Gottman Institute couples' weekend workshop - worth it?
March 28, 2016 10:26 AM Subscribe
My wife and I are thinking of signing up for one of the Gottman Institute's weekend couples' workshops in Seattle. We're wondering if it's worth the $800 price tag, or if we could put the time and money to better use in terms of helping our marriage.
Long story short, we've been having some serious issues for a while, mostly related to parenting and (lately) money. We've been working at it together and individually for years now, seeing a number of different couples' counselors, reading a lot of relationship books, including Gottman's.
We're thinking of signing up for the seminar in the spirit of trying something new. But given all we've tried already, we're wondering if it wouldn't be too, for lack of a better term, basic. The question is whether this would be the most efficient use of our limited time and money; if it's just going to be two days of Marriage Communication 101, probably not. We need more like Advanced Relationship Calculus 402.
Obviously committing to do something something like this in person has value in itself, which is part of the motivation. But it's not cheap, and maybe it would be better instead to buy the materials directly on Amazon and go on a nice kid-free getaway long weekend to reconnect.
Love to hear from anyone who has had firsthand experience with one of these courses. (Also any alternatives in the Pacific Northwest.)
Long story short, we've been having some serious issues for a while, mostly related to parenting and (lately) money. We've been working at it together and individually for years now, seeing a number of different couples' counselors, reading a lot of relationship books, including Gottman's.
We're thinking of signing up for the seminar in the spirit of trying something new. But given all we've tried already, we're wondering if it wouldn't be too, for lack of a better term, basic. The question is whether this would be the most efficient use of our limited time and money; if it's just going to be two days of Marriage Communication 101, probably not. We need more like Advanced Relationship Calculus 402.
Obviously committing to do something something like this in person has value in itself, which is part of the motivation. But it's not cheap, and maybe it would be better instead to buy the materials directly on Amazon and go on a nice kid-free getaway long weekend to reconnect.
Love to hear from anyone who has had firsthand experience with one of these courses. (Also any alternatives in the Pacific Northwest.)
I've never attended a couples' workshop (and I'm not married so take this with a grain of salt) but I attended once a two day seminar where you were supposed to learn all these skills that would turn your life around, improve relationships etc. I didn't pay for mine because it was a gift and for that I'm glad.
There's a certain "feel good" element about them while they're happening and you might get some momentary inspiration, but they are too short lived to generate any meaningful or sustainable behavioral changes. Also, most of the lessons and skills discussed were at a very basic, Psychology 101 level, useful some of them but nothing I couldn't have accessed anywhere else. I don't know what level yours would be at, but I would assume a similar one in order to be accessible and understandable to a wide range of people.
I think that $800 could be spent in a more constructive way, especially if you have money issues. Also, something that could put your issues into perspective and help you create a unique bond, is to use that money or part of it to help someone else who is in dire need and whose life would be tremendously improved by it. You can take some time to look into something you both feel passionate about and see how you can be of help, and do that. If excessive analysis and introspection isn't working, maybe looking outwards could.
posted by ariadne_88 at 11:10 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
There's a certain "feel good" element about them while they're happening and you might get some momentary inspiration, but they are too short lived to generate any meaningful or sustainable behavioral changes. Also, most of the lessons and skills discussed were at a very basic, Psychology 101 level, useful some of them but nothing I couldn't have accessed anywhere else. I don't know what level yours would be at, but I would assume a similar one in order to be accessible and understandable to a wide range of people.
I think that $800 could be spent in a more constructive way, especially if you have money issues. Also, something that could put your issues into perspective and help you create a unique bond, is to use that money or part of it to help someone else who is in dire need and whose life would be tremendously improved by it. You can take some time to look into something you both feel passionate about and see how you can be of help, and do that. If excessive analysis and introspection isn't working, maybe looking outwards could.
posted by ariadne_88 at 11:10 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've had a good experience with the Gottman method, but I would suggest instead of going to a workshop, that you schedule a few sessions with a Gottman-trained couples counselor in your area to learn the skills on a more one-on-one basis. You could probably get 4 or 5 sessions for $800.
posted by matildaben at 11:33 AM on March 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 11:33 AM on March 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
After all the unhappiness, what motivates you to stay together?
If you have a workable relationship, doesn't it make more sense to preserve what you DO have as co-parents, and to each strike out for new relationships individually?
If you have fundamental flaws in your relationship, that the past few years has yet to heal, it's time to call it, to end it and to work towards the future.
Sometimes it's not a matter of trying everything, sometimes it's a matter of saying, "we've tried, we gave it a fantastic effort, I harbor no ill will, but it's time to part."
Then you can live near each other, to facilitate your child's new family relationships, and her money can be her issue, your money can be your issue and you can each start to be happy again.
My friends tried for years, with multiple separations and they've finally decided to divorce. They're still VERY good friends and co-parents, but they're not partners. Their child is very happy, she knows that they love her unconditionally and that they'll be there for her and for each other, but not romantically. They are all still a family, but it just looks a little different from most.
Pat yourself on the back for a well done effort but don't spend any more money, even if it's a trip to Lourdes.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:53 AM on March 28, 2016
If you have a workable relationship, doesn't it make more sense to preserve what you DO have as co-parents, and to each strike out for new relationships individually?
If you have fundamental flaws in your relationship, that the past few years has yet to heal, it's time to call it, to end it and to work towards the future.
Sometimes it's not a matter of trying everything, sometimes it's a matter of saying, "we've tried, we gave it a fantastic effort, I harbor no ill will, but it's time to part."
Then you can live near each other, to facilitate your child's new family relationships, and her money can be her issue, your money can be your issue and you can each start to be happy again.
My friends tried for years, with multiple separations and they've finally decided to divorce. They're still VERY good friends and co-parents, but they're not partners. Their child is very happy, she knows that they love her unconditionally and that they'll be there for her and for each other, but not romantically. They are all still a family, but it just looks a little different from most.
Pat yourself on the back for a well done effort but don't spend any more money, even if it's a trip to Lourdes.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:53 AM on March 28, 2016
If parenting is the big pain point, could you ask your pediatrician (or your usual marriage counselor) for a good source for parenting class you could take together? Or meet with a financial advisor together? And take a one day getaway together as a reward afterwards?
posted by typecloud at 11:53 AM on March 28, 2016
posted by typecloud at 11:53 AM on March 28, 2016
I'll put it this way: I'd probably never say "spend 800 dollars" most of the time for much of anything, but the Gottmans have always impressed the hell out of me. If seeing anybody is worth $800, it just might be them.
I don't know from your marital issues, but these are the folks who can essentially determine if they think your marriage will last or not. I think that's a very valuable thing to determine, if there's enough contempt in your relationship to have gone past the point of no return, etc. If this helps you figure out that your love is too far gone, then maybe it's worth the money to figure out that it's time to move on. Or to find out that the love isn't gone and that there's hope.
(Disclaimer: Nope, I haven't done marital counseling, I just have a high opinion of all things Gottman and they sound quite sensible and reasonable to me.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:10 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't know from your marital issues, but these are the folks who can essentially determine if they think your marriage will last or not. I think that's a very valuable thing to determine, if there's enough contempt in your relationship to have gone past the point of no return, etc. If this helps you figure out that your love is too far gone, then maybe it's worth the money to figure out that it's time to move on. Or to find out that the love isn't gone and that there's hope.
(Disclaimer: Nope, I haven't done marital counseling, I just have a high opinion of all things Gottman and they sound quite sensible and reasonable to me.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:10 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have a friend who is a Gottman counselor and she is amazing. I think they are the real deal.
posted by miles1972 at 7:21 PM on March 28, 2016
posted by miles1972 at 7:21 PM on March 28, 2016
My husband and I did a Gottman workshop called Bringing Baby Home and found it to be practical, simple but not dumbed down, rather evidence based for psychology, and a worthwhile use of our time.
However, given your history and constraints, I have to echo the advice to find one of the many Seattle based Gottman trained psychologists.
posted by toomanycurls at 8:53 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
However, given your history and constraints, I have to echo the advice to find one of the many Seattle based Gottman trained psychologists.
posted by toomanycurls at 8:53 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just noticed you mentioned Pacific Northwest. MeMail me if you want the name of the counselor I would recommend in Seattle (Wallingford).
posted by matildaben at 10:22 AM on March 29, 2016
posted by matildaben at 10:22 AM on March 29, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
I feel at this point the cost might put stain on the the whole affair to make if "good enough" to be "worth it". That seems like a bad starting place for a communication breakthrough.
posted by French Fry at 11:09 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]