Surviving a toxic work environment
March 28, 2016 6:01 PM Subscribe
I have a friend who is having a really tough time dealing with a difficult boss.
This boss is openly rude and hostile (think: directly saying to my friend, including in front of others, "you are stupid and bad at your job, and this work product you gave me is very poor. Also, you are lazy."). This is a small office, and there are only a few employees in the same role as my friend. The boss treats these employees completely differently, giving them praise and positive feedback (sometimes immediately before switching to criticizing my friend). It's getting to my friend, who is now starting to wonder if the boss's assessment of them is right. Note: I personally think it's irrelevant because this kind of conduct is unacceptable, but please take it from me that my friend is neither stupid nor lazy.
It's clear to me that the way this boss is treating my friend is totally beyond the pale, but for economic and career reasons, my friend can't leave this position for a number of months. I want to try to find resources that might help my friend manage the inevitable emotional distress in the interim and cope with what is clearly an abusive and toxic work environment. Can you suggest any such resources?
Also, to me, the dynamic seems pretty similar to families where one kid gets picked to be the golden child and one kid is the black sheep. (I think it's significant that there was apparently a different black sheep employee a while back, who has since left). I wonder if books about dealing with being the black sheep in such a family might be helpful to my friend as well. Could you suggest some that are good?
Thanks in advance for your help and advice. This is a really tough situation, and I wish my friend could just quit, but right now, that isn't on the table. Setting aside that solution, I'd still like to try to help my friend make this painful and difficult situation a little better, and a little more tolerable. I appreciate anything you can advise along those lines.
This boss is openly rude and hostile (think: directly saying to my friend, including in front of others, "you are stupid and bad at your job, and this work product you gave me is very poor. Also, you are lazy."). This is a small office, and there are only a few employees in the same role as my friend. The boss treats these employees completely differently, giving them praise and positive feedback (sometimes immediately before switching to criticizing my friend). It's getting to my friend, who is now starting to wonder if the boss's assessment of them is right. Note: I personally think it's irrelevant because this kind of conduct is unacceptable, but please take it from me that my friend is neither stupid nor lazy.
It's clear to me that the way this boss is treating my friend is totally beyond the pale, but for economic and career reasons, my friend can't leave this position for a number of months. I want to try to find resources that might help my friend manage the inevitable emotional distress in the interim and cope with what is clearly an abusive and toxic work environment. Can you suggest any such resources?
Also, to me, the dynamic seems pretty similar to families where one kid gets picked to be the golden child and one kid is the black sheep. (I think it's significant that there was apparently a different black sheep employee a while back, who has since left). I wonder if books about dealing with being the black sheep in such a family might be helpful to my friend as well. Could you suggest some that are good?
Thanks in advance for your help and advice. This is a really tough situation, and I wish my friend could just quit, but right now, that isn't on the table. Setting aside that solution, I'd still like to try to help my friend make this painful and difficult situation a little better, and a little more tolerable. I appreciate anything you can advise along those lines.
The thing that will help your friend most is leaving, but you say that isn't an option right now.
Things that might help:
* Do awesome, fun, delightful things outside of work. Spend time with loving, kind people. When work is your whole life and work sucks, then your whole life sucks. When work is only a part of your life and it sucks but other things are pretty cool ... the suckage is more manageable.
* Even if leaving won't be possible for a while, work on that now and look forward to it. Research companies that would be good to work for, network with people in the same field, plan an interview outfit, brush up the resume ... any step towards making the upcoming job hunt go better. Count down to a quit date, or an "official job hunt start" date, or whatever is the next big milestone.
posted by bunderful at 6:26 PM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Things that might help:
* Do awesome, fun, delightful things outside of work. Spend time with loving, kind people. When work is your whole life and work sucks, then your whole life sucks. When work is only a part of your life and it sucks but other things are pretty cool ... the suckage is more manageable.
* Even if leaving won't be possible for a while, work on that now and look forward to it. Research companies that would be good to work for, network with people in the same field, plan an interview outfit, brush up the resume ... any step towards making the upcoming job hunt go better. Count down to a quit date, or an "official job hunt start" date, or whatever is the next big milestone.
posted by bunderful at 6:26 PM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
"Poor in what way?"
"What indicates to you that I am stupid and/or lazy? Please be specific so I can do something about the apparent problem. Is this a formal performance counseling?"
The boss obviously wants your friend to quit. In a small office that doesn't have HR procedures for performance and discipline, your friend's choice is probably between putting up with the abuse until they decide to go ahead and fire him/her, or quit.
In a bigger organization, your friend could immediately complain about the disrespectful behavior and probably get some traction. It would't help the actual fact that they want your friend gone, though. Your friend could probably buy some time by playing documentation chicken, insisting that every complaint about performance or conduct be documented and dropping hints that a lawyer will be interested in seeing if those expectations are being applied uniformly throughout the work force. But really that only works in situations where they can't fire you for any reason or none at all whenever they want.
posted by ctmf at 7:02 PM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
"What indicates to you that I am stupid and/or lazy? Please be specific so I can do something about the apparent problem. Is this a formal performance counseling?"
The boss obviously wants your friend to quit. In a small office that doesn't have HR procedures for performance and discipline, your friend's choice is probably between putting up with the abuse until they decide to go ahead and fire him/her, or quit.
In a bigger organization, your friend could immediately complain about the disrespectful behavior and probably get some traction. It would't help the actual fact that they want your friend gone, though. Your friend could probably buy some time by playing documentation chicken, insisting that every complaint about performance or conduct be documented and dropping hints that a lawyer will be interested in seeing if those expectations are being applied uniformly throughout the work force. But really that only works in situations where they can't fire you for any reason or none at all whenever they want.
posted by ctmf at 7:02 PM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I believe you that they can't leave right now but having a clear endpoint in mind will help immensely. Then your friend can think "just hold on X more months" or "let's see who's the stupid one come August."
I found a lot of satisfaction doing some light reading about psychopaths at the tail end of my relationship with a jerk. I can't say he was a psychopath and of course I can't say if your friend's abusive boss is one, but man did it feel good to see some of his worst traits called out.
posted by kapers at 7:17 PM on March 28, 2016
I found a lot of satisfaction doing some light reading about psychopaths at the tail end of my relationship with a jerk. I can't say he was a psychopath and of course I can't say if your friend's abusive boss is one, but man did it feel good to see some of his worst traits called out.
posted by kapers at 7:17 PM on March 28, 2016
This sounds like a classic sick system.
There is no way out of this except for your friend to quit. They need to dedicate their spare time to finding a new job. They need to work at this until they can escape. They need to keep this quiet from the boss, because if they find out the abuse will get much, much worse.
When I was in this situation, applying for new jobs gave me a bit of hope.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:47 PM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
There is no way out of this except for your friend to quit. They need to dedicate their spare time to finding a new job. They need to work at this until they can escape. They need to keep this quiet from the boss, because if they find out the abuse will get much, much worse.
When I was in this situation, applying for new jobs gave me a bit of hope.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:47 PM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
This sounds awful and unfortunately there's just no way to win with a personality-disordered, emotionally sadistic boss in a small office environment. Friend needs to find a new job, and in the meantime, try to let it roll off them as best as they can. That may mean pretending it's a toddler yelling, creating an imaginary autotuned song out of the bullshit that comes out of boss's mouth, venting in a journal or with friends or seeking therapy.
Friend should also quietly document the bullshit encounters and forward home any bullshit emails. It may help friend emotionally to build a 'dossier' on asshole boss, even if friend has no plans to pursue any sort of action against asshole.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 9:23 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Friend should also quietly document the bullshit encounters and forward home any bullshit emails. It may help friend emotionally to build a 'dossier' on asshole boss, even if friend has no plans to pursue any sort of action against asshole.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 9:23 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Your friend should probably start looking for another job. Bad bosses aren't known for their willingness to improve.
But in the meantime, I agree with ctmf about getting the boss to state specific goals that were or weren't met, so they can say, 'Thank you for your feedback; I will pay special attention to that in future."
They could also adk for specific, concrete goals for the next project. And they should be written down. I mean, your boss calling you lazy and stupid is always going to hurt, but if you're able to say in return, "I met X, Y, and Z goals that we set together.'
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:46 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
But in the meantime, I agree with ctmf about getting the boss to state specific goals that were or weren't met, so they can say, 'Thank you for your feedback; I will pay special attention to that in future."
They could also adk for specific, concrete goals for the next project. And they should be written down. I mean, your boss calling you lazy and stupid is always going to hurt, but if you're able to say in return, "I met X, Y, and Z goals that we set together.'
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:46 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yes, there is no winning this one - "can't leave this position for a number of months" - nonetheless, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan.
And suddenly get a whole swag of interests outside of work. And totally disengage from the whole thing.
The funny thing about workplace sociopaths is that they don't care - so don't bother wasting any energy trying to rationalise or negotiate with them - they are just on their own planet.
posted by heyjude at 2:00 AM on March 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
And suddenly get a whole swag of interests outside of work. And totally disengage from the whole thing.
The funny thing about workplace sociopaths is that they don't care - so don't bother wasting any energy trying to rationalise or negotiate with them - they are just on their own planet.
posted by heyjude at 2:00 AM on March 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'd say to the boss, "How am I being stupid?" or "How is the project poor? Can you give examples?" or "Lazy? Why do you think I'm lazy?".
This "Boss" is a bully and totally unprofessional. Your friend has to stand up to him/her. Bullies don't like to be questioned, but it has to be done. Your friend might get fired, but it's better than being abused, and that's just what it is: abuse.
Make sure your friend thoroughly documents the boss' statements.
posted by james33 at 3:57 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
This "Boss" is a bully and totally unprofessional. Your friend has to stand up to him/her. Bullies don't like to be questioned, but it has to be done. Your friend might get fired, but it's better than being abused, and that's just what it is: abuse.
Make sure your friend thoroughly documents the boss' statements.
posted by james33 at 3:57 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just to play devil's advocate: are you 100% positive your friend is telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I.e., how do you know, other than merely taking your friend's word for it, that any of this is this extreme? And how do you know, again other than taking their word for it, if your friend a competent or incompetent employee?
I mean, it's one thing if you have witnessed any of the psycho-boss behavior, it's another if you're just getting it secondhand..... and I've known too many charmers (including my own sister, who could & would twist facts to fit her personal scenario) who can convince outsiders they're being harassed/abused at work, when the reality is something else entirely.
No saying your friend is untruthful, just that there might be more to this than they're telling you.
posted by easily confused at 5:23 AM on March 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
I mean, it's one thing if you have witnessed any of the psycho-boss behavior, it's another if you're just getting it secondhand..... and I've known too many charmers (including my own sister, who could & would twist facts to fit her personal scenario) who can convince outsiders they're being harassed/abused at work, when the reality is something else entirely.
No saying your friend is untruthful, just that there might be more to this than they're telling you.
posted by easily confused at 5:23 AM on March 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
So, assuming we're in the US, the way to handle this is to document the FUCK out of it. If the person is here on an H1B-type visa, then you may have a discrimination case. Ditto if the person is in a protected class (a woman, a person of color, a disabled person, LGBT). Have your friend download an app to their phone that records these tirades.
The next time Boss starts in, have friend say, "I don't appreciate being addressed in this fashion, it is demeaning and insulting. If you have an issue with my work, let's take it into your office and discuss it, otherwise, I will record our exchanges and report you to the Labor Board, Wage and Hour Board, File charges against you for discrimination, or any other thing I take it in my mind to do. This is a workplace, not a playground, and I'm not letting you take my lunch money."
Or something like that. You have to adapt it to your personality.
I will say that New York is a Single Party Consent State, so it's perfectly okay for your friend to record the boss without him knowing.
I might make an appointment with an employment attorney to explore filing formal charges.
I'm also a HUGE fan of the passive-aggressive approach. Which is to ask for formal documentation of all claims, and for an action plan for improvement. Which is what others are suggesting.
"You say that I am bad at my job. Please tell me what I need to do so that I can improve. Let's put it in writing and both sign it." "You say that I'm lazy, how so? What should I be doing, that I'm not doing now?"
Another fun option is to get a doctor to sign your friend out on Disability for stress/anxiety/depression. Friend collects 2/3 of salary, job is protected and boss has to find some other poor soul to pick on.
Fomenting revolution is another fun thing to try. See if friend can rally other employees to slow things down. Most people are chicken-shit if it's not THEIR ass on the line, but you never know, it just may be that they're all sick of this nonsense too.
I find having a plan, especially a devious, cunning plan, brightens my day considerably when I'm in a toxic environment.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:39 AM on March 29, 2016
The next time Boss starts in, have friend say, "I don't appreciate being addressed in this fashion, it is demeaning and insulting. If you have an issue with my work, let's take it into your office and discuss it, otherwise, I will record our exchanges and report you to the Labor Board, Wage and Hour Board, File charges against you for discrimination, or any other thing I take it in my mind to do. This is a workplace, not a playground, and I'm not letting you take my lunch money."
Or something like that. You have to adapt it to your personality.
I will say that New York is a Single Party Consent State, so it's perfectly okay for your friend to record the boss without him knowing.
I might make an appointment with an employment attorney to explore filing formal charges.
I'm also a HUGE fan of the passive-aggressive approach. Which is to ask for formal documentation of all claims, and for an action plan for improvement. Which is what others are suggesting.
"You say that I am bad at my job. Please tell me what I need to do so that I can improve. Let's put it in writing and both sign it." "You say that I'm lazy, how so? What should I be doing, that I'm not doing now?"
Another fun option is to get a doctor to sign your friend out on Disability for stress/anxiety/depression. Friend collects 2/3 of salary, job is protected and boss has to find some other poor soul to pick on.
Fomenting revolution is another fun thing to try. See if friend can rally other employees to slow things down. Most people are chicken-shit if it's not THEIR ass on the line, but you never know, it just may be that they're all sick of this nonsense too.
I find having a plan, especially a devious, cunning plan, brightens my day considerably when I'm in a toxic environment.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:39 AM on March 29, 2016
Nthing a lot of the advice here! End dates make the job feel temporary when things get rough, and documentation of workplace abuse is so, so valuable. Definitely check the local laws in your area before recording anyone though.
I would add that since it looks unlikely that your friend will get a good reference out of their boss, I would suggest that they get a little tighter with a co-worker who knows the real quality of their work well enough to be able to remark on it positively and who isn't likely to spill the beans to toxic boss if they get a job reference call from someone your friend is interviewing with. That may make it easier to make the leap to a new job when the time comes!
posted by helloimjennsco at 12:43 PM on March 29, 2016
I would add that since it looks unlikely that your friend will get a good reference out of their boss, I would suggest that they get a little tighter with a co-worker who knows the real quality of their work well enough to be able to remark on it positively and who isn't likely to spill the beans to toxic boss if they get a job reference call from someone your friend is interviewing with. That may make it easier to make the leap to a new job when the time comes!
posted by helloimjennsco at 12:43 PM on March 29, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm sure other folks will chime in, but one of the best things your friend can do is balance out their wins. When work is crummy, your friend should make it a priority outside of business hours to do something they love or that gives them a sense of purpose, pride, and accomplishment. This can be volunteering, cooking for friends, playing music, helping kids with homework, walking dogs at the shelter, going dancing -- anything, really, that your friend likes to do and has a penchant for to get a regular Win.
It's easy to get stuck in a negative feedback loop, especially at work. So doing something outside of work to break up that feedback loop really can help relieve some of that pressure.
posted by mochapickle at 6:25 PM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]