at 10:23 PM on June 22, 2016 [5 favorites]


I got locked in one of those puzzle rooms by a psychopath game-playing murderer over the weekend. Yeah, like in those movies. Yeah, I hadn't packed any lunches.
posted by destructive cactus at 11:05 PM on June 22, 2016


"Energetic fucking."

(Obviously this is a NSFW answer.)
posted by desuetude at 11:15 PM on June 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


Lost it in a bet.
posted by Doleful Creature at 11:31 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


Hello kindred spirit.

"I actually didn't lose weight, it's muscle. Weighs more, you know." *flex bicep, poke it with your other index finger* "See?"
Especially effective if you're a woman.

"Nah I just got better at sucking it in." *fluff out stomach, pat it*
posted by fraula at 2:25 AM on June 23, 2016


I do, but the price is I get to mess with them for three seconds first.

I respect that
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:56 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]


"BrokenSpork"
posted by notyou at 5:43 AM on June 23, 2016


(Stare at the questioner's midsection) "It's ok, I think I just found it."
posted by hexatron at 10:08 AM on June 23, 2016


"I'm really into recumbent bicycling."

"Dungeons & Dragons"

"Have you ever heard of "Veganism"?"

"It was my dad's, I was just storing it."
posted by euphoria066 at 10:12 AM on June 23, 2016


Have you heard the Good News about the power of prayer?
posted by AFABulous at 11:34 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]


"I'm really into recumbent bicycling."

I misread that as 'combat bicycling' and it still worked.
posted by Evilspork at 12:28 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]


"Ah, you've met my fat twin, then?"
posted by penguin pie at 1:32 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]


Just tell them that it's not that you lost weight, it's that everyone else gained weight.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:50 PM on June 23, 2016


Marvel version: Terrigen crystals. I also have powers now! *spirit fingers*

My invocations of the Earth Mother finally paid off.

Lost weight? What are you talking about?

Leeches, mostly. My humors were WAY out of whack.

Finally shed my carapace

Spent a few months in a cocoon; I was hoping for butterfly but I'll take this.

Autocannibalism

Cried it away; did you know tears are 80% fat?
posted by BungaDunga at 2:16 PM on June 23, 2016


true story... after 3 months not looking at my electronic scale, and feeling a little thinner (belt needed one notch tighter), I checked it and it showed a loss of over 50 POUNDS! The next day I tried again and it showed another 10 pounds down, so I invested $19.95 on a new scale that showed I'd only lost about 5 pounds in 3 months. Did I waste my money?
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:34 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


Also, there's a mouse in my kitchen who gets into all the fattening food, so I have to throw it out and I end up losing weight... a good situation, except for the threatening looks I'm getting from the 20-pound mouse...
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:40 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


"started wearing less and going out more"
posted by batter_my_heart at 7:47 PM on June 23, 2016


annnnnd for the next two days,

"brexit"
posted by batter_my_heart at 8:47 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]


"Fecal transplant."
posted by babelfish at 9:59 AM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


Random Person (RP): "Wow! Look at you! You look terrific. How'd you lose all that weight?"

You (You): "Well, I did stay at Motel 6...do you think I should check their Lost and Found?

You could ramble on and on about you must have left your phone charger there too so it might be worth calling and asking, but you know, maybe you'll just let it slide because another guest at the hotel such as a really skinny person/person needing butt implants/Gumby/skeleton/wight might need a phone charger too...
posted by futz at 7:12 PM on June 24, 2016


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