Am I right to ignore him due to no second date/how do I date?!
April 11, 2016 2:10 AM   Subscribe

I am rejoining the dating world after 2 years & need help with navigation and a specific date!

Okay, so I met this guy online & within 2 days, when he asked me what sorts of things I like to do, I told him and then said it would be great if he could join me on *insert activity* sometime.

The next day he asked me out for a couple of drinks. We had a great first date & had lots in common. The chemistry was there, like 'zing' as soon as we met. Except...it was a little too good. After the date we went for a walk and when I mentioned how nervous I felt he stopped and kissed me. Then we didn't stop kissing and we slept together. First time I have done this and just got carried away.

Afterwards, he said he would like to see me again & would I let him know when I was home safely. I did and he again sent me a message to say what a great time he had and that he hoped I did too. The next morning, before work, he said he hoped my day goes okay (I had a stressful thing on at work that day!)

Anyway, for 3 days post-date he has messaged me and always asked questions about how I am and what I am doing (rather than called, groan). To be honest, I think it's partially just my generation :P But we've chatted about our respective weekend plans without any plans for a second date. My feeling is: this guy is very busy (phd and working) and therefore lukewarm about me.

This banal chitchat is annoying to me (& he is way more interesting in person!) now and I feel it isn't very classy of him to keep it up without solidifying the next date.

But now I feel I am "ghosting" him by not replying to any more to his messages. It isn't sitting right with me. What are your thoughts? Would it be right to send a sort of 'parting' message or is that ott? Thanks.
posted by Ariel432 to Human Relations (57 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Why is it 100% his responsibility to organise the second date? You could ask him. If he faffs around or says no, you can delete his number and move on. Your planned course of action seems very passive aggressive to me.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:16 AM on April 11, 2016 [92 favorites]


I don't see anything here to suggest that he's lukewarm about you - it sounds like he likes you a lot. If you prefer to talk on the phone, call him. If you want to go on another date, initiate plans. He doesn't know what you're expecting of him, or why you've suddenly gone cold.
posted by Fig at 2:23 AM on April 11, 2016 [70 favorites]


This might be all in your head! Relax! Sometimes guys need a bit of time to heat up again after first time sex, but if you play it cool then you might get a suggestion for a date in the next week- you definitely won't if you dump him. If you really like him then relax!
posted by catspajammies at 2:24 AM on April 11, 2016


Sometimes, if you are an anxious person, slightly neurotic (like myself) you have to pretend you are a well adjusted and secure person- obsess all you want but keep it to yourself... Wait until you get to know each other better and feel more relaxed.... Then you will probably feel more confident and less apt to feel rejected or read things into normal silences.
posted by catspajammies at 2:28 AM on April 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


It actually sounds like you're lukewarm on him rather than the other way around. If you don't want to see him again, it would be nice to send a parting message instead of just ghosting on him. If you do want to see him again, why not, as Fig said, call him or ask him on a date if that's what you want? There's certainly no way for him to know you want a phone call (I loathe them myself--I don't even talk to my boyfriend of 2+ years on the phone unless it's an emergency).
posted by tiger tiger at 2:30 AM on April 11, 2016 [26 favorites]


I think you feel off balance because first the guy was moving way faster than you are used to and now he's moving way more slowly. So it feels like a hot and cold treatment to you. Like he's keeping you on the back burner now he's certain of your attention. Like he's not committing to making time for you and you are far down in his list of priorities.
But you don't know anything about why he did this. Maybe taking it extra slow and deliberately because things progressed faster than he was used to and he doesn't want to spoil a good thing. Maybe he's swamped with work. Maybe he got anxious.

The one thing we do know is that he's interested in you and not just as a one night stand.

If I were you, I'd ask him out to a specific, not overtly romantic thing. If he doesn't either conmit or offer an alternative date, drop him. Then he's not interested enough, or doesn't show the initiative you need.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:38 AM on April 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


This sounds to me like he's into you -- lots of communication, interest in your day and your plans. If you want to see him again, just ask him! If you prefer phone calls to texts, yes you are going to have to let him know, as most people prefer the opposite.

He didn't ghost on you after you slept with him, I think this a good sign that he wants to see more of you. If you don't want to see him again, that's fine. But he is sending you all positive signals and may not want to push, since he might sense that things have been moving a bit fast for you.
posted by ananci at 2:55 AM on April 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


From his perspective, the texting is probably his way of showing that he's interested in you but doesn't want to pressure you - maybe he sense that you don't normally move that quickly.

If you like him (and it sounds like you do), why don't you just text him back and say "hey, not huge fan of long texting conversations - never got the hang of it. fancy meeting me for XYZ saturday afternoon?"

I think you're making this way more complicated than it needs to be and expecting him to intuitively get what it is you want without you explicitly saying what that is.
posted by modernnomad at 3:11 AM on April 11, 2016 [51 favorites]


If you're not interested in him and don't want to see him again, let him know. Ghosting is just cowardly.
From what you've written, this guy has done nothing wrong. He's followed up the next day to make it clear you weren't just a one night stand to him, he's shown interest in your plans and remembered that you had a stressful day coming up. He's given you plenty of openings to suggest a second date but you haven't. He's doing exactly what he should be doing - showing you he's interested but keeping it low pressure in case you aren't.

From what you've written, you're the one coming off as luke warm, not him. And that's ok, if you're not compatible or you're just not that into him that's fine. Let him know and move on but don't blame the problem on him when he's reaching out and you're not giving him anything back
posted by missmagenta at 3:37 AM on April 11, 2016 [22 favorites]


How about asking him if he's free for coffee or dinner this weekend instead of ghosting on him? If he says yes, then you've got another date and you can tell him that you're not a big texter but you're really looking forward to seeing him on Saturday.
posted by colfax at 3:51 AM on April 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Anyway, for 3 days post-date he has messaged me and always asked questions about how I am and what I am doing (rather than called, groan). To be honest, I think it's partially just my generation :P

Unless you have told him this directly, there is no way for him to magically know what communication method you prefer. Some people prefer phone, some text, some email, and some like instant messaging. There's no way to know unless someone says something, and in my experience people these days use texting as a way to communicate that lets the other person choose when to get back to you (unlike a phone call where you are both setting the time aside simultaneously, if that makes sense), and as you note texting can be done in the little gaps in a busy day.

Anyway, if you liked him enough to want a second date, I think it is worth being a bit upfront and saying in so many words that a) you want to schedule a date with him and b) that you prefer calls as well as or instead of texts. If you don't actually want the second date, then sure, go ahead and ghost or whatever, but it sounds like there was a connection and there is a way to build on it if you both can get in better synch with each other. Good luck!
posted by Dip Flash at 4:01 AM on April 11, 2016 [10 favorites]


If you're not feeling it then send a parting message. But to me it sounds like he IS into you. People aren't perfect and I don't know why he hasn't asked for a second date unless it's just that he doesn't want to come off as too eager given how quickly you guys moved on your first date or is trying to see if he's just a one night stand to you. I wouldn't ignore a great first date where the guy is still messaging you a lot, though. He did say he'd like to see you again so just ask him when he'd like to do that. And if the second date goes well, ask him to call you.
posted by Polychrome at 4:05 AM on April 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm not understanding, this guy is in constant contact, but you think he's not interested? If you want to go out again, ask him out.

Don't worry so much about rules, interact with him as a person. If you want to go out on another date, invite him on one.

You're inventing drama and anxiety when you should be enjoying the limerace of a new relationship.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:21 AM on April 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


This guy is clearly into you and you are being a huge dummy if you refuse to take some initiative on your end. You're an adult woman in your 20s and it's 2016. You have agency here!

Do you want to see him again?

Text him with concrete plans (day/time/activity) and ask him to join you. Example: "There's a new Thai place I'd like to check out this weekend. Would you like to go with me Friday at 7?"

Do you not want to see him again?

Tell him! Think how shitty you would feel if you had just had sex with someone and were really excited about them and you kept reaching out and they didn't even bother to answer. That would suck, right? Don't be shitty. If you don't want to see him again, tell him so. Example: "Hi, [guy], I had a lot of fun on our date and I think you're awesome, but this isn't what I'm looking for right now. I'll see you around."

Do you yes want to see him again but you don't like all the contact and have some idea in your head that it's his job to do the asking?

Ugh, fine. This isn't generally a demand that's going to make you happier in your dating life, but fine. If this is the case, you need to be clear and direct with your needs. (You should be clear and direct all the time, but you might as well do the asking in that case.) Example: "Hey, [guy], I like you but I'm really not much of a texter. If you want to see me again you should ask me out. I'm free Friday night."

Don't be a jerk and don't talk yourself out of something that could be good by creating a narrative of Reasons He Doesn't Like You when there's no evidence for one.
posted by phunniemee at 4:28 AM on April 11, 2016 [37 favorites]


Maybe he is waiting for you to ask him. He asked you first, after all. One could easily imagine a situation where he feels that the ball is in your court.
posted by Frowner at 5:12 AM on April 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Eh, I don't know. I think if he were really into you, he'd make concrete plans to see you. This sort of low-level flirting has always been the precursor to FWB/casual sex situation for me. It's low effort fun.

If you like him, ask him out. But my instinct is that he's not looking for a serious relationship.
posted by snickerdoodle at 5:19 AM on April 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


This banal chitchat is annoying to me (& he is way more interesting in person!) now and I feel it isn't very classy of him to keep it up without solidifying the next date.

I think you're being way too hard on him. Maybe he isn't good at small talk. Maybe he thinks (in 2016) that it isn't very classy of you not to suggest a second date.
posted by Dolley at 5:48 AM on April 11, 2016 [23 favorites]


I'm a guy who digs guys. If I went out on a date with a guy, slept with him, and he then spent three days texting me and asking me how I am and such the very last thing I would think is "wow, this dude is lukewarm."

If I went out on a date with a guy, slept with him, and spent the next three days asking him how he was and such and got no response, then I would think he is lukewarm.

It's 2016. Men are no longer expected to do everything when it comes to arranging dates. If you want to see him again then say so.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:49 AM on April 11, 2016 [18 favorites]


I never got to the point in your story where he disappeared or did anything dismissive or rude.

Agreed he's waiting for you to ask him out! Just text the guy and invite him somewhere!!
posted by jbenben at 6:52 AM on April 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Wow. I thought I would be the first person to respond who didn't think he was totally innocent and misunderstood, but I guess I'll be the second, after snickerdoodle.

I don't know, maybe I'm really cynical. I certainly see the possibility that he really likes you and really wants a serious relationship and is just too busy or awkward to plan dates. Sure, that's totally possible. Is it ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN AND OBVIOUS? A lot of people seem to think so, but I don't.

I also think it is totally possible that he enjoyed sleeping with you and now would like to text you and sort of keep you on the hook for when he's available, as a sort of "Netflix and chill" relationship in which he doesn't really have to plan many dates, make much effort, or try to impress you much.

Yeah, yeah, a lot of people will say there's absolutely no correlation between a serious LTR and actual date-planning, and basically all relationships these days are guy/girl both plan dates, "dates" are all "Netflix and chill" anyway, hell "relationships" these days are kind of just sleeping together anyway, so what's the big deal? Who cares? Let's all just be casual! Etc. Like, I get that instinct, but it's not for everyone.

Some people (OP probably included) really want to feel wooed and have impressive dates planned and get flowers and feel like a priority in someone's life. So 1950s? So sexist? Sure, whatever. But some people prefer that, and that's okay.

I can see feeling like his actions have been a "bait and switch." It's not like he's incapable of planning dates. He wasn't too busy a week ago. But now that he's "got you", maybe it's not a priority. I'd be disappointed if that was the case, too.

I think it can't hurt to respond to him and sort of keep him on the line in case he shapes up, but go ahead and start dating other people. Best case scenario is, you keep chatting, he finally invites you over (maybe not even OUT but OVER, and maybe he'll wait until like 11 AM Saturday to ask you over that night or whatever) and then you say, "Oh gosh, I have another date lined up! Can't make it!" IME, that will definitely either get him to step up his game, or get him to bow out and give up relatively gracefully with no hurt feelings.
posted by quincunx at 6:58 AM on April 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


I think that in a relationship, even a budding one, both parties have some responsibility for expressing their feelings, their needs, their desires. There may be some of the famous Ask/tell vs the Guess culture going on here.

You can say "I would like a second date"
posted by Jacen at 7:02 AM on April 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


I prefer phone calls over text too. Unfortunately, in our awful world, texting is the new phone call and phone calls are the new handwritten note. Lack of phone call doesn't mean he's not interested, he's just being polite. Nthing if you like him suggest a second date and tell him you prefer phone calls, and if you don't like him, text him back that you're not interested in going forward.
posted by permiechickie at 7:06 AM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Also, do NOT keep your weekend plans free for him for too long. If I'm reading this right, you went out last Friday? And he hasn't made plans for this weekend yet? Give him until Wednesday. If by Wednesday he hasn't come up with something, then fill up your weekend. IME (at least true for me and most people in my life) Wednesday is sort of the "final weekend planning day" for the upcoming weekend and if you're not in by Wednesday, expect to get squeezed off the schedule.
posted by quincunx at 7:30 AM on April 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


If you like him, ask him on a second date. If you don't, do a slow fade, or do a polite "it's been great talking to you but I don't think it'll work out" parting.

You have some expectations for his behavior (asking you out on a second date within three days, calling instead of messaging, not texting just to chat) that you haven't actually communicated to him, and they're not universal rules. Do you like him, and are just peeved that he's not following these unspoken guidelines? Then let that go, keep seeing him, and remember that you have just as much power in setting the terms of your relationship. Are you just no longer into him? That's okay too.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:44 AM on April 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


So it's only been three days? And he's actually in contact with you? This sounds more like anxiety on your side. Grown ups do have lives that occupy most of their time, and three days is just a blink of an eye.

The thing that concerns me is that you want him to read your mind, which will make for a terrible relationship. You don't even know this person, and he doesn't know you. I'd expect some reading of your mind once you are in a 10+ year relationship, but expecting it from a stranger is not ever going to benefit you. I would work on overcoming that before you really start dating more seriously with anyone.
posted by Vaike at 8:31 AM on April 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


What are your thoughts?

I think you're so concerned with dating etiquette that you're missing all the signs that this guy you've known for a week is interested in you.
posted by 23skidoo at 8:40 AM on April 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


Some people (OP probably included) really want to feel wooed and have impressive dates planned and get flowers and feel like a priority in someone's life. So 1950s? So sexist? Sure, whatever. But some people prefer that, and that's okay.

But this guy has no way of knowing that she expects a 1950s, sexist form of dating. If that's what she wants, then she needs to let him know that. He might not be interested in that. Maybe he wants to be wooed. Maybe he doesn't be the one who's always putting himself out there to be rejected.
posted by Mavri at 8:41 AM on April 11, 2016 [15 favorites]


Some people (OP probably included) really want to feel wooed and have impressive dates planned and get flowers and feel like a priority in someone's life. So 1950s? So sexist? Sure, whatever. But some people prefer that, and that's okay.

This works if it's been communicated and if he's down with it. If she's expecting him to read her mind, the poor thing may get discouraged and move on.

I say, if you don't like texts, tell him.
If you want another date, ask him for one.
If you want to talk on the phone, call him.

It's not hard, no mind reading required.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:51 AM on April 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


But this guy has no way of knowing that she expects a 1950s, sexist form of dating. If that's what she wants, then she needs to let him know that. He might not be interested in that. Maybe he wants to be wooed. Maybe he doesn't be the one who's always putting himself out there to be rejected.

Yeah, except he asked her out and has been doing the planning and pursuing so far. So I don't think she necessarily needs to suddenly spell that out. It's very probably implied by the way they've been interacting already. If anything, he would need to spell that out. Why put that burden on her? I mean, if he really does want the relationship, he just doesn't want to have to do the planning...he would be the one to communicate that, no?

If he doesn't want that type of relationship now, then okay. Fine. They're not a good match.
posted by quincunx at 8:54 AM on April 11, 2016


Yeah, except he asked her out and has been doing the planning and pursuing so far. So I don't think she necessarily needs to suddenly spell that out.

Er... yeah she does? The thing is, nobody is a mind reader. If I asked someone out, and we had a nice date and sexytimes and whatnot, I wouldn't necessarily think it was up to me to therefore do all of the pursuing and planning from then on.

Like it or not, the world has changed. People need to communicate their needs to each other, there's really no way around that.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:05 AM on April 11, 2016 [20 favorites]


Yeah, except he asked her out and has been doing the planning and pursuing so far. So I don't think she necessarily needs to suddenly spell that out. It's very probably implied by the way they've been interacting already.

Actually, she asked him out first (albeit not very specifically) by suggesting an activity they should do some time. Then he asked her out, and she said yes, and they went out. Now it seems like it's her turn to set something up.
posted by decathecting at 9:06 AM on April 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


now and I feel it isn't very classy of him to keep it up without solidifying the next date.

This is definitely a cultural thing. To me he's into you and maybe giving you space to decide if you want to see him again. I would LOVE it if a guy texted rather than called so I think this is a thing reasonable people disagree on. If you're not that into him, that's also fine but I think this is well within the range of normal post-dating behavior and if you'd like to see him again you should say so.
posted by jessamyn at 9:09 AM on April 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


DgIf it is important to you that he ask *you* out, then text him and say: "So are you going to ask me out again or what? My weekend is filling up..." ...softened by whatever emoji, winky face, or intro sentence makes this text feel right to you.

If he hems and haws, THEN you ditch him with a gentle "this isn't going to work for me" message.

If he digs you, he will immediately propose something.

Data source: early days of my relationship with my now-husband, who had a very similar texting style to this guy and genuinely did not understand that if he wanted to see me Friday, 48-72 hours' advance notice was required. Said text worked like a charm for me, though.
posted by mylittlepoppet at 9:16 AM on April 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Also, OP, I just read your prior questions. It seems like you've been stuck in this pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men, being lonely, and wanting a real relationship but not getting one. I don't blame you at all for being gun-shy and wanting the guy to do most of the initiating after those experiences. I know tons of people are telling you it's on you to ask him out, and that's great- IF that's what you really want to do. If you don't want to have to ask this guy out, I give you permission not to. It's totally up to you. If you don't want to have to do most or even half of the pursuing, especially at the beginning of a relationship, that's totally your prerogative. I don't blame you.
posted by quincunx at 9:18 AM on April 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


I think you feel uncomfortable because you asked him out the first time, then you moved more quickly than you usually do, and you sort of want him to take the initiative. I think it's totally normal for you to want reciprocation and evidence of strong interest - you asked him out and now you want him to ask you out.

The tricky thing is, you now need to take the risk of being vulnerable and honest. You're worried that he's not that into you because you asked him out the first time and he hasn't followed up to ask you out. You need to tell him this. I speak from experience. I (queer woman) initiated contact with the lady who is now my girlfriend on a dating website.. after a pretty balanced back and forth (she showed strong and consistent interest), I asked her out for our first date. We had a great time, really good chemistry -- but she didn't end the date by asking me out for a second date. My feelings were hurt and I was worried that she wasn't that into me.. so I considered ghosting her. I asked my friends what to do, and they told me to do the hard thing: Reach out to her and tell her exactly what I was feeling and thinking. So I did.. and it turns out that my lady had ASSUMED we'd go on a second date.. She understood my concern -- then she asked me out and made her amorous intentions clear.

If I'd taken the easy way out, I would have just written her off and "moved on to the next one". But the harder, adult thing to do was to be honest and vulnerable. And I'm so glad I took that risk, because here we are 3 years later, happy and in love.

So: Text him or (since you don't like texting) PICK UP THE PHONE and tell him, without being accusatory or defensive, that you really like him, had a great time, but was hoping he would ask you out for a second date.. because you asked him out the first time and you want to make sure that he's as into you as you're into him. If he responds oddly to this or doesn't get it, then he's probably not the man for you.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:30 AM on April 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Taking advice to wait around for someone to pursue you is only taking advice to wait around.

In this day and age, when men are (rightly) told not to be overbearing with women, to give space, to be respectful and 50/50 on all things, this guy is doing the right stuff. Not to beat a dead horse but people, no matter what the specific relationship, cannot know what you expect of them if you do not tell them.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:41 AM on April 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


Oh and I don't think you should text him "Are you going to ask me out or what?" That seems kind of passive aggressive. You have to make your romantic expectations, wishes, hopes and dreams clear.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:43 AM on April 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


To me, quickly paced and frequent texting for days after a date is a sign of interest.

But we've chatted about our respective weekend plans without any plans for a second date.

What do you mean, what's been said? Is he saying he's booked up (because of previous plans? Maybe he's got commitments), isn't sure what he's doing but has some ideas (maybe feeling things out and waiting for you to suggest something concrete, doesn't want to say he's not busy, i.e. playing dating chicken), what?

(Wednesday as a soft deadline for w/e plans is what most people do? I figure it's Thursday. And/or (more likely) I keep my options open. And/or (often) decide to stay in, or just wind up staying in. IOW, I guess, some people are snowflakey/flakey for reasons that have nothing to do with you. But, in a dating situation, yeah, maybe confirming plans sooner than Thursday would be more ideal.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:59 AM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


It seems like you're looking for an excuse to bin him.
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:02 AM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ask him on a date. If he pauses, move on.
posted by My Dad at 10:28 AM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I know tons of people are telling you it's on you to ask him out, and that's great- IF that's what you really want to do. If you don't want to have to ask this guy out, I give you permission not to.

I give you permission too. (Often I think AskMe goes so far in the direction of "women can ask too!" that it ends up turning into "women MUST ask, men MUST NOT" which imho is just as bad and as dismissive of individual preferences and personalities as the old 1950s advice.)

What I do think you really should do, for your own benefit as well as his, is to let him know you hate texting and like phone calls. This varies widely between people, so he really has no way of knowing where you fall if you haven't told him. Assuming you want to keep seeing him, just text him one more time and say "Hey it's nothing personal, I like you, I just really don't like texting. But if you'd like to call/email/get together in person, I'd love that." After that, if he doesn't contact you, you pretty much know what's up.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:46 AM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Update from OP:

So, I asked him out again. Within the hour he replied asking when I am free, so that we can find a good time that suits us both/also because he is really busy at work. On that note, he is an engineer and doing another Masters! He said he would like to meet in the evening (at first I'm thinking, booty call?! ) but also mentioned 'morning' wasn't possible this time because of work. I asked him to let me know asap as a friend has asked me to meet him the same night and I would like to give him an answer. :)

He said he would try & see if his colleague could cover some of his work and then asked how my day had been in the meantime. So far, so good! But...the possibility of being a booty call does still concern me. Especially as I loved sleeping with him and don't know if I could resist when I see him!

I am aware that perhaps I expect too much from the guy. Even as a feminist I can get sucked into supposed "gender norms" and expecting him to chase me. It doesn't help when the females around you reinforce this. Also, sometimes it's to tell: how much does the guy I'm seeing feed into this gender norm himself - or even prefer it? Do you think most guys actually prefer 50/50 in terms of the so-called chase?
posted by Ariel432 at 12:54 PM on April 11, 2016


How do you jump to 'booty call' from all that?

'Evening' is the time in which most adult humans do the majority of their socializing. It is when bars and restaurants are more likely to be open, concerts are scheduled, etc.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:05 PM on April 11, 2016 [24 favorites]


I'll tell you why. Because although we both decided to sleep together, as things got hot and heavy he initiated the suggestion. I asked him if he was a bit of a player & did this often, he said no, but I wasn't sure whether to believe him.

Secondly: you will see from previous questions that I suffered a rejection in the past year & think maybe I almost expect to be rejected? It affected me a lot. But I like this guy and want to see where it goes. Because we slept together the first time round, I am now just wondering if it is expected every time on his end? As in, I am afraid to think he likes me, then suggest not sleeping together next time & having the reaction be less than positive. It will be disappointing.
posted by Ariel432 at 1:10 PM on April 11, 2016


TBH it's sounding to me like you need to get your head together a bit more before dating. If you're starting at shadows--seriously, "let's meet in the evening" is code for 'booty call' literally nowhere; "I'm not free until like after midnight" might be--this much after one date and one roll in the hay, you may not be ready yet.

If you like this guy and want to see where it goes, the only way to do that is to be open and honest about where you are and what you want. If you don't want to sleep with him the next time you see each other, don't. If he gets all whiny about it, then you have dodged a bullet!
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:15 PM on April 11, 2016 [20 favorites]


If you tell him you don't want to sleep together on your second date and he makes it a big deal, he is a creep and you should move on. Also, there is no indication he is treating you like a booty call and I have a hard time understanding why you see it that way. Just keep treating him like a human being, be clear and direct about what you want, and stop acting as if his texts are a puzzle to be solved.
posted by Falconetti at 1:15 PM on April 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


I've never found a correlation between how quickly I slept with someone vs the relationship being a booty call or if it turned serious. NONE.

You are sleeping with this guy, if you want to. It may or may not get beyond that. You may reject him. He may reject you. Meh. It's going to be whatever it is, no amount of overthinking or careful planning will change that - just the opposite in fact!

It's OK. Relax. Date him. Sleep with him if you can't resist. See where it goes. Enjoy the moment.
posted by jbenben at 1:19 PM on April 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


You can have a normal date, and enjoy yourself by setting appropriate boundaries. If you want, you can say, "Hey, I'm so happy to see you again! I got carried away on our first date because I like you so much, but I need to slow it down and really get to know you before we have sex again." That only works if you have enough self-control to not jump him, however. And you can build in self-control by only seeing him in public places for a bit if it's important to you to slow down. Up to you and have fun!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:21 PM on April 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


> Do you think most guys actually prefer 50/50 in terms of the so-called chase?

What matters is what this guy prefers, and the only way to suss that out is to talk to him, listen to what he says, and pay attention to how he behaves.

It's not that you're necessarily expecting "too much," but that you have expectations that you are not communicating to him. It seems like you may also have expectations that you yourself are not entirely aware of until they are not met.
posted by rtha at 1:22 PM on April 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


Well even if he perceives it to be a booty call, you don't have to sleep with him. If you don't sleep with him on this date and he's still interested it means there's something, I would say.

Sex on the first date seems to have complicated things. Just remember he's doing a Masters and his time may not be his own. Check him out on this second date and cut him some slack.

Dating (and eventually marriage) is supposed to be fun, right? If it's not maybe the two of you were not meant to be.
posted by My Dad at 1:54 PM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Don't have sex, that time. Yes, he's hot. And you crave the intimacy. But if it's important for you to know whether he's serious about you, have a sex free second date.
It seems to me you're worried about sabotaging yourself. Maybe you want to be swept off the feet but are predisposed to suspicion when he does. You don't trust him, you don't trust your own feelings.And you see yourself as passive, as if he gets all the say in how this relationship progresses. But you get to decide how this goes on. But for that you need to know what you want. Don't dither. You want this guy? Make the active decision to trust him and tell him what you want.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:41 PM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


He sounds sweet, by the way! Let him know that next time it's up to him to ask you for a date.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:44 PM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I mean, it sounds to me like this dude is into you (or at least as into you as a guy can be in the very early days of a budding relationship).

The best advice I can give you is to listen to your own feelings, instead of worrying so much about his. Whether this guy (or any guy) likes you or not really has no bearing on your self worth.

It's tough, but try to focus instead on how you feel about him. If you like him, try to keep things moving and gauge his response. If you don't, walk away and don't look back. Don't want to sleep with him on the next date? Don't. Do? Then go for it! Trust yourself and your instincts. If you f*** up, that's cool too - mistakes are good. Besides, the right guy won't need games to get him to stay.

Good luck, girl. And have fun!
posted by chestnut-haired-sunfish at 4:40 PM on April 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


It seems like you have a really bright line between "guys who want to have sex" and "guys who want to have a relationship". I know that this is an era when player-type guys have a lot more traction and face a lot less criticism than when I was growing up (there were drawbacks, certainly, but this whole 'it's normal to have sex right away and expecting more than casually hooking up only when he feels like it is clingy and neurotic' thing just wasn't, well, a thing)....but it is very possible for a guy to be really into you and want to have sex right away because he's into you. Back when I used to date guys, I had a couple of perfectly good relationships start that way, with guys who were nice, treated me well and stuck around.
posted by Frowner at 4:41 PM on April 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I feel like you're reading a lot of malicious intent into this guy's actions. If this is how you approach dating, frankly, I have doubts about whether this could possibly ever be successful for you.

It's really simple. Fuck societal norms. If you don't want to sleep with him, don't. Use your words and tell him that, as much as you enjoyed yourself, you would prefer to take more time now to get to know one another. You are in the casual, getting-to-know-each-other phase. If he's an asshole, so what? This phase is where you weed them out.

Is this guy giving you bad vibes? If he's giving you bad vibes, of course, proceed with caution. Talk to him and use his reaction to gauge whether or not to proceed.

But if you have this unfounded paranoia with everyone, I think you need to really examine why before you get too serious about dating anyone. Besides the emotional strain on yourself, the strain this could put on a relationship seems almost insurmountable to me.
posted by Amy93 at 6:29 PM on April 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


It seems to me that his messaging to you could be interpreted as him actually implying to you that he doesn't want to have sex this time, in a roundabout way (i.e. "morning" isn't possible'). Don't forget that it's quite possible that he really doesn't do this often, that he thinks things progressed too quickly, that he wishes he had played it more cool because he really likes you outside the bedroom too. Even though he suggested sex at the time he may have been just caught up in the moment, as it sounds like you were as well.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:57 PM on April 11, 2016


Amy93: I do not usually act with paranoia like this, no. I think it is partially because we had sex too soon and I felt unsettled about where things are going. Secondly, I think I am almost expecting to be ditched because of a past rejection. I have been dealing with the residual feelings to that and without dating (although, not dating, doesn't seem to have helped). So I went on this dating site & after 15 mins of signing up, he contacted me and we've been talking on the phone since then. I have made no other plans to date others from the site. Having said that, I am going on another date tomorrow!

Anyway: I decided to just be honest about how I was feeling RE reluctance to plan our dates ahead/the whole thing being a bit slap dash (risky after 1 date, but never mind). I suggested perhaps we should not continue if that is the forseeable future. In response, he said he understood and explained why it has been that way (cited work/study reasons). He then said he will be able to plan to meet at better times "next week and thereafter". I guess I need to just have a bit of faith for now! Time will tell how things pan out. Thank you all.
posted by Ariel432 at 12:04 AM on April 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


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