Did I push away my soulmate?

March 30, 2016 3:33 PM

I ended it with a man I loved, he hates me. Do I leave him to cool off and try again in a few months? I want to make him understand the reasons why I ended it.

I’ve been seeing a guy for about 3 months. I just moved to a new city and then I met him. So I was dealing with the fact of moving to a new continent and settling in new city and also starting an intensive graduate program.

He loves me a lot, from his actions and words, and we talked about spending our lives together, although that may have been too soon. I love this man deeply, I care for him and want him to always be okay, whether he is in my life or not. We connected very intensely on every level- physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel like he was the first PERSON to ever really try to understand who I am. He put in so much effort and time and work. And I pushed him away.

In the three months he helped me deal with a lot of emotional stuff but I realised I am still unhappy and have completely lost sight of who I am and what I want. After a long drive back from a trip we took last weekend, I told him I needed to not speak to him for about 3 months. This wasn’t the first time I said it to him; in the past I suggested we shouldn’t speak for two weeks but then I contacted him after 2 days. I realised I was stressed out with school and life in general and took it out on him. So I called him to apologise and say that I take it all back because I realised us not speaking won’t help me deal with my situation any better. But he’s done. He said he hates me right now and that maybe in a few months he won’t hate me so much. My friends suggested I contact him in about 2 weeks and he may have forgiven me by then.

He completely laid all his cards out on the table and put his feelings out there but time and time again I ignored this by telling him he could see other people or by saying we shouldn’t be spending so much time together. I know I have my issues with intimacy. Even before we got serious, I told him I wasn’t in a good place to love anyone right now, but I ended up falling hard and fast. The reason I had to end it with him was because I was spiraling out of control and felt myself sinking into a deep depression and I did not want him to have to deal with that. I want to take a couple of months to be by myself and get back to who I really am and I feel like that's something I need to do alone because no matter how much he loves me, I need to love myself first before I can accept his love. However, me ending it in the manner I did (via a series of very long texts) caused unnecessary drama and I definitely could have handled it better.

My question is: do you think that it’s worth contacting him in 2 weeks? If so, what should I say? Should I write him a letter? We had talked about getting him a plant for his balcony; would it be too much if I got him a plant and left it with his front desk? Or should I really go ‘no-contact’’ for a couple of months and see if we can start over.
I think I can deal with him dating someone else, I would just want him back in my life in any capacity. I just don’t know how to go about it.

TL;DR: I dumped him and now I want him back.

posted by newthirdworld to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Leave him alone. You've got growin' up to do.

You were playing games with him and you still are. I can't talk to you for 2 weeks. Then I call in two days. I can't talk to you for 3 months. Now you want to call him in 2 weeks? Leave the poor man alone. Do whatever work you need to do on yourself, then find someone new, hopefully having learned to be more careful with other's hearts.
posted by cecic at 3:38 PM on March 30, 2016 [127 favorites]

i think you need to take his words to heart and leave him alone. i'm sorry, but it really seems like you kind of jerked him around. take the time and figure yourself out, and what you want, and what you need and where you want to be, before you date again.
posted by koroshiya at 3:39 PM on March 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

Therapy, ASAP. You were really unfair to him and should leave him alone right now.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 3:43 PM on March 30, 2016 [11 favorites]

Best answer: DEFINITELY don't give him a plant in two weeks. He said maybe he'll want to talk in three months. You should give yourself three months.

Not surprised you want him back right now, breakups are hard! Sorry you are feeling this way. But you will feel better in a week, and then better in another week, and definitely will feel better in three months. At that point you might be in a better place to make a smart decision about whether you want to get back together.

So instead of using the next three months thinking about how you will get him back, why not spend them working on all the things you wanted to work on that caused you to repeatedly bring up taking a break? That would be good stuff to sort out. If you work on all of this, feel way better in three months, still want to be with him, and he still wants to be with you, then great. If not, you will still be much better for it.

A three month relationship where you seriously mention taking a break more than once does not sound like it's working for you, soulmates or not.
posted by _Silky_ at 3:43 PM on March 30, 2016 [16 favorites]

Best answer: Something inside you is telling you, very strongly, that you need to be focusing on yourself right now. But you're pushing that part down repeatedly.

Please continue to listen to that part, and not the one that is now vacillating about having made the move of breaking up with him.

It really sounds here like you are experiencing large swings of emotion and perhaps making impulsive decisions as well.

Please take care of yourself and consider speaking to your doctor if you're not already about depression and mood swings.
posted by Squeak Attack at 3:45 PM on March 30, 2016 [10 favorites]

Best answer: The reason I had to end it with him was because I was spiraling out of control and felt myself sinking into a deep depression and I did not want him to have to deal with that.

If that really is the reason for you ending it, a 'deep depression' will not be something that goes away in two weeks; you'll be forcing him to deal with it anyway - something you claim you don't want him to do.

I want to take a couple of months to be by myself and get back to who I really am and I feel like that's something I need to do alone because no matter how much he loves me, I need to love myself first before I can accept his love.

You seem to be repeating a lot of cliche phrases in an attempt to convince yourself that your actions towards him are justified. Maybe I'm wrong - and I apologize if this sounds harsh - but you seem like an overly dramatic individual that is overwhelmed by everything that's going in your life, but still want the undivided attention of someone who cares deeply about you but also has expectations you're not willing to meet.

FWIW, I'd be slightly concerned about his emotional wellbeing given that he fell so hard and fast in three months for someone so clearly needing time to themselves to settle in and adjust to a new life. So, yeah. Be by yourself, and learn to appreciate being loved. Sort your life out, don't make him your crutch/ safety net/ fallback because you're on a new continent. He definitely doesn't need you nor the drama you're causing him, and if you continue to treat him the way you have, he really will hate you forever.
posted by Everydayville at 3:53 PM on March 30, 2016 [13 favorites]

You should completely walk away and leave him alone.
posted by Gray Skies at 4:21 PM on March 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

Leave the poor guy alone. Stop jerking him around and let him get on with his life.
posted by sarcasticah at 4:23 PM on March 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Also, get on with your own life. Take care of yourself in every way you can. That includes not getting in touch with him. You needs to get healthier; contacting him isn't good for either of you. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:04 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Please leave this poor man alone. You've treated him horribly. Take care of yourself, find out why you hurt people you claim to care about, and change that.
posted by pecanpies at 5:18 PM on March 30, 2016 [10 favorites]

Nope, this is over and you ended it. Stop hurting him. If you love him so much let him go because all you are doing is causing him pain.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:13 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I was in a pretty similar situation, except I didn't want to get back together, I just wanted to be friends. I think you can reach out after three months, if you know what you want. In my case, I reached out after 9 months, we talked for a bit, but he still wasn't ready. It's really hard to not be able to talk to someone that you care about, but it really is kinder to let him set the pace. In my case when he said he wasn't ready to be friends, I just told him that he's important to me, I'd love to be friends, and I'd leave it to him to contact me- I'd always be happy to hear from him.

As he was the person with the stronger feelings, you have to let him decide when or if he's ready to talk to you again. As painful as it is for you, it's certainly much worse for him. Talk to anyone but him about how hard it is for you. Good luck.
posted by serenity_now at 6:40 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

I learned this lesson the hard way. Leave him alone.
posted by Marinara at 6:40 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Please prioritize getting some therapy for yourself. Not only will it help you ground your own sense of identity, but it might prevent you falling head-over-heels for another inappropriate partner, as you apparently did. Throw yourself a lifeline. Call tomorrow and make an appointment.
posted by Miko at 8:02 PM on March 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Its a pretty well known phenomenon that stressful, new and exciting situations can seriously spur the development of pair bonding. Often, this is an intense but fairly shallow bond, and seldom lasts past the intense events that triggered it. Once things settle down some, and you start to get to know the person, yall may find you have less in common than thought


(Is there a phrase for this? If not... seriously, why not?)


Also, three months is generally well within the 'honeymoon period' where things should go smoothly and not so stressful.

I think this relationship was useful to help you adjust to new circumstances, but now it is probably time to go out on your own.
posted by Jacen at 8:41 PM on March 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

Did I push away my soulmate?
.....
I’ve been seeing a guy for about 3 months.

Respectfully, no, you did not push away your "soul mate". I am sorry, but the truth is you barely fucking know someone after three months. "Soul Mates" do not spring from the earth, fully formed; they are created in a relationship through mutual struggle, experience, success, challenge, etc etc etc.

If you are having this much drama in just three (three!) months, you are absolutely not good relationship material. Whether that's on you or him, or both of you doesn't matter.

If I were you, I would think about why I'm so invested in the idea of soul mates, and idolising a relationship with someone where it clearly isn't working. The answers to those questions may help subsequent relationships you have,

Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 1:57 AM on March 31, 2016 [35 favorites]

God, no. Stop toying with this man's emotions.
posted by Brittanie at 5:10 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I think the comments are harsh. You weren't playing games. Playing games is when you are deliberately trying to create drama as opposed to having a lot going on and not knowing how to manage it. So, i'd cut yourself some slack. It sounds like it was very intense for both of you and for someone who is uncomfortable with intimacy, perhaps it went too fast for you. This may be a normal pattern for him, who knows. I'm not sure what sort of commitment he wanted after 3 months. It's a very short amount of time for that level of intensity and intimacy. I think the 'healthy' part of you knew that but the love addict kept going back. FWIW, I think you're the healthier one here in wanting space.

My only advice is that you take a break and sort your life out (school etc.) so that you know what you want. I think you perhaps don't know (specifically) why you feel overwhelmed so you can't (and therefore don't) communicate. If you want to take a break from someone, whether it's for the relationship's sake or for school (which is an acceptable thing to do and I think you represented yourself unfairly by saying you 'took it out on him'), you need to communicate why. Even if it's several things and you can't pinpoint one in particular, say that. I think once you removed the relationship from your life, you felt you had enough thinking space so naively thought you could 'go back' with a clear head but the only thing that gave you a clear head was the absence of the relationship.

Please slow down and don't invite more things (or people) into your life until you're more settled. It sounds as if you have too much going on and you need space.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 5:53 AM on March 31, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: He sounds like a great person, for someone else - clearly not for you or you wouldn't be trying to end your relationship with him over and over again every couple of weeks! My impression is that he's a really nice, loving person and you want yourself to love him, but you don't, so you keep pushing him away and then thinking that you *should* love him and trying to force yourself back into it. Real love is not that hard. When you find it you will want that person by your side to help you deal with the hardest parts of life - you wouldn't want your soul mate to be out of contact when you need them most, if they were really your soul mate. I'm getting the sense that a part of you that is lonely and is comfortable with him keeps getting drawn back to him, but there is another part of you that you're hearing as "you need to have some time to yourself to get your head on straight" and that other part is really just trying to get you out of a relationship you don't belong in.

So please do go no contact, because he might not be able to resist trying to win your love yet again, and that seems like a doomed prospect. If he were my friend I would tell him he really needs to block you on every medium to protect himself, but he may not have a friend telling him how to protect himself - and if you care about him, you should try to protect him by not putting him in this position. He's been through a lot of heartbreak already, let him go find happiness.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:19 PM on March 31, 2016 [3 favorites]