Dealing with a loved one's Bipolar Disorder.
December 26, 2005 11:12 PM Subscribe
Dealing with a loved one's Bipolar Disorder.
My girlfriend was recently diagnosed after suffering several nervous breakdowns in a short period of time. Symptoms describe her to a T. She can't take Lithium (epilepsy) so is on Prozac and talk therapy.
She's returned home to a self-imposed isolation, which I understand is nessecary for her healing process. We've spoken perhaps 20 times in the last ten months. I recognize she is sick, and this is a matter of survival. I love her very much and want her to be better more than anything, so I'm doing everything I can to give her the space she needs.
I'd like to hear some experiences people have had being the "healthy" one in a relationship like this. Dealing with the inevitable confusion, resentment and anger. Coming to terms with things like the fact that I always thought the way she gave objects and trinkets such importance was a charming quirk, not a symptom. The sickening thought that what I fell in love is the incredible force of her manic phase. There are hundreds of these thoughts. Naming them seems important. Conquering them seems nessecary.
We're both in our mid 20s and have been together for 4 years, if it matters.
My girlfriend was recently diagnosed after suffering several nervous breakdowns in a short period of time. Symptoms describe her to a T. She can't take Lithium (epilepsy) so is on Prozac and talk therapy.
She's returned home to a self-imposed isolation, which I understand is nessecary for her healing process. We've spoken perhaps 20 times in the last ten months. I recognize she is sick, and this is a matter of survival. I love her very much and want her to be better more than anything, so I'm doing everything I can to give her the space she needs.
I'd like to hear some experiences people have had being the "healthy" one in a relationship like this. Dealing with the inevitable confusion, resentment and anger. Coming to terms with things like the fact that I always thought the way she gave objects and trinkets such importance was a charming quirk, not a symptom. The sickening thought that what I fell in love is the incredible force of her manic phase. There are hundreds of these thoughts. Naming them seems important. Conquering them seems nessecary.
We're both in our mid 20s and have been together for 4 years, if it matters.
A very close friend of mine has a g/f with serious psychological imbalances. She pretends that therapy doesn't do anything for her.
It's a good thing that your loved one is amenable to interacting with a professional. However, it may be beneficial if they sought the advice of other professionals. Lithium isn't the only therapy (there's a long history of lithium prescription - it wasn't known why it works, and only recently has it been demonstrated how it works, but... not really).
See if a second opinion (as to treatment options) can be had.
I hate to say it but is the treatment/prognosis of your loved one reported by your loved one or are the reports directly from the professional? Said friend of mine insists that what his g/f tells him is exactly what the g/f's therapists/doctors tell her. Even if it *is* verbatim...
posted by PurplePorpoise at 12:10 AM on December 27, 2005
It's a good thing that your loved one is amenable to interacting with a professional. However, it may be beneficial if they sought the advice of other professionals. Lithium isn't the only therapy (there's a long history of lithium prescription - it wasn't known why it works, and only recently has it been demonstrated how it works, but... not really).
See if a second opinion (as to treatment options) can be had.
I hate to say it but is the treatment/prognosis of your loved one reported by your loved one or are the reports directly from the professional? Said friend of mine insists that what his g/f tells him is exactly what the g/f's therapists/doctors tell her. Even if it *is* verbatim...
posted by PurplePorpoise at 12:10 AM on December 27, 2005
That sounds a little strange to me that she would be taking Prozac -- my understanding is that prozac can trigger manic episodes, and that the newer bipolar drugs are actually anti-convulsants and ok for people with epilepsy.
posted by footnote at 1:06 AM on December 27, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by footnote at 1:06 AM on December 27, 2005 [1 favorite]
Anon, I've been there and feel for you. Below are a few links that you could find helpful. First here's a few thoughts from my own collection:
Avoid becoming her caretaker or therapist. It's so hard to avoid doing absolutely everything you can when you love someone, but taking on those roles can wreck your status as an interesting, independant individual and desireable mate. Be informed, compassionate, and supportive. You will be part of the treatment plan -- and ideally she will permit you to communicate independantly with her doctors. But work with her and her therapist to establish appropriate limits to keep the bipolar disorder from engulfing the whole relationship.
Take care of yourself. Have your own support system. Consider having your own therapist. This is likely to be unrelentingly hard on you.
There have been some related AskMeFi threads recently:
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/29585
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/27125#427143
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/24688#395168
Please get and read Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder. It is designed for you and will help address your specific questions and issues, and also develop a plan for your future.
You might check out this Yahoo support group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/bipolar_support_friends_family
David Oliver has apparently devoted his life to educating people about bipolar disorder. His site, BipolarCentral.com, has some of that "infomercial-site" look to it but it's actually full of good information, and he has an e-mail newsletter as well.
I wish you the best.
posted by Tubes at 1:47 AM on December 27, 2005
Avoid becoming her caretaker or therapist. It's so hard to avoid doing absolutely everything you can when you love someone, but taking on those roles can wreck your status as an interesting, independant individual and desireable mate. Be informed, compassionate, and supportive. You will be part of the treatment plan -- and ideally she will permit you to communicate independantly with her doctors. But work with her and her therapist to establish appropriate limits to keep the bipolar disorder from engulfing the whole relationship.
Take care of yourself. Have your own support system. Consider having your own therapist. This is likely to be unrelentingly hard on you.
There have been some related AskMeFi threads recently:
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/29585
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/27125#427143
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/24688#395168
Please get and read Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder. It is designed for you and will help address your specific questions and issues, and also develop a plan for your future.
You might check out this Yahoo support group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/bipolar_support_friends_family
David Oliver has apparently devoted his life to educating people about bipolar disorder. His site, BipolarCentral.com, has some of that "infomercial-site" look to it but it's actually full of good information, and he has an e-mail newsletter as well.
I wish you the best.
posted by Tubes at 1:47 AM on December 27, 2005
Prozac? PROZAC?????
If she isn't on a mood stabilizer along with that antidepressant then her doc has marbles for brains.
That makes Bipolar worse in the long run, setting her up for mania and for what is known as rapid cycling. Rapid cycling makes bipolar harder to treat.
I am not a doc, but I do have bipolar type two, and I have had the experience of being on an unopposed antidepressant (back when they thought I was just unipolar depressed.)
Can someone persuade her to get a second opinion?
posted by konolia at 5:06 AM on December 27, 2005
If she isn't on a mood stabilizer along with that antidepressant then her doc has marbles for brains.
That makes Bipolar worse in the long run, setting her up for mania and for what is known as rapid cycling. Rapid cycling makes bipolar harder to treat.
I am not a doc, but I do have bipolar type two, and I have had the experience of being on an unopposed antidepressant (back when they thought I was just unipolar depressed.)
Can someone persuade her to get a second opinion?
posted by konolia at 5:06 AM on December 27, 2005
The sickening thought that what I fell in love is the incredible force of her manic phase.
Rereading your post, this stuck out.
Unfortunately you may be speaking the absolute truth here.
BTW my spouse was also diagnosed with bipolar. Not sure he really has it, but he does have certain quirks. He is not easy to live with.
If your gf is successfully treated, there is a chance things can work out for you but it will NOT be easy. I would not blame you for cuttting and running. In fact, I sadly suggest you think about just that. At the very least think hard about it and make sure you are up to what it takes in the long haul. And if you haven't really been together in months, may be you arent really together already.
posted by konolia at 5:11 AM on December 27, 2005
Rereading your post, this stuck out.
Unfortunately you may be speaking the absolute truth here.
BTW my spouse was also diagnosed with bipolar. Not sure he really has it, but he does have certain quirks. He is not easy to live with.
If your gf is successfully treated, there is a chance things can work out for you but it will NOT be easy. I would not blame you for cuttting and running. In fact, I sadly suggest you think about just that. At the very least think hard about it and make sure you are up to what it takes in the long haul. And if you haven't really been together in months, may be you arent really together already.
posted by konolia at 5:11 AM on December 27, 2005
The pharmacotherapy of a "bipolar" patient will depend on which "pole" is more prominent. There will be times when he/she is manic (requiring a mood stabilizer, depakote is a good choice for it anticonvulsant effects) and there will be times when he/she is depressed (requiring an antidepressant).
This is a tough situation. You can't be a martyr through this. You need to make the right choice for you.
posted by erd0c at 5:41 AM on December 27, 2005
This is a tough situation. You can't be a martyr through this. You need to make the right choice for you.
posted by erd0c at 5:41 AM on December 27, 2005
I had an ex who was diagnosed as bipolar (she probably wasn't). We went to a local support group for people who are bipolar and that was a tremendous help.
posted by plinth at 6:43 AM on December 27, 2005
posted by plinth at 6:43 AM on December 27, 2005
You really need more information about this situation.
The thing that really jumped out at me was how you have accepted her "self-imposed" isolation as "necessary for her healing process" Mentally ill people generally are quite bad at self-diagnosis, to say the least of self-prescribed treatments like "isolation." And "healing" is not a word that psychiatrists would typically use to describe the process of a patient sufficiently stable to be non-institutionalized and subject only to the mild treatment regimen use describe of Prozac and psychotherapy.
You really ought to try to speak with her therapist. If your girlfriend consents, her therapist can be very frank with you regarding a role you might play in her recovery, and the realistic prospects for an ordinary romantic relationship in the future. (S)he might also shed color upon this "isolation" program, and the extent to which it is actually part of a prescribed and recommended course of treatment, or not.
Bipolar people, at least those not in a decompensated collapse, are fully possessed of their intelligence and decision-making capacities. If it turns out this self-isolation is a deliberate choice of hers, and you can't persuade her to choose otherwise, you could conclude rather fairly that she's chosen not to be your girlfriend anymore...
posted by MattD at 6:47 AM on December 27, 2005
The thing that really jumped out at me was how you have accepted her "self-imposed" isolation as "necessary for her healing process" Mentally ill people generally are quite bad at self-diagnosis, to say the least of self-prescribed treatments like "isolation." And "healing" is not a word that psychiatrists would typically use to describe the process of a patient sufficiently stable to be non-institutionalized and subject only to the mild treatment regimen use describe of Prozac and psychotherapy.
You really ought to try to speak with her therapist. If your girlfriend consents, her therapist can be very frank with you regarding a role you might play in her recovery, and the realistic prospects for an ordinary romantic relationship in the future. (S)he might also shed color upon this "isolation" program, and the extent to which it is actually part of a prescribed and recommended course of treatment, or not.
Bipolar people, at least those not in a decompensated collapse, are fully possessed of their intelligence and decision-making capacities. If it turns out this self-isolation is a deliberate choice of hers, and you can't persuade her to choose otherwise, you could conclude rather fairly that she's chosen not to be your girlfriend anymore...
posted by MattD at 6:47 AM on December 27, 2005
Let me echo the chorus: any doctor who has her on an SSRI *instead* of a mood stabilizer for a diagnosis of "bipolar disease" (you don't say what type) disease may not be equipped to diagnose the condition, unless the doctor is using the SSRI *diagnostically* with very close monitoring -- like two or three times a week in that doc's office. (Sometimes bipolar is diagnosed in part on the basis of a patient's reaction to an SSRI.) Bipolar disease is hard to diagnose (and "fitting the symptoms to a T" can be a deceptive. Bipolar famously mimics other disorders in its various phases and can only be adequately diagnosed on the basis of a detailed history and ongoing observation.)
There are several newer mood stabilizers than lithium, and indeed my impression is that lithium is used less and less for bipolar these days because the newer ones (tegratol, depakote) work better with fewer side effects and interactions. If an anti-depressant is indicated, there are usually safer choices than an SSRI.
"Isolation" from the world is not a likely-sounding treatment strategy either. You do know, I hope, that bipolar disease carries a greatly elevated risk of suicide? Her "isolation," as others have said, is likely either a symptom of her illness or it goes beyond the illness per se, even if the illness is the proximate excuse.
Is her doctor a psychiatrist? Hard to believe, and on the basis of your description s/he sounds incompetent based on my personal experience
Also, you toss out the diagnosis of epilepsy as if it is unrelated. There is clinical science that suggests a higher than baseline correlation of serious agitated depression (though not bipolar disease, and the two are easy to confuse in crisis) with epilepsy (both neurological and psychosocial reasons have been advanced). I hope she is under good care for the epilepsy, and that the doctor responsible for that care is part of the picture here. The links between epilepsy and mood disorders are complex and there's no way these two diagnoses should be managed discretely. And from what I've read, there are better first choices than prozac to treat depression, whatever the underlying disorder, in conjunction with epilepsy. Depakote, for example, is used to treat both bipolar disease (as a mood stabilizer) and to control seizures in cases of epilepsy (as an anti-convulsant).
I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. But it is always good medical advice to get a fresh opinion from a different doctor if what you're doing isn't working.
posted by realcountrymusic at 10:31 AM on December 27, 2005
There are several newer mood stabilizers than lithium, and indeed my impression is that lithium is used less and less for bipolar these days because the newer ones (tegratol, depakote) work better with fewer side effects and interactions. If an anti-depressant is indicated, there are usually safer choices than an SSRI.
"Isolation" from the world is not a likely-sounding treatment strategy either. You do know, I hope, that bipolar disease carries a greatly elevated risk of suicide? Her "isolation," as others have said, is likely either a symptom of her illness or it goes beyond the illness per se, even if the illness is the proximate excuse.
Is her doctor a psychiatrist? Hard to believe, and on the basis of your description s/he sounds incompetent based on my personal experience
Also, you toss out the diagnosis of epilepsy as if it is unrelated. There is clinical science that suggests a higher than baseline correlation of serious agitated depression (though not bipolar disease, and the two are easy to confuse in crisis) with epilepsy (both neurological and psychosocial reasons have been advanced). I hope she is under good care for the epilepsy, and that the doctor responsible for that care is part of the picture here. The links between epilepsy and mood disorders are complex and there's no way these two diagnoses should be managed discretely. And from what I've read, there are better first choices than prozac to treat depression, whatever the underlying disorder, in conjunction with epilepsy. Depakote, for example, is used to treat both bipolar disease (as a mood stabilizer) and to control seizures in cases of epilepsy (as an anti-convulsant).
I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. But it is always good medical advice to get a fresh opinion from a different doctor if what you're doing isn't working.
posted by realcountrymusic at 10:31 AM on December 27, 2005
Few things:
I have to jump on board with the Prozac issue. I was a bit floored when I saw that was the prescription for her. I'm also not a doctor but spent years working in a community residential rehab (CRR) unit in Pennsylvania. I worked directly with clients of varying degrees of illness. Many were either diagnosed as bi-polar or it was a manifestation of some other schizoaffective disorder. No matter what, it's tough to deal with.
Most importantly - get another opinion. If you still have a limited relationship with her and you wish you continue this contact, urge her to see another doctor. What you've written bothers me and it doesn't strike me as consistent with 'typical' therapy. Locking herself up is the LAST thing a therapist would suggest. Nothing against this person she alledges seeing, but I've seen three different doctors diagnose the same patient with three different illnesses. Don't just assume because someone has the Dr. before their name they know it all. You'd be shocked how similar they are to mechanics; some find the problem right away and some just bullshit their way through at your expense. It's sad and I've seen it happen. Please, convince her to see someone else. It might help to tell her seeing someone else might allow her to get better medication or - perhaps - avoid medication (yes, we all know she's gonna need meds but you're trying to help this girl and getting her to see another dr. is really paramount, based on your writing, so I don't see the harm in the little white lie if it gets her thinking about it).
If she is truly bi-polar, I suggest you go on with your life. I'm not trying to be crass but as was stated earlier - it's a bitch of a disease and it is highly unlikely it will go away. Meds or no, she will still deal with mania and depression. It's a never ending rollercoaster and you will be along for the ride. Don't feel guilty for going on with your life. I promise you; if you work your way back into her life, she will hurt you - over and over.
At this CRR I worked at, the typical person with a single diagnosis of bi-polar was very intelligent and more often than not, pretty ok. But I cannot stress enough how bad the 'bad' days were. I say this because someone with say, schizophrenia might say things so out of context and so bizarre that you wouldn't take it personally, you'd say, "it's ok, she's sick, I know she didn't mean it". But a bi-polar person, particularly an intelligent one will say some unbelievably hurtful things to you during an episode. I've been on the receiving end more than once.
Run away.
I know you love her but the woman you love is gone. It's so damned sad that this happens to people but it is apparently the reality in your situation. Even if she could get into a place where meds and therapy were working for her, it's going to take a long time and meds don't work forever - the body adapts. I don't see anything wrong with continuing to be a source of support for her (not an enabler mind you) but resign yourself to finding someone else to live your life with. I truly wish you the best of luck.
Tell her to get another opinion, please.
posted by j.p. Hung at 11:29 AM on December 27, 2005
I have to jump on board with the Prozac issue. I was a bit floored when I saw that was the prescription for her. I'm also not a doctor but spent years working in a community residential rehab (CRR) unit in Pennsylvania. I worked directly with clients of varying degrees of illness. Many were either diagnosed as bi-polar or it was a manifestation of some other schizoaffective disorder. No matter what, it's tough to deal with.
Most importantly - get another opinion. If you still have a limited relationship with her and you wish you continue this contact, urge her to see another doctor. What you've written bothers me and it doesn't strike me as consistent with 'typical' therapy. Locking herself up is the LAST thing a therapist would suggest. Nothing against this person she alledges seeing, but I've seen three different doctors diagnose the same patient with three different illnesses. Don't just assume because someone has the Dr. before their name they know it all. You'd be shocked how similar they are to mechanics; some find the problem right away and some just bullshit their way through at your expense. It's sad and I've seen it happen. Please, convince her to see someone else. It might help to tell her seeing someone else might allow her to get better medication or - perhaps - avoid medication (yes, we all know she's gonna need meds but you're trying to help this girl and getting her to see another dr. is really paramount, based on your writing, so I don't see the harm in the little white lie if it gets her thinking about it).
If she is truly bi-polar, I suggest you go on with your life. I'm not trying to be crass but as was stated earlier - it's a bitch of a disease and it is highly unlikely it will go away. Meds or no, she will still deal with mania and depression. It's a never ending rollercoaster and you will be along for the ride. Don't feel guilty for going on with your life. I promise you; if you work your way back into her life, she will hurt you - over and over.
At this CRR I worked at, the typical person with a single diagnosis of bi-polar was very intelligent and more often than not, pretty ok. But I cannot stress enough how bad the 'bad' days were. I say this because someone with say, schizophrenia might say things so out of context and so bizarre that you wouldn't take it personally, you'd say, "it's ok, she's sick, I know she didn't mean it". But a bi-polar person, particularly an intelligent one will say some unbelievably hurtful things to you during an episode. I've been on the receiving end more than once.
Run away.
I know you love her but the woman you love is gone. It's so damned sad that this happens to people but it is apparently the reality in your situation. Even if she could get into a place where meds and therapy were working for her, it's going to take a long time and meds don't work forever - the body adapts. I don't see anything wrong with continuing to be a source of support for her (not an enabler mind you) but resign yourself to finding someone else to live your life with. I truly wish you the best of luck.
Tell her to get another opinion, please.
posted by j.p. Hung at 11:29 AM on December 27, 2005
I have no idea what the truth is, but I just wanted to throw out that I read "She's returned home" as "she's returned to her parents' home," not that she's holed up on her own. Especially since she's only in her mid-20s.
Wanted to state that possibility to prevent too much potentially-unnecessary derailing.
posted by occhiblu at 11:34 AM on December 27, 2005
Wanted to state that possibility to prevent too much potentially-unnecessary derailing.
posted by occhiblu at 11:34 AM on December 27, 2005
It is obvious you love this person, and want what is best for her. It seems like you really miss her.
I will speculate that, since you mention that she has had a couple of "breakdowns," she is dealing with some badass depression.
Every person with Bipolar Disorder is different, and the disease manifests itself differently in everyone. It will take some time for both of you to understand how your relationship will be affected. Be prepared for lots of change and uncertainty for a while.
The advice given above for you to "cut and run" makes me sad. You may, indeed, find that you can't personally deal with the situation, or with her. But I recommend giving it a good try. Everyone is weird, everyone has difficult character traits, everyone has personal struggles. And everyone deserves to be loved for who they are.
I wish you both the very best.
posted by shifafa at 11:37 AM on December 27, 2005
I will speculate that, since you mention that she has had a couple of "breakdowns," she is dealing with some badass depression.
Every person with Bipolar Disorder is different, and the disease manifests itself differently in everyone. It will take some time for both of you to understand how your relationship will be affected. Be prepared for lots of change and uncertainty for a while.
The advice given above for you to "cut and run" makes me sad. You may, indeed, find that you can't personally deal with the situation, or with her. But I recommend giving it a good try. Everyone is weird, everyone has difficult character traits, everyone has personal struggles. And everyone deserves to be loved for who they are.
I wish you both the very best.
posted by shifafa at 11:37 AM on December 27, 2005
I am not going to get into details about my personal life, but believe me - I have been down the same road you are travelling now. If I can give you one piece of advice is GO AWAY.
Mood disorders are not cancer or AIDS. It's not (only) her body that's sick. As JP said, the woman you love is gone, and yes, she will try by all means to drag you down with her when the bad days come.
If you feel you can't leave, or totally disagree with me, at least do yourself a favor and start reading about codependency IMMEDIATELY. Codependent No More is a fantastic book. Read it.
If you were older, and had a longer relationship with this woman, I would tell you to try a little before leaving. But given your young age, I urge you not to throw away the best years of your life. It's not your problem.
Good luck.
posted by falameufilho at 1:46 PM on December 27, 2005
Mood disorders are not cancer or AIDS. It's not (only) her body that's sick. As JP said, the woman you love is gone, and yes, she will try by all means to drag you down with her when the bad days come.
If you feel you can't leave, or totally disagree with me, at least do yourself a favor and start reading about codependency IMMEDIATELY. Codependent No More is a fantastic book. Read it.
If you were older, and had a longer relationship with this woman, I would tell you to try a little before leaving. But given your young age, I urge you not to throw away the best years of your life. It's not your problem.
Good luck.
posted by falameufilho at 1:46 PM on December 27, 2005
Uh, guys, it is entirely possible she can get stable. Not all of us are miserable freaks who make our loved ones lives a living hell. He certainly has time to determine whether or not she is able to get stabilized on meds. Preferably something besides unopposed Prozac....
Yes, some of us have worse problems and prognoses than others. But you all probably know bipolars-without knowing they are ill. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, salespeople, etc-the world is filled with us. I know three at my health club alone and those are just the ones that felt free to share with me.
posted by konolia at 1:53 PM on December 27, 2005
Yes, some of us have worse problems and prognoses than others. But you all probably know bipolars-without knowing they are ill. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, salespeople, etc-the world is filled with us. I know three at my health club alone and those are just the ones that felt free to share with me.
posted by konolia at 1:53 PM on December 27, 2005
You have to frame this kind of thing properly to get through it. You can't be in love with part of someone and just hope for them to get better. You have to commit to being with someone ill if you want to be a part of the healing process. Take a deep breath and mentally close off anything else you might do with your sanity for the next X years.
It's okay for someone to be ill. It's not like you just throw someone away if they have a disease. But you need to be honest about whether they are meeting your needs or if you are just waiting around for a future time when they might. You can lose a lot of time doing that. It isn't a fair expectation to put on someone.
If someone meets your basic needs but can improve, then you're in a good position to stick by them and be a helper. A mentally ill person can fulfill many needs: emotional security, financial security, companionship, physical intimacy, social support, fun, challenge, learning, etc. Is this person doing any of these for you? If not, you simply can't be her boyfriend. You can be her friend, and interested in her fortunes. But she's not capable of a relationship. It doesn't sound like you see each other much as it is.
Be really, really realistic. Not really, really heroic. You think that heroic is good. But it isn't. Honesty is what is really needed on both sides here, not valor.
posted by scarabic at 1:58 PM on December 27, 2005
It's okay for someone to be ill. It's not like you just throw someone away if they have a disease. But you need to be honest about whether they are meeting your needs or if you are just waiting around for a future time when they might. You can lose a lot of time doing that. It isn't a fair expectation to put on someone.
If someone meets your basic needs but can improve, then you're in a good position to stick by them and be a helper. A mentally ill person can fulfill many needs: emotional security, financial security, companionship, physical intimacy, social support, fun, challenge, learning, etc. Is this person doing any of these for you? If not, you simply can't be her boyfriend. You can be her friend, and interested in her fortunes. But she's not capable of a relationship. It doesn't sound like you see each other much as it is.
Be really, really realistic. Not really, really heroic. You think that heroic is good. But it isn't. Honesty is what is really needed on both sides here, not valor.
posted by scarabic at 1:58 PM on December 27, 2005
The replies that make this out to be hopeless are just wrong, and strike me as well-meaning, milder versions of the stigmatizing that manic depressives (sorry, that's the term I prefer, and I am one of them) often suffer from. Clinical depression is a disease and is less stigmatized, at least these days; I really hope and pray for a day when bipolar/MD is also seen as purely a disease.
The medicines out there are for management and preventative care. Everybody has a different medical need, and your friend definitely should try to find a skilled psychiatrist - that is, one who understands that prescribing meds is both an art and a science.
Lithium is not the only choice, or even - these days - the first choice. I'm on Lamictal, and I've found it to be quite good: my brother, for example, who only recently learned I was bipolar, told me that for months, he's noticed how much calmer and more peaceful I've been. My creative output (I'm a writer) has actually improved. Not increased - but improved. Much better!
I'm offering this because you do so seem to love your friend, and her diagnosis is neither a death sentence nor a life sentence - she can do fine and get better, with the help of a good doctor and good medicine. Yes, this is a chronic sickness, and it will cycle through states of remission and activity. Some of these cycles will be difficult. But that's no different than what one might say about a person with high blood pressure. My wish is that those who think otherwise - that MD/BP is something "extra" - would at least consider that they could be wrong (like hypertension, managing manic depression requires both medication and behavior modification; both diseases are chronic and can have systemic effects; both tend to run in families; and more. OK, end of rant.)
As far as the SSRIs, agreed that they can increase and make more severe the mood swings and manic episodes; however, it isn't an either/or situation. There are cases where anti-depressants can and shoud be mixed with mood stablizers. Again, what is most important is good communication with a doctor who listens, who you trust, and who is creative.
A good book: "Surviving Manic Depression," by Torrey and Knabble. Invaluable for both the afflicted and their loved ones.
posted by soulbarn at 5:31 PM on December 27, 2005
The medicines out there are for management and preventative care. Everybody has a different medical need, and your friend definitely should try to find a skilled psychiatrist - that is, one who understands that prescribing meds is both an art and a science.
Lithium is not the only choice, or even - these days - the first choice. I'm on Lamictal, and I've found it to be quite good: my brother, for example, who only recently learned I was bipolar, told me that for months, he's noticed how much calmer and more peaceful I've been. My creative output (I'm a writer) has actually improved. Not increased - but improved. Much better!
I'm offering this because you do so seem to love your friend, and her diagnosis is neither a death sentence nor a life sentence - she can do fine and get better, with the help of a good doctor and good medicine. Yes, this is a chronic sickness, and it will cycle through states of remission and activity. Some of these cycles will be difficult. But that's no different than what one might say about a person with high blood pressure. My wish is that those who think otherwise - that MD/BP is something "extra" - would at least consider that they could be wrong (like hypertension, managing manic depression requires both medication and behavior modification; both diseases are chronic and can have systemic effects; both tend to run in families; and more. OK, end of rant.)
As far as the SSRIs, agreed that they can increase and make more severe the mood swings and manic episodes; however, it isn't an either/or situation. There are cases where anti-depressants can and shoud be mixed with mood stablizers. Again, what is most important is good communication with a doctor who listens, who you trust, and who is creative.
A good book: "Surviving Manic Depression," by Torrey and Knabble. Invaluable for both the afflicted and their loved ones.
posted by soulbarn at 5:31 PM on December 27, 2005
I'm sorry, but manic-depression is notably different from high blood pressure or congestive heart failure or diabetes or other chronic diseases.
Obviously it's just a disease. But it's a disease that, generally and roughly, makes people act like real Grade-A assholes. Not because the disease is hard to live with and it makes people grumpy, but because the disease itself causes asshole-ish behavior.
The point is that there's nothing wrong with dumping a girlfriend who is periodically and predictably a real asshole, if you want to. It doesn't matter whether she's an asshole because of bad upbringing, or a brain tumor, or bipolar disorder, or being a objectivist scientologist amway salesman, or having been raised by wolves. You can still break up with her with a clear conscience not because of her disease, but because of her behavior.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:13 PM on December 27, 2005
Obviously it's just a disease. But it's a disease that, generally and roughly, makes people act like real Grade-A assholes. Not because the disease is hard to live with and it makes people grumpy, but because the disease itself causes asshole-ish behavior.
The point is that there's nothing wrong with dumping a girlfriend who is periodically and predictably a real asshole, if you want to. It doesn't matter whether she's an asshole because of bad upbringing, or a brain tumor, or bipolar disorder, or being a objectivist scientologist amway salesman, or having been raised by wolves. You can still break up with her with a clear conscience not because of her disease, but because of her behavior.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:13 PM on December 27, 2005
Um, acting like a real asshole? Last time I looked, that wasn't a symptom in the DSM-IV. My very dear and sweet Irish grandmother was bi-polar. In her manic state, she was quite witty and charming. A bit overly so and impish and impulsive at the peak, but never mean. Her depressions could be quite deep. Unfortunately, the treatment in her day was very intense electro-shock therapy (not the modifed form they use today) which was horrific. A more loved woman in our clan you could not find, MD and all. So, please...no more of these ridiculous generalizations.
posted by jeanmari at 8:01 PM on December 27, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by jeanmari at 8:01 PM on December 27, 2005 [1 favorite]
Thank you jeanmari! Granted, some bipolars are unpleasant to deal with. But I've come across plenty of "normal" people who are assholes.
Those of you who have had bad experiences with bipolar people need to stop generalizing. I'm sorry you suffered, but you can't project your experience onto every person with bipolar disorder.
posted by shifafa at 11:42 AM on December 28, 2005
Those of you who have had bad experiences with bipolar people need to stop generalizing. I'm sorry you suffered, but you can't project your experience onto every person with bipolar disorder.
posted by shifafa at 11:42 AM on December 28, 2005
Well, yes, I put that badly.
But there is a strong correlation between bipolar disorder and behavior that many would find objectionable in a mate.
And -- and this is the point -- it's easy to get trapped into thinking that because your girlfriend or wife has a disease like any other, that you just have to shut up and put up with the flamboyant outbursts, or verbal abuse, or risk-taking behaviors, or whatever, or various unpleasant behaviors that might manifest in depressive phases.
But you don't. You don't have to put up with that from a bipolar girlfriend any more than you do from one that isn't. It doesn't really matter why someone is doing these things you don't like, the point is that you don't need to continue being the boyfriend of someone who keeps doing things you don't like.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:05 PM on December 28, 2005
But there is a strong correlation between bipolar disorder and behavior that many would find objectionable in a mate.
And -- and this is the point -- it's easy to get trapped into thinking that because your girlfriend or wife has a disease like any other, that you just have to shut up and put up with the flamboyant outbursts, or verbal abuse, or risk-taking behaviors, or whatever, or various unpleasant behaviors that might manifest in depressive phases.
But you don't. You don't have to put up with that from a bipolar girlfriend any more than you do from one that isn't. It doesn't really matter why someone is doing these things you don't like, the point is that you don't need to continue being the boyfriend of someone who keeps doing things you don't like.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:05 PM on December 28, 2005
Wow, lots of lack-of-understanding in this thread, and people who seem angry at being burned in a relationship with a bipolar that went sour. Hey look, having a relationship go bad is pretty common - there's not always a disease to blame, sometimes people are jerks just because they are jerks, or jerks *on top of* having a condition.
I promise you; if you work your way back into her life, she will hurt you - over and over.
You have no way of knowing this. If someone did this to you, I'm sorry, but it certainly doesn't mean that all of us who are bipolar are necessarily hell to live with.
I'm bipolar, and wasn't diagnosed until 2001. It wasn't until 2003 that I got on a good combination of drugs that really gave me my life back and let me function at a level I would call "normal" (or as close as I can reasonably get to it). A lot of bipolar treatment is like stabbing in the dark, and it can be very frustrating trying to find a combination of meds that does the job for a given person. It is important not to give up, and not to settle for mere *existence* when the person could potentially be feeling well enough to be truly *living* instead.
It's somewhat bewildering sometimes, trying to figure out if I'm feeling low because my medication is not working anymore at the current dose, or because it's just normal variation in mood, or because something bad happened. Keeping a journal and rating my mood on a scale of 1-10 can help me spot patterns. Sometimes I don't realize I've been slipping until a trend of a week or two has made itself known. This disease can require a lot of self-assessment (which is often tricky) and reevaluation of medication dosing and whatnot. But then, some people do very well on the same meds for long stretches - years, a decade, maybe longer.
One thing about depakote I want to mention - I was on it for a year and gained 50 pounds. It's known for making people crave starch. Just an FYI.
Right now I'm on two antidepressants and an atypical anti-psychotic ("atypical" means it has mood-stabilizing properties as well), a combo that has worked well for me for the past two years with periodic increases in the antidepressants.
I want to say that not all of us are monsters in relationships. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around, but I do my best to treat people with respect, to be very loving and supportive in relationships, and to apologize when I know I am in a cranky mood or whatever.
And I've been in plenty of relationships with "normal" people who have been complete assholes - lying, cheating, manipulating, abusive treatment, and on and on. So I really don't think this "bipolar people are horrible RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!" kind of attitude is fair.
Frankly, a clued-in partner who really loves and wants to help their partner can help a bipolar person stay on top of their treatment. They can notice trends that are too subtle for the bipolar person to realize themselves, stuff like that. I have benefitted from this myself - I tried hormonal birth control not long ago and didn't realize just how unlike myself I had been getting, but my boyfriend helped me bring it into focus and realize that it was having a bad effect on me. I stopped it and felt better within days.
This can be a tough disease, but that doesn't mean you just throw up your hands and give up on someone you love and share your life with.
I happen to be dating someone who is bipolar now, and I think this works well for both of us. We both know what it's like to have a bad day, and we cut each other slack where it really counts, because we know what it's like to be there ourselves. And this is just one data point, but for my boyfriend, when he's feeling really poorly, isolation is just the thing that helps him. I feel bad sometimes that there's nothing more I can really do for him, but giving him his space for a day or two until his difficulty passes is what works for us.
I wish you the best of luck. It's not an easy diagnosis to get, and it can be difficult to find the right treatment, because everyone is a bit different, and the disease changes over time. Your loving support can be a huge, huge help to her. It may take her some time to really learn how to manage it, so patience is important. She is still the person you fell in love with.
posted by beth at 3:50 PM on December 28, 2005 [1 favorite]
I promise you; if you work your way back into her life, she will hurt you - over and over.
You have no way of knowing this. If someone did this to you, I'm sorry, but it certainly doesn't mean that all of us who are bipolar are necessarily hell to live with.
I'm bipolar, and wasn't diagnosed until 2001. It wasn't until 2003 that I got on a good combination of drugs that really gave me my life back and let me function at a level I would call "normal" (or as close as I can reasonably get to it). A lot of bipolar treatment is like stabbing in the dark, and it can be very frustrating trying to find a combination of meds that does the job for a given person. It is important not to give up, and not to settle for mere *existence* when the person could potentially be feeling well enough to be truly *living* instead.
It's somewhat bewildering sometimes, trying to figure out if I'm feeling low because my medication is not working anymore at the current dose, or because it's just normal variation in mood, or because something bad happened. Keeping a journal and rating my mood on a scale of 1-10 can help me spot patterns. Sometimes I don't realize I've been slipping until a trend of a week or two has made itself known. This disease can require a lot of self-assessment (which is often tricky) and reevaluation of medication dosing and whatnot. But then, some people do very well on the same meds for long stretches - years, a decade, maybe longer.
One thing about depakote I want to mention - I was on it for a year and gained 50 pounds. It's known for making people crave starch. Just an FYI.
Right now I'm on two antidepressants and an atypical anti-psychotic ("atypical" means it has mood-stabilizing properties as well), a combo that has worked well for me for the past two years with periodic increases in the antidepressants.
I want to say that not all of us are monsters in relationships. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around, but I do my best to treat people with respect, to be very loving and supportive in relationships, and to apologize when I know I am in a cranky mood or whatever.
And I've been in plenty of relationships with "normal" people who have been complete assholes - lying, cheating, manipulating, abusive treatment, and on and on. So I really don't think this "bipolar people are horrible RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!" kind of attitude is fair.
Frankly, a clued-in partner who really loves and wants to help their partner can help a bipolar person stay on top of their treatment. They can notice trends that are too subtle for the bipolar person to realize themselves, stuff like that. I have benefitted from this myself - I tried hormonal birth control not long ago and didn't realize just how unlike myself I had been getting, but my boyfriend helped me bring it into focus and realize that it was having a bad effect on me. I stopped it and felt better within days.
This can be a tough disease, but that doesn't mean you just throw up your hands and give up on someone you love and share your life with.
I happen to be dating someone who is bipolar now, and I think this works well for both of us. We both know what it's like to have a bad day, and we cut each other slack where it really counts, because we know what it's like to be there ourselves. And this is just one data point, but for my boyfriend, when he's feeling really poorly, isolation is just the thing that helps him. I feel bad sometimes that there's nothing more I can really do for him, but giving him his space for a day or two until his difficulty passes is what works for us.
I wish you the best of luck. It's not an easy diagnosis to get, and it can be difficult to find the right treatment, because everyone is a bit different, and the disease changes over time. Your loving support can be a huge, huge help to her. It may take her some time to really learn how to manage it, so patience is important. She is still the person you fell in love with.
posted by beth at 3:50 PM on December 28, 2005 [1 favorite]
I just want to clarify - "bipolar" certainly doesn't mean just one thing. There are worlds of difference between someone who is bipolar who is untreated or ineffectively treated, and someone who is bipolar who is stable and well-managed with good treatment. Maybe this is at the heart of the negative experiences people have had with some bipolars in relationships.
The point is, it is possible to be bipolar and be relatively "normal". It requires good treatment, self-knowledge, and a willingness to make updates to the treatment when called for.
posted by beth at 3:54 PM on December 28, 2005
The point is, it is possible to be bipolar and be relatively "normal". It requires good treatment, self-knowledge, and a willingness to make updates to the treatment when called for.
posted by beth at 3:54 PM on December 28, 2005
Of course people with bipolar can be perfectly good partners.
But.
When they're not, when they're unpleasant or not acting like somebody you want to be with, that's a good enough reason to break up with them, same as for anyone else. That is all.
Your loving support can be a huge, huge help to her.
This seems almost certainly true, but not the issue. The issue is whether anonymous is better off with or without her. A girlfriend is someone who you have not committed your life to, is someone who is a candidate for committing your life to. If she doesn't pass muster, even if it's at least in part because of an illness, then move along.
None of this means that she won't respond to treatment well and be well within the range of normal or acceptable behavior. All I'm saying is that anonymous should prepare himself for the possibility that she will be unpleasant over the long term, and that if that happens, he should not fall into the trap of heroically sticking to her because she's ill. Instead, if she doesn't treat him as he wants to be treated or behaves in ways he finds unacceptable, he should break up with her, same as he would anyone else whose behavior indicated that she was not really compatible.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:51 PM on December 28, 2005
But.
When they're not, when they're unpleasant or not acting like somebody you want to be with, that's a good enough reason to break up with them, same as for anyone else. That is all.
Your loving support can be a huge, huge help to her.
This seems almost certainly true, but not the issue. The issue is whether anonymous is better off with or without her. A girlfriend is someone who you have not committed your life to, is someone who is a candidate for committing your life to. If she doesn't pass muster, even if it's at least in part because of an illness, then move along.
None of this means that she won't respond to treatment well and be well within the range of normal or acceptable behavior. All I'm saying is that anonymous should prepare himself for the possibility that she will be unpleasant over the long term, and that if that happens, he should not fall into the trap of heroically sticking to her because she's ill. Instead, if she doesn't treat him as he wants to be treated or behaves in ways he finds unacceptable, he should break up with her, same as he would anyone else whose behavior indicated that she was not really compatible.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:51 PM on December 28, 2005
Bipolar = Asshole?
What a bunch of bigoted crap.
Yes, if you can't deal with your loved one being bipolar, leave. But remember you are leaving for your reasons, not theirs. Hey, dump your girlfriend/boyfriend if they have cancer or herpes or pimples or a big ass or whatever. If you can't deal, there's no doubt you shoudn't be there. You don't deserve to.
Sure, I'm bipolar, so I'm biased. My girlfriend is not bipolar. Our relationship has many challenges. Her love and support are one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. Knowing that she cares about me makes me want to do better - in both treating my condition, and as a person in general. We both have issues and challenges, and our love has been an odyssey, and not always an easy one.
But guess what? The thing that makes me love her the most, and the thing - I think she'd agree - that makes her care about me is that we've stuck with each other through the troubled times we've had, no matter who was troubled, or how.
People who bail out sometimes have good reasons. Sometimes not.
You may not know what you're missing - both good and bad. Consider that.
Look, love is hard. It is hard because of a million things, some of which we can help, some of which we can't. If you're not willing to work at it, then fine.
But to the bigots: when you're looking for the asshole, look in the mirror.
posted by soulbarn at 2:32 PM on December 29, 2005 [1 favorite]
What a bunch of bigoted crap.
Yes, if you can't deal with your loved one being bipolar, leave. But remember you are leaving for your reasons, not theirs. Hey, dump your girlfriend/boyfriend if they have cancer or herpes or pimples or a big ass or whatever. If you can't deal, there's no doubt you shoudn't be there. You don't deserve to.
Sure, I'm bipolar, so I'm biased. My girlfriend is not bipolar. Our relationship has many challenges. Her love and support are one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. Knowing that she cares about me makes me want to do better - in both treating my condition, and as a person in general. We both have issues and challenges, and our love has been an odyssey, and not always an easy one.
But guess what? The thing that makes me love her the most, and the thing - I think she'd agree - that makes her care about me is that we've stuck with each other through the troubled times we've had, no matter who was troubled, or how.
People who bail out sometimes have good reasons. Sometimes not.
You may not know what you're missing - both good and bad. Consider that.
Look, love is hard. It is hard because of a million things, some of which we can help, some of which we can't. If you're not willing to work at it, then fine.
But to the bigots: when you're looking for the asshole, look in the mirror.
posted by soulbarn at 2:32 PM on December 29, 2005 [1 favorite]
I think what scarabic wrote earlier bears repeating:
"It's okay for someone to be ill. It's not like you just throw someone away if they have a disease. But you need to be honest about whether they are meeting your needs or if you are just waiting around for a future time when they might. You can lose a lot of time doing that. It isn't a fair expectation to put on someone.."
posted by footnote at 3:31 PM on December 29, 2005
"It's okay for someone to be ill. It's not like you just throw someone away if they have a disease. But you need to be honest about whether they are meeting your needs or if you are just waiting around for a future time when they might. You can lose a lot of time doing that. It isn't a fair expectation to put on someone.."
posted by footnote at 3:31 PM on December 29, 2005
Summarizing this thread:
- People who were massacred by bipolars / borderliners / psychotics in previous relationships came out and cried "RUN!"
- Bipolar / borderliner / psychotic MeFites came out and cried "but we are not that bad!"
One character failed to show up, though: someone who is not bipolar / borderliner / psychotic that says "you know, I had a bipolar girlfriend / boyfriend once, and it was ok, we loved each other and his / her disease was a bit of a nuisance but it wasnt a huge cross I had to bear".
Why? Because I don't really think this lighter view of mood disorders exist on the other side of the relationship, sorry. The view that remains, once you are through, is the neverending "what the fuck was I thinking" feeling.
posted by falameufilho at 8:52 AM on January 5, 2006 [2 favorites]
- People who were massacred by bipolars / borderliners / psychotics in previous relationships came out and cried "RUN!"
- Bipolar / borderliner / psychotic MeFites came out and cried "but we are not that bad!"
One character failed to show up, though: someone who is not bipolar / borderliner / psychotic that says "you know, I had a bipolar girlfriend / boyfriend once, and it was ok, we loved each other and his / her disease was a bit of a nuisance but it wasnt a huge cross I had to bear".
Why? Because I don't really think this lighter view of mood disorders exist on the other side of the relationship, sorry. The view that remains, once you are through, is the neverending "what the fuck was I thinking" feeling.
posted by falameufilho at 8:52 AM on January 5, 2006 [2 favorites]
my ex bipolar girlfriend recently packed up all her
>>belongings including our dog and left the State
>>of Florida ro pursue her so called musci career
>>at
>>the age of 27.
>>I was supporting her fianancially and she just
>>left with out telling me. I went to her apt to find out she was gone.
>>Shehasyet to talk to me or even email me. She has since gone home to ohio
>>after 2 weeks . I do love her and I am starting to understand the disease.
>>PS mom recently passed and she knows and still no word from her...messed
>>up
>>if u ask me..it has been six weeks sisnce i have heard from her
posted by magic74 at 8:02 AM on June 19, 2006
>>belongings including our dog and left the State
>>of Florida ro pursue her so called musci career
>>at
>>the age of 27.
>>I was supporting her fianancially and she just
>>left with out telling me. I went to her apt to find out she was gone.
>>Shehasyet to talk to me or even email me. She has since gone home to ohio
>>after 2 weeks . I do love her and I am starting to understand the disease.
>>PS mom recently passed and she knows and still no word from her...messed
>>up
>>if u ask me..it has been six weeks sisnce i have heard from her
posted by magic74 at 8:02 AM on June 19, 2006
i found this page today, and i have been reading the comments, and i think is really sad how people can still be ignorant about this topic. i was diagnosed with borderline personality couple of years ago, there's not too much that you can do about that besides therapy i also had severe depression, when i found out i had BP my drepression got worse and my doctor got me on meds a year after i decided to stop taking them since i new it was going to come to the point where my body will get use to it and i would have to take something estronger.
after 2 years of not taking my meds i started felling the same way i used to, so i decided to start with therapy again and try to get better before to go back on meds. when i went back to therapy i decided to go to a new doctor, since the first session he mention about the BP, but he also told me that it was leaning more towards bipolar disorder, i was not too happy about that(i know how "normal" people see it) and i was afraid what people will say or think, i couldn't understand and accept the fact that i was mentally ill. it has been over half of year since that and since then i keep trying to set my mind to the fact that is something that is never gonna go away i still hate it and i try for people not to find about it wich is really hard, but i also realized that i only have 2 options live with it and try to do my best to control it and deal with it or live with it and realy on meds and let it affect me for the rest of my life. i have gotten better and i can honestly say that i have more control over it than i did half of year ago, i know im not cured and i will never be, but now i can accept it and deal with it. i would rather not have it at all but is good enough to have it under control since i used to think i would never be able to do that because it was horrible.
i understand that everybody's case is different but i do think that if the person makes a big effort to control it, it can deffenitly get better. that's why i dont think that leaving a person that you care about and love because of the mental health is a good excuse, i am aware that we can be difficult but so can any other person. therefore i really recomend you to think why did you started dating this person and if you think you can deal with it, and if you decide to stay with her make sure that is not out of pitty.
it can be really hard but if you have good communication with her and find something that you can do to help her while she is in one of her weird moods that will make it easier for you to deal with it. it might be also helpfull if you help her see that this is something normal that some people go through and she is not the only one.
posted by xar at 8:44 AM on June 27, 2006
after 2 years of not taking my meds i started felling the same way i used to, so i decided to start with therapy again and try to get better before to go back on meds. when i went back to therapy i decided to go to a new doctor, since the first session he mention about the BP, but he also told me that it was leaning more towards bipolar disorder, i was not too happy about that(i know how "normal" people see it) and i was afraid what people will say or think, i couldn't understand and accept the fact that i was mentally ill. it has been over half of year since that and since then i keep trying to set my mind to the fact that is something that is never gonna go away i still hate it and i try for people not to find about it wich is really hard, but i also realized that i only have 2 options live with it and try to do my best to control it and deal with it or live with it and realy on meds and let it affect me for the rest of my life. i have gotten better and i can honestly say that i have more control over it than i did half of year ago, i know im not cured and i will never be, but now i can accept it and deal with it. i would rather not have it at all but is good enough to have it under control since i used to think i would never be able to do that because it was horrible.
i understand that everybody's case is different but i do think that if the person makes a big effort to control it, it can deffenitly get better. that's why i dont think that leaving a person that you care about and love because of the mental health is a good excuse, i am aware that we can be difficult but so can any other person. therefore i really recomend you to think why did you started dating this person and if you think you can deal with it, and if you decide to stay with her make sure that is not out of pitty.
it can be really hard but if you have good communication with her and find something that you can do to help her while she is in one of her weird moods that will make it easier for you to deal with it. it might be also helpfull if you help her see that this is something normal that some people go through and she is not the only one.
posted by xar at 8:44 AM on June 27, 2006
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This thread is closed to new comments.
Bipolar is serious bad shit. It's treatable, but if she can't take lithium, well, that's bad. Barring radical advances in medical tech, this is not going to go away, ever. She will be taking meds for the rest of her natural life, except for the times when she drops off them because she can't stand the serious side-effects of many of the drugs and her condition goes full-bore again.
There seems to be a strong genetic component to it, and she'd likely have to be off her meds during pregnancy, attempts thereunto, and (IIRC, IANAMD) during nursing, all of which can put kids if not off the table, then on the edge of it.
Conquering any feelings isn't necessary. What's necessary for your is to take care of yourself. Do not approach this with the mindset of "What do I have to do to keep us together?," which seems implicit in your post, because you emphatically do not have to keep you together. There's a strong chance that she's going to either break up with you or do something unpleasant enough and often enough that you will want to break up with her, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend you're not getting along with, should it come to that, and that doesn't change just because you're not getting along with her for reasons related to her having bipolar disorder.
You should talk to a professional about this, with the mindset of figuring out strategies for dealing with the inevitable unpleasantnesses, and to help you figure out whether you want to be part of her life knowing that there are likely going to be nontrivial limits on it, and that there's a strong chance that her life will not be a very happy one entirely irrespective of anything you do.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:51 PM on December 26, 2005