New "relationship" moving too fast

April 9, 2016 7:34 PM

I started seeing this guy 2.5 weeks ago. He's great. We click really well, he's incredibly nice and funny and sweet and all else. But in that time we've gone from just meeting to knowing a ton of intimate details about each other's lives (mental health problems, his father's alcoholism, his sister's self-harm) and cuddling and kissing at his place for eight hours straight. It's not like it's horribly unreasonable but I'm overwhelmed and scared and need help setting limits/managing my emotions.

He's wonderful. Very kind, respectful, smart, interesting, basically everything I've ever wanted.

I also may be moving for a job in five months. I'd be moving across states. He knows this.

He told me early on that he's still getting over an ex so he wants to keep it casual. Okay. He said he didn't want to call it exclusive or give it labels. Fine.

Early on he overwhelmed me a bit because he mentioned his sister's history of self-harm and his struggles with severe depression and just other really heavy details that would typically be saved for later. Like, we're talking first and second dates here. I told him I like to take it slower and he backed off a bit. He's also mentioned an ex a few times, and not in a flattering light. He said that if they had only communicated they wouldn't have had the issues she did. He's also given some vague statements about her ("when I went up she went down") that I found confusing. But things were basically fine. He was SO sweet. I fell for him... fast. I wanted to see him frequently. Normally I'm fine with once a week dates but here I wanted more.

Then... today. I was with him from 9am to 8pm. We went to a rally early on, and then we just lied together at his place and hardcore cuddled and kissed, minus one lunch break. And he was gazing at me, basically looking like he was totally in love. It's a small sounding thing, but just lying around doing nothing together felt SO intimate. It felt like a relationship, and it was so much time spent sitting with someone that I've known for 2.5 weeks. We didn't even talk that much. We've talked a lot. We know a LOT about each other... almost like we've run out of things to say. I was feeling progressively more nervous (we also got stoned, which didn't help). It didn't feel casual and I was feeling overwhelmed.

So I brought it up. But I explained it poorly. I said I was "nervous" and that things felt fine "until today". I told him I want to take it slower and keep things casual. I said I'm scared because I'm leaving. But we never clarified what any of this meant or how we were going to proceed. When we left he said he was "more nervous" because he felt like he was pushing too hard. That's not what I wanted to do! But I'm bad at communicating. I've never been in a serious relationship (I'm 23) and have only had sex twice so I'm inexperienced, making the anxiety worse.

He also told me that because he's been depressed and very lonely before (he's living in a new city), he tends to rush things so he has companionship. He ALSO said that he's worried he's rushing into another relationship. He had a list of things he wanted to do before starting a relationship. He's only done one of them before he started seeing me. And he told me that he's not sure his feelings are "casual" anymore.

I'm introverted anyway, and I'm not touchy feely, so all that touch made me feel like I was getting smothered.

I'd like some clarity on the situation, some advice on how to set limits (I'm planning on thinking it through and telling him what I need.... is that okay?), and some help getting a handle on my feelings. I have a therapist who I plan on seeing but I don't take medication anymore.

I just really like him and want to be able to enjoy him, but I can't. And now I'm afraid I made things weird and screwed things up.

Help appreciated.

posted by Amy93 to Human Relations (20 answers total)

I'm planning on thinking it through and telling him what I need.... is that okay?

Yes. That is okay! That is more than okay -- that is exactly what you should always do. Please listen to the part of you that's saying that's what you need. Figuring out what you want and communicating it to your partner is extremely healthy behavior. He may not be able to give you what you need, and so you may have to either compromise (which can be okay, if your basic needs are still being met and you're not just "settling") or end the relationship (which can also be okay, if your needs just can't get met). Women are often told that we shouldn't have any needs, or communicate any needs, and that's a horribly destructive message. Good for you for checking in with yourself and being willing to communicate what you need. I suspect you'll be okay, however it turns out.
posted by lazuli at 7:47 PM on April 9, 2016 [6 favorites]

I'm planning on thinking it through and telling him what I need.... is that okay?

Yes, that is always ok, no matter what.


now I'm afraid I made things weird and screwed things up

This, does not equal to the roses and butterflies you're describing at length above. This sounds like your gut telling you hey, slow waaaay down. Which I agree. For the record, if you feel like you screwed things up with a guy by letting him know you have to set boundaries, that's kind of a red flag. To be honest, you've described many red flags. This guy is way into you, but are you sure it's really *you* ? And not just being a warm, cuddly person that he can project all of his wants, fears and heart's desires onto? You sound like a canvas that this guy wants to paint all over and you're getting the vibe. Hon, that vibe is letting you know that you do need space and that is totally ok.

To be brutally honest, if I had known anyone for 2.5 weeks and any of this, not even all of the above, I would tell them to cool their jets real fast and honestly, would be freaked out. This is coming from someone that is cynical, albeit a hopeless romantic. If this guy freaks out or gets angry/violent/depressed when you pull away. And let's be clear, definitely pull away, then there is your answer that you are making the right decision. Sane, healthy people that you *do* want to have relationships with, will recognize that it's ok to slow things down if hormones or chemistry get in the way. It sounds fun, but please be careful. People that burn like this can be very intense and throw you off balance, sometimes on purpose, other times because they are unaware of how intense they are.

FWIW, my only experiences were with relationships like these and reader, they did not bode well. Spare yourself the heartache and actually get to know someone first. It's ok to have this be a harmless fling if that's what you both want until you move, but please have a lifeboat ready in case you want to jump off this Titanic love affair.
posted by lunastellasol at 7:48 PM on April 9, 2016 [23 favorites]

It doesn't sound like you screwed it up. It sounds as though you are trying to be sensible. Perhaps it wasn't 100% as smooth as you would have wanted, but that should not be a deal breaker (and if it is, then there's was a different kind of problem anyhow).

Forget what he thinks for a moment. What do you want? Are you okay getting emotionally serious about someone when you know you might be moving? Either answer is okay, but you should know that answer. If the answer leaves you still wanting to hang out with him in some way, then you need to clear out with him this casual-but-emotionally-serious mess in an open way. It's not okay for him to play the "casual" card if he's going to take all your time and use you as his therapist.

For the record: perfectly okay for you to set boundaries. Perfectly okay and normal to be confused when the person you are around is confusing. Go easy on yourself.
posted by frumiousb at 7:49 PM on April 9, 2016 [5 favorites]

My impression is that you both really like each other and there's nothing wrong with that. The thing about relationships is that if things are working out then you can make it work. You don't have to make rules like "I cannot date until I have done these three things" or "I cannot be in a relationship because I might move out of state in 5 months". Because if you find someone you really click with, you can do those things you had planned while in a relationship. If you find someone you really click with, you can continue a long distance relationship, or they can move with you, or whatever - you can find a way to make it work. So there is no need to be so rules-oriented about it.

I don't think he really wants to keep it casual, but I think he's probably very worried about the fact that in such a short period of time you have told him to back off twice already. I think you're sending mixed messages by telling him you like to take it slow but then spending a day in bed with him gazing into his eyes and cuddling. He sounds like he wants to be in a relationship and isn't sure what to make of your reactions so far.

If's fine to enjoy him and tell him what you need (definitely a reminder that hearing negative talk about his ex is not cute), but really decide what you want and mean what you say. And if you don't want to spend 8 hours in bed with him cuddling because it's too freaky right now for you, then make more specific and concrete dates with him and when the date's over, reassure him that you had a fantastic time and you can't wait to see him again... and go home.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:52 PM on April 9, 2016 [7 favorites]

I should add that all my relationships have started like this and although obviously not every single one of them worked out in the end, it didn't mean the relationship was doomed. Some people are just 'relationship people' who like to get comfortable with other people fast. I'm a bit of an oversharer and I like to cuddle and keep a high level of communication, and I'm a romantic... and that's how I've always found my relationships starting off. I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se but you do need to be mindful of whether this is the right person to jump into things with or whether you're just lonely and so forth.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:55 PM on April 9, 2016 [8 favorites]

Sometimes, people who are needy in some way or have unresolved emotional/mental health issues really rush into relationships fast. That kinds of sounds like him. It's a little much to have the burden of knowing, and feeling responsible to being sensitive to, all of that about someone within weeks of first meeting them. The pace at which you reveal things to one another is a signal of that. You feel like you're both way ahead of a reasonable sharing of intimacies, and you're not really wrong there. It's something to be aware of - it can be a caution flag.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a little extra time, slowing down, and also asking for a definition and boundaries to the relationship, because already it seems like "just keeping it casual" is generating nothing but anxieties for all parties, which, IME, is typical.
posted by Miko at 8:02 PM on April 9, 2016 [8 favorites]

I had a relationship that started like this. The fellow was in love with me after a couple of days and buying fairytale books for our children at about 4 weeks. He was very engaging and funny, paid lip service to going slowly, but was relentless in pursuing emotional and physical intimacy. He turned out to know everything about everything and to be a little controlling, a liar of convenience and a complete jerk.

YMMV, but setting boundaries that you are comfortable with is highly recommended.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:30 PM on April 9, 2016 [9 favorites]

I've done this before with a guy that I didn't end up dating for very long. We met online when we were living in different towns, so our first date was a full day of walking around Chicago together with a lot of pretty intense physical contact including a couple of hours of making out in my car. Then he came to visit a couple of weeks later and stayed at my place for the weekend and by the end of that weekend things were WAY too intense and I shut everything down because I was feeling incredibly rushed and uncomfortable. It turns out that I liked him, but not really enough to be in a relationship with him, and my brain was basically jumping up and down and waving its hands trying to get me to notice that fact. And he actually was (and is) a really nice guy who I'm still in touch with as friends, so your brain doing this isn't necessarily saying that this is a sketchy dude (although he could be! At two and a half weeks you just don't know!), but it is saying that there's SOMEthing here that you're not ok with, even if it's just that maybe you're not actually all that into him. Definitely follow that instinct!
posted by MsMolly at 8:55 PM on April 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

One of the qualities of a good relationship - whether that's a friendship, family relationship, work colleagueship, business relationship, or romance - is the ability to communicate through periods of transition and the ability to reassess and redirect when things are going off the rails.

New Relationship Energy, or Limerance, is a thing. Getting caught up in it is pretty common. Being able to communicate that it's too much is critical, and if you don't feel safe doing that - or think you'll be rejected for it - you should just end the dalliance cold and walk away no-contact.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:06 PM on April 9, 2016 [4 favorites]

Yes, tell him you need space. It's totally fine to get your head out of the clouds a bit. If you feel like you can't hang out with him with a time limit, then create one for yourself. Like a hair appointment or meeting a friend that you can't miss. But I think it'd be healthy to get some space and figure out what you need and how you feel.

I'd say his sharing is orange flags. Not the oversharing part, but the history of depression and sounding co-dependant in a past relationship. Though you hardly know him and I'm an internet stranger.

Now, that said, I've had this go two ways. The first, with my ex, was super super super close, super super super fast. He told me he wanted to marry me after 2 months. I was 17. It was the worst relationship. His super quick romanting falling for eachother thing was all part of a huge manipulation toward catching me and keeping me around.

But, my husband and I said we were dating after one week and he told me he loved me after 2 months. We've been together over 6 years and married for 4. We couldn't get enough of each other.

And here's the difference, I personally didn't feel "off" or uneasy spending that much time around my now-husband at first. It felt natural. We also were cool spending time by ourselves. Looking back on those first few months with my ex, I feel this high-and-low and this rush that also felt uneasy. I also was willing to break more of my own (and my dad's) "rules" to be around him. Like I was moving too fast for myself. With my now-husband I didn't feel that way. I felt like I was in the driver's seat within myself. I wasn't being taken for a ride.

So, I can't tell you which this is - though it seems like you're feeling uneasy. Take some space. His behavior when you want to wrap your head around this relationship with some space will clue you in too.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:09 PM on April 9, 2016 [9 favorites]

My therapist warns of serotonin-induced cognitive impairment (or SICI!), which is her way of talking about all the hormone craziness inspired by spending way too much time with a new person way too soon. So you are smart to be wary and wise to ask for some space. All that wonderful isn't going to evaporate overnight if the two of you are a good match, but it could go bad in a hurry if things get rushed inappropriately. So yes, please, ask for what you need and slow things down. If he agrees but then doesn't follow through and honour your boundaries, that's good information to have. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:09 PM on April 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

Most people are 'the sweetest ever' when you first begin to date them. They put on their best faces and make quite a bit of an effort, when they want something from someone, i.e. approval or attention. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you may be playing the role of a rebound for this guy, or next in line for his serial monogamous courtship list. His clinginess, and open-book policy, paired with his bringing up his ex all the time and the problems they had, and wouldn't have had, *if only things had been different, sigh* all point to his using you for emotional comfort while he deals with the emotional withdrawals from this last relationship. A huge red flag for me when I meet a guy is if he speaks ill of his ex girlfriend(s). An even bigger warning sign to stay away is when he can't shut up about one girl in particular. If she's all he's thinking about and talking about.. then what on Earth are you doing spending time with him and listening to that? You need to rock your expectations, in my opinion. And this guy is not in a good headspace. I would walk away from it altogether if it were me. Just my two cents. I would also add that because you don't know this guy very well, and because he's already discussed people close to him who have deep emotional problems and who self-harm, I would not end things in person. With dating you can't be too careful, you never know if someone has a tendency to snap or become enraged when they don't get what they want from someone. I dated a guy for a few weeks who seemed perfectly sweet until I didn't do what he wanted, and he suddenly snapped and got violently angry. Thankfully I wasn't assaulted, but it could have gone badly. I was very surprised and felt I had read him completely wrong upon reflection. It's always important to remember when you're dating that it takes a long time to truly get to know someone.
posted by Avosunspin at 10:42 PM on April 9, 2016 [4 favorites]

I think you should listen to your instincts on this one. As a young woman, and as a late bloomer, I often thought that certain men made me uncomfortable because I was uptight or a prude or just awkward and unsophisticated, and I worried about saying anything to stop it, because I was afraid that would make me look too naive. But, in retrospect it is very clear to me that I was uncomfortable because those men were pushing too hard and not respecting my boundaries, and they were also taking advantage of the fact that I was young and naive enough to not push back or speak up. Or, in other words, my instincts were right and the only naive thing I did (contrary to what I thought at the time) was ignore my instincts rather than listen to them.Anyway, that is a long way to say: listen to your instincts. And if you talk to this guy and set some boundaries (which I totally think you should do), and he reacts badly or agrees with you that it's a good idea and then a few days later starts pushing again, then I would seriously rethink getting involved with him.

Also, something I learned from Miss Manners: if someone sort of ambushes you with a really serious subject in the middle of a conversation about something more mundane when you are either strangers or you don't know each other very well, then that's actually sort of rude. And it also doesn't mean that you have to actually discuss that super serious subject. Since they brought it up in a casual setting, then you're allowed to treat it like a casual subject and go back to discussing ice cream, etc. I mention that, because sometimes people try and unload their baggage on you in a way that is very manipulative (in my opinion) and I think it's helpful to remember that you don't have to play by their rules if you feel uncomfortable with the way they share things with you.

So, for example, you can do something like this instead:

Scene: at the ice cream parlor

Bob: "I think I'm going to get 3 scoops with sprinkles."
Ann: "I might get 2. Do you like pistachio ice cream? I can never make up my mind."
Bob: "I used to like pistachio ice cream until my sister killed herself, and now I can't stand it."
Ann: "I'm so sorry to hear that. Maybe I'll get chocolate instead."
posted by colfax at 12:32 AM on April 10, 2016 [21 favorites]

I have often experienced a hangover feeling when I got intimate with someone too fast. People talk about feeling crummy after sex, but I think the hangover feeling also pops up after verbal intimacy too fast (like telling about mental disorders very early) as well as for emotional intimacy (staring into each other's eyes).

Of course, "too fast" is subjective, but the point is you feel overwhelmed and that's how you know it has started moving too fast for you. For me it was this sort of queasy, overstuffed feeling, like something vaguely inappropriate had happened and I wanted to be alone.

Figuring out what you want and telling him is absolutely the right thing to do. You might just say "let's take it slower" or you might discover you have specific things that you're not ready for, like eye-staring, and then you can back away from that specific activity until you feel like it again (if at all).

Personally I'd say something like "hey dude, I like you a lot and I want to keep hanging out with you, but some of the stuff we've been doing has been moving too fast for me, let's keep it a little more light-hearted for a while, do you want to [go see a movie/go rock-climbing/other not super emotionally intense activity] on [some day about five-six days in the future]?"
posted by hungrytiger at 1:33 AM on April 10, 2016 [13 favorites]

But in that time we've gone from just meeting to knowing a ton of intimate details about each other's lives (mental health problems, his father's alcoholism, his sister's self-harm) [--] Early on he overwhelmed me a bit because he mentioned his sister's history of self-harm and his struggles with severe depression and just other really heavy details that would typically be saved for later. Like, we're talking first and second dates here.

What that sounds like to me is forced emotional intimacy, which is one form of boundary crossing. It's not necessarily malicious, but it's inconsiderate and shows he's not thinking about how it might make you feel. I remember this kind of entitlement very well from guys I dated or was friends with when I was your age. They were like sponges, hungry for feminine nurturing, rarely reciprocating and never stopping to consider if it was fair to expect that from women they (barely) knew.

Your guy is also establishing himself right from the start as someone with a troubled past and Issues. And most likely (unconsciously) testing if you're willing to slip into the caretaker role in the relationship, as someone to lean on, someone who takes on the emotional labour of supporting him with his problems (which implies prioritizing them over your own needs).

Also, views on this may vary but IMO the way he blabs about his sister's very personal and private problems speaks really poorly of him. I'd worry that there's an unempathetic, entitled, boundary transgressing element there, too - as if her problems are actually all about him, to talk to all and sundry about if he feels like it (or wants to score pity points, if I'm being really ungenerous). In theory, any woman he dates could be her future sister in law, and this is how he lays the foundation? It'll become awkward and will colour your relationship with her, and he seems to have little regard for that. I don't like it at all. He's probably not doing it with malicious intent, but the whole thing shows that he considers this situation only from his own perspective and regards his own needs and wants as paramount. It may translate to other situations as well, so. Just be careful.

I told him I like to take it slower and he backed off a bit.

Good for you!

He's also mentioned an ex a few times, and not in a flattering light. He said that if they had only communicated they wouldn't have had the issues she did. He's also given some vague statements about her ("when I went up she went down") that I found confusing.

So, they should have communicated but the issues were hers? What does this even mean? Whatever, this reeks of someone who's really not mature partner material yet. You probably already know that badmouthing an ex is a troubling sign in itself. Confusing, vague statements make me suspect he's someone who doesn't have a clear idea of what really happened, what was his role in it, and how you build a stable relationship.

Sounds like relationship-wise, this is a guy who's still learning the very basic ropes (just like you), which is common in your early twenties. And the way he's ready to dive into emotional intimacy with a virtual stranger sounds like he's not really considering you as an individual, rather than wish-fulfillment to meet his own glaring need. Just keep in mind that however unquestioning his own sense of entitlement may be, your needs are just as important, you have no duty to take on the project of healing his wounds or helping him grow, and you have every right in the world to stick to your own boundaries.

cuddling and kissing at his place for eight hours straight. It's not like it's horribly unreasonable but I'm overwhelmed and scared

Two things. First, listen to your own feelings. Overwhelmed and scared are not how you should be feeling 2,5 weeks in, and your gut is telling you something important. You're free to walk away from all this the moment you want.

Secondly... You do know it's OK to interrupt a cuddling session (or a date, or sex, or whatever) the moment you're not comfortable anymore, right? I want to emphasize this because I was a super accommodating young woman once and would have needed someone to really, really make sure I understood it. Really, you do not have to lie there sweetly for 8 hours just because he wants to gaze at you lovingly. Just get up and say: "Let's get some frozen yogurt and then go feed the pigeons in the park". Or even: "You know, it's been a nice afternoon but I think I'll be heading home now," if you've had enough of company. You don't necessarily have to have a conversation about feeling overwhelmed or awkward, you can just, you know, change the situation. If a guy turns that into drama, he's not good relationship material.

I'd worry that long, confessional talks about all this are just going to add to the intensity. Just be proactive about the things you would actually like to do, stay mindful of your own feelings at all times, and feel free to exit situations you don't like (or avoid them altogether). Also, don't feel bad about telling him you'd rather talk about something other than [intimate topic]. That's a reasonable boundary, and an act of self-care, and he should respect that.

I get that you would like to have a fun, drama-free, casual relationship with this guy, but that's just not possible with some people. And it may not be with him, depending on how he responds when you hit the brakes.
posted by sively at 4:19 AM on April 10, 2016 [23 favorites]

My biggest concern is that you spent all day cuddling with him even though "all that touch made you feel smothered." It's worrisome that you stuck around for so long when you didn't like it. Was it because you didn't want to hurt his feelings? Were afraid that pulling away would end yor relationship? Thought you needed to play along to seem "normal"?

If it felt good at the time and it's only afterward that you're thinking " ugh, that was too much, I need a shower and time alone now," that's cool. But if you were feeling smothered while doing it and didn't feel able to pull away, you need to figure out why, and how you can avoid that in the future.
posted by metasarah at 5:28 AM on April 10, 2016 [4 favorites]

Listen to your gut.

I read a lot of flags here:
- when he talks about his ex it's "her" problems and "her" being crazy (relationships die because there are TWO people involved. What was his involvement).
- you mentioned that his is new to your city, why is everything about him? What about you?
- his main reason for relationships are companionship (while this is a very good reason it really should t be the ONLY reason).
- he doesn't seem to be respecting your requests to slow down. You feel smothered.

And...how is he managing his depression outside of this relationship with you? Codependency to address a major health issue is never the correct answer. I know several depressed people in relationships but they manage by seeking help outside the relationship (meds, therapy, support groups, hobbies, etc.) leaning on any relationship as a means for the heavy lifting of a disease is putting a lot of pressure on a relationship.

I think your gut is giving you powerful signals. Theoretically, what would happen if for whatever reason you didn't speak to him for a day or two - what would he do? What would you do? I'm not suggesting that you do this, but am asking objectively, what would happen? Would your phone blow up? Would he freak out? Healthy relationships are able to accommodate gaps, especially in the early days.

I just find this concerning. In my experience with people like this, is that these situations turn dangerous and creepy. Please be careful and listen to your gut.
posted by floweredfish at 8:24 AM on April 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for the replies - they're all very helpful.

A couple quick clarifications. He mentioned his sister's self-harm because we were talking about tattoos and I asked if his parents were okay with them. He said no and then said his mother was upset that his sister wanted a tattoo even though it was to cover up her scars. That was it. So it's not like he was specifically unloading or venting about it but it still felt like a lot.

The reason I didn't say anything yesterday when i really started to feel overwhelmed, frankly, was because I was stoned as fuck and having a hard time making words come out of my mouth. The second I started to feel sober I brought it up. I do struggle with setting boundaries, however, and I'm working on it.

I made a typo when I wrote what he said about his ex. Small difference, but it may change the time: he didn't call them her issues. He called them their issues.

He doesn't blow up my phone when I don't contact him. He was tipsy yesterday which I think made him more cuddly and open. I had some drinks too but wasn't tipsy. I'm not saying that as an excuse, because it's not, but it's a detail I wanted to add. Also, he's been respectful of my physical boundaries, which I think is a good sign.

One last follow-up question: has anyone had a successful relationship that started out this way? With you and your SO going too fast and then you said hey, we need to put on the brakes, and he/she/they listened, and it worked out? I want to be able to just be happy seeing him but I'm concerned that feeling this overwhelmed this early is a sign we won't be able to get there.
posted by Amy93 at 8:32 AM on April 10, 2016

Response by poster: Oh! And he takes medication for the depression. He was going to therapy but he said he hasn't gone for a while. He could probably afford to go back, but I can't exactly make him do that. He says he's a lot better than he was but, again, it's possible that he's still really emotionally needy.
posted by Amy93 at 8:37 AM on April 10, 2016

has anyone had a successful relationship that started out this way?

It depends what you mean by "successful." As a therapist once pointed out to me, all relationships eventually end, except, maybe, the last one before you die. So the only way to evaluate whether a relationship is successful is whether it is meeting your goals for a relationship and your desires within a relationship.

Personally, though, I haven't had any relationships that started with an overly intense phase of emotional bonding that lasted very long. One dragged out for a few years in a stop-and-start way, but it wasn't "successful" in any terms I would now describe it.

One suggestion: if you decide to see him again soon, do something sober. Get outside, go for a hike, have a non-boozy brunch, go to the zoo, whatever. You're already both fuzzy about your boundaries. Adding intoxicants is not going to be either of your friend while you figure out what you are and aren't comfortable with. Especially if they make you unable to state your preferences/give consent/motivate to move on when you get bored.
posted by Miko at 9:08 AM on April 10, 2016 [7 favorites]