Living with ex. It's going well. How do I keep it going?
May 3, 2016 10:27 AM Subscribe
How do I keep this going?---We're best friends living together--2 gay men---after 7 year relationship . My mental health nosedived, I got angry 24/7,my lover became a caretaker who kept me from worst impulses--he quit his job for years just to deal with my harmful ways. But now we have a house, lots of dogs, a fledgling business. Finally getting the right help, I've stopped playing destructive head games. I miss partner but best friends thing is actually working better than much of the relationship did. We actually talk more, get along better. what gives?
IN case you're curious, He dates. I don't (SO not ready, need to fix myself first). It's not a secret, he's open and in clear communication and I've even met one of his dudes, had a fun, social time. He's not ready for a serious relationship AT ALL (in his own words). And I'm definitely not ready to live on my own--and am happily reconciled to celibacy for months, if not years. Becoming a nice, social, loving, grounded person has become my #1 goal. Living with ex is not without its crazy times and jealousies but for the most part, it's working, my mental health is really starting to come back. Business with him goes well. I've learned to talk less about the relationship that just ended and more about the present and future. We've developed a new overlapping social circle with people who really understand our living situation and like me and him individually.
This isn't what either of us would have dreamed in a million years but after all the damage I've caused, it's actually kind of healing for both of us in a way. How do I keep this going?
IN case you're curious, He dates. I don't (SO not ready, need to fix myself first). It's not a secret, he's open and in clear communication and I've even met one of his dudes, had a fun, social time. He's not ready for a serious relationship AT ALL (in his own words). And I'm definitely not ready to live on my own--and am happily reconciled to celibacy for months, if not years. Becoming a nice, social, loving, grounded person has become my #1 goal. Living with ex is not without its crazy times and jealousies but for the most part, it's working, my mental health is really starting to come back. Business with him goes well. I've learned to talk less about the relationship that just ended and more about the present and future. We've developed a new overlapping social circle with people who really understand our living situation and like me and him individually.
This isn't what either of us would have dreamed in a million years but after all the damage I've caused, it's actually kind of healing for both of us in a way. How do I keep this going?
Response by poster: Basically I screwed up really bad. This should feel like the end of my world. It hurts every day but I also finally feel like on the path back to relating to people, caring for them, listening deeply. Why should ending what was a very tender, if deeply troubled, relationship make things better? I'm baffled.
posted by caveatz at 10:34 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by caveatz at 10:34 AM on May 3, 2016
You need to have an honest game plan for what happens when one of you gets into a serious relationship.
FWIW I lived with an ex for years. We're still close friends and at this point consider each other family. As a living arrangement, it was great! However, our friendship would always strain when one of us was in a relationship and the other was not. It's something we never really worked out despite the fact that neither of us had any romantic intentions whatsoever while we were living together. It just always felt weird.
Also you need to be super extremely highly for real aware of whether you still have any feelings for him AT ALL, or whether the tiniest kernel of your mind is thinking "maybe someday..." especially considering you're on the upswing in terms of your mental health. Don't be in a living situation where, deep down, you believe that your reward for getting your shit together is to get back together with him.
posted by Sara C. at 10:36 AM on May 3, 2016 [18 favorites]
FWIW I lived with an ex for years. We're still close friends and at this point consider each other family. As a living arrangement, it was great! However, our friendship would always strain when one of us was in a relationship and the other was not. It's something we never really worked out despite the fact that neither of us had any romantic intentions whatsoever while we were living together. It just always felt weird.
Also you need to be super extremely highly for real aware of whether you still have any feelings for him AT ALL, or whether the tiniest kernel of your mind is thinking "maybe someday..." especially considering you're on the upswing in terms of your mental health. Don't be in a living situation where, deep down, you believe that your reward for getting your shit together is to get back together with him.
posted by Sara C. at 10:36 AM on May 3, 2016 [18 favorites]
I have been through this more than once and am, in fact, currently sort of in this situation presently (though it's been a little over a year since we broke up after 2 years of relationship and living together). We are now totally best friends. So, yes, how do you keep it going? Well, it's pretty easy -- really the only things to worry about are avoiding jealousy (which it sounds like you're doing fine at) and previous-relationship-specific issues. But, really, exes can make for wonderful close friends, as long as everyone maintains boundaries, communicates well, and leaves the prior relationship in the past.
So, keep going as you are. And good work! A lot of people have a very, very hard time with this.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 10:38 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
So, keep going as you are. And good work! A lot of people have a very, very hard time with this.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 10:38 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
What -- what is the problem? It seems like things are going okay?
I think one thing that's different (for better and for worse, no pun intended) about gay relationships is that we don't necessarily follow the Official Relationship Scripts; to some extent we build our own ways of doing relationships (and ending relationships) even in this new relatively gay-friendly society where it looks like "queer" culture is maybe not the only way that gay people are going to be living going forward.
Does that make sense?
But there are probably some things you can do to make sure things stay okay.
1) As commenters noted above, be sure you're being honest with yourself about how you're feeling.
2) Keep communicating well with your ex.
3) It might make sense to make sure you have enough money saved up to leave if things end up being not okay. You wouldn't want to end up in a situation where you feel it would be best to separate entirely, but you aren't able to come up with the money for a deposit on a different place, etc.
posted by tivalasvegas at 10:47 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think one thing that's different (for better and for worse, no pun intended) about gay relationships is that we don't necessarily follow the Official Relationship Scripts; to some extent we build our own ways of doing relationships (and ending relationships) even in this new relatively gay-friendly society where it looks like "queer" culture is maybe not the only way that gay people are going to be living going forward.
Does that make sense?
But there are probably some things you can do to make sure things stay okay.
1) As commenters noted above, be sure you're being honest with yourself about how you're feeling.
2) Keep communicating well with your ex.
3) It might make sense to make sure you have enough money saved up to leave if things end up being not okay. You wouldn't want to end up in a situation where you feel it would be best to separate entirely, but you aren't able to come up with the money for a deposit on a different place, etc.
posted by tivalasvegas at 10:47 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
And don't forget that you have only half the say in whether this keeps going. It's sounds like it's working fine for you, but remember that you have to be ok with it if he DOES get into a serious relationship, and HE has to be genuinely ok with this living situation, not just tolerating it while wanting something different. As long as those two things stay true the situation will work fine. Do make some plans for how you will find a roommate, though, if he decides he wants to move out. You say you're not ready to live on your own yet, but that's not your ex's problem to fix. Make sure he knows you like having him there, but you don't NEED him there because you would be able to Handle Your Own Shit just in case he's staying because he's gotten into the habit of taking care of you.
posted by MsMolly at 10:47 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by MsMolly at 10:47 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Why should ending the relationship make things better? Well, from your description there sounds like a bit of an imbalance in terms of support given in the relationship. I've been on both ends of this at various points. Being on the receiving end can make one feel pretty lousy about themselves, like they're sapping their partner's energy, not contributing enough emotionally, etc. When I've been on the receiving end and had that sort of relationship end, I've felt relieved that I'm no longer taxing a person I care about. In a way, it puts you both back on an equal footing again. And that feels much better than codependency.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 10:51 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 10:51 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh and I am on good terms with my ex (although we don't live together) and also with my husband's ex (who has stayed with us from time to time when he was between housing). So that's another data point for you -- things do not have to be CUT OFF ALL CONTACT regardless of what sitcoms/rom-coms/AskMefites have a tendency to say.
But also, it sounds like this is a pretty new thing. You should be prepared to have things not feel so good in a few months -- not that they will necessarily, but I think often people coming out of relationships are able to pretend that a new situation is okay for a while but it ends up that it is not working and one or both parties need to step away, temporarily or more long-term, until they are able to resolve their feelings on their own. You should know that it is okay to mourn the loss of your relationship and that it takes time to process what was good and what was bad about it. You should probably have some good friend (or therapist) whom you can work these things through with so that you're not processing with your ex.
posted by tivalasvegas at 10:52 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
But also, it sounds like this is a pretty new thing. You should be prepared to have things not feel so good in a few months -- not that they will necessarily, but I think often people coming out of relationships are able to pretend that a new situation is okay for a while but it ends up that it is not working and one or both parties need to step away, temporarily or more long-term, until they are able to resolve their feelings on their own. You should know that it is okay to mourn the loss of your relationship and that it takes time to process what was good and what was bad about it. You should probably have some good friend (or therapist) whom you can work these things through with so that you're not processing with your ex.
posted by tivalasvegas at 10:52 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Why should ending what was a very tender, if deeply troubled, relationship make things better?
Sometimes, in my experience, falling in love or having a sexual relationship is what starts a relationship going, but the "right" relationship between the people is not to be lovers forever, but something else.
I was in your situation once, or something like it. My lover and I broke up; we'd been together a couple of years. We had a two-bedroom apartment we liked and lived together well. We knew that one of us should probably move out, but somehow neither of us ever did, and at some point we realized we'd moved on to be something else and were happy staying together as best friends and each other's family. We lived together for another couple of years, and have lived together off and on since then along with my long-term partner (23 years now), who is also my ex's closest friend. During the time we lived together, both of us dated other people.
You may also be feeling good despite the pain of the lover relationship ending because when an old thing ends, new things become possible. The pain of ending and the excitement of beginning can be happening at the same time. Your breakup may symbolize or be part of breaking a pattern in which your lover cared for you, and you needed to be cared for. But here you are, moving into a time in your life where you will be increasingly able to care for yourself.
My friend and I managed our ongoing post-breakup relationship by accepting that, although we didn't quite understand it, it was working for us. We moved apart when it stopped working, and at that point, living apart improved our relationship. We moved back in together when it made sense to do that, and lived together for years, until one of us moved to be with a new lover. You don't need to figure it all out right now, and you don't need to plan to live together or expect to move apart at some pre-determined time. It does help to pay close attention, and to make sure your expectations are clear. You said your ex is dating now, for instance. My ex and I also dated other people after we broke up, but one of the things that led to us living separately for awhile was me beginning a relationship with our mutual best friend, who lived with us (and is the partner of 23 years). It seemed obvious to me that this was well within the expectations of our relationship; my ex thought it was clearly a violation. We eventually resolved this problem by agreeing to never talk about it again, since neither of us could see the other person's POV. We've all been very happy together and apart (but not ever really all the way apart) since then.
For what it's worth, me, my partner, and our mutual friend/ex-lover are all queer, too. It seems to me that lover relationships that turn into good friendships are much more common among gay, lesbian, and queer people than among straight people. Sometimes when questions like this come up, people I know or believe are straight come into the conversation and are very categorically negative. But, from the day I came out in 1985, I have observed that queer relationships are often more fluid than straight relationships, moving from lover to friend (and sometimes back again), or incorporating a sexual element without being lovers, and so on. One of my friends got married, and, IIRC, two of her ex-lovers helped hold the chuppah (wedding canopy), and two of her ex-lovers (including me) did readings. This kind of thing doesn't happen very often among straight people, but is pretty common among queers, in my experience. So if there are comments that suggest that you are definitely making a mistake still living together, or that this is necessarily unhealthy, take them with a grain of salt. Ask yourself the questions, sure. But don't assume they are right about the answers.
I'm very happy for your improved and improving mental health. If you'd ever like to talk privately about relationship stuff, feel free to memail me. I'm not exactly an expert, but I've been around the block a few (dozen) times and had a lot of unconventional relationships, and I've also experienced the pleasures of better mental health after a long hard time. Many blessings.
posted by not that girl at 11:07 AM on May 3, 2016 [11 favorites]
Sometimes, in my experience, falling in love or having a sexual relationship is what starts a relationship going, but the "right" relationship between the people is not to be lovers forever, but something else.
I was in your situation once, or something like it. My lover and I broke up; we'd been together a couple of years. We had a two-bedroom apartment we liked and lived together well. We knew that one of us should probably move out, but somehow neither of us ever did, and at some point we realized we'd moved on to be something else and were happy staying together as best friends and each other's family. We lived together for another couple of years, and have lived together off and on since then along with my long-term partner (23 years now), who is also my ex's closest friend. During the time we lived together, both of us dated other people.
You may also be feeling good despite the pain of the lover relationship ending because when an old thing ends, new things become possible. The pain of ending and the excitement of beginning can be happening at the same time. Your breakup may symbolize or be part of breaking a pattern in which your lover cared for you, and you needed to be cared for. But here you are, moving into a time in your life where you will be increasingly able to care for yourself.
My friend and I managed our ongoing post-breakup relationship by accepting that, although we didn't quite understand it, it was working for us. We moved apart when it stopped working, and at that point, living apart improved our relationship. We moved back in together when it made sense to do that, and lived together for years, until one of us moved to be with a new lover. You don't need to figure it all out right now, and you don't need to plan to live together or expect to move apart at some pre-determined time. It does help to pay close attention, and to make sure your expectations are clear. You said your ex is dating now, for instance. My ex and I also dated other people after we broke up, but one of the things that led to us living separately for awhile was me beginning a relationship with our mutual best friend, who lived with us (and is the partner of 23 years). It seemed obvious to me that this was well within the expectations of our relationship; my ex thought it was clearly a violation. We eventually resolved this problem by agreeing to never talk about it again, since neither of us could see the other person's POV. We've all been very happy together and apart (but not ever really all the way apart) since then.
For what it's worth, me, my partner, and our mutual friend/ex-lover are all queer, too. It seems to me that lover relationships that turn into good friendships are much more common among gay, lesbian, and queer people than among straight people. Sometimes when questions like this come up, people I know or believe are straight come into the conversation and are very categorically negative. But, from the day I came out in 1985, I have observed that queer relationships are often more fluid than straight relationships, moving from lover to friend (and sometimes back again), or incorporating a sexual element without being lovers, and so on. One of my friends got married, and, IIRC, two of her ex-lovers helped hold the chuppah (wedding canopy), and two of her ex-lovers (including me) did readings. This kind of thing doesn't happen very often among straight people, but is pretty common among queers, in my experience. So if there are comments that suggest that you are definitely making a mistake still living together, or that this is necessarily unhealthy, take them with a grain of salt. Ask yourself the questions, sure. But don't assume they are right about the answers.
I'm very happy for your improved and improving mental health. If you'd ever like to talk privately about relationship stuff, feel free to memail me. I'm not exactly an expert, but I've been around the block a few (dozen) times and had a lot of unconventional relationships, and I've also experienced the pleasures of better mental health after a long hard time. Many blessings.
posted by not that girl at 11:07 AM on May 3, 2016 [11 favorites]
Why should ending what was a very tender, if deeply troubled, relationship make things better? I'm baffled.
It sounds to me like you didn't end the relationship, even though you changed some important things about it. But you're still living together, you're still emotionally engaged with each other, you're still partners in an economic endeavor. All these things have value and can be hard to find, so if you get to keep these things and eliminate some things in the relationship that were troublesome, it could make things better.
One factor in keeping it going might be to highlight your awareness that you haven't lost your relationship; you've changed it.
posted by layceepee at 11:38 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like you didn't end the relationship, even though you changed some important things about it. But you're still living together, you're still emotionally engaged with each other, you're still partners in an economic endeavor. All these things have value and can be hard to find, so if you get to keep these things and eliminate some things in the relationship that were troublesome, it could make things better.
One factor in keeping it going might be to highlight your awareness that you haven't lost your relationship; you've changed it.
posted by layceepee at 11:38 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
it's imago in action. you have subconscious expectations of a romantic partner that you don't have of a close friend.
posted by j_curiouser at 12:37 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by j_curiouser at 12:37 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
You did not end the relationship. You altered the social contract. It is no longer a sexual or romantic relationship, but it is still a big part of your life.
People sometimes seek sex when they really need love. I do not mean romantic love. I mean actual love: someone who genuinely cares about their welfare, will do right by them and will help support their efforts to become their best self.
You are no longer getting sex, but you are getting love in that you are being nurtured in a healthy way. If you are confused, it is probably because no one ever really gave you love and you had some weird idea that you "bought" love by putting out sexually. So, this just doesn't compute for you.
You keep the good thing going by respecting and appreciating them and continuing to work out your issues. But, also, be okay with it eventually changing and one of you moving out or whatever. That might sound scary right now, but it sounds like he will likely move on in a manner that doesn't leave you screwed over. A positive ending sounds like it would be a good thing for you to experience.
posted by Michele in California at 1:24 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
People sometimes seek sex when they really need love. I do not mean romantic love. I mean actual love: someone who genuinely cares about their welfare, will do right by them and will help support their efforts to become their best self.
You are no longer getting sex, but you are getting love in that you are being nurtured in a healthy way. If you are confused, it is probably because no one ever really gave you love and you had some weird idea that you "bought" love by putting out sexually. So, this just doesn't compute for you.
You keep the good thing going by respecting and appreciating them and continuing to work out your issues. But, also, be okay with it eventually changing and one of you moving out or whatever. That might sound scary right now, but it sounds like he will likely move on in a manner that doesn't leave you screwed over. A positive ending sounds like it would be a good thing for you to experience.
posted by Michele in California at 1:24 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: The responses here have been awesome, honest, creative, demanding. You guys are amazing!
posted by caveatz at 2:42 PM on May 3, 2016
posted by caveatz at 2:42 PM on May 3, 2016
I had an ex as a housemate for years, and it was fine - we didn't go straight from being a couple to being roommates, though - he had his own place for a while. What made it work for us; we were really good friends, and got along that way really well, so we were very respectful of each other's boundaries and really avoided doing things that we knew would irk each other. We lived in different parts of the house - I was on the top floor, he was in the basement, which helped give up a lot of privacy. Also, we didn't talk about our previous relationship - like, it just wasn't a topic that we bothered with. We were friends, and we treated each other as friends, and that was it. He got along great with my boyfriend, and I've ended up being pretty much best friends with his next girlfriend.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:20 PM on May 3, 2016
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:20 PM on May 3, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by zutalors! at 10:31 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]