Comedy for kids
May 18, 2016 6:19 AM   Subscribe

I am looking for jokes that will crack up a 5 year old.

I've recently started to do quick presentations on puppetry for kids. I am sometimes considered funny by adults, but I keep finding myself saying, "That joke will be funny to you in 12 years!" when talking to kids. I realize sometimes you have to make the parents laugh, but I want jokes that will make children lose it. Think stand-up for toddlers.

Example:

Why do fish swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

It can be a longer bit with a groaner payoff (a tall tale), but it needs to be something that won't lose kids. The age range is 2-8, but honestly, the kids younger than 5 are just there for the puppets. I stay far away from controversial topics (no religion jokes). I'd also take recommendations for kids joke books or for comedy with kids in general.

It should go without saying that I may use your joke with kids or on a video.
posted by cjorgensen to Grab Bag (36 answers total) 37 users marked this as a favorite
 
what's brown and sticky?

a stick
posted by blob at 6:21 AM on May 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


What did the man say when his head fell off?
Ha ha bonk
posted by glasseyes at 6:33 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Pretty funny previously
posted by Mchelly at 6:35 AM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Anyhow my favorite right now:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No you're a poo!
posted by Mchelly at 6:36 AM on May 18, 2016 [11 favorites]


Why should you always have asparagus?
In case you lose your first-agus!

Credit to mrjohnmuller. Quite a few of the jokes in that thread are kid-appropriate, but not all.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:40 AM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


what do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite
what do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
why did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut
did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head
what did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt
Where did the general keep his armies? In his sleevies
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Source: parent of second grader.
posted by gaspode at 6:41 AM on May 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Bennet Cerf's Book of Riddles was a favorite when we were kids.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:47 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


My absolute favorites:

Q: What do you can a fish with no eyes?

A: Fsssssshhhhhh.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: I have no-eye-deer!

And my 8 year old nephew told me this one the other day-

Q: What do you call someone with no body and a nose?

A: No body nose. (Nobody knows)
posted by jaksemas at 6:48 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


My favorite joke for kids:

Q. What goes thorough a bug's mind as he's about to hit the windshield.

A. His butt.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:50 AM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


What happened when the cannibal was late for dinner?
His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
Dam!
posted by jhope71 at 6:52 AM on May 18, 2016


What's large, grey and invisible?
An elephant around the corner.

What's brown, hairy and coming down from a mountain?
A skiwi!
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:00 AM on May 18, 2016


At 5 they're juuuuust starting to understand this kind of wordplay--at least, my personal 5-year old doesn't understand these kinds of jokes. But he loves:

-Rhymes that get silly like Apples and Bananas
-Unexpected combinations of familiar mental images like Bananaphone (That's actually a good example of playing to different levels because he doesn't understand why 'mama and papa and Gramaphone" is funny, but "I'll call my cat!" is uproarious.) His current favorite joke is in this category: "A Santalite dish is like a satellite dish, but with much more Santa."
-Mild potty humor like in the Captain Underpants books.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:04 AM on May 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a Christmas tree?

A. A porcupine!

Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRGGGGHHHH. (Note that this joke stopped being funny when there started to be 100 Pirates of the Caribbean sequels, such that there was an actual new pirate movie frequently.)

Q. What's a snake's favorite subject in school?

A. Hiss-tory.

Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A. Where's my tractor?
posted by kevinbelt at 7:05 AM on May 18, 2016


How much tickling does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles!

(This could probably be accompanied by actual tickling.)
posted by maryr at 7:13 AM on May 18, 2016


So old it's new: "What can jump higher than your house?" "Anything! Your house can't jump!" [Substitute some other well known tall structure if the child's house is actually so small one could jump over it. It was "the Empire State Building" when I first heard this joke, at age 5, in 1958.]

If they know what Milk of Magnesia is: "Why is milk of magnesia so expensive?" "Have you ever tried to milk a magnesia?" [I admit I was 8 when I heard that one, so it may be too sophisticated.]
posted by ubiquity at 7:26 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
I'm eighty! (but you say it like "Aye matey" in a stereotypical pirate-voice)
posted by 23skidoo at 7:30 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Many kids I know are fans of the "Interrupting ______" genre, with the classic being the Interrupting Cow:

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c--
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Once they understand the set up, you can do several in a row, using more and more absurd calls.
posted by jenquat at 7:33 AM on May 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


What does Captain Hook eat for breakfast? Peter Pancakes!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ach
Ach who?
Bless you!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Hoo
Hoo who?
Is there an owl in here?
posted by LKWorking at 7:34 AM on May 18, 2016


What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.
posted by bondcliff at 7:35 AM on May 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


(First ascertain that they have all seen Frozen, which they will have)

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?

She'll just let it go.

(I have not seen Frozen)
posted by sheldman at 7:37 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Why did the duck cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

(Source - my cousin, when she was seven - she sprang this on us, and my uncle lost his shit laughing at that one.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:48 AM on May 18, 2016


When I was a kid, it was elephant jokes:

Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:58 AM on May 18, 2016


My niece's favourite joke for a long time (I mean she told it so often and cracked up each time that it travelled the full funny-annoying-funny circle)

How does Batman's Mum call him in for tea?
Dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!
posted by billiebee at 8:01 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


How do elephants get flat feet?
From jumping out of trees.

How do elephants get wrinkled ankles?
From tying their shoes too tight.

Why did Willy throw the alarm clock out the window?
He wanted to watch time fly.

Source: my grade-school years in the 1940s.

Five years old may be young for "sick" jokes that we all loved when I was in 4th grade or so, so I'll save those.
posted by MovableBookLady at 8:32 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

I remember an aunt telling me that joke (the first time I met her) about fifty years ago. I wonder how long some of these things keep circulating?

All that comes to mind to me is a joke from the Backyardigans:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there!
Orange?
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

By the way, this thread is going to prove invaluable for the next set of lunchbox notes for the kiddo! Thanks!
posted by emmet at 8:37 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Chocolate Pickle: Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.


Did you ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
No?
It's working!

MovableBookLady: How do elephants get flat feet?
From jumping out of trees.


How do crocodiles get flat snouts?
From walking under the trees.
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:47 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Why did the Chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta!

For a longer groaner that kids love all the way through Multicellular Exothermic's Chicken in the Library joke from that other thread absolutely slays my kids.
posted by IanMorr at 9:53 AM on May 18, 2016


To follow along with the interrupting cow joke (which, I can assure you, kills), there are:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish
Interrupting sta...
put your open hand on their face, covering their mouth.

If they've seen Zootopia:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting sloth
Interrupting sloth who?
very, very, very slowly start to smile and raise one hand with a finger bent (like a sloth claw). You are a sloth and you aren't very good at interrupting
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:47 AM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Oooooh, nice belt!"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:48 PM on May 18, 2016


One of my nephew's recent favourites:

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:49 PM on May 18, 2016


Chocolate Pickle: Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.


How did Tarzan die? - Picking Cherries.
posted by smugly rowan at 1:49 PM on May 18, 2016


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
("Nhat your cheese")
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:10 PM on May 18, 2016


Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7-8-9. ("Seven ate nine")

When I was a kid, I just loved The Gigantic Joke Book. I can't tell you how many times I checked it out of the library.
posted by SisterHavana at 4:42 PM on May 18, 2016


Do they still publish "Highlights for Children"? When I was 5/6, it was the go to place for jokes. But that was a long time ago, in another century.

Just checked and it's still around! But I have no idea what the contents like.
posted by james33 at 4:33 AM on May 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye, matey!

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Smell mop...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It died.

Why did the parrot fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the monkey.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

The Lion King is hosting a meeting of all the animals.... except one. Which animal does not attend?
The Elephant. It's still in the refrigerator.

There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you get across?
You jump into the river and swim to the other side. All the crocodiles are at the meeting.

Source: Parent of triplet boys. These slay.
posted by teddymac at 5:26 AM on May 19, 2016


Thank you for this thread.
I tried out a number of these on my children, ages 6 - 11, and for the most part they groaned. I, however, am still hooting with laughter. The only conclusion is they are more mature than me.
posted by heigh-hothederryo at 9:39 PM on May 19, 2016


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